Dag 810 – Defining the worst in myself

I was reading this blog of Marlen about her early stages of pregnancy and a few words stroke me with regards to my own process (in the past but also present in a way):

 (…) And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, (…)

Here I finally came to defining what did bring me within myself to make a decision towards an abortion, now almost 20 years ago. I have written a whole blogserie with sound cloud recordings about it and mostly processed everything involved, however I noticed that it still did come up in a way with experiences of regret and a lack of self-understanding in some dimension of it. I was thinking if it perhaps was related to the pre-menopause that I feel that I am physically entering, however then still it did not make really sense to me, as if it would ‘never go away’.

Her words in the blog of ‘it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ – here I saw directly within me, it was the worst of me that said ‘no’ and from here, I had locked myself in at the age of 28, exactly as how we were pre-programmed. And from here on, I have seen myself living the worst of me in this area, until last year where I had to force myself to step out of it, out of a relationship where in as well my ex as I, were more and more living the worst of ourselves. He more in actions, me more in accepting and allowing (that’s another topic worth for a blog – the role of accepting and allowing and what this means). Here I received the words from my own beingness as support:

“Allow yourself to cry and let go because it’s a letting go of the worst of you”.

From the age of 16, I have actually felt more conscious this ‘heavy, dark, thing’ inside me and here at my 16th it is were I started to ‘kill the life in me’ in a way as tending to become anorectic. And so I walked on this edge for years, not falling into the valley, but walking on the edge, every time going to hit the confrontation but not crossing the line in a way were I would loose myself completely (this ‘not loosing myself’ is probably related to how my physical body and mind within is set up – see blog – where I early became aware of my emotional state through the effect on my organs).

However within this pattern, I was kind of lost anyway, in the sense that I was not able to really change in it all. And this is what I define as the worst in me, this destruction where in I literally kill the life in different forms, or perhaps better described as to ‘nip life in the bud‘ (het leven in de kiem smoren – Dutch) and / or at least have the tendency to do this. I now do understand why I had such a prominent reflection of self-destruction in this last partnership, where every potential of growth would almost immediately be destroyed after the first blooming.

This ‘killing the life within me’ I need to have a deeper look at. It seems like a religious pre-programming that I tend to live out within suppression, within my own physical body mostly, through acceptance and allowance. And a child would bring out all of this what I suppressed – including all my self-interests and/as a fear of ‘not finding this so called ‘loved one’ – and I knew this and also knew that I did not yet have the tools to support myself effectively within it all and so, what then probably should happened, is that I transferred it towards the child; because, I was afraid to stand up and stand my ground in many ways. Which I wanted to prevent and so, I prevented this by the decision for an abortion.

This sounds nobel, however in the core, I was killing an opportunity to let come forward the best of me as well, to move through and go beyond all the fears and self-limitations. And this I felt reflected – already from the beginning that I find out that I was pregnant – in the fact that deeply within me, I would have wanted to give birth to this child. I will never know how I would have managed or not. Probably I would not have lived my best then either, because as I said, I did not yet have the tools to effectively support myself to do so. So it was a choice within two compromised scenario’s and that had to do with my starting-point in how I did become pregnant and who I was in it back then – all described in the mentioned blog-serie with sound cloud and specifically in this blog.

It is now since a year that I finally gain weight in a very natural way and even without someone really noticing is, as it comes in all parts of my body and I see for myself that I now have this body that belongs to me, my constitution in a way, as I recognize it from before my 16th. I knew and felt that I was slightly underweight for years, however I could not bring myself back to my more physical and natural state on long term. Interestingly enough it was in this last relationship that I learned from my ex to ‘eat again’, however there was way too much stress and so only when being and living alone again, I now had this reference to eat and I kept eating in this way and with the reduce of the stress and the process of letting go of the worst of me, I naturally gain some weight, I assume something between 3-5 kilo, which is quite a lot for my posture and really makes a difference in my physical well-being.

Another point of cross-reference that came up after this realization today, is that I immediately and finally can make peace with the leaving of a friend years ago. I was not fighting it, however still reacting inside myself to her decision and with this defining of the worst of me, this dark, heavy thing, I see now that underneath everything, I am quite sure that this is what she walked away from. Anyway it is not up to me to discuss her motivations, but within me it becomes quiet with regards to this event.

When looking back at my life in this area, I feel compassion for myself in how awful, how horrid this all was, this deep dark heavy thing as a red line throughout my life and that showed mostly it’s face with regards to intimate relationships and fertility, but in general it was something always underlying and in the background; but elusive at the same time. (I see now that this also needs a blog by itself about this dark heavy thing and what I was searching for.) If I scroll through the mentioned and related blog-serie, it is like a long compromising path, as a never ending nightmare that I do not recommend anyone to live.

However, it did keep me searching for solutions, the ‘full moon‘ in me did keep shining and I have not given up on this and so I have not given up on myself within this, although I have been close to giving up several times – where exactly in those moments, when sitting down and not knowing what to do anymore, I found support in some alternative way or pushed myself to find it – and ofcourse lived many experiences of ‘giving up’ in small and large moments. This dark heavy undercurrent and the – for myself noticeable – effect of my mind on my physical body, is what brought me to the living principles in my life, to the study of natural medicine, to all the alternative ways of support, to supportive friendships and interactions and eventually to Desteni.

I have missed the opportunity to find myself in the years of fertility and so, to give birth to another life / beingness and this gives a point of regret in an irreversible way; it is the reality of myself and a reflection of the current state of the world as well.

But; I have still years before me to birth myself as life from the physical and to open up and strengthen a connection between my beingness and my physical body, while still walking through my own created mind-patterns and accepted and allowed programmings. I have years before me to let go of the worst of me, to recognize when I tend to enter this, to see where and how I have suppressed all of this and to make the decision to now change towards living my utmost potential. And I have years before me to walk this in mutual support within Desteni and within this world and my living environment and with the people and animals around me.

Only when facing, recognizing / understanding / forgiving and defining this worst in myself, I will be able to let it go. Here we have a groupchat on this topic as well.


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

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Dag 809 – The point of control

Continuing with self-forgiveness on Dag 808 – Zero point

For who is not familiair with the application of self-forgiveness: the self-forgiveness may sound ‘heavy’ and dark and what more, however with putting all the heavy, dark secret / hidden patterns in self-forgiveness I am actually deleting the heavyness and secretness and so, creating space to something new and aligned to life. So this ‘heavyness’ is not ‘who I am’ but actually, in this way I am making space to birth myself into life . Breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so disappointed about the endings, the non-continuations, the start-overs with regards to partner relationships, where in friendships I am very stable and consistent and hardly anxious about an ending, as I do not see this ‘ending’ and when they do, it does not so much trigger emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulties to find what to bring in self-forgiveness here and rather give in the urge to take some rest and lay down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it ridiculous to actively create an opportunity for a sharing-ship and rather ‘let it happen’ when it is here and otherwise let it be, when what is remarkable, that when I for example want to expand in my job-area, I do actively plan courses, lessons, input etc – hmmm what I see now is that here I also not do this and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to actively open myself up and make myself visible to the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to stand for what I would like to create and stick my head out of the corn field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if it is needed to actively make myself visible or that I can just make myself ready on an inner level and when an opportunity may open up, I then am able to respond and investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a self-sabotaging pattern as an excuse to not actively make myself visible and keep myself in the passively position of inner preparation, which in itself is not a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only bring in what is absolutely needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amputate, to withdraw myself from life in a certain area and within doing so, amputating myself from life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amputate myself from life (and) to not feel anything anymore for real.

Opening up another dimension a few days later:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like breaking into 1000 pieces by facing the one thing that I had not implied and that determined my past relationship and basicely all past relationships, as in that I go into ‘managing’ the relationship in which I make it invisible in what another is bringing in, in what I really want as potential to create and what is realistic and possible within it all as a sharing-ship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this one point serious and use it as a point of control, to not face essential moments of letting go and experiences of loss and so, blow it up and out of perspective, which makes it bigger and bigger and more and more difficult to let go, because already so much ‘energy’ is invested and physical labour as well and connections on all levels are made (mind-being-body) which makes it emotional much more challenging and painful to face the missing piece / point and let go eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to create a huge experience of loss for myself in order to face this way of control within me that already from the beginning, sabotages a (potential) relationship.

Two weeks of time has been passed between these two blogs; where in I along the way, let it become ready within myself to open up and bring about a point that I find essential for myself to integrate and actively letting go as a point of control. Actively meaning that I need to be and become aware of myself going into this control and then actively change myself in the moment, as it will not ‘change by itself’ after the realization of it only.

I did read many modern relationship advises and advertisements of courses about relationships, as in for example ‘being a modern siren’ and what this entails. This brought me to finding – or more finally admitting – the mistake within myself with regards to my approach of a (potential) relationship / sharing ship. To not make all these modern advertisements and courses an absolute truth and spend a lot of money on it – as I already am walking the Desteni I Process for my process of self-realization and birthing myself as life from the physical and honestly I do not see a more complete approach of everything that is here than what Desteni is providing and including all dimensions – but to integrate that what is pointed out in life of today, that calls my attention, so to use what is here within my own process as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see something is not totally aligned within me and my approach, yet time after time, ignoring it in a way and calling it ‘innosence’ as if it can not do any harm, as if it’s too small, as if it’s okay and many other justifications within myself, where in the end, the seemingly small becomes extremely big and controling myself and my life as a whole if I do not step in and stop myself actively and changing direction; stepping into self-direction.

As how Bernard used to say ‘let someone go after their bliss’ and eventually it will blow up in our face as it did within myself.

I also see clearly how I / we cannot force another to see or admit something inside self, as I do not see how much a point is integrated and as I experience within myself, is that I needed a year to unravel this before I could clearly see and admit a mistake as a point of control (and the whole process took 7-9 years of actively walking to where I am now). As it is so integrated within my physical body that it needs time to des-integrate, otherwise I would physically collapse. And so this works for everyone in this way.

Then, a few days later again, what I see within myself is that when eventually, the ‘big’ is walked through and brought back to the one small point, it is actually a point and not more or less, to investigate, self-forgive and correct myself in. Where it looks like ‘what was all the fuzz about’; why is it so difficult to let something go that I really wanted and preferred to be different than what it is? Where this is easy to way when looking back and also easy to say from a point of knowledge. However walking through all dimensions, it takes time. Because it feels like ‘dying’ which actually is happening (and needs to happen) on a mind-level and because I made this my reality, a lot of fear is included. And we know what the biggest control is: fear.

And, the ‘fuzz’ is about how I separated myself from a point in and as myself that in essence, I did not effectively bring into self-expression and so it did start leading ‘a life of it’s own’.

To be continued


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 808 – Zero point

Back to writing! It is a month ago since my last blog which is not as long as it seems. I really start missing this moment with myself in the writing of a blog and sharing it with you who is reading. I find it different and more effective in the sense of grounding the self-commitment, than the introspection writings throughout the day on paper. As in ‘two or more in my name’; there is a witness to the life-commitment. Within the blog-writing I am satisfied with and as myself to express myself in what I stand for and as. This all because of me being part of a group of ‘journey to life – walkers’ 🙂 (which we actually are all as humanity) however here specificly with the application of the writing-tools find in Desteni I Process Lite as a free online-course. For all who are considering and / or hesitating to start a blog as a 7 years journey to life after doing this course; I can really recommend to start the writing.

I will continue on the subject of disappointment as I am not yet finished with this emotion. I find it very deep ingrained within me on many levels but all related to a particular area.

When looking back at my path with regards to relationships, the overall experience is….such a disappointment. Not about who I have met and walked with, but more in relation to the results, the endings, the non-continuation and so many start-overs.

I feel like I am at zero point within it all. Like nothing did make any sense of what I have walked in it, as it all lead to a death end, while I so much did my best to make it work. I know by consciousness that it is not about ‘a relationship with another’ mainly but more about the relationship with myself. Did this improve? Yes the relationship with myself did improve for sure.

Then what makes this experience of disappointment so deeply ingrained; what makes me feel such a failure in this area? I mean I can describe it more beautiful and see the lessons in it etc etc, however how I mainly experience myself in it all is not so beautiful. And this does not make it easier to open myself up for a potential new relationship / agreement and put myself out there. It feels like this sorrow and disappointment is all over my face and visible within my eyes; like a droopy. It feels like I have walked this same route a trillion times and perhaps it is a preprogramming existing throughout all my lives.

However, I am here in this one life, having the basics within myself and my life (housing, income, health, education) in a stable place and having the luck to be in a position to accomplish this. So, I everytime come back to the point that I will will myself to at least give it my all to become more satisfied with myself in this area and who knows, creating a satisfying sharing-ship (I just made up this word) that suits myself and another and so that is best for ourselves as life as a whole.

I notice that I am not living my best potential and that I actually have missed, again and again, my best potential in this one point. So I more see this area as a motivation to push myself beyond the mind. Making the strength out of a weakness where in this area I almost every day doubt if I will ever be able to make something more of myself. I more and more see how challenging it is to move myself beyond the mind-programming and how convenient and ‘natural’ it feels to stay within the comfort of what I already know.

I have had several times a ‘meeting’ with the bees (yes the insects) that stands out to me. First time was a few weeks ago when a swarm bees were flying above my garden. It gave a loud buzzing and they keep hanging around for quite some time. I just had read before an article that some swarms were being let out or something like that – I am not even sure if it was in my living-area – and to just let them be(e) as they were replacing themselves. A little while later I shared this with a befriended couple and we looked up the information about ‘meaning of meeting bees’ in your life. The thing that was clearly mentioned is the work effort they put in every day. On my way home after this meeting again…the swarm was passing over above my head. Very remarkable as it was days or even weeks later after the first time having the swarm above my garden. I looked it up again at home in another book – same thing mainly came forward, as putting in the work and effort.

Today in the garden I sat next to flowers with bees busy close to me and even sat on my legs now and then. Now within this all – what also did go through me is thoughts like ‘oh my, what if they come down in the garden and the cats are still out there (first time with the swarm above the garden) or today thoughts like ‘hmmm will it stick me when sitting on my leg’? But mainly I enjoyed them being around. And here, while taking a break of this blog with a coffee in the garden, again surrounded by these bees, what again comes to my awareness is to look at and integrate the work and effort. Like a bee being diligent.

I had reflected on this ‘work and effort’ earlier this week and actually came to see that I did Not really put in the work and effort to really Create a sharing-ship with a male-partner (I do bring in myself more in friendships with females and also males; that is why I mention it specific as male-partner here). It somehow looks like I do a lot for it but when looking back, I every time step in from a point of convenience and from there trying to bring in what I find important, which then mainly fails on long term. I am not yet making this last step, this push of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’. And within this I create an experience of disappointment and difficulty.

When really looking at this point of work and effort, it is not difficult persé but more a constant and continues effort of self-expression that may feel unnatural. And I see this on many levels and area’s, that achieving something is not difficult persé, but more a matter of who is bringing in the time and effort to create that something that is seen as a possibility as best for life as a whole.

So yes, here I have failed to do this and this level of ‘failing’ (Dutch and English blog) is hidden inside myself; where it looks from a mind-perspective that I ‘tried everything’. I find it a very much veiled dimension of why things may ‘fail’ to take shape and sustain. The mind makes it look like ‘everything has been done already’ when actually nothing is accomplished in and as a sustainable and effective matter. Welcome to how the world is build up and exist today.

No surprise then that the bees are ‘threatened in their existence’. As the bees Do bring in this effort and they Do matter, however we as the human race tend to destroy it all from a starting-point of the mind, of superiority, of making money more important than Life.

Here the word Humbleness does make sense a lot. As something that we need to integrate as humans in and as ourselves and so in and as our way of living.

Back to myself – I can use the word humbleness to support myself to start from scratch in this zero-point. I need to admit that I have not yet developped the best approach with regards to finding and creating a sharing-ship with a male partner. What I find striking as well in Leila’s blog, how she describes how walking a change, does contain admitting that I had not yet done and walked what is best in this area and this may exist as a reason / resistance and standing in the way, of actually changing for real:

(…) ‘Don’t change, because if you change, you’re actually acknowledging that something’s wrong with you, that you’re less than, that you’re…bad!’ (…)

Let’s go to the application of self-forgiveness to open up and make room for the practical application of change; as a start of this change within and without.

Self-forgiveness being walked in the next blog.

The Consciousness of the Bees


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 804 – The importance of my starting-point

Continuing on Dag 803 – Redefining relationships with the support of interviews

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively define what I would like to live in a relationship-agreement and to somehow expect that I / we will find out along the way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this, I automatically follow all the subconscious / unconscious (pre-)programs and only through ‘living them out’ learn to know how and where I am following ineffective programs within and as my mind and integrated within my physical body and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start with sex / physical intimacy and from here, trying to create a mutual supportive communication, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have turned around the entrance-point, as the physical intimacy should follow up on mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so becoming a physical expression of all these qualities developed over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if not effectively building / developing a communication based on qualities like trust, intimacy, freedom, support, then eventually, the physical intimacy will stagnate, because one cannot lie in sex / physical intimacy as the body does not lie and so, at some point, the physical intimacy can no longer ‘save’ the relationship from an ineffective communication and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter the physical intimacy from a starting-point of fear, thinking and believing that “I / we will never be able to make it and so we better get out of it as much and as far as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will not be able to build / develop an effective relationship-agreement with another as a partner, based on mutual support, trust, freedom, intimacy etc as I do not see how all and everything will come together in this, meaning, a ‘liking’ of each other, our place in process and developed skills, our practical situation in this world, the will to create something more and so, I on forehand compromise myself in my potential and start somewhere in the middle, to at least then being able to create some of the physical intimacy that I see that should be possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start in the middle and / or at the end and so already from the start, sabotage my own potential which then also reflect in the relationship and within another as well, both being limited in our expression and creation because of the limited starting-point in it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on an end-goal of ‘wanting a relationship with a partner with physical intimacy’ and so projecting a goal outside myself, instead of focusing on my expression and development along the way, such as sharing, self-trust and trust, freedom from a point of self-honesty, intimacy in small moments, mutual support etc and from here, walk day by day, week by week, until it’s done and if not done, as far as possible, because in the end what matters and has an effect on myself, my life and on others and their lives, is who I am in every moment of self-creation, in and as a self-agreement and from a starting-point of what is best for all as life and to be able to do this, I have to face and let go of a fear that I ‘will never make it’ and one thing is for sure, if I go on as how I am used to / have allowed myself to be programmed, I for sure ‘will not make it’ as the best of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ‘fear of failure’ rule me (read ‘Failure in Relation to the Soul‘) so that it is not up to me ‘failing’ if the end-result is not how I perceived, because in fact, I did not ‘do my best’ from the beginning / within my starting-point / in who I am; although it looks as if I do the best I can, it is more a ‘trying to make it work’ with what I have started, from a self-dishonest / misaligned entrance point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I experience an emotion of for example missing or sadness, to think and believe that I did something wrong and so ‘not what is best’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the emotion shows a part of myself that I have separated myself from and so, I firstly need to bring the piece back to myself where from here, I am better able / enable myself to direct myself in a way that is best for myself / all selves (and where a real missing still can exist as well).

It are somehow all obvious points on a conscious level, yet at the same time, it is needed to self-forgive, redefine and bit by bit, living the correction, because the ‘obvious’ is turned around and ineffectively programmed and followed up by me on deeper levels, within and as myself.

To be continued.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 803 – Redefining relationships with the support of interviews

I have been listening to the Sexual & Gender Identities Series on Eqafe. I choose this serie out of interest in the deeper dimensions behind it. Not because I have questions or doubt about my own gender or sexual identity; I am and have been clear of being attracted to male’s for intimate / sexual relationships and whenever I check this within myself, this stays the same. I did in my late teenage years have two sort of interactions with kissing a girl; one with a friend and one on a home-party where ‘everyone was kissing everyone’ more or less. With the friend, I did it more because she initiated this and I was ‘observing’ how it was different from kissing with a boy; for the rest nothing moved within me in a form of attraction or excitement. Then I remember one time seeing a girl / woman in a sport-club who was a more’masculine’ and her I found ‘attractive’ and I was a bit surprised about this. And this was basicly it. Sometimes it would seem easier to me lol, to have a relationship with a female as I find the communication with females many times easier / more comfortable. Here noticing that I would totally miss my challenge and potential if I would follow up on this from a starting-point of avoiding the challenge to align with a male and so not being self-honest / genuine in this point.

However I find it supportive to understand some more on how sexual identities exist and develop in different forms and with different dimensions behind it, to understand more about every one who is having a ‘different sexual / gender’ identity than the ‘normal’ male-female form.

While listening to the serie, I find many supportive information in it on relationships and sexuality in general and especially a serie of five, done by one being through the portal, is giving me clear definitions about forming a ‘healthy relationship’ in general; may it be with males or females. And this is something that I am struggling with in my life as here it seems my toughest programming is existing. So first and foremost, this serie is very supportive for everyone to listen and not only for those who are having questions about their sexual or gender identity.

The interviews are done by a being who describes herself as bi-sexual, how she was very genuine in this with regards to her sexual and gender identity and how she was lucky to develop an extra-ordinary relationship through her life that was of benefit for each to live their potential. For details I of course recommend to listen to the interviews 😉 starting here: Being Bi-Sexual and Gender Identities.

What I find most supportive is how in one of the interviews, she describes “how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship” instead of “how sex become what defines a relationship”. She describes this in a beautiful and simple way.

In theory, this is quite easy to comprehend. However what I have found is that the ‘default’ programming is existing on deep levels and not so easy to ‘turn around’ in a way, into a wholesome approach. Meaning, I did let sex define the relationship I would enter, although ‘I knew better’. I had to walk it through to the point of creating (many long and short-term) relationships with several consequences, up to where I am now, with / within myself, taking the time to clarify for myself how to redefine a partner-ship into something I will be satisfied with to walk and that underlines my potential, the potential of a partner and so the potential of life as a whole.

Her clear and integer description supports me to implement this first and foremost within myself; to give sex and sexuality the place where it belongs and not making it more important then what is is / should be. She also describes how “this world would perfectly function without sex”.

What I mean with ‘turning it around’ is that I tend to start with sex / physical intimacy and from there, try to develop the trust, intimacy, communication, freedom etc. Which is almost impossible as the starting-point is not aligned but compromised; there is a fear behind it of for example ‘not having sex / not aligning in sex’ and so starting with this to make sure this is in place and / or at least experienced – in a way and also a fear of ‘not being able to firstly align in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so disconnect ‘having sex’ and ‘supportive relationships’ (as how I am able to develop these qualities in friendships) and within this disconnection, trying to ‘have both’ but actually separated and in the end I still find myself trying to bring the (sexual) relationship towards an alignment in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc. I have tried this many times and all the many times, did not succeed in bringing it into a satisfying partnership. So I now can conclude that my approach is not effective, that I miss something in the relationship with myself and that I need to go back to the drawing-board of my own mind-being-body relationship and finding a way of implementing sex as a “physical expression of everything that I develop in a relationship” as partnership, other than friendship.

Many of the interviews in this serie are coming back on this one point (“how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship”) and so listening to (the repeating of this in) the serie is a start of a ‘reprogramming’ of myself within this.

So far for this blog – to be followed up with self-forgiveness.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 802 – Depression and responsibility

I started this blog two days ago with writing self-forgiveness on what I received as comments on a picture of my face. I found it very supportive to open up with and enter the levels that were visible in my facial expression / resonance. From here on (the blog) I had two ‘heavy’ days and did come in an experience of depression. It was quite heavy, yet at the same time I did see it as a layer that I presented to myself as if it was time to open it up, to find the source of it. Meaning, the depression did not ‘scare’ me as if I would get lost in it; I kept my self-awareness within it.

What I also started to see is that if and when I have all the basic information about how the mind is build up and operates, about systems, self-awareness, self-honesty and tools of how to work with it all (writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and living words) and the breathing to help myself through moments of panic; then I should be able to support myself through and find the ‘flaw’ within me, as it exists most of times as a conflictual situation / experience between a program / system / self-belief and my self-honesty as ‘who I am / want to be’ as what is best for myself (and so for others and/as life as a whole). This does not mean it was an easy two days; it was not. I found a lot of insecurity that I have created within myself and that are based on a few thoughts, existing as self-beliefs.

During the two days I did continue with my daily tasks and kept on communicating; on my way to work in the morning of the second day, I could already write down some realizations. After two days in the evening, I found a striking behaviour-pattern of / within myself. I realized, well better said, I directly saw how I deliberately bring myself in a situation that is not best for myself; where I already have received flag-points to investigate (inside and/or outside myself) before entering the situation (in my case relationships) but stepping deeper into it within the purpose to be so deep into it ‘that I cannot step out of it anymore’ and so ‘I need to stay in it and deal with it / make the best of it’ without the need to leave.

Before I had already noticed this pattern but I translated it in a way as if this was my way of forcing myself to take responsibility for myself in certain situations; as if I otherwise would not do this. What I did see now directly, is that my starting-point of doing this (entering the situation despite there being and seeing flag-points all over within myself and / or outside that I firstly need to investigate and bring into alignment) is to avoid responsibility as that “I am already in it, I cannot let it go anymore” and so trying to take responsibility within a situation that is compromised and so walking around the one real deep starting-point that I need to take responsibility for in / as myself (that the red-flags already are showing). When I did see, realize and understand this within myself, the depression did go away or actually, disappeared simultaneously.

This brought me back to my experience of depression 20 years ago, when I did enter a situation in a way that I should not have entered (with the consequence that I made a decision for an abortion) and even years before back, where I did experience a deep, clinical depression for some moments (a few times from about 30 minutes) after taking a piece of extasy – also in a situation where I actually should not have been part of but in the last moment when another appointment was canceled I decided to join.

This brings me to be and become aware of how and where I bring myself in situations that are not best for myself, that I should better avoid and move on with or towards something more suitable but where I deliberately and continuesly as a pattern, go ‘to the edge’ and actually ‘over the edge’ in a compromising way. What I actually allow myself here is to ‘experience’ something, to get my bliss in a way before I stop. Here to remind myself that if I compromise myself, this will also be compromising for others involved and life as a whole, in some way (that I even not may see directly) and that I also need to be aware that with ‘going after this bliss’, the bliss may ‘get me / the best of me’ if I continue like this.

Here under the start of the blog 2 days ago as an example of how the blog-writing and just starting with self-forgiveness, is supportive to open up some deep dimensions within myself.

2 days ago:

I found some comments on my picture in a facebook-group of Desteni Universe where many placed a picture and one could describe what one is seeing within the face of each other. I was hesitating to describe what I see in other faces but enjoyed all the plain and straight pictures. I find the comments on my picture striking and so I use them here to apply self-forgiveness on. The picture was made in the morning on my way to work and close after some words of ‘goodbye’ in the day and week before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the sadness in my eyes; the sadness of a goodbye that I would have liked to see different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than everyone else who is ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like self-intimacy is not enough and at the same time feeling like I will never get there, I will never be able to bring myself towards and within a satisfying, intimate interaction with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad with the need to start all over again, like if every effort before did not make any sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of all the effort that I put in that ‘lead to nowwhere’ – hmmm interesting slip of the finger: ‘nowwhere’ instead of nowhere.

Here I found a picture with the words ‘being in the Now’ where I could look through the words and where I did see how trying to be in the now, does actually contain a ‘fear of missing out’ behind it. Here to correct this in the more grounded statement as ‘Being Here’ as this is embracing everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in this one point which I know is my struggle-point because I have never learned or had an example to build an effective relationship from a starting-point of self-intimacy, however because I see the possibility for so long while living in reality my lesser version, it feels like ‘I will never get there’ which I actually created as experience through walking relationships from a compromised starting-point, in and as fear (of never getting there / not going to make it / missing my chance) and so, I am walking in circles, in a loop, creating over and over this fear-experience within and as me, in and as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this loop as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say ‘goodbye’ and to keep things ‘open’ for the future, although I do not see any possibility to continue, considering the facts and reality of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep things open for the future’ and so limiting myself in moving forwards in current time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in this point, my current location-point with regards to relationships, to show face and where I am within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can not have any disappointment anymore and with any new disappointment, feeling like my motivation for anything is dropping down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in situations where I easily get disappointed until I cannot have it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so deeply disappointed from all the moments that a required self-honesty within a relationship is not coming forward where in my own self-honesty, the best option is to leave, however still feeling like there was another option as ‘living my best’, but I have missed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to stay as long as possible and within this not placing my self-honesty and self-intimacy at first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the seeing of living my best potential to ‘if I would have done that, we would have been together’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these things are not automatically connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up ‘ment to be’ and ‘supposed to be’ and actually not being aware of what ‘supposed to be’ looks like, feels like, sounds like, manifests like and so holding on to ‘what is ment to be’ as the only ‘replacing’ experience that seems to come close, however which must be my pre-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have walked such a difficult point and to find it ridiculous that this is the point I struggle with the most and within this, not taking myself serious enough in it, as walking through and moving beyond a pre-programming is the most difficult thing that I (as we all) have ever done, no matter where this point is related to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself as if I should have known better and should have done better and so superiorizing myself as well in this point, thinking and believing that I already could have done better when I show myself in reality that I first need to walk through to see, embrace, understand and forgive the lesser version of myself and getting my hands dirty so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to some day feel ready to let go, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that time will take off the sharpness so to speak but I need to let go actively and by decision, otherwise I will never let go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I fear to ‘let go’ because of the ‘letting go’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really fear is the ‘not knowing’ that comes after it with all the ‘what if’s’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not (yet) willing to put in the effort for what is behind it and needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in ‘the concept of love’ (that many name as ‘trusting the universum or god’) instead of letting go the concept of love and stepping into the depth of trusting myself in and as life.

Second morning:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself to my own strength, as if it is a curse, thinking and believing that no one will stand with me in this (as a partner) and so I will be (left) alone and/or never find someone.

This brought me to the words that Bernard speak to me several times when I was on the farm in South-Africa 7 years ago: “you are a strong woman, you have to (need to?) accept that’.

I realized that it is about accepting myself in this as ‘this is who I am’- this will make me secure, more certain. He literally said it in words but it takes me all this time to really understand the words. This ‘accepting’ is essential / crucial in this, otherwise it will be a ‘trying to hide my insecurity’ and so I polarize the insecurity and uncertainty into an arrogance. Which is what I did/do not want and so, I could/can not enter these words within me.

What I now see is that this may be conflictual with ‘the concept / system of love’ – as the one that I ‘feel love for and feel loved back by’ may not be the one that is potential suitable. With other words, ‘the one ment to be‘ with may be different / another than that I am supposed to be with.

So in order for myself to accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ I need to walk through the concept / system of love (as how it exists in this world) with many illusions and flaws connected and integrated within. And as long as I keep holding on to the veil of love, I will not accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ as my utmost potential. Simply because these two points are conflictual and cannot exist at the same time. Here I do not mean that ‘love as equality’ cannot exist at the same time with ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’, but not as a pre-programmed design of ‘love’, based on experiences and polarizations and not as long as the words ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’ is polarized within / as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace, accept myself as a strong woman in order to avoid responsibility, within and as myself as a whole.

‘Strong’ to be redefined in time to come.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 801 – From victimization to living decisions

I did come to a realization the other day that I now go and test for myself through time. Interesting enough since I am behind my computer, first a strong resistance did come up to the writing of this blog and after this resistance decreasing, it is as if the words are away of how clear it did become visible within myself a few hours before. So I am on the right spot so to speak.

Anyway. It’s not ‘new’ – everything is already here – but it’s about coming to the realization in and as myself, so ‘seeing it’ in a way within myself and it is about decisions. I remember Bernard mentioned several times like ‘it’s a decision’ (as for example he said ‘I decided to like you all’). This I found very supportive, to see and realize it ‘as an action’ in a way. What I did realize for myself last day is that, it has to become a decision.

What I mean by this, is that as long as I see challenges as moving myself towards something that I ‘actually do not want / prefer’ but what did come forward ‘as best’- within this I still place myself in some kind of victimization towards the challenge as ‘what is best’. Meaning, I do it, I move myself, but not really standing in and as it, in and as ‘self-will’.

What I did see, is that I need to make it a decision within and as me, like ‘giving up’ on something that is no longer best for myself (and / as others) as a whole (as life) – instead of giving up on myself and keep holding on to what I prefer / desire / want – then when and as I am ready to move myself to make this decision in a specific area, I ‘own it’ in a way and I am from here on empowering myself within / as this decision, instead of victimizing myself by and through what ‘needs to be done’.

This is actually in line with ‘it’s a decision’ as this describes it as well in a different way. It all comes down to decisions, small one’s, big one’s, of who I am in a certain moment and what I bring forward / express / live and create within this.

I am not yet kristal clear on it but found it worth writing down already as a general approach from ‘victimization‘ to ‘living decisions’. When and as I find myself clear and certain on the specifics, I will be able to write about it in more context and so making it more clear. Because what I also see within this is that there is a process prior to the living of a decision where in I walk through (as forgiving myself as a self-understanding of) all that I did connect as preferences, needs, desires, fears, wants, etc; related to the specific area, that I eventually am going to live a decision in.

To be continued.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive