Dag 721 – 9. Ignoring some signs within myself

This blog is related to record 9: Ignoring some signs within myself

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore some signs within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself space and time to look over all aspects that are involved within the situation of considering an abortion, out of fear that ‘if I don’t do it fast, I don’t do it at all’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ovestigate all aspects within myself and so, decided to ‘do it fast’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I am not allowed to give birth to a child without the father close to me within my life and using this as an excuse to not face and walk through my own experiences of resistance towards another that are actually parts of myself that I resist and fear to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the situation that has developped from a starting-point of self-dishonesty, as an excuse to not be self-honest in the current situation and instead, plan to ‘take out’ the whole situation from the beginning, as some sort of correction and blank slate to start over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘start over’ with a ‘blank slate’ and do this over and over again, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘a blank slate’ means forgiving myself and from here, living the correction and preventing myself from making the same mistake and this can be done in any situation in any moment, where in it can be forgiven and directed from that point on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to what another is saying to me that is ringing a bell but following my own point of fiew, without listening to myself and the ringing bell within and as myself and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to a part of myself that is seeing some uninvestigated points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face the hard part and to want things the easy way without facing and walking through my own experiences of resistance and fear and so switching back and forward, searching for ‘the easy way in’ and when it appears not to be easy, searching for ‘the easy way out’.

When and as I see myself searching for an easy way in, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there is no easy way in, not really at the moment because I have build up my mind in ‘difficulties’ and ‘problems’ so to speak that I will face again within and as myself. I realize that I have build up this system for myself within following a (pre)programming that is build in, to not see the simplicity of what it means to live in and as the physical without hidden agenda’s and thoughts and reactions coming up and so, I will face the thoughts, reactions and hidden agenda’s activated in certain situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to stand and keep standing within principle while facing difficulties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I am tired of facing difficulties’.

I commit myself to face my own difficulties, created in/as myself as my mind-patterns and within this, forgive myself for the build up reactions and thoughts and beyond this, look for the one point within that I did not stand in and as somewhere within my life, where in I started reacting to myself in and as self-judgement and from here, see how and with what words I can express myself in this one point and so stand up and stand by and keep standing, with and as myself, no matter what comes up, until it’s done.

When and as I see myself searching for an easy way out, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have believed the easy way in and so, I did not see the reality of how the mind is build up and then when I see this, I am searching for an easy way out, through projecting my thoughts, believes and reactions on something or someone outside myself.

I commit myself to put a guard for my mouth and to first stop my reactions, to embrace myself firmly within and apply self-forgiveness, until I do understand and see the point that I would like to express and that I stand in and as, as within and as a principle that is best for myself and others involved and I commit myself to gather information that gives me more clarity on a situation so that I from here, can more clearly see what I am reacting in and as and what is actual happening as a point that needs to be directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame within/as myself, if and when I do express something in reaction.

I commit myself to embrace the shame within myself as this indicates that I see a point within myself that I am ready to transent, as it can only be forgiven and transcended when and as a real shame is experienced, meaning when I really face what I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a belief in reaction.

When and as I see within myself a belief in a variation of ‘if I am not doing it fast, I will not do it at all’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I participate in a fear of myself forgiving into my mind and that I participate in a lack of self-trust in being able to direct myself in the best way possible and so, to prevent myself from the experience of being lead by fear, I tend to ‘take action directly’. I realize that I also fear to ‘loose’ that what I want and so, I want to take action directly, to try to prevent to loose my point of self-interest because ‘I already have manifested it’. So, I realize that I do not trust that: ‘what I want’ is equal and one as ‘best for all’ and that ‘what is best for all’ is equal and one as ‘what I want’.

I commit myself to keep on remembering within and as myself that the outcome that is best for me, is best for all and that the outcome that is best for all, is best for me and so, it will be best if and when I do investigate all dimensions before manifesting consequenses in physical reality that cannot be undone and I commit myself to keep on remembering within and as myself that an experience of fear or any experience, is not ‘what is best’ or ‘what is not best’, neither for myself or another, although it may feel so real, however the fear is merely creating a polarity within myself that is confusing and so, I commit myself to investigate all dimensions and gather all information that I am able to within a certain situation, before taking action, so that I can align myself within the best way possible; no matter how small and insignificant an event may seem; it all starts within the very small.

I commit myself to live the word patience as investigating all dimensions and gathering all information that I am able to and that I need, to bring forward the best possible approach within and as myself.

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Previous blog: 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’

Next blog: 10. The fruit isn’t really gone


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