Dag 726 – 13. Trying to make it up

This blog is related to record 13: Trying to make it up

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the ticking of the biological clock become an obsession through trying to make up for a situation that I had made a decision in without considering each aspect involved and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an obsession out of missing aspects of myself in that decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create obsessions out of the aspects that I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in trying to make up for mistakes in the past, coming forwards out of missing parts of myself / separating myself from parts of myself and from here, creating more and more consequenses in and as separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ‘having a child / becoming pregnant’ as an outcome that needs to happen and within this, not giving myself or another space and time to create a healthy and stable foundation to make this an opportunity if and when possible on all area’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘many people are getting pregnant within worse situations and they are also making the best of it’ and using this why I should also be able to do this where within this, I neglect my common sense and integrity that I see within myself as that I do not want to unconsciously pass through my unsolved mind-creations onto the next generation without being able to direct myself and support the child in it and so within this, acting like thorn apart within ‘trying to make it up’ and at the same time, holding back, not fully going for it because of seeing the unsolved parts that I can not stand by and within while getting pregnant and having a baby within a situation as for example deliberately doing it alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thorn myself apart by not standing absolutely with and as myself in what I see that is best to do that may lead to an outcome that is different than I desire in/as my mind, as a situation that I am not even sure of if I really want it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able at that time to take on the desire on itself and translate it for myself into what I really wanted for myself to from there, see how to create it in this life.

When and as I see myself participating in ‘trying to make up’ for something that I am not satisfied with in the past, I stop and breathe.

I realize that this is how the mind within and as myself, so how I within and as this mind-participation, am keeping myself locked in within a time-loop of solving my mistake, instead of preventing to make this mistake again in the future.

I commit myself to unconditionally forgive myself for a mistake and to forgive myself the related experiences as for example guilt and shame and whatever comes up until I notice that I am able to let it go, where in I enable myself to do it different next time as a prevention of creating the same consequences over and over again but instead, make a decision within consideration of all aspects that I possibly see within myself and from here, without myself as well.

When and as I see myself participating in a thought about what I see that others are doing that is compromising in some way but that I in a way, also ‘would like to be able to do’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that this is not what I really want for myself or another and that within this, I compromise my own strength and integrity in and as my self-awareness.

I commit myself to forgive the desire to do something because others are also doing it and to look at and forgive what it specificely is that I desire within this and I commit myself to support myself within my own strength, integrity and self-awareness and to within the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction, bring myself back to myself every time that I compromise my own integrity. I commit myself to look at how to bring that what I desire into a living application in my daily life, through slowly building within the physical possibilities that I have, realizing that in every moment I have myself to embrace, express and understand and from here, I can look for moments to share with others.

I commit myself to focus more on the words that I find within my physical body as a guideline to be and become more satisfied with myself, living in and as my physical body.

trying-to-make-it-up

Previous blog: 12. Learning van consequence is

Next blog: 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

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