Dag 807 – Embracing disappointment

After the writing of my last blog I looked some more days – up to a few weeks, in the experience of disappointment as it was still here with me every day. At one time I noticed in myself how I could immediately embrace it and then, what would happen is that some layer behind this experience, could open up. I noticed that through not opening up myself for this experience of disappointment to come in, I am ‘holding on’ to what is behind it and so I do not need to ‘let this go’ in a way.

So can I then say that I am only ready to embrace the experience of disappointment when and as I am ready to let go what is behind it that I am holding onto? Or can I actively support myself in embracing the experience of disappointment and from here, I get a better view on that what is hiding or stored behind it and so I can then support myself in this as well to do what is best for myself? It probably works both ways: actively embracing the experience of disappointment without forcing or trying to open up what may hiding behind.

Actually when I did come to this embracing of disappointment and opening up what is behind it in letting it go (forgiving myself in it) – The daily ‘presence’ of this experience of disappointment disappeared.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the experience of disappointment and within this, resisting a part of myself and so disconnecting myself from myself in which I then enlarge the experience of disappointment from this disconnection from myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself caught in an experience of disappointment en enlarging the separation / disconnection from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comfort myself with an experience of disappointment, as a kind of safe bubble around me.

Does this relate with what Bernard once told me, that I use the experience of sadness as a reward? I will leave this as a question for myself as an opening to come to an answer through time, in really seeing it within myself, as at the moment what I see is the word ‘comfort’ as kind of safety around me, which can function as a reward as well theoretically, because energy is energy, so surely I should have started using it as a kind of energy reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself caught in an energetic reward system that is unknowingly functioning as a limitation system, feeling like ‘I am not coming over this’ and so cycling in an energetic experience of sadness and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comfort myself with limiting emotional experiences like sadness and disappointment which on very deep levels, come together in / as a state of resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel disappointed or sad, hold myself and eventually speak from a starting-point of resentment and so resonating / bringing forward resentment and so what I may expect to be triggered is…resentment in another as well, especially when the experience of disappointment has not been embraced and openend up to and one is directly going into resentment as kind of protection to not experience disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to resentment as long as I am not willing / able to embrace the experience of disappointment and so what I keep creating in my life, are situations that reflect the hidden layer of resentment which may bring related experiences as hate and revenge.

Self-commitments:

When and as I notice an experience of disappointment within myself passing by, I stop and breathe. I realize that I need to take a moment to embrace the experience and so I commit myself to embrace myself in the experience of disappointment and to comfort myself in it so that I can heal, unite myself with this disconnected piece within and as myself and to open up what I may be holding on to underneath the experience of disappointment.

When and as I see a form of resentment in the background within me, as a kind of ‘hard wall’ somewhere deep inside, I stop and breathe. I realize that there may be an experience of disappointment within me that I have not yet embraced and so, I commit myself to take a moment to breathe and embrace myself unconditionally and see where or what the disappointment is related to and then bring this piece back to myself as a part of me.

When and as I see a reflection in my environment of some one directly living out resentment towards me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I may hold on to a resentment as well, related to the person and / or the situation that reflect on some memory within me and so, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to find what or who I feel disappointed about, to bring it back to myself as a piece of me and as a projection of a self-disappointment towards another or a situation and embracing myself in it unconditionally, to open up what is laying / hiding underneath.

Embracing Self by Bernard Poolman


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