I was having a chat yesterday with my buddy from the DIP Pro lessons. Here came forward a situation where I experienced and participated in a form of competition within myself. And the suggestion here to “when you are in a competitive situation where you want to win at all cost – allow yourself to loose. Try it, it’s liberating!”.
I recognized this and also how I did start allowing myself to ‘loose’ a few days ago and how afterwards, my body could go more into relaxation instead of going more into strain. But some days afterwards I also noticed the strain coming back.
This morning I saw myself participating in thoughts and from here, emotional experiences that were going to become overwhelming. Snoo the cat was around and had already supported me to stabilize within myself some hours before. Here I saw myself going again into overwhelming emotional experiences; she was sitting near to me and I knealed in front of her and looked into her eyes, really into her eyes while I let the experience come. What came up here within me were these words: ‘allow yourself to loose’; I felt the depth and meaning of it and here the emotional ‘pain’ passed by.
I saw how I am constantly participating in a mental competition of winning and loosing and trying to not fall into the loosing experience and I saw how I on a very deep level have defined relationships as the relationship-game where one will ‘win or loose’. Winning or loosing as a battle between the partners/man and woman, but also related to this the ‘fear of loss’ as a fear to ‘loose the relationship/partner’. This is how we in our mind, actually have being programmed and allowed ourselves to be programmed and program ourselves with regards to relationships and especially the intimate relationships, which is related to sex and/or money. As a relationship game. There are several interesting blogs written about here.
So here I find myself busy with ‘fighting’ against an experience of loosing which in itself has nothing to do with the contents of the relationship itself and with the beings that are involved including myself. So the experience of winning and loosing – and this on different dimensions – is what is colouring my whole interpretation.
I see that allowing myself to loose is allowing myself to open up (and eventually let go) a character that I created as the winning team; well as the ‘trying to win-team’ or ‘avoiding the experience of loosing-team’ I would say.
To be continued with self-forgiveness.
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
The Secret to Self-Realisation:
Proces van wereldverandering: