Dag 810 – Defining the worst in myself

I was reading this blog of Marlen about her early stages of pregnancy and a few words stroke me with regards to my own process (in the past but also present in a way):

 (…) And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, (…)

Here I finally came to defining what did bring me within myself to make a decision towards an abortion, now almost 20 years ago. I have written a whole blogserie with sound cloud recordings about it and mostly processed everything involved, however I noticed that it still did come up in a way with experiences of regret and a lack of self-understanding in some dimension of it. I was thinking if it perhaps was related to the pre-menopause that I feel that I am physically entering, however then still it did not make really sense to me, as if it would ‘never go away’.

Her words in the blog of ‘it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ – here I saw directly within me, it was the worst of me that said ‘no’ and from here, I had locked myself in at the age of 28, exactly as how we were pre-programmed. And from here on, I have seen myself living the worst of me in this area, until last year where I had to force myself to step out of it, out of a relationship where in as well my ex as I, were more and more living the worst of ourselves. He more in actions, me more in accepting and allowing (that’s another topic worth for a blog – the role of accepting and allowing and what this means). Here I received the words from my own beingness as support:

“Allow yourself to cry and let go because it’s a letting go of the worst of you”.

From the age of 16, I have actually felt more conscious this ‘heavy, dark, thing’ inside me and here at my 16th it is were I started to ‘kill the life in me’ in a way as tending to become anorectic. And so I walked on this edge for years, not falling into the valley, but walking on the edge, every time going to hit the confrontation but not crossing the line in a way were I would loose myself completely (this ‘not loosing myself’ is probably related to how my physical body and mind within is set up – see blog – where I early became aware of my emotional state through the effect on my organs).

However within this pattern, I was kind of lost anyway, in the sense that I was not able to really change in it all. And this is what I define as the worst in me, this destruction where in I literally kill the life in different forms, or perhaps better described as to ‘nip life in the bud‘ (het leven in de kiem smoren – Dutch) and / or at least have the tendency to do this. I now do understand why I had such a prominent reflection of self-destruction in this last partnership, where every potential of growth would almost immediately be destroyed after the first blooming.

This ‘killing the life within me’ I need to have a deeper look at. It seems like a religious pre-programming that I tend to live out within suppression, within my own physical body mostly, through acceptance and allowance. And a child would bring out all of this what I suppressed – including all my self-interests and/as a fear of ‘not finding this so called ‘loved one’ – and I knew this and also knew that I did not yet have the tools to support myself effectively within it all and so, what then probably should happened, is that I transferred it towards the child; because, I was afraid to stand up and stand my ground in many ways. Which I wanted to prevent and so, I prevented this by the decision for an abortion.

This sounds nobel, however in the core, I was killing an opportunity to let come forward the best of me as well, to move through and go beyond all the fears and self-limitations. And this I felt reflected – already from the beginning that I find out that I was pregnant – in the fact that deeply within me, I would have wanted to give birth to this child. I will never know how I would have managed or not. Probably I would not have lived my best then either, because as I said, I did not yet have the tools to effectively support myself to do so. So it was a choice within two compromised scenario’s and that had to do with my starting-point in how I did become pregnant and who I was in it back then – all described in the mentioned blog-serie with sound cloud and specifically in this blog.

It is now since a year that I finally gain weight in a very natural way and even without someone really noticing is, as it comes in all parts of my body and I see for myself that I now have this body that belongs to me, my constitution in a way, as I recognize it from before my 16th. I knew and felt that I was slightly underweight for years, however I could not bring myself back to my more physical and natural state on long term. Interestingly enough it was in this last relationship that I learned from my ex to ‘eat again’, however there was way too much stress and so only when being and living alone again, I now had this reference to eat and I kept eating in this way and with the reduce of the stress and the process of letting go of the worst of me, I naturally gain some weight, I assume something between 3-5 kilo, which is quite a lot for my posture and really makes a difference in my physical well-being.

Another point of cross-reference that came up after this realization today, is that I immediately and finally can make peace with the leaving of a friend years ago. I was not fighting it, however still reacting inside myself to her decision and with this defining of the worst of me, this dark, heavy thing, I see now that underneath everything, I am quite sure that this is what she walked away from. Anyway it is not up to me to discuss her motivations, but within me it becomes quiet with regards to this event.

When looking back at my life in this area, I feel compassion for myself in how awful, how horrid this all was, this deep dark heavy thing as a red line throughout my life and that showed mostly it’s face with regards to intimate relationships and fertility, but in general it was something always underlying and in the background; but elusive at the same time. (I see now that this also needs a blog by itself about this dark heavy thing and what I was searching for.) If I scroll through the mentioned and related blog-serie, it is like a long compromising path, as a never ending nightmare that I do not recommend anyone to live.

However, it did keep me searching for solutions, the ‘full moon‘ in me did keep shining and I have not given up on this and so I have not given up on myself within this, although I have been close to giving up several times – where exactly in those moments, when sitting down and not knowing what to do anymore, I found support in some alternative way or pushed myself to find it – and ofcourse lived many experiences of ‘giving up’ in small and large moments. This dark heavy undercurrent and the – for myself noticeable – effect of my mind on my physical body, is what brought me to the living principles in my life, to the study of natural medicine, to all the alternative ways of support, to supportive friendships and interactions and eventually to Desteni.

I have missed the opportunity to find myself in the years of fertility and so, to give birth to another life / beingness and this gives a point of regret in an irreversible way; it is the reality of myself and a reflection of the current state of the world as well.

But; I have still years before me to birth myself as life from the physical and to open up and strengthen a connection between my beingness and my physical body, while still walking through my own created mind-patterns and accepted and allowed programmings. I have years before me to let go of the worst of me, to recognize when I tend to enter this, to see where and how I have suppressed all of this and to make the decision to now change towards living my utmost potential. And I have years before me to walk this in mutual support within Desteni and within this world and my living environment and with the people and animals around me.

Only when facing, recognizing / understanding / forgiving and defining this worst in myself, I will be able to let it go. Here we have a groupchat on this topic as well.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

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Dag 805 – Recognizing it for what it is

I was looking at an experience within myself. A recurrent experience. The experience on itself comes up in me as self-hate. It circled over and over again but I was not able to stop it or look further into it. Looking as for example investigating; is it hate towards myself, is this possible or is it actually an experience / memory of hate towards another and then projected onto myself / my body? Still no progress.

Then I found, it is not hate, it is fear. There is always a fear behind it. So every time when the experience did come up, I reminded myself, it is fear; what is the fear behind it? I did not yet find an answer but within this, the experience of self-hate stopped, the attack on myself, inside myself, towards myself, stopped as it is a step towards self-responsibility. as in ‘not pushing it aside / away’ – towards my intestine for example, so an attack on my physical body – but the experience turned around and the question ‘what is the fear behind it?’ is bringing the experience upwards, towards the heart-area, closer towards ‘myself’ so to speak.

Another thing I see related is an experience of deep regret that I felt stored in my physical body, in the lower parts of my large intestines. I mentioned this towards Sylvie and she recommended an interview from the Atlanteans about regret. I did not yet listen but for the moment work with what she found so far (because it hit home for me):

“It is an emotional energy (with an experience of turning in the stomach) or it is a construct created through structural thinking-processes. With the last, self-judgements are related, as in ‘I wish I had done this or that’ etc.” (Dutch: “Het is of een emotionele energie (met maag draaiengevoel) of een constructie gecreeerd door structurele denkprocessen. Bij die laatste zijn zelfoordelen van de partij van had ik maar zo en zus, enzo”)

The last I recognized and made sense directly. There is a deep deep self-judgement existing within me and it takes my breath away; so with this self-judgement, I take my own breath away, I break down and cry. I would say it is as an ongoing attack towards myself and it feels like ‘I will never be able to come through this’.

This makes sense as here it all comes down to myself and what I am doing to myself. It is not already ‘solved’ with this and my body is still strained and / as it needs to be specified and forgiven, but it is a progress, a step forward and inward, towards myself.

Bernard also told me before in a different context, “you need to name / recognize it for what it is”. If I define it as something different, I am not able to open it up. So a sign that nothing is changing and that I am circling in the same experience over and over again, may indicate that I define an experience as something that it is not, or only a very small part of it and so I unable myself to forgive myself and go deeper. As I keep myself separated for what I have hidden inside of me.

So to start opening it up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep circling in an experience of self-hate without making any progress and without being able to stop myself in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear something and turn this into hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project hate onto my own intestine and attack my own intestine for not working properly, without being able to look further at what I am really doing inside myself, towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself on a very deep level without being able to specify what I judge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away by judging myself for what I did or did not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for every mistake, the small, the big and fear to be judged for every mistake, the small, the big.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk on egg-shells inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to really relax with who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always think and believe that I could have done better, trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in trying to prevent all consequences, even if it are not my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and so fear consequences as I believe that with making consequences, I deserve punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘doing my best’ for a point of self-interest, in trying to keep something that I prefer and within this, trying to prevent consequences and walking on egg-shells, so that ‘I am not to blame’ which is my own back-lash coming at me, as a sabotage-pattern, to blame myself afterwards for ‘what I could have and should have’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step on myself and keep myself small, stamping myself in the ground so to speak with this construct, trying to stay invisible in perfectionism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack myself as soon as I even consider stepping outside / moving beyond a (pre)programming and so keeping myself imprisoned in my own mind-control, in fear for my own emotional self-attack and in hate of my own obedience towards control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep so much hate hidden and existing within me instead of embracing myself in my own rejected parts, constructs, experiences, protections and everything that I hide within me, piece by piece.

And so, I commit myself to become more gentle, more loose with myself, to distinguish between when to push and when to embrace myself, to distinguish in what I am able to and what not, to distinguish in my starting-point: is it fear or self-honesty? To define as specific as possible what I go through and to look directly in why I did do or not do something within the context and moment it is in and to no longer take it out of the context, into the future as a form of self-abuse of how I should have and could have because what is clear, I could not and so should not, otherwise I would have done it already. And from here, I commit myself to start trusting myself in where I am in my process and what I am able to and what not.

To be continued.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 802 – Depression and responsibility

I started this blog two days ago with writing self-forgiveness on what I received as comments on a picture of my face. I found it very supportive to open up with and enter the levels that were visible in my facial expression / resonance. From here on (the blog) I had two ‘heavy’ days and did come in an experience of depression. It was quite heavy, yet at the same time I did see it as a layer that I presented to myself as if it was time to open it up, to find the source of it. Meaning, the depression did not ‘scare’ me as if I would get lost in it; I kept my self-awareness within it.

What I also started to see is that if and when I have all the basic information about how the mind is build up and operates, about systems, self-awareness, self-honesty and tools of how to work with it all (writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and living words) and the breathing to help myself through moments of panic; then I should be able to support myself through and find the ‘flaw’ within me, as it exists most of times as a conflictual situation / experience between a program / system / self-belief and my self-honesty as ‘who I am / want to be’ as what is best for myself (and so for others and/as life as a whole). This does not mean it was an easy two days; it was not. I found a lot of insecurity that I have created within myself and that are based on a few thoughts, existing as self-beliefs.

During the two days I did continue with my daily tasks and kept on communicating; on my way to work in the morning of the second day, I could already write down some realizations. After two days in the evening, I found a striking behaviour-pattern of / within myself. I realized, well better said, I directly saw how I deliberately bring myself in a situation that is not best for myself; where I already have received flag-points to investigate (inside and/or outside myself) before entering the situation (in my case relationships) but stepping deeper into it within the purpose to be so deep into it ‘that I cannot step out of it anymore’ and so ‘I need to stay in it and deal with it / make the best of it’ without the need to leave.

Before I had already noticed this pattern but I translated it in a way as if this was my way of forcing myself to take responsibility for myself in certain situations; as if I otherwise would not do this. What I did see now directly, is that my starting-point of doing this (entering the situation despite there being and seeing flag-points all over within myself and / or outside that I firstly need to investigate and bring into alignment) is to avoid responsibility as that “I am already in it, I cannot let it go anymore” and so trying to take responsibility within a situation that is compromised and so walking around the one real deep starting-point that I need to take responsibility for in / as myself (that the red-flags already are showing). When I did see, realize and understand this within myself, the depression did go away or actually, disappeared simultaneously.

This brought me back to my experience of depression 20 years ago, when I did enter a situation in a way that I should not have entered (with the consequence that I made a decision for an abortion) and even years before back, where I did experience a deep, clinical depression for some moments (a few times from about 30 minutes) after taking a piece of extasy – also in a situation where I actually should not have been part of but in the last moment when another appointment was canceled I decided to join.

This brings me to be and become aware of how and where I bring myself in situations that are not best for myself, that I should better avoid and move on with or towards something more suitable but where I deliberately and continuesly as a pattern, go ‘to the edge’ and actually ‘over the edge’ in a compromising way. What I actually allow myself here is to ‘experience’ something, to get my bliss in a way before I stop. Here to remind myself that if I compromise myself, this will also be compromising for others involved and life as a whole, in some way (that I even not may see directly) and that I also need to be aware that with ‘going after this bliss’, the bliss may ‘get me / the best of me’ if I continue like this.

Here under the start of the blog 2 days ago as an example of how the blog-writing and just starting with self-forgiveness, is supportive to open up some deep dimensions within myself.

2 days ago:

I found some comments on my picture in a facebook-group of Desteni Universe where many placed a picture and one could describe what one is seeing within the face of each other. I was hesitating to describe what I see in other faces but enjoyed all the plain and straight pictures. I find the comments on my picture striking and so I use them here to apply self-forgiveness on. The picture was made in the morning on my way to work and close after some words of ‘goodbye’ in the day and week before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the sadness in my eyes; the sadness of a goodbye that I would have liked to see different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than everyone else who is ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like self-intimacy is not enough and at the same time feeling like I will never get there, I will never be able to bring myself towards and within a satisfying, intimate interaction with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad with the need to start all over again, like if every effort before did not make any sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of all the effort that I put in that ‘lead to nowwhere’ – hmmm interesting slip of the finger: ‘nowwhere’ instead of nowhere.

Here I found a picture with the words ‘being in the Now’ where I could look through the words and where I did see how trying to be in the now, does actually contain a ‘fear of missing out’ behind it. Here to correct this in the more grounded statement as ‘Being Here’ as this is embracing everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in this one point which I know is my struggle-point because I have never learned or had an example to build an effective relationship from a starting-point of self-intimacy, however because I see the possibility for so long while living in reality my lesser version, it feels like ‘I will never get there’ which I actually created as experience through walking relationships from a compromised starting-point, in and as fear (of never getting there / not going to make it / missing my chance) and so, I am walking in circles, in a loop, creating over and over this fear-experience within and as me, in and as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this loop as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say ‘goodbye’ and to keep things ‘open’ for the future, although I do not see any possibility to continue, considering the facts and reality of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep things open for the future’ and so limiting myself in moving forwards in current time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in this point, my current location-point with regards to relationships, to show face and where I am within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can not have any disappointment anymore and with any new disappointment, feeling like my motivation for anything is dropping down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in situations where I easily get disappointed until I cannot have it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so deeply disappointed from all the moments that a required self-honesty within a relationship is not coming forward where in my own self-honesty, the best option is to leave, however still feeling like there was another option as ‘living my best’, but I have missed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to stay as long as possible and within this not placing my self-honesty and self-intimacy at first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the seeing of living my best potential to ‘if I would have done that, we would have been together’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these things are not automatically connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up ‘ment to be’ and ‘supposed to be’ and actually not being aware of what ‘supposed to be’ looks like, feels like, sounds like, manifests like and so holding on to ‘what is ment to be’ as the only ‘replacing’ experience that seems to come close, however which must be my pre-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have walked such a difficult point and to find it ridiculous that this is the point I struggle with the most and within this, not taking myself serious enough in it, as walking through and moving beyond a pre-programming is the most difficult thing that I (as we all) have ever done, no matter where this point is related to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself as if I should have known better and should have done better and so superiorizing myself as well in this point, thinking and believing that I already could have done better when I show myself in reality that I first need to walk through to see, embrace, understand and forgive the lesser version of myself and getting my hands dirty so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to some day feel ready to let go, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that time will take off the sharpness so to speak but I need to let go actively and by decision, otherwise I will never let go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I fear to ‘let go’ because of the ‘letting go’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really fear is the ‘not knowing’ that comes after it with all the ‘what if’s’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not (yet) willing to put in the effort for what is behind it and needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in ‘the concept of love’ (that many name as ‘trusting the universum or god’) instead of letting go the concept of love and stepping into the depth of trusting myself in and as life.

Second morning:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself to my own strength, as if it is a curse, thinking and believing that no one will stand with me in this (as a partner) and so I will be (left) alone and/or never find someone.

This brought me to the words that Bernard speak to me several times when I was on the farm in South-Africa 7 years ago: “you are a strong woman, you have to (need to?) accept that’.

I realized that it is about accepting myself in this as ‘this is who I am’- this will make me secure, more certain. He literally said it in words but it takes me all this time to really understand the words. This ‘accepting’ is essential / crucial in this, otherwise it will be a ‘trying to hide my insecurity’ and so I polarize the insecurity and uncertainty into an arrogance. Which is what I did/do not want and so, I could/can not enter these words within me.

What I now see is that this may be conflictual with ‘the concept / system of love’ – as the one that I ‘feel love for and feel loved back by’ may not be the one that is potential suitable. With other words, ‘the one ment to be‘ with may be different / another than that I am supposed to be with.

So in order for myself to accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ I need to walk through the concept / system of love (as how it exists in this world) with many illusions and flaws connected and integrated within. And as long as I keep holding on to the veil of love, I will not accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ as my utmost potential. Simply because these two points are conflictual and cannot exist at the same time. Here I do not mean that ‘love as equality’ cannot exist at the same time with ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’, but not as a pre-programmed design of ‘love’, based on experiences and polarizations and not as long as the words ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’ is polarized within / as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace, accept myself as a strong woman in order to avoid responsibility, within and as myself as a whole.

‘Strong’ to be redefined in time to come.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 799 – Self-support on the experience of “being tired of everything”

kpnrijksmuseum.nl/slapendejongevrouw

There is something underneath within me for a long time; an experience of ‘being tired of everything’. I wanted to change it into ‘feeling tired’ but how I experience it is like ‘being tired’. Which I do see as not so favorable because my being is in this as ‘being tired’ and I have developed related physical symptoms so I see it actually becoming a ‘manifestation’.

It is getting less than it was years before, where I almost was consumed by this experience. However I still see, feel and experience it within me, almost as a ‘second skin’ but also as a memory; meaning it is always here and with me.

What I am most tired of and by is of my own physical struggles, cramps, pains, discomforts. Also seeing things that I would like to accomplish but that I then look up to like a mountain, because of the physical labour that needs to be done and especially my own experience of tiredness and discomfort within it or, a fear of this on forehand.

I do experience it within my organs and I have the information (for context read the blog) – via an individualized interview through the portal – that my mind consciousness energy is ‘traveling’ through my organs and not through the muscle energy highways as how is most common. My muscles feel indeed fine and from the perspective of my muscles, I can even look forward to the labour; I like the movements and effect on my muscles. When I look at my organs and especially my large intestine, I feel an incredible tiredness in it from myself and a giving up; like ‘I don’t have it in me anymore, I cannot find the strength within me to push through’.

I am sitting here on the first day of my menstruation, which is something that I am also tired of. I am 45 – almost 46 – and I find it enough.

I still do not know how to ‘relax’ within these organs, mostly my large intestine, ovaries and uterus but also bladder and I feel a sadness on my heart. My liver is still ‘motivated’ and like ‘pushing the others’ to keep going. There is an ongoing tension in it from my own mind consciousness energy as a pressure on my organs.

This is not okay and I would like to change this. I own it to my organs, I own it to myself and so to others as life as well, as I do have a reasonable ‘good life’ so to speak with opportunities that relatively very little people have at the moment here on earth. My organs did adapt to the way my mcs is set up within my physical body, however I find I let too much ‘on them’ to take care of, as if I am not fully here to support and direct myself. I know this is not a job done in a moment. I will open it up with self-forgiveness on the experiences within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on energy instead of on myself and let energy get the best of me within emotions and feelings letting direct myself on a subtle level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my organs do the work, ‘catch me’ in a way to signal me that I am slipping off too much, not catching myself soon enough in the small moments, subtle thoughts and allowing of the lingering in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to linger in the mind even when I notice that I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can give up, that it does make sense to give up, instead of supporting myself in that moment, to stop the lingering within my mind and slow down, to release the energy and look for a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly endowed’ by having this specific set up where my mind consciousness energy moves through my organs instead of my muscles, where in I know and even am aware, that it is a gift in disguise because of my early awareness of my emotions and the effect of it within me however, I still linger in a form of victimization in it that I see now as an excuse for myself to not take the next step in pushing myself towards self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the next step towards self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly judged’ as how I firstly translated ‘wrongly endowed’ for myself; which is so in a way because of me not clearly expressing myself and not having been able to do so in the past, which indeed gives a misjudgement of myself, by myself and by others as well, following that what I express myself in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself in an incomplete way and for this, following up on myself in this incomplete, incompetent way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my incomplete and limited expression gives an incomplete presence of myself in who I potentially am able to be and by bringing it into reality in this way, my environment respons to this in the same incomplete way and so I ‘set up’ myself in a constricted and incomplete reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then manifest this constricted expression and reality into my organs and especially my large intestine who is constricting and wanting to hold on information that is not yet fully expressed as what is best for myself but that I wanted to release already and so, I am creating a conflict within and as myself, reflecting within my organs and visible for myself in my large intestine as an ongoing cramping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to completely and unlimited express myself as what is best for myself (and so in consideration of the effect being best for all).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot find the strength in myself to push through, that I do not have it in me anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in small moments and to not even want to start, at whatever, at very small physical tasks and movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to sit and rest but I do not rest in this, as I even more find ‘rest’ inside in a slow and consistent movement of doing what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ as if I as my being am tired myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have channeled my being into this experience, into all the emotions and feelings to generate an energetic experience, thinking and believing that these experience are ‘making myself feeling alive’ and so loosing myself as life as ‘beingness’ within this, wherein I am not really lost or gone, but more channeled (by myself) within energy and so wasting or ‘burning the best of me’ so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘tired of myself’ in a way as a tiredness of what I am doing to myself and by myself on a daily base.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already want to give up on my self-commitment and experience a fear of ‘not committing’ and so, thinking and believing that I better not write the commitment, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is exactly the lack of expression, the incomplete expression within and as myself as a ‘loop’ where in I hold myself constricted, of not starting because of fearing that I will not commit to my own commitments and so instead ‘committing as a ‘holding on’ to a fear of failure.

As a start for myself for coming week:

When and as I see myself lingering in my mind and thinking about all the things that need to be done, I stop and breath. I realize that I generate energy in this as for example an experience of ‘giving up’ and so weakening my physical body and putting pressure on my organs because of the emotional energy that I generate within this on a subtle level and I realize that I accumulate the experience in all these small moments of lingering. I commit myself to ‘catch’ myself in the small moments of not wanting to pick up on things, to stop, to breathe for a moment and then moving myself in the small physical action that needs to be done and so move myself from action to action and within this, accumulate the physical action and satisfaction within and as myself.

A process of self-expression and physical action to be continued.

desteniartists.blogspots.com

Nice post from Kim about self-support in the small moments.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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De Kronieken van Jezus

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 796 – The effect of writing

Art by Andrew Gable

I have written a blog in Dag 794 – A moment of change where in I found out the following:

” So this means in this example, that what I am used to do and look at within myself is the following way: “Can I have a drink now and then at home alone, although I see that this is not best for myself eventually and so I ‘know’ in a way that somehow/somewhere I need to (and will) stop this/step out of this again? And then I ‘check’ within myself if I see myself able to stop/step out of it in the the future”. If the answer is “yes, I can stop/step out of this in the future when and as needed”, then I decide many times to still ‘do it’ and actually ‘go get my bliss’. Until ‘I am done’ with it or until I cannot have it anymore, and then I stop. And then I need to walk through the build up layers again of emotional/feeling release. So I am actually used to walk through points the long way and more or less even believed that I ‘have to do it like this’ in many occasions.”

In this blog I took an example of drinking a glass of wine at home; however I have seen myself doing this in different situations where an ‘energy-addiction’ is involved – meaning where I want to experience something before I am willing / able to stop it. This is so I see now, actually a form of self-manipulation and when others are involved – as for example within starting a relationship before being totally clear on the possibilities of it – then it automatically includes a manipulation towards another as well, although my intention is not to ‘manipulate’. But my starting-point contains this – maybe subtle – energetic self-manipulation and so, my starting-point will determine the outcome and so manipulation will take place in some form. And what I accept and allow within myself, I will accept and allow in another as well and so the reflection of this inner self-manipulation will show itself in the situation and / or within another and often in a larger degree, so that I will not miss it.

After writing the blog, I noticed that I now have seen this point, this tendency to firstly ‘follow the energy before stopping and pushing myself to the edge before I stop’ and so actually….I am not able to accept and allow myself to do this anymore. So now, when I do see a situation where in I am not 100% clear or sure, I am not able to accept and allow myself to ignore the ‘nagging presence’ in the background and move on with it anyway, in some way ‘hoping’ that it will solve itself miraculously, because I now have seen, realized and understand that it will not solve itself miraculously but the outcome / consequence will show exactly that what I have ignored at first in my starting-point.

This is an example of how the writing out of one practical example – if and when done from a starting-point of self-honesty and self-direction – will very much support with this one general point / tendency in many occasions in my life. This also shows how resistance or even rejection can be experienced with regards to the writing, because I ‘know’ on some level that the writing will be effective and reveal some ‘energy-addictions’ that I accept and allow to distract or actually, manipulate myself with and behind this I find a ‘fear of loss’ of this energy and the experience that it is giving. This experience of ‘fear of loss’ is showing itself as very real, because I made it real, by living it at first, by ‘building a life’ on ‘this belief’ so to speak and so the effect may give an experience of ‘collapsing’ and ‘walking through hell’, as in letting go of the illusions that I was holding on to. Illusions meaning, thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, hopes, dreams and what more, that all seem very ‘real’ in the mind but that is not grounded in a realistic, physical foundation.

So with the writing, I am able to quantify my process and walk it ‘faster’ in a way. I mean, I will walk through all the illusions anyway, also by first following my mind and then needing to let it go again, which is ‘the hard way’ as the letting go can be quite horrible to walk through. With the writing, I do have a tool to support myself, to start preventing myself from following the energy, from following that what is actually not best for myself in self-honesty and so, not best for all in self-honesty. Also here, there is a moment of letting go – as how I described in the blog as well – but it almost directly includes a moment of change, because I did not build up so much layers around it, I did not attach myself in all these layers (that I need to walk back and detach myself from and this ‘hurts’ emotionally) and so the way is much shorter and much more stable.

This is actually what we have done through our whole lives – building layer after layer, following the energy and ‘building a life’ on false beliefs in a way, despite our intentions being ‘good’ in it. One can imagine that walking back does take time, dedication and persistence, as these layers are integrated in our life and our physical bodies. We have become it in a way and we believe that ‘this is who I am’. And, we all did this, we have build relationships on this and so we actually have build a world (through relationships) on this foundation from and within a manipulative starting-point (energy). And this is very much visible in the world and how we exist today in totality. For more context read Relationship Dynamics

I will continue with some self-forgiveness on this point in a blog to come.

As a short feedback after writing the mentioned blog: There are no thoughts coming up anymore in relation to drinking this glass of wine when being at home. In the beginning it did come up now and then and with the support of this blog I was able to directly let it go and as I notice now, it is not a point anymore, it is not coming up as a possibility or desire or need and mostly not even as a thought anymore. That is great self-feedback and self-proof after walking layer after layer as a process through the years of what process actually entails.


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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 795 – Am I willing to be heard? Letting go of the least potential.

“Here, again – it is all about losing control. You have given some characters so much control, that it even regulates how you release the waste, which is that which you no longer require, but if you are releasing that which can be beneficial and the body disagrees with you – you’re going to become constipated, because your constitution which is what is best for you – is being Hijacked by your characters of fear, and therefore you are releasing as waste – which is actually nutrition for you, while a physical female form some very deep explosive self forgiveness is required where you face this and say “No More will I live half-heartedly, I will Live with my Whole Heart and Open myself to the Potential to be Heard, because unless I am willing to be Heard and willing to Feel pain – I will never be able to actually explore what is actually possible as love and pleasure”. Interestingly enough, one will allow yourself to be guided by your Fear, which is the Least Potential – instead of everything that would make you Whole, which is the Most Potential. Realise the Pattern – write it out, Forgive it and TALK about it with the Potential partner – no matter how strange it sounds. That is how one build intimacy which may result in Trust.”

We were having one of the weekly group chat’s on destonians.com (which is free to join for who is interested) where I was writing about ‘letting go’ and my issues with it. Here Leila suggested to re-read an old chat with Bernard as it seems very much related to this point and perhaps I see new dimensions in it. So I openend it up again and indeed I see how it is already describing the whole pattern in one chat, however to really walk it into detail within myself, it may take a life-time. To mention here that the releasing of waste is improving through time so I am walking it in the physical; what I see is that I walked through the fear in real time which was quite a journey. I would say it is time now to transcent it into the start of a new creation within and as myself, so no longer manifesting the fear-result from letting guide me by fear which is the least potential, but starting to open myself up for everything that would make me whole, which is the most potential.

I have taken out this alinea (here above) to start with – well, already in this alinea, there is sooo much written. I will start with self-forgiveness on one line to open it up for and within myself. What I notice with the writing of a blog, is that not everything can be written out in the blog but it has an effect also after writing, where the ‘opening up’ continues within myself and many times, I walk the continuing self-forgiveness after the writing of the blog and the point is here to walk so to speak; I did bring it ‘here’ for myself and actually with doing so, I am stating that ‘I am ready to take on this point within myself’ and so I do.

Here is the line I start applying self-forgiveness on:

“No More will I live half-heartedly, I will Live with my Whole Heart and Open myself to the Potential to be Heard, because unless I am willing to be Heard and willing to Feel pain – I will never be able to actually explore what is actually possible as love and pleasure”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and have lived half-heartedly by not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to be Heard and not willing to feel pain (of what may come from this) and instead, place myself in a position where I am willing to be Hurt because of placing myself in and staying in a position where I am not being heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the easy way of ‘being hurt by another’, instead of actually doing the work and putting in the effort within myself to Will myself towards willing to be heard and willing to feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for my own well-being by placing myself in and staying in a position where I am not being heard and so, keeping myself in my comfort-zone as the easy way of not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain and if I am hurt because of this, having a door open for (hidden) blame towards another as the potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on forehand, leaving a door open to blame the potential for me not being heard and instead, letting myself hurt in this which seems to be ‘done by’ the potential but in the starting-point, it is still me who have placed and kept myself in this position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the potential to not take responsibility and within this, hurting me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not living the most potential within and as myself as in ‘willing to be heard and willing to feel pain’ and so another will not be able to live the most potential within self and with me as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself and another / the potential within the least potential by letting myself guided by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to be willing to be heard and to be willing to feel pain and instead, trying to push the potential to go through their pain so that the potential will not hurt me anymore and so, I do not have to feel pain myself and am ‘automatically’ being heard without putting in the effort to express myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get around ‘being heard and feeling pain’ and so actually choose the way to be hurt and so still, feeling pain but continuously in a compromised and abusive / manipulative way because I manipulate the situation myself, by letting myself guide by fear as the least potential and expressing me from this compromised starting-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder why the potential is not living the most potential when all the while, I am not living the most potential by/as myself and so resonating and living ‘fear as guidance’ as the least potential.

When and as I see myself in a position where another is ‘hurting me’, I stop and breathe. I realize that I somehow, somewhere am not willing to be heard and not willing to feel pain and so, somewhere /somehow, I am keeping my mouth closed from words that I need to express as the most potential or, that I am not willing to feel pain to transcent a point, which is now playing out as a consequential situation. I commit myself to find the point of fear that I need to transcent and apply self-forgiveness on it and to find the words to express within and as myself and so support myself to bring myself out of the compromised position; first within and when and as required, without.

When and as I see myself holding back to a potential within what I actually would like to express, I stop and breathe. I realize that I let myself guide by fear as my least potential, which may result in a consequential situation of being hurt. I commit myself to find what I fear (to loose) and to apply self-forgiveness on it and from here, support myself to bring myself into expression with words that are best for all (involved) as the most potential; to start and keep practicing over and over again and so accumulate in self-trust in very small steps, breathe by breathe, out of the easy way as the least potential and into self-expression as the most potential.

I commit myself to Will myself to be willing to be heard and to be willing to feel pain.

To be continued.


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 777 – Future projections and what I find behind it

Here I am sitting behind my computer on writing day 777 and I do not have a subject to write about. I do see how my mind goes into future-projections almost automaticely and me following up on this and only when I bring myself here with clear words of common sense, like ‘hey, this has all nothing to do with what I am doing in this moment and where I am’. So let’s do some self-forgiveness on this fenomene of future-projections, as I see myself often going into this in several ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into future projections as scenario’s that may take place in the future, as well in positive scenario’s as in negative scenario’s, where in I see that I do it as a way to distract myself from where I am at the moment, in time and space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use future projections as a way to experience something inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself occupied within creating experiences inside myself, connected to future-projections that I make up in my mind, that may be realistic, however,  it doesnot make sense to use it different or more or other than as a practical guideline for myself and my life in what I would like to live and create and what is realistic and practical within this and for the rest, it only functions as a distraction in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use future projections to not admit that I am actually participating in a fear of that what I want or prefer to happen in the future, to not take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feeling better than who I am and what I do in the moment, right now, by going into future projections that I would like to take place or happen in my life, as if where I am, who I am and what I do right now, is ‘not enough’ or not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never really be with my body and what happens within it because of going and being into all kind of scenario’s in and as my mind, related to the future or past, on long term or on short term, however, never really and fully being here in and as my physical body, as if this is not already enough to be with and as, as if the whole universum is not already taking place within and as all the organic functional processes in and as the universum of my physical body and myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and have separated myself from myself in and as my physical body and actually let my body do the constant working, without really seeing and understanding what and how my body do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel or have felt so much alone because I have separated myself from myself as life in and as my physical body and so, separated from the life in and as my physical body itself, by always wanting more and looking for more and somewhere else outside, in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak about projections, without really seeing, realizing and understanding how much I participate in future projections in and as myself.

When and as I see myself going into a future projection, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am going out of the moment and out of my body and shifting in and as the mind into a place where I assume that it may be better, in which I only make it impossible for myself to calm myself down or to be realistic with and as myself, because I do not see what it is that I shift away from and what makes me do so. I commit myself to take an inbreathe and stop, breathe out and bring myself here and look into and define what emotions I try to get away from and what I prefer to shift towards and from here, find a word that I can support myself with to live this ‘what I try to shift towards’ as an expression, right here and now, in and as myself as where I am at the moment in space, time and process.

In this way I will enable myself to make peace with myself in who I am and where I am in every moment of the process I walk and only in this way, enable myself to forgive and change myself into an expression in and as self-support and without the need to think or believe that ‘I miss out‘ on something ‘out there’ as where the mind is trying to distract me towards and away from myself.


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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive