Dag 788 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of neutrality

For context see Dag 787 – The experience of neutrality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try to keep and/or bring myself back to a state, an experience of neutrality as ‘everything will be alright’ within and as myself and everytime that some internal or external stimulus is triggering me, I am reacting within an experience of fear and so, keeping myself in a constant experience of fear, for being moved out this state of neutrality as ‘the me that I feel confortably in’ or, an experience of fear when I have moved out of this state because of reacting to an internal or external stimulus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually not in one moment, be relaxed in and as myself, in and as my physical body but constantly existing in an experience or almost state of fear or anxiety of ‘not being who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then use this as an enslavement to adrenaline, in and as my mind consciousness system, to continuously generate energy within me, by existing in and as an experience or state of fear or anxiety and from here, looking for acceptance as and experience of ‘love’ as the opposite of fear, when this experience is then only enlarging the experience of fear, because I can loose this experience as well, as long as it is not based in and as self-acceptance of who I am, who I have become and within the commitment of doing the best I can to move myself and the relationships I participate in, to an outcome that is best for myself and others in and as ‘life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite lost in this experience or state of fear and circling in and around it within and as myself, in a constant experience of ‘being in a hurry’ and ‘feeling not good enough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of fear and so keeping myself inable to look at the fear and start seeing it for what it is, so that I can support myself to ground myself in and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change something, myself and the relationships internal and external, while I am still coming from this startingpoint as inner experience or state of fear (of loosing this neutral experience actually as that I feel confortably in) and so the outcome of my attempts, is still resonating fear, instead of direct seeing in common sense.

So here I realize that to be able change, I need to be willing to give up this experience of neutrality within and as me, otherwise I am only walking in cycles in and as fear – from fear to a moment of comfortability which still contains a fear in it as fear of loosing this comfortability again – and so, keeping myself prissoned in this experience or state.

I commit myself to, when and as an experience of fear is coming up, to not react in fear but to support myself in looking at the fear, by looking at the energy and seeing how it moves within my body, by recognizing it as ‘fear’ instead of reacting to it, where from here I can see if I can more specificely define how I really experience myself within and as this ‘fear’, if there are other emotions or even feelings related, as a start to ground myself within where and who I am in this moment.

I commit myself to stand by and with myself in this process, to make peace with the uncomfortability, the misalignments, the friction, the mistakes, the hesitations, resistances, dissatisfactions coming up within me, as a part of moving myself towards an alignment in who I am deep inside as a being and who I only can be in this physical reality, if I as this being am moving myself to come through within and as my physical body, by walking through all the discomforts and frictions that I have accepted and allowed within and as myself to exist, in and as this experience of neutrality that holds the fear ‘dormant’ and so myself within and to keep walking and moving, altough I may ‘not want it’ in many moments.

I commit myself to be gentle with myself in this process, as in gentle but firm, as in understanding yet moving through, step by step, breath by breath and to do take moments in between to relatively ‘relax’ as in doing things that I like.

To be continued

What is Process? – Back to Basics


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Dag 784 – Depression and attention

Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

Dag 782 – The experience of depression opening up

I am now ready to have a look at what is described in the video about depression by Bernard Poolman. It is a ‘strong’ and radical approach of what depression entails – if not created by chemical disbalanscoming forward out of lack of nutrition, which then gives  physical heaviness that we create an idea about that can be experienced as depression. In this I see that this is one experience that I have had many times, coming forward out of a physical stagnation and disbalans within my intestines,which in itself is again having a factor of the mind-consciousness-system in it and containing certain mind-patterns and self-beliefs, from myself and/or generations before, that I then have internalized.

This experience of physical heaviness, I learned to recognize and see that it is indeed not really a depression that I am dealing with but mind-states and physical disbalances that need my attention. Actually it has been the entry-point for me to walk the Desteni-I-Process. Entry-point meaning, the point where in I recognized the Desteni material as essential and wholesome, to start to understand the real and individual, internal mind-being-body relationship. (where in this is then again related to how we as humanity have accepted,  allowed and created this world as how it exists today).

There is also an aspect that is described in this video that I do recognize within myself and that perhaps is again related to creating at first this internalized mind-patterns that then is having an effect on my physical body. So really spiraling myself (locked) inwards in a way, instead of expressing myself in and as life, outwards.

I do have an example where in I recognize the statement in this video that “depression is an attempt to gain attention and so, an attempt to try to control outcomes, related to the view that something else or someone else is responsible to make me happy”. And, what I do see it starting with more consious at the age of 16 , is “a form of self-judgement taking place during the proces of depression (from a conversation happening within as a feeling, idea, self-talk or physial movement internalizing”).

For now I take out the example that I do recognize as an attempt to gain attention, which I do see related in the situation that I wrote many blogs about, where I have been pregnant for a few weeks at the age of 27 (before the abortion took place). Here in I remember a moment where I was laying on a cough alone in my room, and sinking in within an experience of depression and a fear of having a post-natale depression. And this was related to me being pregnant in this early state of a relationship, from someone I did not particularly want to be with and then having the fear that by having a child, I would not have the time or possibility to ‘find that particularly one’.

This is really what was actually going on within myself and which has been part of my decision to have an abortion, where before, I deep within me – as how I experienced it as ‘deep within my heart – I wanted to let this baby be born. (Within the whole blog-serie I have written out all other aspects that I see related to this decision making).

Basicely what I have done, is that I have ‘controled the outcome’ by stopping the pregnancy and moving on with my life as how I knew it. During that time, I did not have the tools and self-support to recognize this experience of depression as ‘an attempt to control the outcome’. I do not say, again, that this decision was ‘wrong’ and seeing the circomstances and my inner state and possibilities in that time, it may have been the best to do, as I was not able to take responsibility for what I would pass through to the child, where in I was aware that I would pass through certain patterns that I was not yet able to direct myself in and as and that I was not satisfied about, at all, but still existing within a point of blame. However, it is certainly a factor for myself here to recognize and admit, and see the banality of what is behind this decision making during that time. Banality not meaning judgemental but ‘for what it is’.

Simply said, I did not have the self-mastership to be happy with myself in any given situation, and “holding others responsible for making me happy” (which I projected on searching for an intimate partner / relationship). And this is exactly what I deeply experienced like ‘how can I be an example for a child to live and be happy and satisfied with oneself, if I am not having find this within and as myself?’. I would then automatically expect the child ‘to make me happy’ or start living the mechanism to hide this, and so ‘keeping distance’. Which I both did not see as an option to live out and as I said, not yet having the tools to support myself in this effectively.

And this is what I can make peace with within and as myself. I truly did not yet have the tools, the information and self-direction to move myself towards this and so, I would not have given the child an example of what I very deep within, did see as a potential, as my potential, of what I now can describe as learning what it means to live from a starting-point of self-responsibility and practising this.

So here, an experience of depression can be a guideline and signal for myself, for ourself, that I am not yet moving within and from a point of self-mastery. Not to be harsh on myself but to actually, come closer towards myself, to become more self-intimate within and towards self-honesty and looking directly at the banality of the points and experiences within myself. This partly exist within self-interest within and as feelings, emotions, experiences, ideas, expectations but contain as well an essence of myself in it; the one that I can ‘free’ and bring into self-expression, once that I have pulled of the layers off and while pulling off this layers, of all these inner dialoges, experiences, ideas, expectations, etc. Still, the most effective way for me is and has been writing it out within the application of self-forgiveness.

Thanks for reading, so far for today.

Disclaimer: this blog contains an individual path walked and can not be used as a medical advise. When one is struggling with a form of depression that one is not able to handle, I recommend to reach out for specilized support.


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 783 – Wie ben ik in aanraking?

Als ik iemand aanraak, wie ben ik dan hierin? Geef ik mezelf, dus raak ik de ander aan in en als mezelf, of raak ik de ander aan om ‘iets te halen’ bij die ander? Hiermee bedoel ik dan, om mezelf beter te laten voelen door de ander en door hetgeen een aanraking van die ander, in mij teweeg brengt als innerlijke, energetische reactie. Dus vanuit het startpunt om ‘een gevoel op te wekken’ in mezelf als ik de ander aanraak. Als ik dat aan het doen ben, ben ik mezelf namelijk niet aan het geven, maar kom ik meer vanuit een (subtiele/verborgen) verwachting naar de ander toe, echter ik doe alsof ik iets geef (namelijk een aanraking).

Dit lijkt een klein, onbelangrijk, onwaarneembaar verschil, echter ik zie dit als het grote probleem achter aanraking en allerlei situaties waarom aanrakingen, knuffels en eventueel fysieke intimiteit (zoals binnen een partnerschap), niet lekker loopt. Want we nemen het wel waar op fysiek niveau en binnenin onszelf en vroeg of laat zullen we hiervan weg bewegen als we zo worden aangeraakt, ook al is het onszelf misschien niet duidelijk waarom we weg bewegen. En, als ik vanuit dit beginpunt van (onbewuste) verwachting iemand aanraak en die ander beweegt hiervan weg, zal ik me afgewezen voelen. En dit geeft een kettingreactie binnen de fysieke aanraking en intimiteit.

Zover ik hierin kan zien, wordt dit al opgebouwd vanaf de geboorte waarin het aanraken en vastpakken van het kindje, niet onvoorwaardelijk en vanuit een beginpunt van zelfgewaarzijn, plaatsvindt. Aangezien we dit zelf ook niet geleerd hebben. Dit bedoel ik niet om onszelf alleen maar vervelend en schuldig om te voelen, maar meer om ons hiervan gewaar te worden. Zodat we die focus op die ander en ‘op de aanraking’, kunnen terugbrengen naar onszelf en naar wat er gebeurt binnenin zelf, als we die ander aanraken. Dit is een wereld van verschil in beleving en zal een verdieping van intimiteit gaan geven als het wordt toegepast; aangezien we hierin kunnen oefenen om intiem met onszelf te zijn/worden; met wat er binnenin onszelf gebeurt op emotioneel- / gevoelsniveau bijvoorbeeld.

Het is geen eenvoudig onderwerp om te openen, aangezien de ervaring van afwijzing, verwarring en wellicht zelfs misbruik (hoeft niet werkelijk fysiek te zijn maar kan subtiel en verborgen ervaren worden op emotioneel/energetisch niveau), hierin nauw verweven is en dus, zullen we door ervaringen van afwijzing en misbruik heen bewegen (energetisch maar in het fysieke geheugen opgeslagen), alvorens we in staat en ter wille zijn om meer direct in onszelf te zien, in ‘wie we zijn’ in de aanraking.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb, me terug te trekken als ik het idee heb dat iemand iets van me wil in een aanraking wat onuitgesproken en dus, onduidelijk is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me verward te voelen als in ‘gebruikt’ als ik wordt aangeraakt waarin ik het beginpunt niet duidelijk heb en in plaats van dan in mezelf te zien wat er in mij gebeurt en mezelf hierin te verwoorden, trek ik me terug, verstijf ik, keer ik me af, wil ik niet meer aankijken en ‘ga ik weg’ in mezelf en vertrek ik uit mijn lichaam, de geest in.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb terughoudend te kunnen zijn een ander aan te raken aangezien ik niet wil dat ik ‘de ander belaag’ en dat een ander zich belaagd voelt door mij en hierin misschien denkt dat een ander mij ook kan belagen, als een spel van geven en terugverwachten’.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me niet te durven verwoorden vanuit een angst dat een ander zich hierin afgewezen ervaart, zonder dat ik werkelijk kan verwoorden waar het om gaat, aangezien het plaatsvindt op zo subtiel niveau en vrijwel ‘onzichtbaar’ voor het fysieke oog.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me terug te trekken en het op te geven, in plaats van op te staan en door het risico van een kleine ‘chaos’ – wat een verschuiving van evenwicht met zich meebrengt als ik mezelf verwoord – heen te wandelen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb een ander te beschuldigen in mezelf als ik wordt aangeraakt vanuit een intentie die voor mij onduidelijk is, in plaats van deze beschuldiging terug naar mezelf te halen, de angst eruit te halen en mezelf te gaan verwoorden, vanuit een beginpunt van eenheid en gelijkheid met/als wat het beste is voor mezelf en dus uiteindelijk ook voor een ander en zelfs voor ieder ander, aangezien dit punt dan wordt gewandeld.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet zomaar iedereen te willen aanraken omdat ik mijn eigen reacties (dus afscheiding hiervan in mezelf, wat een afgescheiden standpunt ten opzichte van een ander geeft) niet wil ‘her’-ervaren en zo dus niet onder ogen kan zien in en als mezelf en dus, ga ik op zoek naar een partner die ik graag wil aanraken en waardoor ik graag wordt aangeraakt, in de hoop om dit punt zo te omzeilen in en als mezelf en vanuit de verwachting dat ik hier dan niet mee in aanraking kom – met die ervaringen die ik juist wil omzeilen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb de lieve vrede te willen bewaren en te verkiezen boven het verwoorden en uitdrukking geven aan en als mezelf en zo mezelf ‘vaag’ te maken, waarin ik eveneens onduidelijk in mijn intenties en beginpunt ben en dus feitelijk, hetzelfde doe als hetgeen ik veroordeel in een ander, waarin de angst dus feitelijk bestaat uit een verdraaide zelfbeschuldiging en waarin ik hetgeen ik beschuldig, zelf in stand houd door hetzelfde te doen, te accepteren en toe te staan in en als mezelf.

Dit alles (en nog veel meer) komt naar voren in de aanraking – de aanraking zal stil en volledig zijn, ik bedoel, het zal stil zijn in mij tijdens een aanraking als ik hierin opsta en de zelfbeschuldiging stop en mezelf voorzichtig ga uitdrukken en niet langer vanuit een beginpunt van angst(beschuldiging) iets probeer duidelijk te maken.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb te proberen om met en vanuit angst, iets duidelijk te maken, vanuit de verwachting dat een ander dit wel oppakt – ik bedoel, als ik mijn angst toon, dan is toch duidelijk dat er iets niet goed gaat, dat ik ergens bang voor ben wat ik dan wil dat die ander gaat veranderen?? – in plaats van in te zien, realiseren en begrijpen dat mijn angst, tevens angst oproept en dat ik verwacht dat een ander naar voren stapt waar ik dat niet doe en dat ik dus verwacht dat een ander ‘voor mij’ doet waar ik zelf bang voor ben.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel om mezelf te omarmen en mezelf ‘aan te raken’ in die innerlijke delen waarin ik ervaringen probeer te omzeilen en zo stil te worden in mezelf, zodat ik mezelf kan verwoorden vanuit een beginpunt van stilte in en als zelfgewaarzijn, in plaats van vanuit een beginpunt van reactie in en als angst, met als doel om tegelijkertijd, al(l)één en/of met elkaar, door de resonanties heen, naar de stilte toe te bewegen en zo de mogelijk tot zelfgewaarzijn te openen.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel zelf helder te zijn in mijn intenties in mijn aanraking en aanwezig binnenin mezelf, waarin ik ‘bij mezelf blijf’ en zo ruimte te creëren voor een werkelijke, fysieke aanraking vanuit stilte in en als mezelf.

Cats and Self-Discovery – Part 4


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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

Dag 778 – Am I originally / inherently good or do ‘I within’ need self-direction as well?

In a blog-serie last year I have written a lot about my walk through the years of fertility and what I have faced and found during this period. I have also described how I have diminished myself in a decision where in I did not give myself the time to consider all dimensions within myself and so not without as well, which has lead to consequences. Not persé that the decision in itself was ‘a bad decision’ but more the not considering was what I see that I have hurted myself with (and others as an outflow of this).

I am now walking through a phase where in I for the first time, start pushing through my ‘natural’ protection-mechanism as a ‘barriére’ so to speak. And I am quite surprised to see how strong the self-sabotage is coming up in this. Self-sabotage meaning, in several moments coming up a strong idea that I ‘need to get out of this’ and go back to my well-known confortable area in and as myself and so, in and as my life. Also here to say that this is not ‘bad’ or something and it served me very well to keep myself stable and strengthening myself in my tasks and responsibilities, but more that I see that there is an unknown area waiting from which I do not know the outcome and so actually, from which I do need to let go of the control of ‘already knowing where to go’ more or less and walking day by day and creating along the way with the opportunities opening up in this time-frame.

And this is exactly what I have been avoiding, for example in the example of decision making in the years of fertility, where in the new area felt so completely unsafe and me not yet having the skills and (self)-support to walk into it and so, I backed of, I pulled back. It very well possible, may have been the right decision in that moment, in which I have prevented myself and others, for a real ‘loosing of control’ or direction so to speak – I will never know,  but more based on what I see how much I lack in and as self-direction in this specific area of relationships and fertility and only by now, starting to opening up to be able to start to apply myself more directed.

I would like to give this as an example and these series that I have written and spoken as well, of how strong a self-limitation can come up and how realistic it may present itself, with all kind of reasonings that may be valid or not and even if the reasonings are ‘catched’ and made invalid within myself, still I surprisingly find ‘myself as a reason’ to not move forward and beyond the old, to stay in my well-known area of who I have been all these years before and probably many life-times before. So ‘the me within’ is not already shaped and done and developped as my utmost potential so as in so many spiritual trends is stated, as if inside we are already ‘good’. I find now that this is not the case; also ‘the me within’ is very much influenced and programmed and protective based.

What does very well support me in this is looking at the practical situation, the stability and possibilities and the effect of my decisions on others as well and with what decision I can stand in eternity, no matter what the final outcome is. So basicely, to keep standing within principle and integrity, is what is of support for myself to not go off track and to keep standing and moving and following up on what I have initiated and walked so far. Also when doubts, hesitations, reasons, preferences, emotions and even physical manifestations are coming up, then I have my point of cross-reference in/as myself: with what can I stand in eternity for and as myself in what is here in this moment and situation? Not as an absolute outcome for allways but as what is best right now and from here, walking from moment to moment and in consideration of how the mind can or may present itself (and so I within and as, because it is me in the end who decides) almost turned around, as a turned around projection of what is best; as a negative of a picture that needs to be developped with chemicals.

Considering all aspects that I see involved, within and without,putting a guard for my mouth to not speak in a way that create unneccessary consequences and to first seeing what is needed to forgive and correct within myself and what is real and practical and physical possible and from here, carefully moving forward into the direction that is physically opening up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somehow think and believe that if my intentions are good, that I am then ‘good’ as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that good intentions alone can give the opposite outcome in physical reality if and when I do not fully understand the functioning and programming of myself in/and/as my mind and within and as my beingness as well and how this is then actually me creating or participating in an evil outcome in and as this physical reality and if and when I am not willing to really look at this, I disable myself to forgive and correct my inherent evil nature that I am hiding within and behind good intentions.

I commit myself to discover, forgive and correct my good intentions and the ‘evil’ that is hiding behind it, in and as myself as the opposite of ‘life’ (as for example in self-interest, judgements and fears) and I commit myself in this way to enable myself to consider the physical, practical circumstances as well as the principles and integrity of Life itself as for example ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’, as a guideline to create an outcome that is aligned with my potential to be and become a considering and trustable, living human being.

Bernard gave me the subject of ‘Paranoia in and as the intention of the New Age Movement‘ to write some blogs about in 2012 and I took this on (written in Dutch), however only by now, I start seeing it within myself and how I was/am holding on onto good intentions (and/as paranoia) within and as myself and keeping a backdoor open within this. During those time, he has assisted me with a few points that I am still walking and that I will write about more in time to come, as it is fascinating to see how his support (representing Life itself) stretches out over years and this to fully grasp what he was pointing out, to take on and walk through the programming within and as myself.

So far for now; thanks for reading.


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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 774 – Coming to an understanding of a character

For many many years in my life, as long as I am interested in relationships, I have pushed back and forward within myself within the polarity of wanting a relationship and then finding out that I can not (or don’t want) to really keep standing in it or another cannot (or don’t want) to really keep standing in it. And everytime I am looking for reasons within my own mind for why and how and what I can do more. What I see deep within me is that I on some level, start within a point of compromise and then I am not able to bring myself within the relationship, to a point of self-honesty and equality and oneness, in and as myself, while moving together to this point.

Af friend said years ago to me like ‘Ingrid, maybe you first need to find your own strength before you will be in a raltionship that you are satisfied with’ (or something like this). Here I also saw that this is real what she mentions, like this is the key, however I also found it quite daunting because I felt a lot of fear to walk this path – fear of never being able to walk with a partner on long term in and as the believe that ‘nobody wants to be with me if I do that’.

So within me I had always an idea of equality and oneness and that this is needed and what I am looking for in partnership, however I found myself time after time unable to bring this in reality and also to even speak about it from the start in a stable and clear way, also out of fear that another would not step in or would not stay. And so I walked many situations with every time the same pain when it did not go as how I would like it to go.

Within the past 6-7 years walking the Desteni I Process, I have found what I was looking for in standing up within principles that are considering myself, another and life as a whole and even more, how to practically move myself into this stand. Before this, I was not aware of how many layers I have build up within me where in I am actually ‘preventing’ myself from living my utmost potential – layers that I have stored in and as my mind-consciousness system and then integrated within my physical body and so, I am living this out in my physical reality because it has become a part of me.

This al together – which sounds like common sense and like ‘hey, easy, let’s do this’; which is not because the layers have so much integrated within all that I have become and so it takes time and effort to walk through, in writing, in the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and then walking the correction in physical reality – this all together brought me to the realization that I do not need to let go of a relationship or to let go of the potential to walk together yet alone, but I need to let go of…………a relationship-character.

I probably have created this as my main character where in I have created the most consequences for myself and indirectly for others as well in this. The consequences for myself have been mainly emotional an then manifesting all the emotional patterns within my physical body and so affecting my physical body and organ-functioning.

At the moment of this realization, that I could come to in a conversation with Sylvie, the intens emotional pain decreased. This is also showing how supportive it can be to speak things through within integrity and especially if both are walking the process of self-realization more actively. This will be of support to understand self and each other and keep standing in finding solutions that are life-supporting on long-term. With this realization I enabled and supported myself to pick myself up and move on. I now mainly need to focus in keeping myself together, focussing on my breathing, moving myself physically and not going again and again in this emotional state in moments that I feel the emotions lingering within me – which is many times a day. Every time realizing like ‘okay I am not loosing anything but a character that is not needed or beneficial for me anymore’. Because it is so easy to fall back or keep falling in believing the emotions and feelings to be real and then following up on them. Strange enough it makes me nervous and it feels like ‘I am doing something that I am not allowed to do’- like stepping out of a ‘code’ or something.

This is actually what I / we are doing in the Desteni I Process – getting to know myself in the characters that I have created and then layer by layer, peeling off the ‘false energetic identities’ that I have taken on through my life for a reason, to enable myself to bring myswelf through in a substantial way, into self-expression. I have hidden within this ‘identities’ and so made myselfkind of ‘stuck and imprisoned’ within this by my own acceptances and allowances and to ‘come to myself’ again, I need / needed to forgive and correct all these layers as identities.

I must say that only by now when writing this out, I start to understand what ‘characters’ are and how the layers in and as my mind, are build up from identities that I have taken on and integrated within/as myself. Because I have become this one main-character, it is not so easy to see what I have build up around and as myself, because I have become it. However this did not stop me from starting my Desteni I Process seven years ago and along the way, I start to see and understand more and more. I have learned through my life the importance to start with what I do see and understand and then walk from here into a deeper awareness that is infinite in a way, because I am expanding in it.

So a ‘not (yet) understanding of everything’ can not be an excuse to not start with what we do understand in that moment.

A walk into understanding to be continued.

Thanks for reading and walking with!


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 767 – Seeing beyond abandoned into myself

Dag 765 – Abandoned

Dag 766 – What I find related to the word ‘abandoned’

In the two blogs before I have in the first blog written an introduction of looking at the word abandoned and in the second blog, opened up what experiences I found related to this within myself while bringing this into self-forgiveness, so actually enabling myself to let go the emotional attachements that I could see stored within me related to ‘abandoned’.

From here I will describe how I support myself to see and move beyond these emotional attachements and to practise to no longer ‘abandone myself from myself’ in this area.

I remember Bernard saying something like ‘eventually you will have a relationship with Desteni’ – especially for those who are looking for a relationship and bumping on the tools that are provided within Desteni and then having a tendency coming up to place the relationship with another above the relationship / agreement with self, like I tend to and perhaps many females but also males with me.

I have walked and am walking this process on many levels, from the beginning 6-7 years ago that I started my ‘Desteni I Process‘ and actually already before. On a consciousness level I knew from the beginning and before, that the self-agreement should be the first and foremost agreement and without this, no relationship / agreement with another will keep standing on long-term. However knowing this on a consciousness level and really living it in real life, between this, I have found so many dimensions to forgive and correct myself within as there is quite a lot that I have misaligned myself in on subtile levels, deep suppressed within me that I need to first uncover, then embrace, forgive, correct as ‘seeing another way’ and at the same time, a whole new area of redefining and bringing myself into a living application of no longer compromising myself, my relationships and another in and as life.

I still did not really understand what Bernard ment with his specific words although I saw the truth in it from the beginning. This is my strength in walking this process; that I see the truth as ‘what is real’ in the information that is provided as self-support and so I have opened myself for everything that is provided, altough I may not yet completely see, realize and understand what is ment with it; then from here, I bring it into myself, I keep it within myself and investigate what it means for me, until the moment that ‘the coin falls’ (mmmm in Dutch we say ‘het kwartje valt’) meaning, until the point that the information grounds and makes sense within and as me and then I have integrated it within myself and am I ready to start and practise ‘living’ the principle.

So the coin has fallen, het kwartje is gevallen (Dutch) after I had written these words to Sylvie – and up until this moment, I noticed that I felt almost quilty about standing within this relationship with Desteni no matter what, as if I did not leave room for others to come into my life. I did see in this moment of realization, that the decision for me to really see, realize and understand and then live, is that I will not accept and allow to develop an abusive way of living into my life; and Desteni is standing for oneness and equality in and as life, on all levels of existence and so, my relationship will be ‘with Desteni’ as this represents a relationship / agreement within and as self that is eventually best for all in and as life, aligned with our ‘beingness’ coming through within our physical bodies and aligning our mind to a way of self-support, instead of self-sabotaging.

It is the only long-lasting solution as it includes all life and so, a relationship with me, means that within the relationship, I will bring in the principles that I stand for and as and that I am practising myself as well, together with other people walking their journey to life. So actually it is an invitation to stand as the solution with and as self, each on the location-point of where one is in his or her process.

And wow is this challenging for me, because within this I will have to walk through a ‘fear of loss’ and this I find related to an experience of ‘being abandoned’; however I also see that it is the only way because only when standing (up) myself, a relationship that I am part of will stand the test of time.

So, now I can skip the ‘feeling guilty’ for my relationship with Desteni. Same as the words of Bernard that I remember as ‘it is nothing to be ashamed of to stand for what is best for all’. Strange how we have stored these experiences within self, in and as the mind, where we have ‘turned around’ and ‘turned against ourself’ that what is actually best for all, as even experiencing guilt or (false) shame when and as I / we stand for a long-lasting solution. There is one deep experience of shame that we should take into consideration as real and essential, which is the ‘real shame‘ of the abusive compromises that we have accepted and allowed on many levels, within and as ourself, within our relationships and in this world as a whole.

This is actually the correction as seeing and then moving beyond an experience of ‘abandoned’ that I have walked so far within and as myself. To see, realize and understand how I had misaligned and so ‘abandoned’ myself in a way, from standing as myself as the solution that is best for all, without using experiences of quilt and shame as a way to doubt myself and what I am standing for and why I am standing for this solution. As Gian said to me a while ago in another context: ‘trust yourself’. Also these words come up within me in many moments lately. The solution now is and will be, to in real life, live this correction moment by moment, word by word, breath by breath and to keep pushing myself to do so and to more and more move to this point of oneness and equality, in and as myself.

Through the years, I have brought myself into a position of self-trust in walking this, as I have proven to myself and I am openly walking this to check in for others, that the principles and tools provided by Desteni, are standing within and as a starting-point of equality and oneness and so it eventually will bring forward a result of equality and oneness, if and when applied towards and from this same point of integrity within and as self – while walking through all the layers of illusions and mistakes within and as self, day by day. So there is no need to feel quilty about ‘my relationship with Desteni’ or shame about ‘standing for a solution that is best for all’.

I will keep on using my physical body as a guideline to open up points within me and continue with investigating what parts I have ‘abandoned’ myself from and from myself, in and as my mind-being-body relationship.

Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 760 – What am I passionate about?

I was looking within myself this morning for what I am passionate about, what makes me move, wanting to get op in the morning? I have seen many times within me, that I project my passion on a relationship and then ‘needing’ the relationship to ‘live my passion’. In this I make myself dependent on the relationship and/or partner and I place a lot of pressure on the relationship and partner (and on myself) as well.

I have also found some area’s through my life, that really have my deep interest, like for example the natural medicine and animals. However this I have found, is still not the ‘core’ of what I find that really matters. I have found in this that I can not totally ‘go for it’ – like for example starting a natural medicine practice, which is something that I have tried as well, but that has not been coming from the ground. There is always something ‘missing’ as something that makes it ‘matter’ within myself.

Then we can of course say from a point of knowledge and information, that it is ‘me’ that is missing, that ‘I’ make it work or not. And that is so, but still it is undefined, as what is this ‘me’ that I want to bring in?

This morning I came to the insight that what matters for me and what I am passionate about, is ‘Principled Living’.

Principled living is what I have learned to define within the past 6-7 years, since I started to walk with Desteni and the Desteni I Process. And here everything comes together as ‘the missing pieces’. However, only by now, I dare to define that what I am passionate about: principled living. And I easily project this on relationships, because in relationships and especially within an intimate or  partner-relationship, the need for principled living is clearly coming forward and here I see an ability within myself to bring this in.

In general and for a long time I experience a fear of voicing myself in standing for this principled living and a ‘fear of people’ in general and through this, more than I can see it as passion and motivation, the motivation comes up as a fear, for example when I wake up in the morning and it comes up as something that I experience as a pressure and demotivation to stand up and that makes me wanting to stay in bed and keep hiding. Which only enlarges the experience of demotivation so I did push and push every day to keep going, to not stay in bed too long and to not too much oversleep, to get my things done because I have also seen through my life that this is what I can move on with, that if I do stand up and start, I will find a motivation within me in some small aspects and if not, I will find it next day.

So the ‘spark’ we can say, this ‘spark of life’ within and as me actually kept showing it’s face, together with the common sense that I need to keep going and do my things and if not, things will only become worse and more difficult. But I could not say that I am ‘passionate’ – from which I see now that I have a certain ‘idea or picture’ about the word ‘passion’. When I look at it while writing, this ‘drive’ or ‘spark’ combined with common sense is already a core-element of ‘passion’ that I very much suppressed with fear within and as myself but that also has been here within me as long as I remember.

There is much to say about ‘fear’ as it has many aspects and I cannot say that ‘I just need to stop the fear’ as it doesnot work this way. The fear within and as myself, has been channeled in many ways and layers within my thoughts, words and deeds as ‘who I am’ and so it asks for a ‘walking back through layers’,  to detach myself from it step by step so that eventually, I can make the decision that ‘I don’t need it anymore’. And then still it will come up, but now I can become the starting-point and direct myself through the fear and not so much ‘me being directed by fear’ without really seeing how and where this begins within myself.

So, a starting-point for myself as ‘what am I passinate about?’ is ‘Principled Living’. As I have seen that without principled living, no relatinship will stand the test of time and no project will keep standing in a way that is considering the life-integrity that is existing within each of us.  So without principled living, there will be a constant fear for the abuse of ‘not being considered’ and this gives a lot of protection and defense-mechanism coming up, that will for example come through as a (obvious or subtile) form of manipulation, revenge, hiding, attacking, blame and what more.

Principled Living is described in a document; however the core of it is a way of living that is considering what is best for all life, without excluding anything or anyone, where each and all and everything is approached from a starting-point of equality and oneness, as this is the only way to ensure that nothing and no-one will be left behind. And here it already shows that this contains so many aspects to be looked at and how to do this, however if we are willing to be humble and to learn what ‘principled living’ entails, then what opens up is a possibility for change, because we, as the starting-point, are willing to learn how to change ourselves that eventually, will resonate into a change in the world, into a place that is best for all life, nothing and no-one excluded.

To be continued with self-forgiveness on the ‘fear of my passion’ that I describe here above.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive