At the moment I am writing and preparing in different places, also in Dutch and so my ‘process blog-writing’ here goes slow. This does not mean that I ‘stopped’ the process-writing or process in general or that I am struggling with something; it merely means that I want to do many things – practical and on the internet besides work as well – and that I am dividing my time between it all. Also,when I do not write a blog, I still walk my process every day as ‘process’ for me has become a part of my daily life.
This having said, I would like to write a bit about the word ‘strong’ or strength!
Bernard, as well as the dimensions through the portal, mentioned that ‘I am a strong woman’ (‘you need to accept this’ said B). I did see the ‘truth’ in this, I ‘feel’ and notice this inside myself, however at the same time I could not find a suitable definition for it and this then made me being hold up with the ‘old’ definition of ‘strong’ as if I am or should be strong, like ‘not being weak’ and ‘having a ‘strong body’ or ‘standing strong within a point’ and things like that and at the same time, not wanting to make an ‘ego-point’ out of it.
I do have a little issue with muscle strength. I see this related to how my mind is set up within my physical body – I have written a blog about this – and so I see my muscle strength as a bit less than average – besides this I see it also related to my posture. (note I do function well and am able to put in a lot physical effort, however within training etc I see how I take on less weight than could be ‘expected’ with my age and condition). Recently, I did see it coming up as an emotional point, where with a specific muscle-testing, one asked me ‘to hold as strong as possible’ and this was not really a lot lol, meaning that the one testing could easily pull through my hold. I then suppressed the emotion – I did not want to show I was touched by it and I also did not see it as ‘so important’, with the result that I did become ‘untestable’ lol and I firstly needed to express the emotion. I also saw myself lately – last few months – giving a lot of effort to strengthen my muscles in the gym. I did feel some result, however little and slow. I see more dimensions related to this, however I do keep it to the definition of the word strong for this blog.
I found this such striking redefinition that really resonates with me and then looking back, I can relate it to what Bernard probably did see 7 years ago with saying ‘you are a strong woman’- meaning ‘you can trust your self-honesty‘ – especially because he also mentioned that ‘I see what is real’ as my strength. (Many times, only years later his words do fall into place; actually when I am ready to understand and integrate it within myself).
This gives me a definition to move on with: Strong as ‘I can trust my self-honesty’. As this is also something that I was looking at lately, how I ‘know’ in a way when I do see something REAL although I may not yet being able to express myself according to what I see or although some reactions may come up. So that is then the next step: how to express myself according to my self-honesty, to what I see, within my strength as trusting my self-honesty.
It is also a definition that works in any given moment. No matter how ‘weak’ I physically may feel in a moment, no matter what my condition is (which is fine overall, I just point out all possible situations) – I can trust my self-honesty and so ‘be strong’. I like that, it is awesome. I can stand with it in any time and given situation and at the same time I can not make an ego-point of it because I will notice this not being self-honest and so I cannot trust it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my muscle strength defines my inner strength, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘strong’ means that I can trust my self-honesty and that this then may reflect in my physical appearance as in my stand and muscle-tone, aligned with the individual potential of my physical condition and constitution as a whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move in polarity from strong to weak to strong to weak etc, instead of standing strong within the core of my being in every moment and any given situation, within the ability of trusting my self-honesty and within the ability of expressing myself accordingly.
Remembering a song shared on facebook last week (by Ida via Leila): Soft to be strong – a lot going on around the word Strong!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be strong within and as my physical body without trusting myself, in and as my self-honesty, in every moment and given situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question and doubt myself in my self-honesty and / or to not live up to my self-honesty through distractions within desire and fear, through emotional turmoil and so weakening myself instead of making myself stronger within trusting my self-honesty and (practise) expressing myself accordingly in and as the physical.
I commit myself to when and as I feel ‘weak’ in some way, to stop, breathe and see within myself where I am not trusting my self-honesty, to embrace and forgive myself within the related fear as self-dishonesty that I see, within and as softness yet firmness and from here, practise to express myself, aligned with my self-honesty in that moment and given situation – may it be sounding a self-forgiveness, may it be words into the world, may it be silence for that moment.
To be continued and walked in the physical. Thanks!
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
The Secret to Self-Realisation:
Proces van wereldverandering: