Dag 808 – Zero point

Back to writing! It is a month ago since my last blog which is not as long as it seems. I really start missing this moment with myself in the writing of a blog and sharing it with you who is reading. I find it different and more effective in the sense of grounding the self-commitment, than the introspection writings throughout the day on paper. As in ‘two or more in my name’; there is a witness to the life-commitment. Within the blog-writing I am satisfied with and as myself to express myself in what I stand for and as. This all because of me being part of a group of ‘journey to life – walkers’ 🙂 (which we actually are all as humanity) however here specificly with the application of the writing-tools find in Desteni I Process Lite as a free online-course. For all who are considering and / or hesitating to start a blog as a 7 years journey to life after doing this course; I can really recommend to start the writing.

I will continue on the subject of disappointment as I am not yet finished with this emotion. I find it very deep ingrained within me on many levels but all related to a particular area.

When looking back at my path with regards to relationships, the overall experience is….such a disappointment. Not about who I have met and walked with, but more in relation to the results, the endings, the non-continuation and so many start-overs.

I feel like I am at zero point within it all. Like nothing did make any sense of what I have walked in it, as it all lead to a death end, while I so much did my best to make it work. I know by consciousness that it is not about ‘a relationship with another’ mainly but more about the relationship with myself. Did this improve? Yes the relationship with myself did improve for sure.

Then what makes this experience of disappointment so deeply ingrained; what makes me feel such a failure in this area? I mean I can describe it more beautiful and see the lessons in it etc etc, however how I mainly experience myself in it all is not so beautiful. And this does not make it easier to open myself up for a potential new relationship / agreement and put myself out there. It feels like this sorrow and disappointment is all over my face and visible within my eyes; like a droopy. It feels like I have walked this same route a trillion times and perhaps it is a preprogramming existing throughout all my lives.

However, I am here in this one life, having the basics within myself and my life (housing, income, health, education) in a stable place and having the luck to be in a position to accomplish this. So, I everytime come back to the point that I will will myself to at least give it my all to become more satisfied with myself in this area and who knows, creating a satisfying sharing-ship (I just made up this word) that suits myself and another and so that is best for ourselves as life as a whole.

I notice that I am not living my best potential and that I actually have missed, again and again, my best potential in this one point. So I more see this area as a motivation to push myself beyond the mind. Making the strength out of a weakness where in this area I almost every day doubt if I will ever be able to make something more of myself. I more and more see how challenging it is to move myself beyond the mind-programming and how convenient and ‘natural’ it feels to stay within the comfort of what I already know.

I have had several times a ‘meeting’ with the bees (yes the insects) that stands out to me. First time was a few weeks ago when a swarm bees were flying above my garden. It gave a loud buzzing and they keep hanging around for quite some time. I just had read before an article that some swarms were being let out or something like that – I am not even sure if it was in my living-area – and to just let them be(e) as they were replacing themselves. A little while later I shared this with a befriended couple and we looked up the information about ‘meaning of meeting bees’ in your life. The thing that was clearly mentioned is the work effort they put in every day. On my way home after this meeting again…the swarm was passing over above my head. Very remarkable as it was days or even weeks later after the first time having the swarm above my garden. I looked it up again at home in another book – same thing mainly came forward, as putting in the work and effort.

Today in the garden I sat next to flowers with bees busy close to me and even sat on my legs now and then. Now within this all – what also did go through me is thoughts like ‘oh my, what if they come down in the garden and the cats are still out there (first time with the swarm above the garden) or today thoughts like ‘hmmm will it stick me when sitting on my leg’? But mainly I enjoyed them being around. And here, while taking a break of this blog with a coffee in the garden, again surrounded by these bees, what again comes to my awareness is to look at and integrate the work and effort. Like a bee being diligent.

I had reflected on this ‘work and effort’ earlier this week and actually came to see that I did Not really put in the work and effort to really Create a sharing-ship with a male-partner (I do bring in myself more in friendships with females and also males; that is why I mention it specific as male-partner here). It somehow looks like I do a lot for it but when looking back, I every time step in from a point of convenience and from there trying to bring in what I find important, which then mainly fails on long term. I am not yet making this last step, this push of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’. And within this I create an experience of disappointment and difficulty.

When really looking at this point of work and effort, it is not difficult persé but more a constant and continues effort of self-expression that may feel unnatural. And I see this on many levels and area’s, that achieving something is not difficult persé, but more a matter of who is bringing in the time and effort to create that something that is seen as a possibility as best for life as a whole.

So yes, here I have failed to do this and this level of ‘failing’ (Dutch and English blog) is hidden inside myself; where it looks from a mind-perspective that I ‘tried everything’. I find it a very much veiled dimension of why things may ‘fail’ to take shape and sustain. The mind makes it look like ‘everything has been done already’ when actually nothing is accomplished in and as a sustainable and effective matter. Welcome to how the world is build up and exist today.

No surprise then that the bees are ‘threatened in their existence’. As the bees Do bring in this effort and they Do matter, however we as the human race tend to destroy it all from a starting-point of the mind, of superiority, of making money more important than Life.

Here the word Humbleness does make sense a lot. As something that we need to integrate as humans in and as ourselves and so in and as our way of living.

Back to myself – I can use the word humbleness to support myself to start from scratch in this zero-point. I need to admit that I have not yet developped the best approach with regards to finding and creating a sharing-ship with a male partner. What I find striking as well in Leila’s blog, how she describes how walking a change, does contain admitting that I had not yet done and walked what is best in this area and this may exist as a reason / resistance and standing in the way, of actually changing for real:

(…) ‘Don’t change, because if you change, you’re actually acknowledging that something’s wrong with you, that you’re less than, that you’re…bad!’ (…)

Let’s go to the application of self-forgiveness to open up and make room for the practical application of change; as a start of this change within and without.

Self-forgiveness being walked in the next blog.

The Consciousness of the Bees


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive
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Dag 794 – A moment of change

I am used to drink little to no alcohol. This has not always been the case. During my studying years, I did go out a lot and used more alcohol than was good for my body. So I mostly was drinking with others in the weekends or on free days, however I also remember having some wine in the house and then on Wednesday, started taking a glass in home when being alone and then used some up till the weekend again. I did not feel so well with this and also not with the effect of it and at some point, I decided to stop this because I noticed an addiction pattern in it that bothered me, no matter how small the amount was as for example ‘only one or a half glass of wine’.

Through the years, I brought down the intake up till the point of little to no drinking at all. I still liked the taste of a nice glass of wine but I have seen so much trouble around me and close to me through an abusive intake of alcohol, that I developed a bit of a dislike towards drinking alcohol in general.

I am now living alone again and I noticed that I sometimes felt the ‘need’ (behoefte-Dutch) to drink a little wine when being at home and alone, for example ‘a glass of wine before/during cooking’. I tried this out a few times, looking at how to approach this and what the effect is on myself. I was looking at allowing myself to sometimes have a glass of wine during cooking, or deciding to not drink alone at all and keeping a glass of wine as a form of enjoyment when being with someone else – for example a friend or a family member. I still did like the first few sips very much:, the taste and the ‘warm’ effect in the body. But I also noticed the same ‘pattern’ as twenty years before coming up when drinking a glass of wine in the house: I was ‘looking forward to this’; I had an ‘open bottle’ in the house (even when I buy bottles of 250 cc I have this open till next time) that I then tend to take the next day ‘because it is open’; I did feel a bit ‘fuzzy’ after drinking it. Things like that.

After a few times, I decided to not buy this small bottle for myself to keep in the house. At one afternoon, I felt like ‘having a glass of wine’ and was looking if I should buy some or not and how to put this in place for myself. I actually and self-honestly, wanted to keep this drinking for some occasional enjoyment when for example being with a friend and/or having a nice diner, something like that, but I also liked the taste when having a little by myself. However I did not like ‘being busy’ with this in my head, every time that I start cooking for example. I did notice this ‘need’ keeping existing and coming up within me as to fulfill something within myself in these moments. And in that moment, that afternoon, I changed something.

I decided to not go for this ‘need’ and to stick with my initial approach (to occasional have a nice drink together to enjoy as a delicacy). There was this one moment where I needed to walk through an experience of ‘emotional loss’ – I cannot describe exactly what it was. But I noticed, because I had not allowed myself to build it up through time again, that it was only that one moment that I needed to stand with/as myself in this self-honest approach, before the energy decreased and I was through.

In this moment I did see clearly that a build up through time makes it difficult to keep standing when an energy is coming up and ‘trying to take over’ so to speak. This gives many layers and emotional/feeling connections that needs to be ‘disconnected’ and released, that makes it feeling like ‘undoable’ and immens. But in this moment, I saw what the direct way of ‘not accepting and allowing’ is giving me: a strength and deep satisfaction and after this, time and quietness to focus on other things. Because I did not accept and allow to let it become an issue and distraction again.

I was able to do this quickly because I had already walked this path extensively and going there again was not needed to piece myself together. However it now also gives myself a reference of the ‘reward’ so to speak (the peace, satisfaction, quietness and space) of directly/immediately standing with and as my self-honesty – although I may not see everything that is connected on forehand. Where I did see that I am used to check on forehand within myself, ‘if I am able to step out again if needed’. So this means in this example, that what I am used to do and look at within myself is the following way: “Can I have a drink now and then at home alone, although I see that this is not best for myself eventually and so I ‘know’ in a way that somehow/somewhere I need to (and will) stop this/step out of this again? And then I ‘check’ within myself if I see myself able to stop/step out of it in the the future”. If the answer is “yes, I can stop/step out of this in the future when and as needed”, then I decide many times to still ‘do it’ and actually ‘go get my bliss’. Until ‘I am done’ with it or until I cannot have it anymore, and then I stop. And then I need to walk through the build up layers again of emotional/feeling release. So I am actually used to walk through points the long way and more or less even believed that I ‘have to do it like this’ in many occasions.

This is not the most effective way and I can distract myself with this a whole life (and actually I have distracted myself with this many many years already). I now for the first time saw direct the effect of accumulation of energy and what it takes to walk through this and how I can instead, bring myself more and more to this direct/immediate point of standing and change in a moment. And this then can also start accumulating, in a beneficial way, for myself and life as a whole, into and towards my self-honest standing; moment by moment, breath by breath.

After this it did not come up again as a ‘need’ or desire’ to have a glass of wine in the house alone and this is a relief. A thought may come up now and then but not loaded with energy anymore and so not much of my attention is going to this point anymore. That was what I noticed in this one moment of change, that I stand and changed and released and I was through and it was done. Because I had not build up a lot of energetic attachments around it again/anymore. And when it comes up as a thought, I am satisfied with my decision/approach/stand and so I can ‘stand with/as myself’ in this.

As an addition, I decide to drink an occasional glass of wine with others, because this is what I can self-honestly stand with and enjoy as a delicacy; when I at the same time have already proven to myself as walked before, that I will let go and stop drinking any glass of wine if I see that this is better/best for me and/or others in my life in time to come or in a certain period of time.


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 760 – What am I passionate about?

I was looking within myself this morning for what I am passionate about, what makes me move, wanting to get op in the morning? I have seen many times within me, that I project my passion on a relationship and then ‘needing’ the relationship to ‘live my passion’. In this I make myself dependent on the relationship and/or partner and I place a lot of pressure on the relationship and partner (and on myself) as well.

I have also found some area’s through my life, that really have my deep interest, like for example the natural medicine and animals. However this I have found, is still not the ‘core’ of what I find that really matters. I have found in this that I can not totally ‘go for it’ – like for example starting a natural medicine practice, which is something that I have tried as well, but that has not been coming from the ground. There is always something ‘missing’ as something that makes it ‘matter’ within myself.

Then we can of course say from a point of knowledge and information, that it is ‘me’ that is missing, that ‘I’ make it work or not. And that is so, but still it is undefined, as what is this ‘me’ that I want to bring in?

This morning I came to the insight that what matters for me and what I am passionate about, is ‘Principled Living’.

Principled living is what I have learned to define within the past 6-7 years, since I started to walk with Desteni and the Desteni I Process. And here everything comes together as ‘the missing pieces’. However, only by now, I dare to define that what I am passionate about: principled living. And I easily project this on relationships, because in relationships and especially within an intimate or  partner-relationship, the need for principled living is clearly coming forward and here I see an ability within myself to bring this in.

In general and for a long time I experience a fear of voicing myself in standing for this principled living and a ‘fear of people’ in general and through this, more than I can see it as passion and motivation, the motivation comes up as a fear, for example when I wake up in the morning and it comes up as something that I experience as a pressure and demotivation to stand up and that makes me wanting to stay in bed and keep hiding. Which only enlarges the experience of demotivation so I did push and push every day to keep going, to not stay in bed too long and to not too much oversleep, to get my things done because I have also seen through my life that this is what I can move on with, that if I do stand up and start, I will find a motivation within me in some small aspects and if not, I will find it next day.

So the ‘spark’ we can say, this ‘spark of life’ within and as me actually kept showing it’s face, together with the common sense that I need to keep going and do my things and if not, things will only become worse and more difficult. But I could not say that I am ‘passionate’ – from which I see now that I have a certain ‘idea or picture’ about the word ‘passion’. When I look at it while writing, this ‘drive’ or ‘spark’ combined with common sense is already a core-element of ‘passion’ that I very much suppressed with fear within and as myself but that also has been here within me as long as I remember.

There is much to say about ‘fear’ as it has many aspects and I cannot say that ‘I just need to stop the fear’ as it doesnot work this way. The fear within and as myself, has been channeled in many ways and layers within my thoughts, words and deeds as ‘who I am’ and so it asks for a ‘walking back through layers’,  to detach myself from it step by step so that eventually, I can make the decision that ‘I don’t need it anymore’. And then still it will come up, but now I can become the starting-point and direct myself through the fear and not so much ‘me being directed by fear’ without really seeing how and where this begins within myself.

So, a starting-point for myself as ‘what am I passinate about?’ is ‘Principled Living’. As I have seen that without principled living, no relatinship will stand the test of time and no project will keep standing in a way that is considering the life-integrity that is existing within each of us.  So without principled living, there will be a constant fear for the abuse of ‘not being considered’ and this gives a lot of protection and defense-mechanism coming up, that will for example come through as a (obvious or subtile) form of manipulation, revenge, hiding, attacking, blame and what more.

Principled Living is described in a document; however the core of it is a way of living that is considering what is best for all life, without excluding anything or anyone, where each and all and everything is approached from a starting-point of equality and oneness, as this is the only way to ensure that nothing and no-one will be left behind. And here it already shows that this contains so many aspects to be looked at and how to do this, however if we are willing to be humble and to learn what ‘principled living’ entails, then what opens up is a possibility for change, because we, as the starting-point, are willing to learn how to change ourselves that eventually, will resonate into a change in the world, into a place that is best for all life, nothing and no-one excluded.

To be continued with self-forgiveness on the ‘fear of my passion’ that I describe here above.


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 742 – 21. Opportunity to change direction

This blog is related to record 21: Opportunity to change direction

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to change direction and to step into the unknown and within this, knowing that I have somehow ‘missed an opportunity’ for expansion within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not daring to change direction and stepping into a new area, where at the same time, I saw that it may have been too much expansion within the unknown without enough practical and grounded (self-)support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel thorn for so many years between seeing a potential and living a potential and within this, feeling myself as ‘less than’ who I perceive in and as the mind that I can be, without really seeing, realizing and understanding the extensive process that is existing between seeing and living my potential that is not easily stepped in and walked as something that is most challenging for myself and everyone else to really walk in and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think lite’ about the challenging process of stepping into the unknown and within this, letting go of the control of my own mind-programming as ‘that what I know’ and through this ‘thinking lite/light ;-)’, diminishing myself in who I am within walking what I am physically able to in that specific moment and so walk moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through the eyes of my own mind and within this, create a ‘matrix’ or ‘breeding ground’ for ‘feeling less than’ and ‘feeling better than’ others in/as myself within comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself through a separation of my physical stability as ability, within my emotional dependency as inability in/as the mind and so creating this emotional/mind dependency as self-inability in/as the physical and sabotaging and stopping my physical ability as potential to give birth to a child (and to give birth to myself as life as well).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and stop my own physical ability as potential to live, within listening to and living in and as my emotional dependency in/as the mind, instead of stopping my emotinal dependency in/as the mind and stepping into this physical doorway of opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself physically and within and as self-expression from a starting-point of fear for the unknown, thinking and believing that I cannot make it, that I will fall into depression and fall apart and crash down if and when I would let go of this emotional dependency in/as the mind as the ‘one and only relationship’ that I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am right and make the right decision when and as I follow that what I know within my emotional dependency in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to hear another advise that is saying that I am allowed to reconsider my decision that I firstly made as a safe ground to walk on, although I do realize somewhere within that moment that I skipp a part of myself to invest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is a possibility to skipp a part of myself to invest and thinking and believing that I ‘do come away with this’ and that I ‘can escape’ somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a dream as a ‘consciousness sign’ as a confirmation of my decision in safe ground and to not listen to a practical, physical advise from a friend who is opening up a dimension within and as myself that I have not yet considered, simply because I experience too much fear to open it up and rather stick to consciousness as what know and so, what I believe that I can control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to let go of my limited consciousness system if and when it is not or no longer at my advantage and to want to keep it when and as I think that it is or can be at my advantage and so, separating myself within this conflict of not standing absolute in equality and oneness as what is best for myself as live as a whole, this as a way to avoid the difficult and unknown parts within and as myself to walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to walk around the difficult parts within and as myself, thinking and believing that ‘I do not know how to do this’ but actually to avoid unpleasant experiences within and as myself (that I for example have connected to ‘not knowing how to do this’).

When and as I see myself participating in a thought of ‘I do not know how to do this’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am avoiding an unpleasant experience within and as myself.

I commit myself to allow myself to experience the unpleasant and within this, using the tool of self-forgiveness and breathing, to walk through and see what opens up as possible solution and I commit myself to keep pushing and walking, no matter how slow it goes, no matter how tired I feel or really physically am; this can not be an indication to not push through but even more an indication that I need to keep pushing because ‘going back’, is not an option, where in I realize that this is part of the birthing process of birthing myself as life, in and as the physical, walking through all tge layers of consciousness and taking responsibility for how I have separated myself within all these systemized dimensions.

When and as I see that I ‘think lite’ of the challenging process of stepping into the unknown as no longer following consciousness programming and letting go of a control-mechanism, from myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the theory is easy but really walking it is a different story because in many layers, there are stored unpleasant experiences as moments of an experience of ‘loosing control’ as misunderstanding of what is happening and here I need to walk backwards through these experiences one by one, to be able to forgive as understand myself in this specific experience so that from here, I enable myself to change into a way that is supportive and best for myself and/as others that are involved as well.

I commit myself to keep on supporting myself within the constant and consistent application of breathing, writing and introspection within self-forgiveness as self-understanding and to do this with perseverance, to be able to stand and keep standing within the moment, without taking control in/as the mind and then seeing what opens up, no matter if I fail or fall or apparently not am moving myself and no matter how miserable I experience myself for a while or certain timeframe –  and so, I live and ground myself in and as the word perseverance.

When and as I see myself judging a control-mechanism, from myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that judging in itself is a form of control as the only way that I have learned and seen in and as the mind to try to solve things, when actually the judging in itself keeps the door closed for possible and livable solutions.

I realize that the unpleasant experiences are actually coming from an idea as judgement of how things should be.

I commit myself to start with naming and forgiving the experience that comes up that I find unpleasant, in the moment that I see myself judging a control-mechanism and to name and forgive the idea as judgement within and as myself and I commit myself to first become stable within this and from here, see what needs to be directed within the situation itself that I then can open up without ‘being upset’ and ‘feeling controled’, because then I have already directed myself and so, no longer controling myself with an idea and unpleasant experience and I commit myself to keep on practising this self-stability because,

this in itself is already a change in direction within and as myself and all these little moments of apparently loosing control, are opportunities to change direction, within and as myself.

Previous blog: 20. Searching for the life within me

Next blog: 22. looking back without considering the mind

———————————————————————————————————————————

Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 720 – 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’

This blog is related to record 8: Feeling like ‘going of my path’

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘going of my path’ if I would continue with the pregnancy, coming forward out of a ‘not knowing how’ and an experience of ‘not being able to’ keep standing on my own feet alone when I would continue with the pregnancy as what I did ‘forsee’ in this is me stepping in a relationship that I did not want to step in at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like compromising myself if and when I would step in that relationship while continuing with the pregnancy instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I not necessarily would compromise myself by stepping in but that it would depend on ‘who I am’ within and also, that I had already compromised myself from the beginning (by not taking everything into consideration as how I wrote out in a blog before) and so, each a decision would somehow/somewhere compromise a part of myself within physical reality as that part that I did not consider at first but that within this, I could and am able to take responsibility for myself in my initial decision and consequenses, through and as the living of self-forgiveness and while doing so, stop the compromising patterns within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have a ‘path’ that I need to follow without seeing, realizing and understanding that this so called ‘path’ is preprogrammed and determined to keep me in a program in/as the mind consciousness system, if and when I do not stand up and change myself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot step in ‘my path’ as a preprogrammed design and so, break off every single thing that I see as ‘my path’ instead of seeing a preprogramming as a design support to show me where and how I have separated myself from myself as the directive principle of who I am, in every situation.

And so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a polarity experience with ‘my path’ of ‘not wanting to step in’ and at the same time, ‘not being allowed to step out’ and within this, keep myself at a point of not changing or expanding anything because of not being able to step in or start anything for myself with regards to relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my experience of depression and within this, having a fear of a post-natal depression if and when I will continue the pregnancy and within this, perceiving myself completely loosing my directive principle within this situation that ‘may happen in future’, if and when I decide to keep the child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that depression in itself is a form of victimization of myself and from here, a form of manipulation of my envirionment that does not go ‘how I want’ and so, I do not see, realize and understand how I make myself dependent on my environment and so, I am pulling myself back from ‘my environment’ as a temptation to keep a form of control in/as the mind as how I perceive who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make ‘who I am’ as my directive principle, dependent on my environment by thinking and believeing that ‘how I feel is who I am’ and so, try to control and manipulate my environment within an experience of depression and from here, decide to follow up this control within and as myself and so, control myself, my pregnancy, my unborn child and the father of the unborn child within a decision to have an abortion as the only way that I see to stand up within this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even say sorry to the father of the unborn child and find it ‘my right’ to make the decision for myself without involving him but only ‘notifying’ him after that I have made ‘my decision’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the pregnancy as something that deep within myself I wanted and wanted to continue and let the child come and do everything possible to stand by and walk with, although the situation is not really what I wanted or actually ‘felt’ like it was not really what I wanted because of experiences of resistance towards the father of the unborn child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own experiences of resistance above life itself and give my experiences and so my mind consciousness system more value than myself and a child and a father and other family, in and as life, by not involving them within my decision making, not on forehand and not afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring myself into a situation where whatever decision I would make, it would have consequenses, this because of following up on two thoughts and making a decision in a split second, made without awareness, meaning, without considering all and everything involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on judging myself and so keep myself prison within thoughts, feelings and emotions, related to bringing myself and/as others into this position of victimization, instead of taking responsibility for myself by forgiving myself and from here, unconditionally letting it go to a point of not creating it again and considering the spark of life that is involved and existing, within and without.

Here to mention that I do see what ‘reasons’ has led to this decision as reasons that are not ‘my fault’ but that are more consequences of how I as a human have accepted and allowed myself to develop as a systematized being, passed from generation to generation without seeing a way to effectively direct myself, which is something that I will take responsibility for further in this series.

When and as I see myself tending to make a decision without involving the ones that are physically involved in a situation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I try to follow a desire or wished outcome where in I do not consider all dimensions involved.

I commit myself to investigate and forgive myself for participating in and believing the desire and wished outcome to be real or best and from here, discuss on forehand the possibilities with the ones that are involved within a situation so that the decision can be made within consideration of as much dimensions involved as possible within that moment.

When and as I see myself participating in a polarity related to a programming within myself, of oneway, not willing to step in and at the same time, feeling like not being able to step out, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I keep myself stuck and waiting in not making and walking a decision, related to wanting a ‘certain outcome’ instead of focussing on ‘who I am’ within ‘what I walk’, where I am not sure of the outcome in future, as an outcome in physical reality is depending on so many dimensions and also others that are involved and also because I may not yet see all dimensions as well.

I commit myself to focus on ‘who I am’ within ‘what I walk’ and within this, see what is best to do within each related moment again and to see what information I may need more to have a more clear sight.

I commit myself to investigate and forgive myself for a fear coming up of loosing a certain outcome and within this, forgive myself for a fear (so judgement) of loosing an opportunity of how I perceive how I would experience myself in a certain situation and at the same time, investigate why I fear/judge myself for ‘loosing an opportunity to experience myself a certain way’ and forgive myself accordingly – within the realization that fear and judgement is actually consisting of a thought that is bringing forward certain feelings/emotions.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of depression, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not standing in my directive principle but that I am depending ‘how I feel’ on my environment and others around me and that I am not satisfied with certain things within my life and so, within myself.

I commit myself to see what I want/would like from my environment and others around me that I make myself depending on and from here, see how I can bring this back to myself and search for the ‘quality’ or experience within, so that I can bring this quality/experience back to myself, forgive myself for the attached emotions and feelings, see if there is a thought/memory related and from here, redefine it into a living word that I can eventually live as a self-expression and sharing with others in maybe a different way than I initially had attached it towards within and as myself.

I commit myself to investigate what I am not satrisfied with within/as myself and from here, see how I can embrace, make peace with it, forgive and expand myself in this certain area, slowly and in small steps.

14803178_941982469239725_1337681280_o

Previous blog: 7. The moment of truth

Next blog: 9. Ignoring some signs within myself


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Dag 641 – Do you accept the challenge?

Responsibility

Responsibility

Every time I listen to a video or record that people walking with Desteni have recorded, I experience within and as myself a gratefulness and certainty in walking this process of self-forgiveness and change here as myself, together with others to eventually bring about a world that is best for all. Listening to the voices of people who are willing to see, to forgive, to change, to support, to push oneself to walk through difficulties as what is best for self and for all in/as life.

One can say that the speaking is perfect or actually not yet perfect, that one speaks so slow, or fast, or a bit incoherent, looking for words to express what one means, however when one listen to their words, it becomes clear that one is busy to learn and practise to speak within words from a starting-point of self-honesty, to not speak out in thoughts, emotions and feelings but in common sense within seeing what is best for all. The flaws in it, that is showing the process that one is walking. It takes time to practise to speak in equality and oneness within and as self. We are so used to speak out our thoughts and feelings and emotions or maybe we are not used to speak at all.

It makes me quiet to listen to all their voices, to hear the common sense within, to see the self-honesty that one is busy integrating or already has integrated, to know that they are here and walking together alone, taking responsibility for oneself and willing to do so and from here, bring about a world that is best for all.

Here I would suggest to not let oneself distract by a way of speaking that one is not used to listen to as this is only a distraction in/as the mind and by allowing this distraction within, one will miss the message of equality and oneness that is existing within the words in each video or record. There are many video’s with different voices and subjects and there are for sure several that one can start listening to, that speaks directly to yourself without you getting too much distracted.

The distractions will point out the separations in oneself and the resonants in this can be experienced as very uncomfortable, even to the extend that ‘one is not able to listen’. One will be able to listen to all of them once the message within is understood and once one has made the decision to stand within self as what is best for all and walk the process towards this. Until then, there will be video’s and records that one is able to listen to, dependent on the subject and recognizion of the person who is speaking and otherwise there will be thousands of blogs and articles to read and start with.

Here it is not about the name Desteni or about ‘being a member’ but it is about the message that each one is bringing forward while walking the process that is provided by a group of people that work and walk together within principles that are best for all life. It is not about specialty and it actually should be or become a group as large as humanity as a whole. But we did not learn this and someone has to start, and this will be the ones that are able to do so.

Learning to walk within principle as what is best for all live, gives a process to walk through our own mind – where we have separated ourselves extensively from ourselves, this through participation in our own mind in thoughts, emotions and feelings, pictures, ideas and believes and from here we have manifested this mind-participation into the physical and this physical reality. Only when we walk through the separation in/as the mind, we will be able to see and walk beyond, into physical equality and oneness. This to bring about a world that is best for all, where physical equality and oneness means really physical equality and oneness and where there is equality and oneness in/as the physical, this is best for all in/as this physical existense, because it is equal for every one in/as life.

To really understand what this entails, we have to understand how we are build up and programmed, how humanity and life is build up and programmed within systems that we have accepted and allowed to manifest within and without and from here, to understand how we have accepted and allowed to separate ourselves from life and from the physical. The result is very and clearly visible in this world that we all exist in and as today.

So to go back to the source of this creation, we have to go back to ourselves and take responsibility for who we are and have become within this programs and systems, within this separation in thoughts, feelings and emotions, pictures, ideas and believes, in and as our mind consciousness system. This is what walking with Desteni is about. Bringing everything back to self, as the source of this creation, take responsibility for everything that we have created in/as separation and from here, bring about a change that includes everyone and everything, as what is best for all life.

It may sound very ideal, however if one starts within the very small, within oneself, one’s relationships and daily life, it will become more visible why and how a change that is longterm and lasting, will be and become possible from the small to the big.

Who starts today and accepts the challenge?

#‎iamthechangeiwanttoseeintheworld‬

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how-thoughts-create-physical-realityHow Thoughts Create Physical Reality

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Uil forgive

 

 

 

 

 

Dag 640 – The mind-body relationship – The relationship with my intestine

healthy relationship

In my buddy-chat the point opened up of redefining my relationship with my intestine. I find this not so easy but during chat some points came forwards as an opening to start looking in this. I start here with some self-forgiveness statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is wrong that my intestines are a point of cross-reference for myself of where and in what extent actually, I have separated myself from myself and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I did it all wrong because I have developped/manifested/lived patterns within my intestine where others did not have that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it unfair because there are patterns involved that are passed from generation to generation that are not ‘mine’ from source, however I made them ‘mine’ because I have accepted and allowed them to manifest within myself and lived and manifested and/or integrated them more physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, expect myself to be able to completely walk through this manifested mind-patterns through my life time and life times before, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I will not know and be sure about me walking through within the ‘finish’ of the intestine-issues being solved completely on a physical level as I do not know to what extend and how deeply it is manifested, however I do see a possibility of getting it better and better and so I walk on and through as what is best and until it is done, although I might not ‘get it done’ in this physical body in the way that I expect this to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I know the reason why I have to walk through this as thinking and believing that I will solve the manifested physical discomforts, while actually yes there may be a reason for me to walk through all this (without making it ‘spiritually’ as ‘more’ in/as the mind) but it might be different then what I think the reason is because I do not yet see the reason behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it does not make sense to walk through this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it does not make sense what I do and here, I am making myself less than who I am/can be in/as live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make sense of what I walk through, this to not fall into an experience of hopelessness and uselessness as ‘never getting through’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will never get through and so, try to make sense of the intestinal discomforts and difficulties as ‘finding reasons for it’ to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find reasons for my intestine to manifest difficulties and discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fight against defining myself as someone who is having/living with a chronical, physical discomfort as a spastic colon with very uncomfortable symptoms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really want to see how deeply physically I have accepted and allowed the thoughts, feelings and emotions to manifest, in and as a fear that if I name myself as someone who has to live with this, I will never come out/come through because I am then in/as a self-definition as physically not alright.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is physically not alright while I do not know myself like this from birth/childhood and I do see an accumulated pattern in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still define myself as someone who is physically alright and strong while I do not feel myself like that physically when and as my intestine is having difficulties to release from the physical waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I do see the relationship between the mind and the physical and so, I do expect the physical to be solved at once because I do see it interrelated, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have build up patterns within and as myself over time and so it will take time to walk through where I will come to unexplored area’s to explore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that after walking through my own patterns, I have to walk through the patterns that are past through generations, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that walking through ‘my own’ patterns is walking through the patterns past by generation as I made them my own and so, taking responsibility for and as myself in thought, feelings and emotions is taking responsibility for the generation-line in and as the patterns that I have accepted and allowed to live and manifest myself and only this is my responsibility and that what I did not accept and allow to live and manifest and others did, is the other as ‘the owner of the manifestation’ to take responsibility for, as how it is for myself and everyone to take responsibility for our own mind and acceptances and allowances within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than others who do not have physical difficulties/did not manifested them the way I did, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding – without comparing myself to others and their process as this is not best for anyone but as a point of self-support – that the quicker I get sick, my possibility of change is quicker.

To be continued

(…) So everything has got Stages of Deliberation. That means, dependency on how much you are Feeding it Energy and obviously in a way when you are Sick it already means you’re at a Point of Change. When you are not Sick and you are Deliberate in your Actions- then you must know: you‘re in Serious Trouble because that means you are very Deceptive, therefore the body will present itself as quite Healthy, and by the Time that you will get Sick, there will be Nothing you can do, because you are very Deceptive and therefore it’ll take a Longer time to Get Sick. The Quicker you get Sick- the Better it means it is for you, because your Possibility of Change is Quicker. The Longer it takes you to get Sick that means, the more Healthy you are, the more Deceptive you are. If you are living in this World, you have a lot of Money, you are very Healthy, very Happy – Big Shit in your Future. (…)

From: Interviews from the farm 60: Candida and Self Abuse

 

Self-care-1

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

—————————————————————————————————————————

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
Facebook:
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Uil forgive