Dag 818 – What is underneath?

I was rereading my previous blog about patience – and I see I am slowly moving into a deeper level. I do not have a weekly blog writing at the moment; this due to time and many practical things that needed and still need to be done; however what I also and mainly see is that I am very much searching what to write about, where I am within me and how to define this, how to bring this into words. Some things I would like to firstly walk before I share it, to not compromise my own process by sharing too fast, before I am ready and clear within myself. Some things I can share along the way but it takes some time as I am walking it in physical reality and it only goes as fast as I go and walk through or open things up within myself.

What I do come into is seeing how under the impatience that I wrote about in the previous blog, there is a point that I actually have not allowed myself to admit, as that I am the cause, let’s say my starting-point – so who I am within the starting-point, is what I need to reconsider, forgive and change. So who I am within this, is causing me to create painful experiences and from here, creating a sadness as an energetic source for my mind consciousness system to generate energy from and keep cycling in it as an endless energy source, until I have totally worn myself out.

Here I need to admit that my approach was a default approach for almost all my life, so I actually wasted a lot of time and energy – physical energy, sourced from my physical body, into my mind, to use as entertainment or distraction in a way – that I could have used much more effectively to build something constructive. However that is easy to speak when looking back, as this is actually how the whole world is build on default, to generate energy and exhaust, worn out the physical resources, living from a mind’s perspective – where the mind turns everything around.

We get it reflected as results in our physical reality, we see it – I see it as the results are not what I would like it to be or what I see as my utmost potential, yet still I am recreating it – until I admit, that I myself am at fault, I have ‘build in’ my failure so to speak from the start, in and as my starting-point. Trying and trying and believing that it ‘has to be possible also on ‘my way’, where I am actually refusing or hesitating to give up on some idea or desire that I hide behind. Because when I give up this idea or desire, I open up a new area that I have never been or walked in before, so it is quite new and undefined and so it may feel uncomfortable because it is new, unknown and so it can not feel comfortable in and as my mind, because I have never walked it.

Besides that it feels uncomfortable, I expect some emotional painful experiences behind it as the reason why I closed off this area within and as myself however, to not ‘hold on’ to this expectation as if ‘it must be there’ and to keep ‘searching’ for it, but to simply allow myself to be here and ready for myself when something may open up, to allow myself to open up what is underneath.

As what I have seen before is what has caused some emotional pain, is also again coming from a (often copied) default system and from here, thinking and believing that ‘I did it all so wrong’ where there is often / mostly a point of innocence within it as well, of simply ‘not knowing’ or ‘never having learned how to do it’. But, this first step of admitting to myself that I am hiding behind some default patterns, that is a created ego-point that is up to me myself, to open up and move beyond. The door is open as they say; I need to decide if I walk into the depth of myself.

I believe that this is the hardest nut that we all need to crack and open up, this admitting to oneself that one was at default all the while – not by theory, as the theory is quite easy to grasp, but really seeing it within self, where and how holding on to the ego-point is keeping the door closed.

Still quite general – in time to come I will see if I can describe it more defined and example related.

Here the need comes up from inside myself to really forgive myself although I do yet even know where or how exactly – here I start with what I have written and often I then end up more specific:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself closed off from myself, to keep believing that ‘my way’ should be possible as well, although the results keep showing me a lesser outcome than the potential that I see existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a default programming that I copied, activated and lived for many many years, out of a desire that I have accepted and allowed as my goal, as something to reach, as something that I ‘should be able to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to revenge as in not admitting that my way is the default way and that I need to reconsider and adapt my approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to open up a deeper layer within myself, out of revenge that I never ever want another to see this depth within me again, not seeing, realizing and understanding how I compromise myself as well and that I then also not will see this depth within me – the depth as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself off from the depth as me as a point of revenge of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame all and everything that this depth within and as me is hidden and locked in, when all the while, I made a decision to close off and lock in myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to ‘find’, that I am not enough, that me simply here is not enough and that ‘there is more’ that I can reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the ‘more as me’ as depth within and as myself as life and instead and because of this ‘missing out of me’, keep reaching out, searching for, forcing myself and what more, outside myself, in and as my mind, thinking and believing that ‘this is it’ because ‘it feels so good’ so this must be it, otherwise it would not feel so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of missing of something that feels so good, start believing that I need to have that too when all the while, this ‘feeling good‘ is not what it is about but more I did not have an example of how to connect and express myself, in and as the depth that is me, all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings, as something to reach, when all the while, I created this feelings as a way out of the misery of emotional suppression within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘self-hate’ in not being effective and then start living this out indirectly – so within creating dis-comforts within my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body to live out my suppressed emotions and then starting to use my physical discomfort as an excuse to not move myself beyond this self-created veil as a physical manifested barrier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am ‘too much’ when being me, when sharing freely and then looking in the mirror, as if I look not good enough to freely express myself, as if I ‘need to look good’ to allow myself to express myself from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let looks overrule my being within and as myself and use this as an excuse to not open up and share myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘look better’ than another to ‘feel better’ than another, not seeing, realizing and understanding how it here starts working against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘do it better than my parents’ in certain area’s and here, separating myself from the copied systems within myself as ‘what I judged’ and so actually weakening and imprisoning myself within what I have separated myself from at first, from what I have judged without and so suppressed within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own excuses as if I need to look good to share myself unconditionally where this ‘looking good’ I then have copied in my teenage years as ‘how I want to look’, as a way out to ‘do it better’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that the starting-point here is actually revenge and so it will backfire towards me, sooner or later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself, the life within me, to a mind’s idea of how I should look, created when the sex-system has been activated and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly submit myself as to how and what I think that a male would like from me, which I believe is having sex – when actually it is what I want and project on the male, not knowing how else to connect with a male and on which level, because I have closed off from my self in that depth within me and so actually using sex as a default-way to connect with the depth of / within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically submit myself to how I think what a man would like, when actually I submit myself to the sex-system within a man activated that is even stronger in many cases than in women / females, however when and as I submit myself to my own believes and weakness within this – out of a starting-point of revenge of wanting to do / be better – I at the same time submit to and even strengthen the system within a male as well, with all the disastrous consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the male when all the while, I activate, underline, confirm and even strengthen the sex-system within a male by chasing after an idea, created within my own activated sex-system as a ‘way out’ of the misery / suppression within.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my own ideas, desires, activations within and as myself and the point of revenge / separation / judgement within this, created in and as the activated sex-system at teenage years – to be walked through in real time, step by step, breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness, as the only and ultimate correction in and through real time and to check, forgive and correct myself with the reference of the results that I see as reflections arising in my daily life.

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Dag 814 – Discovering self-will

I was looking at a point within me that I reacted within and at how to direct myself in it; or actually I was feeling quite desperate in how to direct myself in it. So I was in some kind of turmoil with back-chat coming up, me observing the inner movements for a moment.

At some point I asked myself the question: “Who do I want to be? (in it all)”.

This calmed me down and a clear answer came up within me of who I want to be within this specific point, as well inside myself as living it in my outside world. What I did see is that I never really asked myself the question in this way. It was mostly coming up as ‘what is best to do’ or ‘what should I do’ and I did see within this a ‘must’ or ‘should’ existing without considering my own self-will. Who do I want to be?

I was reading a blog afterwards from Carlton; he has these flowing blogs full of common sense, it reminds me of a very well speaking priest but then with words taken back to self – anyway, one sentence I laid my eye on: (…) if self-will is lost so is our will to live (because we’ve become so depressed about the way we feel) (…).

That did make sense to me and I see this as the missing within myself, my self-will being lost; actually if I am looking in my own writing here above, describing how this ‘who do I want to be’ first time coming up within me within awareness – actually never considering my self-will but considering so much other factors as the leading example of who I should be, what I must do, what is best etc. Here I did see my ‘will to live’ being lost – not giving into this and keeping on searching for ‘that more’, which eventually lead me to Desteni – however I did not yet before connect this to the lost of self-will.

Here to take into consideration that with self-will, I really mean SELF-will and not a mind-desire that I have channeled myself into as the leading factor. This immediately shows actually why and how it is that I lost my self-will, I lost myself within somewhere, somehow and channeled myself into many dimensions in/as my own mind consciousness system. It takes time to unravel all of it and discover my Self and Self-will.

With ‘I don’t want that’ I certainly do not mean the same as ‘I don’t feel like it’ – where the last is often used as an excuse to not do something that we experience resistance towards. As long as there are emotions and/or feelings involved and resistance is experienced, it is actually ‘the place where we must be’ and will ourselves towards the self-willed movement.

You will will yourself” is one of Bernards quote’s I remember clearly. As moving into and as what is best for all will not come ‘naturally’ and so I need to will myself first and foremost to this point of self-will. Where the self and the will comes together with all the ‘selves’ in a way, as the life existing within each and every living being. If I do what is best for mySelf as Life, I do what is best for All Life. It’s One and Equal. That’s how I see it. I knew this in theory from the beginning of walking Desteni I Process, however being able to see it within and as myself takes time. I keep repeating this with every self-integration of a living principle that I write about, as I find this a very important difference. I start with something, somewhere that makes sense to me (often gathering the knowledge and information) and then I investigate it until I can see, word and live it one and equal, within and without. or even vice versa like I sense something within me that I can not yet explain and then with gathering the knowledge and information I can integrate it as some effective self-support. With Many phases here within.

These are only a few examples of the layers that I find within the words will, want and self-will. It is actually the same as with the layering of self-forgiveness that I do see deepening in understanding through time. I started with (8 years ago) really unraveling the format ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to’ where I was looking at ‘who is forgiving who?’ and investigating this until I did become more familiair with it. However also this morning a deeper dimension opened up – after opening up the self-will – of the application of self-forgiveness. Every time a little bit closer to self and self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my self-will in what I want and how can I consider another if I not even consider myself truly and deeply?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to look at the dark dimensions within me and so not coming to a real deep self-forgiveness and so not coming to self and self-will in who I really want to be within it all, considering it all within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself away from new perspectives and real consideration in and as self-will, by suppressing the dark side of the the moon so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that without the dark side of the moon, there is no full moon possible either as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to consider what another want without considering what I want in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from ‘I should and I must’ instead of from ‘I will’ – here not to mean that I have something against the words ‘must and should’ as many thing do need to happen, if we want it or not, however I tend to use ‘I should and must’ as a replacement of ‘I will’ and so I never reach my self-will as long as I should and must from myself, where at the same time I become very exhausted from the force in should and must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very exhausted from what I must and should, without reaching my will in and as self, where in I do sense myself and my will, however I keep circling around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to circle around my self-will by avoiding the deep dark nasty things, not wanting to admit this to myself, thinking and believing that, feeling like ‘I do not have a right to exist anymore if I admit this to myself’ when actually it is the opposite and as long as I do not admit the dark within and as myself in it’s existence, this ‘I do not have a right to exist’ is what keeps moving me on deeper levels and so, I keep forcing myself in ‘I should and I must’ because I already ‘do not have a right to exist’ and so, I most ‘prove’ in a way that I am ‘exist-worth’.

I commit myself to consider, embrace, open up and self-forgive the dark side within and as myself, to while ongoing and eventually coming, to a point of self-attention, self-compassion and self-warmth, in who I am and where I am in my process and location-point in and towards self-responsibility, where from here, I will be much more willing and able to share this as myself with another and approaching another within and as the self as who they are and where they are in their process and location-point, considering me and them and us as a whole, in kindness and softness, yet firm and clear in what I accept and allow (Dutch) and what not, as who I want to be and become in every moment of breath.

Here my own self-commitment affects me, ‘using the words to work for me’ in what is possible – as another supportive suggestion from Bernard about how to write the self-commitments: let the words work for you.


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Uil forgive

Dag 811 – How is blame a form of self-manipulation?

Within a conversation and after a group-chat, I did become aware that I do not see how and that blame is a form of self-manipulation. I mean, I do understand forms of self-manipulation within and as myself and in theory, I understand that behind everything that we do that is not aligned with what is best, there is actually self-manipulation active, because if we would directly speak and live as what is best for all – so including ourselves – there is no manipulation of self and / as others existing or needed; we are then here, stable, in and as life.

But, to understand something in detail and within and as myself; this is a different story than seeing the truth as common sense in a theory or knowledge and information only. So, here I would like to have a deeper look at how blame, exist as self-manipulation as well. Because if I do not realize, see and understand this within and as myself, I will react in subtle ways to ‘blame’ and misunderstand it (and so I fear / judge it) as something that is ‘done towards another’ or ‘done towards me’ as a starting-point, when the starting-point in and as self-manipulation is bringing the blame back to self. Where I then can do something about it.

Let’s start with some self-forgiveness and see what opens up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that blame directed towards me, is really connected to me, when actually it has nothing to do with me – other than what my reaction is towards the situation and projection in and as blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when someone is blaming me for something, even when I cannot find myself anything doing ‘wrong’ but a small mistake that is behind it and within feeling guilty, I am making myself part of the dance of ‘being blamed’ and so ‘being hold responsible for’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and / as others for small mistakes and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of moving myself into some form of (self-)support, I follow the blame and circle myself back into and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself responsible for what another is blaming me for and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold another responsible for what I am blaming (hidden or not) another for and so I am still placing myself in a interconnected position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and so that I do not need to blame myself for anything related to this and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that I cannot be hold responsible for anything outside myself.

Here to mention that this is about perfection as trying to meet other’s standards, outside myself, which is not the same as walking in and towards self-perfection, where in I commit myself to be and become the best version of myself in and as self-honesty and current location-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be misunderstood and so, to be ‘unforgiven’ and so ‘blamed’ for, where in I then in and as this fear, I am keeping myself in this entanglement, finding myself ‘trying to explain myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it almost impossible to make a move that may be misunderstood and so, I do a. not move or b. stay low / keep quiet or c. move in silence / invisible or d. over-explain myself and then if and when not understood, I tend to Not make the move and instead, move into and as my mind and start doubting myself, waiting for approval from the outside as a ‘green light’ to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to ‘missing information’ and becoming fanatic and pushing within what I do see, when actually I only would like to receive and understand the missing piece so that I can be clear and stable in what I do see, as a part and as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘blame the blame and / or blamer’ in subtle ways and within this, keep cycling in the point of blame within and as myself in doing exactly that what I blame and so locking myself in.

Then, what also opened up, is a message and video of Gian, referring to 2020 as the point of No return, meaning, the equal money or global basic income should be opening up to be placed in as a point of no return, in whether we are going to make it or not as humanity on this earth.

(message Gian: “I made this video 8 years ago, and it stated the year 2020 for a reason. There was discussions about EMS being implimented by then and if not we will be too late as humanity on this earth to change anything in the realms of how much consequences we will face on this earth, I made the video under the instruction of Bernard. What was also clear was that it might not be Equal Money System as we promote it but through someone else in a little different way, like UBI and Andrew Yang and what he is promoting. We now have the Amazon Rainforests burning at alarming rates and a sign of humanity not changing course at all, 2020 was assessed back then as being the point of no return if we do not turn in a way that if forward for life on this planet by 2020.”)

Well, this seems like a whole other point, however for me it touched to ‘zero point’ within myself, in the sense that I see, realize and understand the state of the world and humanity without making it anymore beautiful and I would like to make peace with this view. Not to ‘give up’ but to embrace it all, inside and outside, as it shows the deepest saddest thing as how far away we are all from ourselves in and as life, inside and outside and an important aspect of this is the ‘blame-game’, where almost everyone is pointing fingers in some way, mostly because the mechanisms in and as the mind, are not understood for what it is and so as how it exists within myself: blame is not seen as a form of self-manipulation and so not seen as something that is harming / manipulating self first and foremost – same inside same outside.

I do feel a bit nervous when writing this down, as in ‘am I allowed to name it as this as how it is?’. Which shows a form of self-manipulation as well. To shut myself down. To ‘fear’ myself away actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself away for the truth deeply within and without and so hiding until the point of no return.

Somehow we do believe that there is ‘always a way’ and that there is no such thing as ‘no return’. Here I have lived this in my personal life, in and as a misconception of love, where I / we did past the point of no return and no matter how I keep searching within myself, I do not see a way to ‘return to’ with one another and if and when there is a way, it would be complete self-responsibility in and as oneself as ‘the only way’. And even here it would not mean ‘a return’ to how it was but actually a return back to self.

So here, the solution that I do have an influence on at small scale, so within my reach, is to keep pushing myself to the point of self-responsibility for all that exists within me and if every one is eventually doing this – one plus one plus one – we exist in and as self-responsibility as a whole, in and as life, with no one left behind. And, to make this possible for everyone, we do need such thing as an UBI as some form of an equal money system, to give every one an equal opportunity to walk out of the survival mode, into and as life, in and as self-responsibility.

It also makes sense to me to what Cerise did point out within a picture of my face, looking at my facial expression (as some kind of supportive group-action-point that week), where she mentioned something as ‘not yet ready to embrace humanity as a whole’ which I do see related to this misunderstanding of blame as self-manipulation, within and without, as in still ‘blaming humanity’ in a way. Which of course I did understand in and as common sense as that I project something from myself ‘on humanity’; as if I am not part of it and I did ‘feel it showing in my face’ as well, so I found it quite striking and very observant from her, however as I mentioned, it only makes sense when seeing, realizing and understanding it inside and as myself in a way that I can open it up, embrace, forgive and change.

So far for today and I will see how this topic opens up more in time to come, into and as self-understanding.

In Memory of the animals that died in the recent fires but no one cares 💔

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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 809 – The point of control

Continuing with self-forgiveness on Dag 808 – Zero point

For who is not familiair with the application of self-forgiveness: the self-forgiveness may sound ‘heavy’ and dark and what more, however with putting all the heavy, dark secret / hidden patterns in self-forgiveness I am actually deleting the heavyness and secretness and so, creating space to something new and aligned to life. So this ‘heavyness’ is not ‘who I am’ but actually, in this way I am making space to birth myself into life . Breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so disappointed about the endings, the non-continuations, the start-overs with regards to partner relationships, where in friendships I am very stable and consistent and hardly anxious about an ending, as I do not see this ‘ending’ and when they do, it does not so much trigger emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulties to find what to bring in self-forgiveness here and rather give in the urge to take some rest and lay down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it ridiculous to actively create an opportunity for a sharing-ship and rather ‘let it happen’ when it is here and otherwise let it be, when what is remarkable, that when I for example want to expand in my job-area, I do actively plan courses, lessons, input etc – hmmm what I see now is that here I also not do this and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to actively open myself up and make myself visible to the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to stand for what I would like to create and stick my head out of the corn field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if it is needed to actively make myself visible or that I can just make myself ready on an inner level and when an opportunity may open up, I then am able to respond and investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a self-sabotaging pattern as an excuse to not actively make myself visible and keep myself in the passively position of inner preparation, which in itself is not a bad thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only bring in what is absolutely needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amputate, to withdraw myself from life in a certain area and within doing so, amputating myself from life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amputate myself from life (and) to not feel anything anymore for real.

Opening up another dimension a few days later:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like breaking into 1000 pieces by facing the one thing that I had not implied and that determined my past relationship and basicely all past relationships, as in that I go into ‘managing’ the relationship in which I make it invisible in what another is bringing in, in what I really want as potential to create and what is realistic and possible within it all as a sharing-ship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this one point serious and use it as a point of control, to not face essential moments of letting go and experiences of loss and so, blow it up and out of perspective, which makes it bigger and bigger and more and more difficult to let go, because already so much ‘energy’ is invested and physical labour as well and connections on all levels are made (mind-being-body) which makes it emotional much more challenging and painful to face the missing piece / point and let go eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to create a huge experience of loss for myself in order to face this way of control within me that already from the beginning, sabotages a (potential) relationship.

Two weeks of time has been passed between these two blogs; where in I along the way, let it become ready within myself to open up and bring about a point that I find essential for myself to integrate and actively letting go as a point of control. Actively meaning that I need to be and become aware of myself going into this control and then actively change myself in the moment, as it will not ‘change by itself’ after the realization of it only.

I did read many modern relationship advises and advertisements of courses about relationships, as in for example ‘being a modern siren’ and what this entails. This brought me to finding – or more finally admitting – the mistake within myself with regards to my approach of a (potential) relationship / sharing ship. To not make all these modern advertisements and courses an absolute truth and spend a lot of money on it – as I already am walking the Desteni I Process for my process of self-realization and birthing myself as life from the physical and honestly I do not see a more complete approach of everything that is here than what Desteni is providing and including all dimensions – but to integrate that what is pointed out in life of today, that calls my attention, so to use what is here within my own process as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see something is not totally aligned within me and my approach, yet time after time, ignoring it in a way and calling it ‘innosence’ as if it can not do any harm, as if it’s too small, as if it’s okay and many other justifications within myself, where in the end, the seemingly small becomes extremely big and controling myself and my life as a whole if I do not step in and stop myself actively and changing direction; stepping into self-direction.

As how Bernard used to say ‘let someone go after their bliss’ and eventually it will blow up in our face as it did within myself.

I also see clearly how I / we cannot force another to see or admit something inside self, as I do not see how much a point is integrated and as I experience within myself, is that I needed a year to unravel this before I could clearly see and admit a mistake as a point of control (and the whole process took 7-9 years of actively walking to where I am now). As it is so integrated within my physical body that it needs time to des-integrate, otherwise I would physically collapse. And so this works for everyone in this way.

Then, a few days later again, what I see within myself is that when eventually, the ‘big’ is walked through and brought back to the one small point, it is actually a point and not more or less, to investigate, self-forgive and correct myself in. Where it looks like ‘what was all the fuzz about’; why is it so difficult to let something go that I really wanted and preferred to be different than what it is? Where this is easy to way when looking back and also easy to say from a point of knowledge. However walking through all dimensions, it takes time. Because it feels like ‘dying’ which actually is happening (and needs to happen) on a mind-level and because I made this my reality, a lot of fear is included. And we know what the biggest control is: fear.

And, the ‘fuzz’ is about how I separated myself from a point in and as myself that in essence, I did not effectively bring into self-expression and so it did start leading ‘a life of it’s own’.

To be continued


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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 807 – Embracing disappointment

After the writing of my last blog I looked some more days – up to a few weeks, in the experience of disappointment as it was still here with me every day. At one time I noticed in myself how I could immediately embrace it and then, what would happen is that some layer behind this experience, could open up. I noticed that through not opening up myself for this experience of disappointment to come in, I am ‘holding on’ to what is behind it and so I do not need to ‘let this go’ in a way.

So can I then say that I am only ready to embrace the experience of disappointment when and as I am ready to let go what is behind it that I am holding onto? Or can I actively support myself in embracing the experience of disappointment and from here, I get a better view on that what is hiding or stored behind it and so I can then support myself in this as well to do what is best for myself? It probably works both ways: actively embracing the experience of disappointment without forcing or trying to open up what may hiding behind.

Actually when I did come to this embracing of disappointment and opening up what is behind it in letting it go (forgiving myself in it) – The daily ‘presence’ of this experience of disappointment disappeared.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the experience of disappointment and within this, resisting a part of myself and so disconnecting myself from myself in which I then enlarge the experience of disappointment from this disconnection from myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself caught in an experience of disappointment en enlarging the separation / disconnection from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comfort myself with an experience of disappointment, as a kind of safe bubble around me.

Does this relate with what Bernard once told me, that I use the experience of sadness as a reward? I will leave this as a question for myself as an opening to come to an answer through time, in really seeing it within myself, as at the moment what I see is the word ‘comfort’ as kind of safety around me, which can function as a reward as well theoretically, because energy is energy, so surely I should have started using it as a kind of energy reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get myself caught in an energetic reward system that is unknowingly functioning as a limitation system, feeling like ‘I am not coming over this’ and so cycling in an energetic experience of sadness and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comfort myself with limiting emotional experiences like sadness and disappointment which on very deep levels, come together in / as a state of resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I feel disappointed or sad, hold myself and eventually speak from a starting-point of resentment and so resonating / bringing forward resentment and so what I may expect to be triggered is…resentment in another as well, especially when the experience of disappointment has not been embraced and openend up to and one is directly going into resentment as kind of protection to not experience disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to resentment as long as I am not willing / able to embrace the experience of disappointment and so what I keep creating in my life, are situations that reflect the hidden layer of resentment which may bring related experiences as hate and revenge.

Self-commitments:

When and as I notice an experience of disappointment within myself passing by, I stop and breathe. I realize that I need to take a moment to embrace the experience and so I commit myself to embrace myself in the experience of disappointment and to comfort myself in it so that I can heal, unite myself with this disconnected piece within and as myself and to open up what I may be holding on to underneath the experience of disappointment.

When and as I see a form of resentment in the background within me, as a kind of ‘hard wall’ somewhere deep inside, I stop and breathe. I realize that there may be an experience of disappointment within me that I have not yet embraced and so, I commit myself to take a moment to breathe and embrace myself unconditionally and see where or what the disappointment is related to and then bring this piece back to myself as a part of me.

When and as I see a reflection in my environment of some one directly living out resentment towards me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I may hold on to a resentment as well, related to the person and / or the situation that reflect on some memory within me and so, I commit myself to stop, to breathe and to find what or who I feel disappointed about, to bring it back to myself as a piece of me and as a projection of a self-disappointment towards another or a situation and embracing myself in it unconditionally, to open up what is laying / hiding underneath.

Embracing Self by Bernard Poolman


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Uil forgive

Dag 788 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of neutrality

For context see Dag 787 – The experience of neutrality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try to keep and/or bring myself back to a state, an experience of neutrality as ‘everything will be alright’ within and as myself and everytime that some internal or external stimulus is triggering me, I am reacting within an experience of fear and so, keeping myself in a constant experience of fear, for being moved out this state of neutrality as ‘the me that I feel confortably in’ or, an experience of fear when I have moved out of this state because of reacting to an internal or external stimulus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually not in one moment, be relaxed in and as myself, in and as my physical body but constantly existing in an experience or almost state of fear or anxiety of ‘not being who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then use this as an enslavement to adrenaline, in and as my mind consciousness system, to continuously generate energy within me, by existing in and as an experience or state of fear or anxiety and from here, looking for acceptance as and experience of ‘love’ as the opposite of fear, when this experience is then only enlarging the experience of fear, because I can loose this experience as well, as long as it is not based in and as self-acceptance of who I am, who I have become and within the commitment of doing the best I can to move myself and the relationships I participate in, to an outcome that is best for myself and others in and as ‘life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite lost in this experience or state of fear and circling in and around it within and as myself, in a constant experience of ‘being in a hurry’ and ‘feeling not good enough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of fear and so keeping myself inable to look at the fear and start seeing it for what it is, so that I can support myself to ground myself in and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change something, myself and the relationships internal and external, while I am still coming from this startingpoint as inner experience or state of fear (of loosing this neutral experience actually as that I feel confortably in) and so the outcome of my attempts, is still resonating fear, instead of direct seeing in common sense.

So here I realize that to be able change, I need to be willing to give up this experience of neutrality within and as me, otherwise I am only walking in cycles in and as fear – from fear to a moment of comfortability which still contains a fear in it as fear of loosing this comfortability again – and so, keeping myself prissoned in this experience or state.

I commit myself to, when and as an experience of fear is coming up, to not react in fear but to support myself in looking at the fear, by looking at the energy and seeing how it moves within my body, by recognizing it as ‘fear’ instead of reacting to it, where from here I can see if I can more specificely define how I really experience myself within and as this ‘fear’, if there are other emotions or even feelings related, as a start to ground myself within where and who I am in this moment.

I commit myself to stand by and with myself in this process, to make peace with the uncomfortability, the misalignments, the friction, the mistakes, the hesitations, resistances, dissatisfactions coming up within me, as a part of moving myself towards an alignment in who I am deep inside as a being and who I only can be in this physical reality, if I as this being am moving myself to come through within and as my physical body, by walking through all the discomforts and frictions that I have accepted and allowed within and as myself to exist, in and as this experience of neutrality that holds the fear ‘dormant’ and so myself within and to keep walking and moving, altough I may ‘not want it’ in many moments.

I commit myself to be gentle with myself in this process, as in gentle but firm, as in understanding yet moving through, step by step, breath by breath and to do take moments in between to relatively ‘relax’ as in doing things that I like.

To be continued

What is Process? – Back to Basics


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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 787 – The experience of neutrality

(…)

“And so – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all my relationship-experiences to be defined within/as the categories of either “positive/negative/neutral” all of which originate from the starting-point of “experience” as I “experience” positivity/negativity/neutrality – when in/as substance as equality and oneness, my standing With all as me is not based within experience or categorized within positivity/neutrality/negativity because I in fact Am all as me in equality and oneness, which is not an “experience” it’s a living/beingness standing. In this, I have accepted and allowed myself to create/manifest my relationship-lines within/as energy as “experience” to/towards all as me as either “positive/negative/neutral”. Equal-to and One-with the World-System as Money’s relationship to/towards humanity – categorized within experiences / as living physical experiences of human beings with the “Positive” as those with the most Money/more than they require, “Neutral” as those of humanity that live comfortably with Money that have enough and “Negative” as those of humanity with little to no money at all.”

(…)

From: Day 6: How did we Create Relationships of Positivity/Neutrality?Negativity?

I am noticing within myself how I am constantly trying to bring myself in a ‘state’ of neutral energy, that where I feel ‘comfortable’ in and safe and relaxed in a way. That experience that I ‘know’ as ‘everything will be alright’. And I am doing this automatically, so I am/was not really aware that I am/was doing this. I did notice how I was everytime again trying to move myself to this state and then relax for a moment, thinking and believing that this is where I ‘need to be’ but I was not aware of the fact that this ‘state’ is not ‘who I am’ or should be or where I should be. It is merely creating an experience of constant fear within me; fear of loosing this state of experience and reacting to all and everything that is interrupting this energetic state.

I recognize this as the ‘neutral’ energy state that Heaven’s Journey to Life has written blogs about in the beginning. A neutral state that we all create within our subconscious mind and related to family and how we grow up – well from what I understand of it in a simple way. So it is not the ‘neutral’ of ‘being here’ and not reacting, but actually an energetic state between the positive and negative that ‘seems’ like ‘this is me’. But this is really to question and merely something I move around subconsciously (and from what I now realize while reading the blog of Day 6 – related to how I grow up living comfortably with having enough money to live from – interesting).

I found this a very interesting realization, because it gives a tool for myself to stop the constant experience of fear. What I notice in this realization, is that I do not need to react to so many things in a subtile way and that I do not need to live in an experience of constant fear, if I stop trying to attain this neutral energetic state; then actually all these outer and inner stimuli, do not need to disturb me. Because I do not have to ‘loose’ anything or ‘try to go somewhere’ and this creates much more space to look into myself and into the stimuli and how to move myself within this all.

I notice here that I choose to use the word ‘move myself’ instead of ‘direct myself’ and that I experience resistance on the word ‘directing’ so that is something to investigate within/for myself.

This realization doesnot mean that everything is now solved (and also this does not mean that ‘I can live without money’ or something because we all in this world as how it exists today, need the money to create a life for ourselves and each other), altough this seems so for a moment when this realization takes place. I now have to actively apply myself according to this realization and remember myself for doing so and then moving through the more challenging moments.

In the next blog I will write some self-forgiveness on this and here already some self-forgiveness with a link to the blog of Day 6 in Heaven’s Journey to Life.

(…)

“And so – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the continuation of such relationships of positivity/neutrality/negativity throughout my existence without change – because when/as I would change such relationships, I have come to believe that who I am will cease exist, not realising/seeing/understanding that the illusion of me as Energy will cease to exist – but who I am as substance/equality and oneness remains/is here and always has been here. But I have separated myself from me as substance/equality and oneness to such an extent, that I have come to believe that all I am is Energy/Experience, and so continued existing as this belief and continued my relationships of positivity/neutrality/negativity to/towards all that is me to ensure my continued survival as the Energy/Experience I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become.

(…)

From: Day 6: How did we Create Relationships of Positivity/Neutrality?Negativity?


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive