Last week I could start seeing how I have missed the whole point of self-responsibility applied within relationships, which started within the first relationship, with the mother. I knew this almost my whole life, I knew I missed an important thing, but I didnot see how and where. Within the missing of this one point in this one relationship, I created all my relationships within this one point, especially the so called love-relationships. And following up on this it affected – and still does – my whole life, where it functions as a sabotage-point on every area.
I could start seeing within the whole line of creations within this during my life. I could see just over the edge, but I did not dare to see full into it. It was and is overwhelming and I experience(d) a lot of regret. Walking from relationship to relationship, leaving behind situations that had really potential, looking for, looking for, looking for more? It seemed looking for more, but actually it was looking for myself. Thinking/believing that within the situation that I was, I could not find it, so I had to move on. And within this creating emotions as sadness and feelings as hope.
But also regret about the relationship with the mother, which I based on this one point, and within this missed everything else, including her. I missed her completely, and this is how I experience it. I missed here lol her as myself, and so i was not here. Within this seperation within myself I created so much likes and dislikes, which reflects back on me in the relationships I choose and walked.
This whole situation accumulated and build up in layers within my physical body. This whole week my body was tight up, I barely could turn my head. This combined with a physical treatment with the osteopath 2 weeks ago, who supported me to come lower within my body, to the pelvic flore, where he said: okay, there is a bucket, you are standing next to it, you can just look right into it, and this sadness within the bucket is stored on your bladder. And I said, yes, I notice this, I will work with this at home. And so I do. He also said, it is hard working for you isn’t it? Do what is neccesary, it is like a delivery.
I understand now the endless sadness that I always felt, which I used as energy generation, where the crying was some kind of reward in this bucket of not taking self-responsibility, which gave me a sense of ‘moving’ as a replacement of breathing. It is an endless line of not taking self-responsibility and always putting away the last point of taking things back to self. Which actually is the one point that is not applied in religions, where the last One point of self-responsibility is layed aside, to ‘God’, to The Mind as The One, instead of taking everything back to self and become One as Life within as/Self Responsibility. In this way, we/I will always miss the one point, which is: mySelf. I as Self as the Solution. So it is the endless sadness of missing….mySelf.
I as Self am the Solution and the Responsibility for the Relationships that exist within me and from this without me. I at the moment exist as relationships in/as the mind. If I as Self take Responsibility within this, I am/become Self Responsible, and from this starting point I change the relationships within me, and around me, and so on in the world.
So the One Point of Responsibility that I missed is Self Responsibility.
I have become a very ‘responsible’ person during my life, which is actually a Personality of Responsibility. Because, if I am not Self Responsible, than what does it mean to be responsible? It means that I am responding to the other, so to the other=the mind. Which is no self-expression but expression in/as reflection, so in/as reaction on the other(=the mind). I was missing the point of communication within the last 2 relationships I was in, which is actually missing communication with and as myself in self responsibility and from this starting point of missing, I started a relationship.
I have to start in this one relationship. Which is the relationship with myself; where my reactions on some one else shows the seperations inside myself. Within the experience of immens regret, I still experience lots of resistance – probably even? – and I still want to walk away. I have to walk through all the layers within the physical where the thoughts as reactions are build up in/as resistance. If I walk away, I cannot walk through.
Walking this, I started the serie “Expressie en de Darm” a while ago, written in Dutch. Where (main part of) the control is physically manifested within the muscles of the Darm=Large Intenstine, which I am no day free of so far. Just how I created it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up everything without investigating the total influence of this on my life and on m’s life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know the total influence, and to not want to take responsibility for myself in totality and within this, creating consequences for myself and m.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have and create the feeling that I have lost everything and I did it myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hardly can breathe from facing myself within what I allowed and accepted myself to manifest in this one point of relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never knew what regret really means without using justifications to justify it to make it ‘less worse’, until now, and this is what people probably walk and experience in totality, maybe 10x worse or more, when they walk their life-review after dying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so arrogant because of how I grew up with free will and money to buy some free will, where in I did not really see what it means to have a house or not have a house and to be dependent on someone for this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see what m was speaking about with regards to the house that we lived in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the potential of m, but to not come through this one point within myself, where the only best option I saw was leaving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave so soon because I knew that if I would wait longer, I probably won’t do it anymore, and I wanted to move alone 1 more time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to screw up myself within wanting something 1 more time.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to know what it is to stand alone, and for this, believing so many times that I needed to move to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like everythings stops at the moment, with me here, facing a reality that I am not sure I want to be in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the reality I live in now to the reality I lived in last year, and this comparing makes me blind for the possibilities within the reality I live in now, because I only experience lost of what I had.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a throat that feels blown up from experiencing regret within facing ‘what have I done’, without ability to speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a not knowing if I will ever come out of this, because I am not able to change the situation anymore, so the only option is chaning me, and that is that I have never done before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to bring myself within a situation that really no other option is possible before I start changing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a situation that I wished, which is stopping everything so that I can start over without any distraction, and now that I am facing myself within this, scare the hell out of me and experiencing regret and doubts within questioning if this was really neccessary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a lover behind in my mind as a safe place to hide in, instead of walking one on one and really release the sadness and sorrow from the body, so that I will be able to really live love as equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare the hell out of myself with who I have become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in myself without even noticing, ‘well this is your own good, you did it yourself’, and within this blaming myself for what I have done and who I have become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I have done and who I have become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of indifference out of thinking that it doesn’t make sense anymore because I missed this one opportunity.
When and as I see myself going down in facing myself in reality, within experiences of regret, I stop, I breathe. I allow myself to cry to release the pain and emotions, and I write out what I need within this releasing.
I realise that i have to face myself and walk the consequenses, and I realize that I had to walk consequenses anyway, no matter what way I would have chosen; that is why it was such a difficult decision to make.
I commit myself to face myself completely, and to forgive myself for what I have created and manifested from this one point of not taking responsibility as self.
I commit myself to not allow myself to go into blaming anymore and so to not create a new layer of seperation within myself.
I commit myself to walk slowly and carefully within every decision that I have to make, and to investigate in totality what is really best, from a starting point of self-responsibility.
I commit myself to care for myself and others from the starting point of self-responsibility as what is best for all, instead of from the starting point of free choice in/as energy.
When and as I see myself going into a sense of indifference because I missed this one opportunity in the past, I stop, I breathe.
I realise that I can walk in self responsibility this time, and that now that I face myself, I am able to forgive myself and to change myself within the situation that I live in, instead of changing the situation. I realise that by comparing past and present, I am still generating energy in/as the mind by holding on to personal preferences, and keeping myself away from the possibility to change.
I realise that I now make a situation with a male in the past as ‘the one’, and when I was in that situation with that specific male, I did the same with another male in the past and/or with a not known possible male in the future. So basicly I am still laying aside self responsibility to ‘The One’, as I described as is applied in religions, and I do it with the religion of love/relationships.
I commit myself to stop and forgive the personal preferences and to walk with what and who is here in the present as what is supporting me to stand up within and as myself.
When and as I see myself going into the past and making this situation/relationship as ‘the one’, I stop, I breathe. I see in myself what it is that I do not want to take responsibility for within myself .
I realise that I make the situation/relationship in the past as ‘The One’ to shift of my self responsibility, and because this One in the past is the only excuse I have left, I hold on to this in/as the mind.
I realise that if I am not seeing into my fears and/as resistances for taking self responsibility, I am not able to change myself within this.
I commit myself to see into my fears and/as resistances that I experience related to taking self responsibility. I write about it, apply self forgiveness, self corrective statements and self commitment statements, which prepare me for real change in reality in and as myself.
I cannot change the past anymore, I can only forgive myself within the past, and correct and change myself in the present, so that in future I will not make the same mistakes.
Proces van zelfverandering:
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?