Dag 791 – A mourning process and to Rise up

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A while ago I got the ‘advice’ (from myself / my own beingness actually) to take the time to mourn about a relationship ending. I did not really come to a mourning because I did not want it ‘to be over’ and if I go into a mourning, this would mean that it would be ‘over’. Besides this it concerns a difficult situation with many aspects that made it challenging to go into a mourning.

I did had made the step forwards to move on alone, due to the situation only becoming worse for both of us when staying together; however when already being into this situation, I was still refusing to really move through. So I did move myself into ‘what is best for me and both of us’ eventually, however when coming into the actual experiences coming up while walking this direction, I refused to really embrace it / myself in it and make peace with the current situation, holding on to ‘hope’ and future projections of ‘what if’.

When writing this blog I come into this ‘sinking feeling’ again of the sadness and ‘rediculessness’ of the situation. I will write more about it in relation to this situation  – and relationships in general  – with insights and realizations in time to come and what it all has to do with, what systems are involved that makes it so immens to walk through.

Firstly I would like to describe a change in the mourning process that I currently noticed within me.

I had a few activities last week sceduled in. There was a second course afternoon of the mandala-drawing related to the second chakra. I noticed sadness in relation to this ‘area’ and quietly started the drawing. I somehow expected a lot of sadness and messyness within me while drawing and visible within the drawing, however what I expressed on paper looked very harmonious, subtile, soft and almost ‘silent’; like ‘nothing wrong with me’. This supported me to stop a part of the ‘missing’ and to start redefining sexuality, sensuality into a more physical and fulfilling presence instead of an endless experience of  missing and desire, projected on a relationship with another (a process of redefining still to walk).

Then I started to go to a training, a sport-lesson in the new living environment (I changed house and environment). I used to go every week but did not go for 4 months while I was busy with all the moving and renovation of the house. I now have settled down a bit and found myself ready to pick it up; the physical labour became less heavy and I started really ‘missing’ the physical work-outs. I found a gym to start and try out some group-lessons and the first one I participated in was a power-yoga-lesson.

While doing this I noticed a stand coming through within me, a sort of physical stability and satisfaction that I come into within the lessons, due to how a training is set up. This I really like about the group-lessons. After this I went home and sit down to watch a part on tv of ‘the voice of Holland’ that probably everyone is familiar with. I will in a moment describe why I like watching this ‘program’.

It was still in the first rounds. There was a lady coming up, she had introduced herself as that she had moved through a difficult period of many trials and errors and now becoming more present and satisfied within herself. She came up and just stand there, focussed on herself and waiting for the music and when the music started, she started the singing. She did barely nothing more than standing there quite ‘silently’ with regards to her body and only…….singing. It was overwhelming ‘good’ and especially authentic, staying close to herself and it was the song ‘Rise up’ so very suitable to what she described as her situation.

(First link is the record of the song that I speak about and second link the original song with text).

I was sitting and watching and tears rolling over my face and noticing – through that lady and the song – the strength of the decision to ‘rise up’. Here I noticed how a rising up of one (this lady in this case), can be an example for another (me in this case) to do the same, to rise up in our own unique way. It would actually be a waste to not do this, to hold back, because then what we resonate is a ‘holding back’ and so another will pick this up as well and this is not an example that one potentially would like to resonate as what is best for all.

This example describes why I watch a program like the voice of Holland as I enjoy and find it valuable to see (a part of) one’s potential, one-self coming through, in this case within the expression of singing.

I hold this song, the title and the physical experience within me the days after and I noticed a change within me. Where I before was moving through the days within a drowning feeling, I now was able to carefully see a glimpse  ‘beyond it’. It does not ‘end’ with this drowning or sinking, there is more beyond. It was not so that I wanted to ‘give it all up’ before. I did had / have created enough basic foundation for myself in the past 7 years to already ‘know’ that there is more and at the same time, I did come in such a nice living environment in many ways that this is as a ‘soft bed’ for me, catching me while going through the mourning. However the sinking feeling was with me for weeks, every day again, without me knowing where or how it would decrease and still it is with me in a way. But it changed. It is like walking through and awakening from a nightmare; from a dark night and dark nights on end.

I noticed that ‘not living the best of me’ has many aspects involved of why I am not (yet) doing this, however a main aspect that I see is that it is somehow based on revenge. Revenge of the ego. We often and mostly focus on all the deeply saddening reasons, circomstances, influences and what more, however in every situation (if and when certain basics – food, roof, physical care and support – are covered) there comes a time where we are able to stand up and move towards the best version of ourself and if not, it is based on blame, revenge, resentment, no matter how much ‘fear’ is involved. And this is what I noticed within myself: not moving myself forwards, not ‘rising up’ is revenge in itself.

Note: how and where and why we developped it like this, is individual and personal for every one and it takes a process to move ourself through all the painfull, perhaps horryfic and abusive memories, situations, upbringings, circomstances etc etc. so to not baggetalize all the inner and outer horrors in the world, as it is an ‘accumulated nightmare’ in a way as how we have accepted and allowed ourself and this world to be and become.

What I found as well in this mourning process is a start, a decision to start with living words. I am already longer looking at this however I could not get a grip on it of where and how to start that did make sense to me – meaning not from a starting-point of ‘knowledge and information’ as this is ‘not making sense to me’ because it doesnot really integrate and keeps on in that way. I noticed that it first needed to become ‘empty’ in a way within me with actually the only possibility left to recreate and fulfill myself through the start of….living words.

What really supports me in this is to combine it with physical, tangable actions or examples, like how I write here, this can be a song or a training or a drawing. This gives more body and makes it easier for me to ‘embody’ it at the same time while redefining and even finding the words within and while the physical action or example takes place. A whole process ahead, to open up and explore with many options possible to combine it with and bring it into expression, within and as myself and my life.

When we find it in us, let’s Rise up. For the ‘you’ as ourself as Life as a whole. A thousand times. Until we Stand.

To be continued – thanks for reading.

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PS directly after finalizing this blog my laptop crashed. For more context to process visit:

Desteni.org

Desteniiprocess.com/courses

Eqafe.com


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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

 

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Dag 789 – Back to writing!

I saw my last blog was from 11 may so that is …… 5 months ago! I missed it and I missed ‘myself in the writing’.

In between a lot of changes have taken place and one of them is moving to another house – as also the reason for this ‘break’ within the writings. A beautiful place where I would like to stay and settle in. Now what to write about? There is much to reflect back on. Often when I travel to work in the morning there is almost a ‘whole blog’ coming up within me lol but when sitting down for it, it is different many times. I have learned that by just sitting down and starting the writing and keep on doing this, there will be enough to write about.

I will keep it simple this ‘first’ blog and reflect back on the process of changing houses. When I started the Desteni I Process 7 years ago, one year later I also changed the house and took a break from writing. I do remember that period as more stressful than this time changing, altough the house that I live in now, asks for a lot more work than the previous one. This is a proof for myself that I did become more stable inside myself through these 6 years and I am content with this. I certainly suggest to investigate what the Desteni I Process entails as this process is a guideline to develop this stability inside self.

There was one moment where I felt like I ‘lost’ it and it took me some days to stabilize again. I find it actually a ‘strange’ thing to so much get out of balance from. I am someone who is good at organizing and planning and that is then what I do. I look ahead in time and make sure that I do scedule enough time to plan the activities. It was a process that would take a few months and combined with work for a living as well, so I know here for myself that I need to make a ‘wide’ scedule, meaning taking enough time for each activity and not scedule too much after each other in one day. This is how I function best without going ‘over my top’. So I did and everything went very well.

There were 2 activities that I needed to outcourse and one of these tasks was putting in the venyl floors in the 3 rooms on the second floor. So I sceduled this as well 5 days before I would move all the stuff from the old to the new house and as much as possible after the painting. I was prepaired and all, staying over for one night in the new house, waiting for them to come somewhere in morning/afternoon that day. They confirmed with an sms to come and so everything seemed ‘on scedule’.

But they did not come! I called their helpdesk, waiting 20 min before I got someone on the line, where I heared that the upholsterer did put down the work that morning and did not come at all. But they forgat to inform me as well and sceduled a moment 3 weeks later without discussing this with me. And here I locked down and could not comprehend that the floors were not coming that day.

It was like my whole scedule went down and as if everything that I planned and organized and put into labour, did not make sense anymore because of this. Practically it meant that we (me and the ones helping me with moving the stuff) needed to put in everything into the rooms while moving, that I let it in boxes and unpacked for 2,5 weeks, that I then take it out and place as much as possible in the bathroom and move the rest from room to room while the upholsterer is busy and put it all back again. It means a day more work and some uncomfortable living for a few weeks but it’s not like ‘the whole world comes down’. It would be alright a few weeks later and I knew this. But still it swept me off my feet for a few days. I did not expect such thing to happen, actually I did arrange to do it this way; to outcourse this task so that I did not need to worry about that one thing! And it perhaps has to do with this suddenness and unexpectedness that it ‘took me over’ for a while. But let’s see within the self-forgiveness what opens up about it in the next blog.

What is Process? – Back to Basics


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

Dag 788 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of neutrality

For context see Dag 787 – The experience of neutrality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try to keep and/or bring myself back to a state, an experience of neutrality as ‘everything will be alright’ within and as myself and everytime that some internal or external stimulus is triggering me, I am reacting within an experience of fear and so, keeping myself in a constant experience of fear, for being moved out this state of neutrality as ‘the me that I feel confortably in’ or, an experience of fear when I have moved out of this state because of reacting to an internal or external stimulus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually not in one moment, be relaxed in and as myself, in and as my physical body but constantly existing in an experience or almost state of fear or anxiety of ‘not being who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then use this as an enslavement to adrenaline, in and as my mind consciousness system, to continuously generate energy within me, by existing in and as an experience or state of fear or anxiety and from here, looking for acceptance as and experience of ‘love’ as the opposite of fear, when this experience is then only enlarging the experience of fear, because I can loose this experience as well, as long as it is not based in and as self-acceptance of who I am, who I have become and within the commitment of doing the best I can to move myself and the relationships I participate in, to an outcome that is best for myself and others in and as ‘life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite lost in this experience or state of fear and circling in and around it within and as myself, in a constant experience of ‘being in a hurry’ and ‘feeling not good enough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of fear and so keeping myself inable to look at the fear and start seeing it for what it is, so that I can support myself to ground myself in and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change something, myself and the relationships internal and external, while I am still coming from this startingpoint as inner experience or state of fear (of loosing this neutral experience actually as that I feel confortably in) and so the outcome of my attempts, is still resonating fear, instead of direct seeing in common sense.

So here I realize that to be able change, I need to be willing to give up this experience of neutrality within and as me, otherwise I am only walking in cycles in and as fear – from fear to a moment of comfortability which still contains a fear in it as fear of loosing this comfortability again – and so, keeping myself prissoned in this experience or state.

I commit myself to, when and as an experience of fear is coming up, to not react in fear but to support myself in looking at the fear, by looking at the energy and seeing how it moves within my body, by recognizing it as ‘fear’ instead of reacting to it, where from here I can see if I can more specificely define how I really experience myself within and as this ‘fear’, if there are other emotions or even feelings related, as a start to ground myself within where and who I am in this moment.

I commit myself to stand by and with myself in this process, to make peace with the uncomfortability, the misalignments, the friction, the mistakes, the hesitations, resistances, dissatisfactions coming up within me, as a part of moving myself towards an alignment in who I am deep inside as a being and who I only can be in this physical reality, if I as this being am moving myself to come through within and as my physical body, by walking through all the discomforts and frictions that I have accepted and allowed within and as myself to exist, in and as this experience of neutrality that holds the fear ‘dormant’ and so myself within and to keep walking and moving, altough I may ‘not want it’ in many moments.

I commit myself to be gentle with myself in this process, as in gentle but firm, as in understanding yet moving through, step by step, breath by breath and to do take moments in between to relatively ‘relax’ as in doing things that I like.

To be continued

What is Process? – Back to Basics


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 787 – The experience of neutrality

(…)

“And so – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all my relationship-experiences to be defined within/as the categories of either “positive/negative/neutral” all of which originate from the starting-point of “experience” as I “experience” positivity/negativity/neutrality – when in/as substance as equality and oneness, my standing With all as me is not based within experience or categorized within positivity/neutrality/negativity because I in fact Am all as me in equality and oneness, which is not an “experience” it’s a living/beingness standing. In this, I have accepted and allowed myself to create/manifest my relationship-lines within/as energy as “experience” to/towards all as me as either “positive/negative/neutral”. Equal-to and One-with the World-System as Money’s relationship to/towards humanity – categorized within experiences / as living physical experiences of human beings with the “Positive” as those with the most Money/more than they require, “Neutral” as those of humanity that live comfortably with Money that have enough and “Negative” as those of humanity with little to no money at all.”

(…)

From: Day 6: How did we Create Relationships of Positivity/Neutrality?Negativity?

I am noticing within myself how I am constantly trying to bring myself in a ‘state’ of neutral energy, that where I feel ‘comfortable’ in and safe and relaxed in a way. That experience that I ‘know’ as ‘everything will be alright’. And I am doing this automatically, so I am/was not really aware that I am/was doing this. I did notice how I was everytime again trying to move myself to this state and then relax for a moment, thinking and believing that this is where I ‘need to be’ but I was not aware of the fact that this ‘state’ is not ‘who I am’ or should be or where I should be. It is merely creating an experience of constant fear within me; fear of loosing this state of experience and reacting to all and everything that is interrupting this energetic state.

I recognize this as the ‘neutral’ energy state that Heaven’s Journey to Life has written blogs about in the beginning. A neutral state that we all create within our subconscious mind and related to family and how we grow up – well from what I understand of it in a simple way. So it is not the ‘neutral’ of ‘being here’ and not reacting, but actually an energetic state between the positive and negative that ‘seems’ like ‘this is me’. But this is really to question and merely something I move around subconsciously (and from what I now realize while reading the blog of Day 6 – related to how I grow up living comfortably with having enough money to live from – interesting).

I found this a very interesting realization, because it gives a tool for myself to stop the constant experience of fear. What I notice in this realization, is that I do not need to react to so many things in a subtile way and that I do not need to live in an experience of constant fear, if I stop trying to attain this neutral energetic state; then actually all these outer and inner stimuli, do not need to disturb me. Because I do not have to ‘loose’ anything or ‘try to go somewhere’ and this creates much more space to look into myself and into the stimuli and how to move myself within this all.

I notice here that I choose to use the word ‘move myself’ instead of ‘direct myself’ and that I experience resistance on the word ‘directing’ so that is something to investigate within/for myself.

This realization doesnot mean that everything is now solved (and also this does not mean that ‘I can live without money’ or something because we all in this world as how it exists today, need the money to create a life for ourselves and each other), altough this seems so for a moment when this realization takes place. I now have to actively apply myself according to this realization and remember myself for doing so and then moving through the more challenging moments.

In the next blog I will write some self-forgiveness on this and here already some self-forgiveness with a link to the blog of Day 6 in Heaven’s Journey to Life.

(…)

“And so – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the continuation of such relationships of positivity/neutrality/negativity throughout my existence without change – because when/as I would change such relationships, I have come to believe that who I am will cease exist, not realising/seeing/understanding that the illusion of me as Energy will cease to exist – but who I am as substance/equality and oneness remains/is here and always has been here. But I have separated myself from me as substance/equality and oneness to such an extent, that I have come to believe that all I am is Energy/Experience, and so continued existing as this belief and continued my relationships of positivity/neutrality/negativity to/towards all that is me to ensure my continued survival as the Energy/Experience I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become.

(…)

From: Day 6: How did we Create Relationships of Positivity/Neutrality?Negativity?


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Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 784 – Depression and attention

Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

Dag 782 – The experience of depression opening up

I am now ready to have a look at what is described in the video about depression by Bernard Poolman. It is a ‘strong’ and radical approach of what depression entails – if not created by chemical disbalanscoming forward out of lack of nutrition, which then gives  physical heaviness that we create an idea about that can be experienced as depression. In this I see that this is one experience that I have had many times, coming forward out of a physical stagnation and disbalans within my intestines,which in itself is again having a factor of the mind-consciousness-system in it and containing certain mind-patterns and self-beliefs, from myself and/or generations before, that I then have internalized.

This experience of physical heaviness, I learned to recognize and see that it is indeed not really a depression that I am dealing with but mind-states and physical disbalances that need my attention. Actually it has been the entry-point for me to walk the Desteni-I-Process. Entry-point meaning, the point where in I recognized the Desteni material as essential and wholesome, to start to understand the real and individual, internal mind-being-body relationship. (where in this is then again related to how we as humanity have accepted,  allowed and created this world as how it exists today).

There is also an aspect that is described in this video that I do recognize within myself and that perhaps is again related to creating at first this internalized mind-patterns that then is having an effect on my physical body. So really spiraling myself (locked) inwards in a way, instead of expressing myself in and as life, outwards.

I do have an example where in I recognize the statement in this video that “depression is an attempt to gain attention and so, an attempt to try to control outcomes, related to the view that something else or someone else is responsible to make me happy”. And, what I do see it starting with more consious at the age of 16 , is “a form of self-judgement taking place during the proces of depression (from a conversation happening within as a feeling, idea, self-talk or physial movement internalizing”).

For now I take out the example that I do recognize as an attempt to gain attention, which I do see related in the situation that I wrote many blogs about, where I have been pregnant for a few weeks at the age of 27 (before the abortion took place). Here in I remember a moment where I was laying on a cough alone in my room, and sinking in within an experience of depression and a fear of having a post-natale depression. And this was related to me being pregnant in this early state of a relationship, from someone I did not particularly want to be with and then having the fear that by having a child, I would not have the time or possibility to ‘find that particularly one’.

This is really what was actually going on within myself and which has been part of my decision to have an abortion, where before, I deep within me – as how I experienced it as ‘deep within my heart – I wanted to let this baby be born. (Within the whole blog-serie I have written out all other aspects that I see related to this decision making).

Basicely what I have done, is that I have ‘controled the outcome’ by stopping the pregnancy and moving on with my life as how I knew it. During that time, I did not have the tools and self-support to recognize this experience of depression as ‘an attempt to control the outcome’. I do not say, again, that this decision was ‘wrong’ and seeing the circomstances and my inner state and possibilities in that time, it may have been the best to do, as I was not able to take responsibility for what I would pass through to the child, where in I was aware that I would pass through certain patterns that I was not yet able to direct myself in and as and that I was not satisfied about, at all, but still existing within a point of blame. However, it is certainly a factor for myself here to recognize and admit, and see the banality of what is behind this decision making during that time. Banality not meaning judgemental but ‘for what it is’.

Simply said, I did not have the self-mastership to be happy with myself in any given situation, and “holding others responsible for making me happy” (which I projected on searching for an intimate partner / relationship). And this is exactly what I deeply experienced like ‘how can I be an example for a child to live and be happy and satisfied with oneself, if I am not having find this within and as myself?’. I would then automatically expect the child ‘to make me happy’ or start living the mechanism to hide this, and so ‘keeping distance’. Which I both did not see as an option to live out and as I said, not yet having the tools to support myself in this effectively.

And this is what I can make peace with within and as myself. I truly did not yet have the tools, the information and self-direction to move myself towards this and so, I would not have given the child an example of what I very deep within, did see as a potential, as my potential, of what I now can describe as learning what it means to live from a starting-point of self-responsibility and practising this.

So here, an experience of depression can be a guideline and signal for myself, for ourself, that I am not yet moving within and from a point of self-mastery. Not to be harsh on myself but to actually, come closer towards myself, to become more self-intimate within and towards self-honesty and looking directly at the banality of the points and experiences within myself. This partly exist within self-interest within and as feelings, emotions, experiences, ideas, expectations but contain as well an essence of myself in it; the one that I can ‘free’ and bring into self-expression, once that I have pulled of the layers off and while pulling off this layers, of all these inner dialoges, experiences, ideas, expectations, etc. Still, the most effective way for me is and has been writing it out within the application of self-forgiveness.

Thanks for reading, so far for today.

Disclaimer: this blog contains an individual path walked and can not be used as a medical advise. When one is struggling with a form of depression that one is not able to handle, I recommend to reach out for specilized support.


Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 782 – The experience of depression opening up

Continuing on Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

(…)

After my twenties I started to bring down the going out and alcohol intake, up to now very rarely drinking a glass of wine. However with doing so, I had many years where I needed to find other ways to ‘relax from myself’ in a way and to for a moment ‘let go’. Which I must say, I did not really succeed in for quite some years. And so I did experience quite some moments of heaviness during my thirties.

If I look now at this ‘heaviness’, the first word that comes up in me related to this experience is ‘self-conscious’.

Like being too self-conscious, too conscious of myself, in what I say or not say, do or not do. Like I have locked myself in within my own consciousness focussed on my self and feeling ‘stuck’ in this, like a rabbit freezing in the light of a car. And this is what I could let go for a moment with going out and using some alcohol and hanging around, laughing and speaking with friends or dancing.

During my high-school years I had a best friend, and I went to her almost every day and with her I speaked about what was bothering me and she always sheered me up and supported me to relevate and when going back home, I felt better. But when getting older, everyone started to ‘build their own life’ and creating families and so the friendships were less shared and only coming together by ‘appointment’. And these years between 25-35, I have experienced the most struggling within myself because I could not really get up with the natural life-path of creating a family. And many of my ‘friends’ started to get involved in relationships and creating a family, where I could not relate to them so much anymore and I started to ‘feel better’ alone by myself or with others who walked a bit of a uncommon path.

Within this period I have learned to not scare as ‘resist’ the periods of depression and emotions coming up. I lived in a beautiful area within nature and with many birds outside around and I found peace and sense in a more nature-connected way of living. I noticed that a depression – the ‘experienced one’ as how I describe in my previous blog and not the clinical/physical ingrained one – is passing by. And this goes best if I am not running away for this experience, but ‘letting it in’ and investigate what is involved. It seems and feels like it goes on forever, but I have learned that it passes by and when and as I feel that it is pulling me down too much, I will ask for support.

The most frightening experiemnce in it I find that ‘I do not like anything anymore’. I have been in a period where I find I was drowning too much in a sadness and ‘not liking anything anymore’, where I went out for support – during that days I went to a couple who worked with series of Dutch flower remedies – and the lady simply said to me, without pointing it out too much but more in between other things that she was looking had – that I needed to find what I did like before and the way in which she mentioned this, immediately made me taking this in as something that is here and that I need to pick up. So not in a way of questioning it, like ‘is there anything that you like?’; but without any doubt or questioning within so as ‘data’, as something that is here. So she brought me back here actually and I immediately could find some simple things that I like.

When writing this, an experience is coming up of loosing myself, loosing control in a way over myself so I see that this experience that I had during using extacy (described in the previous blog), is still existing within me. It is like I access it while writing about this subject, which indicates for me that it is here to open up; I brought it here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like loosing control, loosing myself, as if I am not able to direct myself but that I need to follow this experience and as if I ‘need’ to loose myself to find myself, which may be true, however I do have the ability to direct myself with words, with actions, with being here in my body and so I do not need to stay and drown in this directlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need another to get me out of my own consciousness and at the same time, feel like I loose my directlessness when and as I am with others, which then in a way is a ‘lock in‘ from myself in my own mind consciousness system in a way that I did not see before as so ‘severe’ as so pertinent present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen, realized and understand the severity of my own mind-consciousness system and the lock in of myself in it, where I did understand the severity due to how the world exists today and also how we each contribute and are part of it; however really seeing it within and as myself is a different story as I easily avoid to see how it really exists within and as me.

I also see another situation coming forward where I feared to experience a depression. It was when I was pregnant (before the abortion, see blog-serie) and here I feared a post-natale depression. Sylvie brought up that the experience of ‘depression’ may be related to attention more than to control. I will look into this for myself and how it is related, as it seems to be related to a fear of loosing attention in future periods. What I more and more start seeing within myself (so from knowledge and information towards seeing it existing within and as myself), is how the ‘attention’ and energy within this, is in essence related to money and/or sexuality in/as the mind and the question and opportunity within this (of how) to move beyond this, into ‘myself’ and towards and into self-expression.

This experience slowly opens up more and is still existing within me, so cool that I am bringing the topic here.

To be continued.

 


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

I have started the topic of depression in a vlog and want to share how I have experienced this in my life and how I supported myself through these experiences during that time. In this blog, I will start writing out some background information how I have experienced the ‘depression’ in my life.

I will start with an example of what I have seen as the difference between a clinical form of depression, where in one is unable to get out by oneself without any medical and specialized support and the ‘depression’ as phases in life where in one is still able to function, communicate, take care of oneself and finding ways of self-support, but more experienceing oneself as without any life-motivation and joy, which is as I see now, still present but more internalized and suppressed.  It is all based on my own experiences and so not absolute in when it is time to get support, as this is something that needs to be approached individual, however with describing my experiences, it may support to find some reference points in this.

I have seen myself going into being more ‘self-conscious’ and struggling with internal experiences and issues from the age of 13 and 16 – yet I am busy walking this within myself so I leave this for now. What I do see as a ‘severe’ form of depression coming up, was after I have used some extacy. It was the first time and last time for me, somewhere around my twenties. A group of friends planned to use this and initially I should not be with them, as I did already see in myself that it was not really something for me to try out. However an appointment that I had planned was canceled and so I choose to join them.

Why I mention that ‘it is not for me’, is that I did see a fear within me to ‘get stuck’ in it and ‘keep hanging’ in an effect of using extacy. However I did join because I did not want to be alone at home after my appointment was canceled – also not the best starting-point to join in.

We were at the home of a friend and all taking half or even quart of the extacy pil that someone of the group had picked up via some contacts. After about an hour, I felt like ‘cold blood’ in my arms, which for me actually is an indication that I had taken too much. I had a few moments of this ‘bliss’ or joy that I saw every one else going into and that is ‘common’ for using extacy, however my main experience was that of almost loosing control and seeing bad things happening in my imagination, like a car accident. Someone had mentioned that if one had a ‘bad experience’, one should start walking rounds. And so I did, together with one other friend who did not had much of an influence of this extasy. And this ‘saved’ me in a way; every time I felt like loosing control, we walked rounds from room to room, until this experience faded.

Next day I was working (dishes in a kitchen of a restaurant) and here from time to time, a very deep experience of depression came over me, altered with a few moments of this ‘joy’ as how I assumed it should be. In these moments of severe depression, I could barely focus on anything. I remember someone was showing me some earrings and I was focussing on watching the earrings as a way to keep myself together. It luckily only came up for 15 minutes and then faded away. If this would have taken longer, I don’t know how I would have come through. However it did not and so I was able to move through.  It seems like a disbalance or ‘drop down’ of serotonine and after a few days these moments stopped with only the firss day being so severe.

If this is what a clinical depression is experienced as, I can fully admit that in this, one is not able to function or come out of bed. I have not ever again experienced such heavy ‘shut down’ almost of myself. In my horoscope I did understand later, that there is some disposition for clinical depression, however because of where my moon is standing strong in the horoscope, I am and have been able to endure through the ‘heavy’ or dark times.

I did keep a fear for depression after this, where for example I did rarely smoke marihuana – which I also did not really like – I experienced a slightly same ‘loss of control’ and becoming more focussed on my own mind, so this substance was not for me eather to use. I did go out a lot during that days and the only substance I did do ‘well’ on and that I used to ‘let go’ in a way from being so self-conscious, was alcohol.

After my twenties I started to bring down the going out and alcohol intake, up to now very rarely drinking a glass of wine. However with doing so, I had many years where I needed to find other ways to ‘relax from myself’ in a way and to for a moment ‘let go’. Which I must say, I did not really succeed in for quite some years. And so I did experience quite some moments of heaviness during my thirties.

I will continue with this in my next blog.

In the links above in the text, you will find some interviews for self-support with regards to the experience of depression and if one place ‘depression’ in the search-area of Eqafe, there is more coming forward. Be sure to have medical/professional support (as much as is possible) when you see this is needed.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive