For many many years in my life, as long as I am interested in relationships, I have pushed back and forward within myself within the polarity of wanting a relationship and then finding out that I can not (or don’t want) to really keep standing in it or another cannot (or don’t want) to really keep standing in it. And everytime I am looking for reasons within my own mind for why and how and what I can do more. What I see deep within me is that I on some level, start within a point of compromise and then I am not able to bring myself within the relationship, to a point of self-honesty and equality and oneness, in and as myself, while moving together to this point.
Af friend said years ago to me like ‘Ingrid, maybe you first need to find your own strength before you will be in a raltionship that you are satisfied with’ (or something like this). Here I also saw that this is real what she mentions, like this is the key, however I also found it quite daunting because I felt a lot of fear to walk this path – fear of never being able to walk with a partner on long term in and as the believe that ‘nobody wants to be with me if I do that’.
So within me I had always an idea of equality and oneness and that this is needed and what I am looking for in partnership, however I found myself time after time unable to bring this in reality and also to even speak about it from the start in a stable and clear way, also out of fear that another would not step in or would not stay. And so I walked many situations with every time the same pain when it did not go as how I would like it to go.
Within the past 6-7 years walking the Desteni I Process, I have found what I was looking for in standing up within principles that are considering myself, another and life as a whole and even more, how to practically move myself into this stand. Before this, I was not aware of how many layers I have build up within me where in I am actually ‘preventing’ myself from living my utmost potential – layers that I have stored in and as my mind-consciousness system and then integrated within my physical body and so, I am living this out in my physical reality because it has become a part of me.
This al together – which sounds like common sense and like ‘hey, easy, let’s do this’; which is not because the layers have so much integrated within all that I have become and so it takes time and effort to walk through, in writing, in the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and then walking the correction in physical reality – this all together brought me to the realization that I do not need to let go of a relationship or to let go of the potential to walk together yet alone, but I need to let go of…………a relationship-character.
I probably have created this as my main character where in I have created the most consequences for myself and indirectly for others as well in this. The consequences for myself have been mainly emotional an then manifesting all the emotional patterns within my physical body and so affecting my physical body and organ-functioning.
At the moment of this realization, that I could come to in a conversation with Sylvie, the intens emotional pain decreased. This is also showing how supportive it can be to speak things through within integrity and especially if both are walking the process of self-realization more actively. This will be of support to understand self and each other and keep standing in finding solutions that are life-supporting on long-term. With this realization I enabled and supported myself to pick myself up and move on. I now mainly need to focus in keeping myself together, focussing on my breathing, moving myself physically and not going again and again in this emotional state in moments that I feel the emotions lingering within me – which is many times a day. Every time realizing like ‘okay I am not loosing anything but a character that is not needed or beneficial for me anymore’. Because it is so easy to fall back or keep falling in believing the emotions and feelings to be real and then following up on them. Strange enough it makes me nervous and it feels like ‘I am doing something that I am not allowed to do’- like stepping out of a ‘code’ or something.
This is actually what I / we are doing in the Desteni I Process – getting to know myself in the characters that I have created and then layer by layer, peeling off the ‘false energetic identities’ that I have taken on through my life for a reason, to enable myself to bring myswelf through in a substantial way, into self-expression. I have hidden within this ‘identities’ and so made myselfkind of ‘stuck and imprisoned’ within this by my own acceptances and allowances and to ‘come to myself’ again, I need / needed to forgive and correct all these layers as identities.
I must say that only by now when writing this out, I start to understand what ‘characters’ are and how the layers in and as my mind, are build up from identities that I have taken on and integrated within/as myself. Because I have become this one main-character, it is not so easy to see what I have build up around and as myself, because I have become it. However this did not stop me from starting my Desteni I Process seven years ago and along the way, I start to see and understand more and more. I have learned through my life the importance to start with what I do see and understand and then walk from here into a deeper awareness that is infinite in a way, because I am expanding in it.
So a ‘not (yet) understanding of everything’ can not be an excuse to not start with what we do understand in that moment.
A walk into understanding to be continued.
Thanks for reading and walking with!
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
The Secret to Self-Realisation:
Proces van wereldverandering: