Dag 747 – 26. A worst nightmare scenario?

The blog is related to record 26: A worst nightmare scenario

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still experience on a deep level within me, a uselessness and emptyness and ‘not making any sense’ within me as disconnected from life and as if I am ‘decleared death’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decleare myself as death somewhere without seeing, realizing and understanding how exactly I am doing this within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck within myself and also manifested within my phyisical body around the area of the heart and the left topcorner of the large intestine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to many times think and believe that ‘I am okay and having some purpose’ when at the same time deep within me, I experience this diffuse and undefined and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as ‘diffuse and undefinied’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, feel and believe as if there is nothing I can do about it, as if someone else has ‘decleared me death’ that I do not have an influence on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not exactly see how I decleare myself death but looking at it, it should be related to me going into a judgement on myself and/as my environment – inner or outer – and then from here, going into a reaction and built this through time, where in I am strengthening a system within and as myself as if ‘I am right’ about this until I do not see where it all started and getting stuck within my own self-created judgemental system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave myself behind, diffuse and undefined and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my judgements and so my environment – inner and outer – define me as who I am within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to define myself through pregnancy and giving birth to a child, as if this would give me the purpose to stand up within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel worthy if I do not give birth to a child and define this as a ‘worst case scenario’ as if I ‘fail’ in my purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel worthy if I do not succeed in a relationship and define this as a ‘worst case scenario’ as if I ‘fail‘ in my purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my purpose to the succeeding of a relationship and/or a pregnancy, this on a deep level within me and feeling as if I can not change this, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I all do this to stay ‘connected’ within a relationship with myself, through my mind consciousness system and so, making my mind consciousness system ‘unmissable’ for myself in my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will die without being connected through my mind consciousness system, so actually without this ‘declaration of death’ within and as myself, as how the mind consciousness system exist through and as a judgemental system, creating energy through the polarity of judgements that has an constricting effect on myself and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I need my declaration of death to stay alive’, when actually, it is all in reverse, where I see, realize and understand that I need my declaration of principle as a guideline for myself, to see, realize and understand what it means to really live within consideration of what is best for myself as best for others/all, in and as this physical existence.

When and as I see myself feeling useless, empty and without purpose, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am stuck within an experience that has manifested within my physical body, build through judgements and reactions.

I commit myself to hold myself within the experience of feeling useless, empty and without purpose and to be aware to not create again any judgement towards myself about this.

I commit myself to see what living word can be of support for myself within this specific moment so that I have a replacement for the old judgemental self-definition as something to move forward with, slowly, step by step.

When and as I see myself going into judgements about how a relationship is existing or not existing, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am still holding on to a seemingly importance of relationships through the mind, which I then follow up by thinking about it from a starting-point of polarity.

I realize that I experience a fear to be alone, to really be alone and stay alone, which then is based on a fear of disappearing within a judgemental relationship with myself through my mind, as a declearation of death.

I commit myself to catch myself, to hold myself and bring myself here within this moment and within my physical reality and what is here and to focus on something physical, while at the same, time, seeing if there is an experience coming up that I can define and forgive myself for and then find a new, supportive word to live within that moment while supporting myself physically through breathing and being aware of my breath, as I can only live breath by breath and not more – when I want more, I am already disappeared in my mind, in the stories that I have build and layed and made up for myself, to not feel so alone, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I separate myself from myself when I follow the stories in my mind and so, feeling more and more lonely as I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel good enough only by myself, as if I am missing something, as if I should feel better, as if ‘love’ would make me feel better than me being alone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that an experience of love, is creating an illusion of possibilities that first need to be checked practically, so that if and when ‘love’ comes up, I am able to direct this into a grounded and supportive way of living that is best for me, best for another and so eventually, best for all.

Previous blog: 25. Can a decision be wrong or right?

Next blog: 27. Finding my stability


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