Dag 818 – What is underneath?

I was rereading my previous blog about patience – and I see I am slowly moving into a deeper level. I do not have a weekly blog writing at the moment; this due to time and many practical things that needed and still need to be done; however what I also and mainly see is that I am very much searching what to write about, where I am within me and how to define this, how to bring this into words. Some things I would like to firstly walk before I share it, to not compromise my own process by sharing too fast, before I am ready and clear within myself. Some things I can share along the way but it takes some time as I am walking it in physical reality and it only goes as fast as I go and walk through or open things up within myself.

What I do come into is seeing how under the impatience that I wrote about in the previous blog, there is a point that I actually have not allowed myself to admit, as that I am the cause, let’s say my starting-point – so who I am within the starting-point, is what I need to reconsider, forgive and change. So who I am within this, is causing me to create painful experiences and from here, creating a sadness as an energetic source for my mind consciousness system to generate energy from and keep cycling in it as an endless energy source, until I have totally worn myself out.

Here I need to admit that my approach was a default approach for almost all my life, so I actually wasted a lot of time and energy – physical energy, sourced from my physical body, into my mind, to use as entertainment or distraction in a way – that I could have used much more effectively to build something constructive. However that is easy to speak when looking back, as this is actually how the whole world is build on default, to generate energy and exhaust, worn out the physical resources, living from a mind’s perspective – where the mind turns everything around.

We get it reflected as results in our physical reality, we see it – I see it as the results are not what I would like it to be or what I see as my utmost potential, yet still I am recreating it – until I admit, that I myself am at fault, I have ‘build in’ my failure so to speak from the start, in and as my starting-point. Trying and trying and believing that it ‘has to be possible also on ‘my way’, where I am actually refusing or hesitating to give up on some idea or desire that I hide behind. Because when I give up this idea or desire, I open up a new area that I have never been or walked in before, so it is quite new and undefined and so it may feel uncomfortable because it is new, unknown and so it can not feel comfortable in and as my mind, because I have never walked it.

Besides that it feels uncomfortable, I expect some emotional painful experiences behind it as the reason why I closed off this area within and as myself however, to not ‘hold on’ to this expectation as if ‘it must be there’ and to keep ‘searching’ for it, but to simply allow myself to be here and ready for myself when something may open up, to allow myself to open up what is underneath.

As what I have seen before is what has caused some emotional pain, is also again coming from a (often copied) default system and from here, thinking and believing that ‘I did it all so wrong’ where there is often / mostly a point of innocence within it as well, of simply ‘not knowing’ or ‘never having learned how to do it’. But, this first step of admitting to myself that I am hiding behind some default patterns, that is a created ego-point that is up to me myself, to open up and move beyond. The door is open as they say; I need to decide if I walk into the depth of myself.

I believe that this is the hardest nut that we all need to crack and open up, this admitting to oneself that one was at default all the while – not by theory, as the theory is quite easy to grasp, but really seeing it within self, where and how holding on to the ego-point is keeping the door closed.

Still quite general – in time to come I will see if I can describe it more defined and example related.

Here the need comes up from inside myself to really forgive myself although I do yet even know where or how exactly – here I start with what I have written and often I then end up more specific:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself closed off from myself, to keep believing that ‘my way’ should be possible as well, although the results keep showing me a lesser outcome than the potential that I see existing within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a default programming that I copied, activated and lived for many many years, out of a desire that I have accepted and allowed as my goal, as something to reach, as something that I ‘should be able to’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to revenge as in not admitting that my way is the default way and that I need to reconsider and adapt my approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to open up a deeper layer within myself, out of revenge that I never ever want another to see this depth within me again, not seeing, realizing and understanding how I compromise myself as well and that I then also not will see this depth within me – the depth as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself off from the depth as me as a point of revenge of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame all and everything that this depth within and as me is hidden and locked in, when all the while, I made a decision to close off and lock in myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe, to ‘find’, that I am not enough, that me simply here is not enough and that ‘there is more’ that I can reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the ‘more as me’ as depth within and as myself as life and instead and because of this ‘missing out of me’, keep reaching out, searching for, forcing myself and what more, outside myself, in and as my mind, thinking and believing that ‘this is it’ because ‘it feels so good’ so this must be it, otherwise it would not feel so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of missing of something that feels so good, start believing that I need to have that too when all the while, this ‘feeling good‘ is not what it is about but more I did not have an example of how to connect and express myself, in and as the depth that is me, all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings, as something to reach, when all the while, I created this feelings as a way out of the misery of emotional suppression within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘self-hate’ in not being effective and then start living this out indirectly – so within creating dis-comforts within my physical body and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body to live out my suppressed emotions and then starting to use my physical discomfort as an excuse to not move myself beyond this self-created veil as a physical manifested barrier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am ‘too much’ when being me, when sharing freely and then looking in the mirror, as if I look not good enough to freely express myself, as if I ‘need to look good’ to allow myself to express myself from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let looks overrule my being within and as myself and use this as an excuse to not open up and share myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘look better’ than another to ‘feel better’ than another, not seeing, realizing and understanding how it here starts working against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘do it better than my parents’ in certain area’s and here, separating myself from the copied systems within myself as ‘what I judged’ and so actually weakening and imprisoning myself within what I have separated myself from at first, from what I have judged without and so suppressed within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own excuses as if I need to look good to share myself unconditionally where this ‘looking good’ I then have copied in my teenage years as ‘how I want to look’, as a way out to ‘do it better’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that the starting-point here is actually revenge and so it will backfire towards me, sooner or later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself, the life within me, to a mind’s idea of how I should look, created when the sex-system has been activated and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly submit myself as to how and what I think that a male would like from me, which I believe is having sex – when actually it is what I want and project on the male, not knowing how else to connect with a male and on which level, because I have closed off from my self in that depth within me and so actually using sex as a default-way to connect with the depth of / within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically submit myself to how I think what a man would like, when actually I submit myself to the sex-system within a man activated that is even stronger in many cases than in women / females, however when and as I submit myself to my own believes and weakness within this – out of a starting-point of revenge of wanting to do / be better – I at the same time submit to and even strengthen the system within a male as well, with all the disastrous consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the male when all the while, I activate, underline, confirm and even strengthen the sex-system within a male by chasing after an idea, created within my own activated sex-system as a ‘way out’ of the misery / suppression within.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my own ideas, desires, activations within and as myself and the point of revenge / separation / judgement within this, created in and as the activated sex-system at teenage years – to be walked through in real time, step by step, breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness, as the only and ultimate correction in and through real time and to check, forgive and correct myself with the reference of the results that I see as reflections arising in my daily life.

—————————————————————————————

Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 204 – Walking as a Buddy – and the fear coming up within this

Assisting as a buddy in the dip-lite course. Where I walked against an ego-point within myself that I didnot see as ego. Where I failed in giving an advise by speaking out of knowledge and information, without being able myself to walk this with the person in specifity but not realizing this, believing that I did the right thing, that I wrote down the right comment. Within this I let others pick up the person after me giving the comment. Well it is not a bad thing that others assist me within this, but I could have prevented this by cross-referencing about the person that I was buddying as I saw from the beginning that I was not the right person to buddy this person, but believing that I must be able to do so. And so within this passing my own capabilities, which is dangerous and coming forward out of ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on the writing of the person I was buddying, and within this reacting building up an ego-point which ended in giving a comment that was not immediately wrong but what was too much information given, not totally specified but concluded in a short way coming forward out of an overview that I have within knowledge and information within/as the mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself unable to get all the information in detail that is given within the interviews and blogwritings, that it is so much that I do not see myself as capable to read and grasp it all, and within this to doubt myself as being able to walk within specifity but only able to walk an overview in/as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself within the comment I gave to a person walking the dip-lite course, not seeing what I was doing at the moment I wrote the comment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in every moment that I have to slow down and realyy see into the situation what I can say and/or write and what not, that I cannot see just put down some information on someone if I am not 100% sure that the person is able to understand and work with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw the person, and so also myself, into depth without being sure if the person do have enough support to stand up in it and without being a 100% sure that I myself can walk with the person in detail as a support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to walk with a person in detail and to walk with myself in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cross-referencing for fearing giving the wrong answer, and so take the risk that it is the wrong answer by just writing it down, which can have a huge influence on the person which I write the comment by,

so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself in fear as more important than the life of another person which I am responsible for at the moment that I write down the comment, which is walking as a buddy in self-interest instead of walking as a buddy as a support what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not totally realize that I am 100 % responsible for every comment I write down, for every word I write and speak, but instead of this just write down what I assume is the best thing, forcing situations instead of leading it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force situations instead of leading it, where the forcing is coming forward out of the mind as consiousness, which is putting responsibility to others who have to correct what I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move my responsibility to another person by walking, speaking and writing in/as consiousness instead of taking full responsibility for/as myself as consiousness and only speak what I live in totality, which is actually the point that the person in dip-lite asked for as I see now within this writing, which triggered this point within me as ego-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I did the right thing by forcing the situation so that the person will move as I saw that there had to be a change somewhere, instead of cross-referencing the situation of the person with people who are available for this, to co-operatie within this and lead the situation into a situation that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk as an individual, to play alone, believing that I have to be able to do this, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can walk this process collectively and ask others, who have more stable experience in this, to support with aligning the process of the person who is walking dip-lite course and within this align my own process as walking a buddy within the dip-lite course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be thrown out as a buddy as not capable to buddy and assist other humans within their process in the dip-lite course and eventually in the dip-pro course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am already ready to be a buddy as I am trained to be a buddy within the support of others with natural medicine, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have the overview in the natural medicine and in the mind-processes, but not yet walked the details by myself and always find myself uncapable and having too little understanding and information of walking the detail and specifity of the body and mind-processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know to how ever become capable to walk in detail the body and mind processes, as it is so much information to grasp that I believe that I will never grasp it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to grasp it all before I can walk as a buddy as/for myself and others, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can walk as a buddy as far as I walked myself  and lived myself what I am speaking, as this is what I am able to walk with them as a living example, and that I can walk the detail what I walked myself in detail and for the rest leave the detail to others until I grasp it myself, and ask their support within this if I see I am not able to do it myself.

I commit myself to slow down within walking the process within myself, so that I can see more detail within my own mind/consiousness, which will support me to assist myself in stop participating within the mind-processes.

I commit myself to slow down in every comment I write to a person, and within this to be absolutely sure in what I write as the best thing, and if I am not, I ask for assistence to people who are placed in the possition to assist within this process.

I commit myself to cross-reference my comments if I am not 100% sure of what I am writing as I see that I not totally lived my own words.

I commit myself to only write what I see as that I am 100 % capable of to walk this as myself with the other person as a support. If I see that I cannot walk this process what I write and the eventually outcome of what I write, with the other person as a support, that I will not write this as this is than only writing out of knowledge and information. I realize that only if I am capable of walking my own words as a living example and to stand with the other person within the eventual outcome of my own words in totality, I am ready to write and speak these words as than I am speaking and writing as myself as what is best for all. If I have any doubt in this, I stop, I breathe, I cross-reference and/or give another comment that I can stand within as myself.

I commit myself to see in every comment I write if it is aligned with the material that is already given within the course to the person, and if I see that the person needs more supprt than is given within the course, I ask for assistence to the person who are placed in the position to assist with this.

I realize that I first walk my own process as walking my own mind, and if this is taking time, than it is so. As I see that I can only walk effectively as an example as a buddy for others as I walked the process myself first. This I combine with practising being a buddy within the dip-lite course with the assistence of Maya, Marlen, Lindsey and Robert if/when necessary which will support myself within my own process.

I commit myself to stop myself in walking as an individual within/as consciousness and to open up for walking collectively to support each other to stand up in/as life.

I commit myself to stop myself in/as fear to walk collectively as within fear I am only manipulating myself in/as consiousness to protect myself as a mindsystem in self-interest, which will not only have an affect on myself but also on other peoples life as the starting-point within this is self-interest, although it is coming forward out of fear. I realize I as fear as consiousness will keep myself in position as fear as consiousness as protection – which is not even a real protection – but a protection as an illusion in/as self-interest.

Whenever I see the fear coming up, I stop, I breathe. I am gentle with myself and see what I fear, so I can support myself with walking out of this fear as an illusion, as I realize this fear will not bring me safety at all but is coming up as an indication that I seperated myself within a point of self-interest as an illusion of protection, which is giving the fear of loosing this illusion of self-interest as protection.

I commit myself to slow down myself and stay with myself within this fear as seperation and not leave myself alone within this fear without considering what is going on, as I leave myself behind, I am seperating myself even more and create more fear within this. So I stay with myself, I breathe, I see what I fear, I see my desire and what I fear within this as the opposite (thanks Larry), and walk myself out of this fear, breathe by breathe untill it’s done, no matter how long it takes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave myself behind in fear in seperation of myself within myself, where I created the opposite of self-trust which is self-fear, and within this fearing myself as consiousness as the mind in seperation of myself as life and making myself inferior as myself as consiousness.

I commit myself to take myself serious as a mindsystem as consiousness, as I see, realize and understand that I created myself within this, and I have to take responsibility for what I created myself, otherwise the creation will suppress the creator in/as fear, which is not necessary as I am the creator in the first place. Within this I see that creator and creation are equal, and within this able to co-operate to stop the seperation between creator and creation as what is best for All as creater AND creation, as I see they are equal and become one if there is no longer a seperation between them as fear.

So within the fear, there is the key to stop the fear as seperation, to walk together, creator and creation, in supporting each other equally to become one as self as life.

——————————————————————————————————————

Proces van zelfverandering:
www.desteniiprocess.com / http://www.lite.desteniiprocess.com
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
www.eqafe.com
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life