Dag 727 – 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

This blog is related to record 14: Examples of trying to make it up

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically step in a relationship through having sex in an early stage and within this, ‘bounding’ myself emotionally to this other one where in I feel like I am already too far in and as if I cannot step back anymore and first investigate what the possibilities are of really stabnding and walking with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am able to have a sexual interaction without having clarity about a commitment towards each other as in a relationship/agreement and so from here, keep on stepping in physically and committing physically in a way, without first investigating the possibilities of standing and walking together and checking our principles, ability and willingness to really stand and walk together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devided within a mind-approach and believing to be able to already physically involve and a physical-being approach where in I look at and investigate all dimensions to possibly stand and walk with another being and look at how another being is willing and able to walk and stand with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the desire to have a relationship and the desire to become pregnant, by stepping in ‘too fast’ and already committing in a way while within common sense, I know there is more time needed to investigate where we both stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something so badly that I am willing to compromise my own standing and integrity that I actually had never developped and so, in a way knowing what to stand for but not being able to really, on all levels, be able to stand and keep standing within my integrity and within principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a stranger in my own house when the children of my partner in that time came over for the weekend, as I did not know how to involve with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to involve with my partner and his children coming over and within this, start separating myself from the situation and completely pulling back within myself and within some place in the house that I could find to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become some kind of monster within myself and towards my partner when and as his children came over for the weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everything would go better and become more in balance when and as I would have a child of my own within this situation, which may be so in a way, however it is a way of first trying to create a situation in physical reality where in I could have supported myself so much more if and when I had the tools to bring the feelings, emotions, backchat, reactions etc coming up within me – to first or while wwalking bring this back to myself, to also within the moment, make it more comfortable and enjoyable for myself as well as for my partner to walk this path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it very heavy for myself and my partner to walk a certain situation, because of not yet being able to take responsibility for my own feeling, emotions, reactions, backchat etc coming op related to the situation that I and we were living in and through this, putting so much load on the relationship and the situation as a whole that eventually maye have contributed to the ending of the relationship.

When and as I see myself becoming/experiencing myself and the situation with a partner as ‘heavy’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have emotions, feelings, reactions, backchat coming up within me that I do let decide how I experience myself and that from here, is defining who I am within that what I live.

I realize that the emotions, feelings, reactions, backchats, are coming forward out of thoughts and/or a way of trying to control my reality and so, out of trying to wanting a certain outcome, which I can see is related to aspects of my childhood where in I as a child, want a certain outcome, trying to enforce this on/towards my parents.

I realize that a form of control exists as a form of fear of not getting the outcome that I would like to see or desire and then within this an experience as belief that I would/could not exist anymore without this certain outcome.

I realize that within existing in and as fear as control, I speak and behave in a way that is putting a stamp in each situation and interaction and that is triggering others within their experience of control/fear, which is then again triggering my experience of control/fear and so on.

I realize that within contributing to creating this ‘heavy’ atmosphere, I make it more ‘heavy’ (meaning, separating myself from the reality and participants that I am involved in and with) than things need to be within each moment of breathe and that at the moment, I do have the tools to support myself to be stable and bring myself back to stability when and as a form of control/fear comes up.

I commit myself to name the desired outcome and to name the experience of fear of loss in a certain moment of conflict, for and within myself, to stop and to forgive/let go the desired outcome and instead, allow myself to move on and as the pace of my breathing and finding a living word to ‘hold on to’ within a specific moment that I need to bring stability in, within and as myself;

where in I realize that the only real and lasting way to ‘make it up’ within and as myself, is within taking full responsibility for and as myself and for the fear/control as reactions, emotions, feelings, backchat, thoughts that are coming up within and as myself, to not desire a specific outcome as ‘making things up’ for a mistake in the past, but to step by step, moment by moment, forgive and correct the mistakes within and as who I am within each moment of breath in and as a process that I walk from consciousness to awareness.

dak

Previous blog: 13. Trying to make it up

Next blog: 15. The insemination


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Dag 719 – 7. The moment of truth

This blog is related to record 7: The moment of truth

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push away the support that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when I listen to the record and see how gentle the support is offered even in a situation that is not optimum or what the other want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how it is for the other to not have any say in the the situation of having the child let to be born or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions for myself from a point of survival in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘myself and the child’ but not the male involved, coming forward out of a situation that is not grounded and build in trust and stability but more used as a way to fulfill a part of my self-interest and even within this, use ‘how it would be for the child’ as an excuse to not really consider myself deep within, same as how I am really not considering another as self deep within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first set something into motion as that I want deep within, without considering everything and everyone involved and see how ‘that what I want/would like’, how I will be able to slowly build this in consideration of everything that is involved but instead, when I have is set in motion and created into physical reality, see the consequenses of what I have created and from here, pull back, not being willing or knowing how to to push through and walk into reality with what I have set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to support myself in a constructive way within the physical consequenses that I have set in motion and from here, pull back as the only way that I see as solution that I am able to live and so go from ‘willing’ to ‘not willing’ anymore to move on with what I have set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself, others and life itself by first setting something into motion, create a spark of life into physical reality and then pull back, when and as I see everything that is involved that I have not considered on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort of ‘amputate’ a part of myself within myself as not continuing with ‘that what I really want’, within and as the belief ‘that I cannot do that’, where in I actually and simply have not considered all and everything that is involved on forehand and so, I may be able to ‘do that’ if and when I start considering myself as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘amputate everything’ because my starting-point was not in consideration of myself as a whole as what is best for all, myself included and instead of then continue walking with what I have created already and change this into a situation in a best possible way, thinking and believing that I need to ‘stop it all’, to ‘delete it all’ and ‘make it away’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistances that I experience as an excuse to ‘make things away’ and disappear and within this, disappear within myself, in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistances that I experience – in a way where I ‘push away that what triggers experiences of resistance within me’ – as an excuse to ‘make things away’ and disappear, instead of bringing the experience of resistance back to myself, investigate the origin and forgive myself for separating myself from the origin within and as myself.

When and as I see myself participating in a tendency to ‘amputate’ or stop or ‘make away’ something that I started that I then see later is not best for all, I stop and breathe.

I realize that we create a lot from a starting-point that is not yet best for all, in consideration of ourselves and life as a whole, because we have programmed and been programmed in a way of self-interest and it takes time to walk this back, to forgive and change ourselves in this and where in the physical consequenses that we create, shows us where we are not aligned with ourselves as life as a whole, with our ‘integrity’ as life. I realize that this doesnot mean that i need to ‘amputate’ everything and that part of myself but that it actually means that I need to embrace, understand and forgive myself for that part of/as myself.

I commit myself to embrace, understand and forgive myself for something that I create and set in motion that appears to not have been created from a starting-point of myself in my integrity as life as a whole, in consideration of others as life involved and I commit myself to from here, see how I can change this consequense as creation in a way that is now supporting life and considering the life and/as myself as a whole – meaning considering all aspects within me that I see related and moving within.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘push away that what triggers experiences of resistance within me’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the resistance that I experience is showing me a part of myself that I have separated myself from in a moment of ‘loosing control’ somewhere in my life and so, it is showing me ‘where I need to be’; so pushing it away is not a solution. I realize that an experience of resistance in/as the mind, is more a distraction as a temptation of myself in programming, to not see beyond this programming so it is ‘a program protecting itself’. I realize that this program is not really me, but within the program, I have channeled a part of me, of myself as a being and so, I need to bring myself back here towards and within a starting-point of self-direction.

I commit myself to support myself to find, name and forgive the thought as control-mechanism within and as myself myself and to name and forgive myself for participating in the activated energies as related feelings and emotions coming up.

I commit myself to use my body as a point of support and cross-reference for this process while laying down and gently pushing on places within my body that are constricted and that are coming forward – where in my body brings up that what I have missed from/within myself – and here sounding self-forgiveness on thoughts and emotions that come up, without trying to ‘relate to it’ immediately, as I have seen that ‘the sense in it’ will come forward sooner or later, while or after I am supporting my body to release the stored energy.

I commit myself to support my body to support me, through every day taking some time to focus on only breathing within and as my physical body and to continue doing so, no matter if I will be distracted very fast or if it will be long or short, I will do it again and again.

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Previous blog: 6. Decision in a split second

Next blog: 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’


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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Dag 607 – The mind-body relationship – When will I succeed?

wortel voorhouden

Last week I was hosting a Google Hangout about the subject Breathing and The Body. Afterwards we noticed that it were actually two subjects that we discussed in one hangout that became longer than the time I planned to stay within. However for the rest we were all three (Maite, Martijn and I) satisfied about the content and discussions.

Before starting about the body, Maite suggested to keep an eye on how I placed the relationship between physical symptoms and walking process, to not put it as ‘walking process to solve physical problems/symptoms/complains’ but more focus on how the physical symptoms can function as a guide within who I am in relationship to myself and my physical body. Although this was also my starting-point towards this subject, I noticed that within one question, I mixed these two approaches a bit through each other where in I saw that unaware, I was still pushing the point of wanting to ‘solve my physical complains’ through walking process and actually, I want it NOW lol and this playing out each day again, waiting for this to happen.

One can imagine that this is giving pressure on myself and my physical body and within this, I noticed that I was waiting for myself to ‘succeed’ in this and if not, I would not yet allow to really stand for and share what I am walking in/as this process of self-realization, because as long as the physical complains are here and/or are coming back or even may come back, I did not really succeed and so, not allowed by myself to stand and share.

Here I do not take everything into consideration, I fear to do so because what if there are aspects and dimensions that make it impossible to completely ‘solve’ these physical complains during my life in/as the physical? Then I will never be able to ‘succeed’ so to speak. This is the problem with trying to reach a ‘good health’ as it is like a picture of a carriage with a donkey in front of it who is walking behind a carrot on a line, the carrot is holded right before it’s nose but as the donkey walks, the carrot goes foreward because it is carrying the carriage with the one who is holding the line and so, the donkey will not be able to eat the carrot. Or, walking in circles actually, the circles of consiousness. To clarify that animals are not walking behind a carrot but we as humans are doing so in/as the mind while sitting on the box of the carriage, holding the line with the carrot and this picture is a projection of our human mind as how we as humans are in/as the mind, directing life by how we are walking in circles and focus on the result that we project in/as the mind instead on focussing on who are are in/as life within the walking.

Here I notice that I fear to have to live with the physical complains from a spastic colon through all my live. And this fear I am projecting forward as an already created road for myself where in I keep myself prison in/as an experience of fear and so, in/as the mind. Which will enlarge the tension on the large intestine. In which I will enlarge the experience of not succeeding ever.

Theoretical it is not so difficult to grasp, however in the moment of finding myself within the uncomfortability of the spastic state and within this, an unability to release myself from the physical waste (poo), I am having the most difficulties with who I am in relation to myself and my physical body, It is also already an accumulated situation where in I was not aware yet of how I exactly build the tension in the days before, mixed with an accumulation build up throughout my whole life and foundated with some predisposition within the large intestine coming from the familiy-line. So it is quite an integrated and complex state that is physically manifested.

However, if I keep and place my focus on who I am within this process and physically manifested and integrated state, I empower myself to work with that part that I do have a direct influence on, namely who I am within and as myself, being and becoming aware of myself in participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions and from here, seeing how this is influencing myself and my physical body. Even that might be one step too far as this integrated relationship of mind-body-self is developed throughout time and so, several dimensions are active and/or already in an activated state at the same time through which it is still difficult to directly see how my mind-participation is of influence on this specific body-part. I do know that it is of influence but focussing on the finish is not of support for myself of that what I am able and need to walk in small steps in my daily life.

So here I find a sort of reset for walking process from what I have started to walk until now (which is about 3,5 -4 year). When we start walking process, we do not always know what we are stepping into and for me, I only saw and was clear that within the Desteni I Process I will be able to keep on walking with/as myself and others doing the same where in the mind-body relationship is considered. How exactly this will unfold will develop over time while walking and I notice it is more or less in the direction that I was already seeing at the start and at the same time, it is different than what I could comprehend and so much more encompassing as it is including everything. And this is what I did not have learned throughout my life, to include everything and everyone. This is what Life is doing, Life is including itself actually.

As long as I am excluding someone or something, within and/or without myself, I can be sure that I am not standing in oneness and equality in/as life. It is remarkable how something so ‘for the obvious’ can be so difficult to integrate within/as myself to really live and apply and it is even more remarkable how I and we as human beings have let it come this far, to this state of separation within and without.

There is no other solution than to walk it back and learn to understand, forgive and correct that what I have accepted and allowed, within and without myself and while doing so, stop the separation from myself as life. It is not only ‘me fixing my physical complains’ as it is an interconnected process that is including all and everything that exists. Which is starting at home, in my daily life. Where in it seems as if there are more important things to do than learning to communicate with the one’s living nearby. And so it is easy to let myself and my focus be distracted to ‘something bigger outside myself’ in which I unable myself to do anything. But I am able to something in my nearby environment and relationships. Everyday a bit. So that is where I start and move on. Actually I need to go even more inside, into the relationship with myself with and within my physical body as here, the whole universe is actually playing out, as so within so without. The without as a reflection from the within.

To be continued.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

change your angleThe mind-body relationship – Timeline

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
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Dag 358 – Impressed by the interpretation of the impression of others

https://i1.wp.com/www.tekstblog.nl/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/stempel.gif

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself impress by the impression of others as what they speak in words about me within and as a statement and/or retoric question towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impress myself by my own impressions as reactions as thoughts, feelings and emotions in and as the mind of what others may think or feel about or through me which I interpret on my turn in their words and tonality within and as a statement and/or question towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by my belief in the value of judgements of others, and to protect me to not feel hurt anymore, I produce judgements as value to feel better, as a way to control, as a way to be ‘first’ to protect me from this experience of hurt inside myself, to rather place value and/as judgement as a way of control than to feel lost in this experience of hurt again, in and as a belief in the value of judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physical paralized in and as fear of the self-interest of others and/as myself, and in this, start judging everything I fear, as a way to protect myself to not experience this fear for and as the pain that my believe in the value of judgements gives, not seeing, realising and understanding that in this way, I keep on judging myself as others and so I fear myself existing in/as self-interest.

To see beyond the balance of judgement, beyond the balance of the polarity that is existing within the belief in the value of judgement as more or less than me. The Design of Polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself less than my believe in the value of judgement, and so within this, always have and create an experience of ‘loosing’, which is actually an experience of loosing myself in a believe in the value of judgement, in and as the mind, and within this create an experience of hurt, in which I generate energy inside myself and so, I can feel better again within and as myself existing in and as the mind, in and as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the value of judgements in and as a way to control life, not seeing, realising and understanding that within this, I suppress myself as life, I ‘hurt’ myself as life by impressing my interpretation of the impression of others onto myself as life and inprinting this in my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow others as/and me to exist and express in and as judgement, coming forward out of fear to loose myself in the hurt that is caused by the belief in the value of judgements, not seeing, realising and understanding that by allowing judgement, I allow fear of loosing myself equally within this, and so with making more and more judgements, I make more and more  fear, which is accumulating over time until I exist in and as fear in and as control in and as this physical existence as it exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the tendency to crawl into bed under the blankets and not come out again until this experience of fear has fade away, in which I believe the fear is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear I experience is real, which I use as an excuse to not stand up and correct in every moment what I see that needs correction in and as a judgement in and as myself which has caused the fear to exist.

*

When and as I see myself pulling back as suppressing myself because of being impressed by words or an retoric question from another towards me, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that the words every one speak, are an expression of every ones selves, which are impressed on something seen in me as the other and so spoken as if it has something to do with me, but it has not, it is their interpretation of what they see in and as me.

I realize that as long as we are directed by the mind, and speak words in/as a judgement in/as the mind, we speak about ourselves and our words are related to something in/as a judgement in ourselves, in which the word ‘judgement’ means something we give more or less value to and so we are not standing equal to and one as this ‘something’, which we recognize in another person as a reflection of our own personality, and so we tend to impress this something on others as an interpretation.

I realize that if I react to words, spoken as and in the mind, I relate these words to something in/as a judgement, meaning I give more or less value to it, and so I need to investigate all relations with the word I react to and/or with the person as I see as a personality who speaks the words and/or the tonality that all together triggers a personality in me, and so I need to do self-investigations on all these aspects related to this specific moment.

When and as I see myself reacting in thoughts, feelings and/or emotions on the words and/or tonality in a statement and/or a retoric question from another person, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I react in and as an interpretation as a judgement in and as the mind, which I use to control my own reactions inside myself, in which I impress/supress myself in and as self-expression.

I realize that by protecting myself in and as a an interpretation as a judgement, I hurt myself and others in and as a way to control, ‘to be first’, and so within this I do exactly the same that I am protecting myself for in the first place, which is the doom of self-interest, attacking myself and/as others in and as a way of ‘protection’ in and as the mind, in and as control, giving value to judgements as interpretations and opinions existing in and as the mind.

I commit myself, when and as I feel myself reacting as pulling back, to stop and breath. I let the words flow through me, and see what reaction comes up in me, as this is that ‘something’ that I can and need to work with. For the moment, I stop and breathe. If I am clear, I speak up, if I am not clear, I stay in silence and support myself to become clear and stable in this situation. Eventual, I stand up and walk away, breathing, applying some self-forgiveness on what I see coming up. I flag-point this moment and if and when necessary I write it out later to see myself in this, to set myself free from the limitations in and as reactions on the words and/or tonality of another person by applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, and in the next time in inter-action in a similar situation with another person, I see if I have been effective in my application and be stable, or that I need to do some more investigation inside myself to become stable and clear, in and as myself.

I commit myself to investigate why I supress myself in and as reaction instead of standing here and see what it is that I fear to become hurt by, what it is that I belief and within this, what it is that I give value to in and as a judgement, in and as the mind. I embrace myself in this, I let what it is that hurts me, flow through me while I am breathing, so that I can see directly into myself in this, and really forgive myself untill no reaction is coming up, so that and in which I enable myself to correct myself in physical reality.

When and as I see myself existing in fear, wanting to crawl in bed under the blankets to not come out until the fear fade away, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I experience accumulated fear which becomes overwhelming when it is triggered, in which I believe I have to correct ‘everything’ in one moment, which is a projection in and as the mind to enlarge en enhold it’s existence in and as fear.

I realize that real self-correction correction takes place breath by breath, and standing up in this goes easy, quiet, in a move, and only the mind on forehand is giving a lot of noise to create and stay in fear.

I realize that I can embrace myself and lay down, breathing, holding myself, but, that I cannot crawl under the blankets and stay in the bed, as the fear is not fading away by itself, it will only be suppressed in and as the sleep comes up, and so it will come back, even more accumulated.

I commit myself to embrace myself, hold myself, move myself, forgive myself if and when existing in fear and/or hurt. I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness on specific thoughts/feelings/emotions, triggerpoints that I see and come up, I see what is supportive as self-correction, I feel in my body where the fear is manifested and realize that this is related to old experiences as judgements that I gave value to in and as a believe in and as the mind, which I suppressed and so stored in my physical body. So, it takes time to walk this through, to write it out, to forgive myself, to correct myself, breath by breathe, as a support for and as myself, with and as this fear, not resisting it, as resistance will only enlarge the experience.

And first of all, I commit myself to STOP and BREATHE, to eventual speak some words in common sense to myself and within this move myself OUT of this fear existing in/as the mind. I allow myself to move out of this state of mind.

rode goedgekeurd stempel

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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Equal Life Foundation:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

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Proces van relatie naar agreement:
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Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/