Dag 764 – It’s a decision

One of the things that stand the most by me from the words of Bernard are the words ‘it’s a decision’. Actually everything, who we want to be, how we want to live, how we approach others and the world around us – it’s based on a decision. However what we have learned, is that it is based on ‘how we feel’ or not feel and what we think about something or someone. This goes so automatically and fast within ourself, that we are not really (or not at all) aware of the motivation behind our words and actions, behaviour and choises.

In the past, we have made many ‘decisions’ based on painful experiences and then we created thoughts and behaviour as a way to try and control our environment, to not experience this pain again and so actually, our unaware ‘decisions’ are very much based on a protection and defense mechanism. At some point later in life, if often comes forward that these ‘decisions’ are not practical anymore and actually working ‘against ourself’ as well as ‘against others’. Because these ‘decisions’ are once based on ‘exclusion’ from the one who did some harm to us, instead of bringing the pain back to self. This can be developped in many situations, from very small moments where we did not understand what was happening in a moment, within ourself and for example felt rejected, to the really emotional or physical abusive situations that do happen so much in this world that is based on inequality and misunderstandings.

So the protection and defense mechanism could be valid as ‘understandable’ and even necessarry in the past, however there comes a point in our lives where we are asked to be ready and willing to bring the pain back to self and take responsibility for ourself, in who and how we have created ourselves from all these moments in the past, in a way that is not best for all, but still only protecting and defending ‘our own good’ so to speak which goes hand in hand with attacking another who is questioning this ‘good’.

I was writing self-forgiveness in in a timeline of a mind-construct last week and came to a moment of decision where I saw that my behaviour, is unacceptable. It took me months to come to an understanding of myself in my behaviour, although I had seen already long before that something did not go well in certain moments.

It was in a moment in the working-environment that I am not satisfied about and that I experience as ‘unfair’ but that I can also not practically change and so, I was kind of ‘stuck’ in how to stand in this and behave. And this prevented me from seeing into myself as who I am in that moment and the will to change in this, because I found that ‘I had the right to do this’ in some way. And so it took me a deep introspection to come to the point of seeing that I was actually on a very subtile level, abusing a situation and (business)relationship in the vulnerability of the interdependency that we existing in within actually all relationships. I made a difference of how to be in different relatinships and so, I actually let the relationship determine ‘who I am’. I did not make a clear decision about ‘who I am’ in every relationship and allowed a small backdoor within myself in a (business)relationship where in another is more dependent on me (for money), to behave from a starting-point of ‘having certain rights’, where in other relationships where I am more dependent, I suppress these reactions within me.

Once I saw the point of abuse in it, through the extensive and structural writing and/of self-forgiveness within the lesson, I saw the solution: it’s a decision and I am the solution in who I am in that moment; it’s not possible to change the practical aspects in it and it is unacceptable to live out my dissatisfactions, so there is only one (practical) solution: ME and the decision to no longer accept and allow myself to live out this pattern of abuse, no matter how subtile and no matter ‘if I am right’ in a way.

From here I now need to practise and live this decision in reality, so I need to everytime decide to ‘act on my decision’, to make it a real and living decision that is visible in physical matter and what I find as well is that I need to come to this ‘decision’ in many different situations, moments and relationships, through seeing, realizing and understanding myself in each of it. (…) So I have an overall decision of the will to make the best of myself and come to a living of decisions of what is best for all in every moment and within this ‘will to change’ as a starting-point, I walk many moments towards a point of seeing myself, from where I decide to stop the abusive or ineffective pattern and thus change. This shows how extensive and detailed this process is to come to a point of practical, visible change in all aspects of our living.

Once I come to such point of insight, I find myself being more stable and solid, as now I have found a point that I can stand in and stand up from in those moments. There is often so much resistance experienced towards a point that needs introspection, however once through, it gives much more trust and satisfaction within and as self. To come to a decision that is best for all, I need to take off the layers of energy created around it and an effective way to do this is the application of self-forgiveness, so that I can come to a point of really seeing, realizing and understanding what I am doing in such moment and then, I am able to make the decision or actually in that moment of seeing myself, I have made the decision, to stop the abuse in this certain situation.

Desteni I Process


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Dag 763 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of worry

Continuing from Dag 762 – The word behind waiting with self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and get worried and to not want to face the fact as reality that there is actually something to ‘worry about’ because it is a problem and I do not want to face this because I fear my reaction to it when it happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘tiptoe around’ that what I actually see under the surface and to start worrying about when it comes up or when to opens it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill a ‘need’ within me and so, not wanting to see the problem that may stand in the way of fulfilling this need and so, I create the ‘need’ to start worrying about it because I somewhere, somehow know that it will come to the surface and play out and ‘break up’ between me and that what I want to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill that what I need within a way that seems ‘best for all’ where my starting-point is not yet clear, as long as I am dependent on what I want to fulfill and so, I create the opportunity to worry for myself within the certainty that one day, this what I worry about will take place and play out because under the surface, it is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that what I see in common sense and under the surface, will not take place, will somehow magically disappear or be solved in a way that I perhaps may have missed, where at the same time and within common sense I would be ‘quite surprised’ if it will not take place because this physical realm and life in it’s essence, follows certain ‘laws’ or ways that cannot be denied and how the mind consciousness system is build up in this, can also not be denied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hope’ that ‘the life within’ is already stronger than what I see with common sense and am aware of and so actually I am hoping for a miracle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘worry’ about not knowing what to do or how to step in or not step in at the moment that happens what I worry about and so I am actually worrying about ‘myself not directing myself’ in what I see that may assist and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to keep waiting or worry to not keep waiting and move on in a direction that I actually don’t want but that I feel like I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about me not having the influence that is needed or to not acting on the potential that I see that is needed and that I can or may have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having influence, out of fear of not directing myself and acting on what I see that may be the best thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in a ‘trial and error’ situation and to fear others as myself as well to get angry for this and at the same time, fearing others to get angry when what I do is not a mistake at all but triggering a reaction of resistance that is expressed towards me or even within me in and as myself as my own ‘backlash’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like moving through an invisible wall of a thick and densed cloud of resistance.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of worry, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am ‘waiting’ before that what I see that is under the surface, is coming up and that I at the same time, try to find ways to prefend it coming up, in a hope that it is not needed and that I do not need to go through the experience when and as it comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push the point that I see under the surface because I cannot stand within the experience of fear and worry for my own experiences when and as it comes to surface and so, I rather ‘have it now’ but at the same time, want to find a way that it doesn’t need to come up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push and pull towards that what I see under the surface and doing this within an experience of fear, worry and hope and at the same time, seeing that it is best and needed to come to the surface because then it is visible and so it can be forgiven and solved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and to blame others for consequences that I need to go through, as well that I think and believe that ‘others created’, where in I see now that the blame in itself is giving an experience of sadness and then me fearing the experience of sadness that comes up within the consequence, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this experience firstly within myself by going into blame towards others and then trying to ‘prevent’ the consequence to play out by opening it up on forehand, while I still speak within a subtile energy of blame and so the blame resonates within my words and behaviour where in I am actually creating the experience that I fear, namely ‘to be blamed’ for the consequence that opens up (which then brings up the experience of sadness).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be blamed for what I see, when I bring up what I see and so I tend to not voice myself about what I see, from where I more and more go into ‘blaming others’ for what I see happening but what I am not speaking about.

I commit myself to first clear myself from aspects of (subtile or hidden) blame before I voice myself about what I see and I commit myself to take responsibility for the consequences that I create or have created when and as I speak or have spoken or may speak in blame, by going back to the drawing-board within and as myself and looking at what I fear to experience when a consequence may play out (as what is needed to make things visible at the surface from the deep waters within), by forgiving myself for my part in it and by possibly supporting another when and as needed and within my capacity and stability as what is best for the live in it all to open up or ‘germinate’, within myself as others as well.


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Dag 762 – The word behind ‘waiting’

Within my last blog I opened up some dimensions or aspects of the word ‘waiting’. What I see is that behind the word waiting, there is another word ‘waiting’ for me to open up; a word that is related to how I experience ‘waiting’ in certain occasions. The word behind it is the word ‘worry’.

I am aware of the information that as well my mother as my grandmother, did participate a lot in an experience of worry. My grandmother was – in my eyes – open about this, she called my mother every day when she was older and living alone after her husband passed away. My mother was keeping it more inside from my perspective though was also showing it. An example is that she for example could not sleep before I arrived at home in the night as a teenager/young adult. But, if she knew I was sleeping somewhere else, she did sleep. So here I see it is also related to a ‘waiting’.

I did experience resististance to this ‘worry’ about me during that time, however I do very well understand it now more and more and how it is not so easy to direct oneself in this experience. I see myself worrying the most when I do not have information about a certain situation. So when for example someone who is close to me, is not approachable and I do not have the information about what is going on and so I have to ‘wait’ for more information or communication, then the experience of worry is coming up. Or when an animal is becoming sick and I am not yet sure what to do or what is goingand what the outcome will be, I start to worry.

What I already see is that it is related to a lack of insight and information that gives the experience of worry within me and then a fear of loss is coming up. Here I start to participate in the experience – or let’s say even ‘state’- of waiting, as a waiting for the information opening up so that  I can make a plan of approach and direct myself in this. In this time of not yet having the information, I start participating in a ‘state of waiting’ and ‘not finding myself’ being able anymore to focus on something else and so to direct myself in this. I become then completely occupied in/as a mind-state or experience that is influencing who I am and what I do.

When I write this, I experience it as ‘impossible’ to really change this in myself to no longer participate in an experience or state of worry in a way that influences me on who I am and what I do, however in knowledge and information and from a point of common sense, I know it is possible to learn to direct myself in this, altough I do not yet see how this will be. So I can only work with the tools of now opening up this programming within me, within the writing and then starting with self-forgiveness on this deep ingrained experience of worry behind the waiting. Where I then actually am ‘waiting’ for myself to direct myself, so within an experience of worry, I am ‘waiting’ as well.

In next blog I will open up more within the application of self-forgiveness on the experience of worry and from here, see the next step in this process. Let’s start with making the ‘seemingly impossible’ possible; by walking into the unknown of how to do this, yet having the tools of self-support to guide myself in this.

Desteni I Process


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Dag 761 – Opening up the word ‘waiting’

From what I have understood from a horoscope that has been made of my birthdate years ago and what I have kept with me, is that there is a theme within the familyline, within my grandparents marriage, that played a role with them and that plays a role within me as well. This is about the balance between voicing myself within a partnershap – where I tend to do this too little – and voicing myself in a work environment, where I tend to ‘speak up’ too strongly.

It is not so that I take a horoscope as an absolute guideline, but what I find interesting in it is that a theme like this, can be used as a point that needs my attention and understanding to resolve within and as myself.

Related to this, I remember my grandmother mentioning more than once the words ‘well, then we keep on waiting again’ (‘dan gaan we maar weer wachten’ <Dutch>) where this was related to something in her marriage where she more or less needed to wait untill her husband gave ‘green sign’ for something so to speak.

This brings me to the point of how I am living the word waiting within a relationship. I do not like to ‘wait’ with bringing up something, I actually want to immediately speak about an issue that gives some friction and I experience a lot of impatience within me when a partner is not willing or ready to open up on something. This is mainly because I then have already resolved the point within myself and then ‘I am ready’ to speak about it. Where I also remember that in the year before my start of walking the Desteni I Process, I was many times not ready to open up and let go of some beliefs and related feelings or unresolved emotions. It basicely ‘hurted’ too much to speak about it with common sense and I needed time to firstly embrace and process the related experiences. So what I see already is that, when and as I am in an experience, I am not so much willing to open up either.

It is more that an experience of fear that is coming up when I do not have the information of what is going on within another close to me and what the consequences are of this. Basicely I fear to ‘loose the relationship’, where my impatience is then based on a point of self-interest and so I am not really standing in understanding and support for another unconditionally; something that I am very well able to if the other is not so much ‘close’ related to me and my daily life.

Let’s start with self-forgiveness on experiences coming up here within me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like dying and feeling this physically at the height of both the upper corners of my large intestine and feeling like it is too much, like I cannot handle this or accept this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up completely in this experience of it ‘being too much’ where in I then conclude that I have given up on myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on cycling in drama of the experience or idea of giving up on myself completely, as if I can never fix this again or as if I can never forgive myself in this because I actually do not exactly see how I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself a victim of the experience or idea of giving up on myself, where in I do not see where this starts as why I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep searching for the reason of giving up on myself and the experience of dying, instead of voicing myself out of it and moving myself foreward to what I see that is best to do, no matter how I feel or where I come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my emotions as a reason or excuse to not move myself forward, where in I am locking myself in, in an experience of despair of not getting out of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel through and through victimized in this point of ‘waiting’ within and as myself.

What I see here is that I have strengthened a main-system within myself through spiraling down in emotions where in I lock myself in, within secrecy actually, as a hidden and locked system within and as myself where there seems no way out.

What I also realize is that being open and vulnerable is a solution to work with and something that can be practised in a partnership, but actually in any relationship or situation that I am in – according to what the situation and/or relationship allows in that moment as I cannot now blund jump in and ‘be open and vulnerable’ where ever I am. This needs to be approached within alignment and common sense. However, Life is open and vulnerable and living these words can be of support to move myself out of the comfortzone of ‘how I feel’ or out of a general experience of ‘waiting’ for a ‘confirmation’ before I move myself or voice myself. I see it is more a decision of moving myself into the direction that I see required and from a point of self-trust to do so, as the only way actually to establish the self-trust as well.

To be continued.

Here are some blogs to be found that describe the encryption if systems from Creation’s Journey to Life and a paragraph out of it that we are actually walking now in real time in this physical existence:

(…)

So, back to the Encryption point: so as we take down these Encryptions and we have already taken down virtually all of the Encryptions of the Interdimensions, of Multi-Universes of…you cannot even begin to Comprehend, from a Human perspective, what has actually existed. 
So, for some years now we are busy with the Physical Encryption. A little bit more difficult, because – you have to take down the Complete Program, Decode the Encryption; and – these Programs are Programmed to Activate similarly, to say, the Seed of a Plant. The Seed of a Plant requires a certain amount of Rain, a certain amount of Heat, a certain type of Environment before it Activates and it Grows. 
The System is Designed like a Plant. It requires a Very Specific Environment before it Activate. So, before we can Find the System, because it’s hidden into uncountable Dimensions – we have to first Create the Environment within which the System Activates. And when the System Activates – we can find the bloody thing. When we find the bloody thing, then we can deal with it, Decrypt it, take it out. And then – we have to take it out in the Physical, because it is a Physical System that is Creating Control within the Physical. And as you’ve Noticed, that stuff is like Really Effective. 

Taking out a System in the Physical, is like walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. It is absolutely Hell, because – the Physical Body Believe itself to be the System. So, you have to get it to See, and Realize that it is Not and that it can be something else, because it’s Complete Image and Likeness, it is the Physical. And then, you have to take it out – and its got to then Willingly Release the System and itself from the Ideas and the Ideologies that the System Represents…and only then, can the System be Removed. 

How long will this take us? We don’t know. We are working as fast as possible, as fast as the Physical can Recuperate. Because, after every event – the Physical needs to Repair itself. 

So, this is very fascinating stuff – we are Moving and Removing this. And eventually, it will Assist in allowing the Human to See what they have allowed. So slowly but surely, like pulling hens teeth, we are Moving, little step at a time, baby steps at a time, Forward. 

From: Creation’s Journey to Life: 301: The Encryption of Systems (Part Two)


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive