Through my life since a long time, my large intestine has functioned as my ‘guardian’ in a way. What I mean, is that I could not go too much or too long beyond my ‘limits’ as my intestine would then give symptoms of obstipation/spasmen more than normal. I felt uncomfortable in that and merely noticed it like ‘okay I have to stop here and stay with myself again’.
For example, within my last relationship, I tend to compromise myself, coming forward out of an ‘understanding what another goes through’ and me adapting to this and then trying to via this way, eventually bringing in what I stand for in principle so that I did not have to go through an experience of loosing the other. Deep within me this compromising was very subtile noticable but because I was in the middle and involved within the situation, I actually had very quick suppressed it and not even given it an chance to investigate within myself, if I actually and really would move on in this way. There was a vulnerable ‘building of trust’ happening between the two of us but not from a starting-point of openess and self-honest communication from both sides and because of not wanting to ‘break’ this subtile trust, I was accepting and allowing things that I ‘normally’ would not consider to accept/allow and certainly not from myself as behaviour. But from moment to moment and every time a step further, I did accept/allow it from another, longer than I had expected from myself. It wasn’t a ‘bad thing’ persé as within this I did everything that was within my reach to make it work, however there did come a moment that I needed to take a stand.
This moment, became visible for me through the weakening of my bowel-function. What I did notice during that periond and what moved me to open up things, was the change within my large intestine. The functioning of my bowel slowly weakened again, up to this point where it clearly showed a compromised physical functioning. This physical dysfunctioning of my bowel-movement, is the one thing through my life that I could not accept from myself. Merely because there is not a direct physical cause for it as I have widely investigated (and physically supported) myself/my body through all the years. So also here, it was a sign for me to re-assess my decision and look what was actually going on within myself and the relationship I was in.
I have often ‘cursed’ this dysfunctioning from my large intestine as in my experience, I have so often felt limited by the dysfunctioning (spastic colon with obstipation and dyscomfort/dysfunctioning coming forward out of this on a long term). I knew that it was related to my own ‘dysfunctioning’ with regards to being unable to direct myself effectively within thoughts, emotions, feelings and expressing myself from a clear starting-point, however I automatically projected the blame on my physical/intestine, although I self-honestly knew better. But I kept blaming, out of an experience of being unable to really change it by changing myself within.
Though, through all the years, I also have seen how the symptoms from my large intestine were – and still are – ‘protecting’ me, to bring myself back here and look where I compromise myself in my expression. I often think, “oh, why can I not do it ‘by myself’ without creating these physical consequenses again and again within my own body. I should be aware enough by now to stop doing this”. However what I do see more and more clearly, is how this is a stand from a point of superiority, so from a mind-perspective from/within myself, as if I would and should already be able to stand without compromising myself and my physical body. Because, the whole mind-consciousness system is consisting as a compromising implemented and integrated system, within and without – so actually, we have existed and only ‘know how to exist’, in a compromising way towards life/the physical (as how my own physical body is showing me through all these years) – and it is really a process to walk through all dimensions and layers that I created within/as myself, to come to a way of living in consideration of life/the physical/myself as being within.
So it is actually because of my physical body and it’s specific set up of the mind-structures within, that I am here where I am now walking, as I in/as the mind, has wished many times to be able to ‘do it different’ in which I perhaps or probably – I actually do not know – would not so much have supported myself to do what is best for myself as life within/as the physical. I did this and I have learned this because my physical was asking for it.
What I can trust within myself – as what I have proven to myself while walking – is the awareness within this all, as me within who is listening to my physical body and the direction within me to find the necessary ways to support myself and my physical body and to keep on pushing this point for as long as it takes and until it is done. And from here and while walking, being able to stand as point of support for others within the capacity I have.
I can say this now because I slowly make some progress in directing myself and slowly build some self-trust in this physical situation, walking with myself, instead of fighting against myself.
There is a very cool interview where in I recognize as how I do not actually know who I am within a specific situation unless I am/have walked it in reality, as I often think and believe from a mind-perspective that ‘I would do much better/I would be much stronger’ than I actually am in real time/in self-honesty. And by accessing this point in self-honesty, so through and within embracing my own weaknesses and approaching it from a starting-point of self-honesty, I see how I can slowly become more stable and stronger within. Then from here it is interesting to realize and investigate how this then probably also exist as a polarity within myself, so thinking and believing that ‘I would do less better/I would be less stronger’ than I actually am in real time/in self-honesty.
This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.
Proces van zelfverandering:
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
The Secret to Self-Realisation:
Proces van wereldverandering: