Dag 815 – Understanding ‘borders’

Choosing my ‘borders’ can be colourful! đŸ˜‰

I shortly have come to understand the word ‘borders’ (or bounderies) and what this means as self-support. Ofcourse to be expanded on. This word is often used, I have heard it many times before with regards to relationships in general. However I could not internalize it but only understand it as knowledge and information.

Recently I had a convo with Joe (which I truly recommend) and at some point, he mentioned the practical approach of placing borders as a clarity of what I accept and allow and what not (also in the very small/practical things). This did hit home as a practical tool to use and from here, I also started to see how within this, I am able to direct myself in interactions with others, without becoming, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed and what more, from what ‘another is doing’ and then not exactly knowing how to bring this in and so internally going into blame and resentment within my own mind, where I then eventually lock myself in and pull myself back.

What I see is that I completely loose myself in ‘not placing borders’ and from her, considering everything over and over again within my own mind. This in itself is not a bad thing, to consider all and everything, as it is a door to investigate new area’s in many ways and not get stuck within ‘what I already know’ and it enables to listen to another, however within this, I also easily loose sight on and suppress my natural self-border so to speak, as that from and as my beingness-integrity that is me.

It did become a whole personality of ‘being too nice’ and compromising myself within my physical body, without exactly seeing where and how I do this, how this happens, as the layering of blame had manifested around it and then I suppressed this as well because I did not like this part of myself and did not really understand how to take responsibility for this because actually this blame was in reaction of something outside myself that I did not know how to direct myself within.

So I firstly started to open up this blame dimension with the support of the Atlanteans serie on Blame (10 interviews) and from here, this point of borders did sink in and here I started to see this as the prevention for myself to go into blame, but also as a practical tool to be in a relationship (if and when this opportunity may open up in time to come). Because if and when I do stand and keep standing within myself, nice and warm within my own skin – as borders of what I accept and allow or simply in and as my self-will and self-integrity – I do not need to go into blame afterwards, cause I have already been clear within myself and enabling myself to express myself in a point. And vice versa; without already existing in a point of blame (build up through time when not investigated and forgiven), I do not need ‘to be nice’ to somehow ‘make up’ for my starting-point point of blame by ‘being nice’ and ‘wanted to be liked / to be good’, because I am already here, standing within and as myself, so no need to make myself feeling better or liked or ‘making up’ for something. So for example simply saying ‘no’ does then not ‘feel as a bad thing’ but more as an answer from within, that actually is then best for all as well, directly or eventually.

I do notice a difference within myself with regards to my self-will and placing borders in and as my self-expression, as if I now am more able to connect with myself as the starting-point. For sure there will be challenging situations to come with regards to self-will, borders, authenticity / genuineness and the construct of blame within , however it is like a turning-point within and as myself has happened to move forward from and the convo with Joe was a marker within this. I delayed this convo a few months, due to a lot of practical housing stuff that needed to be done last summer – so more focus and care on the outside, as how it suits with summer-time; however I see that I firstly needed to open up my inner darkness and the blame within, so that I could enter this convo in vulnerability and push myself to open up without fear, which lead to an enjoyable, warm and supportive two hours conversation. As the ‘self-harvest’ in autumn of what I have walked earlier this year – and all the years before ofcourse – investigate Desteni I Process.

Some self-forgiveness on what opens up after writing the blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘bind’ myself and / as my expression, to another in / as my mind, instead of placing clear bounderies within and as myself of who I am, who I want to be in what I accept and allow and what not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a different / default pathway, as if I take a ‘side-path’ and here connect myself and my expression to another, instead of walking forward in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘being liked’ above ‘what I stand for’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a strong physical fear / nervousness as ‘pain’ within my body in the upper-corners of my intestines, as if I ‘am not allowed to cross these lines’ which I see as related ‘borders’ of limitation where I ‘better stay in’ without me knowing or being aware of what exactly these borders contain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I should not cross this pain’, and so staying and keeping myself in ‘fear of the pain’ as limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I do not know, see or am aware of what is beyond these ‘borders’, I should not go there because ‘there is nothing’ as ‘nothing that I know or can relate to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience some excitement of moving myself beyond that limitation / these borders into the ‘unknown’ as nothingness and at the same time fear it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand borders as limitation as how I already had placed them within me to stop me from passing ‘what I already know’ and so, become kind of ‘borderless’ in that I do always see a possibility beyond a border or at least, understand where a limitation comes from and so kind of loosing myself within being borderless when at the same time, not being able to move myself beyond my own created borders in / as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into blame in and as myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that somewhere, somehow, I did not frame / border myself within myself and accepted and allowed myself to go into defaulted pathways in and as my mind and / or I did not express a border clearly towards my environment in and as my self-integrity and so, I commit myself to find where I missed my self-border as my self-integrity, to forgive myself for the consequences that I created from ignoring myself in my integrity and from here, finding my inner voice and practising to express myself clearly, towards myself and / or towards another.

I commit myself to define the experiences within and as the ‘pain-points’ in the upper-corner of my large intestine when and as they come up and to embrace and forgive myself in what I find and at least, when not yet able to define the experiences, just lay down, embrace myself and see what comes up within me and so layer for layer, piece by piece, bring myself back together, strengthening my self-trust as the foundation to move forward from.


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Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 812 – Planten en levende woorden

Goudsbloem – Calendula Officinalis

Ik zit in de tuin bij de Goudsbloem. Ik ben er al steeds naar aan het kijken, aangezien deze zo groot, stevig en dik is geworden. Ik heb bloemzaden gestrooid uit zo’n mix-zakje waarvan maar een heel klein deel uit is gekomen, aangezien het zo ontzettend droog was en de tuin een harde zandachtige grond met gras heeft. Echter op een aantal plaatsen is de Goudsbloem opgekomen, precies de plant die ik nog graag in mijn tuin wilde.

Deze grote dikke Goudsbloem staat achterin de tuin naast de plek waar ik steeds het grasmaaisel neerleg. Het moet uiteindelijk een soort van composthoop worden, ik heb dit stukje tuin nog niet echt aangepakt, het is nog een beetje een wild stukje.

Hier naast de composthoop staat dus die grote Goudsbloem. Het doet me denken aan jaren geleden, twee huizen geleden toen ik bezig was met het maken van Bloesemremedies en ik een enorme Paardenbloem in de voortuin had staan. Deze had met name een bizar dikke steel (1-2 cm dik).

Hier staat nu zo’n stevige Goudsbloem met ook zo’n opmerkelijke steel. Iets minder dik, maar nog steeds opvallend stevig. Dus ik ging er bijzitten en bedacht me, hĂ©, laat ik weer eens afstemmen op de plant zoals ik destijds vaak deed en zien wat er in me opkomt.

Steel Goudsbloem

Vrijwel direct kwamen er een aantal woorden in me op zoals care, zachtheid, heling en ‘wondheling en slijmvliezen’ en wat later zag ik standvastigheid, stevigheid, ‘unwavering’. Vooral de eerste drie herkende ik gelijk als ‘levende woorden’ en dat vond ik een bijzondere link. Ik heb nogal moeite om met een levend woord in mezelf te komen die ik praktisch kan gebruiken ter ondersteuning van mezelf, mijn zelfexpressie; echter ga ik naast een plant zitten en stem ik me af op de kwaliteit, dan komen de woorden. En dat is eigenlijk ook hoe ik met de bloesemremedies werkte: de kwaliteit van de bloem/plant, in water overbrengen en dit water weer in mij en zo integreren. Ik heb toen vaak over woorden lopen nadenken die dan op een remedie geschreven konden worden of iets, maar het viel niet echt op z’n plek.

Nu na jaren van gericht schrijven, zelfvergeving en zelfcorrectie (zie Desteni I Process voor de tools en alle blogs hier geven het proces van schrijven weer) en uiteindelijk gekomen bij het punt van levende woorden ter ondersteuning van mijn zelfexpressie en zelfcreatie (naast het proces van zelfvergeving), maken de woorden op zichzelf veel meer ‘zin’ (making sense). Zo kan ik beter met levende woorden werken en tevens heb ik er meer plezier in door het te combineren met mijn aandacht voor planten.

Vervolgens zit ik in een flinke zelfsabotage waarin ik het idee de volgende dag, direct weer minimaliseer en wat al niet meer. Dat kan ik tevens opvatten als een ‘teken’ in mezelf, van mijn geest, dat ik in de ‘goede richting zit’ en iets heb aangeraakt wat goed bij mijn zelfexpressie past. Iets heel kleins, ‘onschuldigs’, als lijkende soort van hobby, maar wie weet wat eruit voort kan komen. Het is in ieder geval een handvat voor mezelf in het proces van levende woorden dat ik kan onderzoeken en wat ik kan beschrijven in mijn blogs. Een delen van mezelf hierin.

Ik schrijf wat zelfvergevingen op het patroon dat naar voren komt binnen dit proces waar ik er dan vanuit ga dat dit deel uitmaakt van de zelfsabotage:

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb moeite te hebben met het loslaten van delen die niet het beste zijn voor mezelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet door te willen bewegen op een diep niveau en mezelf ziek te maken met diepgewortelde patronen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb verdriet te ervaren en me te schamen over patronen die ik geprojecteerd heb, waardoor ik zowel mezelf als een ander niet heb kunnen ondersteunen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me schuldig te voelen dat ik onvoldoende heb kunnen ondersteunen door diep van binnen anderen ‘de schuld’ te geven, ook al weet ik beter – ik begreep niet hoe dit patroon ‘tot explosie’ in mezelf vanwaar ik het in me bewaarde en toch uitleefde, al was het voornamelijk in en op mijn eigen lichaam.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het patroon van beschuldigen uit te leven op mijn eigen lichaam en mijn lichaam en mezelf hierin te schaden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb het patroon toe te staan in een ander aangezien en doordat ik het toesta diep binnenin mezelf en zo niet effectief voor mezelf te zorgen als wat het beste is en dit dan zo te reflecteren als ‘voorbeeld’ naar een ander toe – ook al spreek ik andere woorden, zolang dit diep van binnen in mij bestaat, resoneert het onderliggende saboterende patroon mee en reflecteert het in relaties die relevant zijn hierin.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb mijn woorden en wat zich diep binnenin mij afspeelt, niet werkelijk gelijk te hebben gesteld en zo conflict te creĂ«ren binnenin mijzelf – tussen wat ik ‘weet’ dat het beste is en het zelfsaboterende patroon als het ‘slechtste’ in mezelf en dit tevens weerspiegeld te zien buiten mezelf in relevante relaties.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toegestaan en aanvaard heb zachtheid, care, standvastigheid, unwavering te leven als expressie van wie ik wil zijn, van binnen en van buiten.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel de momenten van explosie waar de schuld begint, te herkennen en mezelf te stoppen hierin en van hieraf, mezelf richting te geven met een levend woord en (indien nodig) met een zelfvergeving en verdieping in wat er opkomt en ik stel mezelf ten doel dit patroon van zelfsabotage zo te stoppen en het conflict in mezelf hiermee te beëindigen.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel me verder te verdiepen in het patroon van schuld en de schuld geven met behulp van een serie interviews in Eqafe (Atlanteans 180-184 welke hier begint)

Ik stel mezelf ten doel om, met behulp van (de expressie van) de Goudsbloem, mezelf te helen, mijn slijmvliezen te helen en te oefenen in het leven van de woorden (zelf)care, zachtheid, standvastigheid en unwavering en hierin te verdiepen binnen deze kwaliteiten en ik stel mezelf ten doel de kwaliteiten zoals kleur en voorkomen van de Goudsbloem nader te onderzoeken, herkennen, beschrijven / benoemen / herdefiniëren en integreren ter zelfondersteuning.

Knop Goudsbloem

Proces van zelfverandering:
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De Kronieken van Jezus

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 811 – How is blame a form of self-manipulation?

Within a conversation and after a group-chat, I did become aware that I do not see how and that blame is a form of self-manipulation. I mean, I do understand forms of self-manipulation within and as myself and in theory, I understand that behind everything that we do that is not aligned with what is best, there is actually self-manipulation active, because if we would directly speak and live as what is best for all – so including ourselves – there is no manipulation of self and / as others existing or needed; we are then here, stable, in and as life.

But, to understand something in detail and within and as myself; this is a different story than seeing the truth as common sense in a theory or knowledge and information only. So, here I would like to have a deeper look at how blame, exist as self-manipulation as well. Because if I do not realize, see and understand this within and as myself, I will react in subtle ways to ‘blame’ and misunderstand it (and so I fear / judge it) as something that is ‘done towards another’ or ‘done towards me’ as a starting-point, when the starting-point in and as self-manipulation is bringing the blame back to self. Where I then can do something about it.

Let’s start with some self-forgiveness and see what opens up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that blame directed towards me, is really connected to me, when actually it has nothing to do with me – other than what my reaction is towards the situation and projection in and as blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when someone is blaming me for something, even when I cannot find myself anything doing ‘wrong’ but a small mistake that is behind it and within feeling guilty, I am making myself part of the dance of ‘being blamed’ and so ‘being hold responsible for’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and / as others for small mistakes and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of moving myself into some form of (self-)support, I follow the blame and circle myself back into and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself responsible for what another is blaming me for and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold another responsible for what I am blaming (hidden or not) another for and so I am still placing myself in a interconnected position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and so that I do not need to blame myself for anything related to this and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be perfect so that I cannot be hold responsible for anything outside myself.

Here to mention that this is about perfection as trying to meet other’s standards, outside myself, which is not the same as walking in and towards self-perfection, where in I commit myself to be and become the best version of myself in and as self-honesty and current location-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be misunderstood and so, to be ‘unforgiven’ and so ‘blamed’ for, where in I then in and as this fear, I am keeping myself in this entanglement, finding myself ‘trying to explain myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it almost impossible to make a move that may be misunderstood and so, I do a. not move or b. stay low / keep quiet or c. move in silence / invisible or d. over-explain myself and then if and when not understood, I tend to Not make the move and instead, move into and as my mind and start doubting myself, waiting for approval from the outside as a ‘green light’ to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to ‘missing information’ and becoming fanatic and pushing within what I do see, when actually I only would like to receive and understand the missing piece so that I can be clear and stable in what I do see, as a part and as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘blame the blame and / or blamer’ in subtle ways and within this, keep cycling in the point of blame within and as myself in doing exactly that what I blame and so locking myself in.

Then, what also opened up, is a message and video of Gian, referring to 2020 as the point of No return, meaning, the equal money or global basic income should be opening up to be placed in as a point of no return, in whether we are going to make it or not as humanity on this earth.

(message Gian: “I made this video 8 years ago, and it stated the year 2020 for a reason. There was discussions about EMS being implimented by then and if not we will be too late as humanity on this earth to change anything in the realms of how much consequences we will face on this earth, I made the video under the instruction of Bernard. What was also clear was that it might not be Equal Money System as we promote it but through someone else in a little different way, like UBI and Andrew Yang and what he is promoting. We now have the Amazon Rainforests burning at alarming rates and a sign of humanity not changing course at all, 2020 was assessed back then as being the point of no return if we do not turn in a way that if forward for life on this planet by 2020.”)

Well, this seems like a whole other point, however for me it touched to ‘zero point’ within myself, in the sense that I see, realize and understand the state of the world and humanity without making it anymore beautiful and I would like to make peace with this view. Not to ‘give up’ but to embrace it all, inside and outside, as it shows the deepest saddest thing as how far away we are all from ourselves in and as life, inside and outside and an important aspect of this is the ‘blame-game’, where almost everyone is pointing fingers in some way, mostly because the mechanisms in and as the mind, are not understood for what it is and so as how it exists within myself: blame is not seen as a form of self-manipulation and so not seen as something that is harming / manipulating self first and foremost – same inside same outside.

I do feel a bit nervous when writing this down, as in ‘am I allowed to name it as this as how it is?’. Which shows a form of self-manipulation as well. To shut myself down. To ‘fear’ myself away actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself away for the truth deeply within and without and so hiding until the point of no return.

Somehow we do believe that there is ‘always a way’ and that there is no such thing as ‘no return’. Here I have lived this in my personal life, in and as a misconception of love, where I / we did past the point of no return and no matter how I keep searching within myself, I do not see a way to ‘return to’ with one another and if and when there is a way, it would be complete self-responsibility in and as oneself as ‘the only way’. And even here it would not mean ‘a return’ to how it was but actually a return back to self.

So here, the solution that I do have an influence on at small scale, so within my reach, is to keep pushing myself to the point of self-responsibility for all that exists within me and if every one is eventually doing this – one plus one plus one – we exist in and as self-responsibility as a whole, in and as life, with no one left behind. And, to make this possible for everyone, we do need such thing as an UBI as some form of an equal money system, to give every one an equal opportunity to walk out of the survival mode, into and as life, in and as self-responsibility.

It also makes sense to me to what Cerise did point out within a picture of my face, looking at my facial expression (as some kind of supportive group-action-point that week), where she mentioned something as ‘not yet ready to embrace humanity as a whole’ which I do see related to this misunderstanding of blame as self-manipulation, within and without, as in still ‘blaming humanity’ in a way. Which of course I did understand in and as common sense as that I project something from myself ‘on humanity’; as if I am not part of it and I did ‘feel it showing in my face’ as well, so I found it quite striking and very observant from her, however as I mentioned, it only makes sense when seeing, realizing and understanding it inside and as myself in a way that I can open it up, embrace, forgive and change.

So far for today and I will see how this topic opens up more in time to come, into and as self-understanding.

In Memory of the animals that died in the recent fires but no one cares đŸ’”

roces van zelfverandering:
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De Kronieken van Jezus

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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 806 – The experience of disappointment

One of the most challenging emotions to embrace I find is disappointment. Even in the smallest things I can experience disappointment and my initial reaction is to suppress it and so not to ‘feel’ it. I have tactics to do this, mostly by ‘looking at the positive aspect’ in it immediately (so before even letting in the experience itself) as for example ‘what I learned from it’.

A few examples of how small things can bring up an experience of disappointment in me:

Snoo (my cat) who did jumped in the middle of a Rosemary plant and so half of the branches broke down; myself accidently breaking some branches of a plant while mowing the grass; when placing the scaffolding, one guy removed some piece of the fence in a not so careful way because it was a bit too high, without discussing with me because I was at sport-lesson, while afterwards appeared only one upper shelf needed to be removed. This piece of fence is needed to keep the cats inside the garden so I placed it back in an improvised way, however what I was disappointed about is how it was a bit of destroyed and existing in it as well I see some worry about how to place it back afterwards. When now writing about it I see that these examples are all about some form of destruction of something that I placed in with care.

I noticed that I easily go into angryness and blame (to myself and / or another) instead of embracing / letting in the experience of disappointment of something broken down. It takes a while before I calm down from experiencing it and I really do not like the feel of it. As I see now it will be supportive for myself to describe more how I experience this emotion and what happens in myself and my body when it comes up. I also have noticed that it does go away after a while when and as I have embraced it. I do suspect that a lot of what I have suppressed within my body, is related to a suppression of disappointment.

With the fence I noticed that I stayed calm and directed the situation effectively, replacing a piece of the fence, asking for a hand to help at one of the guys and naming what happened directly when it appeared that I needed that piece of fence, not in a blaming way (and also not experiencing angryness or any particular reaction) but in a direct and funny way, for both of us to not let it be suppressed and ‘lead a life of it’s own‘ so to speak but just so that it is named and out there. This was a cool example for myself to take such things on. However it did affect me that it was broken down – realizing that for many others, it probably would be ‘such a small thing’ barely worth speaking about, especially when one does not know that this piece of fence does have a function in that small area, up on a wall. So afterwards – when I had directed everything – I needed to lay down and rest and let them do their job and embrace myself in the experience of disappointment where I was satisfied in how I handled it so there was no reason to go into self-blame and so, only the experience of disappointment was left over to look at for / within myself.

With Snoo, I did experience angryness towards her – and I rarely experience angryness towards her! lol – I was sooo disappointed as I had just the day before looked at how nicely that plant was growing and I only calmed down when I realized that she did it accidently and if she would have known, she would not have jumped on it, it was just in her way on the ‘road’ that she takes when she runs at max speed through the garden into the house. And when realizing this, I felt shitty about my experience and words of angryness towards her.

With the plant I destroyed myself, I did cut some branches and placed them in the house and I took out what was left of the plant (not much) and decided to find a new one later as more happened already with this plant. I shared with Snoo that I did the same – I accidently broke some branches – and calmed down quite fast.

I will open it up with self-forgiveness and some more inner observation when an emotion of disappointment comes up within me.

To be continued.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 793 – Do you like to be criticized?

 

ways to react to criticism

I was looking into the experience that I ‘did not like’ to receive some criticism but at the same time having the thought/belief that ‘I should be okay with it’. This then leads to having to process the critic in itself – which is mostly something that will only support me to better myself in a constructive way – and at the same time, being busy with processing my own reaction to ‘being criticized’ which gives an extra layer and is not so constructive in the end. So I already can work with (constructive) criticism because I am able to see the common sense in it and self-honest enough to introspect, but I had not yet opened up the level of the experience of ‘being criticized’ in itself and what this does to me.

It took me a while to admit to myself that I simply did not like the experience of being criticized and that this is ‘okay’. I do not need to ‘like’ it or ‘being cool’ with it. This also brings me to much more understanding that ‘constructive criticism’ from my side can cause a reaction in another and so I need to give time to process this as well and also to be careful with what and how I bring in something with regards to the location-point of another (and myself as well). It is not possible to ‘avoid any reaction’, as I have seen that almost nobody likes to find out (in the moment) that one better could have done something different. Yes we can learn to approach criticism in a constructive way, however the moment we find out something that we did not see or admit before as something destructive, this moment in itself is not a nice experience and so we need to process this, especially if we had no clue of for example ‘doing something wrong’ but also simply because of finding out we made a mistake.

I do experience fear to bring in some constructive criticism in certain situations, when and as needed, because of fearing this reaction to criticism in the moment from another. I see now that part of this fear is my own belief of ‘I should be okay with criticism’ and so this functions as a judgement towards any reaction to criticism, from myself and from another, that exist as (part of) a ‘fear’ within me. So this is a layer I now can start standing equal to and one with, within myself and so towards and with another as well; to align to taking time for myself to process constructive criticism towards a needed correction within and as myself and I can use this to better align with what and how I bring in something as a potential correction as what I see that is best for all and to take equal responsibility in this.

Some self-forgiveness and self-corrections on my findings to support myself in this process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not like being criticized’ and because I do not like the experience, to tend to catapult this back to the one who is bringing in the criticism in a form of (hidden) blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should ‘like being criticized’ or at least ‘being cool’ with it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not need to like it or being cool with it to use it in a constructive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait to like it or being cool with it before I really integrate the criticism, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is giving a delay in processing information, forgiveness and correction within and as myself because I then am ‘waiting’ for an experience of ‘like’ or ‘being cool’, when I actually can only integrate the criticism as an experience of satisfaction, once I have already forgiven and corrected myself in and as this physical reality within and as this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘not being liked’ anymore when and as I receive a point of criticism and so I already go into a ‘dislike’ of and as myself as a form of remorse to in this way, try to ‘still be liked’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to show some remorse and because I resist to ‘show remorse’, I actually delay my own correction process; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the self-forgiveness and self-correction in itself is what is needed and of much more consistent and continues value within this physical reality than an experience of remorse, where an excuse can be made when and as needed, but this only does make sense within a starting-point of walking the self-forgiveness and self-correction as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reaction to criticism, within myself and from another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am judging my own reaction to criticism from a point of belief that ‘I should like it’ or ‘be cool with it’ and so I expected this from another as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from another that what I belief I should be able to be myself, without introspection on what I belief and expect from myself in an unrealistic way and from here, build layer after layer of self-judgement in and as my mind and projected on this physical reality as well.

When and as I see myself reacting to a form of criticism, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I may not like it or may not being cool with and that is okay and I realize that I can take time to process and investigate the criticism and that I do not need to be clear with it in that one moment and I realize that I do not need to ‘like it or be cool with it’ to effectively investigate and process the criticism.

I realize that I then more am protecting an experience of ‘liking’ or ‘being cool with it’ which is creating conflict within me and distracting me as well from the point of criticism as well and so it is okay to ‘not be cool’ or ‘not like it’ in a moment.

I commit myself to practice to unconditionally embrace my own reaction to criticism, to take time to process this and to bring it into myself for introspection – my possible reaction and the criticism in itself – and to from here, see what I can forgive and correct within myself in relation to my possible reaction and in relation to the point of criticism; to see where and what is ‘on me’ to forgive and correct and to also see where it may not be (totally) aligned and perhaps coming from a projection or (hidden) reaction from another towards me.

When and as I experience a fear to bring in a potential possibility of correction in a situation/towards another that I see as what is best for all/all involved, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I may fear a reaction because I judge how someone respond to criticism as how I judge myself in how I react to criticism or, how I react to a possible reaction to criticism of another towards me, as this can be spiteful as well as a form of identified mind-protection as if ‘this is who I am’ or coming from a self-belief as how I for example believed that ‘I should like – or be cool with criticism’.

I commit myself to take time to be careful with what I bring in and to align with myself in clarity of what I bring in and how, as a clear reference-point for myself if and when another may react but, to prevent myself from ‘walking on egg-shells’, to if and when I am misaligned, use this as an opportunity to forgive and correct myself as preparation for another moment.

I commit myself to give myself space to embrace my dislikes (and likes as well) and to introspect what self-believes there are behind it that makes it more difficult for myself to effectively process ‘criticism’ in the world as a whole.

rain


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 791 – A mourning process and to Rise up

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A while ago I got the ‘advice’ (from myself / my own beingness actually) to take the time to mourn about a relationship ending. I did not really come to a mourning because I did not want it ‘to be over’ and if I go into a mourning, this would mean that it would be ‘over’. Besides this it concerns a difficult situation with many aspects that made it challenging to go into a mourning.

I did had made the step forwards to move on alone, due to the situation only becoming worse for both of us when staying together; however when already being into this situation, I was still refusing to really move through. So I did move myself into ‘what is best for me and both of us’ eventually, however when coming into the actual experiences coming up while walking this direction, I refused to really embrace it / myself in it and make peace with the current situation, holding on to ‘hope’ and future projections of ‘what if’.

When writing this blog I come into this ‘sinking feeling’ again of the sadness and ‘rediculessness’ of the situation. I will write more about it in relation to this situation  – and relationships in general  – with insights and realizations in time to come and what it all has to do with, what systems are involved that makes it so immens to walk through.

Firstly I would like to describe a change in the mourning process that I currently noticed within me.

I had a few activities last week sceduled in. There was a second course afternoon of the mandala-drawing related to the second chakra. I noticed sadness in relation to this ‘area’ and quietly started the drawing. I somehow expected a lot of sadness and messyness within me while drawing and visible within the drawing, however what I expressed on paper looked very harmonious, subtile, soft and almost ‘silent’; like ‘nothing wrong with me’. This supported me to stop a part of the ‘missing’ and to start redefining sexuality, sensuality into a more physical and fulfilling presence instead of an endless experience of  missing and desire, projected on a relationship with another (a process of redefining still to walk).

Then I started to go to a training, a sport-lesson in the new living environment (I changed house and environment). I used to go every week but did not go for 4 months while I was busy with all the moving and renovation of the house. I now have settled down a bit and found myself ready to pick it up; the physical labour became less heavy and I started really ‘missing’ the physical work-outs. I found a gym to start and try out some group-lessons and the first one I participated in was a power-yoga-lesson.

While doing this I noticed a stand coming through within me, a sort of physical stability and satisfaction that I come into within the lessons, due to how a training is set up. This I really like about the group-lessons. After this I went home and sit down to watch a part on tv of ‘the voice of Holland’ that probably everyone is familiar with. I will in a moment describe why I like watching this ‘program’.

It was still in the first rounds. There was a lady coming up, she had introduced herself as that she had moved through a difficult period of many trials and errors and now becoming more present and satisfied within herself. She came up and just stand there, focussed on herself and waiting for the music and when the music started, she started the singing. She did barely nothing more than standing there quite ‘silently’ with regards to her body and only…….singing. It was overwhelming ‘good’ and especially authentic, staying close to herself and it was the song ‘Rise up’ so very suitable to what she described as her situation.

(First link is the record of the song that I speak about and second link the original song with text).

I was sitting and watching and tears rolling over my face and noticing – through that lady and the song – the strength of the decision to ‘rise up’. Here I noticed how a rising up of one (this lady in this case), can be an example for another (me in this case) to do the same, to rise up in our own unique way. It would actually be a waste to not do this, to hold back, because then what we resonate is a ‘holding back’ and so another will pick this up as well and this is not an example that one potentially would like to resonate as what is best for all.

This example describes why I watch a program like the voice of Holland as I enjoy and find it valuable to see (a part of) one’s potential, one-self coming through, in this case within the expression of singing.

I hold this song, the title and the physical experience within me the days after and I noticed a change within me. Where I before was moving through the days within a drowning feeling, I now was able to carefully see a glimpse  ‘beyond it’. It does not ‘end’ with this drowning or sinking, there is more beyond. It was not so that I wanted to ‘give it all up’ before. I did had / have created enough basic foundation for myself in the past 7 years to already ‘know’ that there is more and at the same time, I did come in such a nice living environment in many ways that this is as a ‘soft bed’ for me, catching me while going through the mourning. However the sinking feeling was with me for weeks, every day again, without me knowing where or how it would decrease and still it is with me in a way. But it changed. It is like walking through and awakening from a nightmare; from a dark night and dark nights on end.

I noticed that ‘not living the best of me’ has many aspects involved of why I am not (yet) doing this, however a main aspect that I see is that it is somehow based on revenge. Revenge of the ego. We often and mostly focus on all the deeply saddening reasons, circomstances, influences and what more, however in every situation (if and when certain basics – food, roof, physical care and support – are covered) there comes a time where we are able to stand up and move towards the best version of ourself and if not, it is based on blame, revenge, resentment, no matter how much ‘fear’ is involved. And this is what I noticed within myself: not moving myself forwards, not ‘rising up’ is revenge in itself.

Note: how and where and why we developped it like this, is individual and personal for every one and it takes a process to move ourself through all the painfull, perhaps horryfic and abusive memories, situations, upbringings, circomstances etc etc. so to not baggetalize all the inner and outer horrors in the world, as it is an ‘accumulated nightmare’ in a way as how we have accepted and allowed ourself and this world to be and become.

What I found as well in this mourning process is a start, a decision to start with living words. I am already longer looking at this however I could not get a grip on it of where and how to start that did make sense to me – meaning not from a starting-point of ‘knowledge and information’ as this is ‘not making sense to me’ because it doesnot really integrate and keeps on in that way. I noticed that it first needed to become ‘empty’ in a way within me with actually the only possibility left to recreate and fulfill myself through the start of….living words.

What really supports me in this is to combine it with physical, tangable actions or examples, like how I write here, this can be a song or a training or a drawing. This gives more body and makes it easier for me to ‘embody’ it at the same time while redefining and even finding the words within and while the physical action or example takes place. A whole process ahead, to open up and explore with many options possible to combine it with and bring it into expression, within and as myself and my life.

When we find it in us, let’s Rise up. For the ‘you’ as ourself as Life as a whole. A thousand times. Until we Stand.

To be continued – thanks for reading.

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PS directly after finalizing this blog my laptop crashed. For more context to process visit:

Desteni.org

Desteniiprocess.com/courses

Eqafe.com


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 763 – Self-forgiveness on the experience of worry

Continuing from Dag 762 – The word behind waiting with self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and get worried and to not want to face the fact as reality that there is actually something to ‘worry about’ because it is a problem and I do not want to face this because I fear my reaction to it when it happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘tiptoe around’ that what I actually see under the surface and to start worrying about when it comes up or when to opens it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill a ‘need’ within me and so, not wanting to see the problem that may stand in the way of fulfilling this need and so, I create the ‘need’ to start worrying about it because I somewhere, somehow know that it will come to the surface and play out and ‘break up’ between me and that what I want to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fulfill that what I need within a way that seems ‘best for all’ where my starting-point is not yet clear, as long as I am dependent on what I want to fulfill and so, I create the opportunity to worry for myself within the certainty that one day, this what I worry about will take place and play out because under the surface, it is already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that what I see in common sense and under the surface, will not take place, will somehow magically disappear or be solved in a way that I perhaps may have missed, where at the same time and within common sense I would be ‘quite surprised’ if it will not take place because this physical realm and life in it’s essence, follows certain ‘laws’ or ways that cannot be denied and how the mind consciousness system is build up in this, can also not be denied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hope’ that ‘the life within’ is already stronger than what I see with common sense and am aware of and so actually I am hoping for a miracle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘worry’ about not knowing what to do or how to step in or not step in at the moment that happens what I worry about and so I am actually worrying about ‘myself not directing myself’ in what I see that may assist and support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to keep waiting or worry to not keep waiting and move on in a direction that I actually don’t want but that I feel like I cannot change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about me not having the influence that is needed or to not acting on the potential that I see that is needed and that I can or may have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having influence, out of fear of not directing myself and acting on what I see that may be the best thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in a ‘trial and error’ situation and to fear others as myself as well to get angry for this and at the same time, fearing others to get angry when what I do is not a mistake at all but triggering a reaction of resistance that is expressed towards me or even within me in and as myself as my own ‘backlash’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like moving through an invisible wall of a thick and densed cloud of resistance.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of worry, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am ‘waiting’ before that what I see that is under the surface, is coming up and that I at the same time, try to find ways to prefend it coming up, in a hope that it is not needed and that I do not need to go through the experience when and as it comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push the point that I see under the surface because I cannot stand within the experience of fear and worry for my own experiences when and as it comes to surface and so, I rather ‘have it now’ but at the same time, want to find a way that it doesn’t need to come up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push and pull towards that what I see under the surface and doing this within an experience of fear, worry and hope and at the same time, seeing that it is best and needed to come to the surface because then it is visible and so it can be forgiven and solved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and to blame others for consequences that I need to go through, as well that I think and believe that ‘others created’, where in I see now that the blame in itself is giving an experience of sadness and then me fearing the experience of sadness that comes up within the consequence, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this experience firstly within myself by going into blame towards others and then trying to ‘prevent’ the consequence to play out by opening it up on forehand, while I still speak within a subtile energy of blame and so the blame resonates within my words and behaviour where in I am actually creating the experience that I fear, namely ‘to be blamed’ for the consequence that opens up (which then brings up the experience of sadness).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be blamed for what I see, when I bring up what I see and so I tend to not voice myself about what I see, from where I more and more go into ‘blaming others’ for what I see happening but what I am not speaking about.

I commit myself to first clear myself from aspects of (subtile or hidden) blame before I voice myself about what I see and I commit myself to take responsibility for the consequences that I create or have created when and as I speak or have spoken or may speak in blame, by going back to the drawing-board within and as myself and looking at what I fear to experience when a consequence may play out (as what is needed to make things visible at the surface from the deep waters within), by forgiving myself for my part in it and by possibly supporting another when and as needed and within my capacity and stability as what is best for the live in it all to open up or ‘germinate’, within myself as others as well.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive