Dag 818 – What is underneath?

I was rereading my previous blog about patience – and I see I am slowly moving into a deeper level. I do not have a weekly blog writing at the moment; this due to time and many practical things that needed and still need to be done; however what I also and mainly see is that I am very much searching what to write about, where I am within me and how to define this, how to bring this into words. Some things I would like to firstly walk before I share it, to not compromise my own process by sharing too fast, before I am ready and clear within myself. Some things I can share along the way but it takes some time as I am walking it in physical reality and it only goes as fast as I go and walk through or open things up within myself.

What I do come into is seeing how under the impatience that I wrote about in the previous blog, there is a point that I actually have not allowed myself to admit, as that I am the cause, let’s say my starting-point – so who I am within the starting-point, is what I need to reconsider, forgive and change. So who I am within this, is causing me to create painful experiences and from here, creating a sadness as an energetic source for my mind consciousness system to generate energy from and keep cycling in it as an endless energy source, until I have totally worn myself out.

Here I need to admit that my approach was a default approach for almost all my life, so I actually wasted a lot of time and energy – physical energy, sourced from my physical body, into my mind, to use as entertainment or distraction in a way – that I could have used much more effectively to build something constructive. However that is easy to speak when looking back, as this is actually how the whole world is build on default, to generate energy and exhaust, worn out the physical resources, living from a mind’s perspective – where the mind turns everything around.

We get it reflected as results in our physical reality, we see it – I see it as the results are not what I would like it to be or what I see as my utmost potential, yet still I am recreating it – until I admit, that I myself am at fault, I have ‘build in’ my failure so to speak from the start, in and as my starting-point. Trying and trying and believing that it ‘has to be possible also on ‘my way’, where I am actually refusing or hesitating to give up on some idea or desire that I hide behind. Because when I give up this idea or desire, I open up a new area that I have never been or walked in before, so it is quite new and undefined and so it may feel uncomfortable because it is new, unknown and so it can not feel comfortable in and as my mind, because I have never walked it.

Besides that it feels uncomfortable, I expect some emotional painful experiences behind it as the reason why I closed off this area within and as myself however, to not ‘hold on’ to this expectation as if ‘it must be there’ and to keep ‘searching’ for it, but to simply allow myself to be here and ready for myself when something may open up, to allow myself to open up what is underneath.

As what I have seen before is what has caused some emotional pain, is also again coming from a (often copied) default system and from here, thinking and believing that ‘I did it all so wrong’ where there is often / mostly a point of innocence within it as well, of simply ‘not knowing’ or ‘never having learned how to do it’. But, this first step of admitting to myself that I am hiding behind some default patterns, that is a created ego-point that is up to me myself, to open up and move beyond. The door is open as they say; I need to decide if I walk into the depth of myself.

I believe that this is the hardest nut that we all need to crack and open up, this admitting to oneself that one was at default all the while – not by theory, as the theory is quite easy to grasp, but really seeing it within self, where and how holding on to the ego-point is keeping the door closed.

Still quite general – in time to come I will see if I can describe it more defined and example related.

Here the need comes up from inside myself to really forgive myself although I do yet even know where or how exactly – here I start with what I have written and often I then end up more specific:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself closed off from myself, to keep believing that ‘my way’ should be possible as well, although the results keep showing me a lesser outcome than the potential that I see existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a default programming that I copied, activated and lived for many many years, out of a desire that I have accepted and allowed as my goal, as something to reach, as something that I ‘should be able to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to revenge as in not admitting that my way is the default way and that I need to reconsider and adapt my approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to open up a deeper layer within myself, out of revenge that I never ever want another to see this depth within me again, not seeing, realizing and understanding how I compromise myself as well and that I then also not will see this depth within me – the depth as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself off from the depth as me as a point of revenge of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame all and everything that this depth within and as me is hidden and locked in, when all the while, I made a decision to close off and lock in myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to ‘find’, that I am not enough, that me simply here is not enough and that ‘there is more’ that I can reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the ‘more as me’ as depth within and as myself as life and instead and because of this ‘missing out of me’, keep reaching out, searching for, forcing myself and what more, outside myself, in and as my mind, thinking and believing that ‘this is it’ because ‘it feels so good’ so this must be it, otherwise it would not feel so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of missing of something that feels so good, start believing that I need to have that too when all the while, this ‘feeling good‘ is not what it is about but more I did not have an example of how to connect and express myself, in and as the depth that is me, all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings, as something to reach, when all the while, I created this feelings as a way out of the misery of emotional suppression within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘self-hate’ in not being effective and then start living this out indirectly – so within creating dis-comforts within my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body to live out my suppressed emotions and then starting to use my physical discomfort as an excuse to not move myself beyond this self-created veil as a physical manifested barrier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am ‘too much’ when being me, when sharing freely and then looking in the mirror, as if I look not good enough to freely express myself, as if I ‘need to look good’ to allow myself to express myself from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let looks overrule my being within and as myself and use this as an excuse to not open up and share myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘look better’ than another to ‘feel better’ than another, not seeing, realizing and understanding how it here starts working against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘do it better than my parents’ in certain area’s and here, separating myself from the copied systems within myself as ‘what I judged’ and so actually weakening and imprisoning myself within what I have separated myself from at first, from what I have judged without and so suppressed within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own excuses as if I need to look good to share myself unconditionally where this ‘looking good’ I then have copied in my teenage years as ‘how I want to look’, as a way out to ‘do it better’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that the starting-point here is actually revenge and so it will backfire towards me, sooner or later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself, the life within me, to a mind’s idea of how I should look, created when the sex-system has been activated and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly submit myself as to how and what I think that a male would like from me, which I believe is having sex – when actually it is what I want and project on the male, not knowing how else to connect with a male and on which level, because I have closed off from my self in that depth within me and so actually using sex as a default-way to connect with the depth of / within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically submit myself to how I think what a man would like, when actually I submit myself to the sex-system within a man activated that is even stronger in many cases than in women / females, however when and as I submit myself to my own believes and weakness within this – out of a starting-point of revenge of wanting to do / be better – I at the same time submit to and even strengthen the system within a male as well, with all the disastrous consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the male when all the while, I activate, underline, confirm and even strengthen the sex-system within a male by chasing after an idea, created within my own activated sex-system as a ‘way out’ of the misery / suppression within.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my own ideas, desires, activations within and as myself and the point of revenge / separation / judgement within this, created in and as the activated sex-system at teenage years – to be walked through in real time, step by step, breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness, as the only and ultimate correction in and through real time and to check, forgive and correct myself with the reference of the results that I see as reflections arising in my daily life.

—————————————————————————————

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 815 – Understanding ‘borders’

Choosing my ‘borders’ can be colourful! 😉

I shortly have come to understand the word ‘borders’ (or bounderies) and what this means as self-support. Ofcourse to be expanded on. This word is often used, I have heard it many times before with regards to relationships in general. However I could not internalize it but only understand it as knowledge and information.

Recently I had a convo with Joe (which I truly recommend) and at some point, he mentioned the practical approach of placing borders as a clarity of what I accept and allow and what not (also in the very small/practical things). This did hit home as a practical tool to use and from here, I also started to see how within this, I am able to direct myself in interactions with others, without becoming, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed and what more, from what ‘another is doing’ and then not exactly knowing how to bring this in and so internally going into blame and resentment within my own mind, where I then eventually lock myself in and pull myself back.

What I see is that I completely loose myself in ‘not placing borders’ and from her, considering everything over and over again within my own mind. This in itself is not a bad thing, to consider all and everything, as it is a door to investigate new area’s in many ways and not get stuck within ‘what I already know’ and it enables to listen to another, however within this, I also easily loose sight on and suppress my natural self-border so to speak, as that from and as my beingness-integrity that is me.

It did become a whole personality of ‘being too nice’ and compromising myself within my physical body, without exactly seeing where and how I do this, how this happens, as the layering of blame had manifested around it and then I suppressed this as well because I did not like this part of myself and did not really understand how to take responsibility for this because actually this blame was in reaction of something outside myself that I did not know how to direct myself within.

So I firstly started to open up this blame dimension with the support of the Atlanteans serie on Blame (10 interviews) and from here, this point of borders did sink in and here I started to see this as the prevention for myself to go into blame, but also as a practical tool to be in a relationship (if and when this opportunity may open up in time to come). Because if and when I do stand and keep standing within myself, nice and warm within my own skin – as borders of what I accept and allow or simply in and as my self-will and self-integrity – I do not need to go into blame afterwards, cause I have already been clear within myself and enabling myself to express myself in a point. And vice versa; without already existing in a point of blame (build up through time when not investigated and forgiven), I do not need ‘to be nice’ to somehow ‘make up’ for my starting-point point of blame by ‘being nice’ and ‘wanted to be liked / to be good’, because I am already here, standing within and as myself, so no need to make myself feeling better or liked or ‘making up’ for something. So for example simply saying ‘no’ does then not ‘feel as a bad thing’ but more as an answer from within, that actually is then best for all as well, directly or eventually.

I do notice a difference within myself with regards to my self-will and placing borders in and as my self-expression, as if I now am more able to connect with myself as the starting-point. For sure there will be challenging situations to come with regards to self-will, borders, authenticity / genuineness and the construct of blame within , however it is like a turning-point within and as myself has happened to move forward from and the convo with Joe was a marker within this. I delayed this convo a few months, due to a lot of practical housing stuff that needed to be done last summer – so more focus and care on the outside, as how it suits with summer-time; however I see that I firstly needed to open up my inner darkness and the blame within, so that I could enter this convo in vulnerability and push myself to open up without fear, which lead to an enjoyable, warm and supportive two hours conversation. As the ‘self-harvest’ in autumn of what I have walked earlier this year – and all the years before ofcourse – investigate Desteni I Process.

Some self-forgiveness on what opens up after writing the blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘bind’ myself and / as my expression, to another in / as my mind, instead of placing clear bounderies within and as myself of who I am, who I want to be in what I accept and allow and what not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a different / default pathway, as if I take a ‘side-path’ and here connect myself and my expression to another, instead of walking forward in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘being liked’ above ‘what I stand for’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a strong physical fear / nervousness as ‘pain’ within my body in the upper-corners of my intestines, as if I ‘am not allowed to cross these lines’ which I see as related ‘borders’ of limitation where I ‘better stay in’ without me knowing or being aware of what exactly these borders contain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I should not cross this pain’, and so staying and keeping myself in ‘fear of the pain’ as limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I do not know, see or am aware of what is beyond these ‘borders’, I should not go there because ‘there is nothing’ as ‘nothing that I know or can relate to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience some excitement of moving myself beyond that limitation / these borders into the ‘unknown’ as nothingness and at the same time fear it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand borders as limitation as how I already had placed them within me to stop me from passing ‘what I already know’ and so, become kind of ‘borderless’ in that I do always see a possibility beyond a border or at least, understand where a limitation comes from and so kind of loosing myself within being borderless when at the same time, not being able to move myself beyond my own created borders in / as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into blame in and as myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that somewhere, somehow, I did not frame / border myself within myself and accepted and allowed myself to go into defaulted pathways in and as my mind and / or I did not express a border clearly towards my environment in and as my self-integrity and so, I commit myself to find where I missed my self-border as my self-integrity, to forgive myself for the consequences that I created from ignoring myself in my integrity and from here, finding my inner voice and practising to express myself clearly, towards myself and / or towards another.

I commit myself to define the experiences within and as the ‘pain-points’ in the upper-corner of my large intestine when and as they come up and to embrace and forgive myself in what I find and at least, when not yet able to define the experiences, just lay down, embrace myself and see what comes up within me and so layer for layer, piece by piece, bring myself back together, strengthening my self-trust as the foundation to move forward from.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 812 – Planten en levende woorden

Goudsbloem – Calendula Officinalis

Ik zit in de tuin bij de Goudsbloem. Ik ben er al steeds naar aan het kijken, aangezien deze zo groot, stevig en dik is geworden. Ik heb bloemzaden gestrooid uit zo’n mix-zakje waarvan maar een heel klein deel uit is gekomen, aangezien het zo ontzettend droog was en de tuin een harde zandachtige grond met gras heeft. Echter op een aantal plaatsen is de Goudsbloem opgekomen, precies de plant die ik nog graag in mijn tuin wilde.

Deze grote dikke Goudsbloem staat achterin de tuin naast de plek waar ik steeds het grasmaaisel neerleg. Het moet uiteindelijk een soort van composthoop worden, ik heb dit stukje tuin nog niet echt aangepakt, het is nog een beetje een wild stukje.

Hier naast de composthoop staat dus die grote Goudsbloem. Het doet me denken aan jaren geleden, twee huizen geleden toen ik bezig was met het maken van Bloesemremedies en ik een enorme Paardenbloem in de voortuin had staan. Deze had met name een bizar dikke steel (1-2 cm dik).

Hier staat nu zo’n stevige Goudsbloem met ook zo’n opmerkelijke steel. Iets minder dik, maar nog steeds opvallend stevig. Dus ik ging er bijzitten en bedacht me, hé, laat ik weer eens afstemmen op de plant zoals ik destijds vaak deed en zien wat er in me opkomt.

Steel Goudsbloem

Vrijwel direct kwamen er een aantal woorden in me op zoals care, zachtheid, heling en ‘wondheling en slijmvliezen’ en wat later zag ik standvastigheid, stevigheid, ‘unwavering’. Vooral de eerste drie herkende ik gelijk als ‘levende woorden’ en dat vond ik een bijzondere link. Ik heb nogal moeite om met een levend woord in mezelf te komen die ik praktisch kan gebruiken ter ondersteuning van mezelf, mijn zelfexpressie; echter ga ik naast een plant zitten en stem ik me af op de kwaliteit, dan komen de woorden. En dat is eigenlijk ook hoe ik met de bloesemremedies werkte: de kwaliteit van de bloem/plant, in water overbrengen en dit water weer in mij en zo integreren. Ik heb toen vaak over woorden lopen nadenken die dan op een remedie geschreven konden worden of iets, maar het viel niet echt op z’n plek.

Nu na jaren van gericht schrijven, zelfvergeving en zelfcorrectie (zie Desteni I Process voor de tools en alle blogs hier geven het proces van schrijven weer) en uiteindelijk gekomen bij het punt van levende woorden ter ondersteuning van mijn zelfexpressie en zelfcreatie (naast het proces van zelfvergeving), maken de woorden op zichzelf veel meer ‘zin’ (making sense). Zo kan ik beter met levende woorden werken en tevens heb ik er meer plezier in door het te combineren met mijn aandacht voor planten.

Vervolgens zit ik in een flinke zelfsabotage waarin ik het idee de volgende dag, direct weer minimaliseer en wat al niet meer. Dat kan ik tevens opvatten als een ‘teken’ in mezelf, van mijn geest, dat ik in de ‘goede richting zit’ en iets heb aangeraakt wat goed bij mijn zelfexpressie past. Iets heel kleins, ‘onschuldigs’, als lijkende soort van hobby, maar wie weet wat eruit voort kan komen. Het is in ieder geval een handvat voor mezelf in het proces van levende woorden dat ik kan onderzoeken en wat ik kan beschrijven in mijn blogs. Een delen van mezelf hierin.

Ik schrijf wat zelfvergevingen op het patroon dat naar voren komt binnen dit proces waar ik er dan vanuit ga dat dit deel uitmaakt van de zelfsabotage:

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb moeite te hebben met het loslaten van delen die niet het beste zijn voor mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet door te willen bewegen op een diep niveau en mezelf ziek te maken met diepgewortelde patronen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb verdriet te ervaren en me te schamen over patronen die ik geprojecteerd heb, waardoor ik zowel mezelf als een ander niet heb kunnen ondersteunen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me schuldig te voelen dat ik onvoldoende heb kunnen ondersteunen door diep van binnen anderen ‘de schuld’ te geven, ook al weet ik beter – ik begreep niet hoe dit patroon ‘tot explosie’ in mezelf vanwaar ik het in me bewaarde en toch uitleefde, al was het voornamelijk in en op mijn eigen lichaam.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het patroon van beschuldigen uit te leven op mijn eigen lichaam en mijn lichaam en mezelf hierin te schaden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het patroon toe te staan in een ander aangezien en doordat ik het toesta diep binnenin mezelf en zo niet effectief voor mezelf te zorgen als wat het beste is en dit dan zo te reflecteren als ‘voorbeeld’ naar een ander toe – ook al spreek ik andere woorden, zolang dit diep van binnen in mij bestaat, resoneert het onderliggende saboterende patroon mee en reflecteert het in relaties die relevant zijn hierin.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb mijn woorden en wat zich diep binnenin mij afspeelt, niet werkelijk gelijk te hebben gesteld en zo conflict te creëren binnenin mijzelf – tussen wat ik ‘weet’ dat het beste is en het zelfsaboterende patroon als het ‘slechtste’ in mezelf en dit tevens weerspiegeld te zien buiten mezelf in relevante relaties.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toegestaan en aanvaard heb zachtheid, care, standvastigheid, unwavering te leven als expressie van wie ik wil zijn, van binnen en van buiten.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel de momenten van explosie waar de schuld begint, te herkennen en mezelf te stoppen hierin en van hieraf, mezelf richting te geven met een levend woord en (indien nodig) met een zelfvergeving en verdieping in wat er opkomt en ik stel mezelf ten doel dit patroon van zelfsabotage zo te stoppen en het conflict in mezelf hiermee te beëindigen.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel me verder te verdiepen in het patroon van schuld en de schuld geven met behulp van een serie interviews in Eqafe (Atlanteans 180-184 welke hier begint)

Ik stel mezelf ten doel om, met behulp van (de expressie van) de Goudsbloem, mezelf te helen, mijn slijmvliezen te helen en te oefenen in het leven van de woorden (zelf)care, zachtheid, standvastigheid en unwavering en hierin te verdiepen binnen deze kwaliteiten en ik stel mezelf ten doel de kwaliteiten zoals kleur en voorkomen van de Goudsbloem nader te onderzoeken, herkennen, beschrijven / benoemen / herdefiniëren en integreren ter zelfondersteuning.

Knop Goudsbloem

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 811 – How is blame a form of self-manipulation?

Within a conversation and after a group-chat, I did become aware that I do not see how and that blame is a form of self-manipulation. I mean, I do understand forms of self-manipulation within and as myself and in theory, I understand that behind everything that we do that is not aligned with what is best, there is actually self-manipulation active, because if we would directly speak and live as what is best for all – so including ourselves – there is no manipulation of self and / as others existing or needed; we are then here, stable, in and as life.

But, to understand something in detail and within and as myself; this is a different story than seeing the truth as common sense in a theory or knowledge and information only. So, here I would like to have a deeper look at how blame, exist as self-manipulation as well. Because if I do not realize, see and understand this within and as myself, I will react in subtle ways to ‘blame’ and misunderstand it (and so I fear / judge it) as something that is ‘done towards another’ or ‘done towards me’ as a starting-point, when the starting-point in and as self-manipulation is bringing the blame back to self. Where I then can do something about it.

Let’s start with some self-forgiveness and see what opens up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that blame directed towards me, is really connected to me, when actually it has nothing to do with me – other than what my reaction is towards the situation and projection in and as blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when someone is blaming me for something, even when I cannot find myself anything doing ‘wrong’ but a small mistake that is behind it and within feeling guilty, I am making myself part of the dance of ‘being blamed’ and so ‘being hold responsible for’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and / as others for small mistakes and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of moving myself into some form of (self-)support, I follow the blame and circle myself back into and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself responsible for what another is blaming me for and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold another responsible for what I am blaming (hidden or not) another for and so I am still placing myself in a interconnected position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and so that I do not need to blame myself for anything related to this and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that I cannot be hold responsible for anything outside myself.

Here to mention that this is about perfection as trying to meet other’s standards, outside myself, which is not the same as walking in and towards self-perfection, where in I commit myself to be and become the best version of myself in and as self-honesty and current location-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be misunderstood and so, to be ‘unforgiven’ and so ‘blamed’ for, where in I then in and as this fear, I am keeping myself in this entanglement, finding myself ‘trying to explain myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it almost impossible to make a move that may be misunderstood and so, I do a. not move or b. stay low / keep quiet or c. move in silence / invisible or d. over-explain myself and then if and when not understood, I tend to Not make the move and instead, move into and as my mind and start doubting myself, waiting for approval from the outside as a ‘green light’ to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to ‘missing information’ and becoming fanatic and pushing within what I do see, when actually I only would like to receive and understand the missing piece so that I can be clear and stable in what I do see, as a part and as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘blame the blame and / or blamer’ in subtle ways and within this, keep cycling in the point of blame within and as myself in doing exactly that what I blame and so locking myself in.

Then, what also opened up, is a message and video of Gian, referring to 2020 as the point of No return, meaning, the equal money or global basic income should be opening up to be placed in as a point of no return, in whether we are going to make it or not as humanity on this earth.

(message Gian: “I made this video 8 years ago, and it stated the year 2020 for a reason. There was discussions about EMS being implimented by then and if not we will be too late as humanity on this earth to change anything in the realms of how much consequences we will face on this earth, I made the video under the instruction of Bernard. What was also clear was that it might not be Equal Money System as we promote it but through someone else in a little different way, like UBI and Andrew Yang and what he is promoting. We now have the Amazon Rainforests burning at alarming rates and a sign of humanity not changing course at all, 2020 was assessed back then as being the point of no return if we do not turn in a way that if forward for life on this planet by 2020.”)

Well, this seems like a whole other point, however for me it touched to ‘zero point’ within myself, in the sense that I see, realize and understand the state of the world and humanity without making it anymore beautiful and I would like to make peace with this view. Not to ‘give up’ but to embrace it all, inside and outside, as it shows the deepest saddest thing as how far away we are all from ourselves in and as life, inside and outside and an important aspect of this is the ‘blame-game’, where almost everyone is pointing fingers in some way, mostly because the mechanisms in and as the mind, are not understood for what it is and so as how it exists within myself: blame is not seen as a form of self-manipulation and so not seen as something that is harming / manipulating self first and foremost – same inside same outside.

I do feel a bit nervous when writing this down, as in ‘am I allowed to name it as this as how it is?’. Which shows a form of self-manipulation as well. To shut myself down. To ‘fear’ myself away actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself away for the truth deeply within and without and so hiding until the point of no return.

Somehow we do believe that there is ‘always a way’ and that there is no such thing as ‘no return’. Here I have lived this in my personal life, in and as a misconception of love, where I / we did past the point of no return and no matter how I keep searching within myself, I do not see a way to ‘return to’ with one another and if and when there is a way, it would be complete self-responsibility in and as oneself as ‘the only way’. And even here it would not mean ‘a return’ to how it was but actually a return back to self.

So here, the solution that I do have an influence on at small scale, so within my reach, is to keep pushing myself to the point of self-responsibility for all that exists within me and if every one is eventually doing this – one plus one plus one – we exist in and as self-responsibility as a whole, in and as life, with no one left behind. And, to make this possible for everyone, we do need such thing as an UBI as some form of an equal money system, to give every one an equal opportunity to walk out of the survival mode, into and as life, in and as self-responsibility.

It also makes sense to me to what Cerise did point out within a picture of my face, looking at my facial expression (as some kind of supportive group-action-point that week), where she mentioned something as ‘not yet ready to embrace humanity as a whole’ which I do see related to this misunderstanding of blame as self-manipulation, within and without, as in still ‘blaming humanity’ in a way. Which of course I did understand in and as common sense as that I project something from myself ‘on humanity’; as if I am not part of it and I did ‘feel it showing in my face’ as well, so I found it quite striking and very observant from her, however as I mentioned, it only makes sense when seeing, realizing and understanding it inside and as myself in a way that I can open it up, embrace, forgive and change.

So far for today and I will see how this topic opens up more in time to come, into and as self-understanding.

In Memory of the animals that died in the recent fires but no one cares 💔

roces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 810 – Defining the worst in myself

I was reading this blog of Marlen about her early stages of pregnancy and a few words stroke me with regards to my own process (in the past but also present in a way):

 (…) And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, (…)

Here I finally came to defining what did bring me within myself to make a decision towards an abortion, now almost 20 years ago. I have written a whole blogserie with sound cloud recordings about it and mostly processed everything involved, however I noticed that it still did come up in a way with experiences of regret and a lack of self-understanding in some dimension of it. I was thinking if it perhaps was related to the pre-menopause that I feel that I am physically entering, however then still it did not make really sense to me, as if it would ‘never go away’.

Her words in the blog of ‘it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ – here I saw directly within me, it was the worst of me that said ‘no’ and from here, I had locked myself in at the age of 28, exactly as how we were pre-programmed. And from here on, I have seen myself living the worst of me in this area, until last year where I had to force myself to step out of it, out of a relationship where in as well my ex as I, were more and more living the worst of ourselves. He more in actions, me more in accepting and allowing (that’s another topic worth for a blog – the role of accepting and allowing and what this means). Here I received the words from my own beingness as support:

“Allow yourself to cry and let go because it’s a letting go of the worst of you”.

From the age of 16, I have actually felt more conscious this ‘heavy, dark, thing’ inside me and here at my 16th it is were I started to ‘kill the life in me’ in a way as tending to become anorectic. And so I walked on this edge for years, not falling into the valley, but walking on the edge, every time going to hit the confrontation but not crossing the line in a way were I would loose myself completely (this ‘not loosing myself’ is probably related to how my physical body and mind within is set up – see blog – where I early became aware of my emotional state through the effect on my organs).

However within this pattern, I was kind of lost anyway, in the sense that I was not able to really change in it all. And this is what I define as the worst in me, this destruction where in I literally kill the life in different forms, or perhaps better described as to ‘nip life in the bud‘ (het leven in de kiem smoren – Dutch) and / or at least have the tendency to do this. I now do understand why I had such a prominent reflection of self-destruction in this last partnership, where every potential of growth would almost immediately be destroyed after the first blooming.

This ‘killing the life within me’ I need to have a deeper look at. It seems like a religious pre-programming that I tend to live out within suppression, within my own physical body mostly, through acceptance and allowance. And a child would bring out all of this what I suppressed – including all my self-interests and/as a fear of ‘not finding this so called ‘loved one’ – and I knew this and also knew that I did not yet have the tools to support myself effectively within it all and so, what then probably should happened, is that I transferred it towards the child; because, I was afraid to stand up and stand my ground in many ways. Which I wanted to prevent and so, I prevented this by the decision for an abortion.

This sounds nobel, however in the core, I was killing an opportunity to let come forward the best of me as well, to move through and go beyond all the fears and self-limitations. And this I felt reflected – already from the beginning that I find out that I was pregnant – in the fact that deeply within me, I would have wanted to give birth to this child. I will never know how I would have managed or not. Probably I would not have lived my best then either, because as I said, I did not yet have the tools to effectively support myself to do so. So it was a choice within two compromised scenario’s and that had to do with my starting-point in how I did become pregnant and who I was in it back then – all described in the mentioned blog-serie with sound cloud and specifically in this blog.

It is now since a year that I finally gain weight in a very natural way and even without someone really noticing is, as it comes in all parts of my body and I see for myself that I now have this body that belongs to me, my constitution in a way, as I recognize it from before my 16th. I knew and felt that I was slightly underweight for years, however I could not bring myself back to my more physical and natural state on long term. Interestingly enough it was in this last relationship that I learned from my ex to ‘eat again’, however there was way too much stress and so only when being and living alone again, I now had this reference to eat and I kept eating in this way and with the reduce of the stress and the process of letting go of the worst of me, I naturally gain some weight, I assume something between 3-5 kilo, which is quite a lot for my posture and really makes a difference in my physical well-being.

Another point of cross-reference that came up after this realization today, is that I immediately and finally can make peace with the leaving of a friend years ago. I was not fighting it, however still reacting inside myself to her decision and with this defining of the worst of me, this dark, heavy thing, I see now that underneath everything, I am quite sure that this is what she walked away from. Anyway it is not up to me to discuss her motivations, but within me it becomes quiet with regards to this event.

When looking back at my life in this area, I feel compassion for myself in how awful, how horrid this all was, this deep dark heavy thing as a red line throughout my life and that showed mostly it’s face with regards to intimate relationships and fertility, but in general it was something always underlying and in the background; but elusive at the same time. (I see now that this also needs a blog by itself about this dark heavy thing and what I was searching for.) If I scroll through the mentioned and related blog-serie, it is like a long compromising path, as a never ending nightmare that I do not recommend anyone to live.

However, it did keep me searching for solutions, the ‘full moon‘ in me did keep shining and I have not given up on this and so I have not given up on myself within this, although I have been close to giving up several times – where exactly in those moments, when sitting down and not knowing what to do anymore, I found support in some alternative way or pushed myself to find it – and ofcourse lived many experiences of ‘giving up’ in small and large moments. This dark heavy undercurrent and the – for myself noticeable – effect of my mind on my physical body, is what brought me to the living principles in my life, to the study of natural medicine, to all the alternative ways of support, to supportive friendships and interactions and eventually to Desteni.

I have missed the opportunity to find myself in the years of fertility and so, to give birth to another life / beingness and this gives a point of regret in an irreversible way; it is the reality of myself and a reflection of the current state of the world as well.

But; I have still years before me to birth myself as life from the physical and to open up and strengthen a connection between my beingness and my physical body, while still walking through my own created mind-patterns and accepted and allowed programmings. I have years before me to let go of the worst of me, to recognize when I tend to enter this, to see where and how I have suppressed all of this and to make the decision to now change towards living my utmost potential. And I have years before me to walk this in mutual support within Desteni and within this world and my living environment and with the people and animals around me.

Only when facing, recognizing / understanding / forgiving and defining this worst in myself, I will be able to let it go. Here we have a groupchat on this topic as well.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 809 – The point of control

Continuing with self-forgiveness on Dag 808 – Zero point

For who is not familiair with the application of self-forgiveness: the self-forgiveness may sound ‘heavy’ and dark and what more, however with putting all the heavy, dark secret / hidden patterns in self-forgiveness I am actually deleting the heavyness and secretness and so, creating space to something new and aligned to life. So this ‘heavyness’ is not ‘who I am’ but actually, in this way I am making space to birth myself into life . Breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so disappointed about the endings, the non-continuations, the start-overs with regards to partner relationships, where in friendships I am very stable and consistent and hardly anxious about an ending, as I do not see this ‘ending’ and when they do, it does not so much trigger emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulties to find what to bring in self-forgiveness here and rather give in the urge to take some rest and lay down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it ridiculous to actively create an opportunity for a sharing-ship and rather ‘let it happen’ when it is here and otherwise let it be, when what is remarkable, that when I for example want to expand in my job-area, I do actively plan courses, lessons, input etc – hmmm what I see now is that here I also not do this and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to actively open myself up and make myself visible to the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to stand for what I would like to create and stick my head out of the corn field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if it is needed to actively make myself visible or that I can just make myself ready on an inner level and when an opportunity may open up, I then am able to respond and investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a self-sabotaging pattern as an excuse to not actively make myself visible and keep myself in the passively position of inner preparation, which in itself is not a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only bring in what is absolutely needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amputate, to withdraw myself from life in a certain area and within doing so, amputating myself from life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amputate myself from life (and) to not feel anything anymore for real.

Opening up another dimension a few days later:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like breaking into 1000 pieces by facing the one thing that I had not implied and that determined my past relationship and basicely all past relationships, as in that I go into ‘managing’ the relationship in which I make it invisible in what another is bringing in, in what I really want as potential to create and what is realistic and possible within it all as a sharing-ship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this one point serious and use it as a point of control, to not face essential moments of letting go and experiences of loss and so, blow it up and out of perspective, which makes it bigger and bigger and more and more difficult to let go, because already so much ‘energy’ is invested and physical labour as well and connections on all levels are made (mind-being-body) which makes it emotional much more challenging and painful to face the missing piece / point and let go eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to create a huge experience of loss for myself in order to face this way of control within me that already from the beginning, sabotages a (potential) relationship.

Two weeks of time has been passed between these two blogs; where in I along the way, let it become ready within myself to open up and bring about a point that I find essential for myself to integrate and actively letting go as a point of control. Actively meaning that I need to be and become aware of myself going into this control and then actively change myself in the moment, as it will not ‘change by itself’ after the realization of it only.

I did read many modern relationship advises and advertisements of courses about relationships, as in for example ‘being a modern siren’ and what this entails. This brought me to finding – or more finally admitting – the mistake within myself with regards to my approach of a (potential) relationship / sharing ship. To not make all these modern advertisements and courses an absolute truth and spend a lot of money on it – as I already am walking the Desteni I Process for my process of self-realization and birthing myself as life from the physical and honestly I do not see a more complete approach of everything that is here than what Desteni is providing and including all dimensions – but to integrate that what is pointed out in life of today, that calls my attention, so to use what is here within my own process as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see something is not totally aligned within me and my approach, yet time after time, ignoring it in a way and calling it ‘innosence’ as if it can not do any harm, as if it’s too small, as if it’s okay and many other justifications within myself, where in the end, the seemingly small becomes extremely big and controling myself and my life as a whole if I do not step in and stop myself actively and changing direction; stepping into self-direction.

As how Bernard used to say ‘let someone go after their bliss’ and eventually it will blow up in our face as it did within myself.

I also see clearly how I / we cannot force another to see or admit something inside self, as I do not see how much a point is integrated and as I experience within myself, is that I needed a year to unravel this before I could clearly see and admit a mistake as a point of control (and the whole process took 7-9 years of actively walking to where I am now). As it is so integrated within my physical body that it needs time to des-integrate, otherwise I would physically collapse. And so this works for everyone in this way.

Then, a few days later again, what I see within myself is that when eventually, the ‘big’ is walked through and brought back to the one small point, it is actually a point and not more or less, to investigate, self-forgive and correct myself in. Where it looks like ‘what was all the fuzz about’; why is it so difficult to let something go that I really wanted and preferred to be different than what it is? Where this is easy to way when looking back and also easy to say from a point of knowledge. However walking through all dimensions, it takes time. Because it feels like ‘dying’ which actually is happening (and needs to happen) on a mind-level and because I made this my reality, a lot of fear is included. And we know what the biggest control is: fear.

And, the ‘fuzz’ is about how I separated myself from a point in and as myself that in essence, I did not effectively bring into self-expression and so it did start leading ‘a life of it’s own’.

To be continued


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 808 – Zero point

Back to writing! It is a month ago since my last blog which is not as long as it seems. I really start missing this moment with myself in the writing of a blog and sharing it with you who is reading. I find it different and more effective in the sense of grounding the self-commitment, than the introspection writings throughout the day on paper. As in ‘two or more in my name’; there is a witness to the life-commitment. Within the blog-writing I am satisfied with and as myself to express myself in what I stand for and as. This all because of me being part of a group of ‘journey to life – walkers’ 🙂 (which we actually are all as humanity) however here specificly with the application of the writing-tools find in Desteni I Process Lite as a free online-course. For all who are considering and / or hesitating to start a blog as a 7 years journey to life after doing this course; I can really recommend to start the writing.

I will continue on the subject of disappointment as I am not yet finished with this emotion. I find it very deep ingrained within me on many levels but all related to a particular area.

When looking back at my path with regards to relationships, the overall experience is….such a disappointment. Not about who I have met and walked with, but more in relation to the results, the endings, the non-continuation and so many start-overs.

I feel like I am at zero point within it all. Like nothing did make any sense of what I have walked in it, as it all lead to a death end, while I so much did my best to make it work. I know by consciousness that it is not about ‘a relationship with another’ mainly but more about the relationship with myself. Did this improve? Yes the relationship with myself did improve for sure.

Then what makes this experience of disappointment so deeply ingrained; what makes me feel such a failure in this area? I mean I can describe it more beautiful and see the lessons in it etc etc, however how I mainly experience myself in it all is not so beautiful. And this does not make it easier to open myself up for a potential new relationship / agreement and put myself out there. It feels like this sorrow and disappointment is all over my face and visible within my eyes; like a droopy. It feels like I have walked this same route a trillion times and perhaps it is a preprogramming existing throughout all my lives.

However, I am here in this one life, having the basics within myself and my life (housing, income, health, education) in a stable place and having the luck to be in a position to accomplish this. So, I everytime come back to the point that I will will myself to at least give it my all to become more satisfied with myself in this area and who knows, creating a satisfying sharing-ship (I just made up this word) that suits myself and another and so that is best for ourselves as life as a whole.

I notice that I am not living my best potential and that I actually have missed, again and again, my best potential in this one point. So I more see this area as a motivation to push myself beyond the mind. Making the strength out of a weakness where in this area I almost every day doubt if I will ever be able to make something more of myself. I more and more see how challenging it is to move myself beyond the mind-programming and how convenient and ‘natural’ it feels to stay within the comfort of what I already know.

I have had several times a ‘meeting’ with the bees (yes the insects) that stands out to me. First time was a few weeks ago when a swarm bees were flying above my garden. It gave a loud buzzing and they keep hanging around for quite some time. I just had read before an article that some swarms were being let out or something like that – I am not even sure if it was in my living-area – and to just let them be(e) as they were replacing themselves. A little while later I shared this with a befriended couple and we looked up the information about ‘meaning of meeting bees’ in your life. The thing that was clearly mentioned is the work effort they put in every day. On my way home after this meeting again…the swarm was passing over above my head. Very remarkable as it was days or even weeks later after the first time having the swarm above my garden. I looked it up again at home in another book – same thing mainly came forward, as putting in the work and effort.

Today in the garden I sat next to flowers with bees busy close to me and even sat on my legs now and then. Now within this all – what also did go through me is thoughts like ‘oh my, what if they come down in the garden and the cats are still out there (first time with the swarm above the garden) or today thoughts like ‘hmmm will it stick me when sitting on my leg’? But mainly I enjoyed them being around. And here, while taking a break of this blog with a coffee in the garden, again surrounded by these bees, what again comes to my awareness is to look at and integrate the work and effort. Like a bee being diligent.

I had reflected on this ‘work and effort’ earlier this week and actually came to see that I did Not really put in the work and effort to really Create a sharing-ship with a male-partner (I do bring in myself more in friendships with females and also males; that is why I mention it specific as male-partner here). It somehow looks like I do a lot for it but when looking back, I every time step in from a point of convenience and from there trying to bring in what I find important, which then mainly fails on long term. I am not yet making this last step, this push of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’. And within this I create an experience of disappointment and difficulty.

When really looking at this point of work and effort, it is not difficult persé but more a constant and continues effort of self-expression that may feel unnatural. And I see this on many levels and area’s, that achieving something is not difficult persé, but more a matter of who is bringing in the time and effort to create that something that is seen as a possibility as best for life as a whole.

So yes, here I have failed to do this and this level of ‘failing’ (Dutch and English blog) is hidden inside myself; where it looks from a mind-perspective that I ‘tried everything’. I find it a very much veiled dimension of why things may ‘fail’ to take shape and sustain. The mind makes it look like ‘everything has been done already’ when actually nothing is accomplished in and as a sustainable and effective matter. Welcome to how the world is build up and exist today.

No surprise then that the bees are ‘threatened in their existence’. As the bees Do bring in this effort and they Do matter, however we as the human race tend to destroy it all from a starting-point of the mind, of superiority, of making money more important than Life.

Here the word Humbleness does make sense a lot. As something that we need to integrate as humans in and as ourselves and so in and as our way of living.

Back to myself – I can use the word humbleness to support myself to start from scratch in this zero-point. I need to admit that I have not yet developped the best approach with regards to finding and creating a sharing-ship with a male partner. What I find striking as well in Leila’s blog, how she describes how walking a change, does contain admitting that I had not yet done and walked what is best in this area and this may exist as a reason / resistance and standing in the way, of actually changing for real:

(…) ‘Don’t change, because if you change, you’re actually acknowledging that something’s wrong with you, that you’re less than, that you’re…bad!’ (…)

Let’s go to the application of self-forgiveness to open up and make room for the practical application of change; as a start of this change within and without.

Self-forgiveness being walked in the next blog.

The Consciousness of the Bees


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 804 – The importance of my starting-point

Continuing on Dag 803 – Redefining relationships with the support of interviews

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively define what I would like to live in a relationship-agreement and to somehow expect that I / we will find out along the way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this, I automatically follow all the subconscious / unconscious (pre-)programs and only through ‘living them out’ learn to know how and where I am following ineffective programs within and as my mind and integrated within my physical body and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start with sex / physical intimacy and from here, trying to create a mutual supportive communication, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have turned around the entrance-point, as the physical intimacy should follow up on mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so becoming a physical expression of all these qualities developed over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if not effectively building / developing a communication based on qualities like trust, intimacy, freedom, support, then eventually, the physical intimacy will stagnate, because one cannot lie in sex / physical intimacy as the body does not lie and so, at some point, the physical intimacy can no longer ‘save’ the relationship from an ineffective communication and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter the physical intimacy from a starting-point of fear, thinking and believing that “I / we will never be able to make it and so we better get out of it as much and as far as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will not be able to build / develop an effective relationship-agreement with another as a partner, based on mutual support, trust, freedom, intimacy etc as I do not see how all and everything will come together in this, meaning, a ‘liking’ of each other, our place in process and developed skills, our practical situation in this world, the will to create something more and so, I on forehand compromise myself in my potential and start somewhere in the middle, to at least then being able to create some of the physical intimacy that I see that should be possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start in the middle and / or at the end and so already from the start, sabotage my own potential which then also reflect in the relationship and within another as well, both being limited in our expression and creation because of the limited starting-point in it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on an end-goal of ‘wanting a relationship with a partner with physical intimacy’ and so projecting a goal outside myself, instead of focusing on my expression and development along the way, such as sharing, self-trust and trust, freedom from a point of self-honesty, intimacy in small moments, mutual support etc and from here, walk day by day, week by week, until it’s done and if not done, as far as possible, because in the end what matters and has an effect on myself, my life and on others and their lives, is who I am in every moment of self-creation, in and as a self-agreement and from a starting-point of what is best for all as life and to be able to do this, I have to face and let go of a fear that I ‘will never make it’ and one thing is for sure, if I go on as how I am used to / have allowed myself to be programmed, I for sure ‘will not make it’ as the best of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ‘fear of failure’ rule me (read ‘Failure in Relation to the Soul‘) so that it is not up to me ‘failing’ if the end-result is not how I perceived, because in fact, I did not ‘do my best’ from the beginning / within my starting-point / in who I am; although it looks as if I do the best I can, it is more a ‘trying to make it work’ with what I have started, from a self-dishonest / misaligned entrance point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I experience an emotion of for example missing or sadness, to think and believe that I did something wrong and so ‘not what is best’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the emotion shows a part of myself that I have separated myself from and so, I firstly need to bring the piece back to myself where from here, I am better able / enable myself to direct myself in a way that is best for myself / all selves (and where a real missing still can exist as well).

It are somehow all obvious points on a conscious level, yet at the same time, it is needed to self-forgive, redefine and bit by bit, living the correction, because the ‘obvious’ is turned around and ineffectively programmed and followed up by me on deeper levels, within and as myself.

To be continued.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 803 – Redefining relationships with the support of interviews

I have been listening to the Sexual & Gender Identities Series on Eqafe. I choose this serie out of interest in the deeper dimensions behind it. Not because I have questions or doubt about my own gender or sexual identity; I am and have been clear of being attracted to male’s for intimate / sexual relationships and whenever I check this within myself, this stays the same. I did in my late teenage years have two sort of interactions with kissing a girl; one with a friend and one on a home-party where ‘everyone was kissing everyone’ more or less. With the friend, I did it more because she initiated this and I was ‘observing’ how it was different from kissing with a boy; for the rest nothing moved within me in a form of attraction or excitement. Then I remember one time seeing a girl / woman in a sport-club who was a more’masculine’ and her I found ‘attractive’ and I was a bit surprised about this. And this was basicly it. Sometimes it would seem easier to me lol, to have a relationship with a female as I find the communication with females many times easier / more comfortable. Here noticing that I would totally miss my challenge and potential if I would follow up on this from a starting-point of avoiding the challenge to align with a male and so not being self-honest / genuine in this point.

However I find it supportive to understand some more on how sexual identities exist and develop in different forms and with different dimensions behind it, to understand more about every one who is having a ‘different sexual / gender’ identity than the ‘normal’ male-female form.

While listening to the serie, I find many supportive information in it on relationships and sexuality in general and especially a serie of five, done by one being through the portal, is giving me clear definitions about forming a ‘healthy relationship’ in general; may it be with males or females. And this is something that I am struggling with in my life as here it seems my toughest programming is existing. So first and foremost, this serie is very supportive for everyone to listen and not only for those who are having questions about their sexual or gender identity.

The interviews are done by a being who describes herself as bi-sexual, how she was very genuine in this with regards to her sexual and gender identity and how she was lucky to develop an extra-ordinary relationship through her life that was of benefit for each to live their potential. For details I of course recommend to listen to the interviews 😉 starting here: Being Bi-Sexual and Gender Identities.

What I find most supportive is how in one of the interviews, she describes “how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship” instead of “how sex become what defines a relationship”. She describes this in a beautiful and simple way.

In theory, this is quite easy to comprehend. However what I have found is that the ‘default’ programming is existing on deep levels and not so easy to ‘turn around’ in a way, into a wholesome approach. Meaning, I did let sex define the relationship I would enter, although ‘I knew better’. I had to walk it through to the point of creating (many long and short-term) relationships with several consequences, up to where I am now, with / within myself, taking the time to clarify for myself how to redefine a partner-ship into something I will be satisfied with to walk and that underlines my potential, the potential of a partner and so the potential of life as a whole.

Her clear and integer description supports me to implement this first and foremost within myself; to give sex and sexuality the place where it belongs and not making it more important then what is is / should be. She also describes how “this world would perfectly function without sex”.

What I mean with ‘turning it around’ is that I tend to start with sex / physical intimacy and from there, try to develop the trust, intimacy, communication, freedom etc. Which is almost impossible as the starting-point is not aligned but compromised; there is a fear behind it of for example ‘not having sex / not aligning in sex’ and so starting with this to make sure this is in place and / or at least experienced – in a way and also a fear of ‘not being able to firstly align in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so disconnect ‘having sex’ and ‘supportive relationships’ (as how I am able to develop these qualities in friendships) and within this disconnection, trying to ‘have both’ but actually separated and in the end I still find myself trying to bring the (sexual) relationship towards an alignment in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc. I have tried this many times and all the many times, did not succeed in bringing it into a satisfying partnership. So I now can conclude that my approach is not effective, that I miss something in the relationship with myself and that I need to go back to the drawing-board of my own mind-being-body relationship and finding a way of implementing sex as a “physical expression of everything that I develop in a relationship” as partnership, other than friendship.

Many of the interviews in this serie are coming back on this one point (“how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship”) and so listening to (the repeating of this in) the serie is a start of a ‘reprogramming’ of myself within this.

So far for this blog – to be followed up with self-forgiveness.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 802 – Depression and responsibility

I started this blog two days ago with writing self-forgiveness on what I received as comments on a picture of my face. I found it very supportive to open up with and enter the levels that were visible in my facial expression / resonance. From here on (the blog) I had two ‘heavy’ days and did come in an experience of depression. It was quite heavy, yet at the same time I did see it as a layer that I presented to myself as if it was time to open it up, to find the source of it. Meaning, the depression did not ‘scare’ me as if I would get lost in it; I kept my self-awareness within it.

What I also started to see is that if and when I have all the basic information about how the mind is build up and operates, about systems, self-awareness, self-honesty and tools of how to work with it all (writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and living words) and the breathing to help myself through moments of panic; then I should be able to support myself through and find the ‘flaw’ within me, as it exists most of times as a conflictual situation / experience between a program / system / self-belief and my self-honesty as ‘who I am / want to be’ as what is best for myself (and so for others and/as life as a whole). This does not mean it was an easy two days; it was not. I found a lot of insecurity that I have created within myself and that are based on a few thoughts, existing as self-beliefs.

During the two days I did continue with my daily tasks and kept on communicating; on my way to work in the morning of the second day, I could already write down some realizations. After two days in the evening, I found a striking behaviour-pattern of / within myself. I realized, well better said, I directly saw how I deliberately bring myself in a situation that is not best for myself; where I already have received flag-points to investigate (inside and/or outside myself) before entering the situation (in my case relationships) but stepping deeper into it within the purpose to be so deep into it ‘that I cannot step out of it anymore’ and so ‘I need to stay in it and deal with it / make the best of it’ without the need to leave.

Before I had already noticed this pattern but I translated it in a way as if this was my way of forcing myself to take responsibility for myself in certain situations; as if I otherwise would not do this. What I did see now directly, is that my starting-point of doing this (entering the situation despite there being and seeing flag-points all over within myself and / or outside that I firstly need to investigate and bring into alignment) is to avoid responsibility as that “I am already in it, I cannot let it go anymore” and so trying to take responsibility within a situation that is compromised and so walking around the one real deep starting-point that I need to take responsibility for in / as myself (that the red-flags already are showing). When I did see, realize and understand this within myself, the depression did go away or actually, disappeared simultaneously.

This brought me back to my experience of depression 20 years ago, when I did enter a situation in a way that I should not have entered (with the consequence that I made a decision for an abortion) and even years before back, where I did experience a deep, clinical depression for some moments (a few times from about 30 minutes) after taking a piece of extasy – also in a situation where I actually should not have been part of but in the last moment when another appointment was canceled I decided to join.

This brings me to be and become aware of how and where I bring myself in situations that are not best for myself, that I should better avoid and move on with or towards something more suitable but where I deliberately and continuesly as a pattern, go ‘to the edge’ and actually ‘over the edge’ in a compromising way. What I actually allow myself here is to ‘experience’ something, to get my bliss in a way before I stop. Here to remind myself that if I compromise myself, this will also be compromising for others involved and life as a whole, in some way (that I even not may see directly) and that I also need to be aware that with ‘going after this bliss’, the bliss may ‘get me / the best of me’ if I continue like this.

Here under the start of the blog 2 days ago as an example of how the blog-writing and just starting with self-forgiveness, is supportive to open up some deep dimensions within myself.

2 days ago:

I found some comments on my picture in a facebook-group of Desteni Universe where many placed a picture and one could describe what one is seeing within the face of each other. I was hesitating to describe what I see in other faces but enjoyed all the plain and straight pictures. I find the comments on my picture striking and so I use them here to apply self-forgiveness on. The picture was made in the morning on my way to work and close after some words of ‘goodbye’ in the day and week before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the sadness in my eyes; the sadness of a goodbye that I would have liked to see different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than everyone else who is ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like self-intimacy is not enough and at the same time feeling like I will never get there, I will never be able to bring myself towards and within a satisfying, intimate interaction with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad with the need to start all over again, like if every effort before did not make any sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of all the effort that I put in that ‘lead to nowwhere’ – hmmm interesting slip of the finger: ‘nowwhere’ instead of nowhere.

Here I found a picture with the words ‘being in the Now’ where I could look through the words and where I did see how trying to be in the now, does actually contain a ‘fear of missing out’ behind it. Here to correct this in the more grounded statement as ‘Being Here’ as this is embracing everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in this one point which I know is my struggle-point because I have never learned or had an example to build an effective relationship from a starting-point of self-intimacy, however because I see the possibility for so long while living in reality my lesser version, it feels like ‘I will never get there’ which I actually created as experience through walking relationships from a compromised starting-point, in and as fear (of never getting there / not going to make it / missing my chance) and so, I am walking in circles, in a loop, creating over and over this fear-experience within and as me, in and as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this loop as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say ‘goodbye’ and to keep things ‘open’ for the future, although I do not see any possibility to continue, considering the facts and reality of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep things open for the future’ and so limiting myself in moving forwards in current time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in this point, my current location-point with regards to relationships, to show face and where I am within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can not have any disappointment anymore and with any new disappointment, feeling like my motivation for anything is dropping down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in situations where I easily get disappointed until I cannot have it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so deeply disappointed from all the moments that a required self-honesty within a relationship is not coming forward where in my own self-honesty, the best option is to leave, however still feeling like there was another option as ‘living my best’, but I have missed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to stay as long as possible and within this not placing my self-honesty and self-intimacy at first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the seeing of living my best potential to ‘if I would have done that, we would have been together’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these things are not automatically connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up ‘ment to be’ and ‘supposed to be’ and actually not being aware of what ‘supposed to be’ looks like, feels like, sounds like, manifests like and so holding on to ‘what is ment to be’ as the only ‘replacing’ experience that seems to come close, however which must be my pre-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have walked such a difficult point and to find it ridiculous that this is the point I struggle with the most and within this, not taking myself serious enough in it, as walking through and moving beyond a pre-programming is the most difficult thing that I (as we all) have ever done, no matter where this point is related to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself as if I should have known better and should have done better and so superiorizing myself as well in this point, thinking and believing that I already could have done better when I show myself in reality that I first need to walk through to see, embrace, understand and forgive the lesser version of myself and getting my hands dirty so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to some day feel ready to let go, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that time will take off the sharpness so to speak but I need to let go actively and by decision, otherwise I will never let go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I fear to ‘let go’ because of the ‘letting go’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really fear is the ‘not knowing’ that comes after it with all the ‘what if’s’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not (yet) willing to put in the effort for what is behind it and needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in ‘the concept of love’ (that many name as ‘trusting the universum or god’) instead of letting go the concept of love and stepping into the depth of trusting myself in and as life.

Second morning:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself to my own strength, as if it is a curse, thinking and believing that no one will stand with me in this (as a partner) and so I will be (left) alone and/or never find someone.

This brought me to the words that Bernard speak to me several times when I was on the farm in South-Africa 7 years ago: “you are a strong woman, you have to (need to?) accept that’.

I realized that it is about accepting myself in this as ‘this is who I am’- this will make me secure, more certain. He literally said it in words but it takes me all this time to really understand the words. This ‘accepting’ is essential / crucial in this, otherwise it will be a ‘trying to hide my insecurity’ and so I polarize the insecurity and uncertainty into an arrogance. Which is what I did/do not want and so, I could/can not enter these words within me.

What I now see is that this may be conflictual with ‘the concept / system of love’ – as the one that I ‘feel love for and feel loved back by’ may not be the one that is potential suitable. With other words, ‘the one ment to be‘ with may be different / another than that I am supposed to be with.

So in order for myself to accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ I need to walk through the concept / system of love (as how it exists in this world) with many illusions and flaws connected and integrated within. And as long as I keep holding on to the veil of love, I will not accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ as my utmost potential. Simply because these two points are conflictual and cannot exist at the same time. Here I do not mean that ‘love as equality’ cannot exist at the same time with ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’, but not as a pre-programmed design of ‘love’, based on experiences and polarizations and not as long as the words ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’ is polarized within / as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace, accept myself as a strong woman in order to avoid responsibility, within and as myself as a whole.

‘Strong’ to be redefined in time to come.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive