Dag 756 – Gentle – being it or living it?

In the morning I usually look into myself how I wake up that day, I describe it for myself and then I see with what word I can support myself in that day. I have noticed that I am able to keep myself more stable throughout the day if I do start with a word in the morning to live. I tend to forget the word during the day, but even then – I then in moments look it up where I have written it down – I am still more stable within this day. So I keep doing this, as a start to learn to direct myself with the support of living words.

Last week in the end of the day, I was in a conversation that did not go so smooth. I was trying to bring forward some points of responsibility and another was sort of resisting this and bringing up distractions, what I then started to react to. This went on for a while and in a certain moment I remembered myself, ‘okay, what is the word that I picked this morning?’ I luckily! did remember the word: gentle.

So in that situation, I realized that gentle is what I need to bring forward and be here and integrate and I immediately could embody this in this interaction. This gave an immediate release for myself, as I here remembered also that I did not need to be so ‘strict’ and that I better be gentle and see where we are each standing in our ‘life-process’ in general. So this word did support me to slow down and be more gentle. I picked it up as being more gentle towards another where it then had/has the result that I am also more gentle within myself, because within doing so, my own reactions will stop and so, I am much more gentle towards myself as well. So in this context it works two ways, what I bring forward towards another, has an effect on myself as well and what I bring forward within/as myself, has an effect on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle from the start within a conversation and within this, bringing up reactions within myself and/as another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a living word as ‘gentle’ in the morning to infact be gentle and not being gentle in and as myself as a starting-point in the conversation that takes place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to push a point through within another, instead of pushing myself through my own reactions and to be gentle in and as doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider to be gentle at first and actually want a point of responsibility to immediately be clear without having any strubbeling or resonances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle to in a way ‘protect’ myself against the effect that the strubbeling/struggle and resonances have on me and against the reactions coming up from here within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when and as I am gentle, things will never be understood or clear and also that when and asI am gentle, people will walk over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be gentle because ‘people are also not gentle with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought stored within and as me that ‘people are not gentle with me’ without conscious having any relevant memory linked to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘people to be gentle with me’ but not doing this myself, as well inside as outside or, I do as if I am gentle but at the same time, experiencing reactions within me and so not being gentle with/as myself towards myself and feeling like I am ‘lying’ as well towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really and always want to be gentle and to not like to be tough or hard or rude, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am or can be hard, rude and tough and forget about being gentle in moments that it matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that gentleness does not have any ‘borders’ and so, nothing will be a accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I/we need ‘borders’ and if we do not have them, the borders will be crossed, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘having borders’ menas automatically that they can be ‘crossed’ and so, more practical is to investigate what borders I have created in/as my mind that I feel ‘walked over’ within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘be’ gentle instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can ‘live’ gentle in and as myself, without neceserrally being it as if I have no choice in this.

I realize that I can in this way, move or direct myself into a word and live this as a decision in that moment that I see is best as direction for all in this moment/situation which includes myself or best as direction for myself, which then incudes all selves.

I realize now that by ‘always wanting to be gentle’, I take away my directive power in and as myself, meaning, I take away the decision to live a certain word/quality and so, I disempower myself in this because I then would not be able to live a different word that may be needed in a certain moment or situation and so I am actually ‘being stuck in gentleness’ when this may not be the best way to create a certain outcome, where my starting-point is then already one of disempowerment and so the outcome will disempower me as my directive decision and if I disempower me in this directiveness in and as myself, I disempower another in his/her directiveness as well and so, I enlarge the resistance because, who wants to feel disempowered?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by ‘wanting to be always gentle’, actually create the polarity within me as well as ‘not being gentle’ as protection-mechanism, to protect in fact my own illusion of gentleness.

To be continued.

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Dag 607 – The mind-body relationship – When will I succeed?

wortel voorhouden

Last week I was hosting a Google Hangout about the subject Breathing and The Body. Afterwards we noticed that it were actually two subjects that we discussed in one hangout that became longer than the time I planned to stay within. However for the rest we were all three (Maite, Martijn and I) satisfied about the content and discussions.

Before starting about the body, Maite suggested to keep an eye on how I placed the relationship between physical symptoms and walking process, to not put it as ‘walking process to solve physical problems/symptoms/complains’ but more focus on how the physical symptoms can function as a guide within who I am in relationship to myself and my physical body. Although this was also my starting-point towards this subject, I noticed that within one question, I mixed these two approaches a bit through each other where in I saw that unaware, I was still pushing the point of wanting to ‘solve my physical complains’ through walking process and actually, I want it NOW lol and this playing out each day again, waiting for this to happen.

One can imagine that this is giving pressure on myself and my physical body and within this, I noticed that I was waiting for myself to ‘succeed’ in this and if not, I would not yet allow to really stand for and share what I am walking in/as this process of self-realization, because as long as the physical complains are here and/or are coming back or even may come back, I did not really succeed and so, not allowed by myself to stand and share.

Here I do not take everything into consideration, I fear to do so because what if there are aspects and dimensions that make it impossible to completely ‘solve’ these physical complains during my life in/as the physical? Then I will never be able to ‘succeed’ so to speak. This is the problem with trying to reach a ‘good health’ as it is like a picture of a carriage with a donkey in front of it who is walking behind a carrot on a line, the carrot is holded right before it’s nose but as the donkey walks, the carrot goes foreward because it is carrying the carriage with the one who is holding the line and so, the donkey will not be able to eat the carrot. Or, walking in circles actually, the circles of consiousness. To clarify that animals are not walking behind a carrot but we as humans are doing so in/as the mind while sitting on the box of the carriage, holding the line with the carrot and this picture is a projection of our human mind as how we as humans are in/as the mind, directing life by how we are walking in circles and focus on the result that we project in/as the mind instead on focussing on who are are in/as life within the walking.

Here I notice that I fear to have to live with the physical complains from a spastic colon through all my live. And this fear I am projecting forward as an already created road for myself where in I keep myself prison in/as an experience of fear and so, in/as the mind. Which will enlarge the tension on the large intestine. In which I will enlarge the experience of not succeeding ever.

Theoretical it is not so difficult to grasp, however in the moment of finding myself within the uncomfortability of the spastic state and within this, an unability to release myself from the physical waste (poo), I am having the most difficulties with who I am in relation to myself and my physical body, It is also already an accumulated situation where in I was not aware yet of how I exactly build the tension in the days before, mixed with an accumulation build up throughout my whole life and foundated with some predisposition within the large intestine coming from the familiy-line. So it is quite an integrated and complex state that is physically manifested.

However, if I keep and place my focus on who I am within this process and physically manifested and integrated state, I empower myself to work with that part that I do have a direct influence on, namely who I am within and as myself, being and becoming aware of myself in participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions and from here, seeing how this is influencing myself and my physical body. Even that might be one step too far as this integrated relationship of mind-body-self is developed throughout time and so, several dimensions are active and/or already in an activated state at the same time through which it is still difficult to directly see how my mind-participation is of influence on this specific body-part. I do know that it is of influence but focussing on the finish is not of support for myself of that what I am able and need to walk in small steps in my daily life.

So here I find a sort of reset for walking process from what I have started to walk until now (which is about 3,5 -4 year). When we start walking process, we do not always know what we are stepping into and for me, I only saw and was clear that within the Desteni I Process I will be able to keep on walking with/as myself and others doing the same where in the mind-body relationship is considered. How exactly this will unfold will develop over time while walking and I notice it is more or less in the direction that I was already seeing at the start and at the same time, it is different than what I could comprehend and so much more encompassing as it is including everything. And this is what I did not have learned throughout my life, to include everything and everyone. This is what Life is doing, Life is including itself actually.

As long as I am excluding someone or something, within and/or without myself, I can be sure that I am not standing in oneness and equality in/as life. It is remarkable how something so ‘for the obvious’ can be so difficult to integrate within/as myself to really live and apply and it is even more remarkable how I and we as human beings have let it come this far, to this state of separation within and without.

There is no other solution than to walk it back and learn to understand, forgive and correct that what I have accepted and allowed, within and without myself and while doing so, stop the separation from myself as life. It is not only ‘me fixing my physical complains’ as it is an interconnected process that is including all and everything that exists. Which is starting at home, in my daily life. Where in it seems as if there are more important things to do than learning to communicate with the one’s living nearby. And so it is easy to let myself and my focus be distracted to ‘something bigger outside myself’ in which I unable myself to do anything. But I am able to something in my nearby environment and relationships. Everyday a bit. So that is where I start and move on. Actually I need to go even more inside, into the relationship with myself with and within my physical body as here, the whole universe is actually playing out, as so within so without. The without as a reflection from the within.

To be continued.


This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

change your angleThe mind-body relationship – Timeline


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