Dag 727 – 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

This blog is related to record 14: Examples of trying to make it up

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically step in a relationship through having sex in an early stage and within this, ‘bounding’ myself emotionally to this other one where in I feel like I am already too far in and as if I cannot step back anymore and first investigate what the possibilities are of really stabnding and walking with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am able to have a sexual interaction without having clarity about a commitment towards each other as in a relationship/agreement and so from here, keep on stepping in physically and committing physically in a way, without first investigating the possibilities of standing and walking together and checking our principles, ability and willingness to really stand and walk together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devided within a mind-approach and believing to be able to already physically involve and a physical-being approach where in I look at and investigate all dimensions to possibly stand and walk with another being and look at how another being is willing and able to walk and stand with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the desire to have a relationship and the desire to become pregnant, by stepping in ‘too fast’ and already committing in a way while within common sense, I know there is more time needed to investigate where we both stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something so badly that I am willing to compromise my own standing and integrity that I actually had never developped and so, in a way knowing what to stand for but not being able to really, on all levels, be able to stand and keep standing within my integrity and within principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a stranger in my own house when the children of my partner in that time came over for the weekend, as I did not know how to involve with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to involve with my partner and his children coming over and within this, start separating myself from the situation and completely pulling back within myself and within some place in the house that I could find to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become some kind of monster within myself and towards my partner when and as his children came over for the weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everything would go better and become more in balance when and as I would have a child of my own within this situation, which may be so in a way, however it is a way of first trying to create a situation in physical reality where in I could have supported myself so much more if and when I had the tools to bring the feelings, emotions, backchat, reactions etc coming up within me – to first or while wwalking bring this back to myself, to also within the moment, make it more comfortable and enjoyable for myself as well as for my partner to walk this path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it very heavy for myself and my partner to walk a certain situation, because of not yet being able to take responsibility for my own feeling, emotions, reactions, backchat etc coming op related to the situation that I and we were living in and through this, putting so much load on the relationship and the situation as a whole that eventually maye have contributed to the ending of the relationship.

When and as I see myself becoming/experiencing myself and the situation with a partner as ‘heavy’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have emotions, feelings, reactions, backchat coming up within me that I do let decide how I experience myself and that from here, is defining who I am within that what I live.

I realize that the emotions, feelings, reactions, backchats, are coming forward out of thoughts and/or a way of trying to control my reality and so, out of trying to wanting a certain outcome, which I can see is related to aspects of my childhood where in I as a child, want a certain outcome, trying to enforce this on/towards my parents.

I realize that a form of control exists as a form of fear of not getting the outcome that I would like to see or desire and then within this an experience as belief that I would/could not exist anymore without this certain outcome.

I realize that within existing in and as fear as control, I speak and behave in a way that is putting a stamp in each situation and interaction and that is triggering others within their experience of control/fear, which is then again triggering my experience of control/fear and so on.

I realize that within contributing to creating this ‘heavy’ atmosphere, I make it more ‘heavy’ (meaning, separating myself from the reality and participants that I am involved in and with) than things need to be within each moment of breathe and that at the moment, I do have the tools to support myself to be stable and bring myself back to stability when and as a form of control/fear comes up.

I commit myself to name the desired outcome and to name the experience of fear of loss in a certain moment of conflict, for and within myself, to stop and to forgive/let go the desired outcome and instead, allow myself to move on and as the pace of my breathing and finding a living word to ‘hold on to’ within a specific moment that I need to bring stability in, within and as myself;

where in I realize that the only real and lasting way to ‘make it up’ within and as myself, is within taking full responsibility for and as myself and for the fear/control as reactions, emotions, feelings, backchat, thoughts that are coming up within and as myself, to not desire a specific outcome as ‘making things up’ for a mistake in the past, but to step by step, moment by moment, forgive and correct the mistakes within and as who I am within each moment of breath in and as a process that I walk from consciousness to awareness.

dak

Previous blog: 13. Trying to make it up

Next blog: 15. The insemination


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Dag 705 – The body-being-mind relationship – Who am I ?

discobal

The question ‘who am I’ was being discussed within group-chats that I participate in and at first, this was a bit vague for me. Meaning, I could not really define who I am and this was actually an important basic-point all the time, like, I could rationally understand ‘who I am’ and perfectly give words to it that I have learned and seen as real and common sense over the last few years. However, this does not mean that I as ‘me’, am really understanding and realizing myself as who I am.

Last week I was at my weekly sport-lesson. Standing half in front of a mirrow, doing the excersises within a group on music, I like this kind of work-out. What I noticed were the self-judgements that were automatically coming up within myself. Small and fast thoughts about how I look – positive as well as negative – and within this, as soon as they come up, I feel and notice how I finally diminish myself and actually define myself within and as these judgements. So here, I define myself as ‘who I am’ within and as self-judgement, so in and as the mind. Which is not a very supportive way to exist.

Moving on with the lesson, a realization came up within and as myself: I know and am sure what I stand for, I stand for and as principled living. I have committed myself to this, I am walking this now for several years, I am sure that this is what I want, what I will do and what I stand for and as and I am sure that I will forgive and correct myself when and as I am not living accordingly to the principles that are considering myself as life as a whole.

I can be and am sure of this, because I have extensively studied and applied this, I have walked and am continues walking this as a process that is needed to move myself from consciousness to awareness (where my awareness is present in and as myself within principled living, considering life as a whole). And here, I realized that this will be my platform of ‘who I am’, it’s my integrity and/as the certainty within and as myself, of my commitment and effort to live within principles that are best for myself (as life) and within this, for and as life as a whole and change myself into this on all the levels that I have separated myself in, as separation from this awareness within and as myself.

While realizing this, the small ‘rembling’ self-judgements disappeared/went silent and I have moved beyond this point within myself. Every time that an uncertainty comes up within myself, I remember myself as who I am within principles living. When I see within myself that self-judgements from another dimension keep on going, I know that these are other patterns that I need to look at, to forgive and correct within myself. However these small, rambling, diminishing self-judgements that are going on and on in my and every one’s mind – you know, the ones where everything is judged within self, a look on my face, a posture, actually my physical appearance and how I express myself in every small detail and then comparing myself to another, as being so self-conscious of every movement within and as my mind without doing anything about it – these are not needed, these do not make any sense at all and are of no support for myself, in and as life.

Within this moment during the sport, my calves became warmer and the circulation towards the calves, became better. A slight pain that did come back within the top of my left calve the few days before, it went away. One step forward towards earthing myself, one step deeper within my own physical body and finding a reference-point for myself that I can use, that I can live as, when and as I see that I tend to go into diminishing myself with regards to my physical presence and actually, it is a reference-point for myself when and as I tend to go into diminishing myself with regards to any other aspect. Altough here there may be more self-reflection needed, this who I am within principled living is still a reference-point for myself, in any and every moment.

More points to come, as I do feel more area’s that are cold within my physical that I will move myself towards, when and as I realize myself more and more in who I really am within the potential that I can live by and as.

Would you like to learn more about what principled living entails and how we can all start with this, within and as ourselves? There are lot’s of articles, video’s and lessons to find, free on line. To learn and understand where we come from (see ‘articles’ and ‘video’s’) and with practical solutions of how to move forward (see ‘lessons’ and ‘free on line’). For some basic understanding with regards to the terms ‘consciousness and awareness’, see the 3 links in the written text here above.

waterdrop

The body-being-mind relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

Dag 614 – Interaction with a large dog

670px-Calm-Down-a-Playful-Large-Dog-Step-4(click on picture for wikiHow)

I was visiting someone who is having a large dog. He is a pedigree-dog (different than on the picture here) but I am not so familiar with the names and I forgot what name it is. The dog was very playful and large and a bit wild – not at all any agressive wild but more ‘young and playful wild’ as he is only 1,5 years old. So he kept coming with a ball or just jumping around or running through the house. He likes to play and get attention.

I am not so much used to play with dogs because I have grown up with small animals (rabbits and guinea-pigs) but I have been on the farm in South-Africa for a month with a lot of dogs around and here I started to learn to get used to be surrounded by and live with dogs and really started to like dogs, where before I was a bit affraid of them because of not knowing how they will interact and only when knowing a dog, I would go to him/her.

This large dog came looking and playing and so I had to find out a bit how he plays and if he would bite while playing because the dog has big teeth in a big mouth. The owner said that he wasn’t agressive at all but sometimes you feel his teeth while playing because of being enthousiastic. So when starting with playing with the ball with him, I noticed that I could not really play this game and still had some fear of the teeth at the same ball that he wanted me to pick from him. So for then I let this to another one.

What I noticed is that the dog was pretty wild but after some careful approaches from my side and speaking out and showing to him that I was not so familiar with the ballgame and stopping the ballgame for a while, he did not came for playing and some time later he came to me much more carefull and quiet. I noticed this so I could stroke him and he liked to stand between two legs and take the ball there from the floor. In the end he was lying on the floor in total relaxation as how animals are masters in and I notoced him being so very gentle and kind for such a young dog being very playfull. I really liked how he aligned his approach with mine so that we could interact and snuggle. I from my side prevented myself from provoking him into wild playings as how is easily be done within interaction with an animal to make him/her enthousiastic. I let that to the big guys lol mainly because I met the dog for the first time.

I write this in a blog because it was standing out for me how very fast the dog aligned with my more gentle approach and became more quiet almost immediately while his approach was more wild in the beginning (perhaps also because where he lives and grew up they are more wild and load and the owner is a large guy). Dog-owners do know this ofcourse, how much aware their dog is and this is in fact so for all animals in general, they are so much aware and if treated gentle and not forced in a survival-mode they can and will be of so much support for us human beings to become more aware in and as ourselves and our physical body.

Check out the interviews within the animal-category and those about pets and owners and learn so much more about the animals than most would probably expect at first about the awareness of all animals being here.

full_the-quantum-existence-of-the-elephant-part-1full_psychic-animals-the-sheep-part-1

(click on pictures and blue words for links)

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Dag 442 – A physical experience of pure fear

Full quantum mind self awareness step 3

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It was a busy week with facing myself in some points related to control and ending up with a few days where in I was aware of participating in fear. I felt I was putting some strain on my body but was not yet realy able to stop myself within the moment. So I walked through, solved the point and my body started relaxing again. However, the next day I became ill, a headache and nausea started coming up during the day and reached it’s top in the evening. Here – same as I have experienced before – an experience came up as ‘this is unbearable’, by which I knew okay, hold on, keep standing within and it will open up. So I did. Here it was up to me to keep standing and not stay ‘focussed’ on a ‘point opening up’ in case I would keep myself constricted in ‘consciousness focussing on a point’. So I moved on with the normal daily tasks (which was in the evening and contained things like prepairing for bed) and here in the points came up as physical experiences of the fear that I had manifested within my body. The headache had in the mean time spreaden from the neck-occupy-bones throughout my head, within my throat, up to the nose and sinusses. Here it started burning for a moment, I could breathe in it, and it fade away. It moved like this through my head, the throat and fade away, until it came up within my chest and I felt a real strong burning, itching sensation, which I experienced as fear, pure fear. And so I experienced and realised how this headache and nausea and pain in the head, throat, sinusses, came forward out of an experience of fear within my chest, where in the moment that it happened, I had missed this within my chest, I experienced fear and adrenaline and restlessness but I did not experience the physical respons for what it really was. So I ‘got this back’ later. I Could quite easily walk through because the sinusses are not aerea’s where in I have build up chronic discomfort so there was no new fear connected to this. (The chronic discomfort I have build up within my intestines and is for further investigation how the fear manifested and misformed the muscle-tissue and mucus in there). One point is staying for longer as a slight headache around the left occupy-bone, which I feal related to movements within the intestine; I have this more often, I understand it is related to ‘reacting to reactions’ and I start seeing how it is related to constant activation in/as the mind but I am not yet clear on this point and have to walk this in specifity.

I have never experienced this fear so very physically within my chest and it made me clear how penetrating this experience of fear in/as the mind is.  So an occasion triggers/activates the quantum mind (related to a memory where in we have had an experience of ‘loosing control’ in/as the mind) which gives this experience of fear where in the body goes for a moment into a physical shock, as an inbreathe and not breathing through; the physical body ‘stands still’ for a moment at the moment of this activation of the quantum mind, penetrating the physical flesh. Which in itself is a very scaring moment. Scaring as frightening as scaring as making a scarf in the physical flesh within this moment of penetration. And so because we are not in breath but in a moment of an experience of ‘loosing control’ in/as fear, we are not physically experiencing what is happening within and towards the physical body, as we are kept within our own minds in a moment of ‘scare’ or ‘fright’ (schrik in Dutch).

This brought me towards ‘fear for this fear’, as ‘how can I stop myself from this moment of fright as an occasion that triggers this, will take place’. Where in I remember Bernard who said to me, when I asked him what to do with fear, he said ‘it’s a thought’. So I have to become aware of the thoughts within that moment in/as the quantum mind which would actually trigger my own fear, as thoughts are all little judgements which are very scaring, for myself and/or another. And these thoughts are triggered within an outside occasion on which we normally project on and connect towards the whole experience of fear that we have, and so within this, we keep ourselves dependent on these outside occasions ‘waiting’ for this fear getting activated.

I have to walk it back until I see how I create the whole experience and physical consequense, so that I can prevent myself from going into this, after first facing and forgiving myself within this while walking it in real time, for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself while creating this experience again. And if I see how I create it, I will be able to stop, forgive, correct myself and eventually prevent myself from walking into the same pattern over and over again and within this, prevent the physical body to go into the physical pattern as well which harms the body at the same place over and over again. I can give my physical body the neccasary nutrients to recover itself, but it is up to me to stop and change my patterns that create the physical consequenses in the first place. And when I am already within physical consequence I have missed several points and thoughts that activates the quantum mind and lead to this consequence and so this enlarge the pattern of fear, as in/as the mind it feels like ‘I am not able to do anything about this, it is beyond my control’. Which is the control of the mind; and in/as the mind, I exist in/as control, where in I will not be able to support myself physically as I will keep looking for ‘mind-solutions’, which are actually solutions in/as control, in/as limitations of the mind existing in and as energy, controling the whole physical body. Within this, I am locked in by my own consciousness.

This is as far as I am able to describe it at the moment. I will keep on walking this until I am totally clear on it and able to prevent myself from creating physical consequenses within my own body. If and when I am able to prevent myself from physical harm in any given moment,  I am standing stable and being trustworthy, for myself and for others in/as life. I will not know how long this will take and if I am gonna make it at all; I am only able to move on within this process where in I see the physical progress within myself with my own physical body as a point of reference, until it’s done.

Thanks.

(Note –  I write here ‘occupy-bone’ instead of ‘occipital bone’ as a mistake in writing from myself – see comment below this blog – however I leave it in as it is funny indeed how I made ‘occupy’ from it where being occupied with the mind-backchat may lead to pain/pressure around the area of the occipital bones in the back of the head)

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Dag 186 – Atlascorrection – aligning the physical

Yesterday I went for a treatment to Breda. It is called Atlascorrection. It is a treatment of correcting the first cervical vertebra, called the atlas. This vertebra is a little bit more broad than alle the other vertebras laying under it. In 99% of the human the atlas is not laying straight. Meaning, it has two small points which fit exactly in two little holes, but it is not laying in this holes. This has an effect on the whole spine, the hips and pelvis and on the legs, and on different organ- functions because through the hole in the middle of the atlas there are a lot of nerve-paths that do not have enough space if the atlas is laying wry/on one side.

The atlas is having this wry position because of manipulations during birth, other manipulations during life or manipulations because of defensemechanism which triggered a reflective movement within the upper muscles of the neck later in life. Interesting is that it also can be that this atlas is not laying on the right place from birth and that if it is corrected within the woman, there are children born with who it is laying on the right place. They connect it within this with something in the DNA. And after asking some more the woman who treat me says that there is ‘a theory’ that it is programmed like this – the atlas laying wry – by the Annunaki? I am not familiar with the terms they use and which theory is behind this race within other information than through the portal within desteni.

Before going to SA I decided to go to a treatment like this because of different physical complaints that can be related to dysbalance within the atlas and because of my hips that are twisted and getting worse. I saw this treatment, read something about this atlas not straight from birth, and my first impression was, this has something to do with the programming of the mind.

Well I went there, and although it is a woman who is working with terms of Light in her other treatments, she was very straight, clear and practical in her way of speaking and acting and of course only speaking about this atlascorrection because that is what I was coming for. She explained that they give a deep massage to the muscles around the atlas, the muscles can relax and within this the atlas go to the right place, within the small holes, by itself. No manipulation of the vertebras. She also checked first how the atlas is standing and showed me how it was not standing straight with different physical signs that she cross-referenced with each other. Yes it was not straight and yes, this I noticed already for a long time.

The massage is giving with a small machine which goes deep into the muscles, and it hurts! Especially when the muscle is very tight because of the incorrect stand of the atlas, trying to correct the body within this. By me, it always hurts on this place, this is one of the reasons why I knew I had to go there for a treatment. The treatment is short, a few minutes, and she is holding the head with her other arm which gives support in the painfull massage. After the massage she checked again with me and the turning of the head was alligned, the legs where laying in the right possition, I am standing directly more straight and stable in my legs and in more aware in my pelvic, standing more straight on earth. I was a little overwhelmed because of the pain, which afterwards is actually gone besides some sensitivity left of the treated area. My experience is that it is finally standing straight, and not only the spine, but something within my whole body which I was correcting all the time but not able to do so. But of course doing all the things possible to find a balance. I also noticed when I was outside again traveling home, that it seems like I am looking more to the right side, which is actually straight ahead, but because before I looked more to the left, it seems now like I am looking a little to the right. it’s like I suddenly see and want to see the right side.

There can be reactions and corrections within the body for up to a year because the body has to correct itself within this new standing, which can be supported with other treatments, and ofcourse by applying self-forgiveness and self-corrections to align the mind with the physical within this process. Most of time it is a permanent correction of the atlas, as it lays on the right position it stays there.

Let’s see how it goes.

Next day I was listening to the interview of The Consciousness of the Butterfly 1. The Butterfly is speaking about DNA. About how the body was within the sound-symbols within the DNA not meant to cooperate in its full potential, to devellop physical communication in the most potential,  but that it is programmed with the purpose to generate the most energy possible for consciousness to survive. This is exactly how it is with the atlas not standing straight and what I noticed within myself related to this: I was generating energy all the time by trying to correct myself in/as the physical in all possible ways and creating frustrations/sadness and more by experiencing not being able to do so. The investigations about this atlascorrection show that correction of the position of the atlas corrects something – the sound-symbols? – within the DNA as some children that are born (not all) by woman from who the atlas is corrected, are born with a straight position of the atlas.

It is not really clear to me if the the atlas is already wry when the baby is coming out of the womb, or that it is manifested later in life. The influence of the program as consciousness, as what they here call a defense mechanism which triggers a reflective movement,  is part of this position of the atlas, and as far as I can see it is depending on different factors, from mother, child, pregnancy, DNA  and devellopment and eventual accidents during lifetime on earth, in which way it manifests and where it starts.

It is a treatment that I can really recommend as a support to align yourself within the physical, where in the physical and mind can function together, supporting each other as Equals, as Life.

Atlasprofilaxwebsite

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