Dag 754 – To never accept and allow it again

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’,  if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

Thanks for reading!


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Uil forgive

Dag 589 – The mind-body relationship – The pain of allowance, within and without

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Yesterday evening around 10 pm, a cramping pain came up in the large intestine at the height of the right ovarium. This is a place where from time to time, I experience cramping. It is a cramping that asks all my attention and I need to sit down and look what is going on where the sitting gives some physical support on my lower back (which is comfortable, especially because I am also having my period). In the hours before there did not so much happen, I had written out a time-line within my DIP Pro lesson and I did not experience a particulair emotion. So I started to look back through the day to see if I could find anything related. I do this by focussing on the pain and ‘scroll’ within myself through moments during the day that stood out for me. I also from time to time, lay down on the ground or on the bed and push firm and gentle on the painfull spot to see what emotion is stored here, especially when it is coming up in the morning and I often find it related to ‘sentences’ as assumptions with related emotions that I have stored in the past without being aware of it and/or without willing to be aware of it.

However yesterday night I started with scrolling through the past day. I entered a moment, looked into possible reactions/emotions within myself and see if there is any movement within the specific/painfull area. I entered a conversation that I had with a woman at work that made an impression on me. The woman had been in the store once before for some physical support and she came back for some new products and told me that what we had discussed and that what she took home, was giving the support that was required. She told me that she wanted to ask me a question and that I could decide to answer or not answer. Her question was how many males and females talks to me about sexual abuse and how much this subject is, from my perspective, ‘in the open’ so to speak. She shared that she was writing a book about the subject of sexual abuse and she mentioned some numbers that were very high and that The Netherlands is one of the countries where it takes place very often. She mentioned how investigations gave numbers of relations between for example intestine-problems and sexual abuse and between crimes and sexual abuse, meaning that from 70% of the intestine-problems and from the crimes that took place, there was sexual abuse involved where in females tend to manifest this more intern (physical) as problems and where males tend to manifest it more extern as problems as ‘crimes’.

I was deeply touched by what she mentioned, also in relation to the amount of males that are subject of sexual abuse, used as a way to control, for example in war-area’s and how they rarely speak about it because ‘they should be the ones that are protecting the family’.

A few months ago, I noticed a similar physical reaction within myself, related to facing the abuse in the world in/as a ‘wake-up moment’ and suppressing my reaction on this as supressing/hiding the reaction of pain for what is happening in this physical world and I experience this suppression as cramping inside the lower area’s of the large intestine where I can hardly stand anymore, I need to sit or lay down and support myself to release the pain.

This previous event was related to animal-abuse and happened while I was listening/realising how the chickens that everyone is eating on a daily base, are treatened and prepared. As soon as I allow myself to face the abuse in the world and allow myself to experience the related emotional pain, the physical pain releases. Actually in this moment, I stop the separation here within and as myself – the separation from my emotional reaction on the abuse in and as this world – and as soon as I stop suppressing my emotional reaction and instead, start taking responsibility for my reaction in and as the application/living of self-forgiveness, I stop the abuse on myself/my physical body. This was also yesterday evening. I look, I see, I allow myself to experience the emotional pain and if necessary, speak out self-forgiveness until it is releasing and/or to find where the pain is related to.

There was also a personal aspect related to the mentioning of the relationship between sexual abuse and intestine-problems. It was a realization inside myself as ‘you see, it is indeed related’. In my life, there has not been taken place some actual physical sexual abuse, however at a young age there were incidents from sexual intimidation within for my experience an ‘innocent relationship’, where the incidents have been of great influence on my behaviour and general expression. It was all so very subtile that it is easily to be surpressed and ‘swept’ away as ‘of not so much importance’ and at the same time I am/was every moment aware of the influence that I allowed it to have on me, in almost every aspect of myself. Lately I am facing more of the incidents/events as memories and within this seeing how and where to take responsibility for myself in it and stop defining myself as how I reacted within this events which I developped into a personality.

The realization gave a release of the guilt that I experienced with regards to my physical conditions as having a sensitive digestion and spastic colon, as if ‘everything was my own fault’ in this. It is not ‘my fault’ but it is indeed and only my responsibility to take care of myself within this condition as my physical body that I live in. I am the only one who is responsible for myself and/as my mind in and as my physical body, as I am the only one who can see how I created all the relationships within and as myself, from and as memories as events during my life and although there is DNA involved and preprogramming, it is still the mind that I allowed to evolve in and as myself and the body that I live in and that is my responsibility; only I live day and night with and as myself, in and as my physical body that I can call ‘mine’ in a way, so it is my responsibility to take care of, in and as myself (where we should take into consideration how everyone and everything is of influence on each other in this physical existance and how easily this physical existance can be harmed).

There are many dimensions involved here where in the suppression of emotional reactions do have an influence on my physical body, that I have allowed myself many times throughout my live, if I take in consideration the condition of a the spastic colon that I have allowed/created to exist in and as myself. Central in this, is the acceptance and allowance of the emotional reactions as self-abuse, as reactions on abuse that is happening ‘to me’ and/or that is happening in this world and from here, suppressing it within my physical body where I try to separate myself from the experiences that gives and showes the pain and abuse. Which is actually a form of denial. Because, “Once you’ve Allowed Abuse, you’ll become Abuser”.

(Source: Interviews from the Farm 60: Candida and Self abuse)

The pain and abuse that we accept and allow within this existence, we can not deny and hide from it; it is here within ourselves, within and as our physical bodies.

Accept and Allow – Contract with Death: Day 22

Accepteren en Toestaan – Het Contract met de Dood: Dag 22 (vertaling)

desteni-i-process

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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