Dag 826 – #Equality

I am looking in the word Equality and what it means. As how I see it, equality is the most challenging aspect of this process of birthing myself as life from the physical. To take responsibility for every aspect, every thought, emotion, feeling in and as myself. To stand ‘equal’ with it within myself and through this, with all and everything that exists in this world.

Without equality, I am not able to manifest myself in my utmost potential, in and as self-expression in a way that supports myself and another equally. I started my Desteni I Process around 10 years ago and 10 years before this, I have finished my education in natural medicine. However I have not yet been able to successfully start something within this area in a way that I see myself in my ability reflected. There was always something missing and I did not want to start giving something ‘in my name’ that I am not totally satisfied with, in that I see there is something more.

One aspect of this process is that I ‘fear people’ so to speak. Bernard pointed this out to clearly to me with the words ‘you still fear people’ – not as something big, but let’s say mentioning it two or three times towards me – when I was at the farm in South-Africa. It was not something new, only a confirmation from what I did already see and sense within myself. This ‘fear of people’ makes it difficult to ‘work with people’ in a supportive way. When I asked him ‘what to do about it’ he mentioned ‘it’s a thought‘. When I bring this back to the existence of a single thought, I come to a view of it is probably based on moments in childhood, where I felt like ‘loosing control’ in for example being disturbed and then creating a thought to create an illusion of control, in and as my mind.

(Click here for the Englich explanation in an interview and here for a personal Dutch youtube exploring this mechanism).

Which then develops into being triggered again in other moments, creating energy in the form of emotions (negative energetic experiences) and from here building up towards the polarity in and as feelings (positive energetic feelings). So I then could say that in interaction with people, I create a thought as an attempt to ‘keep the control’ inside myself because this is all I know. Which I then form judgements about within myself, towards myself and from here projected into a form of blame onto others in which I create a ‘fear of people’. Something like that, I still do not see the exact construction as I do not see specific memories but I am getting more stable in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I engage THOUGHT, it acts like GOD and fear emerges as make believe concepts and ideas I make myself believe till I am scared. Essentially, I create my fear and then am afraid of my own creation – such a powerful being I am – yet it all happens ONLY IN MY HEAD, ALONE and when I can transfer MY FEAR to another HEAD, through talking, or writing, or examples or pictures – it remains IN MY HEAD alone, MY FEAR ONLY.

From: Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 42: Fear Be AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID

So here I am after 10 years walking this Desteni I Process, to get to know myself in thoughts, emotions, feelings and the process of self-forgiveness (as self-understanding) and self-correction in my living action in word and deed. And here a new area opens up. An area that I have not walked in before. And this is asking for self-trust. For trusting myself in that I will see in the moment what to do as what is best. Where the knowledge and information is here as a back up for myself, to cross-reference the solutions that come up within me, however not as a strict guide-line to follow because that is the reason why I did not yet start something in my own name after completing the study of natural medicine; because doing it on knowledge and information only, is not enough. It is not what and how I want to give as myself in and as a point of support.

So, back to the word equality. Because I see this process is all about integrating the concept of equality within and as myself. To at least use this as a starting-point and so a self-commitment – not as an absolute goal as if I have already ‘reached’ this but as an ongoing process and enough to start with. I have seen that it is enough to start with practically because I have stumbled on a physical support that in my eyes reflects the point of equality in the source within our physical body and so I can use it as a physical support for every one who is able (also with regards to some costs that come along with it), ready and willing to receive. And here it is up to me to find the courage within me to walk into this new area of self-expression as a way of support that is best for all, within my personal reach. So that I can expand and learn beyond my programming and others as well, in a way that is best for all.

In every conflict, in every war, in every physical disbalance there is (or have been in the past and being unresolved) an aspect of equality missing and so the starting-point needs to be relooked at. We somehow are able to grasp the word oneness, this because it is used in religions and so the mind can grasp this in a way. However in which religion do we really see equality coming through as a living reality? Jesus is living it in his message, however he also have been ‘veiled’ in a way which ended up in a form of control, channeled into a ‘religion’, following a ‘God’ which he never intended. How is real equality possible if we already believe in a form of ‘God’ that ‘stands above us’ as the creator, I mean, as something that we have placed our responsibility on? Here the starting-point is already screwed and so the point of equality is missing. Which equally means that we are missing ourselves in and as the responsibility of being the creator of our own creations as consequences.

(…) My message was that of equality. Yet, the White Light so specifically arranged for my coming to be that of creating a religion for all to be enslaved and not realize, experience or see who they really are. For if the beings here on earth, even during the time I was here were allowed to see and experience who they are – the White Light and many other dimensional beings would not be able to have power and control over earth – power and control being their alpha and omega. The White Light and many other dimensional beings’ God were: Power and Control. The best place to stand as such was here on earth. What I understood before coming was that I was sent to bring forth equality and awareness to the people of earth for they had lost themselves and forgot who they are. The White Light said that they are sending me specifically to speak, show and reveal once again who each are for peace, harmony, freedom and equality to once again prevail on earth. All that I in this moment stood for as who I am. With absolute excitement and uncontainable gratefulness I set forth on my journey on earth to assist all too once again become aware, see and experience who they are. Primarily I presumed through information given to me by the White Light at the time – the people, the beings incarnated on earth have forgotten who they are because the interdimensional interaction was non-existent and weren’t consistently surrounded by beings such as myself who clearly remember who they are in every moment.

The White Light required a manifestation of who each one really is to walk the earth to assist all to once again remember – as I have explained. I clearly remember my experience on earth some two thousand years ago. Each and every single being I came into contact with – I experienced as equal and the same to who I am, yet individual and unique in their forms of self-expression. Little did I know during my experience on earth of the mind/consciousness construct which was imbedded and implanted within people on earth as a specific enslavement construct to have the people on earth remain as slaves for other to inflict their power and control ego-applications. I was not aware of the mind/consciousness construct as the White Light veiled it from my eyes so that I may only see who each being really is as myself – I did not see their earthly three dimensional systems at all. According to my understanding, and this is exactly what I did – I showed, spoke and revealed to each on earth what they are capable as me to apply and become when following my example through specific application. I did not intend for myself to become a being to be worshipped and for God to be portrayed as a being outside each one. My specific words were for each to understand who they as God as me and I am an example of who each one is. I showed as an example the simplicity of the ability to heal, to move out of your body completely, to leave your body for a certain amount of time and be able to come through again through breathing in the breath of life that is you. I alone was not able to travel through the world in one singular life to assist all on earth to understand who I am and each are, thus the first application I knew I was required to do was to gather a certain amount of people to follow my process, examples and words, to become as who I am as they are to once I leave assist the rest of the world. To each spread into different directions, establish themselves and walk amongst others and show, speak and reveal who each are as they are as I am. My plan was to once I leave earth permanently create an interdimensional relationship with all on earth to not allow anyone to forget who they are and become lost through forgetfulness. Surely as all on earth who are reading this in this moment are able to see that this is clearly not the way it played out – as I intended and set forth. (…)”

From: Jesus – The forgiveness of Jesus

As how I see it, the mind can not grasp this point of equality because it would mean that the mind in and as energy in plus and min, as how we have channeled ourselves into, is coming to an end. So we should not wait for ‘god’ in and as our own mind, to bring in some equality. Because as long as we only ‘think’ and look from a ‘mind-perspective’, we will not see the solution in and as equality. However we can use our mind very well to see – this ‘I’ that is ‘seeing into‘ my own mind, this is ‘me’ as a being as the directive principle – where we have separated ourselves from our responsibility from our substance in and as sound, as this is coming up clearly in thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, conflicts, illness and disease and so we have it all within us to start this process of birthing ourselves as Life from the physical. For those who have the time and money and so what is equally needed for a world that is best for all, is an equal money system as an equal birth right for every one. That is not yet here, we are still far away from that. But for those reading here, it is possible to start this process within and as self. Also join Earth Haven.

What is Process? Free interview

I invite everyone to write something about equality with #Equality, in what it means and how we have walked it so far. So that many examples and aspects will be out here, to spread the word so to speak, to bring it into living.

I will expand with some self-forgiveness as well in a blog to come. Thanks!


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 825 – I think that you think that….

I am looking at how I often assume that someone else is thinking something about me, when and as I should do / say this or that; and because I do not want to have the other think ‘that something’ about me, I easily decide to NOT do / say this or that. So I withdraw myself and hold in my expression, based on assumptions in and as my mind what another MAY think about it.

Pfiew that sounds complicated isn’t it? It looks like a perfect way to keep myself busy in the mind with projecting my own thoughts / assumptions onto another and then using this as an excuse to not go into the unknown of self-expression and also to keep generating a certain energy within me, where a form of blame is existing in this as well, on forehand. So I already blame another for what another may think about me when I do / say this or that and within this, in / as my mind, I then hold another responsible for what I do express or not.

Let’s open this up within self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on forehand, blame another for what they may think about me when I do or say something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself busy in and as my mind, within assumptions about what another may think about me and then using my own assumptions as an excuse to decide to not express myself in that moment.

I wrote assumptions now 3 times as assumprions (as the r is next to the t) which looks like ‘prisons’ to me, interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prison myself in my own assumptions in and as my mind, in thinking about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of fear within me within my own assumptions as prisons; as thoughts about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.

Which brings me to what Bernard said to me about eight years ago, that I still ‘fear people‘ and when I asked ‘what to do about it?’ he mentioned ‘it’s a thought’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people within creating thoughts about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that and within this, holding another responsible for what I say or not say and for what I do or not do and within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold another responsible for my experience of fear for another, which is actually created by my own thoughts as assumptions about what another may think about me when I say / do this or that.

This is understandable in theory. In practice, it is related to an emotional experience that I withhold within me that prevents me from expressing myself. This then should be based on an experience that I once or more had in childhood, as this is how we mostly create such suppressed emotional experiences and then creating thoughts about it as a default way to try to get back in control, when what actually happens only is that the control in / as the mind, within and as myself, is increasing and so creating this prison within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely disempowered when and as another gives a feedback on my expression that is totally not aligned with what I mean to express. And in this moment, what comes up within me ‘I don’t know what to do’.

From what I see, it is possible that the feedback is indeed not aligned and may come of a point of control of the other as probably a parent, who in that moment, does not know what to do eather and so, the parent goes into a form of control to not experience this within self. And so the sins of the fathers are passing through. I do not have children to pass it through, I would even say that this experience is one of the reasons (amongst many other dimensions) for that I found myself unable to make a decision to receive and raise a child. So this patterns that seem so small, go quite deep and do have far consequences. Important enough to stop, understand, forgive and change this within myself. Slowly, step by step, as in ‘guiding the child’ within me to open up in my expression and going beyond this experience of disempowerment. So that I am no longer a part of passing the sins into this world.

This emotional experience, based on a memory, is also often the reason used as an excuse to keep blaming and not taking responsibility for my own thoughts as assumptions. Because within my mind, it feels ‘so right’ because it is based on something that did happen in the past and that was not persé ‘my fault’. So here I need to take the step to embracing the fact that it does exist within me now, that I did accept and allow it to develop into a habit or pattern within me that is harmful for myself and others as well; in holding myself and another PRISON in patterns and habits, based on assumptions and thoughts. Where through my acceptance and allowance, it did become and so it is, MY responsibility. And this is the only ‘way’ to empower myself to do something about it. So no wonder that I do feel disempowered in these moments, as I automatically place my responsibility outside myself and so while doing this, I disempower myself to do something about it. Over and over again. Which enlarges and accumulate the experience of disempowered. I ‘build up’ my own prison. But, as how we all know, deep down inside self: I cannot change another, I can only decide to – and change myself.

So. The theory is clear. Back to the experience of disempowerment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so disempowered within a moment that I express something and another shows a complete misalignment with what I express or even goes into a form of control as reaction within self to what I express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘blame it on me’ when another goes into a form of control as a reaction on something that I express, thinking and believing that ‘someone needs to be blamed’ and so it is either the other or me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that someone needs to be blamed, instead of simply taking out the blame system, to no longer participate in this game of thoughts and assumptions and instead, take responsibility for me in that moment and seeing in that moment what I can do to express or maybe keep silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself – and another – busy in and as the mind within this game of thoughts and assumptions, within this ‘blame-game’ actually only with the purpose to ‘win’ and generate energy in and as a ‘good feeling’, or trying to ‘prove that I am right’, to get away from the negative experience of disempowered, not seeing, realising and understanding that and how I enlarge this negative experience of disempowerment within me and within this, creating an experience of ‘fearing people’ in and as blame, where someone needs to be blamed. So either I blame myself or I will be blamed by another – in and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a joker within and as my mind in participating in this blame-game – the joke is on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘being too much’ when I express myself, like ‘too much asking for attention’ or ‘too much distracting another’ or well, too much of many things.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see beyond the possibility of blame, as in ‘it has to be you or me’ in and as the mind and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself and another prison within a fight or war as if someone needs to be blamed alone which is actually trying to NOT be responsible, at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as long as I participate in and as the mind in polarities in systems, that I enable myself to take and be responsible for and as myself, simply because the mind as a system, is not able to do so, it is only an energetic system, created by acceptance and allowance in and as mySELF and so the source, myself is what I need to bring myself back to in order to take and be responsible for anything that exists within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a system for not taking and being responsible when all the while, I am avoiding to take responsibility for myself in and as this system, in and as self-understanding, in and as self-forgiveness and so deleting the system as a whole, bringing back the polarity in and as energy that creates a constant conflict back to myself as a being, as the one and only with the ability to be self-responsible and while doing so, enabling myself to birth myself as life in the physical, in and as substance, sound and aligned with and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to not be responsible at all and within this, preventing myself from the possibility, joy, expansion and so much more that self-expression does entail, if and when I allow myself to open up in and as responsibility myself.

When and as I see myself participating in thinking about what another may think when I say this or that, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in an old habit or pattern as an energetic system that no longer serves me, as I am an adult now, I am in the geographical and economic location and far by strong enough to take responsibility for myself in any moment and so, I commit myself to breathe and clear myself in a moment to then see what it is that I would like to express and then do so in alignment to the moment and circumstances, weather it is with another to share something or with myself alone within for example a self-forgiveness.

When and as I still see myself holding back my expression in a moment with another, I stop and breathe. I realize that my expression may not be aligned or that I need to take small steps to guide myself in this new area and so I commit myself to hold myself by the hand in embracing, exploring, practising, finding and expanding myself in and as my self-expression, which I realize that goes in small steps, with trials and errors here and there but not anything that I cannot correct myself in and while doing so, aligning myself in and as the expression of life itself as what is best for all life. Where in I commit myself to practise the application of redefining and living words, as a support to align and sound my expression with and within what is best for all.


Proces van zelfverandering:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 824 – Let’s talk about Love

Within my last blog I announced a new chapter of going to share and express more profession / discipline related. In this blog, I will look back into the 8-9 years that I now participate within the group and principles of Desteni and within which I thus far, have walked the written courses of SRA 1 and 2.

Here I will especially focus on my personally most challenging distraction, which is the area of ‘love‘ and relationships and in my case, it was mostly related to ‘finding or keeping’ a relationship. Which means, nothing stable did come forward out of it.

But!

Here actually did come forward something stable out if it: ME

I have reached a point where I start trusting myself in my decisions with regards to intimate relationships and no longer settle for something less than what I see is my potential and who I can be within a partnership. It took all of me to come to this point and the Desteni I Process and weekly buddy chats, supported me immensely in this and eventually prevented me from going under in it all. So I could walk through it all, through relationship-patterns, in and as the physical as well, with the Desteni I Process and buddy chats by hand, keeping me on track and as a reference point in that I would not loose myself in it all.

I now stand on my own two feet without SRA lessons and Buddy chats in this period of my life (but still walking my Desteni I Process as this is an ongoing ‘process’ in any case) and I have come through the first let’s say ‘testing’ moment of not giving in, into a lesser version of myself that I already could see on forehand but that I before, most often still allowed myself to ‘go into it’ with the reason that ‘I am not totally sure’ and so ‘testing it out’.

This gives actually more trouble in paradise lol, meaning, it gives build-up experiences and so more difficulties in an eventual ‘letting go’. This ‘testing’ is not totally out of line, as it can be good and cool to ‘investigate and keep what is good’ however, I also see kind of a backdoor in it as a distraction of this individual path that we all walk alone in a way with our unique purpose in it. And the ‘aloneness‘ in it. Not lonelyness, I really mean ‘aloneness’.

This is what I am currently facing, this aloness, this walking alone where only I can give it direction; I mean with ‘it’, my life and what I would like to create. Finding it out while walking yet aligned with a clear view forward. The stopping of the buddy chats actually supports me in this at this moment in my life (point of self-honesty!), to really be by /with myself and becoming really comfortable in this, with me, as me. Sometimes a support can keep a door closed as well, preventing from diving into deep as the depth of myself and I am glad that I could open this door for myself in communication with my buddy. Knowing that ‘back up’ support is here when needed and trusting myself that I will ask for support when required.

However, not much talking about love yet here as I see. Hmmm. Every time I try to write a blog about it I fail in this, I ‘dodge’ the subject or I write it out as a concept, not satisfied enough to place it as a blog because still ‘not being sure’ and so points existing within me to walk before I dare to close the backdoor.

But. Again. Lol. I am finally satisfied with the path that I am walking and standing up in it. It’s not exactly that I would describe it as ‘I am happy’ as I do not really know what that means; I mean true happiness is not to be found in a world that we currently exist in. But, I am becoming more satisfied with me. With me keeping to it (the ‘path’ that I am walking), sticking to it, in and as myself so let’s say ‘sticking to myself’.

It is not what I would have expected. I face a lot of moments of ‘jealousy’ in a way, towards partnership related situations that I would have wanted for myself. You could actually describe it as ‘my worst nightmare scenario’ as in walking completely alone (yet together with all of you) at the age of 47, no children, no partner. Is there regret? Sure. A part of me feels like walking a life review here on earth, facing where I did not live my best and why.

However I do not experience it as a nightmare. I actually see myself enjoying myself more and more, in very small things. I catch myself responding and laughing to a silly thing, for example with my cat, even on days that I do not particularly feel good but facing some tough times and then without thinking about, it I express myself in joy and then in a moment it comes up: “hey I can not have fun now, I am all alone and ‘sad’ about this”. Lol.

That sounds like a program to me. That ‘I am not allowed’ to enjoy myself alone while walking alone. Not saying that ‘I want to stay or be alone’ all the time or my whole life but at this point, this is the situation and it does make sense actually in that I do need time for myself in this creation process and I find myself, still, quite easily distracted by companionship.

However what I also recently started considering, is that I am easily distracted by companionship because the basic from what I got involved into, was always a ‘relationship’ and so easily interwoven with each other, until the point of more and more compromising myself in what I would like to express and create. Or let’s say. it was even a compromise in finding out what I would like to create. Going with the ‘bare minimum’ and trying to convince myself that I am satisfied with this. When actually all the while, what I really wanted and want – if and when a potential situation opens up – is an agreement and nothing less. But I was not ready to even say this word as an option for myself: agreement. So I tried to settle for less, with different kind of excuses projected on potential partners. And so it did not become stable, because I do see my potential and less than my potential, is not equal to that potential, it’s less.

So Love as how we mostly know it, as how I have walked it, I see merely based on sexual attraction and so on pre-programming. This is potentially being possible to be transcended into an agreement but not easily. Because the starting-point within ‘love as sexual attraction’, is sex, instead of equal communication and self-support. And the starting-point determines the outcome focus – which then will be sex – which is actually a snail biting in it’s tail, as it does not come out of this pre-programming.

Within a starting-point of love as sex / sexual attraction, I did and do no come into expansion and self-creation and mutual support. With sex in it practised, yes of course, but as a tool, based in self-honesty and within and as self-expression. This (self-honesty) is important, to not abuse the ‘tool’ into a hidden agenda of fulfilling one’s secret desires (of having sex anyway in this case).

And WOW, this attraction may come up strong and feeling like ‘this is the place to be, I must take this chance, although I am not really ready’ etc etc, translated into thoughts like that within and as my mind. Especially when this attraction is mutual. It is like being catched in the fire and focus of it and it feels so good and right. So only recently I allow myself to take the time, to not directly ‘dive in’ and bind myself into some commitment by my own words, spoken within this strong experience. Because that is what is binding me: my own thoughts and words spoken from a mind-blowing experience, so actually spoken from a point of manipulation in and as fear – to miss out (on this experience). And here I come to the statement that ‘love = fear’ that I found not easy to see, realize and understand, as being true and real. So not from a point of ‘knowledge-understanding’ but really seeing, realizing and understanding it within and as self.

I am watching a religious serie at the moment and here I start seeing how the experience of Love is actually lived the same within the ‘Love for and of God’. The same conditions, words, experiences are coming forward, only directed towards Jesus and / or God. So interesting to see this confirmed. I only took it out of the religious zone and into the partner zone. So still blinded by Love / God / (in/as) the Mind, only different focus. (Jesus I find a different story as here a human being was walking and living Words but still not seeing the whole picture of who God truly was – this can be investigated here).

If I would be a Christian I could say something like ‘It’s God’s way’ and ‘only God knows why it is like this’. I have dived deep into myself, my past process with regards to relationships and pregnancy and I say ‘I did not live my best self‘. For understandable reason’s, sure and I can then even say that ‘it was best’ in that time of my life but still, I was not living my best self in who I wanted to be, with ‘all of my heart and / as self’ taken into consideration, as I was not yet able to do so. With consequences. So that is what I learned directly: what consequences are and how we do create this for ourselves (and others). And I did in a way ‘do my best’ with all I could see and be in that time. But it was not my best self.

Here, saying ‘it’s God’s way’ I see as keeping up a veil, to not experience the deep regret of what could have been possible within my utmost potential and taking responsibility for myself in it completely. Because it hurts, like ‘Hell’. However it was was ‘Life’s’ way as my own ‘Self’s’ way to learn me to do so, within and as the process of self-forgiveness.

The interesting thing is that also more profession / discipline based, it is not what I would have expected. It is actually ‘new’ yet very much aligned with what I was searching for from the beginning and still footed in the area of natural medicine. Back to basics yet new and expanding and integrating and aligned with my whole process here within Desteni as well. What is real is in it, what is not real stays out.

Here I can find myself more in a ‘Christian’ related view, as in that one ‘first need to unconditionally believe’ and then ‘God’s ways open up’ instead of firstly wanting to have ‘proof’ before one let one’s own fears and limitations go. With regards to what I walk now as a choosen purpose, I saw myself firstly letting go of this ‘relationship-distraction and desires’ and quite short after this, a new area within the natural medicine opened up for me to explore. Well, replace ‘God’ for ‘Life’ as ‘Self’ and replace ‘believe’ by ‘trust’ and it becomes more self-centered and grounded.

All Righty. My name is Ingrid. I am a female of 47 without having walked a full term pregnancy as without having biological children and without currently walking an intimate partnership. I am standing as an example for the single ladies who may perhaps fear my life for themselves, now or in future as how I did – which may not be needed when certain processes can now be walked faster and at a younger age – however showing as well that you / we / I do not need to be ashamed, to stand alone for a time being, short- or long-term and although it may be wanted differently. I am actually right here, right now, exactly where I need to be with all that I have in me / with everything that I have walked, even when it does not ‘feel’ so, to eventually be and become the best version of myself, in and as consideration of life as a whole.

This is what real (self)-love looks like in the first place.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 823 – A new chapter

It has been four months since my last blog in English in my ‘van Ziel naar Leven’ blog. In between was summer time with a lot of garden work and outside living and also opening up another dimension in a new Dutch blog more profession / discipline based. So all together I could not find the time process blogs.

I have been walking the Desteni I Process for eight-nine years with almost weekly a buddy chat. Due to circumstances and availability from the buddies, I have walked with four buddies, each specific in that time with their specific way of support. Can you imagine? Eight-nine years with a weekly support chat from an hour?! It is quite unique and we walk it here within the Desteni group, open for everyone who cares about life and committed to bring in one’s best self.

However, I have come to a new phase where my focus goes more and more towards a profession based sharing, within a Dutch blog online and practising in the physical. It is based on everything that I have learned within the area of Natural Medicine and mostly it’s physical support in this, where the years of the Desteni I Process as mind-being-body integration support is coming through as well. Which brought me to the decision to put my Desteni I Process courses and weekly buddy chats on hold. I was no longer walking the lessons effectively and no longer keeping up with the sponsorship conditions, not because I am not willing to walk through a pattern but because something else is opening up that asks more of my time. And continuing doing both, I found myself ending up with basicly doing none of them effectively. I have looked at this for some time, trying out to push myself more to make sure that it was not resistance based. So it’s a point of self-honesty really to make this decission.

Which I noticed – in the week after my ‘last chat’ for the time being – is quite a step! It is time for me to stand on my own two feet. However I am still walking my Desteni I Process within and as myself and within the group as well. ‘Process’ has become a way of living, a part of me, so it is what I walk and who I am and I am not doing this alone but together with every one who dedicates themselves to this process from birthing ourselves as life from the physical.

I am a bit nervous yet excited which always makes me feel a bit dizzy, uncomfortable within my physical body. The only way is to slowly but surely walking into it, applying, living and putting in the effort of action. Until it becomes ‘natural’ and I can ‘calm down’ in it. Until a new area becomes comfortable and another area can / may open up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand alone, to fear to ‘not make it’ and to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I am not allowed to do this’, to kind of ‘step out’, step up and make time and prepare myself for a new chapter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will collapse without a weekly buddy support, simply because I am not allowed to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ‘drift away’ from the group and the contacts and the support when I do not have a weekly buddy support chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ‘outcasted’ now that I do no longer walk the SRA course with weekly buddy chats.

When and as the fear and nervousness comes up, I stop, I breathe and hold myself for a moment. I define how I emotional feel and speak it out loudly (for and as myself) where I then look for something that I am grateful for within this moment and what opens up, I define it and speak it out loudly (for and as myself) as a self-support.

I realize that I can ask for a buddy chat at any time as how we agreed on and I realize that I am here and walking alone yet together with my ‘family’ I mean the ‘Desteni family’ within other area’s that we connect.

I commit myself to keep walking with my ‘family’ as how it is before or in how it opens up, to write a regular process blog (testing out what time-frame works – see here for my next blog following up on this one), to set up a monthly Zoom meeting within the group, to enter Destonian chats when possible and within it all, to walk an ongoing process within and as myself and into a more profession based set up as a support way for others as well within my environment and reach, within and as a self-expression of what I stand for and see as valuable within the core of who we are and can be in and as our physical body, each with having to walk with and through our individual limitations yet with and into our unique potential, despite – or better said incluiding the limitations.

Check out the paths for suitable Buddy support.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 822 – The core of my sadness

I was reflecting back – again – on the period of fertility (open link for related blogs) and not having decided to carry through a pregnancy. From where I finally come to the core of all the sadness within myself. The sadness that I projected on this ‘fertility’ process. On the ‘regret’ of how I have walked this period in my life, towards and after having an abortion at my 27th (for those who did not read any blog from me yet, I am 47 now).

What I did see within this as the core of the sadness within myself, is that I did not want it in the way that I was able to in that moment – which is also what I actually decided with and as, towards an abortion. But I did not fully stand within my decision because there were dimensions that I did not really consider at that time. And so I actually started to ‘step back’ of myself, to ‘let myself down’ in a way within my own decision. This due to all the emotional turmoil that did come up within me as a reaction; due to a fear of ‘missing out’ on the opportunity of a pregnancy; due to having my desires not fulfilled; due to not having finished what I started (getting pregnant) but what I actually should not have started at all within that period in my life.

So here I came to the point of admitting to myself of that what I really did and do not like and that did play a role in my actions with regards to the pregnancy: the way how many systems exist within myself and / as within this world (as for example the child-parent relationship within myself and the school system without myself) and how relationships functions in a way that I do not want to participate in. And how this is actually the reason for the deep sadness within me.

This all in the background and not yet having the tools to direct myself within it all, did bring up an experience of depression within me and I feared a postnatal depression as well – which I see as quite possible in that time, due to the situation that I choose to create. I projected the search for my potential of ‘birthing myself as life in the physical’ on ‘giving birth to a child’.

So actually, I did follow up on this ‘path’ of searching for myself in it all by deciding for an abortion, as the only option in that time ‘to stay true to myself’ (as I was not yet having the courage to decide to become a mom anyway, within my utmost potential). This ‘path’ or ‘search’ went on with a lot of distraction, mostly emotional distraction related to this area of relationships, love, sex and fertility. Where eventually I did come to a place where I finally saw things coming together, where I do see the ability to find myself and the confirmation of this possibility as ‘me’, as something that I always ‘felt’ and saw deep within me. Probably we all see and feel this within ourselves in some way – which is our true potential.

So this is my true potential, this ‘looking through’ things and directly see or sense the realness (and so the bullshit as well). But as with all human beings within and as the mind, is the veil set up very delicate so that we tend to get lost in distractions in some area, which in my case was the ‘veil of love‘ and everything related to this. Which made me ‘see’ in a way what is real – or actually to see what is not real – but at the same time I choose to let myself distract in it as well, believing that ‘it should be possible in my way’. Where ‘my way’ did contain a way where I could still place my desires above my self-honesty.

This does not mean that ‘I am not allowed to have any desire’ as within a desire, a true potential may be hidden. However my self-honesty comes first, so that I can lead and direct myself within a desire and find my true potential as that part of me that is still channeled within that desire, in and as the mind. So that I have the strength (as in ‘I can trust my self-honesty’ see previous blog) and patience to stand and keep standing within the point of self-honesty, even and when and as this means that ‘I stand alone’.

I need to be my own reference that I can trust in eternity. And so I did come to live in and as my own worst nightmare, meaning that I needed to let go of that desired outcome, in my case up to the point of accepting that it will not happen in this life-time and guess what – within my own worst nightmare, within this deep dark forest in and as myself – I find myself, my self-honesty, this eternal depth of who I am and who I can stand with into eternity. In and as the principles of life.

So this ‘endless’ sadness that exists within me, I found related to the illusions within how the world (= the human mind) is set up. Where we all have channeled our true potential within our desires, living them out at the cost of life. Imagine if we all do that. If I look directly at what it created as consequences within my own life and how many years I have followed the distractions and how this accumulated; then imagine if we all do that and how this accumulates at large scale, up to the point where we totally loose sight of our self-honesty and how to bring this back to where it belongs: we need to put our self-honesty first and using ‘desires’ to live our utmost potential. Where it actually are not really desires anymore and where it can become a living expression of our uniqueness within.

Even if I do live my self-honesty in many area’s in my life (which I did) but still not in one area (as I did) – I am still fucked and my life is still fucked up and sucked within this one (major) illusion. Where I project all my sadness on this illusion. However the real sadness is valid, because of how I exist within how this world exists. So the only solution is to stop loosing myself in distractions of any kind and start directing myself within and as my core and strength, within and as the power of ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

And this part of me, is never lost and I cannot loose it. The emotional sadness I will be able to stop, when and as I connect with this part, with this strength within and as myself and from here with others within this same point. And then together we look for solutions based on this point of self-honesty, as what is best for all life. Welcome to Desteni.

Because it is Desteni as the group that I recognized as where everything comes together. Without this group, I would not have been able to be who I am now and where I am now. My self-honesty would then probably still have been an undefined potential within me. Yes, I need to walk through desires and challenge myself to walk into this deep dark wood within and as myself. But this group will not ask me to give up my integrity, it simply is not possible, because it is build on integrity, it is set up and exists as Life Integrity Itself, in and as The Principles of Life. So we only encourage ourselves and each other at the same time, to find and live this integrity, as what is best for life as a whole – which obviously, includes the life within and as myself. Where Bernard mentioned sometimes: eventually Desteni becomes your relationship. But I am still figuring out those words.

Looking at it this way, I was quite effective in achieving my goals lol. The misalignment was my starting-point and so that what I initiated, did not keep standing because I could not keep standing or standing up in it. Or simply said: I was not ready to live in a self-honest way that what I initiated (becoming pregnant and a mother) and so the fear took over. In certain time after the abortion, I was not even ready to take care of a cat (I tried for a week) as it overwhelmed me too much; I needed all the attention focused inward myself to sit with myself and my emotions. I was self-honest enough to not be able to build a life on a starting-point of self-dishonesty. But I was not self-honest enough to accept my own self-honesty, to recognize and stand within my own strength: I can trust my self-honesty. And so, whatever I decided back in that days felt like a loss.

And so, back to current time, I am exactly where I need to be as what I created, accepted and allowed, within the strength of guiding myself through the consequences, into and as my true potential. Piecing myself back together, finding the core of my sadness and finding the strength within me to start trusting my self-honesty in every small moment as a ‘strong woman’ and finding the courage to finally finally, start making ‘mistakes’ as a learning-process into the new.

This is me. If I can do it, so can you. Alone yet together.

natuur gras buitenshuis vleugel fabriek veld- weide prairie bloem bloemblad dier schattig de lente groen insect macro natuurlijk park vlinder geel tuin- flora fauna ongewerveld wildflower detailopname grasland nectar Pieridae macrofotografie bestuiver motten en vlinders lycaenid Colias

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 821 – Redefining the word ‘strong’

At the moment I am writing and preparing in different places, also in Dutch and so my ‘process blog-writing’ here goes slow. This does not mean that I ‘stopped’ the process-writing or process in general or that I am struggling with something; it merely means that I want to do many things – practical and on the internet besides work as well – and that I am dividing my time between it all. Also,when I do not write a blog, I still walk my process every day as ‘process’ for me has become a part of my daily life.

This having said, I would like to write a bit about the word ‘strong’ or strength!

Bernard, as well as the dimensions through the portal, mentioned that ‘I am a strong woman’ (‘you need to accept this’ said B). I did see the ‘truth’ in this, I ‘feel’ and notice this inside myself, however at the same time I could not find a suitable definition for it and this then made me being hold up with the ‘old’ definition of ‘strong’ as if I am or should be strong, like ‘not being weak’ and ‘having a ‘strong body’ or ‘standing strong within a point’ and things like that and at the same time, not wanting to make an ‘ego-point’ out of it.

I do have a little issue with muscle strength. I see this related to how my mind is set up within my physical body – I have written a blog about this – and so I see my muscle strength as a bit less than average – besides this I see it also related to my posture. (note I do function well and am able to put in a lot physical effort, however within training etc I see how I take on less weight than could be ‘expected’ with my age and condition). Recently, I did see it coming up as an emotional point, where with a specific muscle-testing, one asked me ‘to hold as strong as possible’ and this was not really a lot lol, meaning that the one testing could easily pull through my hold. I then suppressed the emotion – I did not want to show I was touched by it and I also did not see it as ‘so important’, with the result that I did become ‘untestable’ lol and I firstly needed to express the emotion. I also saw myself lately – last few months – giving a lot of effort to strengthen my muscles in the gym. I did feel some result, however little and slow. I see more dimensions related to this, however I do keep it to the definition of the word strong for this blog.

Last friday we had a chat on destonians.com with Garbriëlle looking into redefining some words. Here she came forward with a definition of ‘Strong’ meaning: ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

I found this such striking redefinition that really resonates with me and then looking back, I can relate it to what Bernard probably did see 7 years ago with saying ‘you are a strong woman’- meaning ‘you can trust your self-honesty‘ – especially because he also mentioned that ‘I see what is real’ as my strength. (Many times, only years later his words do fall into place; actually when I am ready to understand and integrate it within myself).

This gives me a definition to move on with: Strong as ‘I can trust my self-honesty’. As this is also something that I was looking at lately, how I ‘know’ in a way when I do see something REAL although I may not yet being able to express myself according to what I see or although some reactions may come up. So that is then the next step: how to express myself according to my self-honesty, to what I see, within my strength as trusting my self-honesty.

It is also a definition that works in any given moment. No matter how ‘weak’ I physically may feel in a moment, no matter what my condition is (which is fine overall, I just point out all possible situations) – I can trust my self-honesty and so ‘be strong’. I like that, it is awesome. I can stand with it in any time and given situation and at the same time I can not make an ego-point of it because I will notice this not being self-honest and so I cannot trust it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my muscle strength defines my inner strength, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘strong’ means that I can trust my self-honesty and that this then may reflect in my physical appearance as in my stand and muscle-tone, aligned with the individual potential of my physical condition and constitution as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move in polarity from strong to weak to strong to weak etc, instead of standing strong within the core of my being in every moment and any given situation, within the ability of trusting my self-honesty and within the ability of expressing myself accordingly.

Remembering a song shared on facebook last week (by Ida via Leila): Soft to be strong – a lot going on around the word Strong!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be strong within and as my physical body without trusting myself, in and as my self-honesty, in every moment and given situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question and doubt myself in my self-honesty and / or to not live up to my self-honesty through distractions within desire and fear, through emotional turmoil and so weakening myself instead of making myself stronger within trusting my self-honesty and (practise) expressing myself accordingly in and as the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I feel ‘weak’ in some way, to stop, breathe and see within myself where I am not trusting my self-honesty, to embrace and forgive myself within the related fear as self-dishonesty that I see, within and as softness yet firmness and from here, practise to express myself, aligned with my self-honesty in that moment and given situation – may it be sounding a self-forgiveness, may it be words into the world, may it be silence for that moment.

To be continued and walked in the physical. Thanks!


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 820 – Rushing while eating: self-forgiveness towards self-care

For a long time I notice that I am very much rushed before and when / while I am eating. As if I need to catch a train, as if someone is going to take my food away – that kind of rushing. When I am at work in a store, it is a direct related experience towards the fact that in any moment I can be disturbed when someone is coming in or when more are coming, right before or during lunch. However then when I look at this moments and using it in my DIP Pro lessons to forgive and change myself within, I notice that it is not only then. I am overall having the tendency to rush while eating.

So I slowed down during lunch and looked some deeper inside myself while eating. I did make a start with it, let’s see where it may lead:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush before and during lunch / eating, to become very hasty, to not really take time to chew and enjoy my food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel alone’ during eating and to not want to feel this experience and so, I rush through my food as a distraction from emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable during eating, as if ‘too vulnerable’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to take in as much as I can and as fast as I can, to ‘get it over with’ without exactly knowing where this is coming from and without questioning my behaviour into deeper dimensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad during eating and so I rush through my food, to not experience the sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to open up about this subject and so I now give myself permission to open it up, inside myself and for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a repercusion if I open up this hasty experience inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want anyone to see me in this experience and so I rush and behave supervicious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself in this experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about loneliness while one is eating alone and so I picture myself as lonely when eating alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be with myself, my body and the food I take in while and during eating a meal but instead, hide in separation in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually want to support myself in this separation within and as my mind, out of an experience of ‘being abandoned’ – so abandoning my beingness – and from here, not willing to really embrace myself and be with myself and my body alone – as in Al(l)-One – where another self-honest step with regards to relationships was needed (which is a subject for another blog) to step forward within myself, out of my mind, into my awareness and so bringing myself, my beingness Here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really taste and feel the structure of the food in my mouth but rush through the food in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself a sufficient food intake in the past when I actually loved to eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for years and years, eat the minimum to stay alive and function within the system and so actually slowly diminish myself as the life within me.

There is one memory from where I was much younger, under 10 years, where I asked my mother for a plate with cooked oatmeal and while eating, I did not like it that much and it was way too many, however I was scared to say so because I asked specifically for this plate, up to the point where I was trying to eat with tears in my eyes and my mom asked me what is going on. I told so, nothing unpleasant happened after telling, nor did I need to finish it, however I felt so miserable and sad in the moments before, with this big full plate in front of me and not knowing how to get it in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad and lonely with this full plate in front of me and not having appetite to finish it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say that I cannot finish it because I firstly asked for the plate myself.

Perhaps I asked for it because my father was always eating it as a breakfast and we ate with my mother and brother that saturday evening (I guess my father was at sports as he did on saturdays), I see us sitting, me on the ground at a low table, where on saturdays we ate ‘simple’ like bread and soup and in the frontroom, not at the dining table.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to probably asked for the food because my father always eats it at breakfast and however I did like the taste of a spoon, it appeared that I did not like a full plate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not having provided that a full plate is way too much to eat and that my motivation to eat it may be of a different kind, to somehow be closer to my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the missing of my father within me and trying to ‘solve’ this with eating the food he eats for breakfast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, for my clumsy and helpless solutions with regards to emotions within me and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time when I eat, experience a loneliness within me, as if I am reliving a memory over and over again, denying emotions within me, up to the point of denying myself a sufficient amount of food in the past and now up to the point of rushing myself through my meals that I am actually grateful for to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to live and express my gratefulness, my gratefulness towards the life that I live – in a world that is upside down but located in a position that not many do have in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, to ‘be unable’ to live and express the care that I deeply feel within myself, the care for life and my awareness of the state of the world and us all in it and from here,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for and when not being recognized for the deep care I carry within me, although I may express myself roughly or unclear or only halfway or not at all – the care is here, I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe – as is visible in my own words – that I ‘be unable’ to live and express myself which is actually not true, I may feel / experience myself as unable but certainly not be unable to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when someone walks away, that ‘I don’t care‘ but I do care! I care and if and when someone walks away it does not mean that I don’t care.

I commit myself to embrace myself and to recognize myself for the care that I carry within me, although I may not yet express myself in alignment in all aspects in and as life, however I do know what I stand for and who I am within and so I commit myself to practise and expand in my self-expression in small moments in alignment with the care existing within and as me, to birth myself into life in and as the physical.

When and as I see / experience myself rushing through my food, I stop and breathe for a moment. I realize that there is no need to rush and if there is a physical need to rush, to see what I can practically do to eat slower and when there is no physical hurry-situation going on, I realize that there should be an experience within myself that I separate myself from or even just from a habit developed over time and so from here, I commit myself to slow down, to look inside myself and define and embrace myself in an experience that I exist within, to apply a self-forgiveness on it, to breathe out, let go and start or continue eating.

I commit myself to see what supportive living word is coming up within me after the application of self-forgiveness that I can embody during eating, in and as (cr)eating-process.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 819 – Self-forgiveness on ‘being Dutch’

When I was at the Desteni farm eight years ago, Bernard mentioned shortly that I should look at ‘being Dutch’. I recognized something within this but I have not yet actively opened it up with a writing of self-forgiveness on it.

There are things that ‘I like’ about ‘being Dutch’ and things that I ‘don’t like’. I also noticed that I have had a tendency to feel attracted to guys from another country for quite a long period.

A few self-forgiveness to open up this topic for myself from where I can walk it further in my daily life – after opening up within a blog, mostly more opens up within myself to move on with:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel attracted’ to guys from another country above ‘Dutch’ guys, in a way to avoid a daily grind coming in that I define as a ‘Dutch’ grind with working from nine till five and weekends free, same routine every week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like other cultures and to like the influence of just another cultural input to ‘break the daily grind’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I then put away my responsibility of bringing in myself as a self-expression, where there may be still a routine but not experienced as ‘daily grind’; so more aligned and unique in every moment, every day, not so much to ‘be different’ but more here as self-expression as a new moment each moment, as how animals express themselves every day when I come home, which I do enjoy deeply and so it is not what is bothering me that things are kind of ‘the same’ every day but more that the systematization is taking over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind taking over my self-expression within a routine and then start reacting to this systematization within myself, projected and / or seeing reflected in another, where I then want to get away from as I experience it as ‘too much systematization’ that is suppressing the life within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that with a foureign guy, the systematization will not take over without seeing, realizing and understanding that different systematizations are taking place, including difficulties in communication with regards to language and culture differences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being Dutch’ as ‘being civil’ and so I do not want to be Dutch or projected, thinking that I do not want to be with a Dutch guy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself, my opportunities with a connected definition to ‘being Dutch’, without really taking responsibility for my own ‘laying back’ in directing myself effectively every day, within the system but not of the system, with a mind consciousness system existing within me but not being enslaved to it through my own likes and dislikes, fears and comfortzones as a reaction towards systems within and without.

I commit myself to push myself to from moment to moment, to stand up, step forwards and investigate a like or dislike coming up in relation to ‘being Dutch’ or ‘being with a Dutch guy’, to forgive myself for connections being made in word definitions related to ‘being Dutch’, to enable myself to live myself in the moment without labeling myself or another through culture and language and instead, to see beyond and into the potential in every moment, in and as our beingness, in and as life.

I commit myself to, when and as I see an experience of a daily grind coming up, to stop, breathe and look inside myself in what state of mind I find myself in that moment, to on the in-breath, embrace and forgive myself within the specific experience, to ask myself for a word to live, as a support to move myself out of this state, on the out-breath so to speak – holding my cats as an example of whom I never get bored of their expression when I am coming home, day after day.

I commit myself to focus on sound and sounding self-forgiveness, to further investigate the difference between the sound and energy of words, to forgive the connected energy related to words that I do see coming up and to practice sounding self-forgiveness, to eventually find the sound within and as me, expressing myself equal and one, in and as life.


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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 818 – What is underneath?

I was rereading my previous blog about patience – and I see I am slowly moving into a deeper level. I do not have a weekly blog writing at the moment; this due to time and many practical things that needed and still need to be done; however what I also and mainly see is that I am very much searching what to write about, where I am within me and how to define this, how to bring this into words. Some things I would like to firstly walk before I share it, to not compromise my own process by sharing too fast, before I am ready and clear within myself. Some things I can share along the way but it takes some time as I am walking it in physical reality and it only goes as fast as I go and walk through or open things up within myself.

What I do come into is seeing how under the impatience that I wrote about in the previous blog, there is a point that I actually have not allowed myself to admit, as that I am the cause, let’s say my starting-point – so who I am within the starting-point, is what I need to reconsider, forgive and change. So who I am within this, is causing me to create painful experiences and from here, creating a sadness as an energetic source for my mind consciousness system to generate energy from and keep cycling in it as an endless energy source, until I have totally worn myself out.

Here I need to admit that my approach was a default approach for almost all my life, so I actually wasted a lot of time and energy – physical energy, sourced from my physical body, into my mind, to use as entertainment or distraction in a way – that I could have used much more effectively to build something constructive. However that is easy to speak when looking back, as this is actually how the whole world is build on default, to generate energy and exhaust, worn out the physical resources, living from a mind’s perspective – where the mind turns everything around.

We get it reflected as results in our physical reality, we see it – I see it as the results are not what I would like it to be or what I see as my utmost potential, yet still I am recreating it – until I admit, that I myself am at fault, I have ‘build in’ my failure so to speak from the start, in and as my starting-point. Trying and trying and believing that it ‘has to be possible also on ‘my way’, where I am actually refusing or hesitating to give up on some idea or desire that I hide behind. Because when I give up this idea or desire, I open up a new area that I have never been or walked in before, so it is quite new and undefined and so it may feel uncomfortable because it is new, unknown and so it can not feel comfortable in and as my mind, because I have never walked it.

Besides that it feels uncomfortable, I expect some emotional painful experiences behind it as the reason why I closed off this area within and as myself however, to not ‘hold on’ to this expectation as if ‘it must be there’ and to keep ‘searching’ for it, but to simply allow myself to be here and ready for myself when something may open up, to allow myself to open up what is underneath.

As what I have seen before is what has caused some emotional pain, is also again coming from a (often copied) default system and from here, thinking and believing that ‘I did it all so wrong’ where there is often / mostly a point of innocence within it as well, of simply ‘not knowing’ or ‘never having learned how to do it’. But, this first step of admitting to myself that I am hiding behind some default patterns, that is a created ego-point that is up to me myself, to open up and move beyond. The door is open as they say; I need to decide if I walk into the depth of myself.

I believe that this is the hardest nut that we all need to crack and open up, this admitting to oneself that one was at default all the while – not by theory, as the theory is quite easy to grasp, but really seeing it within self, where and how holding on to the ego-point is keeping the door closed.

Still quite general – in time to come I will see if I can describe it more defined and example related.

Here the need comes up from inside myself to really forgive myself although I do yet even know where or how exactly – here I start with what I have written and often I then end up more specific:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself closed off from myself, to keep believing that ‘my way’ should be possible as well, although the results keep showing me a lesser outcome than the potential that I see existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a default programming that I copied, activated and lived for many many years, out of a desire that I have accepted and allowed as my goal, as something to reach, as something that I ‘should be able to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to revenge as in not admitting that my way is the default way and that I need to reconsider and adapt my approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to open up a deeper layer within myself, out of revenge that I never ever want another to see this depth within me again, not seeing, realizing and understanding how I compromise myself as well and that I then also not will see this depth within me – the depth as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself off from the depth as me as a point of revenge of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame all and everything that this depth within and as me is hidden and locked in, when all the while, I made a decision to close off and lock in myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to ‘find’, that I am not enough, that me simply here is not enough and that ‘there is more’ that I can reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the ‘more as me’ as depth within and as myself as life and instead and because of this ‘missing out of me’, keep reaching out, searching for, forcing myself and what more, outside myself, in and as my mind, thinking and believing that ‘this is it’ because ‘it feels so good’ so this must be it, otherwise it would not feel so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of missing of something that feels so good, start believing that I need to have that too when all the while, this ‘feeling good‘ is not what it is about but more I did not have an example of how to connect and express myself, in and as the depth that is me, all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings, as something to reach, when all the while, I created this feelings as a way out of the misery of emotional suppression within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘self-hate’ in not being effective and then start living this out indirectly – so within creating dis-comforts within my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body to live out my suppressed emotions and then starting to use my physical discomfort as an excuse to not move myself beyond this self-created veil as a physical manifested barrier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am ‘too much’ when being me, when sharing freely and then looking in the mirror, as if I look not good enough to freely express myself, as if I ‘need to look good’ to allow myself to express myself from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let looks overrule my being within and as myself and use this as an excuse to not open up and share myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘look better’ than another to ‘feel better’ than another, not seeing, realizing and understanding how it here starts working against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘do it better than my parents’ in certain area’s and here, separating myself from the copied systems within myself as ‘what I judged’ and so actually weakening and imprisoning myself within what I have separated myself from at first, from what I have judged without and so suppressed within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own excuses as if I need to look good to share myself unconditionally where this ‘looking good’ I then have copied in my teenage years as ‘how I want to look’, as a way out to ‘do it better’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that the starting-point here is actually revenge and so it will backfire towards me, sooner or later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself, the life within me, to a mind’s idea of how I should look, created when the sex-system has been activated and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly submit myself as to how and what I think that a male would like from me, which I believe is having sex – when actually it is what I want and project on the male, not knowing how else to connect with a male and on which level, because I have closed off from my self in that depth within me and so actually using sex as a default-way to connect with the depth of / within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically submit myself to how I think what a man would like, when actually I submit myself to the sex-system within a man activated that is even stronger in many cases than in women / females, however when and as I submit myself to my own believes and weakness within this – out of a starting-point of revenge of wanting to do / be better – I at the same time submit to and even strengthen the system within a male as well, with all the disastrous consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the male when all the while, I activate, underline, confirm and even strengthen the sex-system within a male by chasing after an idea, created within my own activated sex-system as a ‘way out’ of the misery / suppression within.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my own ideas, desires, activations within and as myself and the point of revenge / separation / judgement within this, created in and as the activated sex-system at teenage years – to be walked through in real time, step by step, breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness, as the only and ultimate correction in and through real time and to check, forgive and correct myself with the reference of the results that I see as reflections arising in my daily life.

—————————————————————————————

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Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 817 – Patience

I see within myself in certain area’s that I have patience naturally and in certain area’s, I do not have it, at all. Here when I look at the word ‘patience’, it is like a ‘patient‘ to me, as a word for someone who is ill in some way and then being placed under diagnoses of the medical circuit. Where in I do not like or use the word ‘patient’ eather, as in this, one is easily defined as one’s ‘illness’; where I see the ‘illness’ more as a dis-ease within the mind-being-body as a whole and so it doesnot define someone as a whole, it is a part of oneself, a disbalance created or carried within one’s genetics and then activated and lived out and so, one is responsible for it, however not defined by it.

So here one could say, that I did develop a healthy way of being patience, which is also due to my medical education that I started around my twenties in the area of natural medicine – so here I have trained and developed myself effectively.

In other area’s – mostly within communication and interaction within relationships – I can in moments easily become impatient. Here defined as the dictionary definition of ‘feeling passive or suffering’.

Let’s open up my default connection with the word patience, realizing that I do have a reference point of patience within myself and so I am able to define this word effectively in every area and from here, I need to practice and train myself to really live it, just as how I have developed ‘patience’ as a an expression with regards to considering our physical mind-being-body health in general. I just need to bring this in extension within the more intimate relationship with myself and/as another, more close to home so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like passive and suffering when and as I need to wait for an answer for a while, even if it is totally normal that the answer is coming later as the physical movement needs time, it can only go as fast as it goes and the physical pace is the norm that I require to follow, simply because I am a physical being and I live in a physical world, connected to all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with the physical pace, connected to myself as a physical being, this physical world and all and everything within it and instead, go into my mind and create a more faster pace that I then expect how things should go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually, place myself on an island within and as my mind, creating a pace for myself alone where in I move with the pace of my preferences and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the pace of my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the pace of this physical existence as a whole and all and everything within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have patience with my self and my own physical pace and from here and out of uncomfortability, trying to ‘catch up’ with my own and/as another’s mind-pace and within this, forcing myself as another into a direction in/as the mind, instead of slowing down, forgiving what is coming up in my mind as desires, thoughts, expectations and what more and aligning to myself physically here, which probably will be supportive for another as well, because we simply all have difficulties to slow down and align with ourselves in our physical bodies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself on an island in/as my mind, to not let another in, to not let another support me especially within an intimate relationship because I am not comfortable with myself and my own physical pace when being around with others, as here I become nervous, restricted, focused outside and loosing touch with myself inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to probably from a childhood pattern of revenge, keeping another at distance and not allowing another – especially in an intimate relationship – the practical action of supporting me in area’s where I may need it or could use it, even if it is simply asking for time, space, being here with me, where in I then start using this as an excuse that ‘no one is supporting me (especially within an intimate relationship), not seeing, realizing and understanding that I simply give no room and space to be supported and stand by as I manifest myself as if ‘I can do it all by myself’ and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame every partner for not supporting me when all the while, it is me on my island, high and dry so to speak, using ‘not being supported’ as an excuse to not step into and beyond the comfort of what I know, into the unknown, with trial and error, saying ‘I also do not know it exactly but we have to find out along the way and I would like you to slow down with me and see what is here’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as ‘if I know what I want’ but all the while, staying at the surface and feeling constricted underneath, as an iron system manifested in and as my physical body, around my organs.

I commit myself to be and become patient with myself in walking step by step, deconstructing this iron or metallic system manifested around my organs, forgiving myself for my own created desires, expectations, idea’s, to let myself in so to speak and from here, to practice communication about where I am, what I would like or require to be / become more comfortable, gentle, soft, aligned with myself and within my physical body, to use what is here and who is here in my physical reality, as a self-supportive interaction for both / all involved and from here I will be patient and supportive with others as well in their physical pace and where they are and I commit myself to share and have fun, to use humor, to laugh along the way as one of the best ways to release inner restrictions and tension and become connected and aligned as well.

I commit myself to expand and embody the word patience in different area’s within myself, to be and become unwavering in every moment; standing here, one and equal with and as myself, in understanding of my mind, being and body connection in and as this physical realm as a whole, not judging my mistakes, not judging my pace and location but sharing, forgiving and laughing about it, realizing the effort it takes, realizing that certain things need to be walked through and from here, aligning and connecting with myself and one another in a way that supports myself, another and life as a whole.

I commit myself to allow myself to be vulnerable, when and as a moment is here and to allow myself be supported and allow another to support me, to be humble yet aware, in ways or area’s that I am not yet comfortable but on my way to open up for myself, within myself and I commit myself to support myself through and within the uncomfortable moments, to take a breath and see what is here within me to express.

Patience

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive