When I was at the Desteni farm eight years ago, Bernard mentioned shortly that I should look at ‘being Dutch’. I recognized something within this but I have not yet actively opened it up with a writing of self-forgiveness on it.
There are things that ‘I like’ about ‘being Dutch’ and things that I ‘don’t like’. I also noticed that I have had a tendency to feel attracted to guys from another country for quite a long period.
A few self-forgiveness to open up this topic for myself from where I can walk it further in my daily life – after opening up within a blog, mostly more opens up within myself to move on with:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel attracted’ to guys from another country above ‘Dutch’ guys, in a way to avoid a daily grind coming in that I define as a ‘Dutch’ grind with working from nine till five and weekends free, same routine every week.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like other cultures and to like the influence of just another cultural input to ‘break the daily grind’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I then put away my responsibility of bringing in myself as a self-expression, where there may be still a routine but not experienced as ‘daily grind’; so more aligned and unique in every moment, every day, not so much to ‘be different’ but more here as self-expression as a new moment each moment, as how animals express themselves every day when I come home, which I do enjoy deeply and so it is not what is bothering me that things are kind of ‘the same’ every day but more that the systematization is taking over.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind taking over my self-expression within a routine and then start reacting to this systematization within myself, projected and / or seeing reflected in another, where I then want to get away from as I experience it as ‘too much systematization’ that is suppressing the life within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that with a foureign guy, the systematization will not take over without seeing, realizing and understanding that different systematizations are taking place, including difficulties in communication with regards to language and culture differences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being Dutch’ as ‘being civil’ and so I do not want to be Dutch or projected, thinking that I do not want to be with a Dutch guy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself, my opportunities with a connected definition to ‘being Dutch’, without really taking responsibility for my own ‘laying back’ in directing myself effectively every day, within the system but not of the system, with a mind consciousness system existing within me but not being enslaved to it through my own likes and dislikes, fears and comfortzones as a reaction towards systems within and without.
I commit myself to push myself to from moment to moment, to stand up, step forwards and investigate a like or dislike coming up in relation to ‘being Dutch’ or ‘being with a Dutch guy’, to forgive myself for connections being made in word definitions related to ‘being Dutch’, to enable myself to live myself in the moment without labeling myself or another through culture and language and instead, to see beyond and into the potential in every moment, in and as our beingness, in and as life.
I commit myself to, when and as I see an experience of a daily grind coming up, to stop, breathe and look inside myself in what state of mind I find myself in that moment, to on the in-breath, embrace and forgive myself within the specific experience, to ask myself for a word to live, as a support to move myself out of this state, on the out-breath so to speak – holding my cats as an example of whom I never get bored of their expression when I am coming home, day after day.
I commit myself to focus on sound and sounding self-forgiveness, to further investigate the difference between the sound and energy of words, to forgive the connected energy related to words that I do see coming up and to practice sounding self-forgiveness, to eventually find the sound within and as me, expressing myself equal and one, in and as life.
I was rereading my previous blog about patience – and I see I am slowly moving into a deeper level. I do not have a weekly blog writing at the moment; this due to time and many practical things that needed and still need to be done; however what I also and mainly see is that I am very much searching what to write about, where I am within me and how to define this, how to bring this into words. Some things I would like to firstly walk before I share it, to not compromise my own process by sharing too fast, before I am ready and clear within myself. Some things I can share along the way but it takes some time as I am walking it in physical reality and it only goes as fast as I go and walk through or open things up within myself.
What I do come into is seeing how under the impatience that I wrote about in the previous blog, there is a point that I actually have not allowed myself to admit, as that I am the cause, let’s say my starting-point – so who I am within the starting-point, is what I need to reconsider, forgive and change. So who I am within this, is causing me to create painful experiences and from here, creating a sadness as an energetic source for my mind consciousness system to generate energy from and keep cycling in it as an endless energy source, until I have totally worn myself out.
Here I need to admit that my approach was a default approach for almost all my life, so I actually wasted a lot of time and energy – physical energy, sourced from my physical body, into my mind, to use as entertainment or distraction in a way – that I could have used much more effectively to build something constructive. However that is easy to speak when looking back, as this is actually how the whole world is build on default, to generate energy and exhaust, worn out the physical resources, living from a mind’s perspective – where the mind turns everything around.
We get it reflected as results in our physical reality, we see it – I see it as the results are not what I would like it to be or what I see as my utmost potential, yet still I am recreating it – until I admit, that I myself am at fault, I have ‘build in’ my failure so to speak from the start, in and as my starting-point. Trying and trying and believing that it ‘has to be possible also on ‘my way’, where I am actually refusing or hesitating to give up on some idea or desire that I hide behind. Because when I give up this idea or desire, I open up a new area that I have never been or walked in before, so it is quite new and undefined and so it may feel uncomfortable because it is new, unknown and so it can not feel comfortable in and as my mind, because I have never walked it.
Besides that it feels uncomfortable, I expect some emotional painful experiences behind it as the reason why I closed off this area within and as myself however, to not ‘hold on’ to this expectation as if ‘it must be there’ and to keep ‘searching’ for it, but to simply allow myself to be here and ready for myself when something may open up, to allow myself to open up what is underneath.
As what I have seen before is what has caused some emotional pain, is also again coming from a (often copied) default system and from here, thinking and believing that ‘I did it all so wrong’ where there is often / mostly a point of innocence within it as well, of simply ‘not knowing’ or ‘never having learned how to do it’. But, this first step of admitting to myself that I am hiding behind some default patterns, that is a created ego-point that is up to me myself, to open up and move beyond. The door is open as they say; I need to decide if I walk into the depth of myself.
I believe that this is the hardest nut that we all need to crack and open up, this admitting to oneself that one was at default all the while – not by theory, as the theory is quite easy to grasp, but really seeing it within self, where and how holding on to the ego-point is keeping the door closed.
Still quite general – in time to come I will see if I can describe it more defined and example related.
Here the need comes up from inside myself to really forgive myself although I do yet even know where or how exactly – here I start with what I have written and often I then end up more specific:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself closed off from myself, to keep believing that ‘my way’ should be possible as well, although the results keep showing me a lesser outcome than the potential that I see existing within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a default programming that I copied, activated and lived for many many years, out of a desire that I have accepted and allowed as my goal, as something to reach, as something that I ‘should be able to’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to revenge as in not admitting that my way is the default way and that I need to reconsider and adapt my approach.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to open up a deeper layer within myself, out of revenge that I never ever want another to see this depth within me again, not seeing, realizing and understanding how I compromise myself as well and that I then also not will see this depth within me – the depth as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself off from the depth as me as a point of revenge of the ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame all and everything that this depth within and as me is hidden and locked in, when all the while, I made a decision to close off and lock in myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to ‘find’, that I am not enough, that me simply here is not enough and that ‘there is more’ that I can reach.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the ‘more as me’ as depth within and as myself as life and instead and because of this ‘missing out of me’, keep reaching out, searching for, forcing myself and what more, outside myself, in and as my mind, thinking and believing that ‘this is it’ because ‘it feels so good’ so this must be it, otherwise it would not feel so good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of missing of something that feels so good, start believing that I need to have that too when all the while, this ‘feeling good‘ is not what it is about but more I did not have an example of how to connect and express myself, in and as the depth that is me, all and everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings, as something to reach, when all the while, I created this feelings as a way out of the misery of emotional suppression within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘self-hate’ in not being effective and then start living this out indirectly – so within creating dis-comforts within my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body to live out my suppressed emotions and then starting to use my physical discomfort as an excuse to not move myself beyond this self-created veil as a physical manifested barrier.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am ‘too much’ when being me, when sharing freely and then looking in the mirror, as if I look not good enough to freely express myself, as if I ‘need to look good’ to allow myself to express myself from the inside out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let looks overrule my being within and as myself and use this as an excuse to not open up and share myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘look better’ than another to ‘feel better’ than another, not seeing, realizing and understanding how it here starts working against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘do it better than my parents’ in certain area’s and here, separating myself from the copied systems within myself as ‘what I judged’ and so actually weakening and imprisoning myself within what I have separated myself from at first, from what I have judged without and so suppressed within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own excuses as if I need to look good to share myself unconditionally where this ‘looking good’ I then have copied in my teenage years as ‘how I want to look’, as a way out to ‘do it better’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that the starting-point here is actually revenge and so it will backfire towards me, sooner or later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself, the life within me, to a mind’s idea of how I should look, created when the sex-system has been activated and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly submit myself as to how and what I think that a male would like from me, which I believe is having sex – when actually it is what I want and project on the male, not knowing how else to connect with a male and on which level, because I have closed off from my self in that depth within me and so actually using sex as a default-way to connect with the depth of / within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically submit myself to how I think what a man would like, when actually I submit myself to the sex-system within a man activated that is even stronger in many cases than in women / females, however when and as I submit myself to my own believes and weakness within this – out of a starting-point of revenge of wanting to do / be better – I at the same time submit to and even strengthen the system within a male as well, with all the disastrous consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the male when all the while, I activate, underline, confirm and even strengthen the sex-system within a male by chasing after an idea, created within my own activated sex-system as a ‘way out’ of the misery / suppression within.
I commit myself to take responsibility for my own ideas, desires, activations within and as myself and the point of revenge / separation / judgement within this, created in and as the activated sex-system at teenage years – to be walked through in real time, step by step, breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness, as the only and ultimate correction in and through real time and to check, forgive and correct myself with the reference of the results that I see as reflections arising in my daily life.
I see within myself in certain area’s that I have patience naturally and in certain area’s, I do not have it, at all. Here when I look at the word ‘patience’, it is like a ‘patient‘ to me, as a word for someone who is ill in some way and then being placed under diagnoses of the medical circuit. Where in I do not like or use the word ‘patient’ eather, as in this, one is easily defined as one’s ‘illness’; where I see the ‘illness’ more as a dis-ease within the mind-being-body as a whole and so it doesnot define someone as a whole, it is a part of oneself, a disbalance created or carried within one’s genetics and then activated and lived out and so, one is responsible for it, however not defined by it.
So here one could say, that I did develop a healthy way of being patience, which is also due to my medical education that I started around my twenties in the area of natural medicine – so here I have trained and developed myself effectively.
In other area’s – mostly within communication and interaction within relationships – I can in moments easily become impatient. Here defined as the dictionary definition of ‘feeling passive or suffering’.
Let’s open up my default connection with the word patience, realizing that I do have a reference point of patience within myself and so I am able to define this word effectively in every area and from here, I need to practice and train myself to really live it, just as how I have developed ‘patience’ as a an expression with regards to considering our physical mind-being-body health in general. I just need to bring this in extension within the more intimate relationship with myself and/as another, more close to home so to speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like passive and suffering when and as I need to wait for an answer for a while, even if it is totally normal that the answer is coming later as the physical movement needs time, it can only go as fast as it goes and the physical pace is the norm that I require to follow, simply because I am a physical being and I live in a physical world, connected to all and everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with the physical pace, connected to myself as a physical being, this physical world and all and everything within it and instead, go into my mind and create a more faster pace that I then expect how things should go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually, place myself on an island within and as my mind, creating a pace for myself alone where in I move with the pace of my preferences and desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the pace of my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the pace of this physical existence as a whole and all and everything within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have patience with my self and my own physical pace and from here and out of uncomfortability, trying to ‘catch up’ with my own and/as another’s mind-pace and within this, forcing myself as another into a direction in/as the mind, instead of slowing down, forgiving what is coming up in my mind as desires, thoughts, expectations and what more and aligning to myself physically here, which probably will be supportive for another as well, because we simply all have difficulties to slow down and align with ourselves in our physical bodies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself on an island in/as my mind, to not let another in, to not let another support me especially within an intimate relationship because I am not comfortable with myself and my own physical pace when being around with others, as here I become nervous, restricted, focused outside and loosing touch with myself inside.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to probably from a childhood pattern of revenge, keeping another at distance and not allowing another – especially in an intimate relationship – the practical action of supporting me in area’s where I may need it or could use it, even if it is simply asking for time, space, being here with me, where in I then start using this as an excuse that ‘no one is supporting me (especially within an intimate relationship), not seeing, realizing and understanding that I simply give no room and space to be supported and stand by as I manifest myself as if ‘I can do it all by myself’ and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame every partner for not supporting me when all the while, it is me on my island, high and dry so to speak, using ‘not being supported’ as an excuse to not step into and beyond the comfort of what I know, into the unknown, with trial and error, saying ‘I also do not know it exactly but we have to find out along the way and I would like you to slow down with me and see what is here’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as ‘if I know what I want’ but all the while, staying at the surface and feeling constricted underneath, as an iron system manifested in and as my physical body, around my organs.
I commit myself to be and become patient with myself in walking step by step, deconstructing this iron or metallic system manifested around my organs, forgiving myself for my own created desires, expectations, idea’s, to let myself in so to speak and from here, to practice communication about where I am, what I would like or require to be / become more comfortable, gentle, soft, aligned with myself and within my physical body, to use what is here and who is here in my physical reality, as a self-supportive interaction for both / all involved and from here I will be patient and supportive with others as well in their physical pace and where they are and I commit myself to share and have fun, to use humor, to laugh along the way as one of the best ways to release inner restrictions and tension and become connected and aligned as well.
I commit myself to expand and embody the word patience in different area’s within myself, to be and become unwavering in every moment; standing here, one and equal with and as myself, in understanding of my mind, being and body connection in and as this physical realm as a whole, not judging my mistakes, not judging my pace and location but sharing, forgiving and laughing about it, realizing the effort it takes, realizing that certain things need to be walked through and from here, aligning and connecting with myself and one another in a way that supports myself, another and life as a whole.
I commit myself to allow myself to be vulnerable, when and as a moment is here and to allow myself be supported and allow another to support me, to be humble yet aware, in ways or area’s that I am not yet comfortable but on my way to open up for myself, within myself and I commit myself to support myself through and within the uncomfortable moments, to take a breath and see what is here within me to express.
I am going to have a look at the word strength. What does it mean to have strength, inner strength, to be ‘a strong woman’ and to accept this within oneself?
I have no or little guideline or structure in this I notice so let’s see with the writing if I can start creating such platform for myself. I am quite sure I misinterpret the word strength, although I know it is not about physical strength, then still I do have a picture coming up with what ‘a strong woman’ means in my (un- / subconscious) idea.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a strong woman as a woman who can stand her ground in this world and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the strength here projected outside myself as ‘who I am in this world’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding strength here as a presence within and as myself to push myself through energetic mind-patterns that I have accepted and allowed to integrate within and as my physical body and then limiting myself within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ever considered ‘strength’ as in inner quality that I use for myself to push beyond my limitations, because I actually do not really recognize it as limitations but more as a stated ‘this is who I am’ or stated situation as ‘how it is’ and so, I do not consider moving beyond it; not considering that there is something to move into, in and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question certain ‘who I am’ or ‘how it is’ as a limited creation / adaptation from within myself and so here not considering my own strength as well, cause if I do not see that and how I created it myself within acceptance and allowance, I also do not see / recognize my own strength or capacity to create.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize my own capacity to create, may it be in a limited way – the creation is still here but from a mind’s starting-point and so limited, however the mind on itself can not create but only with me within and so, the mind on itself can not be stronger than me, within and as myself, as I am the starting-point and starter of it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand myself as the staring-point and so as the strength within and as me to move, direct, create, express and change where needed.
I commit myself to, when and as I experience a fear coming up, to breathe, embrace the fear-energy and forgive the fear as me and from here and while doing so, bring the word strength back to myself, as a quality within and as myself, within the starting-point of who I am and can be, to move myself beyond limitations as ideas and experiences that I have created / copied in and as the mind as an outflow of fear – to move myself into the unknown as me as Life itself and with the support of a living word that I look for in the moment – may it be strength itself, may it be another word that is present in and as me.
I shortly have come to understand the word ‘borders’ (or bounderies) and what this means as self-support. Ofcourse to be expanded on. This word is often used, I have heard it many times before with regards to relationships in general. However I could not internalize it but only understand it as knowledge and information.
Recently I had a convo with Joe (which I truly recommend) and at some point, he mentioned the practical approach of placing borders as a clarity of what I accept and allow and what not (also in the very small/practical things). This did hit home as a practical tool to use and from here, I also started to see how within this, I am able to direct myself in interactions with others, without becoming, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed and what more, from what ‘another is doing’ and then not exactly knowing how to bring this in and so internally going into blame and resentment within my own mind, where I then eventually lock myself in and pull myself back.
What I see is that I completely loose myself in ‘not placing borders’ and from her, considering everything over and over again within my own mind. This in itself is not a bad thing, to consider all and everything, as it is a door to investigate new area’s in many ways and not get stuck within ‘what I already know’ and it enables to listen to another, however within this, I also easily loose sight on and suppress my natural self-border so to speak, as that from and as my beingness-integrity that is me.
It did become a whole personality of ‘being too nice’ and compromising myself within my physical body, without exactly seeing where and how I do this, how this happens, as the layering of blame had manifested around it and then I suppressed this as well because I did not like this part of myself and did not really understand how to take responsibility for this because actually this blame was in reaction of something outside myself that I did not know how to direct myself within.
So I firstly started to open up this blame dimension with the support of the Atlanteans serie on Blame (10 interviews) and from here, this point of borders did sink in and here I started to see this as the prevention for myself to go into blame, but also as a practical tool to be in a relationship (if and when this opportunity may open up in time to come). Because if and when I do stand and keep standing within myself, nice and warm within my own skin – as borders of what I accept and allow or simply in and as my self-will and self-integrity – I do not need to go into blame afterwards, cause I have already been clear within myself and enabling myself to express myself in a point. And vice versa; without already existing in a point of blame (build up through time when not investigated and forgiven), I do not need ‘to be nice’ to somehow ‘make up’ for my starting-point point of blame by ‘being nice’ and ‘wanted to be liked / to be good’, because I am already here, standing within and as myself, so no need to make myself feeling better or liked or ‘making up’ for something. So for example simply saying ‘no’ does then not ‘feel as a bad thing’ but more as an answer from within, that actually is then best for all as well, directly or eventually.
I do notice a difference within myself with regards to my self-will and placing borders in and as my self-expression, as if I now am more able to connect with myself as the starting-point. For sure there will be challenging situations to come with regards to self-will, borders, authenticity / genuineness and the construct of blame within , however it is like a turning-point within and as myself has happened to move forward from and the convo with Joe was a marker within this. I delayed this convo a few months, due to a lot of practical housing stuff that needed to be done last summer – so more focus and care on the outside, as how it suits with summer-time; however I see that I firstly needed to open up my inner darkness and the blame within, so that I could enter this convo in vulnerability and push myself to open up without fear, which lead to an enjoyable, warm and supportive two hours conversation. As the ‘self-harvest’ in autumn of what I have walked earlier this year – and all the years before ofcourse – investigate Desteni I Process.
Some self-forgiveness on what opens up after writing the blog:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘bind’ myself and / as my expression, to another in / as my mind, instead of placing clear bounderies within and as myself of who I am, who I want to be in what I accept and allow and what not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a different / default pathway, as if I take a ‘side-path’ and here connect myself and my expression to another, instead of walking forward in and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘being liked’ above ‘what I stand for’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a strong physical fear / nervousness as ‘pain’ within my body in the upper-corners of my intestines, as if I ‘am not allowed to cross these lines’ which I see as related ‘borders’ of limitation where I ‘better stay in’ without me knowing or being aware of what exactly these borders contain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I should not cross this pain’, and so staying and keeping myself in ‘fear of the pain’ as limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I do not know, see or am aware of what is beyond these ‘borders’, I should not go there because ‘there is nothing’ as ‘nothing that I know or can relate to’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience some excitement of moving myself beyond that limitation / these borders into the ‘unknown’ as nothingness and at the same time fear it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand borders as limitation as how I already had placed them within me to stop me from passing ‘what I already know’ and so, become kind of ‘borderless’ in that I do always see a possibility beyond a border or at least, understand where a limitation comes from and so kind of loosing myself within being borderless when at the same time, not being able to move myself beyond my own created borders in / as the mind.
When and as I see myself going into blame in and as myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that somewhere, somehow, I did not frame / border myself within myself and accepted and allowed myself to go into defaulted pathways in and as my mind and / or I did not express a border clearly towards my environment in and as my self-integrity and so, I commit myself to find where I missed my self-border as my self-integrity, to forgive myself for the consequences that I created from ignoring myself in my integrity and from here, finding my inner voice and practising to express myself clearly, towards myself and / or towards another.
I commit myself to define the experiences within and as the ‘pain-points’ in the upper-corner of my large intestine when and as they come up and to embrace and forgive myself in what I find and at least, when not yet able to define the experiences, just lay down, embrace myself and see what comes up within me and so layer for layer, piece by piece, bring myself back together, strengthening my self-trust as the foundation to move forward from.
I was looking at a point within me that I reacted within and at how to direct myself in it; or actually I was feeling quite desperate in how to direct myself in it. So I was in some kind of turmoil with back-chat coming up, me observing the inner movements for a moment.
At some point I asked myself the question: “Who do I want to be? (in it all)”.
This calmed me down and a clear answer came up within me of who I want to be within this specific point, as well inside myself as living it in my outside world. What I did see is that I never really asked myself the question in this way. It was mostly coming up as ‘what is best to do’ or ‘what should I do’ and I did see within this a ‘must’ or ‘should’ existing without considering my own self-will. Who do I want to be?
I was reading a blog afterwards from Carlton; he has these flowing blogs full of common sense, it reminds me of a very well speaking priest but then with words taken back to self – anyway, one sentence I laid my eye on: (…) if self-will is lost so is our will to live (because we’ve become so depressed about the way we feel) (…).
That did make sense to me and I see this as the missing within myself, my self-will being lost; actually if I am looking in my own writing here above, describing how this ‘who do I want to be’ first time coming up within me within awareness – actually never considering my self-will but considering so much other factors as the leading example of who I should be, what I must do, what is best etc. Here I did see my ‘will to live’ being lost – not giving into this and keeping on searching for ‘that more’, which eventually lead me to Desteni – however I did not yet before connect this to the lost of self-will.
Here to take into consideration that with self-will, I really mean SELF-will and not a mind-desire that I have channeled myself into as the leading factor. This immediately shows actually why and how it is that I lost my self-will, I lost myself within somewhere, somehow and channeled myself into many dimensions in/as my own mind consciousness system. It takes time to unravel all of it and discover my Self and Self-will.
With ‘I don’t want that’ I certainly do not mean the same as ‘I don’t feel like it’ – where the last is often used as an excuse to not do something that we experience resistance towards. As long as there are emotions and/or feelings involved and resistance is experienced, it is actually ‘the place where we must be’ and will ourselves towards the self-willed movement.
“You will will yourself” is one of Bernards quote’s I remember clearly. As moving into and as what is best for all will not come ‘naturally’ and so I need to will myself first and foremost to this point of self-will. Where the self and the will comes together with all the ‘selves’ in a way, as the life existing within each and every living being. If I do what is best for mySelf as Life, I do what is best for All Life. It’s One and Equal. That’s how I see it. I knew this in theory from the beginning of walking Desteni I Process, however being able to see it within and as myself takes time. I keep repeating this with every self-integration of a living principle that I write about, as I find this a very important difference. I start with something, somewhere that makes sense to me (often gathering the knowledge and information) and then I investigate it until I can see, word and live it one and equal, within and without. or even vice versa like I sense something within me that I can not yet explain and then with gathering the knowledge and information I can integrate it as some effective self-support. With Many phases here within.
These are only a few examples of the layers that I find within the words will, want and self-will. It is actually the same as with the layering of self-forgiveness that I do see deepening in understanding through time. I started with (8 years ago) really unraveling the format ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to’ where I was looking at ‘who is forgiving who?’ and investigating this until I did become more familiair with it. However also this morning a deeper dimension opened up – after opening up the self-will – of the application of self-forgiveness. Every time a little bit closer to self and self-understanding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my self-will in what I want and how can I consider another if I not even consider myself truly and deeply?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to look at the dark dimensions within me and so not coming to a real deep self-forgiveness and so not coming to self and self-will in who I really want to be within it all, considering it all within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself away from new perspectives and real consideration in and as self-will, by suppressing the dark side of the the moon so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that without the dark side of the moon, there is no full moon possible either as a whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to consider what another want without considering what I want in and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from ‘I should and I must’ instead of from ‘I will’ – here not to mean that I have something against the words ‘must and should’ as many thing do need to happen, if we want it or not, however I tend to use ‘I should and must’ as a replacement of ‘I will’ and so I never reach my self-will as long as I should and must from myself, where at the same time I become very exhausted from the force in should and must.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very exhausted from what I must and should, without reaching my will in and as self, where in I do sense myself and my will, however I keep circling around it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to circle around my self-will by avoiding the deep dark nasty things, not wanting to admit this to myself, thinking and believing that, feeling like ‘I do not have a right to exist anymore if I admit this to myself’ when actually it is the opposite and as long as I do not admit the dark within and as myself in it’s existence, this ‘I do not have a right to exist’ is what keeps moving me on deeper levels and so, I keep forcing myself in ‘I should and I must’ because I already ‘do not have a right to exist’ and so, I most ‘prove’ in a way that I am ‘exist-worth’.
I commit myself to consider, embrace, open up and self-forgive the dark side within and as myself, to while ongoing and eventually coming, to a point of self-attention, self-compassion and self-warmth, in who I am and where I am in my process and location-point in and towards self-responsibility, where from here, I will be much more willing and able to share this as myself with another and approaching another within and as the self as who they are and where they are in their process and location-point, considering me and them and us as a whole, in kindness and softness, yet firm and clear in what I accept and allow (Dutch) and what not, as who I want to be and become in every moment of breath.
Here my own self-commitment affects me, ‘using the words to work for me’ in what is possible – as another supportive suggestion from Bernard about how to write the self-commitments: “let the words work for you“.
Natuurgeneeskunde staat dicht bij de natuur, dicht bij het lichaam. Het is bijna 20 jaar geleden dat ik de studie natuurgeneeskunde afrondde en het vak op zichzelf – ‘natuurgeneeskunde’ – als vak binnen de overkoepelende noemer van ‘natuurgeneeskunde’ als gehele opleiding en benadering van het helen van het lichaam – vond ik fascinerend en tegelijkertijd kon ik het niet helemaal vatten. Ik zag de wetten, de waarheid maar kon het niet werkelijk eigen maken.
Nu 20 jaar later begin ik het tastbare van natuurgeneeskunde als vak op zich en het fysieke in de brede zin van het woord van de natuurgeneeskunde als geheel, langzaam eigen te maken. Het vak houdt onder meer de praktische toepassingen in zoals massage, koppen zetten, vasten, hydrotherapie, pakkingen, de leverreinigingskuur, klisma’s en ja, de braakkuur hebben we ook onderwezen gekregen en gepraktiseerd tijdens de vastenkuur. Al dat soort werkelijk lichamelijke toepassingen, enigszins ‘spartaans’ en dus niet zo snel geliefd bij het grote publiek – en zelfs niet bij het kleine publiek van enthousiaste studenten op de opleiding natuurgeneeskunde lol. Toch was het de richting die ik koos, samen met de hoofdvakken fytotherapie, voeding en iriscopie. (De twee andere te kiezen richtingen waren homeopathie en TCM/acupunctuur).
De basistheorie van natuurgeneeskunde en de fysieke wetten, is fascinerend en zo vol gezond verstand. Het werkt onder andere met het Reckeweg systeem waarin een klacht, zo niet op de juiste manier geheeld, onderduikt of onderdrukt wordt in het lichaam naar een diepere laag/fase. Zo zijn er drie oppervlakkige fasen die in de ‘vloeistoffen’ plaatsvindt en welke het meest eenvoudig zijn op te pakken en drie diepere fasen waarin het zich nestelt op cel niveau – en dus lastiger om waar te nemen en naar de oppervlakte te halen; denk bijvoorbeeld aan kanker, dit ontstaat niet over één nacht ijs. De natuurgeneeskunde als geheel, ondersteunt het lichaam om dit proces van binnen naar buiten als heling, zelf te kunnen uitvoeren. Alle middelen en aanpakken zijn er om hierin te ondersteunen; ieder op een verschillende wijze.
Het lijkt me dat dit eigenlijk logisch klinkt voor een ieder en dat het tevens klinkt als een enige, werkelijke en langdurige manier van heling/ondersteuning. Zo vol gezond verstand en praktische aanpak. Zo vol van begrip van en respect voor het lichaam als geheel en voor het aanwezige leven als geheel; zo Integer (hierin gelijk een beknopte herdefinitie van ‘integriteit’). Dit is de basis in mijn zienswijze die ik heb mogen ontvangen binnen een zesjarige studie, iets wat vrij onconventioneel is om dit binnen een opleidingssysteem in deze tijd te doorlopen. Ik zal er ongetwijfeld nog meer over uitweiden want het heeft mijn fascinatie en aandacht sindsdien, van binnen en van buiten.
Terug naar het tastbare en fysieke effect van de ietwat spartaanse / oncomfortabele aanpak van natuurgeneeskunde ansich en het aspect dat ik wil uitlichten. Het was tijdens een recente lever-galreiniging dat ik doorkreeg – 20 jaar na afstuderen! – hoezeer het aansluit op het tempo en de wetten van het fysieke leven en wat tevens de grote weerstand en kleine populariteit duidelijker maakt. Het vraagt namelijk Heel Veel Input van onszelf en vaak wat ongemakkelijke lichamelijke situaties om door te bewegen, zoals het klisma inbrengen, het turen in je ontlasting naar groene brokjes, het drinken van een kopje olijfolie, het vasten voor een halve dag en de vreselijke smaak van bitterzout met diarree tot gevolg. Wat ik hierin naar voren zag komen, is dat de toepassing van de natuurgeneeskunde heel duidelijk weergeeft waar het om gaat in het fysieke leven en waar onze focus nodig is en dat het niet ‘snel’ gaat. Echter het is zeer effectief! Indien grondig en op maat toegepast.
Hierbij een sitenoot dat de natuurgeneeskunde altijd individueel onderzoekt of een bepaalde aanpak passend en ondersteunend is voor een specifiek lichaam en wezen – niet iedere aanpak past bij ieder mens en indien niet goed afgestemd, kan het afdoen aan het welzijn en de fysieke gesteldheid, in plaats van dat het ondersteunt en heling bewerkstelligt.
Dit tastbare, de traagheid, de ongemakkelijke toepassingen, de fysieke handelingen, ik merk dat het mijn lichaam en mijzelf hierin, goed doet; het vertraagt me en maakt me kalmer en brengt rust in mijn lichaam. Het zet de dingen ‘op z’n plek’ als hoe een lichaam hoort te functioneren. Niet in één keer maar stap voor stap en binnen de fysieke mogelijkheden. Het werkt namelijk volgens de fysieke wetten en kent dus geen ‘wonderen’. Het is hard werken zogezegd. Tegelijkertijd brengt het mezelf in contact met mijn lichaam, met hoe mijn organen functioneren en zo vergroot het de intimiteit met mijn eigen lichaam en hierin is de oncomfortabele aanpak dus eigenlijk heel omvattend en zorgzaam. Niets is wat het lijkt.
Dit fysieke en tastbare dient zijn plaats in te nemen binnen het leven hier op aarde – het omvat en behoudt het leven als het ware. Zonder dit lichamelijke aspect, zou leven op aarde niet mogelijk zijn. Hoe we dan met zoveel weerstand hierin bestaan, dat zou op z’n minst vragen moeten oproepen binnen ieder van ons. Voor een opening in en begrip ten aanzien van deze weerstand binnenin onszelf raad ik Desteni I Process aan of de Eqafe-store. Dit is voor mij waar alles samenkomt en waardoor ik het fysieke, het tastbare van de natuurgeneeskunde op een dieper niveau kan gaan begrijpen en integreren. De natuurgeneeskunde zoals het van oudsher is doorgekomen bevat namelijk niet alle aspecten en antwoorden ten aanzien van de integratie van geest/mind, lichaam en wezenlijkheid en hoe we hier zo gekomen zijn met z’n allen. Echter vrijwel alles uit de natuurgeneeskunde is bruikbaar, ter ondersteuning van leven als geheel, aangezien het samenwerkt met de fysieke wetten.