Dag 756 – Gentle – being it or living it?

In the morning I usually look into myself how I wake up that day, I describe it for myself and then I see with what word I can support myself in that day. I have noticed that I am able to keep myself more stable throughout the day if I do start with a word in the morning to live. I tend to forget the word during the day, but even then – I then in moments look it up where I have written it down – I am still more stable within this day. So I keep doing this, as a start to learn to direct myself with the support of living words.

Last week in the end of the day, I was in a conversation that did not go so smooth. I was trying to bring forward some points of responsibility and another was sort of resisting this and bringing up distractions, what I then started to react to. This went on for a while and in a certain moment I remembered myself, ‘okay, what is the word that I picked this morning?’ I luckily! did remember the word: gentle.

So in that situation, I realized that gentle is what I need to bring forward and be here and integrate and I immediately could embody this in this interaction. This gave an immediate release for myself, as I here remembered also that I did not need to be so ‘strict’ and that I better be gentle and see where we are each standing in our ‘life-process’ in general. So this word did support me to slow down and be more gentle. I picked it up as being more gentle towards another where it then had/has the result that I am also more gentle within myself, because within doing so, my own reactions will stop and so, I am much more gentle towards myself as well. So in this context it works two ways, what I bring forward towards another, has an effect on myself as well and what I bring forward within/as myself, has an effect on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle from the start within a conversation and within this, bringing up reactions within myself and/as another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a living word as ‘gentle’ in the morning to infact be gentle and not being gentle in and as myself as a starting-point in the conversation that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to push a point through within another, instead of pushing myself through my own reactions and to be gentle in and as doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider to be gentle at first and actually want a point of responsibility to immediately be clear without having any strubbeling or resonances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle to in a way ‘protect’ myself against the effect that the strubbeling/struggle and resonances have on me and against the reactions coming up from here within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and as I am gentle, things will never be understood or clear and also that when and asI am gentle, people will walk over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be gentle because ‘people are also not gentle with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought stored within and as me that ‘people are not gentle with me’ without conscious having any relevant memory linked to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘people to be gentle with me’ but not doing this myself, as well inside as outside or, I do as if I am gentle but at the same time, experiencing reactions within me and so not being gentle with/as myself towards myself and feeling like I am ‘lying’ as well towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really and always want to be gentle and to not like to be tough or hard or rude, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am or can be hard, rude and tough and forget about being gentle in moments that it matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that gentleness does not have any ‘borders’ and so, nothing will be a accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I/we need ‘borders’ and if we do not have them, the borders will be crossed, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘having borders’ menas automatically that they can be ‘crossed’ and so, more practical is to investigate what borders I have created in/as my mind that I feel ‘walked over’ within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘be’ gentle instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can ‘live’ gentle in and as myself, without neceserrally being it as if I have no choice in this.

I realize that I can in this way, move or direct myself into a word and live this as a decision in that moment that I see is best as direction for all in this moment/situation which includes myself or best as direction for myself, which then incudes all selves.

I realize now that by ‘always wanting to be gentle’, I take away my directive power in and as myself, meaning, I take away the decision to live a certain word/quality and so, I disempower myself in this because I then would not be able to live a different word that may be needed in a certain moment or situation and so I am actually ‘being stuck in gentleness’ when this may not be the best way to create a certain outcome, where my starting-point is then already one of disempowerment and so the outcome will disempower me as my directive decision and if I disempower me in this directiveness in and as myself, I disempower another in his/her directiveness as well and so, I enlarge the resistance because, who wants to feel disempowered?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by ‘wanting to be always gentle’, actually create the polarity within me as well as ‘not being gentle’ as protection-mechanism, to protect in fact my own illusion of gentleness.

To be continued.

School of Ultimate Living


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Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 755 – Hidden expectations

I was reading the blog of Creation’s Journey to Life called ‘Relationship-Agreements and the Cutting Edge of Time’ that passed by on my facebook and after this, I could come to an insight on something that I am already longer looking at within myself.

The blog is about relationships and how we in this, come to the challenge of facing ourselves on a difficult point of what we expect within this relationship from another and that then is not going in a way we ‘had in mind’ as a picture, as something that is fulfilling our desires – within the blog this is explained as our masturbation secret life (read the blog for context).

It is easy to see this in situations from others and that that are directly related to sexual/physical intimicy and expectations within this. However, I was now looking within myself and asking myself, where am I doing this; where do I live within an expectation to fulfill my ‘masturbation secret life’? As I do not have pictures within myself while masturbating for example and only had a few in the past that I stopped participating in for many years.

Then in a moment I saw how I am living within an expectation of a relationship in general that eventually lead to ‘me having a good feeling’ or ‘me being comfortable’ or ‘me not experiencing any fear or conflict’ and that then actually will lead to….the possibility to fastly and easily come to a sexual/physical intimicy – and so it is actually and definitely related to the fulfilment of my ‘masturbation secret life’.

My expectation is thus not directly related to sexual/physical intimicy but more to how a communication and interaction should take place as for example ‘without any conflict’ and within the expectation that both should be able to directly and self-honestly look into patterns and programmings or tonations and reactions coming up, without projecting and blaming this onto/towards another. Haha wow, that is some expectation.

And the ‘best part’ of it, is that I used this as if I can expect this because in the end, ‘this is what is best for all’. This is a beautiful example of how I in/as the mind (and so many of us) have the tendency to use principles that are best for all, as an excuse to protect a point of self-interest and so, not standing within the principle of equality and oneness, which in this case means that I see where I and another; where we are within our process, so self-honestly see into what my and another’s location-point is and from here, stand equal and one within understanding and forgiveness, towards self and another within and as this location-point.

I did see consciously and within knowledge and information that this is not a realistic expectation, due to where we are in our process and I was in conflict with and within myself and in my relationship as well. It felt more or less like ‘being stuck’ within this conflictual inner expectations, that then are leading to experiences of desperation and wanting to give up.

My buddy had mentioned once, already months ago, that I should accept another/a parner at where he is (and so me also in where I am within walking a relationship-agreement), otherwise I would start resisting another/him (and so parts of myself). In that moment I knew that something of value is being said that I needed to integrate within/as myself, otherwise I would indeed going into a (suppressed/hidden) resistance towards another. However I could not really see where I was fueling this resistance within myself on a subtile level.

I now did see how I had challenged this point in my partner (not because I wanted ‘to challenge him’ but because I challenged myself to stand up in a point for myself, which then equally resulted in a challenging point for the ‘sparring-partner’) which had given reactions and I was ‘reacting to this reactions’ within myself.

After reading the above mentioned blog, I was able to define what had happened in this challenge and now also understood much better what a huge challenge it actually was and is to face and walk through. So because I now can define it as a general point that we all will face within a relationship, I am able to challenge myself to look into this for myself as well and here I find my own point of my ‘masturabtion secret life’. That of course, is already for so much longer existing within myself and bothering me and  I could not come into peace with it because, I did not firstly define it for what it is that I am dealing with.

This is now the moment of realization and from here it is the challenge to bring it into practical living. I use the word ‘challenge’ a lot here, which is quite cool as I also started to open up this word for myself as how I started to describe in a previous blog and I hear it coming back in interviews as well.

After walking this years of process of the writing and speaking of self-forgiveness, the beauty of it comes through in moments like this, where a whole point can open up in one moment, within a self-understanding and then understanding of others involved as well. The situation is then understood (and so forgiven) for/as myself as another and so I would say, I am ready to walk this point into a more effective way of living and interaction, for myself and others as well. Let’s see how I do from here!


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Uil forgive

Dag 753 – Opening up the word ‘challenge’

I have noticed within myself that I ‘do not like’ challenges; well, challenges that I see as challenges, for example in social context. The word challenge in itself I also do not like, I would prefer to skipp it from my vocabulaire lol which then indicates that I would like to skipp the challenges from ‘living them’. However this I find not to be best for myself (and others as well) because within challenges, I will be able to expand and, it is more that only in certain situations I would like to avoid the challenge where in other situations, I do not even notice something as a ‘challenge’. So, let’s see if I can ‘skipp’ or ‘delete’ some of the energetic charges that I have attached to this word and to the living of it and how I experience myself within a social challenge for example, instead of ‘skipping’ or ‘deleting’ the word itself. Then from here, I can see how to support myself within and as this word in a way that I am better able to embrace and live it without fear and resistance attached to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost feel like wanting to cry when and as confronted with a challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable within a challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance immediately when and as something is mentioned as a challenge, where in many cases I do what is needed no matter what and so, I do take on the challenges to push myself through the resistance and fear.

challenge

uitdaging

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative association/picture coming up with the word ‘uitdaging’ as the Dutch word for ‘challenge’, where in I see it as if I am challenged through other kids to do something that I actually don’t want to do / ik word uitgedaagd door andere kinderen om iets te doen wat ik eigenlijk niet wil (Dutch); something on a school yard and then within a situation with a negative approach of each other, tending to ‘bothering’ and judging each other, instead of supporting each other to do something better or different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘judgement’ to the word ‘challenge’ and so, expecting that within a challenge, I will always be confronted with judgements and so, I do not like to be challenged as I do not like to be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘conflict’ to the word ‘challenge’ and so I do not like to take on a challenge as I do not like conflict to emerge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already approach the word ‘challenge’ within conflict and judgements within and as myself and so, also the challenge in itself I will then approach within conflict and judgements attached, which then will give an outcome of conflict and judgement because this is my starting-point determining the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like ‘to be challenged’ but rather prefer to make my own challenges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word challenge or ‘to be challenged’ with something that I ‘have to do’, that I ‘must’ do, otherwise I would ‘loose’ and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word challenge within a polarity of winning or loosing.

What I do like in the Dutch word is the word ‘dagen’ which means ‘days’, but which also means that something starts to clear up / iets begint te dagen (Dutch).

So, here I can then see it more as coming ‘out’ (‘uit’ in Dutch) a specific programming in/as the mind where the physical reality starts to ‘clear up’ and so, more clarity, more of myself as my beingness can come forward and being lived.

I leave it up to here for now and will open it up more within myself in days to come.

To be continued


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 752 – Resistance and finding practical support

This morning I was listening to the interview ‘Practical Grounding Energy Definitions‘ from  the Quantum Physical series in the Eqafe Store. It gives a practical example of how we can see ourselves walking in a hall way with rooms on the left side as every day life moments that we may walk in to and rooms on the right side as moments that we eventually can create for ourselves and others involved. The hall way represents then our baseline stability of who we are where we from here, can decide to walk into the rooms as moments and deciding who we are, within and as a self-expression. Well, this is my very short description of the outlay in the interview – for detailed understanding I recommend to listen to the interview and also to the two interviews before.

I had some resistance coming up towards the description of self-expression as “self-expression is something that you access in a moment for a moment, depending on who you are with and what you are doing. When you are moving to the next moment, you let drop that expression, you return to your baseline stability of who you are and walk into the next moment”.

What I experienced here is a form of ‘ueselessness’ with how a self-expression is only here for a moment and then not ‘useful anymore’. As if I want to ‘collect’ and keep my self-expressions.

However on the end of the interview, I started seeing the bigger picture of the example and how within this approach, I will be able to better direct myself and go back to myself within and as this ‘hall-way’ (as myself in this baseline stability where “I anchor myself, ground myself, become stable, be me”) and then from here, walk into the daily situations/moments (left rooms) and practise creating new moments (right rooms). Where within the moments, I face what I have to face as for example some reactions that I then can bring back to myself and take responsibility for.

While realizing this, it gives a very ‘simple’ and directive view and way of how I can live my life. It actually gives a basic foundation of living. And from here I then need to live and practise this in my physical reality as for now, it is more a realization that gives a ‘cadre’ or lay-out of how to live in and as self-expression.

So what in the beginning gives an experience of resistance for me, is on the end of the interview giving a supportive and ‘simple’ approach that I actually like and find very useful. It shows again that where the resistance is, this is where I need push through and not believing the resistance as something that I ‘need to get away from’ but as the opposit: as something ‘where I need to be’.

A short sharing from a point that I picked up from this interview so far. Many more practical and supportive suggestions/applications are already given in this one interview and in others as well. Enjoy!

Quantum Physical – Introduction


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Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 751 – It is too much to write it all out – is it?

Here I would like to share how I have walked through the experience of that it is ‘too much’ to let’s say, get more insight on how I participate in my thoughts, feelings and emotions and ‘how much work’ it is to deconstruct the limiting expressions within myself and then reconstruct it in a way that is considering and caring, as how I am in potential able to as a living being.

I do like the writing, as well of the lessons as of the blogs and at the same time, I do experience signs of resistance. So even if I ‘like it’ there is a resistance coming up that can show for example in becoming very tired suddenly, the moment that I am sitting in front of my computer with my lesson opened. Or ‘not knowing what to write about’ for a blog is also a common one; or what I do see coming up within me, are thoughts as ‘it is too simple, everybody knows this already, no one is interested in this’, things like that. I see that it is a part of a self-sabotage but I find this the most difficult one’s to walk through.

However, the writing, I also experience as ‘a lot’ and with every new lesson, I still see myself looking at ‘how long a lesson’ is or ‘how long a mind-construct will be’. (A mind-construct contains the ‘laying out in a structured way of writing’ of a certain pattern that we participate in and that is limiting for ourselves and so within the writing, we can see and learn to understand how we have build up a certain pattern and behaviour where in we take responsibility for it within the application of self-forgiveness and self-corrections).

At a certain moment I had to let this go as an ‘limiting experience’ with my first mind-construct. In the end, the mind-construct did become as long as 200-300 pages in a word-document and it took me three years to write it out and walk through in real time. During this process, I had to let go any hesitations with regards to the length of the writing and I just took it on, week by week writing a piece. I wrote a piece, needed to walk it through in real time and then could move on to the next piece. And so on. This all with the support of a buddy who is reading with me, so in a way, I am walking it by myself but I am not walking it ‘all alone’. Let’s say, there is a ‘witness’ which is an essential and very supportive part of this process.

I find it extremely supportive as within the deconstructing of the mind-patterns in such a structured way, I am able to see into layers that I do normally avoid. In general I am someone who is quite intro-spective through my days but however and of course, I will also avoid looking at certain behavioural patterns within myself. So that is also making clear why the resistance is coming up as such a strong ‘tiredness’ for example when I start writing on a timeline in a mind-construct, where this is pointing out that I am on the ‘right spot’ to open up a limiting pattern.

I did finish the mind-construct and I was so happy with it. This has learned me to not look at the amount of writing that needs to be done or may need to be done and create experiences related to it but instead, to just start writing. We do not know when and if we ‘finish’ it, as when are we finished? The more we go into the depth of ourselves, the more will open up in deeper layers to explore, for ourselves but also to learn to stand as a point of support for others. With the blog-writing it is the same, as we have this ‘7 years’ writing standing as a guide-line; this means 2555 days of writing / blogs. I am now at day 751 and am only writing one blog per week, due to others activities during the week. So, looking forward at ‘when I would be finished’, is not so supportive for myself. Because, I may or may not finish the amount of 2555 blogs in this physical life-time.

However, I did finish a 29 long blog-serie, related to 29 sound cloud records. And this I find supportive and stimulating to move on as well, as when I take it on one by one, I do finish small projects and during the way, I every time and within every blog, notice the self-support in it.

I had a teacher at the art-academy 25 years ago and when I came up with an idea, he several times said to me ‘okay, just start with it’ and here I learned to start what I have as idea to create and then along the way, it becomes visible what it will be. With the writing I see the same. Some projects get stuck and fade away, some projects I will finish but overall, I do keep on writing and walking this process from consciousness to awareness and then learning how to support myself with living words and bring myself back to life so to speak. This will happen ‘along the way’ so while doing and not only ‘at the finish’.

In many situations, I see that my mind is working with terms as ‘finish’ and within this, I am mostly projecting an experience of fear, as a ‘finishing of the energetic existance and experience’ that I have participated in for so long. It is simply all that I have known so far. But this does not mean that I as a living being, will ‘finish to exist’ when and as the energy runs out. However, this can only become visible…….. when and as the energy runs out. So it is a nice catch in itself. No proof on forehand but only a self-proof while walking and applying.

There are several courses and paths available as self-support, as well as many interviews to listen


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

Dag 750 – 29. Care as motivation

This blog is related to record 29: Care as motivation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘having a child’ and/or ‘being in a relationship’ must be ‘taken care of’ before I actually and really will be able to take care of myself in and as life and/as life as a whole, where in my self-interest – showing it’s face in ‘emotional experiences’ of ‘unfulfilled desires’ – is ‘leading me‘ or better said ‘controling me’ where in I also not take care in what is best for myself and so, I keep myself actually prisoned or controled within my own emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself locked in within the control of my emotional experiences of unfulfilled desires in which I believe that ‘I can not live without’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can not live without that what I desire, where I use this actually as a distraction within and as myself, in and as my own mind as a belief that I can not live without the control of my own mind within thoughts, feelings and emotions, as this then ‘feels like I die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I will die’ without having a connection within and as my mind where in I channel myself into certain desires, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this I project my own mind in the ‘state of death’ or ‘sleeping state’ that I exist in within this moment while participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions and following and believing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow thoughts, feelings and emotions in and as my mind within polarity that lead up to ‘a death end’ when the energy of polarity runs out, instead of looking at ‘living words’ that are best for all, including myself, that I can assist and support myself with and ‘breathe’ myself into life with, step by step, day by day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blanko and tired here without exactly seeing what and how I do ‘hold onto’ certain experiences related to ‘love and relationships’ and what this ‘gives’ to me.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of fear, related to a relationship, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear is an experience of the other side of the coin of the experience of love and that I may have gone into an experience of love, to not ‘feel’ the experience of fear or ‘uncertainty’ within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perhaps go into an experience of love to not feel the experience of fear or uncertainty within and as myself.

I commit myself to slow down and look carefully into the experience of fear within and as myself, within the realization that ‘fear of another’ is a thought in essence and so, there is a judgement as thought connected within and as myself, towards this ‘other’ as myself and so I also commit myself to realize that there is then most of time a self-judgement involved and so, I commit myself to keep on finding the thoughts as (self)-judgements and forgiving myself within, related to an experience of fear/love towards someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferences in life as for example I do naturally like animals and so, this is a more easy motivation for me to ‘take care’, for myself and for life as a whole and that I still do experience quite some fear as resistance to ‘people’ which is because of how the mind consciousness systems are living out the inequality.

When and as I experience a fear as resistance coming up within me in interaction with another person, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am reacting to how an inequality is living out and that I ‘fear’ to keep standing and so, I somewhere judge myself in this fear and state of ineffectiveness or, I judge myself for the same thing that I do not yet see within and as myself.

I commit myself to embrace and forgive myself for my own inequalities in and as this fear as thoughts as judgements that comes up when and as an inequality is playing out and I commit myself to find and use a living word in which I make myself more effective and directed to what I see that is supporting me to stand up, to keep standing and stable in a way that is best for myself as well as for others involved, in the small moments of every day life.

Previous blog: 28. Learned a lot

This blog is connected to the last record of this serie of self-reflection on the years of my biological fertility. I have found it of great support for myself to walk it all through and share, to free myself from a certain ‘charge’ that I experienced to it all and while doing so, I could bring it back to experiences coming up within situations in current time and bring this into self-forgiveness as well.

Thank you for reading, listening and walking with.

I will continue with what is ahead and coming up within myself and my life to take care of, within and as myself, for myself and for life as a whole. It may only reach one or a few other beings at the moment, however I do understand that a ripple effect will take place that I/we may not yet see or be aware of, as every one who is taking responsibility is part of a one+one+one.


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Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 749 – 28. Learned a lot

This blog is related to record 28: Learned a lot

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ of ‘learning things’ and rather would like to start building something that is lasting and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not already building something because of walking through difficult patterns, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this goes hand in hand and so, ‘learning’ and ‘building’ can go together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘creating’ or ‘building’ is something nice and ‘learning’ in this context is mainly difficult and challenging and so, when I do not experience it as nice, I see it as only ‘learning’ or ‘walking through patterns’ and not so much as ‘creating’ and ‘building’.

Self-forgiveness on experiences that are coming up while a pattern is activated and showing it’s face / where I am facing myself within this pattern:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely shut down and blanko because of not being able to do anything anymore and so the only solution for now is leaving it and letting go of the control about what another is taking responsibility in or not and taking responsibility for myself in how I experience myself at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not believe’ how this can happen, how someone can do this and so, I am not standing equal and one with myself and/as another, where in I see now that I hide and suppress an experience of guilt that I have stored in my body as an expectation of a ‘need to be here all the time for another, 24 hours’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not possible and realistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be here 24 hours a day for another which must be coming forward out of a mother-syndrom of always feeling like ‘not enough’ for the child, as there can always go something wrong when I am not here and that is then ‘my fault’ or responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coming forward out of this self-judgement, going into my mind and from here, indeed not being here 24 hours but distracted within and as a form of self-protection, to not feel the emotions coming up as a reaction in certain circomstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel paralized at the height of my ovaria and going down within my legs, like my legs are made of chewing-gum and not being able to move myself anymore to whatever direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus myself completely on another as in a mother-syndrom, looking after her child and without this focus, not being able to direct myself anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have protected myself against what I have perceived as the attention of my own mother and her worries about me and at the same time, copying this pattern and doing it myself to a ‘loved one’ that I ‘worry about’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to move through and how to ‘fix’ this.

When and as I see myself going into worrying about a ‘loved one’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I worry about myself and not being able to be with this one anymore and/or to live without this one, where the worry is then actually ‘about me’ and so, I am not really effective in seeing what support I am able to give or stand, when and as that may be needed.

I realize that the patterns and play-outs I walk now, are of support for myself (and/as another) to stand on my own two feet in every situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘that it is too much, that this is not cool anymore, that I cannot have it anymore and that it is unfair that I need to go through all of this as I did not do anything wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only need to go through things if I do ‘something wrong’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I ‘do wrong’, is taking projections of another personally as if it is about me and ‘wanting to take care of another 24 hours as a way to be sure to be together’ is an approach that is impossible and unrealistic, as we all need to stand on our own two feet and learn to take responsibility for our own mind and so, it are opportunities to bring the patterns that are stored deep within me to the surface, so that I can forgive and correct myself into a more realistic and so, more effective living human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that things will be allright if I ‘do not do anything wrong anymore’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind is build up and stored within many deep layers and that we are only free, when all are free and so, the pain will not stop until all are free as only then we will be able to communicate, to care and to work together effectively but at the same time I can push myself to take responsibility for my own experiences.

I realize that I do not understand a reaction within myself that starts with ‘I cannot believe this is happening’ and here giving up on myself and giving away my self-direction of who I am in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live without the other and so, taking on more responsibility on my shoulders than is really my part which is then a distraction within and for myself from experiencing the pain of inequality, because as long as I am busy with the other and trying ‘to do good’, I think and believe that I can not loose the other or that I can not be blamed to loose the other and I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if another sees what he/she is doing, that he/she then will walk away and never come back and so I try to prefend this by doing the best I can to ‘fill the gabs’ and ‘always be here’, where in I see, realize and understand that I then actually go away from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my reactions in living without the other and so I want the other to ‘always be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ‘learned a lot’ but still not really changed in this deep pattern of dependency within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to stand within the unexpectedness of life and within the only certainty of being with and as myself no matter what, meaning that I do not have control about an outcome but only about what I walk in and as myself and so, I do not have control about ‘staying together’ as there always can something ‘unexpected’ happen and so, I created a ’24 hours attention’ within and as myself and behind this an experience of guilt to keep myself busy with, as a distraction and illusion of control about ‘being/staying together’ as how a mother and child are connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find a commitment to stand with in this but at the same time, expecting a commitment from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit to stand with myself as within this, I experience a huge fear to ‘loose another’ if I do so and I am not sure how I will stand with and as myself if and when I may ‘loose another’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not ‘fear loosing someone’, that I then not ‘love’ someone and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then hold on to the fear as holding on to my own thoughts as a ‘connection’ as actually a way of control in and as my own mind.

I commit myself to continue walking and finding ways to support myself and others in this, by keeping myself open and approachable for receiving and giving ways of self-support and preventing myself from speaking or acting in reaction (and forgiving/correcting myself when and as I do so) and within this, giving myself and others time to walk through the difficult parts within and as the mind, where in I realize everytime again that I can only keep standing within the principle of what is best for all, in and as life and that eventually within and as life, we are all united and no one will be ‘left alone’ anymore as here we are al(l)-one with ourselves in and as life, without existing in separation. Which is something that I now only realize in knowledge and information and that will take a lifetime to walk into in practical reality and so I move myself through the fears coming up, slowly and embracing/forgiving myself for what I experience in every moment, within and as self-support and support of one another.

I commit myself to look into the words ‘creating’ and ‘building’ and redefine this into a more realistic definition for myself.

I commit myself to walk ‘what is here’, in small pieces day by day and not too much going into a looking forward as then easily many things can come up as a ‘what if this and that go wrong’ where in I then fuell an experience of ‘fear of loss‘ within and as myself.

I commit myself to look into thoughts connected to an experience of fear within the realization of the information that ‘fear’ actually exist within and as a thought.

Previous blog: 27. Finding my stability

Next blog: 29. Care as motivation


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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive