Dag 792 – Getting a grip on the worst of me – a start

Getting-a-Grip-on-Love

“Allow yourself to cry and let go

because it’s a letting go of the worst of you”

I received a self-reflection (from myself/my beingness) that the mourning about letting go of a relationship is a letting go of the worst of me. Why am I holding on so much to ‘the worst of me’?

I see a belief in myself that within this, it is the only possibility for a relationship with another (not friendship but partner relationship) and if I look further, for a relationship with this specific ex-partner and so if I let go of this worst part of me, I need to let go of him (in/as my mind where in I still hold on) as this is wherein we connected (which is in itself not so cool if plain looked at) and so I never will be able to be with the best of him. So actually I hold on to this worst (in/as the mind-as the mind contains the worst of ourself) as connection as an opening to the potential best, out of fear of ‘loosing him’ in totality, because, ‘what if he is not willing to let go of his worst (mind) and so not coming ‘with me’? Where in I continue letting open a backdoor for my (and his/another’s) worst self taking the best of me in/as my mind.

I am somewhere walking in circles here and refusing to ‘let go’ where I react to the words ‘letting go’. I simply don’t like ‘letting go’ and don’t want this.

Let’s start with some self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of the worst of me where I am having difficulties with defining what this worst exactly contains and where I see that what I accepted and allowed, as ‘not so bad’ and so, I do not really see the need to let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can continue like this, that I will be okay and fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really care about myself and my future, not as in a really waking up with only myself as a cross-reference and that I need a relationship to show me what I have accepted and allowed and still then I do not really/completely see it and here I do need my house as a cross-reference where in I see the beauty of what I have created so far for/as myself as something that I do not want to be insulted by violence and abusive behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find my house and my cats more important to take care of than me, as ‘I can have it but I cannot let it happen to them’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how far I have let myself down and go, where in I see that I did ‘let myself go’ and so ‘I don’t like a letting go and I don’t want this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sense any of myself in myself and so I need to walk it by principle and by reflection of my environment, animals and relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find myself worthy of standing up only for myself, as if I am not allowed to do this without permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for permission of someone or something outside myself to stand up and let go of that what I see that is not working out well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to self-blame of what I have accepted and allowed and so I am not able/willing to let go of that what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need the printed words of myself to remind myself what I am looking at and to immediately forget and go blank as soon as I put the paper down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the best of another to fulfill me instead of living and expressing the best of/as myself with what I accept and allow and what not and sharing from here and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to miss out on the best of another and to need to keep standing with another no matter how bad, to eventually come to the best, thinking and believing that within doing so, I live the best of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that continuesly standing with another is showing the best of me and so sooner or later, another will show his best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer ‘standing with another’ over ‘standing with/as myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer standing with and focusing on another’s worst self over standing with and focusing on my own worst self, where in I actually feed my own worst self because I become frustrated and go into self-blame under the surface that only stops, when another stops his worst self and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make another responsible for my well-being within my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like grasping in the dark and not seeing anything, where in I can refer this to what a shaman already years ago mentioned, that I am afraid to go into the ‘dark forest that is me’ and so this ‘dark’ is where I need to be although I do not see where it goes and what is there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather ‘be with him’ than ‘with myself alone in/as the dark as the unknown’ which is only in my mind when being alone, because as soon as before it was showing in reality where it was ‘getting out of hand’, I certainly did not want to continue like that and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unrealistic in/as my mind and hold on to a feeling-connection to the past to the ‘good moments’ and so not focusing on me now and here, with and as myself alone and how I can support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to really see and change my approach because then I may find out what I could have done different and so I perhaps could have prevented things for going into this death end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the ending of the relationship as a death end and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able and willing to conceive the concept of not/never seeing him again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see death as an ending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect with a partner via the worst of me in acceptance and allowance and so making our connection dependable on the worst of me in acceptance and allowance without any possibility to live the best of me (as well for myself as for himself) with each other because this means that we need to let go of the connection that we created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this connection a source of keeping my worst intact and to feed my/our worst, because whenever I (or he) would move into the best of me, a fear of loosing the connection will come up in one or both of us that will feed the worst and as well, a ‘holding on to the worst’ will take place for the one that fears the most in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to find out that I could have changed the outcome by/as myself and that I am searching for a ‘larger force’ that is responsible for the relationship as ‘Love’ as a force that will survive no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself towards ‘Love’ and to see ‘Love’ bigger as me that will stay ‘intact’ no matter what happens, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that love can be destroyed or expanded by and through myself in who I am and by and through another in who he is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be a good example of what love means in and as myself while speaking about it more than once, simply by my acceptance and allowance of what I do accept in my life and what not and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being the example that I really intended and tried to be and from here, going into a victimization of myself of ‘nobody understand me in what an effort I have put in to make it work).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on ‘the work/what I do’ while missing out on ‘who I am’ within and as my starting-point of acceptance and allowance and so no matter what I do, the ‘who I am’ will determine the outcome, exactly as how I predicted in and as a projection towards him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first connect in/as the mind through attraction and love and from here, into the beingness and physical and so, making the beingness and physical connection dependent on the mind in and as attraction and love which is creating ground for emotional grieve when and as going through a necessary release of the created connections to get out of the mind-connection and manipulative patterns that automatically comes within acceptance and allowance in love and attraction – the connection is manipulated infact already and needs to be purified within and as self, before a real physical and beingness connection is possible to be made.

A process to be continued

743AADB55546D1B5A2140F800D9AB626-into-the-dark-forest.jpg

 


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

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Uil forgive

 

 

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