Dag 763 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of worry

Continuing from Dag 762 – The word behind waiting with self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and get worried and to not want to face the fact as reality that there is actually something to ‘worry about’ because it is a problem and I do not want to face this because I fear my reaction to it when it happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘tiptoe around’ that what I actually see under the surface and to start worrying about when it comes up or when to opens it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill a ‘need’ within me and so, not wanting to see the problem that may stand in the way of fulfilling this need and so, I create the ‘need’ to start worrying about it because I somewhere, somehow know that it will come to the surface and play out and ‘break up’ between me and that what I want to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill that what I need within a way that seems ‘best for all’ where my starting-point is not yet clear, as long as I am dependent on what I want to fulfill and so, I create the opportunity to worry for myself within the certainty that one day, this what I worry about will take place and play out because under the surface, it is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that what I see in common sense and under the surface, will not take place, will somehow magically disappear or be solved in a way that I perhaps may have missed, where at the same time and within common sense I would be ‘quite surprised’ if it will not take place because this physical realm and life in it’s essence, follows certain ‘laws’ or ways that cannot be denied and how the mind consciousness system is build up in this, can also not be denied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hope’ that ‘the life within’ is already stronger than what I see with common sense and am aware of and so actually I am hoping for a miracle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘worry’ about not knowing what to do or how to step in or not step in at the moment that happens what I worry about and so I am actually worrying about ‘myself not directing myself’ in what I see that may assist and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to keep waiting or worry to not keep waiting and move on in a direction that I actually don’t want but that I feel like I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about me not having the influence that is needed or to not acting on the potential that I see that is needed and that I can or may have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having influence, out of fear of not directing myself and acting on what I see that may be the best thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in a ‘trial and error’ situation and to fear others as myself as well to get angry for this and at the same time, fearing others to get angry when what I do is not a mistake at all but triggering a reaction of resistance that is expressed towards me or even within me in and as myself as my own ‘backlash’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like moving through an invisible wall of a thick and densed cloud of resistance.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of worry, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am ‘waiting’ before that what I see that is under the surface, is coming up and that I at the same time, try to find ways to prefend it coming up, in a hope that it is not needed and that I do not need to go through the experience when and as it comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push the point that I see under the surface because I cannot stand within the experience of fear and worry for my own experiences when and as it comes to surface and so, I rather ‘have it now’ but at the same time, want to find a way that it doesn’t need to come up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push and pull towards that what I see under the surface and doing this within an experience of fear, worry and hope and at the same time, seeing that it is best and needed to come to the surface because then it is visible and so it can be forgiven and solved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and to blame others for consequences that I need to go through, as well that I think and believe that ‘others created’, where in I see now that the blame in itself is giving an experience of sadness and then me fearing the experience of sadness that comes up within the consequence, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this experience firstly within myself by going into blame towards others and then trying to ‘prevent’ the consequence to play out by opening it up on forehand, while I still speak within a subtile energy of blame and so the blame resonates within my words and behaviour where in I am actually creating the experience that I fear, namely ‘to be blamed’ for the consequence that opens up (which then brings up the experience of sadness).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be blamed for what I see, when I bring up what I see and so I tend to not voice myself about what I see, from where I more and more go into ‘blaming others’ for what I see happening but what I am not speaking about.

I commit myself to first clear myself from aspects of (subtile or hidden) blame before I voice myself about what I see and I commit myself to take responsibility for the consequences that I create or have created when and as I speak or have spoken or may speak in blame, by going back to the drawing-board within and as myself and looking at what I fear to experience when a consequence may play out (as what is needed to make things visible at the surface from the deep waters within), by forgiving myself for my part in it and by possibly supporting another when and as needed and within my capacity and stability as what is best for the live in it all to open up or ‘germinate’, within myself as others as well.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Advertenties

Dag 759 – Fear and expectations

In this video I investigate for myself what is involved in situations where I feel like or perceive that something is expected and then a fear coming up to give an answer or even getting stuck in being able to give an answer at all, and from here looking at a possible solution to start with for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my experiences coming up, when and as I perceive or feel that within a question, there is already an expectation of what I should answer or not and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from myself that I am able to directly see and do what is best in this moment, where I actually and maybe, am existing in within awareness of what is happening for the first time and so, I first need to see and lay out what aspects are involved within myself and within the situation as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand alone within giving an answer in what I see that is best for myself and so for the situation as a whole, in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not standing and not doing what is best in a moment of answering on a question that may or may not have an expectation in it, out of fear to ‘stand alone’ and to not be understood and forgiven for my stand in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall, out of fear of not being understood and forgiven in a moment and so actually, create my own fear as in not understanding and forgiving myself for allowing myself to fall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it about ‘being understand and forgiven’ by another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only ‘expect from myself‘ to forgive myself and from here, bring myself towards a solution that is best for myself and life as a whole in the future to come, when and as a similar situation may arise.

When and as I see myself going into blame towards myself about falling in a moment, in relation to answering a question that may or may not have an expectation in it, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there are aspects and layers within myself that I did not yet have investigated and so, I ‘live them out’ to make it visible for myself.

I commit myself to expect from myself that I pick up myself everytime I (may) fall, that I am willing to introspect, forgive and correct myself in the aspects that are existing within me that are not yet in consideration of myself and life as a whole and from here, being an example for others who are willing to hear and see or not yet but in time to come, in the best possible way and within my ability.

When and as I feel in a moment that within a question, there is already an expectation coming through and me going into fear, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can ask for some time to answer and that I do not need to answer ‘right now’.

I commit myself to take some time to calm myself down so that I will be better able to direct myself, my answer and so the situation as a whole in a more stable way and within consideration of what is best for myself ‘on long term’ and so for others on long term as well and if I am not able to do this, to not give an answer at all and voice myself in my inability to answer or respond in that moment.

A process to be continued

full_self-love-and-self-care-atlanteans-part-477

Self Love and Self care


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 757 – Different aspects of gentleness

     

Continuing on the previous blog about gentleness with the application of self-forgiveness on different aspects that I see within myself in relation to the word ‘gentle’:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it when someone is (in my experience) not gentle towards me and to judge it eather when I am not gentle to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be gentle with me because I will listen anyway and even more when someone is gentle and so I find it ‘not needed’ to not be gentle with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I don’t deserve it to be treated rude instead of gentle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that how another is treating me is defining me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I define myself within my reactions on a ‘not gentle treatment/approach’ and I don’t like the experience of my reaction and so suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘that I cannot accept this’ when someone is (in my experience) not gentle to me because I feel like ‘I cannot express myself’ in this and I don’t want to live in this suppressed state, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I first need to experience and within this, be able to see and define what it is that I suppress so that I can bring this back to myself in and as self-forgiveness as an opening in and as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot express myself when another is ‘not gentle’ towards me, which is true in a way if and when I am in reaction towards this and within this suppress myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my ‘gentle’ is the same as another one’s ‘gentle’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not want to be gentle myself in certain moments but still do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually wish and want me to be more direct, where in I see that I can now redefine the word direct into a directiveness within and as myself and so, it does not need to be ‘too confronting’ but can still be gentle, though directive as clear within my direction, first within myself within the naming and forgiving of myself in the uncomfortable state that I tend to go into in and as fear for how others speak to me and from here I can be directive though gentle within a situation with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I don’t have the right’ to direct a situation and to suppress the possibility of directing myself and so I go into judgement as fear when and as I find that another is not gentle towards me, because I think and believe that I am not able or allowed to do anything about it and from this fear, I become angry myself and so stop being gentle, as well towards myself and my own body as towards another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually react to my own thinking that I ‘cannot or am not allowed to do anything about it’ and so I think I have the option of ‘taking it or leaving’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my gentleness when I loose my direction / self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use gentleness as a protection-mechanism as of I am ‘innocent’ in a way because I am gentle and so within my gentleness, there is a hidden blame towards another who is ‘not gentle’ in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be superior by being gentle and to not show face of what I really experience inside myself, not even to myself actually so that I constantly suppress and miss myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a mask of gentleness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that all would be easier if everyone would be more gentle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to seduce the energy of the reactions within me with gentleness.

In general what I see is that we loose our ‘natural gentleness’ when and as we loose the direction within ourselves because we get lost in our emotions/feelings/reactions where even the most gentle character shows a different face. So gentleness would then be the self-expression of who I am in consideration of what is best for others/all involved, as then I am gentle with and as life as substance. So then it is more an application or expression of what is needed in the moment to bring about an outcome in alignment with and as life.

When and as another is, in my eyes and/or experience, not speaking in a gentle way towards/with me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I suppress my experiences as reaction in this moment from where I directly go into a defense-mechanism as that I ‘don’t want to be treated this way’.

I commit myself to first practise to stay more quiet and see within myself what comes up.

I commit myself to embrace what comes up in and as a reaction towards a (from my perspective) not gentle approach and to take time for and as myself to forgive myself and becoming stable again and so first learn and practise to be gentle with and as myself.

When and as I notice that I myself am not speaking in a gentle way (without an aware decision of doing so) , I stop myself from speaking for a moment and breathe.

I realize there is a reason within me for doing so as something that I have separated myself from that I need to investigate for myself.

I commit myself to breathe in, to breathe out and continue speaking in a more stable voice if possible and otherwise take a pause and continue later and I commit myself to take responsibility for my approach and way of speaking within self-forgiveness until I find the source of separation within/as myself (source as suppressed state or reaction or idea/belief that I have stored within myself somehow).

(So far for now as the computer keeps hanging all the time which makes it almost inpossible to write and move the mouse).

To be continued.

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 749 – 28. Learned a lot

This blog is related to record 28: Learned a lot

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ of ‘learning things’ and rather would like to start building something that is lasting and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not already building something because of walking through difficult patterns, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this goes hand in hand and so, ‘learning’ and ‘building’ can go together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘creating’ or ‘building’ is something nice and ‘learning’ in this context is mainly difficult and challenging and so, when I do not experience it as nice, I see it as only ‘learning’ or ‘walking through patterns’ and not so much as ‘creating’ and ‘building’.

Self-forgiveness on experiences that are coming up while a pattern is activated and showing it’s face / where I am facing myself within this pattern:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely shut down and blanko because of not being able to do anything anymore and so the only solution for now is leaving it and letting go of the control about what another is taking responsibility in or not and taking responsibility for myself in how I experience myself at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not believe’ how this can happen, how someone can do this and so, I am not standing equal and one with myself and/as another, where in I see now that I hide and suppress an experience of guilt that I have stored in my body as an expectation of a ‘need to be here all the time for another, 24 hours’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not possible and realistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be here 24 hours a day for another which must be coming forward out of a mother-syndrom of always feeling like ‘not enough’ for the child, as there can always go something wrong when I am not here and that is then ‘my fault’ or responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coming forward out of this self-judgement, going into my mind and from here, indeed not being here 24 hours but distracted within and as a form of self-protection, to not feel the emotions coming up as a reaction in certain circomstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel paralized at the height of my ovaria and going down within my legs, like my legs are made of chewing-gum and not being able to move myself anymore to whatever direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus myself completely on another as in a mother-syndrom, looking after her child and without this focus, not being able to direct myself anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have protected myself against what I have perceived as the attention of my own mother and her worries about me and at the same time, copying this pattern and doing it myself to a ‘loved one’ that I ‘worry about’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to move through and how to ‘fix’ this.

When and as I see myself going into worrying about a ‘loved one’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I worry about myself and not being able to be with this one anymore and/or to live without this one, where the worry is then actually ‘about me’ and so, I am not really effective in seeing what support I am able to give or stand, when and as that may be needed.

I realize that the patterns and play-outs I walk now, are of support for myself (and/as another) to stand on my own two feet in every situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘that it is too much, that this is not cool anymore, that I cannot have it anymore and that it is unfair that I need to go through all of this as I did not do anything wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only need to go through things if I do ‘something wrong’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I ‘do wrong’, is taking projections of another personally as if it is about me and ‘wanting to take care of another 24 hours as a way to be sure to be together’ is an approach that is impossible and unrealistic, as we all need to stand on our own two feet and learn to take responsibility for our own mind and so, it are opportunities to bring the patterns that are stored deep within me to the surface, so that I can forgive and correct myself into a more realistic and so, more effective living human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that things will be allright if I ‘do not do anything wrong anymore’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind is build up and stored within many deep layers and that we are only free, when all are free and so, the pain will not stop until all are free as only then we will be able to communicate, to care and to work together effectively but at the same time I can push myself to take responsibility for my own experiences.

I realize that I do not understand a reaction within myself that starts with ‘I cannot believe this is happening’ and here giving up on myself and giving away my self-direction of who I am in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live without the other and so, taking on more responsibility on my shoulders than is really my part which is then a distraction within and for myself from experiencing the pain of inequality, because as long as I am busy with the other and trying ‘to do good’, I think and believe that I can not loose the other or that I can not be blamed to loose the other and I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if another sees what he/she is doing, that he/she then will walk away and never come back and so I try to prefend this by doing the best I can to ‘fill the gabs’ and ‘always be here’, where in I see, realize and understand that I then actually go away from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my reactions in living without the other and so I want the other to ‘always be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ‘learned a lot’ but still not really changed in this deep pattern of dependency within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to stand within the unexpectedness of life and within the only certainty of being with and as myself no matter what, meaning that I do not have control about an outcome but only about what I walk in and as myself and so, I do not have control about ‘staying together’ as there always can something ‘unexpected’ happen and so, I created a ’24 hours attention’ within and as myself and behind this an experience of guilt to keep myself busy with, as a distraction and illusion of control about ‘being/staying together’ as how a mother and child are connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find a commitment to stand with in this but at the same time, expecting a commitment from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit to stand with myself as within this, I experience a huge fear to ‘loose another’ if I do so and I am not sure how I will stand with and as myself if and when I may ‘loose another’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not ‘fear loosing someone’, that I then not ‘love’ someone and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then hold on to the fear as holding on to my own thoughts as a ‘connection’ as actually a way of control in and as my own mind.

I commit myself to continue walking and finding ways to support myself and others in this, by keeping myself open and approachable for receiving and giving ways of self-support and preventing myself from speaking or acting in reaction (and forgiving/correcting myself when and as I do so) and within this, giving myself and others time to walk through the difficult parts within and as the mind, where in I realize everytime again that I can only keep standing within the principle of what is best for all, in and as life and that eventually within and as life, we are all united and no one will be ‘left alone’ anymore as here we are al(l)-one with ourselves in and as life, without existing in separation. Which is something that I now only realize in knowledge and information and that will take a lifetime to walk into in practical reality and so I move myself through the fears coming up, slowly and embracing/forgiving myself for what I experience in every moment, within and as self-support and support of one another.

I commit myself to look into the words ‘creating’ and ‘building’ and redefine this into a more realistic definition for myself.

I commit myself to walk ‘what is here’, in small pieces day by day and not too much going into a looking forward as then easily many things can come up as a ‘what if this and that go wrong’ where in I then fuell an experience of ‘fear of loss‘ within and as myself.

I commit myself to look into thoughts connected to an experience of fear within the realization of the information that ‘fear’ actually exist within and as a thought.

Previous blog: 27. Finding my stability

Next blog: 29. Care as motivation


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 734 – Blame, projection and fear of loss

blame

Following up on the previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what it is that I fear within manipulation tactics as in a situation where thoughts are projected on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very tired now when I start writing this blog and experiencing some kind of blankness where in I do not see any point to write self-forgiveness about, as if I only can close my eyes and want to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I can never do this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an unability to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to walk through and keep standing within a situation where thoughts and feelings and emotions are projected on me as a form of manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going away out of reaction in/as fear and within this, enlarging or fueling a possible reaction in another who then also goes away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the other goes away as a reaction on my reaction of going away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how to stop this cat and mouse game, other than by going away, which is not what I want or see as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally panic when another is going away, however when another is coming within panic to me, I also tend to go away out of fear of the reactions from another when and as I am not doing as how they want or expect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I never satisfy enough and that I am not given the time to see within myself what I want and how to do this and so, feeling like I am  always ‘too late’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to please the other in/as the mind, out of a fear of loss as an experience within myself when another is going away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in pleasing another in/as the mind, I go away from myself and here I am actually pleasing my own mind as pleasing my own fear (of loss) and so, fullfilling my own fear (of loss) in loosing myself in trying to please myself or/as another in/as the mind, as in a closed circle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that only consequenses will be created where in another don’t see the consequences and I am not able to direct myself effectively within in the consequences and so the point of creation gets lost and distracted in consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make another see the point of blame as projection in/as the mind, so that from here, we can be together, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can not ‘make another see’ and that my starting-point here is actually still in/as the mind located as in a fear of loss and so, I will firstly create the loss as how I fear, through the point of blame as projection on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it frightening how far we all go/have gone in/as the mind to abdicate responsibility, within blame as projections of our own thoughts, feelings and emotions on something or someone outside ourselves, instead of bringing the thoughts, feelings and emotions back to self and start understanding/forgiving where they come from and so, start taking responsibility for ourselves in/as our own mind and stop blaming something or someone within/without.

When and as I see blame/projection towards me or another, within the words/behaviour of someone in conversation with me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I cannot easily ‘make another see’ how the mind exist as a projection-system and so in/as the manifestation of blame, however I do can decide to not participate and to make this clear, for example by walking away, by saying some words or by simply/literally mentioning that I do not participate in a conversation with blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in blame by accepting and allowing it, coming forward out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to do everything good and perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and through this, the other will eventually bring the point of blame back to self, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 1. I will also make mistakes that I then need to correct that can be used against me and 2. another will always be able to find something to start blaming with by projecting one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions on me in some way, when I do not as they are pleased by, and from here, using one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions projected on me, as a reason to blame me and so, abdicate one’s own responsibility.

I commit myself to not participate in a point of blame, not within myself and not within conversation with another and if I see that I do so, to look within myself what makes that I am doing this, what I fear to loose and take responsibility for this within/as myself through understanding/forgiving myself for this point and participation.

To be continued after investigating Desperation and Communication Awareness as a dimension of creating this ‘picture’ that someone else sees of me and that I then fear to be defined as/blamed for.

the-design-of-fear-of-loss


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

 

 

Dag 730 – Pushing my self-honesty

self-honesty

“And also pushing your self-honesty, cause you may find that what you prefer and what you can live with, is not the same”

Continuing on opening up the inner conflict that I wrote about in the previous blog. Something existing in it that I did not get a clear sight on and so, this is part of the reason why I did not open it up before, not really, but only looking at it from a starting-point of not being willing to change.

I saw the conflict of what I can live with and what I prefer, however I did not place the word ‘prefer’ in this and was looking at it as a desire, which was not really describing it as I did not really experience it as a desire so I could not work with that.

From here I lived the situation in reality – this is what happens when and as I am not willing or able to let something go through writing and self-forgiveness –  where I started to live as ‘what I prefer’ in a certain point but noticed that I could not keep standing in this physically, it was exhausting me. I have learned to push beyond some limitations of ideas of tiredness and not being able to etc, so I pushed myself in this. However here I was using this application in trying to live what I prefer, until the point of conflict inside myself and reflecting outside in a relationship, where I from this point started to open up this point of inner conflict and found my self-honesty within.

This gives inner peace and self-satisfaction as a reference-point and so I have found something to expand myself in. Where I had a chat about this conflict playing out in my external reality in a ‘breaking up’ in a relationship and here, my buddy mentioned to “push your self-honesty, cause you may find that what you prefer and what you can live with, is not the same”.

This made sense and could land within me, as here I suddenly understood how I have to make peace with this fact of what I can live with that may not be the same as what I prefer to live with. So here, I am ready to bring this point into self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a point that I prefer to live with and within this, compromise myself in and as my self-honesty and from here, see my self-honesty disregarded and not recognized through others, through a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in my self-honesty in relation to a point that I prefer to live in and as with a partner but where in I see that I can not live with it like ‘how I would prefer’ as in this way it is exhausting me although I may want it so badly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself in this point of compromising myself in my self-honesty with regards to a preference of how to live a relationship, where from here I see it reflected that a partner is able to live it like that but in a point of inconsideration of other possibilities and more in a way of ‘wanting it the easy and nice way’, of wanting convenience from where I then feel inferior because I am physically not able to ‘live up with this way of convenience’ – on several dimensions – and actually it is also not what I want or prefer anymore but I do not want to loose this partner and I prefer to share something with him and if he is not willing to consider me in this, I will loose this point of what I prefer to share with him.

Here it doesnot mean that I then need to ‘break up’ with this partner but more that I need to stand up within and as my self-honesty and from here, opening this up with the partner and lay out what I am able to and what not and from here, give him the choice to walk with me in this or not and so, taking the risk to ‘loose this partner’ and so to loose this ‘sharing that I prefer most to do with him’.

This sharing is still possible, also from a starting-point of self-honesty as here it is more in consideration of my own physical and so of physical reality as a whole and for the other it would mean a consideration of another being in and as the physical and so of his own physical and physical reality, meaning seeing and moving beyond only our own preferences and start living what is best for all.

For this, one need to be ready to give up some created energetic experiences and behaviours and activities and so if one is not willing or ready, a break up will follow (or takes place in advance to prefent looking at a point of self-interest).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict and being rejected because of bringing forward a point within self-honesty that another is perhaps not willing to consider or resisting to look at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself within and as my self-honesty and so reject myself in my self-honesty and from here, create this form and experience of rejection in my outside world in an intimate relationship as a reflection of the relationship with myself, inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start blaming the one who is rejecting me as a reflection of my inner rejection of my own self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear voicing myself in and as self-honesty where then the fear should come forward out of and existing as a point of judgement and rejection of my own self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘hate’ towards myself about this point of compromise within and as myself (where in it is practical to look at ‘hate’ as in ‘building up angryness’ in – what I find very clear – ‘points that I did not yet have taken responsibility for’ and from here, this accumulates in and as the experience of angryness into or towards the experience of hate – towards self actually but if we are not willing/able to bring it back to self, we will project the experience of ‘hate’ onto something or someone outside ourselves, like as in ‘I hate my partner when he does this or that’).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience real shame about how I have rejected and ignored my own self-honesty, within trying to live what and how I prefer, in and as an idea, in and as the mind that I have appaerently created within and as myself with regards to relationships.

Why do I write this in a blog of Wholesome Journeys under the category of ‘the influence of a spastic colon’?

Because I have manifested this pattern within and as my colon with spasms, as a way of physical expression that is compromised by a mind-pattern that I have integrated within and as my physical body. In this blog I write more about how my mind consciousness system is implemented in my physical body in a way that it influences my organs and organ-functions, which I can use now as a reference-point to face my own self-limitations and neglection of my self-honesty.

In next blog I will write more about the physical dimension of the pattern that I opened up here.


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 729 – Opening up the inner conflict

inner-conflict

I am looking at the influence of a spastic colon, on…myself, my life. The question that then comes up within me here is, should it influence who I am? And what do I mean with ‘who I am’?

It does have an influence on how I plan things, on what I eat or not, on when I wake up, on when I leave the house, on how much time I take in the morning to prepare, on what time I go to sleep at night. If I look at this, it is actually determining how I have come to my daily scedule, which is not a ‘bad’ thing, as it is practical and supporting my body in this way, to have a rythm that I have find supportive.

I am still ‘wondering’ how I would live and what I would do and take on for myself if I would not have had this need from my physical body to keep a certain daily rythm and take care for myself in this. Would I then just ask more from my body that is perhaps not best for my body and so myself within? Or would I naturally do this because I feel better with this, because it supports my body better if I keep a certain lifestyle? Or would I just be doing fine with less ‘bounderies’ for myself in this daily scedule? And are it bounderies or are it guidelines?

This is something that I actually have as a question within me, day in and day out, somewhere on the background. So then within this – when I mentioned here that this daily ‘rythm’ is actually quite supportive for my physical body and so for myself within – the thing that is more of an influence on myself and who I am within, within every moment walking with/as myself in this one physical body, in a situation of the existence of a spastic colon – the thing that is more of an influence on me, is this question that is existing within me and that is giving me an experience of ‘not being satisfied’ or a subtile form of conflict within myself, day in and day out.

So writing this out, this is something that I can change within myself, as this inner conflict is not supporting me but more creating a ‘split’ within myself and so I am existing within and as this split deep within me, day in and day out.

It is something that I only by now start writing out, as somewhere I did not want to admit this to myself and even more, I did not want to show this to others as well. But the thing is that if I do not admit it for myself, I still place myself in a position of disempowerment, because that what I do not admit for/to myself and keep silent or suppressed within me, I will not be able to understand for and as myself, I will not ‘forgive’ myself for this as long as I do not understand it and as long as I do not start forgiving it and opening it up, I will not be able to fully understand this part of/as myself. And from not understanding/forgiving myself in this, I will not be able to change anything about it.

It surprises me that I find this so hard to open up, merely because I have seemingly so much investigated this spastic colon in a way and finding ways to physically support myself in it as well as emotionally. So now, it is time to start looking in the deeper dimensions within me and how the mind is interconnected within and as myself in this physical situation of a spastic colon. Which is obviously not the best part of me and as I know by theory and somewhere sensing within me and seeing reflected without me, it is functioning as a ‘hidden nature’ that I have accepted and allowed to channel within and as my mind and then integrated within and as my physical body.

To be continued


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive