Dag 799 – Self-support on the experience of “being tired of everything”

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There is something underneath within me for a long time; an experience of ‘being tired of everything’. I wanted to change it into ‘feeling tired’ but how I experience it is like ‘being tired’. Which I do see as not so favorable because my being is in this as ‘being tired’ and I have developed related physical symptoms so I see it actually becoming a ‘manifestation’.

It is getting less than it was years before, where I almost was consumed by this experience. However I still see, feel and experience it within me, almost as a ‘second skin’ but also as a memory; meaning it is always here and with me.

What I am most tired of and by is of my own physical struggles, cramps, pains, discomforts. Also seeing things that I would like to accomplish but that I then look up to like a mountain, because of the physical labour that needs to be done and especially my own experience of tiredness and discomfort within it or, a fear of this on forehand.

I do experience it within my organs and I have the information (for context read the blog) – via an individualized interview through the portal – that my mind consciousness energy is ‘traveling’ through my organs and not through the muscle energy highways as how is most common. My muscles feel indeed fine and from the perspective of my muscles, I can even look forward to the labour; I like the movements and effect on my muscles. When I look at my organs and especially my large intestine, I feel an incredible tiredness in it from myself and a giving up; like ‘I don’t have it in me anymore, I cannot find the strength within me to push through’.

I am sitting here on the first day of my menstruation, which is something that I am also tired of. I am 45 – almost 46 – and I find it enough.

I still do not know how to ‘relax’ within these organs, mostly my large intestine, ovaries and uterus but also bladder and I feel a sadness on my heart. My liver is still ‘motivated’ and like ‘pushing the others’ to keep going. There is an ongoing tension in it from my own mind consciousness energy as a pressure on my organs.

This is not okay and I would like to change this. I own it to my organs, I own it to myself and so to others as life as well, as I do have a reasonable ‘good life’ so to speak with opportunities that relatively very little people have at the moment here on earth. My organs did adapt to the way my mcs is set up within my physical body, however I find I let too much ‘on them’ to take care of, as if I am not fully here to support and direct myself. I know this is not a job done in a moment. I will open it up with self-forgiveness on the experiences within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on energy instead of on myself and let energy get the best of me within emotions and feelings letting direct myself on a subtle level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my organs do the work, ‘catch me’ in a way to signal me that I am slipping off too much, not catching myself soon enough in the small moments, subtle thoughts and allowing of the lingering in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to linger in the mind even when I notice that I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can give up, that it does make sense to give up, instead of supporting myself in that moment, to stop the lingering within my mind and slow down, to release the energy and look for a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly endowed’ by having this specific set up where my mind consciousness energy moves through my organs instead of my muscles, where in I know and even am aware, that it is a gift in disguise because of my early awareness of my emotions and the effect of it within me however, I still linger in a form of victimization in it that I see now as an excuse for myself to not take the next step in pushing myself towards self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the next step towards self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly judged’ as how I firstly translated ‘wrongly endowed’ for myself; which is so in a way because of me not clearly expressing myself and not having been able to do so in the past, which indeed gives a misjudgement of myself, by myself and by others as well, following that what I express myself in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself in an incomplete way and for this, following up on myself in this incomplete, incompetent way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my incomplete and limited expression gives an incomplete presence of myself in who I potentially am able to be and by bringing it into reality in this way, my environment respons to this in the same incomplete way and so I ‘set up’ myself in a constricted and incomplete reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then manifest this constricted expression and reality into my organs and especially my large intestine who is constricting and wanting to hold on information that is not yet fully expressed as what is best for myself but that I wanted to release already and so, I am creating a conflict within and as myself, reflecting within my organs and visible for myself in my large intestine as an ongoing cramping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to completely and unlimited express myself as what is best for myself (and so in consideration of the effect being best for all).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot find the strength in myself to push through, that I do not have it in me anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in small moments and to not even want to start, at whatever, at very small physical tasks and movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to sit and rest but I do not rest in this, as I even more find ‘rest’ inside in a slow and consistent movement of doing what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ as if I as my being am tired myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have channeled my being into this experience, into all the emotions and feelings to generate an energetic experience, thinking and believing that these experience are ‘making myself feeling alive’ and so loosing myself as life as ‘beingness’ within this, wherein I am not really lost or gone, but more channeled (by myself) within energy and so wasting or ‘burning the best of me’ so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘tired of myself’ in a way as a tiredness of what I am doing to myself and by myself on a daily base.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already want to give up on my self-commitment and experience a fear of ‘not committing’ and so, thinking and believing that I better not write the commitment, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is exactly the lack of expression, the incomplete expression within and as myself as a ‘loop’ where in I hold myself constricted, of not starting because of fearing that I will not commit to my own commitments and so instead ‘committing as a ‘holding on’ to a fear of failure.

As a start for myself for coming week:

When and as I see myself lingering in my mind and thinking about all the things that need to be done, I stop and breath. I realize that I generate energy in this as for example an experience of ‘giving up’ and so weakening my physical body and putting pressure on my organs because of the emotional energy that I generate within this on a subtle level and I realize that I accumulate the experience in all these small moments of lingering. I commit myself to ‘catch’ myself in the small moments of not wanting to pick up on things, to stop, to breathe for a moment and then moving myself in the small physical action that needs to be done and so move myself from action to action and within this, accumulate the physical action and satisfaction within and as myself.

A process of self-expression and physical action to be continued.

desteniartists.blogspots.com

Nice post from Kim about self-support in the small moments.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Dag 630 – The body-being-mind relationship – Physical effect of self-forgiveness

forgive-yourself2

The application of self-forgiveness is a tool to use to delete the emotional, feeling and thought patterns that we have believed, manifested and lived throughout our lives. In this manifesting, we even condition our own physical body to a state that is physically reflecting the believes that we have taken for granted, in/as the mind. So, from here, it is in common sense to see that the application of self-forgiveness can be used as well as a support to release the body from the falty patterns that we have made up in/as the mind throughout our lives and that have been lived throughout generations before us.

I have created consequenses within my own physical body. Here my own body is a point of cross-reference to see if I am effective in the application of self-forgiveness and to see if I am self-honest in it. Meaning: am I really honest about and towards myself in what I have taken for granted and what I have physically manifested, in how I have spoken, lived and behaved in a way that was not best for myself and so not best for all? So being self-honest means basicely: do I dare to see where I have not taken care of myself and/or another and so, created physical consequenses? Do I dare to face myself in this and admit to myself, okay, I did it wrong, I had no respect, let’s see how to bring forward solutions and better myself here. Self-honesty also means to dare to experience the pain that is caused, towards myself and towards another, from myself and/or from another, by living without respect and care. Here it is to be/become aware to not go into judgements again towards myself and/or another of how I/the other ‘did it all wrong’ and manifested consequenses, but rather see how to support myself within the moment, moving through the experiences and taking responsibility for it in/as myself, as well as for the point of control in it. Step by step, day by day.

Yesterday morning I was having difficulties within my large intestine – as many mornings, which means that I am having cramps within the intestine with the result of not being able to have a releasing stool. Throughout the past weeks, there are emotional reactions coming up while I am walking through points coming up that I see related to a manifested concept of ‘love’ as how it is known in this world and to emotional experiences of ‘neediness‘. This morning I decided to lay down with myself and start speaking self-forgiveness out load.

The moment I started speaking, my intestine started to make noises and I felt movements coming up inside and this kept on going while I was speaking the self-forgiveness. While speaking, emotions were coming up that I released within the words and that I released within an expression of crying. I went on with this until I felt as if a burden had gone, a burden that I was carying with me for already longer. How I do this is actually very simple: I lay down and start with what is coming up within me. I place my hands on places in my body/belly that are tensed or hurted, I push a little when necessary, I speak within a self-forgiveness statement what comes up in me and from here, see what further comes up. This can also be a memory that I have created emotional attachements towards. I do not go into ‘analysing’ what comes up in me but simply release myself from what I experience inside myself. I name it, I forgive myself for it and move on to the next. Here I bring the ‘falty patterns’ within a supportive expression for/as myself. I move myself through the emotional experiences while embracing myself in acceptance, towards and within understanding myself.

An hour or something more later, after this session of self-forgiveness I took a second cup of coffee (I have two in the morning) and I was able to go to the toilet again and release myself from the waste. Here I saw the movement direct related to how I released myself from the emotional burdens that I was holding on to within myself. They often say, when the large intestine is having difficulties to release, one is having difficulties to ‘let go’. Well, that I do recognize myself in for sure. However, how am I able to ‘let go’? As simply saying ‘okay, you have to let go’ is not enough, it has to be more practicle.

The application of self-forgiveness is the tool that I find most supportive in ‘letting go’. Self-forgiveness in itself, means ‘letting go’ of what I am holding on to in/as my mind, within thoughts and beliefs, within emotions, within feelings and within holding on to how I have defined myself in these thoughts, beliefs, emotions and feelings in/as my mind. So if we see how much we participate in thoughts, emotions and feelings during a day, during a week, during a lifetime until now, it is to see with common sense that it is not a solution to say ‘oh you are having difficulties with letting go so you have to let go’. This is not giving a specific tool of How to let go. It is not taken the mind consciousness system into consideration and it is not showing an awareness of how we specificely have created ourselves within and as this mind consciousness system; a system that we have accepted and allowed to manifest within and without ourselves. We have accepted and allowed to manipulate Life, within ourselves and without in this world by participating extensively within the mind consciousness system. So much that we even do not see, realize and understand how we did this, how we have accepted and allowed this and how we are responsible for this, within ourselves and without in this world.

So here I am walking through my own manifested consequenses, within my own body that I mainly experience within a disfunctional large intestine and emotional experiences coming up. The sounding of self-forgiveness is having an effect on this disfunctional pattern, the sounding of self-forgiveness is supporting in releasing the disfunctional beliefs and emotional experiences that I have physically manifested. In doing so, it is giving more room to my physical body to function properly.

The disfunctional pattern has manifested throughout the years during my life and so it’s not done in a moment and it is not the whole solution. After the letting go of the old, I have to create a new, healty script and live this script for/as myself and of course the body needs to be supported physically with for example suitable food and additional supplements. It’s an ongoing process of self-support. The application of (sounding) self-forgiveness is definitely a part of this support and it is a practical tool that entails a ‘letting go’.

Are you interested in learning how to use this tool of the application of self-forgiveness? This within the context of finding solutions for all live?

Visit this step by step course, it’s free online and available for everyone who has access to internet and the ability to write online.

self forgiveness

2012: Quantify Process – Speak Self Forgiveness OUT LOUD

Finding Physical Stability through Sounding Self Forgiveness.

Blog serie:

The mind-body relationship – Articulation and twinkling lips

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Proces van zelfverandering:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
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Uil forgive

Dag 589 – The mind-body relationship – The pain of allowance, within and without

remove-the-cords-self-change-deschooling-desteni_thumb

Yesterday evening around 10 pm, a cramping pain came up in the large intestine at the height of the right ovarium. This is a place where from time to time, I experience cramping. It is a cramping that asks all my attention and I need to sit down and look what is going on where the sitting gives some physical support on my lower back (which is comfortable, especially because I am also having my period). In the hours before there did not so much happen, I had written out a time-line within my DIP Pro lesson and I did not experience a particulair emotion. So I started to look back through the day to see if I could find anything related. I do this by focussing on the pain and ‘scroll’ within myself through moments during the day that stood out for me. I also from time to time, lay down on the ground or on the bed and push firm and gentle on the painfull spot to see what emotion is stored here, especially when it is coming up in the morning and I often find it related to ‘sentences’ as assumptions with related emotions that I have stored in the past without being aware of it and/or without willing to be aware of it.

However yesterday night I started with scrolling through the past day. I entered a moment, looked into possible reactions/emotions within myself and see if there is any movement within the specific/painfull area. I entered a conversation that I had with a woman at work that made an impression on me. The woman had been in the store once before for some physical support and she came back for some new products and told me that what we had discussed and that what she took home, was giving the support that was required. She told me that she wanted to ask me a question and that I could decide to answer or not answer. Her question was how many males and females talks to me about sexual abuse and how much this subject is, from my perspective, ‘in the open’ so to speak. She shared that she was writing a book about the subject of sexual abuse and she mentioned some numbers that were very high and that The Netherlands is one of the countries where it takes place very often. She mentioned how investigations gave numbers of relations between for example intestine-problems and sexual abuse and between crimes and sexual abuse, meaning that from 70% of the intestine-problems and from the crimes that took place, there was sexual abuse involved where in females tend to manifest this more intern (physical) as problems and where males tend to manifest it more extern as problems as ‘crimes’.

I was deeply touched by what she mentioned, also in relation to the amount of males that are subject of sexual abuse, used as a way to control, for example in war-area’s and how they rarely speak about it because ‘they should be the ones that are protecting the family’.

A few months ago, I noticed a similar physical reaction within myself, related to facing the abuse in the world in/as a ‘wake-up moment’ and suppressing my reaction on this as supressing/hiding the reaction of pain for what is happening in this physical world and I experience this suppression as cramping inside the lower area’s of the large intestine where I can hardly stand anymore, I need to sit or lay down and support myself to release the pain.

This previous event was related to animal-abuse and happened while I was listening/realising how the chickens that everyone is eating on a daily base, are treatened and prepared. As soon as I allow myself to face the abuse in the world and allow myself to experience the related emotional pain, the physical pain releases. Actually in this moment, I stop the separation here within and as myself – the separation from my emotional reaction on the abuse in and as this world – and as soon as I stop suppressing my emotional reaction and instead, start taking responsibility for my reaction in and as the application/living of self-forgiveness, I stop the abuse on myself/my physical body. This was also yesterday evening. I look, I see, I allow myself to experience the emotional pain and if necessary, speak out self-forgiveness until it is releasing and/or to find where the pain is related to.

There was also a personal aspect related to the mentioning of the relationship between sexual abuse and intestine-problems. It was a realization inside myself as ‘you see, it is indeed related’. In my life, there has not been taken place some actual physical sexual abuse, however at a young age there were incidents from sexual intimidation within for my experience an ‘innocent relationship’, where the incidents have been of great influence on my behaviour and general expression. It was all so very subtile that it is easily to be surpressed and ‘swept’ away as ‘of not so much importance’ and at the same time I am/was every moment aware of the influence that I allowed it to have on me, in almost every aspect of myself. Lately I am facing more of the incidents/events as memories and within this seeing how and where to take responsibility for myself in it and stop defining myself as how I reacted within this events which I developped into a personality.

The realization gave a release of the guilt that I experienced with regards to my physical conditions as having a sensitive digestion and spastic colon, as if ‘everything was my own fault’ in this. It is not ‘my fault’ but it is indeed and only my responsibility to take care of myself within this condition as my physical body that I live in. I am the only one who is responsible for myself and/as my mind in and as my physical body, as I am the only one who can see how I created all the relationships within and as myself, from and as memories as events during my life and although there is DNA involved and preprogramming, it is still the mind that I allowed to evolve in and as myself and the body that I live in and that is my responsibility; only I live day and night with and as myself, in and as my physical body that I can call ‘mine’ in a way, so it is my responsibility to take care of, in and as myself (where we should take into consideration how everyone and everything is of influence on each other in this physical existance and how easily this physical existance can be harmed).

There are many dimensions involved here where in the suppression of emotional reactions do have an influence on my physical body, that I have allowed myself many times throughout my live, if I take in consideration the condition of a the spastic colon that I have allowed/created to exist in and as myself. Central in this, is the acceptance and allowance of the emotional reactions as self-abuse, as reactions on abuse that is happening ‘to me’ and/or that is happening in this world and from here, suppressing it within my physical body where I try to separate myself from the experiences that gives and showes the pain and abuse. Which is actually a form of denial. Because, “Once you’ve Allowed Abuse, you’ll become Abuser”.

(Source: Interviews from the Farm 60: Candida and Self abuse)

The pain and abuse that we accept and allow within this existence, we can not deny and hide from it; it is here within ourselves, within and as our physical bodies.

Accept and Allow – Contract with Death: Day 22

Accepteren en Toestaan – Het Contract met de Dood: Dag 22 (vertaling)

desteni-i-process

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
https://www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
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Proces van relatie naar agreement:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 411 – Speaking myself through the top of a headache and see further

female symbol

Some days ago I started to see how within the whole condition of my intestines there are related emotions towards an experience of inferiority of myself as a female towards males. It was still vague and very deep located in the body, and I was somehow aware of this always, but is was also always ‘there’ so to speak, so at the same time, I was not really aware of it that one of the dimensions of the tense in my intestine is related to this experience.

I spoke quite a lot of self-forgivenesses through the day and the point started to move, and I also felt it related to the liverfunction, as some kind of emotional suppression within myself which gives my liver a difficult time to do it’s job properly ( in energetic test-results it shows often that the liver need some support in the function of detoxification). However I felt I did not really move through. At night I had a chat with my buddy, and we discussed the point. She gave me some blogs of her where she had written out a similar point some time ago.

Today my period started and I woke up with a slight headache on the background; I have this more often right before and/or at the beginning of the period; even so had my mother, it was actually the only thing that she complained about from what I remember as a child, and when here periods stopped because of the menopause, she has very seldom headaches anymore. This specific headache is started within the muscles on top of my shoulder (muscules trapezius), goes to the occiput-bones, and is also connected to some points within my large intestine where cramps are located. From what I understood from a tradionional chinese medicin practiser and also feel within my own body, is that the points are all located on the liver-meridian.

If I moved slowly and focus on relaxing my shoulders and stopping the thinking every time, the headache was ‘bearable’, and I did my daily tasks in a slow way. I had a chat with Larry and I discussed some of this point with him, and still felt in this how I was not really able to move and express within this point, and actually felt myself sitting back within this experience of inferiority as a female towards a male (which is not an experience that I have particulair towards him, it is more general existing on the background within myself, which gives a sense of ‘control’ in the communication with a male).

So afterwards, I decided to read the blogs that my buddy send me. I read them out loud and in between I added self-forgiveness on the points I saw coming up within me, related to this point. Halfway the speaking of the blogs, the area in and around my intestines became warm, emotions came up, and I could speak myself through the top of the headache while speaking the self-forgiveness. I saw why it was not something that I could write myself easily, as it where points coming up that I had not really lived myself but more points that I was actually ‘holding myself back from’, as it are points that I had seen my mother participating in quite extremely, not so much in angryness as well in a direct giving up on herself on forehand, before even speaking to the male, in and as a starting point of ‘not being listened to’, and vice versa, my father was not an ‘angry’ person at all, but could have a particular stubborn way of expressing and/or actually not expressing. So most of these signs took more place in a ‘not expressing’ rather than in expressing through angryness and other emotional voiced words.

And for myself, I tried to keep myself away as much as possible from this ‘behaviour’ coming forward out of an experience of inferiority and ‘not being listened to’,  where in I do become angry when this experience is triggered, and so in reality keeping this meant that i tried to keep  myself away from a relationship with a male that really had a chance to succeed.

I will keep on investigating this point as this is only opening up, and share some more about it if and when a point comes up that I need to write out more specificly. So far this is a moment of witnessing for myself of how to speak myself through (the top of) a physical point with the speaking and reading out load of self-forgiveness which gives relieve of the physical pain/discomfort and support to let go the stored emotional energetic experience that gives the pain and discomfort. it is also a witnesssing of how blogs from others can assist and support in walking through points inside ourselves within sounding the self-forgiveness out loud for and within ourselves, even though the words might be slightly ‘personally different’ placed; the construct is basicly the same as a construct of the experience of female-inferiority against male-superiority which is widely lived, played out, constructed and build up within and as the mind-consciousness-system within and so in and as this world-system without.

Related blogs that I read out load:

Who I am in Relation to MEN as Patriarchs: DAY 130

Why Women Use Emotional Manipulation: DAY 131

Why Women become Submissive in Discussions with Males: DAY 132

Some self-forgiveness on the most prominent points coming up within and as my own memories related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so powerless when and as I see my mother going into in what I perceive as a submissive attitude before she even started to speak about something with my father, and within this, starting to reject my mother in and as this behaviour, as I did not want to have something to do with what I saw and felt so powerless in, and so trying in and as rejecting, to keep myself away from this submission towards the male, in and as a belief that if I keep myself seperated from it, it could not really effect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel really compassion for my mother in and this behaviour as what I saw as so hopeless unable to express herself and stand up, which is a feeling that I did not allow myself to really feel and stand up in, because I myself did not know how to express myself and stand up, and so, I rejected her and within this, seperated myself from this experience of hopelessness and desperation in and as belief in the incapability of expressing self and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and so perceive myself as incapable of really directing myself in and as self-expression, while at the same time, I know and am aware of my capability to stand up in this, which gives and has given a friction and conflict within myself for so long, seperated in a vision of myself which is not compatible with how I am living myself within reality every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopelessly sad and suppressed when I see my father as what I perceive as ‘stuck within himself, not being able to express himself’, while I see as what I interpreted as the friction, stuckness and disempowerment on his face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck inside myself when and as I am not able to express myself looking at my father, which gives an experience of friction, stuckness and disempowerment within myself from which I believe I am not allowed to stand up in, because when I do stand up in this, I leave my father alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for the experience that I perceived within my father but actually was experiencing within myself, of feeling stuck, frictioned and disempowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze inside whenever I hear the subtile manipulations and little nasty tonations and words between my parents which are build up inside and so find a way out, because of this incapability of open and frank self-expression with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply and endless sad because of an experience of being caught within this pattern between my parents, feeling unable to change anything within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted so badly that my parents had a ‘happy and open’ marriage and if this was not possible, that they then better could have a divorce so that this pattern could be broken through and that I did no longer need to sit in between.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a divorce as the only option as solution for the problem to open up the situation in and as communication, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived myself the ‘solution of leaving a relationship’ as the only way that I saw to solve the problem as opening up the situation, experienceing myself as unable to stay and open up myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I am better of alone’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself caught in between my parents where in it even looks like that I enlarge the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I enlarge the pattern between my parents, and within this, make myself, in and as this believe, responsible for their incapability to communicate effectively together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and feel myself responsible for what I see as their incapability to communicate effectively with each other, but when I asked my mother sometimes about it, she denied everything and said she had no problems at all with it, while at the same, in the rare moments that my father expressed himself openly in his dissatisfaction and disappointment about things in his life, first thing that my mother said was ‘don’t be so negative’, and so, the communication was suppressed immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the communication with my mother by acting like ‘I am fine’ and by not really listening and or waving away her expression when she did express her dissatisfaction about little things in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to touch my fathers protectionmechanism as for me it feels like so much accumulation that it is almost imbearable and so, I should tiptoe around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I perceive as the imbearable load of what my father is suppressing inside himself as emotions and feelings and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself the imbearable load of what I am suppressing inside myself as emotions and feelings, instead of seeing, realising, and understanding how only the suppressing and accumulation makes it unbearable as being ‘too much’, while walking it through one by one, it becomes something that I am able to do and actually that everyone is/will be able to do if the tools of how to do this are provided.

*

Next day my shoulders and neck feel like ‘having more space’ to move around, the headache is still gone, and also the few hours of menstruationpain in the belly that I often have at start, did not come up this month. The tension and delay in the large intestine is still here although there is a layer on top opening up a bit, which is a point I will keep on investigating for and within myself, layer after layer.

After finishing this blog, a very intense cramping pain is coming up inside my intestine, so I lay down on the floor, push soft but constant on the pain-point, hold my legs against me to come deeper within my body and start investigating and applying self-forgiveness untill the cramp relieves, push through when the pain is unbearable, push and stay, push and stay, not giving up this time, because as Bernard says, when you cannot have it anymore, you have to push through, and so I do, it must be here, if there is a pain, there is something suppressed; until I see something of myself as who I am and within this, the cramping gives in, starts moving and releasing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in a moment of revenge (from with I do not have a direct memory, I can only see the direction within the experience which is from a very young age) choose between my father and mother, and within this, play them out against each other in and as my mind,  where in I try to hold on to my father and push anway my mother, but my father is gone, he is not here and because I have already choosen, I cannot go back, and so I have to protect myself in and as this ‘choice between’, caught within polarity in and as the mind, welcome to the evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have made ‘the wrong choice’, where in I perceive, think and believe that I cannot go back, I don’t know how to go back, and so I keep on following this pattern my whole life, playing it out within relationships where in I every time again ‘choose’ for the male who is unavailable, ‘not here’ and leave the male who is staying next to me no matter what, where in I end up alone and within this creating an experience of eternal sadness – which I know now, is generating energy within myself – and for a long time blaming my mother for the whole set up within myself, because she is the only one that is still here and involved in it within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret to not really see how my mother was always standing with me – with her ‘faults’ of course but she was here – because I turned away from her, looking for the one that was missing, believing that he must be somewhere, I felt ‘this love’ inside, I know ‘he loves me’, so where is he?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand where he is and why he is not coming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not finding him, for pushing him/my father away, and so she has to ‘pay for it’, and so I push her away, even so as I blamed her for doing this – an eye for an eye – within and as my perceive and believe that she ‘did this to me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand and believe that I did this to me, to my father and my mother in and as my mind; that I trapped myself within this fall, the fall of the mind in and as an eternal revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away in and as a moment of scare within myself for myself as who I am in and as revenge, in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to my father in an undefined moment with my mother that I felt threathened by her, but he is not here, I cannot find him and so I have nowhere to go but to go into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that leaving brings a solution as safety, instead of seeing, realising and understanding, that within leaving, going into and as the mind, I make myself vulnerable for every manipulation in, as and of the mind and ‘loose my safety’ as being here, equal and one with and as the physical at the moment that I choose to leave where at the same time, from now on I need to ‘protect’ myself as who I am in and as this decision of leaving as what is not best for all, so I need to ‘keep on leaving’ to keep the pattern alive as protectionmechanism from seeing myself in the face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay in and as the experience of fear of lost, because I choose to leave and lost myself within this in and as the physical within this one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive my father on forehand for everything and to blame my mother on forehand for everything and within this, giving my self-directivess away, creating separation and conflict within and without myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep looking for love outside myself that I perceived I lost once while searching for my father ‘to protect me’, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that it was an experience inside myself, reflecting with and as my father, and so looking outside myself is only seperating myself in and as projection on another human being, even if it happens as a very young child with my father, the principle is the same.

I commit myself to forgive myself the layers upon layers that I created within myself after taking my breath away, and correct myself evenso in and as stopping the revenge in the moment when it comes up, perhaps suppressed in and as a physical pain, investigating and forgiving it specific, until and where in I, slowly but surely, stand up, equal to who I am as the mind, to enable myself to become equal to and one with and as life in and as the physical as what is best for all as life.

I commit myself to stop leaving, to stay here and sort out myself.

To be continued within myself as the pain is moving and opening up a little.

Thank you.

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Male Ego

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Female Ego

enjoying the day

Desteni-I-Process-Lite

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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Equal Life Foundation:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 296 – Expressie en de Darm – How do I contribute to the most horrific events in the world

Dag 292 – Expressie en de Darm – Decision Making, Free Choice and Money

Dag 294 – Expressie en de Darm – Judgements on Living Alone

Dag 295 – Expressie en de Darm – Money, Survival and Limitation

Picture of a mask

Mannelijk bekken

Picture of a (male) pelvis

I was watching the documentary of a Dutch woman Toos who is used and abused extensively for sexual rituals where in high members of royalty and church are named as involved.

It is a horrific story, and at the same time she is telling nothing new. What happened to her is what I always experience somewhere on the background as the greatest nightmare that could ever happen to me and every human being and so within this a great fear. So she named all the events one by one, that all are build up from physical torturing and sexual abuse from top till toe, where no respect is left. It is a complete abuse of the physical and of the being.

Now how can I be scared for this and how can I recognize everything she is telling? I have not been in situations like this, I have not seen movies about it, actually I didnot even now from direct stories that this is existing. And still, this fear and this experience of total abuse from top till toe is part of me as long as I remember.

Let’s say that from an age of around 6, maybe earlier but not younger than 4, I experience myself somewhere like this. And since watching the documentary I am wondering, isn’t this all triggered because of starting masturbating. Isn’t this the unconsiousness system that is starting loading all this information while masturbating?

I am consious that I have seperated myself from the unconsiousness awareness. As this is something that I donot want to involve with, that I donot want to belong to. Not realising how I probably have activated this all by myself, within an experience of an orgasm that I liked, and that I repeated in my life. Not extensively, but enough to get involved.

I always have accounted this experience to something ouside myself, as there was something outside myself that had abused me (even though I didnot find anything for real, as there have been taken place some abusive events but not so extensively and not really physical; most took place within words or within the lack of words – which is also physical). So I could not find something that is so extensively. However, I didnot consider how I involved myself within this experience, and within this, abuse myself as a being from top till toe, in starting participating in and energetic sexual experience in/as the mind.

I donot say that events in childhood do not have influence on this experience, I only say that I didnot consider my own participation within the unified consiousness field in/as unconsiousness by starting masturbating and uploading energy and information from the unconsiousness of humanity as a whole, and so distributing to this unified field by generating energy within masturbating. And so creating and accumulating thus enlarging my own experience of fear, which is actually my own mind system in/as fear as the mind exist in/as fear. Not knowing how I, witin this, contribute to the situation of this woman Toos, which has lived for 8 years in the most horrific shadow side of the unified consiousness system of humanity, where this total abuse and torturing that we cannot even imagine – and at the same time all do imagine – is physically taking place.

This whole unified consiousness system is interconnected very specific and complicated and this is only one insight form myself, where in I start taking self responsibility for my contribution to the dark side of humanity that physical takes place, although it is ignored and denied by most humans in daily life.

It is also connected to the elite in this world – people in control with money – which has a direct connection to the control that take place and that we as humanity as a whole allow and accept to exist. This control is direct visible in the inequality in this world as the unequal distribution of money and within this the unequal distribution of life-circumstances as food, water, house and education. Which we all take for granted, as this is how it is, without ever really investigating how this horrible events and situations could ever have manifested in this world. Because if we start really investigating the source of the abusive world where we live in, we come to the final point which is the source as the startingpoint of this horror story that we live in, which is:

Ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the most horrific events of sexual abuse and physical torturing and humiliation that we can imagine – and we all know how bad our stories in our imaginantion are – by participating in an activity of energetic masturbation, in which I only experienced a feeling that I liked, and so which I wanted to repeat, without knowing and being aware of the energetic contribution that took place within this to upload the unified consiousness field and within this to the systems of control within this field; without noticing that I was oploading my own consiousness field within this activity of masturbation, loading information that we cannot even imagine but that we do imagine every day,  and accumulating and enlarging my own experience and existence in/as fear in/as the mind as consiousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a source outside myself was the cause of my experience of extreme fear for this ‘dark energy’ – like I am hunted by something – without seeing, realising and understanding that the source and cause is manifested within myself and accumulated and enlarged by an activity of energetic masturbation that I found out by coincidence and that I experienced as a nice feeling that I wanted to repeat, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat and upload this energetic system within and without myself in/as the mind as the unified consiousness field existing in this world in/as humanity as a whole, where this hunting by the dark side of humanity take place in physical reality within secret parties where they play a game of hunting naked children in the dark as a form of play of sexual abuse and physical torturing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel loaded with this heavyness of/and fear all the time, my whole life at the background, without being able to relate this experience to the physical reality that I live in as this is a pretty stable physical reality from birth till now, and so I am confused by my own experiences of heavyness and fear and searching for causes outside myself and blaming every tiny little thing outside myself which I can find that maybe contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within blaming, I myself contribute to this experience of heavyness and fear within myself and keep myself locked within this experience in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear for sexuality as long as I remember, as within sexuality, this experience of this ‘dark energy’ in/as fear, can be triggered and come over me suddenly, where in I devellopped a way to be able to have and really like sexual avtivity, which is when I am excited and so actually participating within this energy, and so experiencing the ‘light’ of this energy as the polarity of the dark side, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within this participating in/as excitement in/as a positive ‘light’ experience of this sexual energy, I automaticly enlarge and reload the ‘dark side’ of this energy and so I enlarge and reload the energy systems in/as the unified consiousness field in/as the mind in/as humanity as a whole, and so I contribute to the state of the horrific situations that many children are secretely involved in within sexual abuse and physical torturing, and at the same time, I enlarge and reload my own experience of fear within sexuality, which again I tend to suppress within a feeling of excitement, which I am aware of and that I no longer can and will allow that myself, and so I experience myself a kind of stuck within and as fear for sexuality and within this, fear for relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from humanity as a whole by ignoring, denying, neglecting and suppressing the unconsiousness system within myself, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from myself in/as consiousness, hiding in positivity, in which I allow and accept myself to be unable to change myself in/as self-responsibility for myself as a whole.

When and as I see and experience some dark energy as fear within and as me, I stop, I breathe. I bring myself back here in the physical through breathing and touching some physical attributes.

I realize that I experience something within myself that is part of me as consiousness system in/as fear that is triggered somewhere within myself which probably is related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to investigate what triggers me to this experience of dark energy in/as fear as the dark side of humanity, related to sexual energy.

I commit myself to stop participating in energetic sexual experiences – which I already stopped for longer time, but from which I still didnot see the real harm that it can cause, and so, I was not completely motivated to stop it in totality, which gives situations of where I could sometimes see participating in this energy ‘through the fingers’, which is actually keeping a backdoor on a narrow opening to eventual be able to participate in positive sexual energetic experiences.

I commit myself to investigate the dutch and family origin, existing within and as myself,  related to this experience of dark energy, in which rigid religic patterns play a large role, to see how this is related to (suppressed) sexual energy and to suppressing physicallity in/as sexuality as a whole.

I commit myself to investigate how the experience of complete abuse from top till toe is created and manifested within myself, which is the relation to the topic of all this blogs that I write with the frontname ‘Expressie en de Darm/Expression and the Intestine’, as this experience of complete abuse from top till toe, I experience physically within the anus and within the muscles of the large intenstine as cramping and irritation, where in I lost my ‘innocence of being’ through the decision of participating in and as energy in/as the mind as consiousness system in a moment that I donot remember by consiousness, but that is of influence on me and humanity as whole, every moment, every day, and only by taking complete self-responsibility for myself within this, I will be able to eventual stand up in/as a human being in/as innocense as life – where in I write eventual as I am not sure if I will be able to recreate a complete healthy functioning physical body as time is limited, but where in I commit myself to walk process till this is done as this is what is best for humanity, for them who are coming and for Life on Earth as a whole, and so within this for myself as a human being.

De serie Expressie en de Darm begint bij Dag 232  – (inclusief Disclaimer)

Investigate:

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series

Full_shocking-secrets-of-masturbation-introduction

What is Sex – OverView

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Proces van zelfverandering:
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
www.eqafe.com
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/