Dag 814 – Discovering self-will

I was looking at a point within me that I reacted within and at how to direct myself in it; or actually I was feeling quite desperate in how to direct myself in it. So I was in some kind of turmoil with back-chat coming up, me observing the inner movements for a moment.

At some point I asked myself the question: “Who do I want to be? (in it all)”.

This calmed me down and a clear answer came up within me of who I want to be within this specific point, as well inside myself as living it in my outside world. What I did see is that I never really asked myself the question in this way. It was mostly coming up as ‘what is best to do’ or ‘what should I do’ and I did see within this a ‘must’ or ‘should’ existing without considering my own self-will. Who do I want to be?

I was reading a blog afterwards from Carlton; he has these flowing blogs full of common sense, it reminds me of a very well speaking priest but then with words taken back to self – anyway, one sentence I laid my eye on: (…) if self-will is lost so is our will to live (because we’ve become so depressed about the way we feel) (…).

That did make sense to me and I see this as the missing within myself, my self-will being lost; actually if I am looking in my own writing here above, describing how this ‘who do I want to be’ first time coming up within me within awareness – actually never considering my self-will but considering so much other factors as the leading example of who I should be, what I must do, what is best etc. Here I did see my ‘will to live’ being lost – not giving into this and keeping on searching for ‘that more’, which eventually lead me to Desteni – however I did not yet before connect this to the lost of self-will.

Here to take into consideration that with self-will, I really mean SELF-will and not a mind-desire that I have channeled myself into as the leading factor. This immediately shows actually why and how it is that I lost my self-will, I lost myself within somewhere, somehow and channeled myself into many dimensions in/as my own mind consciousness system. It takes time to unravel all of it and discover my Self and Self-will.

With ‘I don’t want that’ I certainly do not mean the same as ‘I don’t feel like it’ – where the last is often used as an excuse to not do something that we experience resistance towards. As long as there are emotions and/or feelings involved and resistance is experienced, it is actually ‘the place where we must be’ and will ourselves towards the self-willed movement.

You will will yourself” is one of Bernards quote’s I remember clearly. As moving into and as what is best for all will not come ‘naturally’ and so I need to will myself first and foremost to this point of self-will. Where the self and the will comes together with all the ‘selves’ in a way, as the life existing within each and every living being. If I do what is best for mySelf as Life, I do what is best for All Life. It’s One and Equal. That’s how I see it. I knew this in theory from the beginning of walking Desteni I Process, however being able to see it within and as myself takes time. I keep repeating this with every self-integration of a living principle that I write about, as I find this a very important difference. I start with something, somewhere that makes sense to me (often gathering the knowledge and information) and then I investigate it until I can see, word and live it one and equal, within and without. or even vice versa like I sense something within me that I can not yet explain and then with gathering the knowledge and information I can integrate it as some effective self-support. With Many phases here within.

These are only a few examples of the layers that I find within the words will, want and self-will. It is actually the same as with the layering of self-forgiveness that I do see deepening in understanding through time. I started with (8 years ago) really unraveling the format ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to’ where I was looking at ‘who is forgiving who?’ and investigating this until I did become more familiair with it. However also this morning a deeper dimension opened up – after opening up the self-will – of the application of self-forgiveness. Every time a little bit closer to self and self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my self-will in what I want and how can I consider another if I not even consider myself truly and deeply?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to look at the dark dimensions within me and so not coming to a real deep self-forgiveness and so not coming to self and self-will in who I really want to be within it all, considering it all within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself away from new perspectives and real consideration in and as self-will, by suppressing the dark side of the the moon so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that without the dark side of the moon, there is no full moon possible either as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to consider what another want without considering what I want in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself from ‘I should and I must’ instead of from ‘I will’ – here not to mean that I have something against the words ‘must and should’ as many thing do need to happen, if we want it or not, however I tend to use ‘I should and must’ as a replacement of ‘I will’ and so I never reach my self-will as long as I should and must from myself, where at the same time I become very exhausted from the force in should and must.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very exhausted from what I must and should, without reaching my will in and as self, where in I do sense myself and my will, however I keep circling around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to circle around my self-will by avoiding the deep dark nasty things, not wanting to admit this to myself, thinking and believing that, feeling like ‘I do not have a right to exist anymore if I admit this to myself’ when actually it is the opposite and as long as I do not admit the dark within and as myself in it’s existence, this ‘I do not have a right to exist’ is what keeps moving me on deeper levels and so, I keep forcing myself in ‘I should and I must’ because I already ‘do not have a right to exist’ and so, I most ‘prove’ in a way that I am ‘exist-worth’.

I commit myself to consider, embrace, open up and self-forgive the dark side within and as myself, to while ongoing and eventually coming, to a point of self-attention, self-compassion and self-warmth, in who I am and where I am in my process and location-point in and towards self-responsibility, where from here, I will be much more willing and able to share this as myself with another and approaching another within and as the self as who they are and where they are in their process and location-point, considering me and them and us as a whole, in kindness and softness, yet firm and clear in what I accept and allow (Dutch) and what not, as who I want to be and become in every moment of breath.

Here my own self-commitment affects me, ‘using the words to work for me’ in what is possible – as another supportive suggestion from Bernard about how to write the self-commitments: let the words work for you.


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 761 – Opening up the word ‘waiting’

From what I have understood from a horoscope that has been made of my birthdate years ago and what I have kept with me, is that there is a theme within the familyline, within my grandparents marriage, that played a role with them and that plays a role within me as well. This is about the balance between voicing myself within a partnershap – where I tend to do this too little – and voicing myself in a work environment, where I tend to ‘speak up’ too strongly.

It is not so that I take a horoscope as an absolute guideline, but what I find interesting in it is that a theme like this, can be used as a point that needs my attention and understanding to resolve within and as myself.

Related to this, I remember my grandmother mentioning more than once the words ‘well, then we keep on waiting again’ (‘dan gaan we maar weer wachten’ <Dutch>) where this was related to something in her marriage where she more or less needed to wait untill her husband gave ‘green sign’ for something so to speak.

This brings me to the point of how I am living the word waiting within a relationship. I do not like to ‘wait’ with bringing up something, I actually want to immediately speak about an issue that gives some friction and I experience a lot of impatience within me when a partner is not willing or ready to open up on something. This is mainly because I then have already resolved the point within myself and then ‘I am ready’ to speak about it. Where I also remember that in the year before my start of walking the Desteni I Process, I was many times not ready to open up and let go of some beliefs and related feelings or unresolved emotions. It basicely ‘hurted’ too much to speak about it with common sense and I needed time to firstly embrace and process the related experiences. So what I see already is that, when and as I am in an experience, I am not so much willing to open up either.

It is more that an experience of fear that is coming up when I do not have the information of what is going on within another close to me and what the consequences are of this. Basicely I fear to ‘loose the relationship’, where my impatience is then based on a point of self-interest and so I am not really standing in understanding and support for another unconditionally; something that I am very well able to if the other is not so much ‘close’ related to me and my daily life.

Let’s start with self-forgiveness on experiences coming up here within me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like dying and feeling this physically at the height of both the upper corners of my large intestine and feeling like it is too much, like I cannot handle this or accept this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up completely in this experience of it ‘being too much’ where in I then conclude that I have given up on myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on cycling in drama of the experience or idea of giving up on myself completely, as if I can never fix this again or as if I can never forgive myself in this because I actually do not exactly see how I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself a victim of the experience or idea of giving up on myself, where in I do not see where this starts as why I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep searching for the reason of giving up on myself and the experience of dying, instead of voicing myself out of it and moving myself foreward to what I see that is best to do, no matter how I feel or where I come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my emotions as a reason or excuse to not move myself forward, where in I am locking myself in, in an experience of despair of not getting out of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel through and through victimized in this point of ‘waiting’ within and as myself.

What I see here is that I have strengthened a main-system within myself through spiraling down in emotions where in I lock myself in, within secrecy actually, as a hidden and locked system within and as myself where there seems no way out.

What I also realize is that being open and vulnerable is a solution to work with and something that can be practised in a partnership, but actually in any relationship or situation that I am in – according to what the situation and/or relationship allows in that moment as I cannot now blund jump in and ‘be open and vulnerable’ where ever I am. This needs to be approached within alignment and common sense. However, Life is open and vulnerable and living these words can be of support to move myself out of the comfortzone of ‘how I feel’ or out of a general experience of ‘waiting’ for a ‘confirmation’ before I move myself or voice myself. I see it is more a decision of moving myself into the direction that I see required and from a point of self-trust to do so, as the only way actually to establish the self-trust as well.

To be continued.

Here are some blogs to be found that describe the encryption if systems from Creation’s Journey to Life and a paragraph out of it that we are actually walking now in real time in this physical existence:

(…)

So, back to the Encryption point: so as we take down these Encryptions and we have already taken down virtually all of the Encryptions of the Interdimensions, of Multi-Universes of…you cannot even begin to Comprehend, from a Human perspective, what has actually existed. 
So, for some years now we are busy with the Physical Encryption. A little bit more difficult, because – you have to take down the Complete Program, Decode the Encryption; and – these Programs are Programmed to Activate similarly, to say, the Seed of a Plant. The Seed of a Plant requires a certain amount of Rain, a certain amount of Heat, a certain type of Environment before it Activates and it Grows. 
The System is Designed like a Plant. It requires a Very Specific Environment before it Activate. So, before we can Find the System, because it’s hidden into uncountable Dimensions – we have to first Create the Environment within which the System Activates. And when the System Activates – we can find the bloody thing. When we find the bloody thing, then we can deal with it, Decrypt it, take it out. And then – we have to take it out in the Physical, because it is a Physical System that is Creating Control within the Physical. And as you’ve Noticed, that stuff is like Really Effective. 

Taking out a System in the Physical, is like walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. It is absolutely Hell, because – the Physical Body Believe itself to be the System. So, you have to get it to See, and Realize that it is Not and that it can be something else, because it’s Complete Image and Likeness, it is the Physical. And then, you have to take it out – and its got to then Willingly Release the System and itself from the Ideas and the Ideologies that the System Represents…and only then, can the System be Removed. 

How long will this take us? We don’t know. We are working as fast as possible, as fast as the Physical can Recuperate. Because, after every event – the Physical needs to Repair itself. 

So, this is very fascinating stuff – we are Moving and Removing this. And eventually, it will Assist in allowing the Human to See what they have allowed. So slowly but surely, like pulling hens teeth, we are Moving, little step at a time, baby steps at a time, Forward. 

From: Creation’s Journey to Life: 301: The Encryption of Systems (Part Two)


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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 755 – Hidden expectations

I was reading the blog of Creation’s Journey to Life called ‘Relationship-Agreements and the Cutting Edge of Time’ that passed by on my facebook and after this, I could come to an insight on something that I am already longer looking at within myself.

The blog is about relationships and how we in this, come to the challenge of facing ourselves on a difficult point of what we expect within this relationship from another and that then is not going in a way we ‘had in mind’ as a picture, as something that is fulfilling our desires – within the blog this is explained as our masturbation secret life (read the blog for context).

It is easy to see this in situations from others and that that are directly related to sexual/physical intimicy and expectations within this. However, I was now looking within myself and asking myself, where am I doing this; where do I live within an expectation to fulfill my ‘masturbation secret life’? As I do not have pictures within myself while masturbating for example and only had a few in the past that I stopped participating in for many years.

Then in a moment I saw how I am living within an expectation of a relationship in general that eventually lead to ‘me having a good feeling’ or ‘me being comfortable’ or ‘me not experiencing any fear or conflict’ and that then actually will lead to….the possibility to fastly and easily come to a sexual/physical intimicy – and so it is actually and definitely related to the fulfilment of my ‘masturbation secret life’.

My expectation is thus not directly related to sexual/physical intimicy but more to how a communication and interaction should take place as for example ‘without any conflict’ and within the expectation that both should be able to directly and self-honestly look into patterns and programmings or tonations and reactions coming up, without projecting and blaming this onto/towards another. Haha wow, that is some expectation.

And the ‘best part’ of it, is that I used this as if I can expect this because in the end, ‘this is what is best for all’. This is a beautiful example of how I in/as the mind (and so many of us) have the tendency to use principles that are best for all, as an excuse to protect a point of self-interest and so, not standing within the principle of equality and oneness, which in this case means that I see where I and another; where we are within our process, so self-honestly see into what my and another’s location-point is and from here, stand equal and one within understanding and forgiveness, towards self and another within and as this location-point.

I did see consciously and within knowledge and information that this is not a realistic expectation, due to where we are in our process and I was in conflict with and within myself and in my relationship as well. It felt more or less like ‘being stuck’ within this conflictual inner expectations, that then are leading to experiences of desperation and wanting to give up.

My buddy had mentioned once, already months ago, that I should accept another/a parner at where he is (and so me also in where I am within walking a relationship-agreement), otherwise I would start resisting another/him (and so parts of myself). In that moment I knew that something of value is being said that I needed to integrate within/as myself, otherwise I would indeed going into a (suppressed/hidden) resistance towards another. However I could not really see where I was fueling this resistance within myself on a subtile level.

I now did see how I had challenged this point in my partner (not because I wanted ‘to challenge him’ but because I challenged myself to stand up in a point for myself, which then equally resulted in a challenging point for the ‘sparring-partner’) which had given reactions and I was ‘reacting to this reactions’ within myself.

After reading the above mentioned blog, I was able to define what had happened in this challenge and now also understood much better what a huge challenge it actually was and is to face and walk through. So because I now can define it as a general point that we all will face within a relationship, I am able to challenge myself to look into this for myself as well and here I find my own point of my ‘masturabtion secret life’. That of course, is already for so much longer existing within myself and bothering me and  I could not come into peace with it because, I did not firstly define it for what it is that I am dealing with.

This is now the moment of realization and from here it is the challenge to bring it into practical living. I use the word ‘challenge’ a lot here, which is quite cool as I also started to open up this word for myself as how I started to describe in a previous blog and I hear it coming back in interviews as well.

After walking this years of process of the writing and speaking of self-forgiveness, the beauty of it comes through in moments like this, where a whole point can open up in one moment, within a self-understanding and then understanding of others involved as well. The situation is then understood (and so forgiven) for/as myself as another and so I would say, I am ready to walk this point into a more effective way of living and interaction, for myself and others as well. Let’s see how I do from here!


Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 536 – Een transitiefase

Ik loop de laatste weken een beetje te rommelen met het blog schrijven. Ik heb vaak andere dingen die eerst geschreven moeten worden, onder andere werk gerelateerd. Hierbij de vaste taken zoals email, buddy en DIP en dan komt het blog schrijven. Ik merk een vermoeidheid in mijn armen en zou het liefst even een pauze nemen wat betreft het schrijven maar ‘durf’ dat ook weer niet en ik vraag me ook af of dat het beste is. Hierin zie ik ook dat het tijd wordt voor minder persoonlijk gerelateerde blogs en ook vlogs, dus een andere manier van schrijven die nieuw is en wat meer focus nodig heeft. Echter dit lukt nu nog niet helemaal aangezien de focus op de andere zaken ligt die prioriteit hebben op het moment (zoals bv het werk). Dit alles bij elkaar maakt dat ik wat ingekorte blogs plaats en er ook niet zo heel veel meer ‘zinnigs’ uit komt. Dus eerst maar wat zelfvergevingen en een praktische aanpak op dit punt.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb me zo ontzettend moe te voelen en hierin de angst te ervaren dat als ik hier even de tijd voor neem, ik het schrijven niet meer oppak.

Als en wanneer ik angst ervaar in mezelf dat ik het schrijven niet meer oppak, dan stop ik, ik adem. Ik realiseer me dat ik erg veel plezier en ondersteuning heb in en van het schrijven en dat het niet iets is wat ik snel helemaal zal laten gaan. Ik stel mezelf ten doel mezelf te stoppen met participatie in en als een angstgedachte als dat ik het schrijven niet meer op zou pakken, in en als de realisatie dat dit voornamelijk ruis is en geeft in en als de geest, in en als mezelf in een situatie waarin ik mezelf nog niet werkelijk richting geef aangezien die nieuw is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet meer ‘gewoon’ te kunnen gaan zitten om een blog te schrijven om de persoonlijke zaken uit te schrijven, aangezien ik niet meer zoveel persoonlijke zaken heb om uit te schrijven, waarin ik niet bedoel dat ik alles al uitgeschreven en doorgewerkt heb maar meer dat de focus aan het verschuiven is van persoonlijke naar interpersoonlijke blogs en vlogs wat relatief ‘nieuw’ is (waarin het uitschrijven van de geestbewustzijnsstructuren in bijvoorbeeld de mindconstructs in de DIP Pro lessen gewoon doorgaat).

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toegestaan en aanvaard heb even de tijd te nemen om mijn fysiek en mijn armen te laten rusten na de drukke periode die geweest is, waarin ik in plaats van een ‘vakantie’ juist veel meer gewerkt heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toegestaan en aanvaard heb nog geen ruimte te vinden om me te focussen op de interpersoonlijke blogs en vlogs maar wel de voorbereiding te zien en ervaren binnenin mezelf en hierin mezelf enigszins in twijfel te brengen.

Ik realiseer me dat deze voorbereiding erbij hoort en dat ik bezig ben met het versterken van mijn fysiek en het op de plek brengen van werkgerelateerde zaken en dat er hierin ruimte zal komen om te gebruiken voor een meer interpersoonlijke benadering van blogs en vlogs om zo de weg te openen naar het universele.

Ik realiseer me dat ik hier tijd voor kan nemen en mezelf kennende, pak ik zaken op als ik hiertoe gereed ben en dit is dus een kwaliteit in mezelf die ik kan gebruiken en waarin het niet nodig is om mezelf ongerust over te gaan maken, dit is ruis in de geest ter afleiding van mezelf.

Ik realiseer me dat ik, mocht ik toch zaken uitstellen, mezelf hierin kan ondersteunen met het gereedschap zoals schrijven, zelfvergeving en zelfcorrectie en het fysiek toepassen van de ademhaling en hierin het eventueel ondersteuning vragen aan mijn buddy en dus, is er wederom geen aanleiding tot zorgen maken.

Ik realiseer me dat een overgangs-/voorbereidings-/transitiefase erbij hoort en dus, is dit evenzo een fase die nodig is en dit kan ik verduidelijken voor mezelf door het onder woorden te brengen.

Ik realiseer me dat ik voornamelijk onduidelijkheid behoud in mezelf door het niet onder woorden brengen van wat er speelt in mezelf.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel onder woorden te brengen wat er speelt in mezelf en dit in blogs te verwerken en/of hardop voor mezelf uit te spreken, waarin ik dan tevens de transitiefase in de blogs meeneem en tegelijkertijd oefen om de fases die ik zie en ervaar in mezelf te omschrijven, te verwoorden.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel mezelf te pushen om rustig door te schrijven waar mogelijk en de blogs effectief aan te passen qua lengte op waartoe ik fysiek in staat ben.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel fysiek rust te nemen en te bewegen en op te bouwen.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel, zodra er tijd en ruimte is in en als mezelf en mijn fysieke leven, de focus te gebruiken om meer interpersoonlijke blogs en vlogs te schrijven/maken en hierin stap voor stap de weg te openen naar het universele en zolang dit niet is, de ruimte tussendoor te gebruiken voor een voorbereiding en onderzoek in de aanpak.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel mezelf de tijd te geven om het zogenaamde ‘proces’ meer te integreren en combineren met hetgeen ik ontwikkeld heb binnenin mezelf ten aanzien van de fysieke ondersteuning en hierin de tijd te nemen voor een vorm om dit te delen.

blogging 3 in 1
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Proces van zelfverandering:

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/