I did come to a realization the other day that I now go and test for myself through time. Interesting enough since I am behind my computer, first a strong resistance did come up to the writing of this blog and after this resistance decreasing, it is as if the words are away of how clear it did become visible within myself a few hours before. So I am on the right spot so to speak.
Anyway. It’s not ‘new’ – everything is already here – but it’s about coming to the realization in and as myself, so ‘seeing it’ in a way within myself and it is about decisions. I remember Bernard mentioned several times like ‘it’s a decision’ (as for example he said ‘I decided to like you all’). This I found very supportive, to see and realize it ‘as an action’ in a way. What I did realize for myself last day is that, it has to become a decision.
What I mean by this, is that as long as I see challenges as moving myself towards something that I ‘actually do not want / prefer’ but what did come forward ‘as best’- within this I still place myself in some kind of victimization towards the challenge as ‘what is best’. Meaning, I do it, I move myself, but not really standing in and as it, in and as ‘self-will’.
What I did see, is that I need to make it a decision within and as me, like ‘giving up’ on something that is no longer best for myself (and / as others) as a whole (as life) – instead of giving up on myself and keep holding on to what I prefer / desire / want – then when and as I am ready to move myself to make this decision in a specific area, I ‘own it’ in a way and I am from here on empowering myself within / as this decision, instead of victimizing myself by and through what ‘needs to be done’.
This is actually in line with ‘it’s a decision’ as this describes it as well in a different way. It all comes down to decisions, small one’s, big one’s, of who I am in a certain moment and what I bring forward / express / live and create within this.
I am not yet kristal clear on it but found it worth writing down already as a general approach from ‘victimization‘ to ‘living decisions’. When and as I find myself clear and certain on the specifics, I will be able to write about it in more context and so making it more clear. Because what I also see within this is that there is a process prior to the living of a decision where in I walk through (as forgiving myself as a self-understanding of) all that I did connect as preferences, needs, desires, fears, wants, etc; related to the specific area, that I eventually am going to live a decision in.
I was discussing the relationship with me / myself and describing that I do not really recognize a sense of self as my beingness. As if it is veiled, vague, hidden but at the same time ‘knowing that it is there’ (which seems as a mind-description with the words ‘knowing’ and ‘there’). It is as if I very well know or even be aware that ‘I am here’ but somehow not recognizing myself as such. In which I see an abdication of responsibility.
My buddy from the Desteni I Process gave as an example ‘that part of me that never ages’- that I do recognize within myself as being present.
During the days after, I did see another point of recognition, where I from a young age see opportunities of how things may work out, as for example changing my room and seeing a possibility in a certain set-up, although another does not recognize this as ‘possible’ and from here I start trying / creating this and yes, it often works out. I did get the space to develop this while growing up and here I see how this space to explore is supportive to integrate this sense of self.
Then, I do see a self-judgement, so a judgement on myself, which is my beingness, and this projected (hidden within me) on others when they step forward within the strength of their beingness. This correlates with being mentioned that we often ‘fear’ our own beingness where the ‘self-fear’ and the ‘self-judgement’ are actually the same. As if ‘I do not have the right to fully be here’ but only in one dimension (that is understood by the mind), which makes me tip-toeing around.
Opening up with self-forgiveness on what is veiling this relationship with and as myself:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tiptoe around within an idea that I do not have the right to be fully here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others within myself who are ‘too much’ present in my eyes, as if they draw all the attention towards them and nothing is left for me / those that are not so much on the foreground, waiting to be ‘invited’ in a way to step forward.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some kind of ‘silent way’ to draw attention to myself and to put my physical appearance and expression in the forefront without using words to express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have defined myself in words, as if I have lived decades, ages, many lives, in silence, not having the words to express myself and only being here by physical appearance, wordless, speechless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kind of being scared from my own voice filling a space, as if it is too load and not appropriate to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is not appropriate to use my voice without anyone asking or inviting me to do so and still then, I am hesitating to really express myself and some kind of rush myself through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself through to express myself, thinking and believing that others will be bored by what I have to say or that they ‘already know it’ and then me only repeating that what everybody already know, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that because I do not step forward and voice myself in what I see, I often hear only that what I already know and me not participating or adding anything which then goes into backchat and projected judgements on others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak about something that others do not yet know and fearing to be really listened to and then not being able to clearly express myself and from here, my time is over, my chance has passed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that an energetic experience of love means there is self-judgement as fear existing within and as me / self and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the need as an energetic dependency to ‘being loved’ means there is self-judgement as fear existing within me / self as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the experience of love or ‘to be loved’ is filling a lack within me, within the relationship with myself, like filling a space that I have created in separation from and as myself, channeling myself, my self-expression in and as my mind and from here, looking for confirmation from another in and as my mind, to love or to be loved, when all the while it is me looking for myself, my own beingness that I have channeled in my mind, as the worst part of me and then reacting to this part of me as myself, so reacting to myself and pushing myself away more and more and projecting a part of myself onto another and then starting to ‘love’ (this part of) another that is actually a projection of (the worst part of) myself and then ‘loosing myself in another’ in and as my own mind, so loosing myself in my own mind-projections, separating ‘me’ more and more from my own beingness here as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to ‘love’ – as the opposite projection of fear – the worst part of myself, projected on another through my own mind, missing myself, this ‘worst’ part of me – and within and as this projection, avoiding to really see myself and that what I fear about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to let go the one that I think and believe I love and that I think and believe that ‘loves me’ and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to let go the worst of me in and as a projection on another, thinking and believing that I then loose the other when all the while, I project that what I have already done into my ‘thinking and believing’ as that I already lost myself in my own projection of the worst part of me onto another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse another in and as my experience of love and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be used and abused by another in and as my dependency on an experience of ‘to be loved’, as a confirmation of my existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be loved as a confirmation of my existence and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be used and abused by another projecting his or her worst part on me and so I need to ‘stay in place’ so to speak because when I do not stay into this projection, I remove the veil in a way and so another is looking at his or her own worst self and when and as this can not be received within self-honesty, the hell will break loose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the hell breaking loose on me and so, I tiptoe around within my own acceptance and allowance of the experience to be loved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow another to ‘love me’ in an energetic way because I get something out of it that I desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel a natural, physical expression into a desire in and as my mind, thinking and believing that I only can receive this when and as I accept and allow ‘to be loved’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed myself with the experience of love and / or ‘to be loved’ which is actually an energy addiction to fear as love, love as fear, to keep adrenaline going in and as my physical body – which I now write – this last self-forgiveness – from a point of knowledge and information but not yet really seeing, realizing and understanding in and as myself (the interview under ‘energy addiction’ expands on it).
There is something underneath within me for a long time; an experience of ‘being tired of everything’. I wanted to change it into ‘feeling tired’ but how I experience it is like ‘being tired’. Which I do see as not so favorable because my being is in this as ‘being tired’ and I have developed related physical symptoms so I see it actually becoming a ‘manifestation’.
It is getting less than it was years before, where I almost was consumed by this experience. However I still see, feel and experience it within me, almost as a ‘second skin’ but also as a memory; meaning it is always here and with me.
What I am most tired of and by is of my own physical struggles, cramps, pains, discomforts. Also seeing things that I would like to accomplish but that I then look up to like a mountain, because of the physical labour that needs to be done and especially my own experience of tiredness and discomfort within it or, a fear of this on forehand.
I do experience it within my organs and I have the information (for context read the blog) – via an individualized interview through the portal – that my mind consciousness energy is ‘traveling’ through my organs and not through the muscle energy highways as how is most common. My muscles feel indeed fine and from the perspective of my muscles, I can even look forward to the labour; I like the movements and effect on my muscles. When I look at my organs and especially my large intestine, I feel an incredible tiredness in it from myself and a giving up; like ‘I don’t have it in me anymore, I cannot find the strength within me to push through’.
I am sitting here on the first day of my menstruation, which is something that I am also tired of. I am 45 – almost 46 – and I find it enough.
I still do not know how to ‘relax’ within these organs, mostly my large intestine, ovaries and uterus but also bladder and I feel a sadness on my heart. My liver is still ‘motivated’ and like ‘pushing the others’ to keep going. There is an ongoing tension in it from my own mind consciousness energy as a pressure on my organs.
This is not okay and I would like to change this. I own it to my organs, I own it to myself and so to others as life as well, as I do have a reasonable ‘good life’ so to speak with opportunities that relatively very little people have at the moment here on earth. My organs did adapt to the way my mcs is set up within my physical body, however I find I let too much ‘on them’ to take care of, as if I am not fully here to support and direct myself. I know this is not a job done in a moment. I will open it up with self-forgiveness on the experiences within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on energy instead of on myself and let energy get the best of me within emotions and feelings letting direct myself on a subtle level.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my organs do the work, ‘catch me’ in a way to signal me that I am slipping off too much, not catching myself soon enough in the small moments, subtle thoughts and allowing of the lingering in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to linger in the mind even when I notice that I am doing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can give up, that it does make sense to give up, instead of supporting myself in that moment, to stop the lingering within my mind and slow down, to release the energy and look for a solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly endowed’ by having this specific set up where my mind consciousness energy moves through my organs instead of my muscles, where in I know and even am aware, that it is a gift in disguise because of my early awareness of my emotions and the effect of it within me however, I still linger in a form of victimization in it that I see now as an excuse for myself to not take the next step in pushing myself towards self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the next step towards self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly judged’ as how I firstly translated ‘wrongly endowed’ for myself; which is so in a way because of me not clearly expressing myself and not having been able to do so in the past, which indeed gives a misjudgement of myself, by myself and by others as well, following that what I express myself in and as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself in an incomplete way and for this, following up on myself in this incomplete, incompetent way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my incomplete and limited expression gives an incomplete presence of myself in who I potentially am able to be and by bringing it into reality in this way, my environment respons to this in the same incomplete way and so I ‘set up’ myself in a constricted and incomplete reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then manifest this constricted expression and reality into my organs and especially my large intestine who is constricting and wanting to hold on information that is not yet fully expressed as what is best for myself but that I wanted to release already and so, I am creating a conflict within and as myself, reflecting within my organs and visible for myself in my large intestine as an ongoing cramping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to completely and unlimited express myself as what is best for myself (and so in consideration of the effect being best for all).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot find the strength in myself to push through, that I do not have it in me anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in small moments and to not even want to start, at whatever, at very small physical tasks and movements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to sit and rest but I do not rest in this, as I even more find ‘rest’ inside in a slow and consistent movement of doing what needs to be done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ as if I as my being am tired myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have channeled my being into this experience, into all the emotions and feelings to generate an energetic experience, thinking and believing that these experience are ‘making myself feeling alive’ and so loosing myself as life as ‘beingness’ within this, wherein I am not really lost or gone, but more channeled (by myself) within energy and so wasting or ‘burning the best of me’ so to speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘tired of myself’ in a way as a tiredness of what I am doing to myself and by myself on a daily base.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already want to give up on my self-commitment and experience a fear of ‘not committing’ and so, thinking and believing that I better not write the commitment, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is exactly the lack of expression, the incomplete expression within and as myself as a ‘loop’ where in I hold myself constricted, of not starting because of fearing that I will not commit to my own commitments and so instead ‘committing as a ‘holding on’ to a fear of failure.
As a start for myself for coming week:
When and as I see myself lingering in my mind and thinking about all the things that need to be done, I stop and breath. I realize that I generate energy in this as for example an experience of ‘giving up’ and so weakening my physical body and putting pressure on my organs because of the emotional energy that I generate within this on a subtle level and I realize that I accumulate the experience in all these small moments of lingering. I commit myself to ‘catch’ myself in the small moments of not wanting to pick up on things, to stop, to breathe for a moment and then moving myself in the small physical action that needs to be done and so move myself from action to action and within this, accumulate the physical action and satisfaction within and as myself.
A process of self-expression and physical action to be continued.
This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all my attention and focus on one area trying to ‘get attention’ to fulfill myself with, to feel better and loved and appreciated, as an endless bucket that is never full(filled) because my starting-point is from outside –> inwards instead of from inwards –> outwards, into and as a self-expression and sharing of myself as an infinite living being and grounding and ‘filling’ myself in and as my physical substance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how perfectionism from a starting-point in / as the mind – so channeling myself and my expression in and as an energetic ‘perfect’projection – does never have enough and so I experience myself and what I give as ‘never enough’ and so I experience for example what another is giving, also as ‘never enough’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from an age of sixteen, think and believe that having a perfect body, will give the attention from ‘men’ and ending up in a ‘fulfilling’ partnership that I am looking for, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the underlying (lying as self-dishonest) starting-point of perfectionism where my expression and physical energy is channeled into one specific area, is creating an uncomfortable ‘environment‘ as resonance and will attract others with a different form of perfectionism towards themselves and so if and when not recognized, projected towards me as well and so we are together creating an uncomfortable mutual environment with undefined expectations underneath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how perfectionism – if not redefined in a grounded way – is not realistic and coming from pictures, movies, stories, memories, connected all together and merged into an undefined and underlying expectation of what life / another should give me, instead of bringing everything back to self and then making it about self-perfectionism in a realistic way and starting to ‘give what I would like to receive’ and being clear for myself and another of what I accept and allow and what not and so, starting to live what I am specifying myself into and as in a considering and practical way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself when the physical is not showing what I am expecting in where I have channeled myself into and as energy / the mind and so only pushing myself and my self-expression back into suppression, instead of using the misalignment between my ‘inner’ reality (mind) and my physical reality as a map to see where my expectations are coming from and via self-forgiveness, bringing the pieces back to myself and redefine it into a substantial, practical, considering and realistic self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I am creating in ‘perfectionism’, I expect an ‘instant picture’ ready and settled, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how within specifying who I am in a considering way, is an infinite creating process going on and it’s not really ‘settled and done’ but more ‘on the move’ and substantiating along the way, as how I am substantiating myself along the way, expanding from inside out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my joy for living through too much focus on perfectionism and reaching a goal within this, instead of considering as much dimensions as possible within and around myself and bringing this together in a practical goal that I can walk, alter and expand on along the way.
I commit myself to catch myself in the limiting pictures of perfectionism that I have stored within myself and my physical body, to forgive the energetic attachments and to find a seed of my expression deep within and while doing so, specify myself /this expression into a ‘voice of myself’ as my stand, my expression, my words, my actions, my presence in a considering, caring, supportive and realistic / practical way and to find my joy while walking, investigating, forgiving, specifying, redefining, creating and expanding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the energy and within this, build up layer after layer without seeing, realizing and understanding that I need to walk it back as well which may give emotional ‘mourning’ from disconnecting from what I have connected with in a starting-point of energy as self-dishonesty that is not best for myself / another / life as a whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mourning as something painful that I should avoid, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that mourning is a part of a process from letting go of things that are changing, as how everything is changing all the time and nothing stays really the same ‘forever’, yet me standing in and as sound within a foundation of principles, considering all parts of myself in and as life, and so all parts of life, is something that will remain and connect within and as all life as a part that I can nurture and strengthen within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid feeling pain instead of being willing to feel pain, yet from a starting-point of self-expression where in the ‘pain of regret’ can become less and less, because I then no longer need to ‘regret’ from something that I did do or didn’t do in and as some form of energy / self-dishonesty and more and more, align myself within and as myself ‘sound-tuned’ by voicing substantial words and walking living actions, within the realization that by walking this I will learn and expand and discover and consider and from here, share parts of myself as a whole that I may not have considered before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by trying to avoid feeling pain, I actually create pain because of not embracing everything that is here (including all the painful manifestations) and so, creating circumstances to experience that what I have separated myself from, which I do experience as ‘pain’.
” So this means in this example, that what I am used to do and look at within myself is the following way: “Can I have a drink now and then at home alone, although I see that this is not best for myself eventually and so I ‘know’ in a way that somehow/somewhere I need to (and will) stop this/step out of this again? And then I ‘check’ within myself if I see myself able to stop/step out of it in the the future”. If the answer is “yes, I can stop/step out of this in the future when and as needed”, then I decide many times to still ‘do it’ and actually ‘go get my bliss’. Until ‘I am done’ with it or until I cannot have it anymore, and then I stop. And then I need to walk through the build up layers again of emotional/feeling release. So I am actually used to walk through points the long way and more or less even believed that I ‘have to do it like this’ in many occasions.”
In this blog I took an example of drinking a glass of wine at home; however I have seen myself doing this in different situations where an ‘energy-addiction’ is involved – meaning where I want to experience something before I am willing / able to stop it. This is so I see now, actually a form of self-manipulation and when others are involved – as for example within starting a relationship before being totally clear on the possibilities of it – then it automatically includes a manipulation towards another as well, although my intention is not to ‘manipulate’. But my starting-point contains this – maybe subtle – energetic self-manipulation and so, my starting-point will determine the outcome and so manipulation will take place in some form. And what I accept and allow within myself, I will accept and allow in another as well and so the reflection of this inner self-manipulation will show itself in the situation and / or within another and often in a larger degree, so that I will not miss it.
After writing the blog, I noticed that I now have seen this point, this tendency to firstly ‘follow the energy before stopping and pushing myself to the edge before I stop’ and so actually….I am not able to accept and allow myself to do this anymore. So now, when I do see a situation where in I am not 100% clear or sure, I am not able to accept and allow myself to ignore the ‘nagging presence’ in the background and move on with it anyway, in some way ‘hoping’ that it will solve itself miraculously, because I now have seen, realized and understand that it will not solve itself miraculously but the outcome / consequence will show exactly that what I have ignored at first in my starting-point.
This is an example of how the writing out of one practical example – if and when done from a starting-point of self-honesty and self-direction – will very much support with this one general point / tendency in many occasions in my life. This also shows how resistance or even rejection can be experienced with regards to the writing, because I ‘know’ on some level that the writing will be effective and reveal some ‘energy-addictions’ that I accept and allow to distract or actually, manipulate myself with and behind this I find a ‘fear of loss’ of this energy and the experience that it is giving. This experience of ‘fear of loss’ is showing itself as very real, because I made it real, by living it at first, by ‘building a life’ on ‘this belief’ so to speak and so the effect may give an experience of ‘collapsing’ and ‘walking through hell’, as in letting go of the illusions that I was holding on to. Illusions meaning, thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, hopes, dreams and what more, that all seem very ‘real’ in the mind but that is not grounded in a realistic, physical foundation.
So with the writing, I am able to quantify my process and walk it ‘faster’ in a way. I mean, I will walk through all the illusions anyway, also by first following my mind and then needing to let it go again, which is ‘the hard way’ as the letting go can be quite horrible to walk through. With the writing, I do have a tool to support myself, to start preventing myself from following the energy, from following that what is actually not best for myself in self-honesty and so, not best for all in self-honesty. Also here, there is a moment of letting go – as how I described in the blog as well – but it almost directly includes a moment of change, because I did not build up so much layers around it, I did not attach myself in all these layers (that I need to walk back and detach myself from and this ‘hurts’ emotionally) and so the way is much shorter and much more stable.
This is actually what we have done through our whole lives – building layer after layer, following the energy and ‘building a life’ on false beliefs in a way, despite our intentions being ‘good’ in it. One can imagine that walking back does take time, dedication and persistence, as these layers are integrated in our life and our physical bodies. We have become it in a way and we believe that ‘this is who I am’. And, we all did this, we have build relationships on this and so we actually have build a world (through relationships) on this foundation from and within a manipulative starting-point (energy). And this is very much visible in the world and how we exist today in totality. For more context read Relationship Dynamics
As a short feedback after writing the mentioned blog: There are no thoughts coming up anymore in relation to drinking this glass of wine when being at home. In the beginning it did come up now and then and with the support of this blog I was able to directly let it go and as I notice now, it is not a point anymore, it is not coming up as a possibility or desire or need and mostly not even as a thought anymore. That is great self-feedback and self-proof after walking layer after layer as a process through the years of what process actually entails.
“Here, again – it is all about losing control. You have given some characters so much control, that it even regulates how you release the waste, which is that which you no longer require, but if you are releasing that which can be beneficial and the body disagrees with you – you’re going to become constipated, because your constitution which is what is best for you – is being Hijacked by your characters of fear, and therefore you are releasing as waste – which is actually nutrition for you, while a physical female form some very deep explosive self forgiveness is required where you face this and say “No More will I live half-heartedly, I will Live with my Whole Heart and Open myself to the Potential to be Heard, because unless I am willing to be Heard and willing to Feel pain – I will never be able to actually explore what is actually possible as love and pleasure”. Interestingly enough, one will allow yourself to be guided by your Fear, which is the Least Potential – instead of everything that would make you Whole, which is the Most Potential. Realise the Pattern – write it out, Forgive it and TALK about it with the Potential partner – no matter how strange it sounds. That is how one build intimacy which may result in Trust.”
We were having one of the weekly group chat’s on destonians.com (which is free to join for who is interested) where I was writing about ‘letting go’ and my issues with it. Here Leila suggested to re-read an old chat with Bernard as it seems very much related to this point and perhaps I see new dimensions in it. So I openend it up again and indeed I see how it is already describing the whole pattern in one chat, however to really walk it into detail within myself, it may take a life-time. To mention here that the releasing of waste is improving through time so I am walking it in the physical; what I see is that I walked through the fear in real time which was quite a journey. I would say it is time now to transcent it into the start of a new creation within and as myself, so no longer manifesting the fear-result from letting guide me by fear which is the least potential, but starting to open myself up for everything that would make me whole, which is the most potential.
I have taken out this alinea (here above) to start with – well, already in this alinea, there is sooo much written. I will start with self-forgiveness on one line to open it up for and within myself. What I notice with the writing of a blog, is that not everything can be written out in the blog but it has an effect also after writing, where the ‘opening up’ continues within myself and many times, I walk the continuing self-forgiveness after the writing of the blog and the point is here to walk so to speak; I did bring it ‘here’ for myself and actually with doing so, I am stating that ‘I am ready to take on this point within myself’ and so I do.
Here is the line I start applying self-forgiveness on:
“No More will I live half-heartedly, I will Live with my Whole Heart and Open myself to the Potential to be Heard, because unless I am willing to be Heard and willing to Feel pain – I will never be able to actually explore what is actually possible as love and pleasure”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and have lived half-heartedly by not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to be Heard and not willing to feel pain (of what may come from this) and instead, place myself in a position where I am willing to be Hurt because of placing myself in and staying in a position where I am not being heard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the easy way of ‘being hurt by another’, instead of actually doing the work and putting in the effort within myself to Will myself towards willing to be heard and willing to feel pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for my own well-being by placing myself in and staying in a position where I am not being heard and so, keeping myself in my comfort-zone as the easy way of not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain and if I am hurt because of this, having a door open for (hidden) blame towards another as the potential.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on forehand, leaving a door open to blame the potential for me not being heard and instead, letting myself hurt in this which seems to be ‘done by’ the potential but in the starting-point, it is still me who have placed and kept myself in this position.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the potential to not take responsibility and within this, hurting me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not living the most potential within and as myself as in ‘willing to be heard and willing to feel pain’ and so another will not be able to live the most potential within self and with me as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself and another / the potential within the least potential by letting myself guided by fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to be willing to be heard and to be willing to feel pain and instead, trying to push the potential to go through their pain so that the potential will not hurt me anymore and so, I do not have to feel pain myself and am ‘automatically’ being heard without putting in the effort to express myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get around ‘being heard and feeling pain’ and so actually choose the way to be hurt and so still, feeling pain but continuously in a compromised and abusive / manipulative way because I manipulate the situation myself, by letting myself guide by fear as the least potential and expressing me from this compromised starting-point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder why the potential is not living the most potential when all the while, I am not living the most potential by/as myself and so resonating and living ‘fear as guidance’ as the least potential.
When and as I see myself in a position where another is ‘hurting me’, I stop and breathe. I realize that I somehow, somewhere am not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain and so, somewhere /somehow, I am keeping my mouth closed from words that I need to express as the most potential or, that I am not willing to feel pain to transcent a point, which is now playing out as a consequential situation. I commit myself to find the point of fear that I need to transcent and apply self-forgiveness on it and to find the words to express within and as myself and so support myself to bring myself out of the compromised position; first within and when and as required, without.
When and as I see myself holding back to a potential within what I actually would like to express, I stop and breathe. I realize that I let myself guide by fear as my least potential, which may result in a consequential situation of being hurt. I commit myself to find what I fear (to loose) and to apply self-forgiveness on it and from here, support myself to bring myself into expression with words that are best for all (involved) as the most potential; to start and keep practicing over and over again and so accumulate in self-trust in very small steps, breathe by breathe, out of the easy way as the least potential and into self-expression as the most potential.
I commit myself to Will myself to be willing to be heard and to be willing to feel pain.