Dag 821 – The core of my sadness

I was reflecting back – again – on the period of fertility (open link for related blogs) and not having decided to carry through a pregnancy. From where I finally come to the core of all the sadness within myself. The sadness that I projected on this ‘fertility’ process. On the ‘regret’ of how I have walked this period in my life, towards and after having an abortion at my 27th (for those who did not read any blog from me yet, I am 47 now).

What I did see within this as the core of the sadness within myself, is that I did not want it in the way that I was able to in that moment – which is also what I actually decided with and as, towards an abortion. But I did not fully stand within my decision because there were dimensions that I did not really consider at that time. And so I actually started to ‘step back’ of myself, to ‘let myself down’ in a way within my own decision. This due to all the emotional turmoil that did come up within me as a reaction; due to a fear of ‘missing out’ on the opportunity of a pregnancy; due to having my desires not fulfilled; due to not having finished what I started (getting pregnant) but what I actually should not have started at all within that period in my life.

So here I came to the point of admitting to myself of that what I really did and do not like and that did play a role in my actions with regards to the pregnancy: the way how many systems exist within myself and / as within this world (as for example the child-parent relationship within myself and the school system without myself) and how relationships functions in a way that I do not want to participate in. And how this is actually the reason for the deep sadness within me.

This all in the background and not yet having the tools to direct myself within it all, did bring up an experience of depression within me and I feared a postnatal depression as well – which I see as quite possible in that time, due to the situation that I choose to create. I projected the search for my potential of ‘birthing myself as life in the physical’ on ‘giving birth to a child’.

So actually, I did follow up on this ‘path’ of searching for myself in it all by deciding for an abortion, as the only option in that time ‘to stay true to myself’ (as I was not yet having the courage to decide to become a mom anyway, within my utmost potential). This ‘path’ or ‘search’ went on with a lot of distraction, mostly emotional distraction related to this area of relationships, love, sex and fertility. Where eventually I did come to a place where I finally saw things coming together, where I do see the ability to find myself and the confirmation of this possibility as ‘me’, as something that I always ‘felt’ and saw deep within me. Probably we all see and feel this within ourselves in some way – which is our true potential.

So this is my true potential, this ‘looking through’ things and directly see or sense the realness (and so the bullshit as well). But as with all human beings within and as the mind, is the veil set up very delicate so that we tend to get lost in distractions in some area, which in my case was the ‘veil of love‘ and everything related to this. Which made me ‘see’ in a way what is real – or actually to see what is not real – but at the same time I choose to let myself distract in it as well, believing that ‘it should be possible in my way’. Where ‘my way’ did contain a way where I could still place my desires above my self-honesty.

This does not mean that ‘I am not allowed to have any desire’ as within a desire, a true potential may be hidden. However my self-honesty comes first, so that I can lead and direct myself within a desire and find my true potential as that part of me that is still channeled within that desire, in and as the mind. So that I have the strength (as in ‘I can trust my self-honesty’ see previous blog) and patience to stand and keep standing within the point of self-honesty, even and when and as this means that ‘I stand alone’.

I need to be my own reference that I can trust in eternity. And so I did come to live in and as my own worst nightmare, meaning that I needed to let go of that desired outcome, in my case up to the point of accepting that it will not happen in this life-time and guess what – within my own worst nightmare, within this deep dark forest in and as myself – I find myself, my self-honesty, this eternal depth of who I am and who I can stand with into eternity. In and as the principles of life.

So this ‘endless’ sadness that exists within me, I found related to the illusions within how the world (= the human mind) is set up. Where we all have channeled our true potential within our desires, living them out at the cost of life. Imagine if we all do that. If I look directly at what it created as consequences within my own life and how many years I have followed the distractions and how this accumulated; then imagine if we all do that and how this accumulates at large scale, up to the point where we totally loose sight of our self-honesty and how to bring this back to where it belongs: we need to put our self-honesty first and using ‘desires’ to live our utmost potential. Where it actually are not really desires anymore and where it can become a living expression of our uniqueness within.

Even if I do live my self-honesty in many area’s in my life (which I did) but still not in one area (as I did) – I am still fucked and my life is still fucked up and sucked within this one (major) illusion. Where I project all my sadness on this illusion. However the real sadness is valid, because of how I exist within how this world exists. So the only solution is to stop loosing myself in distractions of any kind and start directing myself within and as my core and strength, within and as the power of ‘I can trust my self-honesty’.

And this part of me, is never lost and I cannot loose it. The emotional sadness I will be able to stop, when and as I connect with this part, with this strength within and as myself and from here with others within this same point. And then together we look for solutions based on this point of self-honesty, as what is best for all life. Welcome to Desteni.

Because it is Desteni as the group that I recognized as where everything comes together. Without this group, I would not have been able to be who I am now and where I am now. My self-honesty would then probably still have been an undefined potential within me. Yes, I need to walk through desires and challenge myself to walk into this deep dark wood within and as myself. But this group will not ask me to give up my integrity, it simply is not possible, because it is build on integrity, it is set up and exists as Life Integrity Itself, in and as The Principles of Life. So we only encourage ourselves and each other at the same time, to find and live this integrity, as what is best for life as a whole – which obviously, includes the life within and as myself. Where Bernard mentioned sometimes: eventually Desteni becomes your relationship. But I am still figuring out those words.

Looking at it this way, I was quite effective in achieving my goals lol. The misalignment was my starting-point and so that what I initiated, did not keep standing because I could not keep standing or standing up in it. Or simply said: I was not ready to live in a self-honest way that what I initiated (becoming pregnant and a mother) and so the fear took over. In certain time after the abortion, I was not even ready to take care of a cat (I tried for a week) as it overwhelmed me too much; I needed all the attention focused inward myself to sit with myself and my emotions. I was self-honest enough to not be able to build a life on a starting-point of self-dishonesty. But I was not self-honest enough to accept my own self-honesty, to recognize and stand within my own strength: I can trust my self-honesty. And so, whatever I decided back in that days felt like a loss.

And so, back to current time, I am exactly where I need to be as what I created, accepted and allowed, within the strength of guiding myself through the consequences, into and as my true potential. Piecing myself back together, finding the core of my sadness and finding the strength within me to start trusting my self-honesty in every small moment as a ‘strong woman’ and finding the courage to finally finally, start making ‘mistakes’ as a learning-process into the new.

This is me. If I can do it, so can you. Alone yet together.

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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

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Proces van wereldverandering:
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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 810 – Defining the worst in myself

I was reading this blog of Marlen about her early stages of pregnancy and a few words stroke me with regards to my own process (in the past but also present in a way):

 (…) And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, (…)

Here I finally came to defining what did bring me within myself to make a decision towards an abortion, now almost 20 years ago. I have written a whole blogserie with sound cloud recordings about it and mostly processed everything involved, however I noticed that it still did come up in a way with experiences of regret and a lack of self-understanding in some dimension of it. I was thinking if it perhaps was related to the pre-menopause that I feel that I am physically entering, however then still it did not make really sense to me, as if it would ‘never go away’.

Her words in the blog of ‘it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ – here I saw directly within me, it was the worst of me that said ‘no’ and from here, I had locked myself in at the age of 28, exactly as how we were pre-programmed. And from here on, I have seen myself living the worst of me in this area, until last year where I had to force myself to step out of it, out of a relationship where in as well my ex as I, were more and more living the worst of ourselves. He more in actions, me more in accepting and allowing (that’s another topic worth for a blog – the role of accepting and allowing and what this means). Here I received the words from my own beingness as support:

“Allow yourself to cry and let go because it’s a letting go of the worst of you”.

From the age of 16, I have actually felt more conscious this ‘heavy, dark, thing’ inside me and here at my 16th it is were I started to ‘kill the life in me’ in a way as tending to become anorectic. And so I walked on this edge for years, not falling into the valley, but walking on the edge, every time going to hit the confrontation but not crossing the line in a way were I would loose myself completely (this ‘not loosing myself’ is probably related to how my physical body and mind within is set up – see blog – where I early became aware of my emotional state through the effect on my organs).

However within this pattern, I was kind of lost anyway, in the sense that I was not able to really change in it all. And this is what I define as the worst in me, this destruction where in I literally kill the life in different forms, or perhaps better described as to ‘nip life in the bud‘ (het leven in de kiem smoren – Dutch) and / or at least have the tendency to do this. I now do understand why I had such a prominent reflection of self-destruction in this last partnership, where every potential of growth would almost immediately be destroyed after the first blooming.

This ‘killing the life within me’ I need to have a deeper look at. It seems like a religious pre-programming that I tend to live out within suppression, within my own physical body mostly, through acceptance and allowance. And a child would bring out all of this what I suppressed – including all my self-interests and/as a fear of ‘not finding this so called ‘loved one’ – and I knew this and also knew that I did not yet have the tools to support myself effectively within it all and so, what then probably should happened, is that I transferred it towards the child; because, I was afraid to stand up and stand my ground in many ways. Which I wanted to prevent and so, I prevented this by the decision for an abortion.

This sounds nobel, however in the core, I was killing an opportunity to let come forward the best of me as well, to move through and go beyond all the fears and self-limitations. And this I felt reflected – already from the beginning that I find out that I was pregnant – in the fact that deeply within me, I would have wanted to give birth to this child. I will never know how I would have managed or not. Probably I would not have lived my best then either, because as I said, I did not yet have the tools to effectively support myself to do so. So it was a choice within two compromised scenario’s and that had to do with my starting-point in how I did become pregnant and who I was in it back then – all described in the mentioned blog-serie with sound cloud and specifically in this blog.

It is now since a year that I finally gain weight in a very natural way and even without someone really noticing is, as it comes in all parts of my body and I see for myself that I now have this body that belongs to me, my constitution in a way, as I recognize it from before my 16th. I knew and felt that I was slightly underweight for years, however I could not bring myself back to my more physical and natural state on long term. Interestingly enough it was in this last relationship that I learned from my ex to ‘eat again’, however there was way too much stress and so only when being and living alone again, I now had this reference to eat and I kept eating in this way and with the reduce of the stress and the process of letting go of the worst of me, I naturally gain some weight, I assume something between 3-5 kilo, which is quite a lot for my posture and really makes a difference in my physical well-being.

Another point of cross-reference that came up after this realization today, is that I immediately and finally can make peace with the leaving of a friend years ago. I was not fighting it, however still reacting inside myself to her decision and with this defining of the worst of me, this dark, heavy thing, I see now that underneath everything, I am quite sure that this is what she walked away from. Anyway it is not up to me to discuss her motivations, but within me it becomes quiet with regards to this event.

When looking back at my life in this area, I feel compassion for myself in how awful, how horrid this all was, this deep dark heavy thing as a red line throughout my life and that showed mostly it’s face with regards to intimate relationships and fertility, but in general it was something always underlying and in the background; but elusive at the same time. (I see now that this also needs a blog by itself about this dark heavy thing and what I was searching for.) If I scroll through the mentioned and related blog-serie, it is like a long compromising path, as a never ending nightmare that I do not recommend anyone to live.

However, it did keep me searching for solutions, the ‘full moon‘ in me did keep shining and I have not given up on this and so I have not given up on myself within this, although I have been close to giving up several times – where exactly in those moments, when sitting down and not knowing what to do anymore, I found support in some alternative way or pushed myself to find it – and ofcourse lived many experiences of ‘giving up’ in small and large moments. This dark heavy undercurrent and the – for myself noticeable – effect of my mind on my physical body, is what brought me to the living principles in my life, to the study of natural medicine, to all the alternative ways of support, to supportive friendships and interactions and eventually to Desteni.

I have missed the opportunity to find myself in the years of fertility and so, to give birth to another life / beingness and this gives a point of regret in an irreversible way; it is the reality of myself and a reflection of the current state of the world as well.

But; I have still years before me to birth myself as life from the physical and to open up and strengthen a connection between my beingness and my physical body, while still walking through my own created mind-patterns and accepted and allowed programmings. I have years before me to let go of the worst of me, to recognize when I tend to enter this, to see where and how I have suppressed all of this and to make the decision to now change towards living my utmost potential. And I have years before me to walk this in mutual support within Desteni and within this world and my living environment and with the people and animals around me.

Only when facing, recognizing / understanding / forgiving and defining this worst in myself, I will be able to let it go. Here we have a groupchat on this topic as well.


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 784 – Depression and attention

Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

Dag 782 – The experience of depression opening up

I am now ready to have a look at what is described in the video about depression by Bernard Poolman. It is a ‘strong’ and radical approach of what depression entails – if not created by chemical disbalanscoming forward out of lack of nutrition, which then gives  physical heaviness that we create an idea about that can be experienced as depression. In this I see that this is one experience that I have had many times, coming forward out of a physical stagnation and disbalans within my intestines,which in itself is again having a factor of the mind-consciousness-system in it and containing certain mind-patterns and self-beliefs, from myself and/or generations before, that I then have internalized.

This experience of physical heaviness, I learned to recognize and see that it is indeed not really a depression that I am dealing with but mind-states and physical disbalances that need my attention. Actually it has been the entry-point for me to walk the Desteni-I-Process. Entry-point meaning, the point where in I recognized the Desteni material as essential and wholesome, to start to understand the real and individual, internal mind-being-body relationship. (where in this is then again related to how we as humanity have accepted,  allowed and created this world as how it exists today).

There is also an aspect that is described in this video that I do recognize within myself and that perhaps is again related to creating at first this internalized mind-patterns that then is having an effect on my physical body. So really spiraling myself (locked) inwards in a way, instead of expressing myself in and as life, outwards.

I do have an example where in I recognize the statement in this video that “depression is an attempt to gain attention and so, an attempt to try to control outcomes, related to the view that something else or someone else is responsible to make me happy”. And, what I do see it starting with more consious at the age of 16 , is “a form of self-judgement taking place during the proces of depression (from a conversation happening within as a feeling, idea, self-talk or physial movement internalizing”).

For now I take out the example that I do recognize as an attempt to gain attention, which I do see related in the situation that I wrote many blogs about, where I have been pregnant for a few weeks at the age of 27 (before the abortion took place). Here in I remember a moment where I was laying on a cough alone in my room, and sinking in within an experience of depression and a fear of having a post-natale depression. And this was related to me being pregnant in this early state of a relationship, from someone I did not particularly want to be with and then having the fear that by having a child, I would not have the time or possibility to ‘find that particularly one’.

This is really what was actually going on within myself and which has been part of my decision to have an abortion, where before, I deep within me – as how I experienced it as ‘deep within my heart – I wanted to let this baby be born. (Within the whole blog-serie I have written out all other aspects that I see related to this decision making).

Basicely what I have done, is that I have ‘controled the outcome’ by stopping the pregnancy and moving on with my life as how I knew it. During that time, I did not have the tools and self-support to recognize this experience of depression as ‘an attempt to control the outcome’. I do not say, again, that this decision was ‘wrong’ and seeing the circomstances and my inner state and possibilities in that time, it may have been the best to do, as I was not able to take responsibility for what I would pass through to the child, where in I was aware that I would pass through certain patterns that I was not yet able to direct myself in and as and that I was not satisfied about, at all, but still existing within a point of blame. However, it is certainly a factor for myself here to recognize and admit, and see the banality of what is behind this decision making during that time. Banality not meaning judgemental but ‘for what it is’.

Simply said, I did not have the self-mastership to be happy with myself in any given situation, and “holding others responsible for making me happy” (which I projected on searching for an intimate partner / relationship). And this is exactly what I deeply experienced like ‘how can I be an example for a child to live and be happy and satisfied with oneself, if I am not having find this within and as myself?’. I would then automatically expect the child ‘to make me happy’ or start living the mechanism to hide this, and so ‘keeping distance’. Which I both did not see as an option to live out and as I said, not yet having the tools to support myself in this effectively.

And this is what I can make peace with within and as myself. I truly did not yet have the tools, the information and self-direction to move myself towards this and so, I would not have given the child an example of what I very deep within, did see as a potential, as my potential, of what I now can describe as learning what it means to live from a starting-point of self-responsibility and practising this.

So here, an experience of depression can be a guideline and signal for myself, for ourself, that I am not yet moving within and from a point of self-mastery. Not to be harsh on myself but to actually, come closer towards myself, to become more self-intimate within and towards self-honesty and looking directly at the banality of the points and experiences within myself. This partly exist within self-interest within and as feelings, emotions, experiences, ideas, expectations but contain as well an essence of myself in it; the one that I can ‘free’ and bring into self-expression, once that I have pulled of the layers off and while pulling off this layers, of all these inner dialoges, experiences, ideas, expectations, etc. Still, the most effective way for me is and has been writing it out within the application of self-forgiveness.

Thanks for reading, so far for today.

Disclaimer: this blog contains an individual path walked and can not be used as a medical advise. When one is struggling with a form of depression that one is not able to handle, I recommend to reach out for specilized support.


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De Kronieken van Jezus

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 778 – Am I originally / inherently good or do ‘I within’ need self-direction as well?

In a blog-serie last year I have written a lot about my walk through the years of fertility and what I have faced and found during this period. I have also described how I have diminished myself in a decision where in I did not give myself the time to consider all dimensions within myself and so not without as well, which has lead to consequences. Not persé that the decision in itself was ‘a bad decision’ but more the not considering was what I see that I have hurted myself with (and others as an outflow of this).

I am now walking through a phase where in I for the first time, start pushing through my ‘natural’ protection-mechanism as a ‘barriére’ so to speak. And I am quite surprised to see how strong the self-sabotage is coming up in this. Self-sabotage meaning, in several moments coming up a strong idea that I ‘need to get out of this’ and go back to my well-known confortable area in and as myself and so, in and as my life. Also here to say that this is not ‘bad’ or something and it served me very well to keep myself stable and strengthening myself in my tasks and responsibilities, but more that I see that there is an unknown area waiting from which I do not know the outcome and so actually, from which I do need to let go of the control of ‘already knowing where to go’ more or less and walking day by day and creating along the way with the opportunities opening up in this time-frame.

And this is exactly what I have been avoiding, for example in the example of decision making in the years of fertility, where in the new area felt so completely unsafe and me not yet having the skills and (self)-support to walk into it and so, I backed of, I pulled back. It very well possible, may have been the right decision in that moment, in which I have prevented myself and others, for a real ‘loosing of control’ or direction so to speak – I will never know,  but more based on what I see how much I lack in and as self-direction in this specific area of relationships and fertility and only by now, starting to opening up to be able to start to apply myself more directed.

I would like to give this as an example and these series that I have written and spoken as well, of how strong a self-limitation can come up and how realistic it may present itself, with all kind of reasonings that may be valid or not and even if the reasonings are ‘catched’ and made invalid within myself, still I surprisingly find ‘myself as a reason’ to not move forward and beyond the old, to stay in my well-known area of who I have been all these years before and probably many life-times before. So ‘the me within’ is not already shaped and done and developped as my utmost potential so as in so many spiritual trends is stated, as if inside we are already ‘good’. I find now that this is not the case; also ‘the me within’ is very much influenced and programmed and protective based.

What does very well support me in this is looking at the practical situation, the stability and possibilities and the effect of my decisions on others as well and with what decision I can stand in eternity, no matter what the final outcome is. So basicely, to keep standing within principle and integrity, is what is of support for myself to not go off track and to keep standing and moving and following up on what I have initiated and walked so far. Also when doubts, hesitations, reasons, preferences, emotions and even physical manifestations are coming up, then I have my point of cross-reference in/as myself: with what can I stand in eternity for and as myself in what is here in this moment and situation? Not as an absolute outcome for allways but as what is best right now and from here, walking from moment to moment and in consideration of how the mind can or may present itself (and so I within and as, because it is me in the end who decides) almost turned around, as a turned around projection of what is best; as a negative of a picture that needs to be developped with chemicals.

Considering all aspects that I see involved, within and without,putting a guard for my mouth to not speak in a way that create unneccessary consequences and to first seeing what is needed to forgive and correct within myself and what is real and practical and physical possible and from here, carefully moving forward into the direction that is physically opening up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somehow think and believe that if my intentions are good, that I am then ‘good’ as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that good intentions alone can give the opposite outcome in physical reality if and when I do not fully understand the functioning and programming of myself in/and/as my mind and within and as my beingness as well and how this is then actually me creating or participating in an evil outcome in and as this physical reality and if and when I am not willing to really look at this, I disable myself to forgive and correct my inherent evil nature that I am hiding within and behind good intentions.

I commit myself to discover, forgive and correct my good intentions and the ‘evil’ that is hiding behind it, in and as myself as the opposite of ‘life’ (as for example in self-interest, judgements and fears) and I commit myself in this way to enable myself to consider the physical, practical circumstances as well as the principles and integrity of Life itself as for example ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’, as a guideline to create an outcome that is aligned with my potential to be and become a considering and trustable, living human being.

Bernard gave me the subject of ‘Paranoia in and as the intention of the New Age Movement‘ to write some blogs about in 2012 and I took this on (written in Dutch), however only by now, I start seeing it within myself and how I was/am holding on onto good intentions (and/as paranoia) within and as myself and keeping a backdoor open within this. During those time, he has assisted me with a few points that I am still walking and that I will write about more in time to come, as it is fascinating to see how his support (representing Life itself) stretches out over years and this to fully grasp what he was pointing out, to take on and walk through the programming within and as myself.

So far for now; thanks for reading.


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Uil forgive

 

Dag 766 – What I find related to the word ‘abandoned’

 

Continuing from Dag 765 – Abandoned

Abandoned

After sitting with myself and the cats, speaking self-forgiveness on what is coming up within me while focussing on the area of my physical body around pelvic and lower belly area:

Ovaria’s; at the high of

Not feeling worthy as a woman without having children

Like failed

Not on a consiousness level but deep stored within me and even not knowing where it comes from, other then through generational lines and/or passed lives, from which I understand that what I live in this life is enough to take on, as in this life I live the same sort of patterns as probably in many lifes before and only by now I have the tools to step forward, to stand up in it for and as myself, with the application of self-forgiveness, self-correction and living words as the beginning of self-expression in this process.

An experience of ‘failure’ on a belief that I first took on as something that I needed to reach as how it is also placed in the world, as if the only way of living or passing life, is through giving birth through children instead, of birthing ourself as life from the physical in actively deciding within awareness who we are in thought, word and deed and living this decision as well. So ‘the world’ is mostly showing as if ‘building a family’ or giving birth to a child,  is the only way to ‘birth life’ and through trying to attempt this, I am missing myself as a real living being mostly and ‘missing the point’ completely in this state of survival.

Not having given myself the chance to really ‘choose’ or decide in this because of already taken on this belief and so follwing up on this, while at the same time noticing several hesitations in it, however still following up on this ‘automatic/programmed belief’. And within this, causing myself a lot of sadness and grief.

I stillcould feel this deep stored within me with still emotions attached (after a whole serie written about this that starts here). Feeling abandoned in this, feeling like ‘no man would stay with me if I am not carrying/have carried their child’. Abandoning myself within a self-created belief of failure.

Also, deep sadness for all the ‘homeless’ in this world including animals and the suffering from this. Homeless, also like abandoned.

Sitting with Snoo the cat from who I picked up (and confirmed without me sharing this, via someone who is picking up some signals from animals – this is not a ‘real communication with animals’, for some more information about this I would recommend the interviews that start here) that she would have liked to have little kittens but where is decided for her to get sterilized. Which in this situation (she lived as a cat from the street in Egypt and came via a shelterhouse to my house) and in this time where we live, is the best to do. However, these decisions are made without including the animals in it. Which I still felt sad about and I took responsibility for this experience of ‘guilt’ through apologizing as a human being, as asking forgiveness for humanity as a whole in who we are at the moment with regards to animals. This gave great release from the experience of guilt, within taking responsibility as a human being, for something that I did not directly do myself to her but the ‘species’ I belong to does within a world that we have all acccepted and allowed to exist within separation from life and so, I am responsible as well.

Additional self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my reproduction-system and ability to reproduce, related to the sex-system and love-system and within this, making myself myself inferior to ‘life’ as myself as life, within a separation of myself in an accepted and allowed belief in the self-created reality of the ‘love-system’ and the sex and reproduction that is connected within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to see and live myself as an individual and satisfied living being without ‘being related’ to a child and/or partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a failure if and when I do not succeed to maintain a pregnancy and/or intimate relationship, as if this are the only two ‘purposes’ in life to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on a deep level, tend to compromise myself for within my fertile years, an attempt in trying to get pregnant and during and after this, an attempt in trying to get or maintain a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the new and open area of giving myself and living a purpose within, as and for myself, that is not related to pregnancy/motherhood or a personal intimate relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it quite rediculous that I have accepted and allowed and accept and allow, so much distraction within and as myself by moving into and living out the love, sex and reproduction system, where in I at the same time see, realize and understand that within and embracing myself of who I am within this, I will be able to forgive, correct and change myself and the relationship with myself in this as a fundament for relationships with others and from here, ‘breathing life’ into myself and redefining love, sex and reproduction towards supportive area’s for myself and others as what is best for life as a whole, as an area to live, learn, grow and expand as individual and responsible living beings.

I notice that the left-bottom side of my large intestine is giving signals now of ‘pain’ or crampings, that is already here for minutes but that I at first did not bring into my awareness, so much am I used to this coming and going of these cramping pains and en emotion related to this that I have not yet defined and forgiven, however it releases a bit when now noticing and mentioning it.

Some words that come up: inferior, diminishing, unworthy, not allowed, accepted limitations, shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down and stop expanding myself after an attempt of fulfilling a pregnancy or relationship and so, making this area the ‘only way or possibility’ to expand within and as myself and here limiting myself in my individual grow and making myself dependent on the will and responsibility of another to grow and expand within a relationship and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my will to grow and expand, dependent on the will to grow and expand of (the presence of) a partner.

The overall word here: dependency

Which is something to bring back to myself as in self-dependency in and as the will to live and to stop the mind-dependency in and as the polarity of the energy-generation (as in for example the system of love, sex and reproduction).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in an experience of missing and distracting myself within this, where in I see, realize and understand how I create this experience within and as myself, through accepting and allowing a ‘building of relationships’ on the (unconscious) starting-point of the ‘love and sex-system’ and in the hope and expectation of the ability to transform this into an absolute unconditional relationship and sharing, where in the real missing is the missing of an absolute unconditional relationship with another human being, that I have channeled into the sharing of myself within the physical intimicy within ‘love and sex’ or ‘love as sex’ within a partner-relationship and so creating a dependency on each other on short-term, within and as the belief/fear and so judgement, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time’ in walking towards the individual starting-point of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and so judge, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge myself in my own will and ability to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility without another human being as a partner and from here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge a partner for leaving me and so, taking away the ‘free will’ of another in making their own decision in what to walk and how to do this towards a point of self-responsibility, as I restrict this to ‘staying with me’ as the only or ‘best’ way and so, becoming ‘forcing’ in this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fail’ by going into reacting from a starting-point of ‘fear of loss’ and here, start ‘forcing another’ who is picking up and reacting to this ‘force’ and then ‘going away’ and so I am ‘loosing the connection’ that I initially feared to loose and that I now co-created myself in reality.

From here I then go into an experience of guilt and finding as if I ‘failed’ and that ‘it is my fault’ that another goes in which I enlarge the ‘fear of making mistakes’ within myself where in I then enlarge the pressure within myself and reflecting this towards others as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all I am able to do, is taking responsibility for myself in this as how I here, bring a reaction back to self and realizing that if my reaction is causing another to stay or go, that this has to do with what is already going on inside themself that I have triggered with my reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost petrify myself within a fear of making a mistake and then causing another lo leave (me), up to the point where I cannot bear the pressure anymore of my own petrification and so, suddenly ‘lash out’ in a reaction with the result of that what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the rsult of my own reaction as if it is all my responsibility and within this, trying to take ‘responsibility for two’ out of a fear that another is not willing or yet able to do this by/for themself and so walking away whenever I may react or make a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘staying with me’ or ‘staying with you’ above ‘taking responsibility for and as ourself’ and so, walk from a turned around starting-point which in itself, is doomed to explode and ‘break up’ because the foundation to build on and from, is not yet stable and constant in and as what is best for a life in and as self-responsibility.

And here, an experience of ‘being abandoned’ is created as being abandoned from a (soul?)-connection that is still origined from or connected to a belief or idea within and as the love-/sex-system as ‘being together for always no matter what’ and a fear of standing alone, so actually being abandoned from a continuation of an energy-experience.

To be continued.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 754 – To never accept and allow it again

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’,  if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

Thanks for reading!


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 750 – 29. Care as motivation

This blog is related to record 29: Care as motivation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘having a child’ and/or ‘being in a relationship’ must be ‘taken care of’ before I actually and really will be able to take care of myself in and as life and/as life as a whole, where in my self-interest – showing it’s face in ‘emotional experiences’ of ‘unfulfilled desires’ – is ‘leading me‘ or better said ‘controling me’ where in I also not take care in what is best for myself and so, I keep myself actually prisoned or controled within my own emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself locked in within the control of my emotional experiences of unfulfilled desires in which I believe that ‘I can not live without’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can not live without that what I desire, where I use this actually as a distraction within and as myself, in and as my own mind as a belief that I can not live without the control of my own mind within thoughts, feelings and emotions, as this then ‘feels like I die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I will die’ without having a connection within and as my mind where in I channel myself into certain desires, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this I project my own mind in the ‘state of death’ or ‘sleeping state’ that I exist in within this moment while participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions and following and believing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow thoughts, feelings and emotions in and as my mind within polarity that lead up to ‘a death end’ when the energy of polarity runs out, instead of looking at ‘living words’ that are best for all, including myself, that I can assist and support myself with and ‘breathe’ myself into life with, step by step, day by day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blanko and tired here without exactly seeing what and how I do ‘hold onto’ certain experiences related to ‘love and relationships’ and what this ‘gives’ to me.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of fear, related to a relationship, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear is an experience of the other side of the coin of the experience of love and that I may have gone into an experience of love, to not ‘feel’ the experience of fear or ‘uncertainty’ within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perhaps go into an experience of love to not feel the experience of fear or uncertainty within and as myself.

I commit myself to slow down and look carefully into the experience of fear within and as myself, within the realization that ‘fear of another’ is a thought in essence and so, there is a judgement as thought connected within and as myself, towards this ‘other’ as myself and so I also commit myself to realize that there is then most of time a self-judgement involved and so, I commit myself to keep on finding the thoughts as (self)-judgements and forgiving myself within, related to an experience of fear/love towards someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferences in life as for example I do naturally like animals and so, this is a more easy motivation for me to ‘take care’, for myself and for life as a whole and that I still do experience quite some fear as resistance to ‘people’ which is because of how the mind consciousness systems are living out the inequality.

When and as I experience a fear as resistance coming up within me in interaction with another person, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am reacting to how an inequality is living out and that I ‘fear’ to keep standing and so, I somewhere judge myself in this fear and state of ineffectiveness or, I judge myself for the same thing that I do not yet see within and as myself.

I commit myself to embrace and forgive myself for my own inequalities in and as this fear as thoughts as judgements that comes up when and as an inequality is playing out and I commit myself to find and use a living word in which I make myself more effective and directed to what I see that is supporting me to stand up, to keep standing and stable in a way that is best for myself as well as for others involved, in the small moments of every day life.

Previous blog: 28. Learned a lot

(Related blog: Dag 810 – Defining the worst in myself)

This blog 29 is connected to the last record of this serie of self-reflection on the years of my biological fertility. I have found it of great support for myself to walk it all through and share, to free myself from a certain ‘charge’ that I experienced to it all and while doing so, I could bring it back to experiences coming up within situations in current time and bring this into self-forgiveness as well.

Thank you for reading, listening and walking with.

I will continue with what is ahead and coming up within myself and my life to take care of, within and as myself, for myself and for life as a whole. It may only reach one or a few other beings at the moment, however I do understand that a ripple effect will take place that I/we may not yet see or be aware of, as every one who is taking responsibility is part of a one+one+one.

Dag 810 – Defining the worst in myself


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De Kronieken van Jezus

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive