Dag 734 – Blame, projection and fear of loss

blame

Following up on the previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what it is that I fear within manipulation tactics as in a situation where thoughts are projected on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very tired now when I start writing this blog and experiencing some kind of blankness where in I do not see any point to write self-forgiveness about, as if I only can close my eyes and want to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I can never do this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an unability to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to walk through and keep standing within a situation where thoughts and feelings and emotions are projected on me as a form of manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going away out of reaction in/as fear and within this, enlarging or fueling a possible reaction in another who then also goes away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the other goes away as a reaction on my reaction of going away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how to stop this cat and mouse game, other than by going away, which is not what I want or see as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally panic when another is going away, however when another is coming within panic to me, I also tend to go away out of fear of the reactions from another when and as I am not doing as how they want or expect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I never satisfy enough and that I am not given the time to see within myself what I want and how to do this and so, feeling like I am  always ‘too late’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to please the other in/as the mind, out of a fear of loss as an experience within myself when another is going away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in pleasing another in/as the mind, I go away from myself and here I am actually pleasing my own mind as pleasing my own fear (of loss) and so, fullfilling my own fear (of loss) in loosing myself in trying to please myself or/as another in/as the mind, as in a closed circle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that only consequenses will be created where in another don’t see the consequences and I am not able to direct myself effectively within in the consequences and so the point of creation gets lost and distracted in consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make another see the point of blame as projection in/as the mind, so that from here, we can be together, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can not ‘make another see’ and that my starting-point here is actually still in/as the mind located as in a fear of loss and so, I will firstly create the loss as how I fear, through the point of blame as projection on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it frightening how far we all go/have gone in/as the mind to abdicate responsibility, within blame as projections of our own thoughts, feelings and emotions on something or someone outside ourselves, instead of bringing the thoughts, feelings and emotions back to self and start understanding/forgiving where they come from and so, start taking responsibility for ourselves in/as our own mind and stop blaming something or someone within/without.

When and as I see blame/projection towards me or another, within the words/behaviour of someone in conversation with me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I cannot easily ‘make another see’ how the mind exist as a projection-system and so in/as the manifestation of blame, however I do can decide to not participate and to make this clear, for example by walking away, by saying some words or by simply/literally mentioning that I do not participate in a conversation with blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in blame by accepting and allowing it, coming forward out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to do everything good and perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and through this, the other will eventually bring the point of blame back to self, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 1. I will also make mistakes that I then need to correct that can be used against me and 2. another will always be able to find something to start blaming with by projecting one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions on me in some way, when I do not as they are pleased by, and from here, using one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions projected on me, as a reason to blame me and so, abdicate one’s own responsibility.

I commit myself to not participate in a point of blame, not within myself and not within conversation with another and if I see that I do so, to look within myself what makes that I am doing this, what I fear to loose and take responsibility for this within/as myself through understanding/forgiving myself for this point and participation.

To be continued after investigating Desperation and Communication Awareness as a dimension of creating this ‘picture’ that someone else sees of me and that I then fear to be defined as/blamed for.

the-design-of-fear-of-loss


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Uil forgive

 

 

 

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Dag 728 – 15. The insemination

This blog is related to record 15: The insemination

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start an insemination process from a starting-point of desire to be/become pregnant and from here, being willing to throw myself into the deep, without really considering my hesitations of my willingness to really walk with a child growing up in this world as how it exists today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to look beyond my desire to be/become pregnant and just look so far, trying to fulfill the desire and from here, the desire to ‘throw myself into the deep’ so to speak, meaning to force myself into a situation that I then cannot step back from and so to force myself into facing the difficulties within/as myself that I am seemingly not willing to take on if and when not absolutely necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take on the real challenges within and as myself if and when there is no other possibility left, as how the mind functions and as how we have set up this world up to a point of destruction before we – as humanity – are willing to face ourselves and take respnsibility for ourselves and our creation and from here, change the approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it more difficult for myself by waiting for this last point to happen, instead of actively investigating that what I sense somewhere within me as a misalignment that I need to open up and take responsibility for by firstly looking at it within self-honesty and from here, using the application of self-forgiveness to face my own darkness and stand up within and stop blaming myself back into a state of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me that I am not aligned with and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me, as fearing to loose the experience that this suppressed belief is giving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fearing the loss of an experience within me to fearing to loose something or someone without me and within this, start and keep on projecting my experiences on this something or someone without me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinks and believe that I can really loose something or someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only let go (means forgive) the energetic created experiences within myself that I have connected to something or someone without myself and from here, knowing that I give myself the opportunity to emerge from, within and as myself, standing more in equality and oneness with and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my motivation to ‘become alive’ that I somewhere sense deep within me, towards and into a desire to inseminate me with the seed of a male to be able to become pregnant and give birth to the life of a child as another being, to from here force myself to stand within the points that I see that I am not yet standing in and as, in and as the potential that I see/sense within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at ease in this week of insemination because of being able to stand within myself in peace within trying to fulfil that what I would like for myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be at ease and so reactive in other moments/weeks, to my partner as well as to others, when and as I feel like not being busy with trying to fulfill that what I would like for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fulfil myself with experiences of something or someone without myself as to ‘inseminate’ myself and my physical body with something external.

When and as I feel lazy or tired to start writing and opening up some dimensions within me that I do not yet have a sight on, I stop and breathe.

I realize that within the writing, I will get more sight on myself in this dimensions that will support me in moments to come to be/become less tired or lazy, as the mind needs physical energy to suppress or keep generating energy from points/energetic experiences within me.

I realize that I can write in short time-frames, as for example 15 minutes, to release some energy within the writing of self-forgiveness and if I postpone, points will go under again within some kind of suppression and through distraction, within and as myself.

I commit myself to write in a document to open up some dimensions that I sense within me and do not yet have sight on, for 15 minutes three times a week (extra upon the activities that I am taking on already).

When and as I see that I am not satisfied and at ease with myself in the interaction with another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not expressing myself or do not have expressed myself as how I would like to, coming out of a fear of experiencing myself very uncomfortable within a certain moment with all kind of subtile experiences coming up and from here, I start becoming ‘uneasy’ for myself and for another as well, as more reactive to what another is bringing forward.

I realize that this is a build up pattern through the years and so, it will take time to walk through the layers that I have created within me that prevent me from expressing myself and bring myself to a ‘living expression’ so to speak.

I commit myself to become more sensible to and for myself within moments of interaction with another and to see what comes up within me as a reaction that I name and forgive myself for (for example within this 15 minutes writing) and to see (if I am already able to) what I actually would like to express but not doing out of fear of not being understood or not being able to bring forward what I mean and from here, see how to support myself to do express some more of/as myself, rather from a point of self-movement than only as a respond with a (subtile or hidden) dimension of ‘reaction’ to what another is bringing forward.

When and as I notice a fear of loss within me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there are many dimensions involved in ‘fear of loss’ projected on something or someone without me, that I need to walk through within writing and the application of self-forgiveness of all kind of experiences coming up to open it up for myself.

I commit myself to within the writing, take on layer by layer and experience by experience that I see coming up within me in certain moments where in I use the moments of reaction as a moment of introspection, meaning that I bring the experience back to myself and name and forgive myself for what I find, as well as forgiving myself for/when/as I go into reaction, to enable myself to eventually prevent this happening and from here, finding my self-direction and self-expression as a more supportive and constructive way to communicate, as well for myself as for another.

insemination

Previous blog: 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

Next blog: 16. Shame and compromising


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Uil forgive

Dag 662 – Use and abuse

hearingContinuing on:

Dag 660 – Allow yourself to loose

Dag 661 – Battling for attention – self-forgiveness, a start

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of fearing to loose within a conversation with someone because of feeling like not being heard, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I may be speaking in a way or with words that another is not (yet) able to hear and so, the other is actually not hearing me.

I realize that I think that when I feel not being heard that I need to go, which makes it of course impossible to be heard by that one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to go when I feel not being heard and/or am actually not being heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘to good to stay’ when I (feel like I) am not being heard.

I realize that I define myself as ‘not being heard’ as how I worked with in the previous blog as if that is ‘who I am’ and so, I will resonate this in my words that others will pick up in/as the mind, where what I still resonate in/as the mind is what is picked up by whomever is participating in/as the mind and so the words spoken/the being in it, will not be noticed.

So I realize that I have work to do here for myself and find a way to express myself effectively and without resonating the believe of ‘not being heard’.

I realize that I even may pick out people to (intimate) connect with that I ‘know’ from that they do not yet hear me as a way to confirm myself in/as the mind and as an excuse to stay within my comfortzone in/as the mind of not being heard/of not expressing myself effectively, until it becomes (physically) uncomfortable to suppress myself/my being like this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would be okay to (intimate) connect with another without being heared and within this, suppress myself, where this ‘being okay with it’ is the comfortzone in/as the mind as how I ‘am used’ and adapted myself to be with others on a daily base as how I knwo myself while growing up.

I realize that ‘how I am used to be’ includes the words ‘being used’ as how I feel myself often where in how we are used to be and live, is actually a way of abuse that we are used to and adapted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adapt myself and get used to a be and live in and as abuse, meaning in inequality in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself/my being to be abused by my acceptances and allowances in/as the mind and project this on others, in and as the feeling of ‘being used’ by another, which is actually meaning that I am used to myself in/as the mind and within this, abuse myself and my physical body.

I commit myself to use the feeling of ‘being used’ or abuse, as a flagpoint to investigate within myself what I do accept and allow within myself without standing up/speaking up/expressing myself effectively and here, use my own ‘abuse’ (as thoughts, feelings and emotions) in/as the mind constructively and as support for myself.

I commit myself to practise and find ways to express myself effectively within a way that I am comfortable in without staying in my comfortzone in/as the mind and I commit myself to do so, to connect with people who are wiling to communicate, to listen and express in a more equal way and to from here, see how I can express myself to and communicate with the ones that are more in the mind at the moment from a point of self-trust and understanding and so, standing more equal to whomever I communicate with – which I realize is a process through time.

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Uil forgive

Dag 530 – Sharing a hidden pattern

Yesterday a point came to the surface that I would like to open up and forgive myself for. It is related to ‘sharing’ within conversation. Within the conversation, I gave notition of a chat that I have had as we discussed this before but I mentioned on forehand that I will not yet expand on a certain point that had opened up and will first walk it for myself and share and/or write about it afterwards. This is a ‘normal’ phrase for me and if someone tells me so, I would immediately accept it and leave it up to the one who sais so. However the buddy started to ask some questions about it, what the reason was for not expanding on it now. I didnot expect any questions when I say on forehand that  I do not want to expand on it so I reacted to it within myself and resisted even more to open up. After chat, I realized that I missed a dimension in this where I did not take the ‘conversationpartner’ into consideration by stating on forehand that I will not expand on a certain subject at the moment while we did have shared the occasion of it all. The point of first walking it for myself is fine ofcourse, however there was a point of self-interest in it as ‘keeping it to myself’ which I did not yet see. As I said, it is a ‘normal’ phrase for me to say in which I only take myself into consideration as how I am used to do things, which is actually me as the mind because it is ‘how I am used to do things’ without taking the other as myself as life in consideration where I could have shared some overview and walking the detail for myself. I noticed that I had decided on forehand to ‘not expand on it’ and so, did not see within the moment what is best to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed after finishing chat about my behaviour in the stated words as that I ‘am not going to expand on it now’ which I had already decided to do so without seeing into ways to do share something that I am already able to and see how to do this within the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I did not take the point of sharing in the moment of what I am able to into consideration, where in I did not take the conversationpartner as life into consideration where in I did not take myself as life into consideration by stating on forehand that I am not going to expand on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘is it not enough when I say that I am not going to expand on it now, why should this come from someone else?’ where in I feel threatened as if I can not decide for myself to share or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel questioned within my decision to not yet share and within this, questioned within my ability to make a decision to do so or not by myself where in it is not the fact of not yet sharing that is actually questioned but it is the statement on forehand in/as the mind that is questioned here and that I should question for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically not share and to not take the value of sharing into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think about myself within the decision to share or not share where in I experience this as ‘my decision’ as mine as something that another has nothing to do with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to own my own process and feel threatened when there are questions asked about it that I stated on forehand to not yet share.

Then why do I not want to share already? Because I did not have yet walked into physical reality what I have realised and I fear that if I already share, I ‘loose’ what I have realised and ‘fall back’ into self-doubt. Within this I see a fear of  ‘not being understood’ and so, I start ‘explaing myself’ and so to prevent myself for this, I make the statement that ‘I am not going to expand on it now’.

The points in itself are relevant to take into consideration, however the fear gives an energetic experience as fear of loss of myself within the communication when I notice the situation as if I am not being understood. Funny in this is that I cannot be understood if I will not expand and will not answer questions so I keep myself in my own fear in place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being understood which brings me to the experience of needing to ‘explain myself’ to make myself clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share from the point of wanting to be understooda and so, expecting something from another instead of unconditionally sharing myself within the things that I am already able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy in the sharing as it costs me a lot of effort to express myself and bring for example insights into words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within the moment what and how I can share within consideration of myself as another as being within the ability of myself in that moment and so instead I start protecting myself in/as the mind in a statement on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the conversation as sharing on forehand by the decision to not yet expand on a certain point as a way of control of myself in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to loose control within sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimicy within sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let anyone close within sharing myself within words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see anyone in me and only open up when I am really sad, which is not cool as in this way I only share the sad points in which I bring myself into reality as a ‘sad person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only share the sad points in and as a fear that when sharing my insight, this will fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect positive energy to insights as a way to feel better about myself where in I use the insights as a way to protect myself against feeling less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the experience of feeling better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I first share a point, I will not live it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself in and as a sad personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go blanc when I have the possibility to share and only bring certain aspects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of so many typing from ‘what I mean’ and so I prefer to not share and type so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to share in and as self-expression and always feel as if the sharing is incomplete and so, this gives only a certain aspect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be defined in only a certain aspect and so, prefer to not share where actually I do want to share myself, however this takes so much time and effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see the ‘use’ of sharing in conversation and prefer to only share what is practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see what others share, often as ‘so much talking about things that I already know’ which I do not want to be seen myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to bother or bore someone and so, prefer to keep it short and only share some summary or conclusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sharings into different variations as ‘boring’ or ‘interesting’ or ‘short’ or ‘long’ etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer summaries and conclusions and not the wide expanding to listen to and to speak, where in I try to take all into one summary or conclusion, where in I realise that I can make a conclusion or summary in process from every specific detail, to make it relevant, practical and easy to comprehend within sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things to be ‘talked dead’ into analysing in/as the mind and so, prefer to live things instead of ‘talking about things’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ‘overanalysed’ and within this, being put into a certain box of analisation.

After forgiving these dimensions which seemed a bit incoherent and going ‘from here to there’, I see that the hidden fear as reason behind not yet wanting to share is that I am much more stable now and I do not yet want to share this, because I want to first ‘test’ and walk this stability for myself. This is fine, however a point of self-interest is that I do not yet want to hold myself (and be hold) accountable for myself in more self-responsibility so it is actually a bit of a post-poning of living my potential, also from a point of fear of ‘what if I will fall back’ which is more a fear of ‘what if I do not have some freetime anymore to entertain myself a bit’.

Where in I see that instead of simply sharing and moving on, I hold it within myself and actually enlarge it with this behaviour which makes it ‘something bigger’ than it is. As building up (at)ten(t)sion which I actually wanted to prevent by ‘not going to expand on it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up attention as a tension within myself and within this, expectation where in I enlarge the energy and at the same time postpone the simply living of a realisation, by believing that I cannot live up to my own build up expectation which I project on others as ‘not yet wanting to share as I do not want to make expectations that I ‘cannot live up to’.

So a nice hidden pattern is coming to the surface.

Self-commitments will follow.

Embracing Self by Bernard Poolman

dejar-de-sentir-04_thumbArtwork see blog Marlen

Winged – Exploring Self Intimacy

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Dag 414 – To be Right – Self-Corrective Application

https://i1.wp.com/www.impactopleidingen.nl/images/communicatie.jpg

Day 413 – To be Right

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself in a moment participating just before making a decision ‘to be right’ and so, about to decide that I, because of this perceiving to be right, can step in convincing another being of ‘my right’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I do not have ‘a right to convince another’, no matter if what I speak about is infact so.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself about to go stepping into the mind in and as a convincement, to stop, to breathe, and to within breath, take a moment to be silent within myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself observing this one moment of checking within myself if ‘this is the right thing to do’ before stepping in a convincement, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I am right before making a decision in and as the mind, and as long as I am ‘before’, it wil be easier to stop and direct myself, and this observing is already a sign that I am ‘about stepping in’, which is a sign that I need to slow down myself, breathe, and take a moment to see what is going on inside myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I am ‘feeling one and sure’ about stepping in a convincement, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I am already participating in and as a convincement in and as myself, in and as the mind, which I am about to force on another being without taking the whole situation, myself and the other in consideration, otherwise, I would not feel the ‘urge to convince’ another being. So I stop, I breathe, I keep the moment within myself for further investigation from all dimensions before pushing through a point.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself focussing on another being while observing a point that is not aligned, to stop, to breathe, and to first check within myself if I am aligned with and as myself, and within this, being able to communicate a point clear and stable. If not, I stop, I breathe, I commit myself to first investigate the point within myself and for this moment, letting go the point within another, where in I realize that if I am not aligned, I am not really able to communicate effectively but instead create energy within myself and the other and enlarge a friction inside self, others and within the situation.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘not knowing how to make this point clear’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I make the point unclear by pushing and forcing and convincing in and as the mind, so I better take a breath, slow down, and see within the moment or afterwards how communicate the point effectively without being in reaction myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself disregarding little and large signs within myself of not taking everything into consideration by pushing through within a tendency of ‘wanting to be right’, I stop, I breathe, where in I realize that I participate in and as the female-ego as ‘being right’, which is mostly coming up when I am participating in fear of loosing control in communication, and so, I commit myself to investigate what the fear is that is hiding behind the female-ego coming up as wanting ‘to be right’.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in and as a fear of ‘being wrong’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I must have participated in and as an convincement of ‘being right’, where in I create an experience of being wrong, and so, I need to slow down myself and investigate how to move on within this point.

I commit myself to, when and as I feel it as ‘unfair’ to stop reacting when and as I am in an experience of ‘being right’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that there are dimensions to investigate inside myself that gives an experience of  feeling unfair’ which I try to correct within this one moment by convincing another of my ‘being right’. And so, I commit myself to investigate the memories related to this ‘unfair feeling’ experience within myself, so that I can correct myself in and as writing and application of self-forgiveness and self-correction, instead of trying to force a correction within one moment in and as reality.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself giving up myself in and as reaction, to stop, to breathe, where in although it might ‘feel right’ to step in within this one moment, I need to use my common sense – which will ‘not feel right’ at this moment, but which is using common sense in and as the awareness that reacting is not a solution in anyway. And so I stop, I breathe, and instead of ‘forcing my will upon another’, I stand up in and as self-will, in and as a force within myself, to stop myself within reaction, to stop compromising myself (and another).

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into a reaction again in and as a convincement of ‘being right’, to take the point into writing, to investigate, self-forgive and see what dimension(s) I have missed and not yet effectively forgiven myself, where in again I correct myself, in writing and in daily living, every time again, and so moving slowly in and towards effectively living in and as self-correction, in and as breath.

I commit myself to investigate where I go into submission in and as identifying myself as ‘a female’, and so within this, create a ‘need to be right’ within and as myself as a female-ego, so that and where in I forgive and correct myself, step by step,  to be and become one and equal as life, free from limitations in and as the mind related to gender-mind-constructs.

*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and compromise myself within and as a limitation of identifying myself as a female, and from this on go into submission, where in I create a believe to ‘having the right to be right’, which is actually a revenge for all the moments of submission that I have experienced in and as myself in and as identification with ‘being a female’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into submission and use this as a starting point of manipulation, where from this position of submission it is not so easy to be seen and so I have ‘free space’ to subtile manipulate in and as the mind to ‘get what I want’ as the only way I know, not seeing, realising and understanding, that within this position of submission as a starting-point in/as a personality, I have given up myself and my life-force, fully, and so I am in submission towards my own mindmanipulation in and as the creation of energy, where in I cannot even see where this submission starts, because I have become this position, in and as the mind, where in I experience the compromise within my physical body every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical body every day by going into submission in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will only be listened to if and when I become angry somehow, because I have not seen an example of direct communication and direct listening between male and female while growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a feeling of love because there was no real communication, and so a ‘feeling of love’ was the only thing that I believed as ‘keeping the connection’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that a feeling of love is enough and that communication is not needed in the first place and/or can follow up/be developped from this ‘love’, while actually it’s the other way around, that communication is the first thing to start with, and only from that starting point one is able to establish a mutual understanding of self and/as the other, and from there, to learn to live ‘love’ practical in/as equality instead of feeling love in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a mutual feeling of love is the thing to build a realtionship on, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that the starting-point of walking in/towards equality is communication, and as long as the starting-point is a feeling of ‘love’, the starting-point is actually manipulated in/as a feeling in/as the mind, keeping each other at a distance in and as fear of manipulation, as how the ‘nature of love’ is in and as itself.

Self-investigation to be continued.

Source: http://www.tenantscreeningblog.com/

Agreements
Re-Defining Relationships

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 411 – Speaking myself through the top of a headache and see further

female symbol

Some days ago I started to see how within the whole condition of my intestines there are related emotions towards an experience of inferiority of myself as a female towards males. It was still vague and very deep located in the body, and I was somehow aware of this always, but is was also always ‘there’ so to speak, so at the same time, I was not really aware of it that one of the dimensions of the tense in my intestine is related to this experience.

I spoke quite a lot of self-forgivenesses through the day and the point started to move, and I also felt it related to the liverfunction, as some kind of emotional suppression within myself which gives my liver a difficult time to do it’s job properly ( in energetic test-results it shows often that the liver need some support in the function of detoxification). However I felt I did not really move through. At night I had a chat with my buddy, and we discussed the point. She gave me some blogs of her where she had written out a similar point some time ago.

Today my period started and I woke up with a slight headache on the background; I have this more often right before and/or at the beginning of the period; even so had my mother, it was actually the only thing that she complained about from what I remember as a child, and when here periods stopped because of the menopause, she has very seldom headaches anymore. This specific headache is started within the muscles on top of my shoulder (muscules trapezius), goes to the occiput-bones, and is also connected to some points within my large intestine where cramps are located. From what I understood from a tradionional chinese medicin practiser and also feel within my own body, is that the points are all located on the liver-meridian.

If I moved slowly and focus on relaxing my shoulders and stopping the thinking every time, the headache was ‘bearable’, and I did my daily tasks in a slow way. I had a chat with Larry and I discussed some of this point with him, and still felt in this how I was not really able to move and express within this point, and actually felt myself sitting back within this experience of inferiority as a female towards a male (which is not an experience that I have particulair towards him, it is more general existing on the background within myself, which gives a sense of ‘control’ in the communication with a male).

So afterwards, I decided to read the blogs that my buddy send me. I read them out loud and in between I added self-forgiveness on the points I saw coming up within me, related to this point. Halfway the speaking of the blogs, the area in and around my intestines became warm, emotions came up, and I could speak myself through the top of the headache while speaking the self-forgiveness. I saw why it was not something that I could write myself easily, as it where points coming up that I had not really lived myself but more points that I was actually ‘holding myself back from’, as it are points that I had seen my mother participating in quite extremely, not so much in angryness as well in a direct giving up on herself on forehand, before even speaking to the male, in and as a starting point of ‘not being listened to’, and vice versa, my father was not an ‘angry’ person at all, but could have a particular stubborn way of expressing and/or actually not expressing. So most of these signs took more place in a ‘not expressing’ rather than in expressing through angryness and other emotional voiced words.

And for myself, I tried to keep myself away as much as possible from this ‘behaviour’ coming forward out of an experience of inferiority and ‘not being listened to’,  where in I do become angry when this experience is triggered, and so in reality keeping this meant that i tried to keep  myself away from a relationship with a male that really had a chance to succeed.

I will keep on investigating this point as this is only opening up, and share some more about it if and when a point comes up that I need to write out more specificly. So far this is a moment of witnessing for myself of how to speak myself through (the top of) a physical point with the speaking and reading out load of self-forgiveness which gives relieve of the physical pain/discomfort and support to let go the stored emotional energetic experience that gives the pain and discomfort. it is also a witnesssing of how blogs from others can assist and support in walking through points inside ourselves within sounding the self-forgiveness out loud for and within ourselves, even though the words might be slightly ‘personally different’ placed; the construct is basicly the same as a construct of the experience of female-inferiority against male-superiority which is widely lived, played out, constructed and build up within and as the mind-consciousness-system within and so in and as this world-system without.

Related blogs that I read out load:

Who I am in Relation to MEN as Patriarchs: DAY 130

Why Women Use Emotional Manipulation: DAY 131

Why Women become Submissive in Discussions with Males: DAY 132

Some self-forgiveness on the most prominent points coming up within and as my own memories related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so powerless when and as I see my mother going into in what I perceive as a submissive attitude before she even started to speak about something with my father, and within this, starting to reject my mother in and as this behaviour, as I did not want to have something to do with what I saw and felt so powerless in, and so trying in and as rejecting, to keep myself away from this submission towards the male, in and as a belief that if I keep myself seperated from it, it could not really effect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel really compassion for my mother in and this behaviour as what I saw as so hopeless unable to express herself and stand up, which is a feeling that I did not allow myself to really feel and stand up in, because I myself did not know how to express myself and stand up, and so, I rejected her and within this, seperated myself from this experience of hopelessness and desperation in and as belief in the incapability of expressing self and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and so perceive myself as incapable of really directing myself in and as self-expression, while at the same time, I know and am aware of my capability to stand up in this, which gives and has given a friction and conflict within myself for so long, seperated in a vision of myself which is not compatible with how I am living myself within reality every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopelessly sad and suppressed when I see my father as what I perceive as ‘stuck within himself, not being able to express himself’, while I see as what I interpreted as the friction, stuckness and disempowerment on his face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck inside myself when and as I am not able to express myself looking at my father, which gives an experience of friction, stuckness and disempowerment within myself from which I believe I am not allowed to stand up in, because when I do stand up in this, I leave my father alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for the experience that I perceived within my father but actually was experiencing within myself, of feeling stuck, frictioned and disempowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze inside whenever I hear the subtile manipulations and little nasty tonations and words between my parents which are build up inside and so find a way out, because of this incapability of open and frank self-expression with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply and endless sad because of an experience of being caught within this pattern between my parents, feeling unable to change anything within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted so badly that my parents had a ‘happy and open’ marriage and if this was not possible, that they then better could have a divorce so that this pattern could be broken through and that I did no longer need to sit in between.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a divorce as the only option as solution for the problem to open up the situation in and as communication, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived myself the ‘solution of leaving a relationship’ as the only way that I saw to solve the problem as opening up the situation, experienceing myself as unable to stay and open up myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I am better of alone’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself caught in between my parents where in it even looks like that I enlarge the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I enlarge the pattern between my parents, and within this, make myself, in and as this believe, responsible for their incapability to communicate effectively together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and feel myself responsible for what I see as their incapability to communicate effectively with each other, but when I asked my mother sometimes about it, she denied everything and said she had no problems at all with it, while at the same, in the rare moments that my father expressed himself openly in his dissatisfaction and disappointment about things in his life, first thing that my mother said was ‘don’t be so negative’, and so, the communication was suppressed immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the communication with my mother by acting like ‘I am fine’ and by not really listening and or waving away her expression when she did express her dissatisfaction about little things in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to touch my fathers protectionmechanism as for me it feels like so much accumulation that it is almost imbearable and so, I should tiptoe around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I perceive as the imbearable load of what my father is suppressing inside himself as emotions and feelings and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself the imbearable load of what I am suppressing inside myself as emotions and feelings, instead of seeing, realising, and understanding how only the suppressing and accumulation makes it unbearable as being ‘too much’, while walking it through one by one, it becomes something that I am able to do and actually that everyone is/will be able to do if the tools of how to do this are provided.

*

Next day my shoulders and neck feel like ‘having more space’ to move around, the headache is still gone, and also the few hours of menstruationpain in the belly that I often have at start, did not come up this month. The tension and delay in the large intestine is still here although there is a layer on top opening up a bit, which is a point I will keep on investigating for and within myself, layer after layer.

After finishing this blog, a very intense cramping pain is coming up inside my intestine, so I lay down on the floor, push soft but constant on the pain-point, hold my legs against me to come deeper within my body and start investigating and applying self-forgiveness untill the cramp relieves, push through when the pain is unbearable, push and stay, push and stay, not giving up this time, because as Bernard says, when you cannot have it anymore, you have to push through, and so I do, it must be here, if there is a pain, there is something suppressed; until I see something of myself as who I am and within this, the cramping gives in, starts moving and releasing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in a moment of revenge (from with I do not have a direct memory, I can only see the direction within the experience which is from a very young age) choose between my father and mother, and within this, play them out against each other in and as my mind,  where in I try to hold on to my father and push anway my mother, but my father is gone, he is not here and because I have already choosen, I cannot go back, and so I have to protect myself in and as this ‘choice between’, caught within polarity in and as the mind, welcome to the evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have made ‘the wrong choice’, where in I perceive, think and believe that I cannot go back, I don’t know how to go back, and so I keep on following this pattern my whole life, playing it out within relationships where in I every time again ‘choose’ for the male who is unavailable, ‘not here’ and leave the male who is staying next to me no matter what, where in I end up alone and within this creating an experience of eternal sadness – which I know now, is generating energy within myself – and for a long time blaming my mother for the whole set up within myself, because she is the only one that is still here and involved in it within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret to not really see how my mother was always standing with me – with her ‘faults’ of course but she was here – because I turned away from her, looking for the one that was missing, believing that he must be somewhere, I felt ‘this love’ inside, I know ‘he loves me’, so where is he?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand where he is and why he is not coming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not finding him, for pushing him/my father away, and so she has to ‘pay for it’, and so I push her away, even so as I blamed her for doing this – an eye for an eye – within and as my perceive and believe that she ‘did this to me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand and believe that I did this to me, to my father and my mother in and as my mind; that I trapped myself within this fall, the fall of the mind in and as an eternal revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away in and as a moment of scare within myself for myself as who I am in and as revenge, in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to my father in an undefined moment with my mother that I felt threathened by her, but he is not here, I cannot find him and so I have nowhere to go but to go into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that leaving brings a solution as safety, instead of seeing, realising and understanding, that within leaving, going into and as the mind, I make myself vulnerable for every manipulation in, as and of the mind and ‘loose my safety’ as being here, equal and one with and as the physical at the moment that I choose to leave where at the same time, from now on I need to ‘protect’ myself as who I am in and as this decision of leaving as what is not best for all, so I need to ‘keep on leaving’ to keep the pattern alive as protectionmechanism from seeing myself in the face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay in and as the experience of fear of lost, because I choose to leave and lost myself within this in and as the physical within this one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive my father on forehand for everything and to blame my mother on forehand for everything and within this, giving my self-directivess away, creating separation and conflict within and without myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep looking for love outside myself that I perceived I lost once while searching for my father ‘to protect me’, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that it was an experience inside myself, reflecting with and as my father, and so looking outside myself is only seperating myself in and as projection on another human being, even if it happens as a very young child with my father, the principle is the same.

I commit myself to forgive myself the layers upon layers that I created within myself after taking my breath away, and correct myself evenso in and as stopping the revenge in the moment when it comes up, perhaps suppressed in and as a physical pain, investigating and forgiving it specific, until and where in I, slowly but surely, stand up, equal to who I am as the mind, to enable myself to become equal to and one with and as life in and as the physical as what is best for all as life.

I commit myself to stop leaving, to stay here and sort out myself.

To be continued within myself as the pain is moving and opening up a little.

Thank you.

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Male Ego

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Female Ego

enjoying the day

Desteni-I-Process-Lite

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/