Dag 808 – Zero point

Back to writing! It is a month ago since my last blog which is not as long as it seems. I really start missing this moment with myself in the writing of a blog and sharing it with you who is reading. I find it different and more effective in the sense of grounding the self-commitment, than the introspection writings throughout the day on paper. As in ‘two or more in my name’; there is a witness to the life-commitment. Within the blog-writing I am satisfied with and as myself to express myself in what I stand for and as. This all because of me being part of a group of ‘journey to life – walkers’ 🙂 (which we actually are all as humanity) however here specificly with the application of the writing-tools find in Desteni I Process Lite as a free online-course. For all who are considering and / or hesitating to start a blog as a 7 years journey to life after doing this course; I can really recommend to start the writing.

I will continue on the subject of disappointment as I am not yet finished with this emotion. I find it very deep ingrained within me on many levels but all related to a particular area.

When looking back at my path with regards to relationships, the overall experience is….such a disappointment. Not about who I have met and walked with, but more in relation to the results, the endings, the non-continuation and so many start-overs.

I feel like I am at zero point within it all. Like nothing did make any sense of what I have walked in it, as it all lead to a death end, while I so much did my best to make it work. I know by consciousness that it is not about ‘a relationship with another’ mainly but more about the relationship with myself. Did this improve? Yes the relationship with myself did improve for sure.

Then what makes this experience of disappointment so deeply ingrained; what makes me feel such a failure in this area? I mean I can describe it more beautiful and see the lessons in it etc etc, however how I mainly experience myself in it all is not so beautiful. And this does not make it easier to open myself up for a potential new relationship / agreement and put myself out there. It feels like this sorrow and disappointment is all over my face and visible within my eyes; like a droopy. It feels like I have walked this same route a trillion times and perhaps it is a preprogramming existing throughout all my lives.

However, I am here in this one life, having the basics within myself and my life (housing, income, health, education) in a stable place and having the luck to be in a position to accomplish this. So, I everytime come back to the point that I will will myself to at least give it my all to become more satisfied with myself in this area and who knows, creating a satisfying sharing-ship (I just made up this word) that suits myself and another and so that is best for ourselves as life as a whole.

I notice that I am not living my best potential and that I actually have missed, again and again, my best potential in this one point. So I more see this area as a motivation to push myself beyond the mind. Making the strength out of a weakness where in this area I almost every day doubt if I will ever be able to make something more of myself. I more and more see how challenging it is to move myself beyond the mind-programming and how convenient and ‘natural’ it feels to stay within the comfort of what I already know.

I have had several times a ‘meeting’ with the bees (yes the insects) that stands out to me. First time was a few weeks ago when a swarm bees were flying above my garden. It gave a loud buzzing and they keep hanging around for quite some time. I just had read before an article that some swarms were being let out or something like that – I am not even sure if it was in my living-area – and to just let them be(e) as they were replacing themselves. A little while later I shared this with a befriended couple and we looked up the information about ‘meaning of meeting bees’ in your life. The thing that was clearly mentioned is the work effort they put in every day. On my way home after this meeting again…the swarm was passing over above my head. Very remarkable as it was days or even weeks later after the first time having the swarm above my garden. I looked it up again at home in another book – same thing mainly came forward, as putting in the work and effort.

Today in the garden I sat next to flowers with bees busy close to me and even sat on my legs now and then. Now within this all – what also did go through me is thoughts like ‘oh my, what if they come down in the garden and the cats are still out there (first time with the swarm above the garden) or today thoughts like ‘hmmm will it stick me when sitting on my leg’? But mainly I enjoyed them being around. And here, while taking a break of this blog with a coffee in the garden, again surrounded by these bees, what again comes to my awareness is to look at and integrate the work and effort. Like a bee being diligent.

I had reflected on this ‘work and effort’ earlier this week and actually came to see that I did Not really put in the work and effort to really Create a sharing-ship with a male-partner (I do bring in myself more in friendships with females and also males; that is why I mention it specific as male-partner here). It somehow looks like I do a lot for it but when looking back, I every time step in from a point of convenience and from there trying to bring in what I find important, which then mainly fails on long term. I am not yet making this last step, this push of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’. And within this I create an experience of disappointment and difficulty.

When really looking at this point of work and effort, it is not difficult persé but more a constant and continues effort of self-expression that may feel unnatural. And I see this on many levels and area’s, that achieving something is not difficult persé, but more a matter of who is bringing in the time and effort to create that something that is seen as a possibility as best for life as a whole.

So yes, here I have failed to do this and this level of ‘failing’ (Dutch and English blog) is hidden inside myself; where it looks from a mind-perspective that I ‘tried everything’. I find it a very much veiled dimension of why things may ‘fail’ to take shape and sustain. The mind makes it look like ‘everything has been done already’ when actually nothing is accomplished in and as a sustainable and effective matter. Welcome to how the world is build up and exist today.

No surprise then that the bees are ‘threatened in their existence’. As the bees Do bring in this effort and they Do matter, however we as the human race tend to destroy it all from a starting-point of the mind, of superiority, of making money more important than Life.

Here the word Humbleness does make sense a lot. As something that we need to integrate as humans in and as ourselves and so in and as our way of living.

Back to myself – I can use the word humbleness to support myself to start from scratch in this zero-point. I need to admit that I have not yet developped the best approach with regards to finding and creating a sharing-ship with a male partner. What I find striking as well in Leila’s blog, how she describes how walking a change, does contain admitting that I had not yet done and walked what is best in this area and this may exist as a reason / resistance and standing in the way, of actually changing for real:

(…) ‘Don’t change, because if you change, you’re actually acknowledging that something’s wrong with you, that you’re less than, that you’re…bad!’ (…)

Let’s go to the application of self-forgiveness to open up and make room for the practical application of change; as a start of this change within and without.

Self-forgiveness being walked in the next blog.

The Consciousness of the Bees


Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive
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Dag 803 – Redefining relationships with the support of interviews

I have been listening to the Sexual & Gender Identities Series on Eqafe. I choose this serie out of interest in the deeper dimensions behind it. Not because I have questions or doubt about my own gender or sexual identity; I am and have been clear of being attracted to male’s for intimate / sexual relationships and whenever I check this within myself, this stays the same. I did in my late teenage years have two sort of interactions with kissing a girl; one with a friend and one on a home-party where ‘everyone was kissing everyone’ more or less. With the friend, I did it more because she initiated this and I was ‘observing’ how it was different from kissing with a boy; for the rest nothing moved within me in a form of attraction or excitement. Then I remember one time seeing a girl / woman in a sport-club who was a more’masculine’ and her I found ‘attractive’ and I was a bit surprised about this. And this was basicly it. Sometimes it would seem easier to me lol, to have a relationship with a female as I find the communication with females many times easier / more comfortable. Here noticing that I would totally miss my challenge and potential if I would follow up on this from a starting-point of avoiding the challenge to align with a male and so not being self-honest / genuine in this point.

However I find it supportive to understand some more on how sexual identities exist and develop in different forms and with different dimensions behind it, to understand more about every one who is having a ‘different sexual / gender’ identity than the ‘normal’ male-female form.

While listening to the serie, I find many supportive information in it on relationships and sexuality in general and especially a serie of five, done by one being through the portal, is giving me clear definitions about forming a ‘healthy relationship’ in general; may it be with males or females. And this is something that I am struggling with in my life as here it seems my toughest programming is existing. So first and foremost, this serie is very supportive for everyone to listen and not only for those who are having questions about their sexual or gender identity.

The interviews are done by a being who describes herself as bi-sexual, how she was very genuine in this with regards to her sexual and gender identity and how she was lucky to develop an extra-ordinary relationship through her life that was of benefit for each to live their potential. For details I of course recommend to listen to the interviews 😉 starting here: Being Bi-Sexual and Gender Identities.

What I find most supportive is how in one of the interviews, she describes “how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship” instead of “how sex become what defines a relationship”. She describes this in a beautiful and simple way.

In theory, this is quite easy to comprehend. However what I have found is that the ‘default’ programming is existing on deep levels and not so easy to ‘turn around’ in a way, into a wholesome approach. Meaning, I did let sex define the relationship I would enter, although ‘I knew better’. I had to walk it through to the point of creating (many long and short-term) relationships with several consequences, up to where I am now, with / within myself, taking the time to clarify for myself how to redefine a partner-ship into something I will be satisfied with to walk and that underlines my potential, the potential of a partner and so the potential of life as a whole.

Her clear and integer description supports me to implement this first and foremost within myself; to give sex and sexuality the place where it belongs and not making it more important then what is is / should be. She also describes how “this world would perfectly function without sex”.

What I mean with ‘turning it around’ is that I tend to start with sex / physical intimacy and from there, try to develop the trust, intimacy, communication, freedom etc. Which is almost impossible as the starting-point is not aligned but compromised; there is a fear behind it of for example ‘not having sex / not aligning in sex’ and so starting with this to make sure this is in place and / or at least experienced – in a way and also a fear of ‘not being able to firstly align in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so disconnect ‘having sex’ and ‘supportive relationships’ (as how I am able to develop these qualities in friendships) and within this disconnection, trying to ‘have both’ but actually separated and in the end I still find myself trying to bring the (sexual) relationship towards an alignment in mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc. I have tried this many times and all the many times, did not succeed in bringing it into a satisfying partnership. So I now can conclude that my approach is not effective, that I miss something in the relationship with myself and that I need to go back to the drawing-board of my own mind-being-body relationship and finding a way of implementing sex as a “physical expression of everything that I develop in a relationship” as partnership, other than friendship.

Many of the interviews in this serie are coming back on this one point (“how physical intimacy / sex becomes a physical expression of everything that you develop within a relationship such as trust communication, intimacy, freedom etc.” and so “it simply being a part of the whole of a relationship”) and so listening to (the repeating of this in) the serie is a start of a ‘reprogramming’ of myself within this.

So far for this blog – to be followed up with self-forgiveness.


Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 802 – Depression and responsibility

I started this blog two days ago with writing self-forgiveness on what I received as comments on a picture of my face. I found it very supportive to open up with and enter the levels that were visible in my facial expression / resonance. From here on (the blog) I had two ‘heavy’ days and did come in an experience of depression. It was quite heavy, yet at the same time I did see it as a layer that I presented to myself as if it was time to open it up, to find the source of it. Meaning, the depression did not ‘scare’ me as if I would get lost in it; I kept my self-awareness within it.

What I also started to see is that if and when I have all the basic information about how the mind is build up and operates, about systems, self-awareness, self-honesty and tools of how to work with it all (writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and living words) and the breathing to help myself through moments of panic; then I should be able to support myself through and find the ‘flaw’ within me, as it exists most of times as a conflictual situation / experience between a program / system / self-belief and my self-honesty as ‘who I am / want to be’ as what is best for myself (and so for others and/as life as a whole). This does not mean it was an easy two days; it was not. I found a lot of insecurity that I have created within myself and that are based on a few thoughts, existing as self-beliefs.

During the two days I did continue with my daily tasks and kept on communicating; on my way to work in the morning of the second day, I could already write down some realizations. After two days in the evening, I found a striking behaviour-pattern of / within myself. I realized, well better said, I directly saw how I deliberately bring myself in a situation that is not best for myself; where I already have received flag-points to investigate (inside and/or outside myself) before entering the situation (in my case relationships) but stepping deeper into it within the purpose to be so deep into it ‘that I cannot step out of it anymore’ and so ‘I need to stay in it and deal with it / make the best of it’ without the need to leave.

Before I had already noticed this pattern but I translated it in a way as if this was my way of forcing myself to take responsibility for myself in certain situations; as if I otherwise would not do this. What I did see now directly, is that my starting-point of doing this (entering the situation despite there being and seeing flag-points all over within myself and / or outside that I firstly need to investigate and bring into alignment) is to avoid responsibility as that “I am already in it, I cannot let it go anymore” and so trying to take responsibility within a situation that is compromised and so walking around the one real deep starting-point that I need to take responsibility for in / as myself (that the red-flags already are showing). When I did see, realize and understand this within myself, the depression did go away or actually, disappeared simultaneously.

This brought me back to my experience of depression 20 years ago, when I did enter a situation in a way that I should not have entered (with the consequence that I made a decision for an abortion) and even years before back, where I did experience a deep, clinical depression for some moments (a few times from about 30 minutes) after taking a piece of extasy – also in a situation where I actually should not have been part of but in the last moment when another appointment was canceled I decided to join.

This brings me to be and become aware of how and where I bring myself in situations that are not best for myself, that I should better avoid and move on with or towards something more suitable but where I deliberately and continuesly as a pattern, go ‘to the edge’ and actually ‘over the edge’ in a compromising way. What I actually allow myself here is to ‘experience’ something, to get my bliss in a way before I stop. Here to remind myself that if I compromise myself, this will also be compromising for others involved and life as a whole, in some way (that I even not may see directly) and that I also need to be aware that with ‘going after this bliss’, the bliss may ‘get me / the best of me’ if I continue like this.

Here under the start of the blog 2 days ago as an example of how the blog-writing and just starting with self-forgiveness, is supportive to open up some deep dimensions within myself.

2 days ago:

I found some comments on my picture in a facebook-group of Desteni Universe where many placed a picture and one could describe what one is seeing within the face of each other. I was hesitating to describe what I see in other faces but enjoyed all the plain and straight pictures. I find the comments on my picture striking and so I use them here to apply self-forgiveness on. The picture was made in the morning on my way to work and close after some words of ‘goodbye’ in the day and week before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the sadness in my eyes; the sadness of a goodbye that I would have liked to see different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than everyone else who is ready for intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like self-intimacy is not enough and at the same time feeling like I will never get there, I will never be able to bring myself towards and within a satisfying, intimate interaction with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so sad with the need to start all over again, like if every effort before did not make any sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of all the effort that I put in that ‘lead to nowwhere’ – hmmm interesting slip of the finger: ‘nowwhere’ instead of nowhere.

Here I found a picture with the words ‘being in the Now’ where I could look through the words and where I did see how trying to be in the now, does actually contain a ‘fear of missing out’ behind it. Here to correct this in the more grounded statement as ‘Being Here’ as this is embracing everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in this one point which I know is my struggle-point because I have never learned or had an example to build an effective relationship from a starting-point of self-intimacy, however because I see the possibility for so long while living in reality my lesser version, it feels like ‘I will never get there’ which I actually created as experience through walking relationships from a compromised starting-point, in and as fear (of never getting there / not going to make it / missing my chance) and so, I am walking in circles, in a loop, creating over and over this fear-experience within and as me, in and as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this loop as ‘my life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to say ‘goodbye’ and to keep things ‘open’ for the future, although I do not see any possibility to continue, considering the facts and reality of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep things open for the future’ and so limiting myself in moving forwards in current time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in this point, my current location-point with regards to relationships, to show face and where I am within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I can not have any disappointment anymore and with any new disappointment, feeling like my motivation for anything is dropping down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in situations where I easily get disappointed until I cannot have it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so deeply disappointed from all the moments that a required self-honesty within a relationship is not coming forward where in my own self-honesty, the best option is to leave, however still feeling like there was another option as ‘living my best’, but I have missed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to stay as long as possible and within this not placing my self-honesty and self-intimacy at first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the seeing of living my best potential to ‘if I would have done that, we would have been together’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these things are not automatically connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up ‘ment to be’ and ‘supposed to be’ and actually not being aware of what ‘supposed to be’ looks like, feels like, sounds like, manifests like and so holding on to ‘what is ment to be’ as the only ‘replacing’ experience that seems to come close, however which must be my pre-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never have walked such a difficult point and to find it ridiculous that this is the point I struggle with the most and within this, not taking myself serious enough in it, as walking through and moving beyond a pre-programming is the most difficult thing that I (as we all) have ever done, no matter where this point is related to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself as if I should have known better and should have done better and so superiorizing myself as well in this point, thinking and believing that I already could have done better when I show myself in reality that I first need to walk through to see, embrace, understand and forgive the lesser version of myself and getting my hands dirty so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to some day feel ready to let go, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that time will take off the sharpness so to speak but I need to let go actively and by decision, otherwise I will never let go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I fear to ‘let go’ because of the ‘letting go’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really fear is the ‘not knowing’ that comes after it with all the ‘what if’s’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not (yet) willing to put in the effort for what is behind it and needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in ‘the concept of love’ (that many name as ‘trusting the universum or god’) instead of letting go the concept of love and stepping into the depth of trusting myself in and as life.

Second morning:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself to my own strength, as if it is a curse, thinking and believing that no one will stand with me in this (as a partner) and so I will be (left) alone and/or never find someone.

This brought me to the words that Bernard speak to me several times when I was on the farm in South-Africa 7 years ago: “you are a strong woman, you have to (need to?) accept that’.

I realized that it is about accepting myself in this as ‘this is who I am’- this will make me secure, more certain. He literally said it in words but it takes me all this time to really understand the words. This ‘accepting’ is essential / crucial in this, otherwise it will be a ‘trying to hide my insecurity’ and so I polarize the insecurity and uncertainty into an arrogance. Which is what I did/do not want and so, I could/can not enter these words within me.

What I now see is that this may be conflictual with ‘the concept / system of love’ – as the one that I ‘feel love for and feel loved back by’ may not be the one that is potential suitable. With other words, ‘the one ment to be‘ with may be different / another than that I am supposed to be with.

So in order for myself to accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ I need to walk through the concept / system of love (as how it exists in this world) with many illusions and flaws connected and integrated within. And as long as I keep holding on to the veil of love, I will not accept myself ‘as a strong woman’ as my utmost potential. Simply because these two points are conflictual and cannot exist at the same time. Here I do not mean that ‘love as equality’ cannot exist at the same time with ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’, but not as a pre-programmed design of ‘love’, based on experiences and polarizations and not as long as the words ‘accepting myself as a strong woman’ is polarized within / as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace, accept myself as a strong woman in order to avoid responsibility, within and as myself as a whole.

‘Strong’ to be redefined in time to come.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 801 – From victimization to living decisions

I did come to a realization the other day that I now go and test for myself through time. Interesting enough since I am behind my computer, first a strong resistance did come up to the writing of this blog and after this resistance decreasing, it is as if the words are away of how clear it did become visible within myself a few hours before. So I am on the right spot so to speak.

Anyway. It’s not ‘new’ – everything is already here – but it’s about coming to the realization in and as myself, so ‘seeing it’ in a way within myself and it is about decisions. I remember Bernard mentioned several times like ‘it’s a decision’ (as for example he said ‘I decided to like you all’). This I found very supportive, to see and realize it ‘as an action’ in a way. What I did realize for myself last day is that, it has to become a decision.

What I mean by this, is that as long as I see challenges as moving myself towards something that I ‘actually do not want / prefer’ but what did come forward ‘as best’- within this I still place myself in some kind of victimization towards the challenge as ‘what is best’. Meaning, I do it, I move myself, but not really standing in and as it, in and as ‘self-will’.

What I did see, is that I need to make it a decision within and as me, like ‘giving up’ on something that is no longer best for myself (and / as others) as a whole (as life) – instead of giving up on myself and keep holding on to what I prefer / desire / want – then when and as I am ready to move myself to make this decision in a specific area, I ‘own it’ in a way and I am from here on empowering myself within / as this decision, instead of victimizing myself by and through what ‘needs to be done’.

This is actually in line with ‘it’s a decision’ as this describes it as well in a different way. It all comes down to decisions, small one’s, big one’s, of who I am in a certain moment and what I bring forward / express / live and create within this.

I am not yet kristal clear on it but found it worth writing down already as a general approach from ‘victimization‘ to ‘living decisions’. When and as I find myself clear and certain on the specifics, I will be able to write about it in more context and so making it more clear. Because what I also see within this is that there is a process prior to the living of a decision where in I walk through (as forgiving myself as a self-understanding of) all that I did connect as preferences, needs, desires, fears, wants, etc; related to the specific area, that I eventually am going to live a decision in.

To be continued.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 800 – The relationship with me

I was discussing the relationship with me / myself and describing that I do not really recognize a sense of self as my beingness. As if it is veiled, vague, hidden but at the same time ‘knowing that it is there’ (which seems as a mind-description with the words ‘knowing’ and ‘there’). It is as if I very well know or even be aware that ‘I am here’ but somehow not recognizing myself as such. In which I see an abdication of responsibility.

My buddy from the Desteni I Process gave as an example ‘that part of me that never ages’- that I do recognize within myself as being present.

During the days after, I did see another point of recognition, where I from a young age see opportunities of how things may work out, as for example changing my room and seeing a possibility in a certain set-up, although another does not recognize this as ‘possible’ and from here I start trying / creating this and yes, it often works out. I did get the space to develop this while growing up and here I see how this space to explore is supportive to integrate this sense of self.

Then, I do see a self-judgement, so a judgement on myself, which is my beingness, and this projected (hidden within me) on others when they step forward within the strength of their beingness. This correlates with being mentioned that we often ‘fear’ our own beingness where the ‘self-fear’ and the ‘self-judgement’ are actually the same. As if ‘I do not have the right to fully be here’ but only in one dimension (that is understood by the mind), which makes me tip-toeing around.

Opening up with self-forgiveness on what is veiling this relationship with and as myself:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tiptoe around within an idea that I do not have the right to be fully here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others within myself who are ‘too much’ present in my eyes, as if they draw all the attention towards them and nothing is left for me / those that are not so much on the foreground, waiting to be ‘invited’ in a way to step forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some kind of ‘silent way’ to draw attention to myself and to put my physical appearance and expression in the forefront without using words to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have defined myself in words, as if I have lived decades, ages, many lives, in silence, not having the words to express myself and only being here by physical appearance, wordless, speechless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kind of being scared from my own voice filling a space, as if it is too load and not appropriate to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is not appropriate to use my voice without anyone asking or inviting me to do so and still then, I am hesitating to really express myself and some kind of rush myself through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself through to express myself, thinking and believing that others will be bored by what I have to say or that they ‘already know it’ and then me only repeating that what everybody already know, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that because I do not step forward and voice myself in what I see, I often hear only that what I already know and me not participating or adding anything which then goes into backchat and projected judgements on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak about something that others do not yet know and fearing to be really listened to and then not being able to clearly express myself and from here, my time is over, my chance has passed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that an energetic experience of love means there is self-judgement as fear existing within and as me / self and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the need as an energetic dependency to ‘being loved’ means there is self-judgement as fear existing within me / self as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the experience of love or ‘to be loved’ is filling a lack within me, within the relationship with myself, like filling a space that I have created in separation from and as myself, channeling myself, my self-expression in and as my mind and from here, looking for confirmation from another in and as my mind, to love or to be loved, when all the while it is me looking for myself, my own beingness that I have channeled in my mind, as the worst part of me and then reacting to this part of me as myself, so reacting to myself and pushing myself away more and more and projecting a part of myself onto another and then starting to ‘love’ (this part of) another that is actually a projection of (the worst part of) myself and then ‘loosing myself in another’ in and as my own mind, so loosing myself in my own mind-projections, separating ‘me’ more and more from my own beingness here as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to ‘love’ – as the opposite projection of fear – the worst part of myself, projected on another through my own mind, missing myself, this ‘worst’ part of me – and within and as this projection, avoiding to really see myself and that what I fear about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to let go the one that I think and believe I love and that I think and believe that ‘loves me’ and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to let go the worst of me in and as a projection on another, thinking and believing that I then loose the other when all the while, I project that what I have already done into my ‘thinking and believing’ as that I already lost myself in my own projection of the worst part of me onto another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse another in and as my experience of love and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be used and abused by another in and as my dependency on an experience of ‘to be loved’, as a confirmation of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be loved as a confirmation of my existence and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be used and abused by another projecting his or her worst part on me and so I need to ‘stay in place’ so to speak because when I do not stay into this projection, I remove the veil in a way and so another is looking at his or her own worst self and when and as this can not be received within self-honesty, the hell will break loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the hell breaking loose on me and so, I tiptoe around within my own acceptance and allowance of the experience to be loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow another to ‘love me’ in an energetic way because I get something out of it that I desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel a natural, physical expression into a desire in and as my mind, thinking and believing that I only can receive this when and as I accept and allow ‘to be loved’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed myself with the experience of love and / or ‘to be loved’ which is actually an energy addiction to fear as love, love as fear, to keep adrenaline going in and as my physical body – which I now write – this last self-forgiveness – from a point of knowledge and information but not yet really seeing, realizing and understanding in and as myself (the interview under ‘energy addiction’ expands on it).

To be continued.


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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 796 – The effect of writing

Art by Andrew Gable

I have written a blog in Dag 794 – A moment of change where in I found out the following:

” So this means in this example, that what I am used to do and look at within myself is the following way: “Can I have a drink now and then at home alone, although I see that this is not best for myself eventually and so I ‘know’ in a way that somehow/somewhere I need to (and will) stop this/step out of this again? And then I ‘check’ within myself if I see myself able to stop/step out of it in the the future”. If the answer is “yes, I can stop/step out of this in the future when and as needed”, then I decide many times to still ‘do it’ and actually ‘go get my bliss’. Until ‘I am done’ with it or until I cannot have it anymore, and then I stop. And then I need to walk through the build up layers again of emotional/feeling release. So I am actually used to walk through points the long way and more or less even believed that I ‘have to do it like this’ in many occasions.”

In this blog I took an example of drinking a glass of wine at home; however I have seen myself doing this in different situations where an ‘energy-addiction’ is involved – meaning where I want to experience something before I am willing / able to stop it. This is so I see now, actually a form of self-manipulation and when others are involved – as for example within starting a relationship before being totally clear on the possibilities of it – then it automatically includes a manipulation towards another as well, although my intention is not to ‘manipulate’. But my starting-point contains this – maybe subtle – energetic self-manipulation and so, my starting-point will determine the outcome and so manipulation will take place in some form. And what I accept and allow within myself, I will accept and allow in another as well and so the reflection of this inner self-manipulation will show itself in the situation and / or within another and often in a larger degree, so that I will not miss it.

After writing the blog, I noticed that I now have seen this point, this tendency to firstly ‘follow the energy before stopping and pushing myself to the edge before I stop’ and so actually….I am not able to accept and allow myself to do this anymore. So now, when I do see a situation where in I am not 100% clear or sure, I am not able to accept and allow myself to ignore the ‘nagging presence’ in the background and move on with it anyway, in some way ‘hoping’ that it will solve itself miraculously, because I now have seen, realized and understand that it will not solve itself miraculously but the outcome / consequence will show exactly that what I have ignored at first in my starting-point.

This is an example of how the writing out of one practical example – if and when done from a starting-point of self-honesty and self-direction – will very much support with this one general point / tendency in many occasions in my life. This also shows how resistance or even rejection can be experienced with regards to the writing, because I ‘know’ on some level that the writing will be effective and reveal some ‘energy-addictions’ that I accept and allow to distract or actually, manipulate myself with and behind this I find a ‘fear of loss’ of this energy and the experience that it is giving. This experience of ‘fear of loss’ is showing itself as very real, because I made it real, by living it at first, by ‘building a life’ on ‘this belief’ so to speak and so the effect may give an experience of ‘collapsing’ and ‘walking through hell’, as in letting go of the illusions that I was holding on to. Illusions meaning, thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, hopes, dreams and what more, that all seem very ‘real’ in the mind but that is not grounded in a realistic, physical foundation.

So with the writing, I am able to quantify my process and walk it ‘faster’ in a way. I mean, I will walk through all the illusions anyway, also by first following my mind and then needing to let it go again, which is ‘the hard way’ as the letting go can be quite horrible to walk through. With the writing, I do have a tool to support myself, to start preventing myself from following the energy, from following that what is actually not best for myself in self-honesty and so, not best for all in self-honesty. Also here, there is a moment of letting go – as how I described in the blog as well – but it almost directly includes a moment of change, because I did not build up so much layers around it, I did not attach myself in all these layers (that I need to walk back and detach myself from and this ‘hurts’ emotionally) and so the way is much shorter and much more stable.

This is actually what we have done through our whole lives – building layer after layer, following the energy and ‘building a life’ on false beliefs in a way, despite our intentions being ‘good’ in it. One can imagine that walking back does take time, dedication and persistence, as these layers are integrated in our life and our physical bodies. We have become it in a way and we believe that ‘this is who I am’. And, we all did this, we have build relationships on this and so we actually have build a world (through relationships) on this foundation from and within a manipulative starting-point (energy). And this is very much visible in the world and how we exist today in totality. For more context read Relationship Dynamics

I will continue with some self-forgiveness on this point in a blog to come.

As a short feedback after writing the mentioned blog: There are no thoughts coming up anymore in relation to drinking this glass of wine when being at home. In the beginning it did come up now and then and with the support of this blog I was able to directly let it go and as I notice now, it is not a point anymore, it is not coming up as a possibility or desire or need and mostly not even as a thought anymore. That is great self-feedback and self-proof after walking layer after layer as a process through the years of what process actually entails.


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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 794 – A moment of change

I am used to drink little to no alcohol. This has not always been the case. During my studying years, I did go out a lot and used more alcohol than was good for my body. So I mostly was drinking with others in the weekends or on free days, however I also remember having some wine in the house and then on Wednesday, started taking a glass in home when being alone and then used some up till the weekend again. I did not feel so well with this and also not with the effect of it and at some point, I decided to stop this because I noticed an addiction pattern in it that bothered me, no matter how small the amount was as for example ‘only one or a half glass of wine’.

Through the years, I brought down the intake up till the point of little to no drinking at all. I still liked the taste of a nice glass of wine but I have seen so much trouble around me and close to me through an abusive intake of alcohol, that I developed a bit of a dislike towards drinking alcohol in general.

I am now living alone again and I noticed that I sometimes felt the ‘need’ (behoefte-Dutchto drink a little wine when being at home and alone, for example ‘a glass of wine before/during cooking’. I tried this out a few times, looking at how to approach this and what the effect is on myself. I was looking at allowing myself to sometimes have a glass of wine during cooking, or deciding to not drink alone at all and keeping a glass of wine as a form of enjoyment when being with someone else – for example a friend or a family member. I still did like the first few sips very much:, the taste and the ‘warm’ effect in the body. But I also noticed the same ‘pattern’ as twenty years before coming up when drinking a glass of wine in the house: I was ‘looking forward to this’; I had an ‘open bottle’ in the house (even when I buy bottles of 250 cc I have this open till next time) that I then tend to take the next day ‘because it is open’; I did feel a bit ‘fuzzy’ after drinking it. Things like that.

After a few times, I decided to not buy this small bottle for myself to keep in the house. At one afternoon, I felt like ‘having a glass of wine’ and was looking if I should buy some or not and how to put this in place for myself. I actually and self-honestly, wanted to keep this drinking for some occasional enjoyment when for example being with a friend and/or having a nice diner, something like that, but I also liked the taste when having a little by myself. However I did not like ‘being busy’ with this in my head, every time that I start cooking for example. I did notice this ‘need’ keeping existing and coming up within me as to fulfill something within myself in these moments. And in that moment, that afternoon, I changed something.

I decided to not go for this ‘need’ and to stick with my initial approach (to occasional have a nice drink together to enjoy as a delicacy). There was this one moment where I needed to walk through an experience of ‘emotional loss’ – I cannot describe exactly what it was. But I noticed, because I had not allowed myself to build it up through time again, that it was only that one moment that I needed to stand with/as myself in this self-honest approach, before the energy decreased and I was through.

In this moment I did see clearly that a build up through time makes it difficult to keep standing when an energy is coming up and ‘trying to take over’ so to speak. This gives many layers and emotional/feeling connections that needs to be ‘disconnected’ and released, that makes it feeling like ‘undoable’ and immens. But in this moment, I saw what the direct way of ‘not accepting and allowing’ is giving me: a strength and deep satisfaction and after this, time and quietness to focus on other things. Because I did not accept and allow to let it become an issue and distraction again.

I was able to do this quickly because I had already walked this path extensively and going there again was not needed to piece myself together. However it now also gives myself a reference of the ‘reward’ so to speak (the peace, satisfaction, quietness and space) of directly/immediately standing with and as my self-honesty – although I may not see everything that is connected on forehand. Where I did see that I am used to check on forehand within myself, ‘if I am able to step out again if needed’. So this means in this example, that what I am used to do and look at within myself is the following way: “Can I have a drink now and then at home alone, although I see that this is not best for myself eventually and so I ‘know’ in a way that somehow/somewhere I need to (and will) stop this/step out of this again? And then I ‘check’ within myself if I see myself able to stop/step out of it in the the future”. If the answer is “yes, I can stop/step out of this in the future when and as needed”, then I decide many times to still ‘do it’ and actually ‘go get my bliss’. Until ‘I am done’ with it or until I cannot have it anymore, and then I stop. And then I need to walk through the build up layers again of emotional/feeling release. So I am actually used to walk through points the long way and more or less even believed that I ‘have to do it like this’ in many occasions.

This is not the most effective way and I can distract myself with this a whole life (and actually I have distracted myself with this many many years already). I now for the first time saw direct the effect of accumulation of energy and what it takes to walk through this and how I can instead, bring myself more and more to this direct/immediate point of standing and change in a moment. And this then can also start accumulating, in a beneficial way, for myself and life as a whole, into and towards my self-honest standing; moment by moment, breath by breath.

After this it did not come up again as a ‘need’ or desire’ to have a glass of wine in the house alone and this is a relief. A thought may come up now and then but not loaded with energy anymore and so not much of my attention is going to this point anymore. That was what I noticed in this one moment of change, that I stand and changed and released and I was through and it was done. Because I had not build up a lot of energetic attachments around it again/anymore. And when it comes up as a thought, I am satisfied with my decision/approach/stand and so I can ‘stand with/as myself’ in this.

As an addition, I decide to drink an occasional glass of wine with others, because this is what I can self-honestly stand with and enjoy as a delicacy; when I at the same time have already proven to myself as walked before, that I will let go and stop drinking any glass of wine if I see that this is better/best for me and/or others in my life in time to come or in a certain period of time.


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Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive