Dag 801 – From victimization to living decisions

I did come to a realization the other day that I now go and test for myself through time. Interesting enough since I am behind my computer, first a strong resistance did come up to the writing of this blog and after this resistance decreasing, it is as if the words are away of how clear it did become visible within myself a few hours before. So I am on the right spot so to speak.

Anyway. It’s not ‘new’ – everything is already here – but it’s about coming to the realization in and as myself, so ‘seeing it’ in a way within myself and it is about decisions. I remember Bernard mentioned several times like ‘it’s a decision’ (as for example he said ‘I decided to like you all’). This I found very supportive, to see and realize it ‘as an action’ in a way. What I did realize for myself last day is that, it has to become a decision.

What I mean by this, is that as long as I see challenges as moving myself towards something that I ‘actually do not want / prefer’ but what did come forward ‘as best’- within this I still place myself in some kind of victimization towards the challenge as ‘what is best’. Meaning, I do it, I move myself, but not really standing in and as it, in and as ‘self-will’.

What I did see, is that I need to make it a decision within and as me, like ‘giving up’ on something that is no longer best for myself (and / as others) as a whole (as life) – instead of giving up on myself and keep holding on to what I prefer / desire / want – then when and as I am ready to move myself to make this decision in a specific area, I ‘own it’ in a way and I am from here on empowering myself within / as this decision, instead of victimizing myself by and through what ‘needs to be done’.

This is actually in line with ‘it’s a decision’ as this describes it as well in a different way. It all comes down to decisions, small one’s, big one’s, of who I am in a certain moment and what I bring forward / express / live and create within this.

I am not yet kristal clear on it but found it worth writing down already as a general approach from ‘victimization‘ to ‘living decisions’. When and as I find myself clear and certain on the specifics, I will be able to write about it in more context and so making it more clear. Because what I also see within this is that there is a process prior to the living of a decision where in I walk through (as forgiving myself as a self-understanding of) all that I did connect as preferences, needs, desires, fears, wants, etc; related to the specific area, that I eventually am going to live a decision in.

To be continued.


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Uil forgive

Dag 764 – It’s a decision

One of the things that stand the most by me from the words of Bernard are the words ‘it’s a decision’. Actually everything, who we want to be, how we want to live, how we approach others and the world around us – it’s based on a decision. However what we have learned, is that it is based on ‘how we feel’ or not feel and what we think about something or someone. This goes so automatically and fast within ourself, that we are not really (or not at all) aware of the motivation behind our words and actions, behaviour and choises.

In the past, we have made many ‘decisions’ based on painful experiences and then we created thoughts and behaviour as a way to try and control our environment, to not experience this pain again and so actually, our unaware ‘decisions’ are very much based on a protection and defense mechanism. At some point later in life, if often comes forward that these ‘decisions’ are not practical anymore and actually working ‘against ourself’ as well as ‘against others’. Because these ‘decisions’ are once based on ‘exclusion’ from the one who did some harm to us, instead of bringing the pain back to self. This can be developped in many situations, from very small moments where we did not understand what was happening in a moment, within ourself and for example felt rejected, to the really emotional or physical abusive situations that do happen so much in this world that is based on inequality and misunderstandings.

So the protection and defense mechanism could be valid as ‘understandable’ and even necessarry in the past, however there comes a point in our lives where we are asked to be ready and willing to bring the pain back to self and take responsibility for ourself, in who and how we have created ourselves from all these moments in the past, in a way that is not best for all, but still only protecting and defending ‘our own good’ so to speak which goes hand in hand with attacking another who is questioning this ‘good’.

I was writing self-forgiveness in in a timeline of a mind-construct last week and came to a moment of decision where I saw that my behaviour, is unacceptable. It took me months to come to an understanding of myself in my behaviour, although I had seen already long before that something did not go well in certain moments.

It was in a moment in the working-environment that I am not satisfied about and that I experience as ‘unfair’ but that I can also not practically change and so, I was kind of ‘stuck’ in how to stand in this and behave. And this prevented me from seeing into myself as who I am in that moment and the will to change in this, because I found that ‘I had the right to do this’ in some way. And so it took me a deep introspection to come to the point of seeing that I was actually on a very subtile level, abusing a situation and (business)relationship in the vulnerability of the interdependency that we existing in within actually all relationships. I made a difference of how to be in different relatinships and so, I actually let the relationship determine ‘who I am’. I did not make a clear decision about ‘who I am’ in every relationship and allowed a small backdoor within myself in a (business)relationship where in another is more dependent on me (for money), to behave from a starting-point of ‘having certain rights’, where in other relationships where I am more dependent, I suppress these reactions within me.

Once I saw the point of abuse in it, through the extensive and structural writing and/of self-forgiveness within the lesson, I saw the solution: it’s a decision and I am the solution in who I am in that moment; it’s not possible to change the practical aspects in it and it is unacceptable to live out my dissatisfactions, so there is only one (practical) solution: ME and the decision to no longer accept and allow myself to live out this pattern of abuse, no matter how subtile and no matter ‘if I am right’ in a way.

From here I now need to practise and live this decision in reality, so I need to everytime decide to ‘act on my decision’, to make it a real and living decision that is visible in physical matter and what I find as well is that I need to come to this ‘decision’ in many different situations, moments and relationships, through seeing, realizing and understanding myself in each of it. (…) So I have an overall decision of the will to make the best of myself and come to a living of decisions of what is best for all in every moment and within this ‘will to change’ as a starting-point, I walk many moments towards a point of seeing myself, from where I decide to stop the abusive or ineffective pattern and thus change. This shows how extensive and detailed this process is to come to a point of practical, visible change in all aspects of our living.

Once I come to such point of insight, I find myself being more stable and solid, as now I have found a point that I can stand in and stand up from in those moments. There is often so much resistance experienced towards a point that needs introspection, however once through, it gives much more trust and satisfaction within and as self. To come to a decision that is best for all, I need to take off the layers of energy created around it and an effective way to do this is the application of self-forgiveness, so that I can come to a point of really seeing, realizing and understanding what I am doing in such moment and then, I am able to make the decision or actually in that moment of seeing myself, I have made the decision, to stop the abuse in this certain situation.

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Uil forgive

Dag 756 – Gentle – being it or living it?

In the morning I usually look into myself how I wake up that day, I describe it for myself and then I see with what word I can support myself in that day. I have noticed that I am able to keep myself more stable throughout the day if I do start with a word in the morning to live. I tend to forget the word during the day, but even then – I then in moments look it up where I have written it down – I am still more stable within this day. So I keep doing this, as a start to learn to direct myself with the support of living words.

Last week in the end of the day, I was in a conversation that did not go so smooth. I was trying to bring forward some points of responsibility and another was sort of resisting this and bringing up distractions, what I then started to react to. This went on for a while and in a certain moment I remembered myself, ‘okay, what is the word that I picked this morning?’ I luckily! did remember the word: gentle.

So in that situation, I realized that gentle is what I need to bring forward and be here and integrate and I immediately could embody this in this interaction. This gave an immediate release for myself, as I here remembered also that I did not need to be so ‘strict’ and that I better be gentle and see where we are each standing in our ‘life-process’ in general. So this word did support me to slow down and be more gentle. I picked it up as being more gentle towards another where it then had/has the result that I am also more gentle within myself, because within doing so, my own reactions will stop and so, I am much more gentle towards myself as well. So in this context it works two ways, what I bring forward towards another, has an effect on myself as well and what I bring forward within/as myself, has an effect on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle from the start within a conversation and within this, bringing up reactions within myself and/as another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a living word as ‘gentle’ in the morning to infact be gentle and not being gentle in and as myself as a starting-point in the conversation that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to push a point through within another, instead of pushing myself through my own reactions and to be gentle in and as doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider to be gentle at first and actually want a point of responsibility to immediately be clear without having any strubbeling or resonances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle to in a way ‘protect’ myself against the effect that the strubbeling/struggle and resonances have on me and against the reactions coming up from here within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and as I am gentle, things will never be understood or clear and also that when and asI am gentle, people will walk over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be gentle because ‘people are also not gentle with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought stored within and as me that ‘people are not gentle with me’ without conscious having any relevant memory linked to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘people to be gentle with me’ but not doing this myself, as well inside as outside or, I do as if I am gentle but at the same time, experiencing reactions within me and so not being gentle with/as myself towards myself and feeling like I am ‘lying’ as well towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really and always want to be gentle and to not like to be tough or hard or rude, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am or can be hard, rude and tough and forget about being gentle in moments that it matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that gentleness does not have any ‘borders’ and so, nothing will be a accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I/we need ‘borders’ and if we do not have them, the borders will be crossed, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘having borders’ menas automatically that they can be ‘crossed’ and so, more practical is to investigate what borders I have created in/as my mind that I feel ‘walked over’ within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘be’ gentle instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can ‘live’ gentle in and as myself, without neceserrally being it as if I have no choice in this.

I realize that I can in this way, move or direct myself into a word and live this as a decision in that moment that I see is best as direction for all in this moment/situation which includes myself or best as direction for myself, which then incudes all selves.

I realize now that by ‘always wanting to be gentle’, I take away my directive power in and as myself, meaning, I take away the decision to live a certain word/quality and so, I disempower myself in this because I then would not be able to live a different word that may be needed in a certain moment or situation and so I am actually ‘being stuck in gentleness’ when this may not be the best way to create a certain outcome, where my starting-point is then already one of disempowerment and so the outcome will disempower me as my directive decision and if I disempower me in this directiveness in and as myself, I disempower another in his/her directiveness as well and so, I enlarge the resistance because, who wants to feel disempowered?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by ‘wanting to be always gentle’, actually create the polarity within me as well as ‘not being gentle’ as protection-mechanism, to protect in fact my own illusion of gentleness.

To be continued.

School of Ultimate Living


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Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 731 – Self-honesty, self and relationships

self-honesty

Continuing on previous blog.

For more than 6 years now, I am actively walking a process where in it is a core-point for me to transcent the ‘dependency’ within partnership. Through my life, I have had several partners and a pattern existing within this of starting and stopping. I could not find a way to keep my individuality and at the same time, be/become intimate in my sharing with another. I was not able to stand alone within partnership.

Now, what then does this mean? To stand alone? I learned how to stand alone when being/living alone, without a partner but then within this there is a tendency to search for a partner and when there is a partner, I often lived in a fear of loss or, the partner was existing in this pattern. All because, so I found out, the starting-point was not clearly cross-referenced within both: no discussions about what both want and/or are able to within a partnership and how to create this and how to give and how to support and what means love etc. So the starting-point was basicely still based on preferences and convenience, without really being self-honest to myself and to another about who I am and what I stand for.

This coming forward out of a ‘fear of loss’, as well when the relationship started but also on forehand, like not believing that any man that I like and who likes me and within the practical possibilities, would be willing to live with me and at the same time taking responsibility for oneself. So it is like a compromising on forehand, like, okay better live with someone halfway than living alone all my life (where this ‘all my life’ is what is showing this disbelief and fear ‘that I will never find a partner who is willing to stand with me when and as I am standing within a starting-point of self-honesty’).

But, here under, is hiding my own convenience. Of not willing, mixed with a ‘not knowing how’ to support another and push the principles where in another is given the opportunity to live accordingly to principles that are best for both (and from here, best for all) and expand as well. Not knowing how because I have never done this before or never had an example and so, it is all new to learn and develop. But what I actually mostly see is a convenience within myself about not willing to change and do the hard and dirty work, of step by step walking through all the shit that is coming up and directing myself and the situation in this. And here in I see, I am existing in judgement.

From not standing within and as my self-honesty of what I am accepting and allowing within myself and from here, tolerating within a relationship, I am existing in judgement, which leads to a fear of loss. Because I placed this partnership in the place of my self-honesty and from here, the separation from and within myself is existing and so I make myself dependent on the partner and on the partnership and on the physical intimicy. Within this I am existing in judgement all the time, I am hiding, I keep distance and push the other away (in fear as judgement) as a reflection of how I am in disagreement with and as myself and fear/judge myself for this, as long as I am not self-honestly facing this.

For 6-7 years I am looking at the theory of what it means to stand alone and live in/as self, as in not ‘missing another’ (as a reflection of missing myself)  where in I now see that the word ‘self-honesty’ is giving so much more clarity in this, as this is what I can define for myself. This is an active process that I have walked and am still walking and this is what I recently found within myself (hidden deep within myself) where in I kept my ‘preference’ at first place and secondly I tried to align my self-honesty with this, where I had to turn this around and place my self-honesty first and foremost and from here, look at how to align my preferences to this, if and when possible in a practical and considering way. Thus this means that I have to make peace with the possibility (or call it ‘risk’) that I have to let go of some of my preferences if I find that I am not able to live with it, practical, physical and according to my integrity.

This is an example of how we trade places in and as the mind and how we place our preferences above our self-honesty and from here, we make ourselves dependent on these preferences that we need to fulfill with something or someone outside ourselves. It can be anything: money, sex, love, food, drugs, alcohol, gaming, traveling, shopping, sleeping, watching tv and all variations within this.

We know in theory that we do this, we all know it somehow, however really seeing it within ourselves and understanding how we have exactly created this, is a whole other story, even from the point where we make the decision to change this within ourselves. For this, we need to walk what we call ‘a process’ through time.

It is possible that we have integrated this self-dishonesty in our physical body; in this case walking out of it, means to walk a physical process, through physical manifested consequences within our own body, as for example in my case, the consequence of a spastic colon.

To be continued


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Uil forgive

Dag 724 – 12. Learning what consequence is

 

This blog is related to record 12: Learning what consequence is

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already had in mind somehow to do it all alone without firstly align and ground myself within a relationship where in we could both stand the test of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of already had in mind somewhere to do it all alone, this ‘plan of action’ was activated by some words of the male and so me using this words as some kind of ‘proof’ that this is what I have to do and can do, that this is somehow ‘okay’ to do, without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is actually me within my mind, manipulating words (of doubt) from another, towards using this for my self-interest within this ‘plan of action’ that I had hidden as a secret within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my responsibility in a way, on the other by using his words as a reason and justification, as some sort of ‘sign’ that I now can start my ‘secret plan of action’ without considering the whole situation that I and the male are involved in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stuck within myself within conflict because of taking action from a point of self-interest in a situation that was not grounded at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to an outcome as doing it all alone bacause not having a program ready of how to effectively build a relationship as how is best for both/best for all and from here, somehow thinking and believing that I will never able to do so and at the same time, knowing that it should be possible and that it is within my potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now only see and learn what consequenses are for myself within relationships and how they end, however it took me many more years to really consider all and every aspect including the effect of my decisions on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from here on think and believe that ‘I am responsible for myself and another is responsible for him/herself’ and so within this, not considering to take responsibility as well for others involved as much as it is within my awareness and when and as another is not yet be able to do so because of having les awareness in that moment, it is up to me to step in and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘it was his responsibility to step in with me’ which it is in the end, however missing out here on the consequense of my words and actions for another as well and not only for me.

When and as I see myself participating in a fear of stepping forward and express what I see as consequence and responsibility within another’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that it is also my responsibility to speak up, to step forward and support another to learn what consequence is, this within my ability and awareness in that certain moment.

I commit myself to bring my fear back to myself, to see and forgive what the fear as judgement is and from here, see how I can best step forward and speak or show some awareness in a way that another is able to understand.

When and as I see myself participating in a thought-pattern, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I create consequenses for myself within my physical body that are not needed or doing any good.

I commit myself to step by step, walk and forgive the layering of fear within me, to write it out, to name, understand and forgive myself until I am able to stand more clear and stable within myself with regards to relationships and patterns of fear of loss and standing alone.

When and as I see myself not knowing how to move forward within a certain point within a relationship, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I do not have an effective program ready and so, I need to create a real and lasting solution from here on from within myself, which feel like ‘impossible’ because I have never done it before.

I commit myself to move myself into the unknown field, to step by step create a solution by using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, cross-referencing with others/support from others and considering the aspects that I can see within myself and so slowly, build the ground and stability within myself, within my life and within the relationship with another and with others in general.

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Previous blog: 11. Not wanting to repeat a pattern

Next blog: 13. Trying to make it up

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Uil forgive

Dag 721 – 9. Ignoring some signs within myself

This blog is related to record 9: Ignoring some signs within myself

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore some signs within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself space and time to look over all aspects that are involved within the situation of considering an abortion, out of fear that ‘if I don’t do it fast, I don’t do it at all’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ovestigate all aspects within myself and so, decided to ‘do it fast’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that I am not allowed to give birth to a child without the father close to me within my life and using this as an excuse to not face and walk through my own experiences of resistance towards another that are actually parts of myself that I resist and fear to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the situation that has developped from a starting-point of self-dishonesty, as an excuse to not be self-honest in the current situation and instead, plan to ‘take out’ the whole situation from the beginning, as some sort of correction and blank slate to start over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘start over’ with a ‘blank slate’ and do this over and over again, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘a blank slate’ means forgiving myself and from here, living the correction and preventing myself from making the same mistake and this can be done in any situation in any moment, where in it can be forgiven and directed from that point on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to what another is saying to me that is ringing a bell but following my own point of fiew, without listening to myself and the ringing bell within and as myself and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to a part of myself that is seeing some uninvestigated points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face the hard part and to want things the easy way without facing and walking through my own experiences of resistance and fear and so switching back and forward, searching for ‘the easy way in’ and when it appears not to be easy, searching for ‘the easy way out’.

When and as I see myself searching for an easy way in, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there is no easy way in, not really at the moment because I have build up my mind in ‘difficulties’ and ‘problems’ so to speak that I will face again within and as myself. I realize that I have build up this system for myself within following a (pre)programming that is build in, to not see the simplicity of what it means to live in and as the physical without hidden agenda’s and thoughts and reactions coming up and so, I will face the thoughts, reactions and hidden agenda’s activated in certain situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to stand and keep standing within principle while facing difficulties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I am tired of facing difficulties’.

I commit myself to face my own difficulties, created in/as myself as my mind-patterns and within this, forgive myself for the build up reactions and thoughts and beyond this, look for the one point within that I did not stand in and as somewhere within my life, where in I started reacting to myself in and as self-judgement and from here, see how and with what words I can express myself in this one point and so stand up and stand by and keep standing, with and as myself, no matter what comes up, until it’s done.

When and as I see myself searching for an easy way out, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have believed the easy way in and so, I did not see the reality of how the mind is build up and then when I see this, I am searching for an easy way out, through projecting my thoughts, believes and reactions on something or someone outside myself.

I commit myself to put a guard for my mouth and to first stop my reactions, to embrace myself firmly within and apply self-forgiveness, until I do understand and see the point that I would like to express and that I stand in and as, as within and as a principle that is best for myself and others involved and I commit myself to gather information that gives me more clarity on a situation so that I from here, can more clearly see what I am reacting in and as and what is actual happening as a point that needs to be directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame within/as myself, if and when I do express something in reaction.

I commit myself to embrace the shame within myself as this indicates that I see a point within myself that I am ready to transent, as it can only be forgiven and transcended when and as a real shame is experienced, meaning when I really face what I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a belief in reaction.

When and as I see within myself a belief in a variation of ‘if I am not doing it fast, I will not do it at all’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I participate in a fear of myself forgiving into my mind and that I participate in a lack of self-trust in being able to direct myself in the best way possible and so, to prevent myself from the experience of being lead by fear, I tend to ‘take action directly’. I realize that I also fear to ‘loose’ that what I want and so, I want to take action directly, to try to prevent to loose my point of self-interest because ‘I already have manifested it’. So, I realize that I do not trust that: ‘what I want’ is equal and one as ‘best for all’ and that ‘what is best for all’ is equal and one as ‘what I want’.

I commit myself to keep on remembering within and as myself that the outcome that is best for me, is best for all and that the outcome that is best for all, is best for me and so, it will be best if and when I do investigate all dimensions before manifesting consequenses in physical reality that cannot be undone and I commit myself to keep on remembering within and as myself that an experience of fear or any experience, is not ‘what is best’ or ‘what is not best’, neither for myself or another, although it may feel so real, however the fear is merely creating a polarity within myself that is confusing and so, I commit myself to investigate all dimensions and gather all information that I am able to within a certain situation, before taking action, so that I can align myself within the best way possible; no matter how small and insignificant an event may seem; it all starts within the very small.

I commit myself to live the word patience as investigating all dimensions and gathering all information that I am able to and that I need, to bring forward the best possible approach within and as myself.

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Previous blog: 8. Feeling like ‘going of my path’

Next blog: 10. The fruit isn’t really gone


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Dag 718 – 6. Decision in a split second

 This blog is related to record 6: Decision in a split second

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow two thoughts coming up within me in a split second as a self-interested ‘opportunity’ without fully investigating the consequenses that this could bring forward, for myself and another involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not involve another through sharing what is going on within my mind, where in my mind in a thought, I ‘use’ something of the other without the other even knowing about it and so, without giving the other an opportunity to bring in perspective and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow up on my thoughts and so, ‘using’ something of the other who is involved without fully informing about the starting-point I come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inform the other who is involved with limited information through which I know I have better chances that the other will ‘agree’ on what I want and so, having an excuse for myself that I ‘did inform’ the other and that the other ‘did approve it’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that leaving out information is disempowering another as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by leaving out information and creating from a starting-point of secrecy and self-interest, I will disempower myself within the consequenses that I create, in the same way as I disempower another in that specific moment and because only I am fully informed with the information in my head that I keep partly a secret, I will be responsible for the consequenses that I create by following up my secret thoughts with actions and so I will have to walk through the created consequenses in physical reality, by myself alone as long as I keep it a ‘secret’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have split up myself within my own thoughts that come up in secret and that I believe and follow up on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to follow up on my thoughts because the thoughts produce feelings and emotions that make me ‘feel alive’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow up on thoughts within me about literally creating new physical life ‘by accident’ and from a starting-point of ‘fear and self-interest’, instead of considering myself and other participants as life itself and so, creating life from life by decision, in consideration of all and everything involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have disempowered and split up myself, by believing that I need to create new life in secrecy because otherwise I would not be able to create it at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already believe that I will fail and so, I create from a starting-point of ‘fear of failure‘ without seeing that in this way, I will indeed ‘fail’ as my starting point is split up and not one and equal as myself and so, not grounded and valid or real and so I will have to walk back and deconstruct what I have created in ‘fear of failure’, to be able to take responsibility for it and while doing so, bring myself towards oneness and equality and birth myself as life from the phisical while doing so, while ‘walking back’ and transforming the self-interest into what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when resistances that are coming up in relation towards another, that these are coming from my own mind as things that I have separated myself from and as and so, it are things that I need to investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as resistances are coming up within myself in ‘relation towards another’, to walk out and end the relationship, instead of investigating, understanding and stopping the resistance within myself and so, build a relationship with and as myself and from here, approach another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk out of relationship situations that have potential because I believe that the resistance that I experience is real and ‘not where I must be’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that actually the resistance is a place where I ‘should be’ as here my mind is showing me where I have separated myself in thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and preferences that are ‘in the way’ of approaching a situation with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘take what I want’ and then walk out within a relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that I create my own failure in this way as I ‘take what I want’ from a starting-point of ‘fear of failure’, out of fear that I will not succeed to create what I really want and what is best for myself and others involved, and so I rather ‘take quickly what I want’ and walk out so that at least, I have something that I (think that I) want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I ‘know myself’ and so follow that what comes up in my mind as a thought, feeling or emotion that I translate as ‘that what I want’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not know myself in what is really best for myself and especially not how I can bring this into reality in a practical and considering way, where in this is actually what I eventually want: that what is best for myself (as life and so for others as life) and within this, it will be lasting.

When and as I see myself participating in a fear of not being able to create what I want / would like, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have never created such thing from a starting-point of a practical and considerable approach of reality and so, I have no reference of me being able to walk this and I have no blue-print of how to walk this. I realize that I easily give up when I do not ‘succeed’ directly instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I need to walk a new path step by step, deconstructing the old and destructive patterns and rebuilding a new and solid approach in consideration of this physical reality from a staring point of principled living as what is best for myself in this physical life and what is best for all who are physically involved in what I would want.

I commit myself to support myself as a being stepping forward by applying principles that are best for myself on long-term and in consideration of all involved.

I commit myself to forgive myself for the flaws and programs that are coming up within me as a ‘quick solution’ to fulfill myself with experiences in/as the mind, as a safety catch as ‘better having something than nothing’ instead of step by step bringing forward my potential as a living being.

I commit myself to be patient with myself and others and live the word patience, ‘geduld’ day by day.

I commit myself to receive the support of others for and as myself / my beingness to stand up and I commit myself to be a point of support for others as beingness to stand up as well.

When and as I see myself participating in a tendency of giving up because I experience my feelings and emotions as too overwhelming as if I ‘cannot handle it’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am able to handle my own emotions because I allowed myself to create them as a reaction to what I have learned and believed and  I realize that I am not sticking to the principles of what is best for myself on long-term and so for others as well through which I already ‘fear’ my own creation as consequence, which brings up emotions.

I commit myself to lay out a foundation for myself within principles that I can apply and in which I can keep myself stable and at the same time, walk through my own experiences coming up, within the realization that as long as I keep myself grounded within principles (meaning, principles that are considering what is best for all involved, including myself), I am considering myself and others as life and so, I will eventually bring forward that what is best for all involved without creating harming consequenses.

I commit myself to, when and as I do not see a way to walk, to slow down and take the time to find a way in which I am able to keep myself stable and keep my integrity as well.

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts as ‘taking what I want’ without completely informing others about this who are involved, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I come from a starting-point of fear of not being able to create what I want as what I really would like and see what is best and so, I need to reflect on and take responsibility for a pattern within myself that is not best for myself and others on long term.

I commit myself to slow down, to breathe and to take the time to forgive myself for my thoughts as fears and for believing them in relation to ‘taking what I want’ in a specific situation.

I commit myself to consider myself as a mind consciousness system in which I am weakening and compromising myself and from here, while seeing myself in these weakening / compromising patterns, finding ways to support myself as a being to stand up and direct myself towards a wholesome, healthy way of living.

Previous blog: 5. Menstruation cycle

Next blog: 7. The moment of truth

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Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/