Dag 806 – The experience of disappointment

One of the most challenging emotions to embrace I find is disappointment. Even in the smallest things I can experience disappointment and my initial reaction is to suppress it and so not to ‘feel’ it. I have tactics to do this, mostly by ‘looking at the positive aspect’ in it immediately (so before even letting in the experience itself) as for example ‘what I learned from it’.

A few examples of how small things can bring up an experience of disappointment in me:

Snoo (my cat) who did jumped in the middle of a Rosemary plant and so half of the branches broke down; myself accidently breaking some branches of a plant while mowing the grass; when placing the scaffolding, one guy removed some piece of the fence in a not so careful way because it was a bit too high, without discussing with me because I was at sport-lesson, while afterwards appeared only one upper shelf needed to be removed. This piece of fence is needed to keep the cats inside the garden so I placed it back in an improvised way, however what I was disappointed about is how it was a bit of destroyed and existing in it as well I see some worry about how to place it back afterwards. When now writing about it I see that these examples are all about some form of destruction of something that I placed in with care.

I noticed that I easily go into angryness and blame (to myself and / or another) instead of embracing / letting in the experience of disappointment of something broken down. It takes a while before I calm down from experiencing it and I really do not like the feel of it. As I see now it will be supportive for myself to describe more how I experience this emotion and what happens in myself and my body when it comes up. I also have noticed that it does go away after a while when and as I have embraced it. I do suspect that a lot of what I have suppressed within my body, is related to a suppression of disappointment.

With the fence I noticed that I stayed calm and directed the situation effectively, replacing a piece of the fence, asking for a hand to help at one of the guys and naming what happened directly when it appeared that I needed that piece of fence, not in a blaming way (and also not experiencing angryness or any particular reaction) but in a direct and funny way, for both of us to not let it be suppressed and ‘lead a life of it’s own‘ so to speak but just so that it is named and out there. This was a cool example for myself to take such things on. However it did affect me that it was broken down – realizing that for many others, it probably would be ‘such a small thing’ barely worth speaking about, especially when one does not know that this piece of fence does have a function in that small area, up on a wall. So afterwards – when I had directed everything – I needed to lay down and rest and let them do their job and embrace myself in the experience of disappointment where I was satisfied in how I handled it so there was no reason to go into self-blame and so, only the experience of disappointment was left over to look at for / within myself.

With Snoo, I did experience angryness towards her – and I rarely experience angryness towards her! lol – I was sooo disappointed as I had just the day before looked at how nicely that plant was growing and I only calmed down when I realized that she did it accidently and if she would have known, she would not have jumped on it, it was just in her way on the ‘road’ that she takes when she runs at max speed through the garden into the house. And when realizing this, I felt shitty about my experience and words of angryness towards her.

With the plant I destroyed myself, I did cut some branches and placed them in the house and I took out what was left of the plant (not much) and decided to find a new one later as more happened already with this plant. I shared with Snoo that I did the same – I accidently broke some branches – and calmed down quite fast.

I will open it up with self-forgiveness and some more inner observation when an emotion of disappointment comes up within me.

To be continued.


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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 764 – It’s a decision

One of the things that stand the most by me from the words of Bernard are the words ‘it’s a decision’. Actually everything, who we want to be, how we want to live, how we approach others and the world around us – it’s based on a decision. However what we have learned, is that it is based on ‘how we feel’ or not feel and what we think about something or someone. This goes so automatically and fast within ourself, that we are not really (or not at all) aware of the motivation behind our words and actions, behaviour and choises.

In the past, we have made many ‘decisions’ based on painful experiences and then we created thoughts and behaviour as a way to try and control our environment, to not experience this pain again and so actually, our unaware ‘decisions’ are very much based on a protection and defense mechanism. At some point later in life, if often comes forward that these ‘decisions’ are not practical anymore and actually working ‘against ourself’ as well as ‘against others’. Because these ‘decisions’ are once based on ‘exclusion’ from the one who did some harm to us, instead of bringing the pain back to self. This can be developped in many situations, from very small moments where we did not understand what was happening in a moment, within ourself and for example felt rejected, to the really emotional or physical abusive situations that do happen so much in this world that is based on inequality and misunderstandings.

So the protection and defense mechanism could be valid as ‘understandable’ and even necessarry in the past, however there comes a point in our lives where we are asked to be ready and willing to bring the pain back to self and take responsibility for ourself, in who and how we have created ourselves from all these moments in the past, in a way that is not best for all, but still only protecting and defending ‘our own good’ so to speak which goes hand in hand with attacking another who is questioning this ‘good’.

I was writing self-forgiveness in in a timeline of a mind-construct last week and came to a moment of decision where I saw that my behaviour, is unacceptable. It took me months to come to an understanding of myself in my behaviour, although I had seen already long before that something did not go well in certain moments.

It was in a moment in the working-environment that I am not satisfied about and that I experience as ‘unfair’ but that I can also not practically change and so, I was kind of ‘stuck’ in how to stand in this and behave. And this prevented me from seeing into myself as who I am in that moment and the will to change in this, because I found that ‘I had the right to do this’ in some way. And so it took me a deep introspection to come to the point of seeing that I was actually on a very subtile level, abusing a situation and (business)relationship in the vulnerability of the interdependency that we existing in within actually all relationships. I made a difference of how to be in different relatinships and so, I actually let the relationship determine ‘who I am’. I did not make a clear decision about ‘who I am’ in every relationship and allowed a small backdoor within myself in a (business)relationship where in another is more dependent on me (for money), to behave from a starting-point of ‘having certain rights’, where in other relationships where I am more dependent, I suppress these reactions within me.

Once I saw the point of abuse in it, through the extensive and structural writing and/of self-forgiveness within the lesson, I saw the solution: it’s a decision and I am the solution in who I am in that moment; it’s not possible to change the practical aspects in it and it is unacceptable to live out my dissatisfactions, so there is only one (practical) solution: ME and the decision to no longer accept and allow myself to live out this pattern of abuse, no matter how subtile and no matter ‘if I am right’ in a way.

From here I now need to practise and live this decision in reality, so I need to everytime decide to ‘act on my decision’, to make it a real and living decision that is visible in physical matter and what I find as well is that I need to come to this ‘decision’ in many different situations, moments and relationships, through seeing, realizing and understanding myself in each of it. (…) So I have an overall decision of the will to make the best of myself and come to a living of decisions of what is best for all in every moment and within this ‘will to change’ as a starting-point, I walk many moments towards a point of seeing myself, from where I decide to stop the abusive or ineffective pattern and thus change. This shows how extensive and detailed this process is to come to a point of practical, visible change in all aspects of our living.

Once I come to such point of insight, I find myself being more stable and solid, as now I have found a point that I can stand in and stand up from in those moments. There is often so much resistance experienced towards a point that needs introspection, however once through, it gives much more trust and satisfaction within and as self. To come to a decision that is best for all, I need to take off the layers of energy created around it and an effective way to do this is the application of self-forgiveness, so that I can come to a point of really seeing, realizing and understanding what I am doing in such moment and then, I am able to make the decision or actually in that moment of seeing myself, I have made the decision, to stop the abuse in this certain situation.

Desteni I Process


Proces van zelfverandering:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive