Dag 757 – Different aspects of gentleness

     

Continuing on the previous blog about gentleness with the application of self-forgiveness on different aspects that I see within myself in relation to the word ‘gentle’:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it when someone is (in my experience) not gentle towards me and to judge it eather when I am not gentle to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be gentle with me because I will listen anyway and even more when someone is gentle and so I find it ‘not needed’ to not be gentle with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I don’t deserve it to be treated rude instead of gentle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that how another is treating me is defining me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I define myself within my reactions on a ‘not gentle treatment/approach’ and I don’t like the experience of my reaction and so suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘that I cannot accept this’ when someone is (in my experience) not gentle to me because I feel like ‘I cannot express myself’ in this and I don’t want to live in this suppressed state, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I first need to experience and within this, be able to see and define what it is that I suppress so that I can bring this back to myself in and as self-forgiveness as an opening in and as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot express myself when another is ‘not gentle’ towards me, which is true in a way if and when I am in reaction towards this and within this suppress myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my ‘gentle’ is the same as another one’s ‘gentle’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not want to be gentle myself in certain moments but still do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually wish and want me to be more direct, where in I see that I can now redefine the word direct into a directiveness within and as myself and so, it does not need to be ‘too confronting’ but can still be gentle, though directive as clear within my direction, first within myself within the naming and forgiving of myself in the uncomfortable state that I tend to go into in and as fear for how others speak to me and from here I can be directive though gentle within a situation with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I don’t have the right’ to direct a situation and to suppress the possibility of directing myself and so I go into judgement as fear when and as I find that another is not gentle towards me, because I think and believe that I am not able or allowed to do anything about it and from this fear, I become angry myself and so stop being gentle, as well towards myself and my own body as towards another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually react to my own thinking that I ‘cannot or am not allowed to do anything about it’ and so I think I have the option of ‘taking it or leaving’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my gentleness when I loose my direction / self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use gentleness as a protection-mechanism as of I am ‘innocent’ in a way because I am gentle and so within my gentleness, there is a hidden blame towards another who is ‘not gentle’ in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be superior by being gentle and to not show face of what I really experience inside myself, not even to myself actually so that I constantly suppress and miss myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a mask of gentleness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that all would be easier if everyone would be more gentle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to seduce the energy of the reactions within me with gentleness.

In general what I see is that we loose our ‘natural gentleness’ when and as we loose the direction within ourselves because we get lost in our emotions/feelings/reactions where even the most gentle character shows a different face. So gentleness would then be the self-expression of who I am in consideration of what is best for others/all involved, as then I am gentle with and as life as substance. So then it is more an application or expression of what is needed in the moment to bring about an outcome in alignment with and as life.

When and as another is, in my eyes and/or experience, not speaking in a gentle way towards/with me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I suppress my experiences as reaction in this moment from where I directly go into a defense-mechanism as that I ‘don’t want to be treated this way’.

I commit myself to first practise to stay more quiet and see within myself what comes up.

I commit myself to embrace what comes up in and as a reaction towards a (from my perspective) not gentle approach and to take time for and as myself to forgive myself and becoming stable again and so first learn and practise to be gentle with and as myself.

When and as I notice that I myself am not speaking in a gentle way (without an aware decision of doing so) , I stop myself from speaking for a moment and breathe.

I realize there is a reason within me for doing so as something that I have separated myself from that I need to investigate for myself.

I commit myself to breathe in, to breathe out and continue speaking in a more stable voice if possible and otherwise take a pause and continue later and I commit myself to take responsibility for my approach and way of speaking within self-forgiveness until I find the source of separation within/as myself (source as suppressed state or reaction or idea/belief that I have stored within myself somehow).

(So far for now as the computer keeps hanging all the time which makes it almost inpossible to write and move the mouse).

To be continued.

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Dag 749 – 28. Learned a lot

This blog is related to record 28: Learned a lot

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ of ‘learning things’ and rather would like to start building something that is lasting and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not already building something because of walking through difficult patterns, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this goes hand in hand and so, ‘learning’ and ‘building’ can go together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘creating’ or ‘building’ is something nice and ‘learning’ in this context is mainly difficult and challenging and so, when I do not experience it as nice, I see it as only ‘learning’ or ‘walking through patterns’ and not so much as ‘creating’ and ‘building’.

Self-forgiveness on experiences that are coming up while a pattern is activated and showing it’s face / where I am facing myself within this pattern:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely shut down and blanko because of not being able to do anything anymore and so the only solution for now is leaving it and letting go of the control about what another is taking responsibility in or not and taking responsibility for myself in how I experience myself at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not believe’ how this can happen, how someone can do this and so, I am not standing equal and one with myself and/as another, where in I see now that I hide and suppress an experience of guilt that I have stored in my body as an expectation of a ‘need to be here all the time for another, 24 hours’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not possible and realistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be here 24 hours a day for another which must be coming forward out of a mother-syndrom of always feeling like ‘not enough’ for the child, as there can always go something wrong when I am not here and that is then ‘my fault’ or responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coming forward out of this self-judgement, going into my mind and from here, indeed not being here 24 hours but distracted within and as a form of self-protection, to not feel the emotions coming up as a reaction in certain circomstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel paralized at the height of my ovaria and going down within my legs, like my legs are made of chewing-gum and not being able to move myself anymore to whatever direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus myself completely on another as in a mother-syndrom, looking after her child and without this focus, not being able to direct myself anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have protected myself against what I have perceived as the attention of my own mother and her worries about me and at the same time, copying this pattern and doing it myself to a ‘loved one’ that I ‘worry about’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to move through and how to ‘fix’ this.

When and as I see myself going into worrying about a ‘loved one’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I worry about myself and not being able to be with this one anymore and/or to live without this one, where the worry is then actually ‘about me’ and so, I am not really effective in seeing what support I am able to give or stand, when and as that may be needed.

I realize that the patterns and play-outs I walk now, are of support for myself (and/as another) to stand on my own two feet in every situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘that it is too much, that this is not cool anymore, that I cannot have it anymore and that it is unfair that I need to go through all of this as I did not do anything wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only need to go through things if I do ‘something wrong’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I ‘do wrong’, is taking projections of another personally as if it is about me and ‘wanting to take care of another 24 hours as a way to be sure to be together’ is an approach that is impossible and unrealistic, as we all need to stand on our own two feet and learn to take responsibility for our own mind and so, it are opportunities to bring the patterns that are stored deep within me to the surface, so that I can forgive and correct myself into a more realistic and so, more effective living human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that things will be allright if I ‘do not do anything wrong anymore’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind is build up and stored within many deep layers and that we are only free, when all are free and so, the pain will not stop until all are free as only then we will be able to communicate, to care and to work together effectively but at the same time I can push myself to take responsibility for my own experiences.

I realize that I do not understand a reaction within myself that starts with ‘I cannot believe this is happening’ and here giving up on myself and giving away my self-direction of who I am in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live without the other and so, taking on more responsibility on my shoulders than is really my part which is then a distraction within and for myself from experiencing the pain of inequality, because as long as I am busy with the other and trying ‘to do good’, I think and believe that I can not loose the other or that I can not be blamed to loose the other and I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if another sees what he/she is doing, that he/she then will walk away and never come back and so I try to prefend this by doing the best I can to ‘fill the gabs’ and ‘always be here’, where in I see, realize and understand that I then actually go away from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my reactions in living without the other and so I want the other to ‘always be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ‘learned a lot’ but still not really changed in this deep pattern of dependency within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to stand within the unexpectedness of life and within the only certainty of being with and as myself no matter what, meaning that I do not have control about an outcome but only about what I walk in and as myself and so, I do not have control about ‘staying together’ as there always can something ‘unexpected’ happen and so, I created a ’24 hours attention’ within and as myself and behind this an experience of guilt to keep myself busy with, as a distraction and illusion of control about ‘being/staying together’ as how a mother and child are connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find a commitment to stand with in this but at the same time, expecting a commitment from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit to stand with myself as within this, I experience a huge fear to ‘loose another’ if I do so and I am not sure how I will stand with and as myself if and when I may ‘loose another’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not ‘fear loosing someone’, that I then not ‘love’ someone and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then hold on to the fear as holding on to my own thoughts as a ‘connection’ as actually a way of control in and as my own mind.

I commit myself to continue walking and finding ways to support myself and others in this, by keeping myself open and approachable for receiving and giving ways of self-support and preventing myself from speaking or acting in reaction (and forgiving/correcting myself when and as I do so) and within this, giving myself and others time to walk through the difficult parts within and as the mind, where in I realize everytime again that I can only keep standing within the principle of what is best for all, in and as life and that eventually within and as life, we are all united and no one will be ‘left alone’ anymore as here we are al(l)-one with ourselves in and as life, without existing in separation. Which is something that I now only realize in knowledge and information and that will take a lifetime to walk into in practical reality and so I move myself through the fears coming up, slowly and embracing/forgiving myself for what I experience in every moment, within and as self-support and support of one another.

I commit myself to look into the words ‘creating’ and ‘building’ and redefine this into a more realistic definition for myself.

I commit myself to walk ‘what is here’, in small pieces day by day and not too much going into a looking forward as then easily many things can come up as a ‘what if this and that go wrong’ where in I then fuell an experience of ‘fear of loss‘ within and as myself.

I commit myself to look into thoughts connected to an experience of fear within the realization of the information that ‘fear’ actually exist within and as a thought.

Previous blog: 27. Finding my stability

Next blog: 29. Care as motivation


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Uil forgive

Dag 742 – 21. Opportunity to change direction

This blog is related to record 21: Opportunity to change direction

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to change direction and to step into the unknown and within this, knowing that I have somehow ‘missed an opportunity’ for expansion within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not daring to change direction and stepping into a new area, where at the same time, I saw that it may have been too much expansion within the unknown without enough practical and grounded (self-)support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel thorn for so many years between seeing a potential and living a potential and within this, feeling myself as ‘less than’ who I perceive in and as the mind that I can be, without really seeing, realizing and understanding the extensive process that is existing between seeing and living my potential that is not easily stepped in and walked as something that is most challenging for myself and everyone else to really walk in and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think lite’ about the challenging process of stepping into the unknown and within this, letting go of the control of my own mind-programming as ‘that what I know’ and through this ‘thinking lite/light ;-)’, diminishing myself in who I am within walking what I am physically able to in that specific moment and so walk moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through the eyes of my own mind and within this, create a ‘matrix’ or ‘breeding ground’ for ‘feeling less than’ and ‘feeling better than’ others in/as myself within comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself through a separation of my physical stability as ability, within my emotional dependency as inability in/as the mind and so creating this emotional/mind dependency as self-inability in/as the physical and sabotaging and stopping my physical ability as potential to give birth to a child (and to give birth to myself as life as well).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and stop my own physical ability as potential to live, within listening to and living in and as my emotional dependency in/as the mind, instead of stopping my emotinal dependency in/as the mind and stepping into this physical doorway of opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself physically and within and as self-expression from a starting-point of fear for the unknown, thinking and believing that I cannot make it, that I will fall into depression and fall apart and crash down if and when I would let go of this emotional dependency in/as the mind as the ‘one and only relationship’ that I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am right and make the right decision when and as I follow that what I know within my emotional dependency in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to hear another advise that is saying that I am allowed to reconsider my decision that I firstly made as a safe ground to walk on, although I do realize somewhere within that moment that I skipp a part of myself to invest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is a possibility to skipp a part of myself to invest and thinking and believing that I ‘do come away with this’ and that I ‘can escape’ somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a dream as a ‘consciousness sign’ as a confirmation of my decision in safe ground and to not listen to a practical, physical advise from a friend who is opening up a dimension within and as myself that I have not yet considered, simply because I experience too much fear to open it up and rather stick to consciousness as what know and so, what I believe that I can control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to let go of my limited consciousness system if and when it is not or no longer at my advantage and to want to keep it when and as I think that it is or can be at my advantage and so, separating myself within this conflict of not standing absolute in equality and oneness as what is best for myself as live as a whole, this as a way to avoid the difficult and unknown parts within and as myself to walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to walk around the difficult parts within and as myself, thinking and believing that ‘I do not know how to do this’ but actually to avoid unpleasant experiences within and as myself (that I for example have connected to ‘not knowing how to do this’).

When and as I see myself participating in a thought of ‘I do not know how to do this’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am avoiding an unpleasant experience within and as myself.

I commit myself to allow myself to experience the unpleasant and within this, using the tool of self-forgiveness and breathing, to walk through and see what opens up as possible solution and I commit myself to keep pushing and walking, no matter how slow it goes, no matter how tired I feel or really physically am; this can not be an indication to not push through but even more an indication that I need to keep pushing because ‘going back’, is not an option, where in I realize that this is part of the birthing process of birthing myself as life, in and as the physical, walking through all tge layers of consciousness and taking responsibility for how I have separated myself within all these systemized dimensions.

When and as I see that I ‘think lite’ of the challenging process of stepping into the unknown as no longer following consciousness programming and letting go of a control-mechanism, from myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the theory is easy but really walking it is a different story because in many layers, there are stored unpleasant experiences as moments of an experience of ‘loosing control’ as misunderstanding of what is happening and here I need to walk backwards through these experiences one by one, to be able to forgive as understand myself in this specific experience so that from here, I enable myself to change into a way that is supportive and best for myself and/as others that are involved as well.

I commit myself to keep on supporting myself within the constant and consistent application of breathing, writing and introspection within self-forgiveness as self-understanding and to do this with perseverance, to be able to stand and keep standing within the moment, without taking control in/as the mind and then seeing what opens up, no matter if I fail or fall or apparently not am moving myself and no matter how miserable I experience myself for a while or certain timeframe –  and so, I live and ground myself in and as the word perseverance.

When and as I see myself judging a control-mechanism, from myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that judging in itself is a form of control as the only way that I have learned and seen in and as the mind to try to solve things, when actually the judging in itself keeps the door closed for possible and livable solutions.

I realize that the unpleasant experiences are actually coming from an idea as judgement of how things should be.

I commit myself to start with naming and forgiving the experience that comes up that I find unpleasant, in the moment that I see myself judging a control-mechanism and to name and forgive the idea as judgement within and as myself and I commit myself to first become stable within this and from here, see what needs to be directed within the situation itself that I then can open up without ‘being upset’ and ‘feeling controled’, because then I have already directed myself and so, no longer controling myself with an idea and unpleasant experience and I commit myself to keep on practising this self-stability because,

this in itself is already a change in direction within and as myself and all these little moments of apparently loosing control, are opportunities to change direction, within and as myself.

Previous blog: 20. Searching for the life within me

Next blog: 22. looking back without considering the mind

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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

 

Dag 735 – 17. A relationship ending (in the past)

This blog is related to record 17: A relationship ending

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to …

I do not really find a point moving within me while listening to this recording nr 17 – which is cool as then I have this dimension walked through, I also hear this in my voice and how I speak about it. However I can expand some on the subject and on ‘the ending of a relationship’ in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of ending relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it sad how relationships are ending and then an interaction is often stopping and coming to an end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulties with the word ‘ending’ and actually, want to keep relationships continuing and ‘never ending’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make a ‘never ending story’ out of a relationship where it more sounds like walking in circles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that he ‘should have taken time to sit down and communicate’, where in I do see that I ‘find something’ of a point in this recording, although I do not experience a reaction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as a non valid reason to end a relationship and to ‘expect more’, that he found it too much of an effort and too uncomfortable to sit down and talk once a week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now experience myself how uncomfortable and ‘unknown’ it is to really communicate with a partner and bring forward my selfwill and what I stand for, so much that I myself tend to step back and give up and to use reactions of another as a reason to not push through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a concept in this in my mind, that I can use as a guideline of how to support the communication with a partner, where I do not find any of such as the concepts that I have in/as experience, in/as my mind, do not work at all in a current situation and here I see that in the past with this partner that I speak about in the record, I was placing the communication in a concept that worked for me but not for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I worked with a concept that was supportive for me but not for him, and so I felt comfortable in it but he not and so, I did have a form of control in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to concepts that I know in/as my mind and so that I feel comfortable in, to use as a way to communicate without seeing, realizing and understanding that this concept works for me but not for the other and so by pushing my concept, I keep the control which activates probably an unpleasant and some sort of diminishing experience in the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in place within a concept of communication without really seeing what kind of effect this has on another, because I am convinced that ‘my concept works’, without considering that ‘it works for me’ and how I have myself build up in/as my mind-programming, which is different than how another has build himself or herself up in/as his/her mind-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I am still working with concepts as a way to try to keep the experience of control alive within/as myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, I will not birth myself in sound in self-expression, because here will be no concept as control anymore, but more a walking breath by breath, moment by moment that I do not have ‘a concept for in my mind’, but that I will learn by doing so while walking within the guidelines of standing within principle and considering all as myself as life and considering where we are all situated in this process.

When and as I see myself trying to communicate in a way that another is not responding well to, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am pushing my concept of communicating that is comfortable for me but perhaps not for another, and although it may contain principles that are best for all, this doesnot mean that it is directly the best way to communicate.

I commit myself to push myself to try and find ways to communicate that are working for myself as well as for another.

When and as I see myself wanting to give up because a communication is not going smoothly, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I do not have any reference of how to do this, other than walking it in real time and finding ways by applying the principles of what is best for all, within my communication and finding words that will support me in this and from here, can be of support for another and I realize that I will make mistakes in this as a trial and error process, not as ‘I can make mistakes no matter what’ but more as a realistic approach of walking into new area’s.

I commit myself to be gentle and patient with myself in this and I do not allow myself to give up, but rather breathe, step back and take time to find out what I need to align within myself, what experiences are coming up that I need to define, forgive and replace with a supportive word to live and while doing so, slowly slowly create a new approach for myself that is flexible, supportive and alligned within the principles of equality and oneness and that I can use and stand in as self-expression within consideration of myself or another as life.

When and as I see that I compromise or have compromised myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that we are all grown up in compromising situations from the very beginning and so, the compromising words, patterns and behaviours will come up to take responsibility for.

I commit myself to take responsibility for the compromising words, patterns and behaviours that I see coming forward in myself and my life within the application of self-forgiveness and to be aware to not create more energy around this than necessary to walk through, meaning, to not make it ‘more bad because I have compromised myself or another’ but to see it practical and realistic as consequenses that need to become visible and walked through.

When and as I see myself ‘expecting more’ within a communication, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I look from my onw concept towards another and then expect another to understand my concept.

I commit myself to look into the word ‘expectation’ within communication, for/within myself and how to communicate with another without expecting it to be understand or taken on as how I understand and take it on.

A process to be continued…

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Previous blog: 16. Shame and compromising

Next blog: 18. Using emotional manipulation


Proces van zelfverandering:

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De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

733 – Projection – What if that what I am seeing, through thinking, is not ‘as it is’?

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Projection is one of the most difficult mechanism of the mind to really see within ourselves. Through thoughts, feelings and emotions it seems like that what we see and experience is reality, while it is actually only a personal interpretation that we have build up, through memories, within our life, mostly as a control-mechanism and then continuesly used to protect ourselves for the experience of ‘loosing control’. Within this, we look through our ‘mind-eyes’ and then project this on physical reality.

Projection has also different dimensions. For myself, I have learned that I still do believe in certain moments – and certainly have believed – my own thoughts, feelings and emotions as if it is real, however I have quite early in process learned to open up my own point of view, by asking myself the question: what if that what I am seeing through thinking, is not as it is, what if the other is telling me how it is actually, so, in terms of the mind: what if I am ‘wrong’ and the other is ‘right’; no matter how much I am convinced by my own experience to be real or ‘right’ as how it is?

This question can open up ‘process’, for me it did.

Process meaning, walking from consciousness to awareness in taking responsibility for who we are in our thoughts/feelings/emotions, words and deeds and learn to self-honestly reflect and change.

Within this realization, I could approach another again and bring forward that I opened up for their view and let go of my view as ‘being right’. Where within this, I saw indeed that I really had projected my own view  – as how it is for me – on another, so I placed my own build up mind-situation on another, as if this was ‘about them’. But it was not, it was only about me.

Seeing this, is giving an opening to become self-honest. It is opening up the possibility that what I see, is not how it is. And from here it gives an opening for listening from a different starting-point; from here on I learned to listen from a starting-point of seeing what is real, of a willingness to learn and listen and integrate and expand; not to ‘proove that I am right’ but to see what is real and from here, integrate and learn to apply what is best for all.

It seems such a small insignificent step. However, it is a change in starting-point, from a ‘closed circle’ in/as the mind, where in I have locked in and encrypted myself within my own memories and experiences, to opening up, to really listen and learn.

While doing so – when I am willing to listen and learn and expand –  the personal points of view that I created in ‘default’ so to speak, will one by one come forward, within and as myself. And here I then can take responsibility for my personal interpretations and the effect and consequence of this, by forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself occupied within my own personal and self-created point of view.

From here it is a process for years to walk, as I have layered so many aspects within myself, where I really believe that ‘what I see and how I feel is real’ and so, I keep myself occupied in and with it. However, through time and application, it becomes easier te be self-honest and most important, this willingness to learn, to listen and see what is real, this did not go away anymore. This one moment of realization that I have walked and applied in reality as a change within/as myself, as an opening up, this I has been established as a constant and consistant self-support from where I can continuously expand.

More difficult do I find it now, when another is projecting his/her thoughts on me and through this, really manipulating a whole situation or interaction. Because as long as this circle in/as our own mind is closed without an opening for other views, it is not so easy to reach out to the beingness that is channeled within and as the mind, within and as this closed circle, to bring in some common sense and such conversation easily spirals out of control. Because, at this stage there is no real communication possible, as the mind can/will protect it’s own rightiousness and use all kind of really smart projections to keep oneself locked-in and existing, to ‘proove’ to be right and from here, it will keep every other view locked out, at distance.

This is something that I will open up for myself in next blog, within the application of self-forgiveness where in I will take responsibility for the experiences that are coming up within me, when and as projections are placed on me so to speak and on the experience of not knowing how and where to start about how the mind works, on the experience of not knowing how to make clear that what is being said, is not about me, but about what another is projecting (on me in this case) as a personal mind-interpretation.

“As you’ve already Noticed, if you’ve been with Desteni for several years: Change, in any form whatsoever – is the most difficult thing. That, Simplistically because – the Systems that Control the Human, and I mean the Human – your Thoughts, Everything is Controlled Completely. At some level one do Understand this, although some are so well Controlled that they would for instance Think ‘they are their Thoughts’, which is like fascinating that one can come to such a Conclusion.” (…)

(…) “We knew of the Problem in the Beginning when the Portal Opened – so, to Solve the Problem there was only One Solution: everyone had to be placed in an Equal Position in the Dimensions, that means – in the Afterlife. Unless they are in an Equal Position, we’ll have continuous Deception and Misrepresentation, and Image and Likeness’s that we have to Deal with – and it will take a long time to Break-through this to get to Self-Honesty where one can get to Self-Responsibility. As the Destonians know, how difficult it is to help another being on Earth – it is like, it’s Virtually Impossible. It’s like pulling hens teeth, and hens don’t have teeth – so, that’s how Difficult it is to even get One Person to Realize the Extent of the Problem that they are Existing as in their Fake Illusions, and their Images and Likenesses – through which they are Protecting the Inner Evil that Life has always been, within this World.” 

From: The Encryption of Systems (Part One)

projection


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Uil forgive

Dag 719 – 7. The moment of truth

This blog is related to record 7: The moment of truth

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push away the support that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when I listen to the record and see how gentle the support is offered even in a situation that is not optimum or what the other want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how it is for the other to not have any say in the the situation of having the child let to be born or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions for myself from a point of survival in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘myself and the child’ but not the male involved, coming forward out of a situation that is not grounded and build in trust and stability but more used as a way to fulfill a part of my self-interest and even within this, use ‘how it would be for the child’ as an excuse to not really consider myself deep within, same as how I am really not considering another as self deep within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first set something into motion as that I want deep within, without considering everything and everyone involved and see how ‘that what I want/would like’, how I will be able to slowly build this in consideration of everything that is involved but instead, when I have is set in motion and created into physical reality, see the consequenses of what I have created and from here, pull back, not being willing or knowing how to to push through and walk into reality with what I have set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to support myself in a constructive way within the physical consequenses that I have set in motion and from here, pull back as the only way that I see as solution that I am able to live and so go from ‘willing’ to ‘not willing’ anymore to move on with what I have set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself, others and life itself by first setting something into motion, create a spark of life into physical reality and then pull back, when and as I see everything that is involved that I have not considered on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort of ‘amputate’ a part of myself within myself as not continuing with ‘that what I really want’, within and as the belief ‘that I cannot do that’, where in I actually and simply have not considered all and everything that is involved on forehand and so, I may be able to ‘do that’ if and when I start considering myself as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘amputate everything’ because my starting-point was not in consideration of myself as a whole as what is best for all, myself included and instead of then continue walking with what I have created already and change this into a situation in a best possible way, thinking and believing that I need to ‘stop it all’, to ‘delete it all’ and ‘make it away’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistances that I experience as an excuse to ‘make things away’ and disappear and within this, disappear within myself, in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistances that I experience – in a way where I ‘push away that what triggers experiences of resistance within me’ – as an excuse to ‘make things away’ and disappear, instead of bringing the experience of resistance back to myself, investigate the origin and forgive myself for separating myself from the origin within and as myself.

When and as I see myself participating in a tendency to ‘amputate’ or stop or ‘make away’ something that I started that I then see later is not best for all, I stop and breathe.

I realize that we create a lot from a starting-point that is not yet best for all, in consideration of ourselves and life as a whole, because we have programmed and been programmed in a way of self-interest and it takes time to walk this back, to forgive and change ourselves in this and where in the physical consequenses that we create, shows us where we are not aligned with ourselves as life as a whole, with our ‘integrity’ as life. I realize that this doesnot mean that i need to ‘amputate’ everything and that part of myself but that it actually means that I need to embrace, understand and forgive myself for that part of/as myself.

I commit myself to embrace, understand and forgive myself for something that I create and set in motion that appears to not have been created from a starting-point of myself in my integrity as life as a whole, in consideration of others as life involved and I commit myself to from here, see how I can change this consequense as creation in a way that is now supporting life and considering the life and/as myself as a whole – meaning considering all aspects within me that I see related and moving within.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘push away that what triggers experiences of resistance within me’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the resistance that I experience is showing me a part of myself that I have separated myself from in a moment of ‘loosing control’ somewhere in my life and so, it is showing me ‘where I need to be’; so pushing it away is not a solution. I realize that an experience of resistance in/as the mind, is more a distraction as a temptation of myself in programming, to not see beyond this programming so it is ‘a program protecting itself’. I realize that this program is not really me, but within the program, I have channeled a part of me, of myself as a being and so, I need to bring myself back here towards and within a starting-point of self-direction.

I commit myself to support myself to find, name and forgive the thought as control-mechanism within and as myself myself and to name and forgive myself for participating in the activated energies as related feelings and emotions coming up.

I commit myself to use my body as a point of support and cross-reference for this process while laying down and gently pushing on places within my body that are constricted and that are coming forward – where in my body brings up that what I have missed from/within myself – and here sounding self-forgiveness on thoughts and emotions that come up, without trying to ‘relate to it’ immediately, as I have seen that ‘the sense in it’ will come forward sooner or later, while or after I am supporting my body to release the stored energy.

I commit myself to support my body to support me, through every day taking some time to focus on only breathing within and as my physical body and to continue doing so, no matter if I will be distracted very fast or if it will be long or short, I will do it again and again.

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Previous blog: 6. Decision in a split second

Next blog: 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’


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Dag 661 – Battling for attention – self-forgiveness, a start

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Continuing on: Dag 660 – Allow yourself to loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid an experience of loosing in small events and conversations and here suppress myself in this experience and at the same time, because of avoiding to experience ‘to loose’, automatically try to win and ‘feel better’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to irritate myself when and as I notice another in conversation with me ‘trying to win’ without looking in my own experiences and what I am actually doing here myself which colours my observation around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot reach a dimension of this winning and loosing and the pain that I caused myself within participation in this polarity within myself and here more being on the surface of it within an uncomfortable experience of seduced emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to not experience the pain that I cause to myself from participating in the polarity of winning and loosing.

Can I name the experience here?

Being ignored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my being by suppressing how I really experinec myself and instead of supporting myself and name the experience, forgive myself for the participation and believe in it and see what makes me feel like this, suppressing this within myself and my physical body and so, creating physical consequenses for myself from where I recreate the experiences and so the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ignored when I notice another in conversation with me is not really listening but in my eyes trying to ‘win’ my attention for their own words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a battle for attention for words that are spoken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of ‘always listening’ to the words of another who from my perspective, do not give any attention to my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another does intentional not listen to my words, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that another might not even be aware of the inequality within the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because my experiences of not being listened to and not being noticed are so obvious for myself, that another is also noticing this but delibrately ignoring it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the other does not see what is going on inside myself and because I am suppressing it, it is not visible eather for the physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should get space from another to express myself as how I give another space to express themselves by listening and asking questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to receive what I give, which is not unconditionally giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like with this giving, ‘emptying’ myself and labeling this as a ‘bad’ thing from where I now realize that what I experience as emptying myself, might not be ‘bad’ in itself but my interpretation of it might be misformed and so I misinforme myself with information from what I experience, so from my emotions that I believe and take for real as ‘this is who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinform myself by believing my own experiences/emotions as this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this ‘emptying myself’ is also an experience and so contained of negative emotional energie, based on misinformation as thoughts and believes as judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own being while at the same time I am aware of myself.

I see now in the word ‘being’ that this is who I am, ‘be’ and as I define myself as ‘being something’ this is how I label my own ‘being’ as who I am and funny enough even the beginning of my own name is in it as ‘be ing(rid) which in itself also includes ‘be in grid’ as in the grid-lines and so within this letters I see a movement from ‘being in the gridlines’ to my ‘being’ does not mean to ‘delete completely who I am’ but more embracing and changing who I am’ by moving myself to and as my being.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘being ignored’ and from here, of loosing while i am in a conversation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in my mind in polarity, trying to make myself more (important) than the other to ‘become equal’ to each other, instead coming to a point of equality first within and as myself by stopping the participation within the experiences of winning and loosing as a way of control.

I realize that I try to control by trying to win (attention) and I realize that I feel like loosing (control) if I am not ‘being attended’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within conversation, expect to be first be attended by another to be heared, instead of attend myself and from here, express myself.

I realize that this is used as some kind of suppression to children that they are not allowed to speak when the adults does not give the persmission to do so, which I may even have copied as a pattern from a parent to whom this is used and which is in a form of suppression moved into the children as I did not see this pattern consciously affirmed and lived by my parents but sub- and maybe unconsiously, it was playing a role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy, believe and follow suppressed/hidden patterns without investigating for and within myself what the consequenses are of doing so.

I commit myself to allow myself to loose (control) within a conversation and to breathe and listen and also listening to myself within the reactions/experiences that are coming up.

I realize that because I am participating in experiences, I am waiting for myself to express myself as while I am in experiences, I am not able to express myself effectively and so, I commit myself to express myself to myself within and as the application of some self-forgiveness for the experiences that I separate myself within from where I create distance within and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for constant attention myself to create a better feeling about myself which I do not show but hide within myself, as a way of controling the situation and being able to ‘play it out’ in a form of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within conversation where I experience an unability to express myself and project this towards the conversationpartner within hidden blame, which in itself makes it more difficult to express myself and where I even do not want to express myself anymore out of blame which is actually a form of revenche, where in I am actually secretely creating an experience of ‘winning’ within myself that I do not openly show and here, I keep control within and as my mind as being ‘the best’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be the best, instead of being and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to be the best to make sense and that it doesn’t matter if I am not here as the best, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that it is about being/becoming the best version of myself and not so much in comparisson to others as it is not possible to be better or less than others because I am not them and they are not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to battle with myself and blame myself when and as I am not living the best version of and as myself, instead of seeing where I can support myself and move and guide myself within the best I can in any given situation/moment that I am capable of at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be better than I am/am capable of from expectations in my own mind to get attention from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will get more attention if I do better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create all kind of expectations towards myself and from here, towards another and judge/blame myself (and/or another) if I and/or another do not live up to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear for my own projected reactions within myself from creating judgements as thoughts as expectations to live up to and from here, creating unnecessary conflict, within and without and then also, when there is a ‘conflict’ necessary to bring change, experience fear as judgement of conflict in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of myself created from my own fear (as thoughts as judgements).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up disappointment within myself that I experience as a ‘hate’ towards myself as accumulated points that I did not take responsibility for which I experience as a sickness in the midst of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself, to not stand within an appointment of equality and oneness within and as myself but allowed myself to go into a battle that I do not even like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like battles and games but do participate in it every day despite myself and/as my integrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my integrity in/as myself by participating in battles and competition in/as the mind, looking for attention as energy.

I realize that I am not able to express myself in certain situations because I participate in judgements as thoughts (=fear) and so in conflict as separation within myself.

I commit myself to be and become aware of the conflict that I participate in within myself within the small conversations with people that I do not generally feel comfortable with to express myself and here give the attention to myself that I need as support and guidance to eventually come to self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my own attention is not enough and that need attention from others outside myself.

When and as I see myself looking for attention to fill myself, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I participate in my mind, looking for something (or someone) to complete me with thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of that I bring myself to a point of nothingness and forgive myself specificely for participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I realize that I have learned to constantly generate energy to ‘fill’ myself with from the participation in thoughts and from here, in feelings and emotions to keep myself alive in/as the mind as how I know myself.

I commit myself to breathe in the experience of loosing (a part of) myself that comes up when I stop myself participating in this ‘looking for attention’ to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself and here, to let go.

To be continued.

I realize that it may look like random self-forgiveness on points that come up that I have manifested as a structure within and as myself and/as my physical body. Here I walk around a point, looking for a ‘way in’ and taking bits and bites from the surface layers here and there to in this way slowly break down the patterns and step by step coming more to the core of it.

Here I do not ‘wait’ until I see ‘the whole thing’ but start with what is coming up and from here, walk with it. This  is what may make the self-forgiveness seem a bit (or a lot) incoherent. What I also notice is that during and after the writing, the patterns open up more while doing the daily activities where I apply self-forgiveness in speaking.

I often come during the writing and speaking (and doing the daily activities here and there in the house in between), to a moment where I ‘suddenly hit’ the point that was bothering me the most at that time, where it releases physically in letting out the emotion via some tears which results at the same time in a diminishment of the physical strain that is prominent in that moment/during that day. Which is a (physical) proof for myself that I brought myself to the release of a small peace of the structure and so, applied myself in self-honesty in relation to (a piece of) this point and structure.

wheredoyoustart

Video 2011: WHERE do I START with Self Forgiveness?

WAAR BEGIN IK met Zelfvergeving? (vertaling)

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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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Uil forgive