This blog is related to record 5: Menstruation cycle
The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to push myself to share this intimate details that were actually part of my secret mind during thet time that it took place that I am describing here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed about what secretely happened within myself in thoughts, feelings and emotions with regards to my fertility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share this, also in the past, but not completely, as I always hold a small part for myself that I could ‘play with’ and fill in for myself without anyone knowing and so, without anyone being able to have influence on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a backdoor open for myself as a place where I can make ‘my own decisions’ with regards to fertility and having a child or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my investigation of my menstruation cycle as a tool to make small shifts within myself and ‘challenge the possibilities of nature so to speak, without being fully aware of my own direction and decisions in this as a guideline of what will happen or not with regards to fertility and having a child or not – in consideration ofcourse of the biological and physical abilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up my influence by not really being aware of how I am directing myself and placing part of my responsibility ‘outside myself’ and at the same time, keeping a ‘secret mind’ as secret area where in I am very well aware of myself manipulating an outcome that only I am fully informed of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have unsafe intercourse where in I ‘wish’ that I can then become pregnant without the need to fully take responsibility for this decision and so, being able to decide to perhaps ‘become pregnant’ in a situation that is not stable and ready.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my female role and female body with the ability to become pregnant, as a way to slightly manipulate a male by informing the male about how I approach the menstraution cycle but not completely about what is going on within me with regards to my menstruation cycle and thoughts about pregnancy and so, use his ‘approval’ about what I did share, as a reason and justification to move on with what I have within my secret mind that I have not completely shared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate with leaving out some information that I have within myself in secret thoughts.
When and as I see myself leaving out some information that is actually vital and of importance, I stop and breathe.
I realize that I am hiding something and so, that I fear ‘loosing’ this something if I share it, meaning, that I loose the possibility to ‘live this’ when and as another may not agree on it. I realize that within this, there as self-interest involved where in I am not open to cross-reference the possibility in a way to see if it is really best for all or that it may need some adaptation. I realize that within this, I ‘fear’ that I am not ‘listened to’ and that ‘what I want/would like’ may not be considered and so, I rather choose to keep it a secret and play it out in a way that it is already manifested in physical reality and so, I can not be crossed anymore. I realize that I think in such moment that ‘this self-interest is best for me’, where in I did not consider, investigate and cross-reference all outcomes and where in I actually did not consider myself as life in all outcomes but only ‘me’ in/as the mind in self-interest, in my limited version of my desires, simply because this is the only thing that I ‘know’ from and as myself.
I commit myself to take the time to investigate, consider and cross-reference all outcomes while walking something that I see as a possibility but where in I tend to keep information for myself and within this, consider myself as life in all outcomes.
I commit myself to forgive myself my wishes and desires that is existing within myself in a situation where in I am keeping information for myself and to take the time to embrace myself in this and let go what I see that is not best for myself and so, not best for everyone who is involved and to move on with that what is giving an outcome where in life is considered, from/as myself and others who are involved in a situation.
Previous blog: 4. Understanding the obsession
Next blog: 6. Decision in a split second
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
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