After the writing of my last blog I looked some more days – up to a few weeks, in the experience of disappointment as it was still here with me every day. At one time I noticed in myself how I could immediately embrace it and then, what would happen is that some layer behind this experience, could open up. I noticed that through not opening up myself for this experience of disappointment to come in, I am ‘holding on’ to what is behind it and so I do not need to ‘let this go’ in a way.
So can I then say that I am only ready to embrace the experience of disappointment when and as I am ready to let go what is behind it that I am holding onto? Or can I actively support myself in embracing the experience of disappointment and from here, I get a better view on that what is hiding or stored behind it and so I can then support myself in this as well to do what is best for myself? It probably works both ways: actively embracing the experience of disappointment without forcing or trying to open up what may hiding behind.
Actually when I did come to this embracing of disappointment and opening up what is behind it in letting it go (forgiving myself in it) – The daily ‘presence’ of this experience of disappointment disappeared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the experience of disappointment and within this, resisting a part of myself and so disconnecting myself from myself in which I then enlarge the experience of disappointment from this disconnection from myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself caught in an experience of disappointment en enlarging the separation / disconnection from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comfort myself with an experience of disappointment, as a kind of safe bubble around me.
Does this relate with what Bernard once told me, that I use the experience of sadness as a reward? I will leave this as a question for myself as an opening to come to an answer through time, in really seeing it within myself, as at the moment what I see is the word ‘comfort’ as kind of safety around me, which can function as a reward as well theoretically, because energy is energy, so surely I should have started using it as a kind of energy reward.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself caught in an energetic reward system that is unknowingly functioning as a limitation system, feeling like ‘I am not coming over this’ and so cycling in an energetic experience of sadness and disappointment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comfort myself with limiting emotional experiences like sadness and disappointment which on very deep levels, come together in / as a state of resentment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel disappointed or sad, hold myself and eventually speak from a starting-point of resentment and so resonating / bringing forward resentment and so what I may expect to be triggered is…resentment in another as well, especially when the experience of disappointment has not been embraced and openend up to and one is directly going into resentment as kind of protection to not experience disappointment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to resentment as long as I am not willing / able to embrace the experience of disappointment and so what I keep creating in my life, are situations that reflect the hidden layer of resentment which may bring related experiences as hate and revenge.
When and as I notice an experience of disappointment within myself passing by, I stop and breathe. I realize that I need to take a moment to embrace the experience and so I commit myself to embrace myself in the experience of disappointment and to comfort myself in it so that I can heal, unite myself with this disconnected piece within and as myself and to open up what I may be holding on to underneath the experience of disappointment.
When and as I see a form of resentment in the background within me, as a kind of ‘hard wall’ somewhere deep inside, I stop and breathe. I realize that there may be an experience of disappointment within me that I have not yet embraced and so, I commit myself to take a moment to breathe and embrace myself unconditionally and see where or what the disappointment is related to and then bring this piece back to myself as a part of me.
When and as I see a reflection in my environment of some one directly living out resentment towards me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I may hold on to a resentment as well, related to the person and / or the situation that reflect on some memory within me and so, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to find what or who I feel disappointed about, to bring it back to myself as a piece of me and as a projection of a self-disappointment towards another or a situation and embracing myself in it unconditionally, to open up what is laying / hiding underneath.
One of the most challenging emotions to embrace I find is disappointment. Even in the smallest things I can experience disappointment and my initial reaction is to suppress it and so not to ‘feel’ it. I have tactics to do this, mostly by ‘looking at the positive aspect’ in it immediately (so before even letting in the experience itself) as for example ‘what I learned from it’.
A few examples of how small things can bring up an experience of disappointment in me:
Snoo (my cat) who did jumped in the middle of a Rosemary plant and so half of the branches broke down; myself accidently breaking some branches of a plant while mowing the grass; when placing the scaffolding, one guy removed some piece of the fence in a not so careful way because it was a bit too high, without discussing with me because I was at sport-lesson, while afterwards appeared only one upper shelf needed to be removed. This piece of fence is needed to keep the cats inside the garden so I placed it back in an improvised way, however what I was disappointed about is how it was a bit of destroyed and existing in it as well I see some worry about how to place it back afterwards. When now writing about it I see that these examples are all about some form of destruction of something that I placed in with care.
I noticed that I easily go into angryness and blame (to myself and / or another) instead of embracing / letting in the experience of disappointment of something broken down. It takes a while before I calm down from experiencing it and I really do not like the feel of it. As I see now it will be supportive for myself to describe more how I experience this emotion and what happens in myself and my body when it comes up. I also have noticed that it does go away after a while when and as I have embraced it. I do suspect that a lot of what I have suppressedwithin my body, is related to a suppression of disappointment.
With the fence I noticed that I stayed calm and directed the situation effectively, replacing a piece of the fence, asking for a hand to help at one of the guys and naming what happened directly when it appeared that I needed that piece of fence, not in a blaming way (and also not experiencing angryness or any particular reaction) but in a direct and funny way, for both of us to not let it be suppressed and ‘lead a life of it’s own‘ so to speak but just so that it is named and out there. This was a cool example for myself to take such things on. However it did affect me that it was broken down – realizing that for many others, it probably would be ‘such a small thing’ barely worth speaking about, especially when one does not know that this piece of fence does have a function in that small area, up on a wall. So afterwards – when I had directed everything – I needed to lay down and rest and let them do their job and embrace myself in the experience of disappointment where I was satisfied in how I handled it so there was no reason to go into self-blame and so, only the experience of disappointment was left over to look at for / within myself.
With Snoo, I did experience angryness towards her – and I rarely experience angryness towards her! lol – I was sooo disappointed as I had just the day before looked at how nicely that plant was growing and I only calmed down when I realized that she did it accidently and if she would have known, she would not have jumped on it, it was just in her way on the ‘road’ that she takes when she runs at max speed through the garden into the house. And when realizing this, I felt shitty about my experience and words of angryness towards her.
With the plant I destroyed myself, I did cut some branches and placed them in the house and I took out what was left of the plant (not much) and decided to find a new one later as more happened already with this plant. I shared with Snoo that I did the same – I accidently broke some branches – and calmed down quite fast.
I will open it up with self-forgiveness and some more inner observation when an emotion of disappointment comes up within me.
I was looking at an experience within myself. A recurrent experience. The experience on itself comes up in me as self-hate. It circled over and over again but I was not able to stop it or look further into it. Looking as for example investigating; is it hate towards myself, is this possible or is it actually an experience / memory of hate towards another and then projected onto myself / my body? Still no progress.
Then I found, it is not hate, it is fear. There is always a fear behind it. So every time when the experience did come up, I reminded myself, it is fear; what is the fear behind it? I did not yet find an answer but within this, the experience of self-hate stopped, the attack on myself, inside myself, towards myself, stopped as it is a step towards self-responsibility. as in ‘not pushing it aside / away’ – towards my intestine for example, so an attack on my physical body – but the experience turned around and the question ‘what is the fear behind it?’ is bringing the experience upwards, towards the heart-area, closer towards ‘myself’ so to speak.
Another thing I see related is an experience of deep regret that I felt stored in my physical body, in the lower parts of my large intestines. I mentioned this towards Sylvie and she recommended an interview from the Atlanteans about regret. I did not yet listen but for the moment work with what she found so far (because it hit home for me):
“It is an emotional energy (with an experience of turning in the stomach) or it is a construct created through structural thinking-processes. With the last, self-judgements are related, as in ‘I wish I had done this or that’ etc.” (Dutch: “Het is of een emotionele energie (met maag draaiengevoel) of een constructie gecreeerd door structurele denkprocessen. Bij die laatste zijn zelfoordelen van de partij van had ik maar zo en zus, enzo”)
The last I recognized and made sense directly. There is a deep deep self-judgement existing within me and it takes my breath away; so with this self-judgement, I take my own breath away, I break down and cry. I would say it is as an ongoing attack towards myself and it feels like ‘I will never be able to come through this’.
This makes sense as here it all comes down to myself and what I am doing to myself. It is not already ‘solved’ with this and my body is still strained and / as it needs to be specified and forgiven, but it is a progress, a step forward and inward, towards myself.
Bernard also told me before in a different context, “you need to name / recognize it for what it is”. If I define it as something different, I am not able to open it up. So a sign that nothing is changing and that I am circling in the same experience over and over again, may indicate that I define an experience as something that it is not, or only a very small part of it and so I unable myself to forgive myself and go deeper. As I keep myself separated for what I have hidden inside of me.
So to start opening it up:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep circling in an experience of self-hate without making any progress and without being able to stop myself in it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear something and turn this into hate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project hate onto my own intestine and attack my own intestine for not working properly, without being able to look further at what I am really doing inside myself, towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself on a very deep level without being able to specify what I judge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away by judging myself for what I did or did not do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for every mistake, the small, the big and fear to be judged for every mistake, the small, the big.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk on egg-shells inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to really relax with who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always think and believe that I could have done better, trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and so fear consequences as I believe that with making consequences, I deserve punishment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘doing my best’ for a point of self-interest, in trying to keep something that I prefer and within this, trying to prevent consequences and walking on egg-shells, so that ‘I am not to blame’ which is my own back-lash coming at me, as a sabotage-pattern, to blame myself afterwards for ‘what I could have and should have’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step on myself and keep myself small, stamping myself in the ground so to speak with this construct, trying to stay invisible in perfectionism.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack myself as soon as I even consider stepping outside / moving beyond a (pre)programming and so keeping myself imprisoned in my own mind-control, in fear for my own emotional self-attack and in hate of my own obedience towards control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep so much hate hidden and existing within me instead of embracing myself in my own rejected parts, constructs, experiences, protections and everything that I hide within me, piece by piece.
And so, I commit myself to become more gentle, more loose with myself, to distinguish between when to push and when to embrace myself, to distinguish in what I am able to and what not, to distinguish in my starting-point: is it fear or self-honesty? To define as specific as possible what I go through and to look directly in why I did do or not do something within the context and moment it is in and to no longer take it out of the context, into the future as a form of self-abuse of how I should have and could have because what is clear, I could not and so should not, otherwise I would have done it already. And from here, I commit myself to start trusting myself in where I am in my process and what I am able to and what not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively define what I would like to live in a relationship-agreement and to somehow expect that I / we will find out along the way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this, I automatically follow all the subconscious / unconscious (pre-)programs and only through ‘living them out’ learn to know how and where I am following ineffective programs within and as my mind and integrated within my physical body and reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start with sex / physical intimacy and from here, trying to create a mutual supportive communication, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have turned around the entrance-point, as the physical intimacy should follow up on mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so becoming a physical expression of all these qualities developed over time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if not effectively building / developing a communication based on qualities like trust, intimacy, freedom, support, then eventually, the physical intimacy will stagnate, because one cannot lie in sex / physical intimacy as the body does not lie and so, at some point, the physical intimacy can no longer ‘save’ the relationship from an ineffective communication and so,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter the physical intimacy from a starting-point of fear, thinking and believing that “I / we will never be able to make it and so we better get out of it as much and as far as possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will not be able to build / develop an effective relationship-agreement with another as a partner, based on mutual support, trust, freedom, intimacy etc as I do not see how all and everything will come together in this, meaning, a ‘liking’ of each other, our place in process and developed skills, our practical situation in this world, the will to create something more and so, I on forehand compromise myself in my potential and start somewhere in the middle, to at least then being able to create some of the physical intimacy that I see that should be possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start in the middle and / or at the end and so already from the start, sabotage my own potential which then also reflect in the relationship and within another as well, both being limited in our expression and creation because of the limited starting-point in it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on an end-goal of ‘wanting a relationship with a partner with physical intimacy’ and so projecting a goal outside myself, instead of focusing on my expression and development along the way, such as sharing, self-trust and trust, freedom from a point of self-honesty, intimacy in small moments, mutual support etc and from here, walk day by day, week by week, until it’s done and if not done, as far as possible, because in the end what matters and has an effect on myself, my life and on others and their lives, is who I am in every moment of self-creation, in and as a self-agreement and from a starting-point of what is best for all as life and to be able to do this, I have to face and let go of a fear that I ‘will never make it’ and one thing is for sure, if I go on as how I am used to / have allowed myself to be programmed, I for sure ‘will not make it’ as the best of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ‘fear of failure’ rule me (read ‘Failure in Relation to the Soul‘) so that it is not up to me ‘failing’ if the end-result is not how I perceived, because in fact, I did not ‘do my best’ from the beginning / within my starting-point / in who I am; although it looks as if I do the best I can, it is more a ‘trying to make it work’ with what I have started, from a self-dishonest / misaligned entrance point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I experience an emotion of for example missing or sadness, to think and believe that I did something wrong and so ‘not what is best’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the emotion shows a part of myself that I have separated myself from and so, I firstly need to bring the piece back to myself where from here, I am better able / enable myself to direct myself in a way that is best for myself / all selves (and where a real missing still can exist as well).
It are somehow all obvious points on a conscious level, yet at the same time, it is needed to self-forgive, redefine and bit by bit, living the correction, because the ‘obvious’ is turned around and ineffectively programmed and followed up by me on deeper levels, within and as myself.
I have been listening to the Sexual & Gender Identities Series on Eqafe. I choose this serie out of interest in the deeper dimensions behind it. Not because I have questions or doubt about my own gender or sexual identity; I am and have been clear of being attracted to male’s for intimate / sexual relationships and whenever I check this within myself, this stays the same. I did in my late teenage years have two sort of interactions with kissing a girl; one with a friend and one on a home-party where ‘everyone was kissing everyone’ more or less. With the friend, I did it more because she initiated this and I was ‘observing’ how it was different from kissing with a boy; for the rest nothing moved within me in a form of attraction or excitement. Then I remember one time seeing a girl / woman in a sport-club who was a more’masculine’ and her I found ‘attractive’ and I was a bit surprised about this. And this was basicly it. Sometimes it would seem easier to me lol, to have a relationship with a female as I find the communication with females many times easier / more comfortable. Here noticing that I would totally miss my challenge and potential if I would follow up on this from a starting-point of avoiding the challenge to align with a male and so not being self-honest / genuine in this point.
However I find it supportive to understand some more on how sexual identities exist and develop in different forms and with different dimensions behind it, to understand more about every one who is having a ‘different sexual / gender’ identity than the ‘normal’ male-female form.
While listening to the serie, I find many supportive information in it on relationships and sexuality in general and especially a serie of five, done by one being through the portal, is giving me clear definitions about forming a ‘healthy relationship’ in general; may it be with males or females. And this is something that I am struggling with in my life as here it seems my toughest programming is existing. So first and foremost, this serie is very supportive for everyone to listen and not only for those who are having questions about their sexual or gender identity.
The interviews are done by a being who describes herself as bi-sexual, how she was very genuine in this with regards to her sexual and gender identity and how she was lucky to develop an extra-ordinary relationship through her life that was of benefit for each to live their potential. For details I of course recommend to listen to the interviews 😉 starting here: Being Bi-Sexual and Gender Identities.
What I find most supportive is how in one of the interviews, she describes “how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship” instead of “how sex become what defines a relationship”. She describes this in a beautiful and simple way.
In theory, this is quite easy to comprehend. However what I have found is that the ‘default’ programming is existing on deep levels and not so easy to ‘turn around’ in a way, into a wholesome approach. Meaning, I did let sex define the relationship I would enter, although ‘I knew better’. I had to walk it through to the point of creating (many long and short-term) relationships with several consequences, up to where I am now, with / within myself, taking the time to clarify for myself how to redefine a partner-ship into something I will be satisfied with to walk and that underlines my potential, the potential of a partner and so the potential of life as a whole.
Her clear and integer description supports me to implement this first and foremost within myself; to give sex and sexuality the place where it belongs and not making it more important then what is is / should be. She also describes how “this world would perfectly function without sex”.
What I mean with ‘turning it around’ is that I tend to start with sex / physical intimacy and from there, try to develop the trust, intimacy, communication, freedom etc. Which is almost impossible as the starting-point is not aligned but compromised; there is a fear behind it of for example ‘not having sex / not aligning in sex’ and so starting with this to make sure this is in place and / or at least experienced – in a way and also a fear of ‘not being able to firstly align in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so disconnect ‘having sex’ and ‘supportive relationships’ (as how I am able to develop these qualities in friendships) and within this disconnection, trying to ‘have both’ but actually separated and in the end I still find myself trying to bring the (sexual) relationship towards an alignment in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc. I have tried this many times and all the many times, did not succeed in bringing it into a satisfying partnership. So I now can conclude that my approach is not effective, that I miss something in the relationship with myself and that I need to go back to the drawing-board of my own mind-being-body relationship and finding a way of implementing sex as a “physical expression of everything that I develop in a relationship” as partnership, other than friendship.
Many of the interviews in this serie are coming back on this one point (“how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship”) and so listening to (the repeating of this in) the serie is a start of a ‘reprogramming’ of myself within this.
So far for this blog – to be followed up with self-forgiveness.
I started this blog two days ago with writing self-forgiveness on what I received as comments on a picture of my face. I found it very supportive to open up with and enter the levels that were visible in my facial expression / resonance. From here on (the blog) I had two ‘heavy’ days and did come in an experience of depression. It was quite heavy, yet at the same time I did see it as a layer that I presented to myself as if it was time to open it up, to find the source of it. Meaning, the depression did not ‘scare’ me as if I would get lost in it; I kept my self-awareness within it.
What I also started to see is that if and when I have all the basic information about how the mind is build up and operates, about systems, self-awareness, self-honesty and tools of how to work with it all (writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and living words) and the breathing to help myself through moments of panic; then I should be able to support myself through and find the ‘flaw’ within me, as it exists most of times as a conflictual situation / experience between a program / system / self-belief and my self-honesty as ‘who I am / want to be’ as what is best for myself (and so for others and/as life as a whole). This does not mean it was an easy two days; it was not. I found a lot of insecurity that I have created within myself and that are based on a few thoughts, existing as self-beliefs.
During the two days I did continue with my daily tasks and kept on communicating; on my way to work in the morning of the second day, I could already write down some realizations. After two days in the evening, I found a striking behaviour-pattern of / within myself. I realized, well better said, I directly saw how I deliberately bring myself in a situation that is not best for myself; where I already have received flag-points to investigate (inside and/or outside myself) before entering the situation (in my case relationships) but stepping deeper into it within the purpose to be so deep into it ‘that I cannot step out of it anymore’ and so ‘I need to stay in it and deal with it / make the best of it’ without the need to leave.
Before I had already noticed this pattern but I translated it in a way as if this was my way of forcing myself to take responsibility for myself in certain situations; as if I otherwise would not do this. What I did see now directly, is that my starting-point of doing this (entering the situation despite there being and seeing flag-points all over within myself and / or outside that I firstly need to investigate and bring into alignment) is to avoid responsibility as that “I am already in it, I cannot let it go anymore” and so trying to take responsibility within a situation that is compromised and so walking around the one real deep starting-point that I need to take responsibility for in / as myself (that the red-flags already are showing). When I did see, realize and understand this within myself, the depression did go away or actually, disappeared simultaneously.
This brought me back to my experience of depression 20 years ago, when I did enter a situation in a way that I should not have entered (with the consequence that I made a decision for an abortion) and even years before back, where I did experience a deep, clinical depression for some moments (a few times from about 30 minutes) after taking a piece of extasy – also in a situation where I actually should not have been part of but in the last moment when another appointment was canceled I decided to join.
This brings me to be and become aware of how and where I bring myself in situations that are not best for myself, that I should better avoid and move on with or towards something more suitable but where I deliberately and continuesly as a pattern, go ‘to the edge’ and actually ‘over the edge’ in a compromising way. What I actually allow myself here is to ‘experience’ something, to get my bliss in a way before I stop. Here to remind myself that if I compromise myself, this will also be compromising for others involved and life as a whole, in some way (that I even not may see directly) and that I also need to be aware that with ‘going after this bliss’, the bliss may ‘get me / the best of me’ if I continue like this.
Here under the start of the blog 2 days ago as an example of how the blog-writing and just starting with self-forgiveness, is supportive to open up some deep dimensions within myself.
2 days ago:
I found some comments on my picture in a facebook-group of Desteni Universe where many placed a picture and one could describe what one is seeing within the face of each other. I was hesitating to describe what I see in other faces but enjoyed all the plain and straight pictures. I find the comments on my picture striking and so I use them here to apply self-forgiveness on. The picture was made in the morning on my way to work and close after some words of ‘goodbye’ in the day and week before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the sadness in my eyes; the sadness of a goodbye that I would have liked to see different.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not ready for intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than everyone else who is ready for intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like self-intimacy is not enough and at the same time feeling like I will never get there, I will never be able to bring myself towards and within a satisfying, intimate interaction with a partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad with the need to start all over again, like if every effort before did not make any sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of all the effort that I put in that ‘lead to nowwhere’ – hmmm interesting slip of the finger: ‘nowwhere’ instead of nowhere.
Here I found a picture with the words ‘being in the Now’ where I could look through the words and where I did see how trying to be in the now, does actually contain a ‘fear of missing out’ behind it. Here to correct this in the more grounded statement as ‘Being Here’ as this is embracing everything that is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in this one point which I know is my struggle-point because I have never learned or had an example to build an effective relationship from a starting-point of self-intimacy, however because I see the possibility for so long while living in reality my lesser version, it feels like ‘I will never get there’ which I actually created as experience through walking relationships from a compromised starting-point, in and as fear (of never getting there / not going to make it / missing my chance) and so, I am walking in circles, in a loop, creating over and over this fear-experience within and as me, in and as ‘my life’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this loop as ‘my life’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say ‘goodbye’ and to keep things ‘open’ for the future, although I do not see any possibility to continue, considering the facts and reality of the situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep things open for the future’ and so limiting myself in moving forwards in current time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in this point, my current location-point with regards to relationships, to show face and where I am within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can not have any disappointment anymore and with any new disappointment, feeling like my motivation for anything is dropping down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in situations where I easily get disappointed until I cannot have it anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so deeply disappointed from all the moments that a required self-honesty within a relationship is not coming forward where in my own self-honesty, the best option is to leave, however still feeling like there was another option as ‘living my best’, but I have missed it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to stay as long as possible and within this not placing my self-honesty and self-intimacy at first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the seeing of living my best potential to ‘if I would have done that, we would have been together’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these things are not automatically connected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up ‘ment to be’ and ‘supposed to be’ and actually not being aware of what ‘supposed to be’ looks like, feels like, sounds like, manifests like and so holding on to ‘what is ment to be’ as the only ‘replacing’ experience that seems to come close, however which must be my pre-programming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have walked such a difficult point and to find it ridiculous that this is the point I struggle with the most and within this, not taking myself serious enough in it, as walking through and moving beyond a pre-programming is the most difficult thing that I (as we all) have ever done, no matter where this point is related to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself as if I should have known better and should have done better and so superiorizing myself as well in this point, thinking and believing that I already could have done better when I show myself in reality that I first need to walk through to see, embrace, understand and forgive the lesser version of myself and getting my hands dirty so to speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to some day feel ready to let go, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that time will take off the sharpness so to speak but I need to let go actively and by decision, otherwise I will never let go unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I fear to ‘let go’ because of the ‘letting go’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really fear is the ‘not knowing’ that comes after it with all the ‘what if’s’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not (yet) willing to put in the effort for what is behind it and needed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in ‘the concept of love’ (that many name as ‘trusting the universum or god’) instead of letting go the concept of love and stepping into the depth of trusting myself in and as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself to my own strength, as if it is a curse, thinking and believing that no one will stand with me in this (as a partner) and so I will be (left) alone and/or never find someone.
This brought me to the words that Bernard speak to me several times when I was on the farm in South-Africa 7 years ago: “you are a strong woman, you have to (need to?) accept that’.
I realized that it is about accepting myself in this as ‘this is who I am’- this will make me secure, more certain. He literally said it in words but it takes me all this time to really understand the words. This ‘accepting’ is essential / crucial in this, otherwise it will be a ‘trying to hide my insecurity’ and so I polarize the insecurity and uncertainty into an arrogance. Which is what I did/do not want and so, I could/can not enter these words within me.
What I now see is that this may be conflictual with ‘the concept / system of love’ – as the one that I ‘feel love for and feel loved back by’ may not be the one that is potential suitable. With other words, ‘the one ment to be‘ with may be different / another than that I am supposed to be with.
So in order for myself to accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ I need to walk through the concept / system of love (as how it exists in this world) with many illusions and flaws connected and integrated within. And as long as I keep holding on to the veil of love, I will not accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ as my utmost potential. Simply because these two points are conflictual and cannot exist at the same time. Here I do not mean that ‘love as equality’ cannot exist at the same time with ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’, but not as a pre-programmed design of ‘love’, based on experiences and polarizations and not as long as the words ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’ is polarized within / as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace, accept myself as a strong woman in order to avoid responsibility, within and as myself as a whole.
I did come to a realization the other day that I now go and test for myself through time. Interesting enough since I am behind my computer, first a strong resistance did come up to the writing of this blog and after this resistance decreasing, it is as if the words are away of how clear it did become visible within myself a few hours before. So I am on the right spot so to speak.
Anyway. It’s not ‘new’ – everything is already here – but it’s about coming to the realization in and as myself, so ‘seeing it’ in a way within myself and it is about decisions. I remember Bernard mentioned several times like ‘it’s a decision’ (as for example he said ‘I decided to like you all’). This I found very supportive, to see and realize it ‘as an action’ in a way. What I did realize for myself last day is that, it has to become a decision.
What I mean by this, is that as long as I see challenges as moving myself towards something that I ‘actually do not want / prefer’ but what did come forward ‘as best’- within this I still place myself in some kind of victimization towards the challenge as ‘what is best’. Meaning, I do it, I move myself, but not really standing in and as it, in and as ‘self-will’.
What I did see, is that I need to make it a decision within and as me, like ‘giving up’ on something that is no longer best for myself (and / as others) as a whole (as life) – instead of giving up on myself and keep holding on to what I prefer / desire / want – then when and as I am ready to move myself to make this decision in a specific area, I ‘own it’ in a way and I am from here on empowering myself within / as this decision, instead of victimizing myself by and through what ‘needs to be done’.
This is actually in line with ‘it’s a decision’ as this describes it as well in a different way. It all comes down to decisions, small one’s, big one’s, of who I am in a certain moment and what I bring forward / express / live and create within this.
I am not yet kristal clear on it but found it worth writing down already as a general approach from ‘victimization‘ to ‘living decisions’. When and as I find myself clear and certain on the specifics, I will be able to write about it in more context and so making it more clear. Because what I also see within this is that there is a process prior to the living of a decision where in I walk through (as forgiving myself as a self-understanding of) all that I did connect as preferences, needs, desires, fears, wants, etc; related to the specific area, that I eventually am going to live a decision in.