Dag 784 – Depression and attention

Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

Dag 782 – The experience of depression opening up

I am now ready to have a look at what is described in the video about depression by Bernard Poolman. It is a ‘strong’ and radical approach of what depression entails – if not created by chemical disbalanscoming forward out of lack of nutrition, which then gives  physical heaviness that we create an idea about that can be experienced as depression. In this I see that this is one experience that I have had many times, coming forward out of a physical stagnation and disbalans within my intestines,which in itself is again having a factor of the mind-consciousness-system in it and containing certain mind-patterns and self-beliefs, from myself and/or generations before, that I then have internalized.

This experience of physical heaviness, I learned to recognize and see that it is indeed not really a depression that I am dealing with but mind-states and physical disbalances that need my attention. Actually it has been the entry-point for me to walk the Desteni-I-Process. Entry-point meaning, the point where in I recognized the Desteni material as essential and wholesome, to start to understand the real and individual, internal mind-being-body relationship. (where in this is then again related to how we as humanity have accepted,  allowed and created this world as how it exists today).

There is also an aspect that is described in this video that I do recognize within myself and that perhaps is again related to creating at first this internalized mind-patterns that then is having an effect on my physical body. So really spiraling myself (locked) inwards in a way, instead of expressing myself in and as life, outwards.

I do have an example where in I recognize the statement in this video that “depression is an attempt to gain attention and so, an attempt to try to control outcomes, related to the view that something else or someone else is responsible to make me happy”. And, what I do see it starting with more consious at the age of 16 , is “a form of self-judgement taking place during the proces of depression (from a conversation happening within as a feeling, idea, self-talk or physial movement internalizing”).

For now I take out the example that I do recognize as an attempt to gain attention, which I do see related in the situation that I wrote many blogs about, where I have been pregnant for a few weeks at the age of 27 (before the abortion took place). Here in I remember a moment where I was laying on a cough alone in my room, and sinking in within an experience of depression and a fear of having a post-natale depression. And this was related to me being pregnant in this early state of a relationship, from someone I did not particularly want to be with and then having the fear that by having a child, I would not have the time or possibility to ‘find that particularly one’.

This is really what was actually going on within myself and which has been part of my decision to have an abortion, where before, I deep within me – as how I experienced it as ‘deep within my heart – I wanted to let this baby be born. (Within the whole blog-serie I have written out all other aspects that I see related to this decision making).

Basicely what I have done, is that I have ‘controled the outcome’ by stopping the pregnancy and moving on with my life as how I knew it. During that time, I did not have the tools and self-support to recognize this experience of depression as ‘an attempt to control the outcome’. I do not say, again, that this decision was ‘wrong’ and seeing the circomstances and my inner state and possibilities in that time, it may have been the best to do, as I was not able to take responsibility for what I would pass through to the child, where in I was aware that I would pass through certain patterns that I was not yet able to direct myself in and as and that I was not satisfied about, at all, but still existing within a point of blame. However, it is certainly a factor for myself here to recognize and admit, and see the banality of what is behind this decision making during that time. Banality not meaning judgemental but ‘for what it is’.

Simply said, I did not have the self-mastership to be happy with myself in any given situation, and “holding others responsible for making me happy” (which I projected on searching for an intimate partner / relationship). And this is exactly what I deeply experienced like ‘how can I be an example for a child to live and be happy and satisfied with oneself, if I am not having find this within and as myself?’. I would then automatically expect the child ‘to make me happy’ or start living the mechanism to hide this, and so ‘keeping distance’. Which I both did not see as an option to live out and as I said, not yet having the tools to support myself in this effectively.

And this is what I can make peace with within and as myself. I truly did not yet have the tools, the information and self-direction to move myself towards this and so, I would not have given the child an example of what I very deep within, did see as a potential, as my potential, of what I now can describe as learning what it means to live from a starting-point of self-responsibility and practising this.

So here, an experience of depression can be a guideline and signal for myself, for ourself, that I am not yet moving within and from a point of self-mastery. Not to be harsh on myself but to actually, come closer towards myself, to become more self-intimate within and towards self-honesty and looking directly at the banality of the points and experiences within myself. This partly exist within self-interest within and as feelings, emotions, experiences, ideas, expectations but contain as well an essence of myself in it; the one that I can ‘free’ and bring into self-expression, once that I have pulled of the layers off and while pulling off this layers, of all these inner dialoges, experiences, ideas, expectations, etc. Still, the most effective way for me is and has been writing it out within the application of self-forgiveness.

Thanks for reading, so far for today.

Disclaimer: this blog contains an individual path walked and can not be used as a medical advise. When one is struggling with a form of depression that one is not able to handle, I recommend to reach out for specilized support.


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Uil forgive

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Dag 782 – The experience of depression opening up

Continuing on Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

(…)

After my twenties I started to bring down the going out and alcohol intake, up to now very rarely drinking a glass of wine. However with doing so, I had many years where I needed to find other ways to ‘relax from myself’ in a way and to for a moment ‘let go’. Which I must say, I did not really succeed in for quite some years. And so I did experience quite some moments of heaviness during my thirties.

If I look now at this ‘heaviness’, the first word that comes up in me related to this experience is ‘self-conscious’.

Like being too self-conscious, too conscious of myself, in what I say or not say, do or not do. Like I have locked myself in within my own consciousness focussed on my self and feeling ‘stuck’ in this, like a rabbit freezing in the light of a car. And this is what I could let go for a moment with going out and using some alcohol and hanging around, laughing and speaking with friends or dancing.

During my high-school years I had a best friend, and I went to her almost every day and with her I speaked about what was bothering me and she always sheered me up and supported me to relevate and when going back home, I felt better. But when getting older, everyone started to ‘build their own life’ and creating families and so the friendships were less shared and only coming together by ‘appointment’. And these years between 25-35, I have experienced the most struggling within myself because I could not really get up with the natural life-path of creating a family. And many of my ‘friends’ started to get involved in relationships and creating a family, where I could not relate to them so much anymore and I started to ‘feel better’ alone by myself or with others who walked a bit of a uncommon path.

Within this period I have learned to not scare as ‘resist’ the periods of depression and emotions coming up. I lived in a beautiful area within nature and with many birds outside around and I found peace and sense in a more nature-connected way of living. I noticed that a depression – the ‘experienced one’ as how I describe in my previous blog and not the clinical/physical ingrained one – is passing by. And this goes best if I am not running away for this experience, but ‘letting it in’ and investigate what is involved. It seems and feels like it goes on forever, but I have learned that it passes by and when and as I feel that it is pulling me down too much, I will ask for support.

The most frightening experiemnce in it I find that ‘I do not like anything anymore’. I have been in a period where I find I was drowning too much in a sadness and ‘not liking anything anymore’, where I went out for support – during that days I went to a couple who worked with series of Dutch flower remedies – and the lady simply said to me, without pointing it out too much but more in between other things that she was looking had – that I needed to find what I did like before and the way in which she mentioned this, immediately made me taking this in as something that is here and that I need to pick up. So not in a way of questioning it, like ‘is there anything that you like?’; but without any doubt or questioning within so as ‘data’, as something that is here. So she brought me back here actually and I immediately could find some simple things that I like.

When writing this, an experience is coming up of loosing myself, loosing control in a way over myself so I see that this experience that I had during using extacy (described in the previous blog), is still existing within me. It is like I access it while writing about this subject, which indicates for me that it is here to open up; I brought it here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like loosing control, loosing myself, as if I am not able to direct myself but that I need to follow this experience and as if I ‘need’ to loose myself to find myself, which may be true, however I do have the ability to direct myself with words, with actions, with being here in my body and so I do not need to stay and drown in this directlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need another to get me out of my own consciousness and at the same time, feel like I loose my directlessness when and as I am with others, which then in a way is a ‘lock in‘ from myself in my own mind consciousness system in a way that I did not see before as so ‘severe’ as so pertinent present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen, realized and understand the severity of my own mind-consciousness system and the lock in of myself in it, where I did understand the severity due to how the world exists today and also how we each contribute and are part of it; however really seeing it within and as myself is a different story as I easily avoid to see how it really exists within and as me.

I also see another situation coming forward where I feared to experience a depression. It was when I was pregnant (before the abortion, see blog-serie) and here I feared a post-natale depression. Sylvie brought up that the experience of ‘depression’ may be related to attention more than to control. I will look into this for myself and how it is related, as it seems to be related to a fear of loosing attention in future periods. What I more and more start seeing within myself (so from knowledge and information towards seeing it existing within and as myself), is how the ‘attention’ and energy within this, is in essence related to money and/or sexuality in/as the mind and the question and opportunity within this (of how) to move beyond this, into ‘myself’ and towards and into self-expression.

This experience slowly opens up more and is still existing within me, so cool that I am bringing the topic here.

To be continued.

 


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Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 661 – Battling for attention – self-forgiveness, a start

its_a_process

Continuing on: Dag 660 – Allow yourself to loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid an experience of loosing in small events and conversations and here suppress myself in this experience and at the same time, because of avoiding to experience ‘to loose’, automatically try to win and ‘feel better’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to irritate myself when and as I notice another in conversation with me ‘trying to win’ without looking in my own experiences and what I am actually doing here myself which colours my observation around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot reach a dimension of this winning and loosing and the pain that I caused myself within participation in this polarity within myself and here more being on the surface of it within an uncomfortable experience of seduced emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to not experience the pain that I cause to myself from participating in the polarity of winning and loosing.

Can I name the experience here?

Being ignored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my being by suppressing how I really experinec myself and instead of supporting myself and name the experience, forgive myself for the participation and believe in it and see what makes me feel like this, suppressing this within myself and my physical body and so, creating physical consequenses for myself from where I recreate the experiences and so the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ignored when I notice another in conversation with me is not really listening but in my eyes trying to ‘win’ my attention for their own words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a battle for attention for words that are spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of ‘always listening’ to the words of another who from my perspective, do not give any attention to my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another does intentional not listen to my words, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that another might not even be aware of the inequality within the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because my experiences of not being listened to and not being noticed are so obvious for myself, that another is also noticing this but delibrately ignoring it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the other does not see what is going on inside myself and because I am suppressing it, it is not visible eather for the physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should get space from another to express myself as how I give another space to express themselves by listening and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to receive what I give, which is not unconditionally giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like with this giving, ‘emptying’ myself and labeling this as a ‘bad’ thing from where I now realize that what I experience as emptying myself, might not be ‘bad’ in itself but my interpretation of it might be misformed and so I misinforme myself with information from what I experience, so from my emotions that I believe and take for real as ‘this is who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinform myself by believing my own experiences/emotions as this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this ‘emptying myself’ is also an experience and so contained of negative emotional energie, based on misinformation as thoughts and believes as judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own being while at the same time I am aware of myself.

I see now in the word ‘being’ that this is who I am, ‘be’ and as I define myself as ‘being something’ this is how I label my own ‘being’ as who I am and funny enough even the beginning of my own name is in it as ‘be ing(rid) which in itself also includes ‘be in grid’ as in the grid-lines and so within this letters I see a movement from ‘being in the gridlines’ to my ‘being’ does not mean to ‘delete completely who I am’ but more embracing and changing who I am’ by moving myself to and as my being.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘being ignored’ and from here, of loosing while i am in a conversation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in my mind in polarity, trying to make myself more (important) than the other to ‘become equal’ to each other, instead coming to a point of equality first within and as myself by stopping the participation within the experiences of winning and loosing as a way of control.

I realize that I try to control by trying to win (attention) and I realize that I feel like loosing (control) if I am not ‘being attended’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within conversation, expect to be first be attended by another to be heared, instead of attend myself and from here, express myself.

I realize that this is used as some kind of suppression to children that they are not allowed to speak when the adults does not give the persmission to do so, which I may even have copied as a pattern from a parent to whom this is used and which is in a form of suppression moved into the children as I did not see this pattern consciously affirmed and lived by my parents but sub- and maybe unconsiously, it was playing a role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy, believe and follow suppressed/hidden patterns without investigating for and within myself what the consequenses are of doing so.

I commit myself to allow myself to loose (control) within a conversation and to breathe and listen and also listening to myself within the reactions/experiences that are coming up.

I realize that because I am participating in experiences, I am waiting for myself to express myself as while I am in experiences, I am not able to express myself effectively and so, I commit myself to express myself to myself within and as the application of some self-forgiveness for the experiences that I separate myself within from where I create distance within and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for constant attention myself to create a better feeling about myself which I do not show but hide within myself, as a way of controling the situation and being able to ‘play it out’ in a form of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within conversation where I experience an unability to express myself and project this towards the conversationpartner within hidden blame, which in itself makes it more difficult to express myself and where I even do not want to express myself anymore out of blame which is actually a form of revenche, where in I am actually secretely creating an experience of ‘winning’ within myself that I do not openly show and here, I keep control within and as my mind as being ‘the best’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be the best, instead of being and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be the best to make sense and that it doesn’t matter if I am not here as the best, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that it is about being/becoming the best version of myself and not so much in comparisson to others as it is not possible to be better or less than others because I am not them and they are not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to battle with myself and blame myself when and as I am not living the best version of and as myself, instead of seeing where I can support myself and move and guide myself within the best I can in any given situation/moment that I am capable of at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be better than I am/am capable of from expectations in my own mind to get attention from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will get more attention if I do better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all kind of expectations towards myself and from here, towards another and judge/blame myself (and/or another) if I and/or another do not live up to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear for my own projected reactions within myself from creating judgements as thoughts as expectations to live up to and from here, creating unnecessary conflict, within and without and then also, when there is a ‘conflict’ necessary to bring change, experience fear as judgement of conflict in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself created from my own fear (as thoughts as judgements).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up disappointment within myself that I experience as a ‘hate’ towards myself as accumulated points that I did not take responsibility for which I experience as a sickness in the midst of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself, to not stand within an appointment of equality and oneness within and as myself but allowed myself to go into a battle that I do not even like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like battles and games but do participate in it every day despite myself and/as my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my integrity in/as myself by participating in battles and competition in/as the mind, looking for attention as energy.

I realize that I am not able to express myself in certain situations because I participate in judgements as thoughts (=fear) and so in conflict as separation within myself.

I commit myself to be and become aware of the conflict that I participate in within myself within the small conversations with people that I do not generally feel comfortable with to express myself and here give the attention to myself that I need as support and guidance to eventually come to self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my own attention is not enough and that need attention from others outside myself.

When and as I see myself looking for attention to fill myself, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I participate in my mind, looking for something (or someone) to complete me with thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of that I bring myself to a point of nothingness and forgive myself specificely for participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I realize that I have learned to constantly generate energy to ‘fill’ myself with from the participation in thoughts and from here, in feelings and emotions to keep myself alive in/as the mind as how I know myself.

I commit myself to breathe in the experience of loosing (a part of) myself that comes up when I stop myself participating in this ‘looking for attention’ to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself and here, to let go.

To be continued.

I realize that it may look like random self-forgiveness on points that come up that I have manifested as a structure within and as myself and/as my physical body. Here I walk around a point, looking for a ‘way in’ and taking bits and bites from the surface layers here and there to in this way slowly break down the patterns and step by step coming more to the core of it.

Here I do not ‘wait’ until I see ‘the whole thing’ but start with what is coming up and from here, walk with it. This  is what may make the self-forgiveness seem a bit (or a lot) incoherent. What I also notice is that during and after the writing, the patterns open up more while doing the daily activities where I apply self-forgiveness in speaking.

I often come during the writing and speaking (and doing the daily activities here and there in the house in between), to a moment where I ‘suddenly hit’ the point that was bothering me the most at that time, where it releases physically in letting out the emotion via some tears which results at the same time in a diminishment of the physical strain that is prominent in that moment/during that day. Which is a (physical) proof for myself that I brought myself to the release of a small peace of the structure and so, applied myself in self-honesty in relation to (a piece of) this point and structure.

wheredoyoustart

Video 2011: WHERE do I START with Self Forgiveness?

WAAR BEGIN IK met Zelfvergeving? (vertaling)

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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

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Uil forgive

Dag 530 – Sharing a hidden pattern

Yesterday a point came to the surface that I would like to open up and forgive myself for. It is related to ‘sharing’ within conversation. Within the conversation, I gave notition of a chat that I have had as we discussed this before but I mentioned on forehand that I will not yet expand on a certain point that had opened up and will first walk it for myself and share and/or write about it afterwards. This is a ‘normal’ phrase for me and if someone tells me so, I would immediately accept it and leave it up to the one who sais so. However the buddy started to ask some questions about it, what the reason was for not expanding on it now. I didnot expect any questions when I say on forehand that  I do not want to expand on it so I reacted to it within myself and resisted even more to open up. After chat, I realized that I missed a dimension in this where I did not take the ‘conversationpartner’ into consideration by stating on forehand that I will not expand on a certain subject at the moment while we did have shared the occasion of it all. The point of first walking it for myself is fine ofcourse, however there was a point of self-interest in it as ‘keeping it to myself’ which I did not yet see. As I said, it is a ‘normal’ phrase for me to say in which I only take myself into consideration as how I am used to do things, which is actually me as the mind because it is ‘how I am used to do things’ without taking the other as myself as life in consideration where I could have shared some overview and walking the detail for myself. I noticed that I had decided on forehand to ‘not expand on it’ and so, did not see within the moment what is best to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed after finishing chat about my behaviour in the stated words as that I ‘am not going to expand on it now’ which I had already decided to do so without seeing into ways to do share something that I am already able to and see how to do this within the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I did not take the point of sharing in the moment of what I am able to into consideration, where in I did not take the conversationpartner as life into consideration where in I did not take myself as life into consideration by stating on forehand that I am not going to expand on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘is it not enough when I say that I am not going to expand on it now, why should this come from someone else?’ where in I feel threatened as if I can not decide for myself to share or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel questioned within my decision to not yet share and within this, questioned within my ability to make a decision to do so or not by myself where in it is not the fact of not yet sharing that is actually questioned but it is the statement on forehand in/as the mind that is questioned here and that I should question for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically not share and to not take the value of sharing into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think about myself within the decision to share or not share where in I experience this as ‘my decision’ as mine as something that another has nothing to do with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to own my own process and feel threatened when there are questions asked about it that I stated on forehand to not yet share.

Then why do I not want to share already? Because I did not have yet walked into physical reality what I have realised and I fear that if I already share, I ‘loose’ what I have realised and ‘fall back’ into self-doubt. Within this I see a fear of  ‘not being understood’ and so, I start ‘explaing myself’ and so to prevent myself for this, I make the statement that ‘I am not going to expand on it now’.

The points in itself are relevant to take into consideration, however the fear gives an energetic experience as fear of loss of myself within the communication when I notice the situation as if I am not being understood. Funny in this is that I cannot be understood if I will not expand and will not answer questions so I keep myself in my own fear in place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being understood which brings me to the experience of needing to ‘explain myself’ to make myself clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share from the point of wanting to be understooda and so, expecting something from another instead of unconditionally sharing myself within the things that I am already able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy in the sharing as it costs me a lot of effort to express myself and bring for example insights into words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within the moment what and how I can share within consideration of myself as another as being within the ability of myself in that moment and so instead I start protecting myself in/as the mind in a statement on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the conversation as sharing on forehand by the decision to not yet expand on a certain point as a way of control of myself in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to loose control within sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimicy within sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let anyone close within sharing myself within words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see anyone in me and only open up when I am really sad, which is not cool as in this way I only share the sad points in which I bring myself into reality as a ‘sad person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only share the sad points in and as a fear that when sharing my insight, this will fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect positive energy to insights as a way to feel better about myself where in I use the insights as a way to protect myself against feeling less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the experience of feeling better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I first share a point, I will not live it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself in and as a sad personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go blanc when I have the possibility to share and only bring certain aspects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of so many typing from ‘what I mean’ and so I prefer to not share and type so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to share in and as self-expression and always feel as if the sharing is incomplete and so, this gives only a certain aspect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be defined in only a certain aspect and so, prefer to not share where actually I do want to share myself, however this takes so much time and effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see the ‘use’ of sharing in conversation and prefer to only share what is practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see what others share, often as ‘so much talking about things that I already know’ which I do not want to be seen myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to bother or bore someone and so, prefer to keep it short and only share some summary or conclusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sharings into different variations as ‘boring’ or ‘interesting’ or ‘short’ or ‘long’ etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer summaries and conclusions and not the wide expanding to listen to and to speak, where in I try to take all into one summary or conclusion, where in I realise that I can make a conclusion or summary in process from every specific detail, to make it relevant, practical and easy to comprehend within sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things to be ‘talked dead’ into analysing in/as the mind and so, prefer to live things instead of ‘talking about things’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ‘overanalysed’ and within this, being put into a certain box of analisation.

After forgiving these dimensions which seemed a bit incoherent and going ‘from here to there’, I see that the hidden fear as reason behind not yet wanting to share is that I am much more stable now and I do not yet want to share this, because I want to first ‘test’ and walk this stability for myself. This is fine, however a point of self-interest is that I do not yet want to hold myself (and be hold) accountable for myself in more self-responsibility so it is actually a bit of a post-poning of living my potential, also from a point of fear of ‘what if I will fall back’ which is more a fear of ‘what if I do not have some freetime anymore to entertain myself a bit’.

Where in I see that instead of simply sharing and moving on, I hold it within myself and actually enlarge it with this behaviour which makes it ‘something bigger’ than it is. As building up (at)ten(t)sion which I actually wanted to prevent by ‘not going to expand on it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up attention as a tension within myself and within this, expectation where in I enlarge the energy and at the same time postpone the simply living of a realisation, by believing that I cannot live up to my own build up expectation which I project on others as ‘not yet wanting to share as I do not want to make expectations that I ‘cannot live up to’.

So a nice hidden pattern is coming to the surface.

Self-commitments will follow.

Embracing Self by Bernard Poolman

dejar-de-sentir-04_thumbArtwork see blog Marlen

Winged – Exploring Self Intimacy

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 376 – Ignorance and preference – self-corrective statements

Dag 374 – How Every Breath Counts

Dag 375 – The gift of Life by Roos – preference and ignorance

When and as I see myself going into ignorance of someone who is asking for my attention, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I step automatically into a pattern of ignorance, before I have even seen what it is that is asked for.

I realize that I cannot see what is asked for, if I ignore the one that is asking something and/or if I ignore what is asked.

I realize that I fear something within this moment, that I can investigate within myself, but that in this moment, I need to put my awareness to the being that is asking me something, without paying any attention to my own preference in relation towards the being that is asking for attention or to my own preference in relation to activities that I would like to do or not do.

I realize I turn my own attention around and within this, place it into self-interest related to preference within this, instead of placing my attention to the being, tp life, that is asking for it.

I commit myself to breathe, and within breath, turn myself to the being that is asking for attention, within the realization that the being may need something from me in that specific moment. I listen and see what it is that the being asks me, and if I don’t understand the question within, I just stay here and breathe, I eventual apply self-forgiveness on what is coming up inside myself. If I do understand the question within, I see within myself what it is that I can do, what is my potential, what is practical possible, what is my self-will and what is my self-interest, and what is it that I see as best for all.

When and as I see myself going into reaction about poo on the floor or other dirt that I need to clean up, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I fear to become overwhelmed by dirt, which is actually dirt as energy as energetic reaction in and as the mind, and within this, physically paralyze as not being able to clean it up.

I realize that I have programmed reactions towards poo or dirt that I can stop and investigate inside myself.

I realize that the mind is putting up patterns as ideas as sabotage as control, and that within this, I believe that I need something to protect in and as myself, which is not so, it is just energy that wants to stay alive in and as a compromise of life in and as the physical substance, as this is the only way that energy can exist because of it’s dependency on the physical, on substance.

So I realize that I compromise life when I listen to the call for protection in and as the mind.

I commit myself to approach the dirt as poo on the floor in common sense and see how I can prevent it in common sense without compromising as controling the expression of life within this, and for rest just clean it up.

i commit myself to clean up the energetic dirt in anda smyself as existing energetic reactions, by investigating, stopping, and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

When and as I see myself, in any situation, going into preference in relation towards living beings, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that this is pre-programmed and based on energy, visible in appearance, looks, smell, noise, taste, feelings, ideas etc.

I realize that I become blind and compromise (myself as) life, when and as I follow my preference, and that this will lead to harm life within it, where life is equal, in and as the other as myself.

I realize that this is automated and so that it will take time to walk through this patterns ans stop and self-forgive the specific patterns of preference.

I realize that, with trusting on preference, I seperate myself, I ignore life, and so, in and as seperation, I isolate myself, and so create my own experience of loneliness.

I commit myself to stop and investigate preference when this is coming up inside myself, in relation towards a living being, and see within this what it is that I seperated myself from.

I commit myself to investigate the experience of loneliness further on and within this, go on listening to the Atlantean video’s about the system and experience of Loneliness, as a support.

When and as I see myself going into preference for activities to do, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I as the mind prefer specific activities to feed the energy in and as the mind, and feed the energy by creating resistance towards activities that the mind dislike, as for example cleaning up the house.

I commit myself to make each activity as comfortable as possible, which starts with my own approach of and awareness in the activity needs to be done.

I commit myself to investigate my own reactions towards specific activities, to see what it is that gives the resistance, so that I stand up equal to my own control and self-manipulation within the resistance, which harms life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm myself in and as life, by controling and manipulating myself in and as a preprogrammed and a developped programmed pattern of preference towards beings and activities, and within this do harm to another life as life in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compromised and harmed my physical body in and as a believe in self-manipulation and self-control, in and as preference in and as the mind, wherein the harm towards my body makes me feel so tired and exhausted that I use this as an excuse to continue with the pattern in and as the mind, in and as preference, wherein I am no longer physical able to do the labour that I do not prefer as dislike in and as the mind, and so keep myself alive in and as preference in and as the mind, and wherein I even experience myself as unable to listen and give attention to someone thats askes for my attention and eventual needs my support, or just simply wants to express as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squeeze myself in and as my physical body and take my own breathe away, by living in and as the preference in and as the mind, just as how we squeeze and take the breath away of the Physical Life on Earth for the benefit of the preference in and as the mind consiousness system existing in each human being.

I commit myself to stand up in and as awareness to educate myself and humanity in how we function as a mind consciousness system in and as preference as self-interest, which is leading to the destruction of life on earth, which is something that we need to stop as soon as possible and change into support of Life in and as the physical in equality and oneness, which starts within ourselves.

I commit myself to move on with writing, investigation, self-forgiveness and self-correction, to see where and how I specificely harm my own physical body towards the state of exhaustion, related to the idea of preference in and as the mind, where in I realize that this is a way to walk during time, through unpleasant experiences of exhaustion where in I will tend to mislead myself in and as the mind, and so I need daily application of and as myself to support myself within this, where it is only in this daily application that I will be able to change, day by day, breath by breath, in and as small steps.

I commit myself to investigate within myself what is self-interest, what is preference, what is self-will and what is best for all, as as long as I do not have a clear perspective on and as myself in this, I am not able to be clear towards life in and as myself, but will start compensating the compromise I have made in myself at first hand existing in and as self-interest, and so mixing up self-will and self-interest and within this not seeing and so not acting as what is best for all life.

I realize that this is what Roos is standing for as Life, as she was always clear in and as herself as who she is and what she wants, without acting differently towards others in and as hiding something, and so she was even more clear when she became bold and walked around through the whole house, small and vulnerable, and at the same time being strong in and as herself as life. Not making compromises towards self as life.

The Gift of Life by Roos.

Full atlanteans the beginning

Atlanteans – The Beginning

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 375 – The gift of Life by Roos – preference and ignorance

PENTAX Image

Day 374 – How Every Breathe Counts

In the beginning when Roos came to me with her mother (some one brought them to me), she was not my ‘favorite’. She reminded me of patterns that I react on in myself, Of course I took care of all the physical needs from the beginning and ‘liked’ her as an animal, but there was something that I kept distance in, I ‘let’ her in a way. Her mother was ‘my favorite’ and it always seemed that Roos took care of herself, that she did exactly what she wanted without ‘paying attention’ on her surroundings and that she didnot need so much attention, although she was very present herself. In the last year of her life, it came to my awareness that she also wanted to have some ‘extra attention’ as some support in her expression. So we started this, I made a flower remedy for her, as I do sometimes when an animal needs some assistance. And from that moment we walked together and it was really fun. She became old, and lost her hair, so I had walking a very little, half bald quinea pig in the house. She lost her ‘beauty’ as her pelt. I took her with me more often and after eating and treatment for her hair, she was sitting against me, and she liked it to sit like that, I think also because she had less hair, so some hands around her gave some warmth and protection. Within this, I started seeing her, and seeing her means really liking her expression. Sometimes I had reactions on her bald appearance, and sometimes I had reactions on her poo all through the house.

This point of preference is related to the evening before she died. Because I was looking into myself, would I have ignored Roy (the male quinea pig) the same for one moment if he would ask for my attention so prominent? Would I not check on him one more time before going to bed? As I see it, the answer is no. So, to my shame, I notice that preference has played a role in my behaviour of self-interest as ignorance the evening before Roos died.

Which leads to my behaviour of preference towards human beings, especially related to my mother, and my ignorance in this towards her callings for attention. My behaviour in preference towards ‘males’ which I see as more ‘relaxed’, and from which I want attention, and in this ignoring the attention from the female who was prominent around me (my mother) and or males who are showing this behaviour. Placing my trust in males who are not asking for attention, where I see this more ‘relaxed’ as more responsible, from which I see now, this is all just an appearance and interpretation, they have not yet taken responsibility, and putting my trust in them, has always lead to compromising myself as a betrayal of myself, ignoring myself in and as self-honesty. All because of getting away from ‘too much attention on me’ from the female in my life as my mother, to which I reacted so much that I did not see another option than ignoring and walking away, and within this, of course, wanting attention form another being.

And so, I reacted in and as these points towards Roos, the evening before she died:

Preference, which I was busy correcting with Roos, but did not yet stop completely.

Getting away and ignoring too much asking for attention from a female (or male with the same behaviour)

Reactions on her poo in the house that was thinner and more that evening

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let play preference a role in my behaviour as care-taker for Roos the quinea pig, the night before she died, and within this, made a decision in self-dishonesty to not look at her for one time before going to bed when she was lying quiet under the hay and to not listen to her persistant call for attention before she jumped into the hay and became quiet, and so ignoring life as myself as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop, ignore and walk away form persistant asking for attention, out of a pattern of ‘closing myself of’ when a female (or male) is asking too much attention in which I do not know what she (he)  wants from me, and instead of breathing, staying here, and really listening and seeing and within this finding out what is going on, I automatically walk out and close the doors, locking myself in, into my own space, and locking everyone else out, to not face this uncomfortable insecurity of not knowing what the other living being wants from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really listen to Roos right before she died, and within this, missing her gift of life towards me of giving me the opportunity to stop my patternal mind-behaviour and being here with her, receiving what she wants to express unconditionally in and as life, although I maybe do not understand her completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of not accepting this gift of life and failing in taking care of her in the last moments of Roos the quinea pig, to not feel worthy to accept the gift of life anyway, which must be build up in this way, in and as an experience of so much ignorance and fear of failure within this, that I feel like unworthy to accept the gift of life towards and as myself and within this, prefer to fail on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to fail on forehand out of fear of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to accept the gift of life by stopping the automatic energetic reactions in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to hear and understand what Roos wants in that moment of persistant asking for attention, and so rather lock off than opening up, not seeing, realising and understanding that just because of locking off, I will be unable to see what is here, and just because of reacting in and as this locking off, I keep myself locked in as encrypted in and as my own mindconstruct, just as it is constructed and set up as a system to keep me as a human being prison and in control, in and as the mind, to keep me away of standing up in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the signs as encryprions of the mindsystem in what could have been a moment of awareness, sharing and real care-taking in and as life, and within this, looking away from my own potential in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself afterwards for looking away from my own potential in and as life, and in this again, looking away from the gift of life that is still here, given by Roos with her life, as something that I can decide to accept in every moment of breath and so change myself within this breath by breath in and as self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is ‘too bad’ what I have done, and so feeling unworthy to decide to change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience of ‘too bad’ – in Dutch ‘te erg’, is an experience in and as enERGy which makes me feel like ‘te erg’ as ‘too bad’, and so keeping myself enslaved again in and as these enERGetic reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see males who are not asking for attention, as more relaxed as not asking for attention and translate this as more responsible, and so seeing ‘relaxed’ and ‘not asking for attention’ as responsible, in which I start wanting the attention of these appaerently relaxed beings, and within this walking out of my own self-responibility as a female in and as compromising myself to get from and give attantion towards males who are relaxed as not asking for attention, where in this case, I compromised the life of Roos as a female quinea pig who was asking very persistant and prominent for my attention by going into reaction in and as the mind and within this, missing out on the request of life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the attention I get from females and/or males who are asking for and also within this, giving me a lot of attention, but instead of this, out of a feeling of being uncomfortable and ‘not knowing what to do with it’, turning myself towards males who are not giving attention at all but walk out in and as self-interest, although their intention is ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust on intention – which is in and as the mind – instead of on practical daily interaction and physical proof.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like all the poo on the floor, the night before she died, which I used as a reason for putting her in her own space with some wood before it for that evening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get distracted by the poo on the floor that became more that evening and thinner, and reactions in myself on this as being dirty and not hygienic, and within this going into control in and as the mind and within this, not listening to Roos, asking for my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like getting overwhelmed when the house gets too dirty, and at the same time having difficulties with pushing myself to clean it all up, and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting overwhelmed by myself in and as the mind with no physical moove anymore as cleaning up the house, within and as an experience of it as ‘being too much’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that the thoughts and reactions in and as the mind, is what is getting me really dirty and not some poo on the floor in the house which I can clean up afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable as it ‘being too much’ to clean up all the dirt in and as the mind, and so fear getting overwhelmed by it, and from that being unble to physically move, and so instead of stopping the dirt in and as the mind, in and as reactions, I suddenly start controling the dirt on the ground in the house, existing in and as fear that otherwise it will never stop and so become too much for me, which is a projection of experiences of myself in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experiences in and as the mind, on the physical existance, and within this, controling life in and as self-expression in and as the physical.

*

So far for today.

I will walk the point of lonelyness / fulfillment and specialness / making relationships personal in blogs to come, as well as self-commitment statements.

PENTAX Image

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Day 374 – How Every Breath Counts

(written sunday evening – uploaded on monday)

This week I faced a point of how every breath counts, and how a decision of ‘not being here for a moment’ can harm another life. As in this specific moment I decided to not be here for Roos the quinea pig, who was persistant asking for my attention, and I misinterpreted this, which was because I was not here but instead in the mind in and as an experience of ‘not now for a moment’ (‘nu even niet’). Last months we had build a relationship in trust, and when she came to me walking in the kitchen, I took her, or I walked with her and gave her one more piece of food, things like that. This evening it went on and on and I suddenly decided that ‘it was enough’ for a moment after all the intense care-taking for the animals and their physical condition last weeks; I became irritated by her poo that was laying in the house and was becoming a little more thin, and for the rest, actually for no specific reason. So I took her back several times, and when she did not stay in her place, I put some wood before it. Even then she was making some noise to get my attention, I registrated this but ignored this, seeing this as a way to let her become quiet (which is actually turned around, as I should become quiet in this). She suddenly jumped in the hay, and became quiet. And I became quiet as ‘satisfied’ too. I decided for one time not to check on her, as I ‘did not want to start it all over again’.

Next morning, Roos was lying on her back in the hay, very cold, not able to move. She was barely alive and I took her out and gave her a more comfortable place.  And suddenly the whole picture became clear. She wanted to get my attention because she was going to die (she was old and I knew this was coming some day). And I ignored this somehow. Slowly this dripped into my mind, how I was not here for her, how I ignored listening to her for several reasons/reactions inside myself, in and as patterns in the mind. How through this, I missed out seeing if she needed some assistance, to lay down comfortable, and I missed out her expression in that moment. Maybe I would not have understood that she was going to die, but we could have sit together for a moment and I could have seen if she needs assistance. She did exactly what she always did to get my attention, only more prominent and persistant, as this is what we build trust in, what she could trust me on, that I would listen to her, as I did all the time. However in this crucial moment, that she could perhaps not take care of herself anymore and may have needed some assistance, or just only wanted to express herself for the last time to me, I looked away; I looked in and as the mind instead of looking to Roos in and as her physical expression.

It is not acceptable to miss a moment of breathe; one cannot be trusted if one miss moments of breathe. It seems a very small point which can be questioned as ‘my interpretation’, but I notice in myself that this is a crucial point that has different patterns related in it, and it’s a confrontation with and as myself, a face to face with who I am and who I am not in every moment. I cannot yet be trusted as life, and Roos has suffered from this; and I am suffering from this, and so everyone is suffering from this.

Roos would have died anyway the same day, that is not the point. The point is a deliberate decision of not being here for a moment to listen unconditionally to who has placed/is placing trust in me and is asking for my attention.

There are, as I mentioned, patterns in it, and I will walk through this patterns one by one to become responsible for this points within myself so that I can correct myself in this and stand up in this, to become trustworthy, every day a little more.

(Note – afterwards I see that i made a decision ‘to let her for a while’ out of knowledge and information; and within this I was believing I was doing the right thing, and so approached her and the situation in and as knowledge and information, and within this, these patterns were all going to play a part, and I was not able to approach her physically and so missed an important point/moment in and as support, for myself and for Roos. I will walk this also in another blog, it may be in Dutch again).

Roos gave me a very tough lesson in this, just as her mother did when she died. Everytime an animal that I take care of, dies, I face points in myself that need correction, that are very deep down rooted in myself, and that I do not really want to see and so ignore, which leads to the ignorance of life. As shown in this event. These two quinea pigs were really prominent in this. Which could have been different when I am here, in and as breath, in every moment, in and as the physical instead of in and as the mind, constricted in patterns. Which is only possible if I totally face myself as who I am, who I have become. Because if I do not face myself in the darkest night, I will not be able to change myself, which will always lead to harm as ignorance of another life and/as life in general.

I feel like I can mourn about this over and over again, but this will not change anything, not for Roos, not for me, not for anyone and so this will not be of assistance to life. I only compromise my own body in this, as I feel I am already doing. In this event of her death, Roos gave me the opportunity to really see how every breath counts and what the consequenses are of not being here in every moment because of being constricted in the patterns of the mind. And it’s up to me to decide Who I am in this; am I giving in into emotions and regret, or am I standing up and transform it into a gift of life? Am I accepting the gift of life that she is giving me with her life and that I ignored right before she died? Am I really stopping myself in and as self-interest as reactions so that I do not feel the need anymore to stop as control the expression of life?

Thank you Roos for living with me. I really enjoyed it.

Related blogs:

Inconsideration & Consequence

Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

Two Dutch blogs about Roos:

Dag 373 – Roosje is dood – feiten en ervaring

For assistance in walking the mind-patterns:

Desteni-I-Process – Lite (free course)

Desteni-I-Process-Pro

Walking in self-support with a buddy is really a support to stand up in the process of facing self in self-honesty.
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PENTAX Image
PENTAX Image
Roos (brown) en Vrouwke Bep (her mother)
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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/