Dag 828 – Facing a system inside myself

Due to some physical issues that I found I needed some support on, I decided to visit Kim at Quantum Change Kinesiology for a few sessions online. I find her incredibly detailed and specific with regards to looking at programmings that are physically integrated, looking at it in depth where I am not able to look at myself and relating it to memories from early age. In the second session we came to a programming that I can write out in public because it is all about myself and I find it such an important point for males and females to consider with regards to body image and with regards to being and becoming responsible for what we pass through onto others / children.

It is about a mind-point that is physically manifested where the physical support I mostly take on by myself or with the support of others within the natural medicine and everything around it. So within this we are looking at what the mind-point is about.

The question was: what happens in the moment that I am going into cramps in my large intestine?

What comes forward is the executive, assertive and outspoken, value, competence, little patience. It is related to a high (positive energetic experiences) and the cramping is a result of whatever construct I go in when I feel high. (When I experience a fear of the high it is of not really understanding what program I go in when I go into that high).

I am going into a competitive point with regards to my waist. I have related a small waist and flat belly to ‘sexyness’ nd even on ‘being able to have sex’ and from here on, I became somewhat anorectic and developed crampings in my intestine as well (I cannot recall if those crampings was here already earlier). It is really a mind-system so it is bigger than only thoughts, reactions, feelings and emotions, it ‘is me’ and so I actually do not see it. And that is exactly what I notice, that it is so integrated that I am not really able to stop myself in it by for example stopping thoughts and looks of comparison, as even that seems impossible. Which feels very strange, as in ‘why am I not able to stop this when I know it is not good for me?’ The answer is then that it is part of a larger system.

This system is sitting in my solar plexus, a bit lower as an energy system of where it comes from. The energy feels like a form of depression in relation to my self-image and self-esteem. A pre-programmed downward movement in relation to myself.

It is programmed within me at an early age. When growing up, I am trying to balance this out or compensate with positive experiences (this is where the high is coming in) where I am balancing out the depression point when it comes to my self-image. The high / positive is tight to that negative. The high is compensating the negative and suppressing and hiding the low self-esteem. And this suppression is causing the cramps. The self-esteem is really really low and this gives a conflict when I go into that high. I also really really suppressed this low self-esteem, pushing it deeply away, trying to erase it.

What is it about this self-image or self-esteem that I am suppressing so much? It is like a tiny thing below my solar plexus that becomes tinier when I look at it. Hiding in a layer of shame. This is a shame around the competition, it looks like a programming (the shame). The shame is hiding the fact that I actually really want this body image. The shame is hiding the desire for this body image. Like the shame as a way to not really be self-honest about this desire (as a programming) that I really really want this. This layer of shame as self-dishonesty of me not being honest with myself on it and then going into judgement.

Here I see that I do not know how to deal with this desire (actually with a desire at all) as this desire is not really realistic (to desire a body-image that does not fit the natural form of my body) but at the same time I desire it.

This system is designed to sabotage my self-expression: me as a being with a powerful potential to express myself as a female; as a program that is constantly bringing myself down. I accepted the system that keeps telling me these things that are unrealistic. A programming that is constantly telling me that I am not powerful and confident (which comes with accepting myself). However, I accepted this system of powerlessness and insecurity, I accepted it as ‘who I am’.

It is a programming designed to limit the female power and expression, as a female turning against myself in my mind. I developed this identity or self-image around it where I really believe these experiences of insecurity and becoming them as this mind-system.

To me it does seem like a silly point from which I already know that it is not realistic and somehow I notice that I still believe that it is realistic to achieve (for example with training and things like that).

Who in my life told me something that I have to be something different (than who I already am)?

Here a memory came up that is related to it and this I find such an important point to consider for all of us:

At an age of about six years, I was playing at a (lady) friend’s home. We played together often. They had parquet on the floor on which we could the sit on a blanket and being pulled over the floor by each other and sometimes by her father, which we liked very much doing. At such playtime, the father of that friend was playing with is and said out of knowhere: ‘look at Ingrid, what a chubby arms she has (Dutch: iets als ‘kijk wat heeft Ingrid een mollige spekarmpjes’). Here to mention that I was not overweight at all, perhaps a bit chubby as a natural weight.

In this one moment, he was transferring all his programming around body image etc to me and I accepted / downloaded it in that moment. It interfered with the acceptance of myself and with knowing that my body is fine. I allowed that moment to define who I am in body image and self-esteem.

Here I need to look at ‘I am statements’ in my mind such as ‘can I really be who I am? I don’t know if my body is good enough or how it should be? Am I allowed to be who I am? There is a possibility that I should be different, that I should not look like I look like. I suppose there is a possibility that I am not acceptable the way I am, that according to reality I am not who I should be. My environment makes comments about my body image so there is a possibility that I am not acceptable the way I am’.

Here there comes confusion around what is real, like my body looks a certain way but according to my environment, how things are (as how my body looks) may not be supposed to be.

I did not understand where his comment came from. I took what he said literally, I did not realize where he came from, from a programming in his mind. It did not make sense to me but I trusted him (as the father of that friend), which creates conflict. As a child I am very trusting of my environment, I pick things up because I don’t understand people are lost in the mind.

From here other ‘I am’ statements occure like ‘I don’t really understand what is going on but I go along with it unquestioned. I leave it up to other people to tell me how things are’. ‘I don’t need a sense of self because I trust my environment’. Trusting that my environment kind of does it the right way, like I don’t need to question anything because I believe I can trust my environment with everything.

Some of this is a mind-point but it is also me, being myself. where Trust = my being = no knowledge and information. Where my mind is turning this into a layer where I easily get programmed by my environment. Like a mind layer where I allow people to tell me things, the mind starting to latching on knowledge and information that people tell me. Here I need to work with strengthening my commonsense and my ability to question, to say ‘hey this is unrealistic’. Being the one who sais ‘this is not realistic’. When I see that something does not make sense, to be my own authority and state like ‘this does not make sense’ instead of accepting it unquestioned. To break down the mind-layer around my self-trust.

I will in next blog, start to bring into self-forgiveness what I find in it here. I already had a tough day where I felt so ashamed about forcing myself in a way into a body image out of an (unrealistic) desire, although I now have the information that I downloaded a program that is transferred to me on an early age – it was like going through that layer of shame and sadness around it all day with a ‘hold’ on my intestine.

What I find such an important point here to consider for us all, is how easily we transfer a mind-program to a child (that is trusting mostly) and the enormous impact that it has on a life. I have come to understand that children are more physical now when they are born so this gives probably a more physical stability and common sense already within them. However, in one moment something can change a life (for the good and for the bad). We need to start becoming more and truly aware of this. I mean, this happened with me around 45 years ago and I am only by now able and starting to work with it (which I notice is not directly easy), despite all the effort I did last 30 years around it (that created layers and that I needed to bring down as well). And I am being able to do so now, because I have received support in defining what happened, what it entails and where it came from. It was a memory that stood by me and I noticed in that moment that I did not like it, I felt indeed already like questioning myself back then and really ‘shrinking’ in that moment, however I had no idea or even a clue that the issues around my waist and body image where coming from this particular moment.

For individual support into depth I recommend to visit Space of Grace. And ofcourse, always for the basics and overal understanding, I suggest to start at Desteni I process Lite. For information around mind-systems, programmings, the History of Mankind and practical support in it all, one can visit Eqafe. Thanks.

Proces van zelfverandering:
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog

The Secret to Self-Realisation:


Proces van wereldverandering:

Uil forgive

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