(written sunday evening – uploaded on monday)
This week I faced a point of how every breath counts, and how a decision of ‘not being here for a moment’ can harm another life. As in this specific moment I decided to not be here for Roos the quinea pig, who was persistant asking for my attention, and I misinterpreted this, which was because I was not here but instead in the mind in and as an experience of ‘not now for a moment’ (‘nu even niet’). Last months we had build a relationship in trust, and when she came to me walking in the kitchen, I took her, or I walked with her and gave her one more piece of food, things like that. This evening it went on and on and I suddenly decided that ‘it was enough’ for a moment after all the intense care-taking for the animals and their physical condition last weeks; I became irritated by her poo that was laying in the house and was becoming a little more thin, and for the rest, actually for no specific reason. So I took her back several times, and when she did not stay in her place, I put some wood before it. Even then she was making some noise to get my attention, I registrated this but ignored this, seeing this as a way to let her become quiet (which is actually turned around, as I should become quiet in this). She suddenly jumped in the hay, and became quiet. And I became quiet as ‘satisfied’ too. I decided for one time not to check on her, as I ‘did not want to start it all over again’.
Next morning, Roos was lying on her back in the hay, very cold, not able to move. She was barely alive and I took her out and gave her a more comfortable place. And suddenly the whole picture became clear. She wanted to get my attention because she was going to die (she was old and I knew this was coming some day). And I ignored this somehow. Slowly this dripped into my mind, how I was not here for her, how I ignored listening to her for several reasons/reactions inside myself, in and as patterns in the mind. How through this, I missed out seeing if she needed some assistance, to lay down comfortable, and I missed out her expression in that moment. Maybe I would not have understood that she was going to die, but we could have sit together for a moment and I could have seen if she needs assistance. She did exactly what she always did to get my attention, only more prominent and persistant, as this is what we build trust in, what she could trust me on, that I would listen to her, as I did all the time. However in this crucial moment, that she could perhaps not take care of herself anymore and may have needed some assistance, or just only wanted to express herself for the last time to me, I looked away; I looked in and as the mind instead of looking to Roos in and as her physical expression.
It is not acceptable to miss a moment of breathe; one cannot be trusted if one miss moments of breathe. It seems a very small point which can be questioned as ‘my interpretation’, but I notice in myself that this is a crucial point that has different patterns related in it, and it’s a confrontation with and as myself, a face to face with who I am and who I am not in every moment. I cannot yet be trusted as life, and Roos has suffered from this; and I am suffering from this, and so everyone is suffering from this.
Roos would have died anyway the same day, that is not the point. The point is a deliberate decision of not being here for a moment to listen unconditionally to who has placed/is placing trust in me and is asking for my attention.
There are, as I mentioned, patterns in it, and I will walk through this patterns one by one to become responsible for this points within myself so that I can correct myself in this and stand up in this, to become trustworthy, every day a little more.
(Note – afterwards I see that i made a decision ‘to let her for a while’ out of knowledge and information; and within this I was believing I was doing the right thing, and so approached her and the situation in and as knowledge and information, and within this, these patterns were all going to play a part, and I was not able to approach her physically and so missed an important point/moment in and as support, for myself and for Roos. I will walk this also in another blog, it may be in Dutch again).
Roos gave me a very tough lesson in this, just as her mother did when she died. Everytime an animal that I take care of, dies, I face points in myself that need correction, that are very deep down rooted in myself, and that I do not really want to see and so ignore, which leads to the ignorance of life. As shown in this event. These two quinea pigs were really prominent in this. Which could have been different when I am here, in and as breath, in every moment, in and as the physical instead of in and as the mind, constricted in patterns. Which is only possible if I totally face myself as who I am, who I have become. Because if I do not face myself in the darkest night, I will not be able to change myself, which will always lead to harm as ignorance of another life and/as life in general.
I feel like I can mourn about this over and over again, but this will not change anything, not for Roos, not for me, not for anyone and so this will not be of assistance to life. I only compromise my own body in this, as I feel I am already doing. In this event of her death, Roos gave me the opportunity to really see how every breath counts and what the consequenses are of not being here in every moment because of being constricted in the patterns of the mind. And it’s up to me to decide Who I am in this; am I giving in into emotions and regret, or am I standing up and transform it into a gift of life? Am I accepting the gift of life that she is giving me with her life and that I ignored right before she died? Am I really stopping myself in and as self-interest as reactions so that I do not feel the need anymore to stop as control the expression of life?
Thank you Roos for living with me. I really enjoyed it.
Two Dutch blogs about Roos:
For assistance in walking the mind-patterns:
Equal Life Foundation:
Proces van zelfverandering:
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf: