Dag 754 – To never accept and allow it again

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’,  if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

Thanks for reading!


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Uil forgive

Dag 750 – 29. Care as motivation

This blog is related to record 29: Care as motivation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘having a child’ and/or ‘being in a relationship’ must be ‘taken care of’ before I actually and really will be able to take care of myself in and as life and/as life as a whole, where in my self-interest – showing it’s face in ‘emotional experiences’ of ‘unfulfilled desires’ – is ‘leading me‘ or better said ‘controling me’ where in I also not take care in what is best for myself and so, I keep myself actually prisoned or controled within my own emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself locked in within the control of my emotional experiences of unfulfilled desires in which I believe that ‘I can not live without’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can not live without that what I desire, where I use this actually as a distraction within and as myself, in and as my own mind as a belief that I can not live without the control of my own mind within thoughts, feelings and emotions, as this then ‘feels like I die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I will die’ without having a connection within and as my mind where in I channel myself into certain desires, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this I project my own mind in the ‘state of death’ or ‘sleeping state’ that I exist in within this moment while participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions and following and believing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow thoughts, feelings and emotions in and as my mind within polarity that lead up to ‘a death end’ when the energy of polarity runs out, instead of looking at ‘living words’ that are best for all, including myself, that I can assist and support myself with and ‘breathe’ myself into life with, step by step, day by day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blanko and tired here without exactly seeing what and how I do ‘hold onto’ certain experiences related to ‘love and relationships’ and what this ‘gives’ to me.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of fear, related to a relationship, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear is an experience of the other side of the coin of the experience of love and that I may have gone into an experience of love, to not ‘feel’ the experience of fear or ‘uncertainty’ within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perhaps go into an experience of love to not feel the experience of fear or uncertainty within and as myself.

I commit myself to slow down and look carefully into the experience of fear within and as myself, within the realization that ‘fear of another’ is a thought in essence and so, there is a judgement as thought connected within and as myself, towards this ‘other’ as myself and so I also commit myself to realize that there is then most of time a self-judgement involved and so, I commit myself to keep on finding the thoughts as (self)-judgements and forgiving myself within, related to an experience of fear/love towards someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferences in life as for example I do naturally like animals and so, this is a more easy motivation for me to ‘take care’, for myself and for life as a whole and that I still do experience quite some fear as resistance to ‘people’ which is because of how the mind consciousness systems are living out the inequality.

When and as I experience a fear as resistance coming up within me in interaction with another person, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am reacting to how an inequality is living out and that I ‘fear’ to keep standing and so, I somewhere judge myself in this fear and state of ineffectiveness or, I judge myself for the same thing that I do not yet see within and as myself.

I commit myself to embrace and forgive myself for my own inequalities in and as this fear as thoughts as judgements that comes up when and as an inequality is playing out and I commit myself to find and use a living word in which I make myself more effective and directed to what I see that is supporting me to stand up, to keep standing and stable in a way that is best for myself as well as for others involved, in the small moments of every day life.

Previous blog: 28. Learned a lot

This blog is connected to the last record of this serie of self-reflection on the years of my biological fertility. I have found it of great support for myself to walk it all through and share, to free myself from a certain ‘charge’ that I experienced to it all and while doing so, I could bring it back to experiences coming up within situations in current time and bring this into self-forgiveness as well.

Thank you for reading, listening and walking with.

I will continue with what is ahead and coming up within myself and my life to take care of, within and as myself, for myself and for life as a whole. It may only reach one or a few other beings at the moment, however I do understand that a ripple effect will take place that I/we may not yet see or be aware of, as every one who is taking responsibility is part of a one+one+one.


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 746 – 25. Can a decision be wrong or right?

This blog is related to record 25: Can a decision be wrong or right?

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at decisions or actually ‘choices’ in the past as if it was ‘wrong or right’ where in I then again go into a polarity where in I see that the whole situation is actually not coming from a starting-point of consideration and care of all aspects within myself and so not ‘best for all participants’ so from here, I create a situation where in I need to make a decision that, whatever I ‘choose’ to do, it will have consequences in some way, because my starting-point was not aligned within and as self-care and care for life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘wrong and right’ outcome through already being separated within and as my starting-point when and as I am coming from a point of self-interest, in which I can only exist if and when I have separated myself from myself, from life, from self-care and from care for life as a whole, meaning, when I have separated myself from considering all aspects and participants before moving myself in a certain direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand with myself in where I am at a certain moment within my process and instead, start judging my choices and actions in the past as being ‘right or wrong’ and so, keeping myself within a state of judgement for longer than necessary, instead of immediately going into self-forgiveness and so taking responsibility for myself within the separation that I exist in, in and as the mind in a certain moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and keeping myself victimized, within judging my choices and decisions in the past, instead of using the consequences to face myself from a point of self-support and so, immediate and when I am able to, going into the living of self-forgiveness as an understanding of myself and where I come from and within doing so, I take responsibility for myself within the separation that I exist and existed in – separation in thoughts, words and deeds – and within this expansion of self-responsibility, I create a platform for myself to from now on do it different and with more and more consideration for myself in all aspects and for life as a whole in all aspects.

When and as I see myself going into searching for a ‘wrong or right’ for choices I have made in the past, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I here lengthen my own process as it does not make sense to create a polarity (in judging something as ‘wrong or right’) within myself from what I already existed in as a polarity.

I commit myself to find the point within myself that I did not consider myself in all aspects and life as a whole (or all participants) and where in I have influenced my starting-point into a state of separation as well and I commit myself to be self-honest within this, to face the dark aspects of self-interest, of fear, of protection and defence-mechanism that I have created as a way to try to control my environment and from here, to unconditionally forgive myself and embrace the shame and when I have been able to, to then unconditionally let it go so that I can move on within this new and expanded expression of responsibility within and as myself.

When and as I see myself searching for ‘what to do’ within a decision-making and then looking for what is ‘wrong or right’ in this, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not totally clear within myself on where I stand or that I am not yet able to stand for what I see that is best for myself in all aspects.

I commit myself to embrace myself within the fear and control-mechanisms that I have created and to forgive myself unconditionally in what I see as a ‘weakness’ within me to from here, move through the experiences of fear and control in every day life, step by step, moment by moment and in every moment again, seeing what is best to do, to say or maybe to not do and say and I commit myself to support myself in this through receiving perspectives from others as well, as a support and cross-reference for myself in where I stand.

Previous blog: 24. Expecting another chance

Next blog: 26. A worst nightmare scenario


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 352 – Bernard Poolman (English)

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Sunday 11 august 2013 Bernard Poolman has passed away. His heart stopped beating.

See blogpost on Creation’s Journey to Life.

*

I am not sure where to begin so I describe what I walk through since the message sunday afternoon that Bernard passed away.

When I read the message on email I first understood that his heart stopped beating and I expected that the message would go on like ‘he is in the hospital and being reanimated’ or something like that.

This is not so. Bernard really passed away.

Sadness is the first thing that comes up in me, together with disbelief and incomprehension and a thought as ‘what should we do now?!’

Soon after this it become very clear to me what to do: to move on with the activities that I am doing, and with the group who will continue doing the tasks. It was as if I was making some kind of checklist inside myself to see if I am able to continue the work what I started within Desteni, without the physical presence of Bernard being here anymore.

I am able to continue. I have called Larry and Sylvie and asked them to open the email. I wanted to share this with them. In the hourse after this, I was still pretty clear.

We have had chat at 20.00 with the whole group. Within this it became clear that Bernard will not be coming through the Portal:

Bernard will not be coming through the Portal. You must understand that Bernard was an individual standing within and as all of existence in his Physical Body; now that he is no more in his physical body, he as what he stood as, as life, as here, as all, as one, as equal still remains within existence; but he is no more an individual being/person………….. So, we cannot talk with him personally as a him personally did only exist for the time-being on earth as to what was necessary to be done. Therefore, we as individuals still here have to stand and walk this Physical Process. The dimensional process is/has been done and walked  we have to take it from here into/as the Physical and we have everything we need.

And here the real sadness came up. He is really not here anymore as ‘Bernard’, also not as an individual being in the dimensions.

The group is directly standing up within the responsibility to continue with the activities in and as Desteni untill it’s done. There are questions but there will be coming an interview from Sunette and this will probably answer most of the questions.

In the hours that follow, everything becomes clear very fast with regards to the points that I have not yet taken real responsibility for within myself; the things that I saw, but not yet ‘picked up’ to really change within myself. All these points actually leads towards the same conclusion, that I still trusted on Bernard in a way, that I am not really aware of what ‘life’  is, that I do not understand how he can deside to not continue as an individual being but as existance everywhere, being present in all life. Most of all are related to missing a point of absolute certainty. This is what I have missed so much during my life, and what I have experienced, seen and received as a support and example from Bernard. This is the point what I did not bring into standing in a sufficient way within myself because of participation within and as the mind, which gives an experience of self-doubt.

I notice that I made attachments towards Bernard with regards to his total effort with absolute certainty to bring in Life as what is best for all, untill it’s done, and that I used his absolute certainty and dedication as a motivation to push myself through. After being in South-Africa, I have asked myself several times if I would move on in self-honesty no matter what, and the answer was ‘yes’ every time. It is what I wanted to do for already 20 years, but what I was not able to take on in totality, because I was missing the complete information, the tools to bring it into practise and a living example of how to do this. I was missing the act of self-forgiveness, and without self-forgiveness, no real change is possible. Bernard and Desteni gave me the information, the practical tools and the living example, and within Desteni I picked up tasks that I am able to complete, with or without Bernard, and so I can move on with what I am doing already.

At the same time I noticed that there was still hesitation to really live in absolute certainty and dedication towards and as life. It was as if there was some kind of, “yes, but” within myself, and I was moving, but it seems like moving too slow; it felt like pushing through a fuzzy cloud of distraction.

So, the absolute certainty and effort from Bernard I used as a motivation to push myself through. And this is what I need to be for myself. During this week after his passing away, I notice a change in myself and around me, as if some veil, some ‘noise’ has moved with him. This is related to the removing of the physical systems that he was working on, and the last one that he took on while and with leaving his physical body. (There will be coming interviews about this from Sunette – you can read her blog here). As if for the first time, I see myself as being able to do this, to take full responsibility for my own mind and to work together with the group on bringing a solution into the world. I experience it as if the support as the living principles as Life as Bernard was standing in and as, is spread out everywhere in and as existence, as a platform to walk on, available for everyone who is ready to face oneself in self-honesty.

There is no choise anymore: I have to walk into living as what I see, realize and understand as the only solution and we as a group as Desteni have to walk and bring the solution into the world, and we as a group as humanity have to bring this change into living, as the only solution to live in equality and oneness in and as this physical world. We have to be, become and continue in being practical living beings as what is best for all, and within this we have to stand the test of time, as Bernard stood the test of time and has become timeless and always Here, in and as support as Life, in and as the Living Principles.

His carefullness in every breath, is what stands most by me, as Anna is also describing in her blog about Bernard.

This starts in tender care in and as myself,in the very small things. Really listening to myself. Applying self-forgiveness on the fear that comes up in this; fear for standing up in and as life in carefullness in a world that is not carefull. There is so much to do in this before I am really able to be carefull in every breath.

(Compassion in Action)  (Blog Cathy)

Life is caring, the mind is not. So the systems that exist have to be realligned with and as the living principles as what is best for all in and as carefullness, and so we need to stop the starting point of self-interest in and as the mind. This starts within ourselves, as only when we as as humanity change into carefull and trustworthy beings, we will be able to change the world into a place that is Best for All Life.

This is what Bernard and Sunette are pointing out every time again: “You only need to take full responsibility for your own Mind Consiousness System and to forgive and change yourself within this”.

This is how change will take place as 1+1+1+1+1

“Give as you would like to receive”.

Within this, real care will come in. As first there is the giving and then there is the receiving.

Bernard said several times to me: “You are still scared of people”. “What to do” I asked. “It’s a thought”, he answered.

Within my witness-blog about going to the farm I described (part of) my experience with  Bernard on the farm.

I can keep on writing while the words are not fully describing what Bernard has given and how gratefull I am for what he has done. It is to each one of us to really live as his example in and as the Living Principle.

Here are a few lines from the chat that shows how it is not about Bernard but about the Living Principle that he brought into the world, and only living by this living principles and within this, bringing life into the world until it is done, until all is life, is a real expression of gratefullness and respect towards Bernard, who is standing as Life-Self-Realised. Because, what we all are really missing is

LIFE

in and as ourselves, and so in and as the world:

we have to become the living example of the living principle in the physical (Sunette)

he’s always stood in existence, as existence – here, so he’s “here”, but not “Bernard as an individual” – what I mean with ‘he’s here in/as existence’ is the Principle, Life (Sunette)

he told us -it is never about the individual, but the principles, thus we cannot use any excuses that bernard is not alive, because the principles still stand and it is up to us to stand (Cameron)

Consider the point that Bernard wasn’t something special  but the embodiment of a principle that we can all develop ourselves as; so  then I would suggest to simply stand as that point yourself of giving yourself your life back through being disciplined, and diligent in your process of standing up (Viktor)

he will be missed – but we will not miss his message/his words/what he stood for/as – this we’ve got to take and live and continue to do so (Sunette)

I would say Bernard did a better job than Jesus. Establishing the process of walking as equals as one as the principle – so we individually and together see this through, he was the guiding point, and now we have enough guidance to guide ourselves and each other and so to those still to come to be walking with us (Sunette)

we cannot rely on one single individual as that would be again ‘following a message’ instead of living it (Marlen)

Need to look at what you saw in bernard and found missing within yourself and then give it to yourself (Fidelis)

All he ever asked of us is show others the support he has given us (Fidelis)

we each stand as a specific point within this process – Bernard stood as the living example of what we are to become, life self-realised – walking the process we have established / each has ‘their point to stand’ – so, ‘life individualized’ is like self realisation process of being/becoming life and we have the process / structure to walk to be/become it (Sunette)

 Bernard Poolman –  Living The Word Alive: DAY 231

Thank you

Video support Marlen

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(This is partly a translation of the Dutch blog that I wrote on 13 august 2013)

(Dutch blog with related self-forgiveness)

(Witness Blog)

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
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