Dag 675 – The mind-body relationship – Heaviness

heaviness Andrew.jpg

(Art by Andrew Gable)

There started a serie interviews through the Portal within the series of The Atlanteans about Heaviness and also in a chat in the physical health group of Desteni, the experience of heaviness is mentioned by several participants in having an influence on the physical condition. For myself as well I see the experience of heaviness related to physical conditions and here I decided to start to open this up within writing.

I do not have a clear overview from how this experience of heaviness is related to my physical condition so I start with the things that I do see, I start with what is here.

Problem:

What I do notice is that when my body and especially my large intestine is not having an optimum movement, I experience myself within my body as very heavy and almost not able to move myself. Each step is an effort and I prefer laying down instead of standing or walking and breathing is more difficult. Which is not so when I feel physically ‘good’, I then enjoy standing, walking, breathing.

I see here how this is already a consequence of what has happened before within my mind, that I did not effectively direct within and as myself but more suppressed it and so, I actually make my body literally heavy by suppressing the emotional energy, putting it on my body and in this case, on my large intestine where I store the energy. This I experience as a ‘cramp’ in the muscle fiber of the large intestine, well this is how I see it this far. Then when there is bowel-movement, it passes this area, this cramped muscle fiber where the energy is stored; the movement pushes the waste through this narrowed area which gives experiences of physical pain (because the passage is too narrow for a comfortable bowel-movement in several places at such moment) and also, each time the waste is passing this area, it ‘touches’ the emotional energy that is stored there.

Here I tend to not want to move physically to prevent myself from experiencing the physical pain/discomfort and emotional energy stored within my body and so the ‘delay’ enlarges and eventually, becomes worse. This is giving an overal experience of heaviness on a physical level that eventually gives an experience of dullness and ‘sleepiness’ in/as the mind. When I then sleep more than physically needed, I suppress myself/my beingness within/as the mind and so, it becomes more difficult for myself to access the suppressed emotions. It is suppressed within my body and ‘hidden behind’ the mind-body defense mechanism.

Actually the whole body is interconnected so if this situation stays too long, it will influence other body-functions as well. In this way it becomes a circle in itself which needs to be accessed to create some movement somewhere to be able to open up the mind-related points and suppressed emotions. It needs a constant pushing through to not stay in this physical heavy experiences, that in itself can create a fear again and a ‘constant moving out of fear’ that then in itself contributes to the constriction on a physical level.

In the next blog I will start with some self-forgiveness on the overal experience of heaviness to release the emotional energy as how is suggested in this interview to start with as part of the solution. Here in I will also start to investigate the suppresion of emotions as negative energetic experiences stored in the body and the polarity with the feelings as positive energetic experiences in/as the mind.

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Related blog about my physical body and the interconnection with my mind and being:

Dag 672 – My mind-being-body awareness speaking

body-organs

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Proces van zelfverandering:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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De Kronieken van Jezus

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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:
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http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
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Uil forgive

 

 

 

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Dag 672 – My body-being-mind awareness speaking

leuke-plaatjes-mensen-organen-792827455

I have asked for an individualised interview through the Portal with my physical body and especially with my large intestine, so that I can understand more what is going on within my physical body and use symptoms as support for myself to walk through certain patterns within the mind consciousness system in/as myself.

“My large intestine is speaking in the fore-ground but my whole mind-being-body awareness on a very deep level comes through to explain how this interrelated connection is set up within/as me. All my organs are under pressure in different ways and this has been so for most of my life because of the emotional suppressed transferences.”

“Each time I access an emotion or feeling this gets discharged, channeled, layered, stored in the physical body. Within most people, the emotional and feeling energy gets channeled through the ‘muscle energy highways’ through the muscles and through the veins of the physical body. So for most people the mind consciousness energy moves through the muscles. This is so because the muscle tissue is strong and more absorbant, detailed and specific in its structure and geomatry to absorb, channel, discharge, layer, move the mind-consciousness energy as one access it in real time moments. Like networks and train-tracks in the muscle tissue group of the physical body.”

“Within my physical body, my mind did not set up my emotional and feeling energy bodies movements and channeling and networking and absorbtion through the muscle groups but through the organs. The heart, intestines, stomach, bladder, kidneys, liver are doing the work that the rest of my body should actually be doing. It is a generational thing, meaning that there are some people within my past generations who have also had this problem. It is not life threathening and it allowed me to on an early age have an awareness of my emotional and feeling energy and where in I do get emotional but not allow myself to be too much overwhelmed or pulled into emotions and feelings, but am quickly able to slow myself down and look at things with clarity.  So this one could call a ‘gift in disguise’.”

“The physical consequense of this ‘set up’ is that my organs have been most of my life a bit under pressure –  but throughout my life, my body reasonably adapted; it strengthened my intestines, heart, organs. As explained has my muscle tissue not been used as a ‘muscle energy highway’ and because of not being used for this, the muscle tissue deteriorated to some degree; this because a lot of muscle development has been preprogrammed to be in line with the development and evolution of the mind where the muscles are normally be used by the mind consciousness system (and so ‘strengthening’ in a way). This is causing for the rest of my muscles and physical body to be and feel more ‘weak’ or less strong.”

This first part of the interview is clarifying a lot of what I am walking from about the age of 16 (I am 42, almost 43 at the moment). I have taken on everything I could to investigate and support my organs, all related within the area of natural medicine and I am still working in this environment. I did not know of this set up as how it is described within the interview. But I did notice that ‘something was not as how it should be’ when I looked at my physical condition and this in relation to my life in general. I did find out pretty early that certain organ manifestations were related to emotional experiences and I noticed in some degree the suppression there of within myself; I also found out later in life that feeling experiences influenced me physically very much so I could not allow myself to really dive into feelings as for example are coming up in a so called ‘love relationship’ as I could phycically not handle the energy within my body for let’s say more than a week. So I often was within situations where I or the other stopped this relationship-process somehow. Which in itself I saw as a pattern and that bothered me a lot, because I did not really nor completely understand how I could support myself through.

With the natural medicine and food alignments I have through the years found ways to support, strengthen and stabilize my organs more or less (where in my physical condition and some organs had been weakened pretty much in my late twenties and begin thirties) but during this I noticed that there was a mind-influence that I could not get a hold on and so, the physical support is only ‘working’ to some degree. I did see a direct relation with symptoms within my organs and what I did not understood, is how I could have so much physical influence of my mind and others not, while of course I have my emotional patterns as everyone else, but I did not see them as so much more extensive than others, but sometimes started to believe that they are in someway. So this is all creating extra energy again of reacting to what happens within my body without really understanding how it works. Which is influencing my organs again, etc.

I do see now why I saw the mind-body relationship direclty within myself. I did not understand how it could not be recognized by many others because within myself, it was obvious existing. I do now understand how this can be set up differently. Standing up and finding solutions for what we sense in a way, is however another story. I can describe it now as that I need my own beingness-direction here and I can only find myself within and while walking through the mind and learn how I have manifested this within my physical body. We all have things within ourselves that we do ‘sense’ but cannot see completely by ourself alone. The information given within this interview is one example of this. I do need support in this and so has everyone points where support from others is needed.

When I started walking the Desteni I Process, I noticed to have finally found a structure and support to really get to know and support myself within this trinity of the mind-being-body relationship and I continue walking this until it is done, for myself and others. But only now with the information of my mind-being-body awareness itself on a very deep level through the Portal, I do understand why I physically experience myself as how I do. It supports me to accept the physical consequenses and I do no longer need to ‘blame’ myself for it – something that I could not really forgive myself for because I did not really understand the set up within my body and how it is related to my physical condition and mind patterns.

So, I have a new starting-point to walk from now within this mind-being-body interconnectedness; things that I could not really place into context are opening up and I am grateful for this – where in my organs will be of support to walk through different personality systems. In the second part of the interview, the large intestine is giving more detailed information of personality systems related to this organ, which is something that I need to take on at the moment. I will not expand on this here as it is something that I first need to investigate, forgive and walk through for myself.

At the same time I will move on with the physical support and alignment as how I have learned myself to do throughout the years as a physical basic-platform. I do no longer need to worry about why my muscles are not really building up but will see if I can keep them stable and in form as they are and how I am already doing, to keep on walking my life and process in/as the physical on earth.

So for whomever is having questions that you would like to see clarified as a support to understand (and so forgive) yourself and your physical body, I can really suggest an individualised or private interview through the Portal. This combined with walking the Desteni I Process as self-support to start walking with and through your mind, into the physical body. As a way to start walking towards and standing up in oneness and equality with and as Life as a whole.

And to learn that we are able to support ourselves and each other within this, that we are able to change within and as ourselves to what is best for all, slowly, together yet alone, alone yet together, if we are willing to do so. The ones who are reading this blog, are most likely belonging to the group of people that do have the possibility to already start, this with regards to our position in this world and related to money and basic needs providence.

I find it the greatest gift to learn how to support myself and stand together with others within this. Will it be challenging? Yes. For sure. For myself I can say, it is as challenging as what I had to walk before, alone with myself and only a few others and it is only getting better while I understand more and more of myself and because of walking with already many others around the world who have made the same decission to do so. Within this I am an example that one is able to face oneself within one’s emotions without getting lost in it. I have faced pretty much of it and still need to open up all the things I have suppressed. A process that my organs will support me with.

Desteni I Process Lite

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Full mind consciousness being awareness back to basics

Mind, Consciousness, Being & Awareness – Back to Basics

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Proces van zelfverandering:
http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
Facebook:
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Uil forgive

 

 

Dag 589 – The mind-body relationship – The pain of allowance, within and without

remove-the-cords-self-change-deschooling-desteni_thumb

Yesterday evening around 10 pm, a cramping pain came up in the large intestine at the height of the right ovarium. This is a place where from time to time, I experience cramping. It is a cramping that asks all my attention and I need to sit down and look what is going on where the sitting gives some physical support on my lower back (which is comfortable, especially because I am also having my period). In the hours before there did not so much happen, I had written out a time-line within my DIP Pro lesson and I did not experience a particulair emotion. So I started to look back through the day to see if I could find anything related. I do this by focussing on the pain and ‘scroll’ within myself through moments during the day that stood out for me. I also from time to time, lay down on the ground or on the bed and push firm and gentle on the painfull spot to see what emotion is stored here, especially when it is coming up in the morning and I often find it related to ‘sentences’ as assumptions with related emotions that I have stored in the past without being aware of it and/or without willing to be aware of it.

However yesterday night I started with scrolling through the past day. I entered a moment, looked into possible reactions/emotions within myself and see if there is any movement within the specific/painfull area. I entered a conversation that I had with a woman at work that made an impression on me. The woman had been in the store once before for some physical support and she came back for some new products and told me that what we had discussed and that what she took home, was giving the support that was required. She told me that she wanted to ask me a question and that I could decide to answer or not answer. Her question was how many males and females talks to me about sexual abuse and how much this subject is, from my perspective, ‘in the open’ so to speak. She shared that she was writing a book about the subject of sexual abuse and she mentioned some numbers that were very high and that The Netherlands is one of the countries where it takes place very often. She mentioned how investigations gave numbers of relations between for example intestine-problems and sexual abuse and between crimes and sexual abuse, meaning that from 70% of the intestine-problems and from the crimes that took place, there was sexual abuse involved where in females tend to manifest this more intern (physical) as problems and where males tend to manifest it more extern as problems as ‘crimes’.

I was deeply touched by what she mentioned, also in relation to the amount of males that are subject of sexual abuse, used as a way to control, for example in war-area’s and how they rarely speak about it because ‘they should be the ones that are protecting the family’.

A few months ago, I noticed a similar physical reaction within myself, related to facing the abuse in the world in/as a ‘wake-up moment’ and suppressing my reaction on this as supressing/hiding the reaction of pain for what is happening in this physical world and I experience this suppression as cramping inside the lower area’s of the large intestine where I can hardly stand anymore, I need to sit or lay down and support myself to release the pain.

This previous event was related to animal-abuse and happened while I was listening/realising how the chickens that everyone is eating on a daily base, are treatened and prepared. As soon as I allow myself to face the abuse in the world and allow myself to experience the related emotional pain, the physical pain releases. Actually in this moment, I stop the separation here within and as myself – the separation from my emotional reaction on the abuse in and as this world – and as soon as I stop suppressing my emotional reaction and instead, start taking responsibility for my reaction in and as the application/living of self-forgiveness, I stop the abuse on myself/my physical body. This was also yesterday evening. I look, I see, I allow myself to experience the emotional pain and if necessary, speak out self-forgiveness until it is releasing and/or to find where the pain is related to.

There was also a personal aspect related to the mentioning of the relationship between sexual abuse and intestine-problems. It was a realization inside myself as ‘you see, it is indeed related’. In my life, there has not been taken place some actual physical sexual abuse, however at a young age there were incidents from sexual intimidation within for my experience an ‘innocent relationship’, where the incidents have been of great influence on my behaviour and general expression. It was all so very subtile that it is easily to be surpressed and ‘swept’ away as ‘of not so much importance’ and at the same time I am/was every moment aware of the influence that I allowed it to have on me, in almost every aspect of myself. Lately I am facing more of the incidents/events as memories and within this seeing how and where to take responsibility for myself in it and stop defining myself as how I reacted within this events which I developped into a personality.

The realization gave a release of the guilt that I experienced with regards to my physical conditions as having a sensitive digestion and spastic colon, as if ‘everything was my own fault’ in this. It is not ‘my fault’ but it is indeed and only my responsibility to take care of myself within this condition as my physical body that I live in. I am the only one who is responsible for myself and/as my mind in and as my physical body, as I am the only one who can see how I created all the relationships within and as myself, from and as memories as events during my life and although there is DNA involved and preprogramming, it is still the mind that I allowed to evolve in and as myself and the body that I live in and that is my responsibility; only I live day and night with and as myself, in and as my physical body that I can call ‘mine’ in a way, so it is my responsibility to take care of, in and as myself (where we should take into consideration how everyone and everything is of influence on each other in this physical existance and how easily this physical existance can be harmed).

There are many dimensions involved here where in the suppression of emotional reactions do have an influence on my physical body, that I have allowed myself many times throughout my live, if I take in consideration the condition of a the spastic colon that I have allowed/created to exist in and as myself. Central in this, is the acceptance and allowance of the emotional reactions as self-abuse, as reactions on abuse that is happening ‘to me’ and/or that is happening in this world and from here, suppressing it within my physical body where I try to separate myself from the experiences that gives and showes the pain and abuse. Which is actually a form of denial. Because, “Once you’ve Allowed Abuse, you’ll become Abuser”.

(Source: Interviews from the Farm 60: Candida and Self abuse)

The pain and abuse that we accept and allow within this existence, we can not deny and hide from it; it is here within ourselves, within and as our physical bodies.

Accept and Allow – Contract with Death: Day 22

Accepteren en Toestaan – Het Contract met de Dood: Dag 22 (vertaling)

desteni-i-process

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

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Zelfeducatie free:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 411 – Speaking myself through the top of a headache and see further

female symbol

Some days ago I started to see how within the whole condition of my intestines there are related emotions towards an experience of inferiority of myself as a female towards males. It was still vague and very deep located in the body, and I was somehow aware of this always, but is was also always ‘there’ so to speak, so at the same time, I was not really aware of it that one of the dimensions of the tense in my intestine is related to this experience.

I spoke quite a lot of self-forgivenesses through the day and the point started to move, and I also felt it related to the liverfunction, as some kind of emotional suppression within myself which gives my liver a difficult time to do it’s job properly ( in energetic test-results it shows often that the liver need some support in the function of detoxification). However I felt I did not really move through. At night I had a chat with my buddy, and we discussed the point. She gave me some blogs of her where she had written out a similar point some time ago.

Today my period started and I woke up with a slight headache on the background; I have this more often right before and/or at the beginning of the period; even so had my mother, it was actually the only thing that she complained about from what I remember as a child, and when here periods stopped because of the menopause, she has very seldom headaches anymore. This specific headache is started within the muscles on top of my shoulder (muscules trapezius), goes to the occiput-bones, and is also connected to some points within my large intestine where cramps are located. From what I understood from a tradionional chinese medicin practiser and also feel within my own body, is that the points are all located on the liver-meridian.

If I moved slowly and focus on relaxing my shoulders and stopping the thinking every time, the headache was ‘bearable’, and I did my daily tasks in a slow way. I had a chat with Larry and I discussed some of this point with him, and still felt in this how I was not really able to move and express within this point, and actually felt myself sitting back within this experience of inferiority as a female towards a male (which is not an experience that I have particulair towards him, it is more general existing on the background within myself, which gives a sense of ‘control’ in the communication with a male).

So afterwards, I decided to read the blogs that my buddy send me. I read them out loud and in between I added self-forgiveness on the points I saw coming up within me, related to this point. Halfway the speaking of the blogs, the area in and around my intestines became warm, emotions came up, and I could speak myself through the top of the headache while speaking the self-forgiveness. I saw why it was not something that I could write myself easily, as it where points coming up that I had not really lived myself but more points that I was actually ‘holding myself back from’, as it are points that I had seen my mother participating in quite extremely, not so much in angryness as well in a direct giving up on herself on forehand, before even speaking to the male, in and as a starting point of ‘not being listened to’, and vice versa, my father was not an ‘angry’ person at all, but could have a particular stubborn way of expressing and/or actually not expressing. So most of these signs took more place in a ‘not expressing’ rather than in expressing through angryness and other emotional voiced words.

And for myself, I tried to keep myself away as much as possible from this ‘behaviour’ coming forward out of an experience of inferiority and ‘not being listened to’,  where in I do become angry when this experience is triggered, and so in reality keeping this meant that i tried to keep  myself away from a relationship with a male that really had a chance to succeed.

I will keep on investigating this point as this is only opening up, and share some more about it if and when a point comes up that I need to write out more specificly. So far this is a moment of witnessing for myself of how to speak myself through (the top of) a physical point with the speaking and reading out load of self-forgiveness which gives relieve of the physical pain/discomfort and support to let go the stored emotional energetic experience that gives the pain and discomfort. it is also a witnesssing of how blogs from others can assist and support in walking through points inside ourselves within sounding the self-forgiveness out loud for and within ourselves, even though the words might be slightly ‘personally different’ placed; the construct is basicly the same as a construct of the experience of female-inferiority against male-superiority which is widely lived, played out, constructed and build up within and as the mind-consciousness-system within and so in and as this world-system without.

Related blogs that I read out load:

Who I am in Relation to MEN as Patriarchs: DAY 130

Why Women Use Emotional Manipulation: DAY 131

Why Women become Submissive in Discussions with Males: DAY 132

Some self-forgiveness on the most prominent points coming up within and as my own memories related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so powerless when and as I see my mother going into in what I perceive as a submissive attitude before she even started to speak about something with my father, and within this, starting to reject my mother in and as this behaviour, as I did not want to have something to do with what I saw and felt so powerless in, and so trying in and as rejecting, to keep myself away from this submission towards the male, in and as a belief that if I keep myself seperated from it, it could not really effect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel really compassion for my mother in and this behaviour as what I saw as so hopeless unable to express herself and stand up, which is a feeling that I did not allow myself to really feel and stand up in, because I myself did not know how to express myself and stand up, and so, I rejected her and within this, seperated myself from this experience of hopelessness and desperation in and as belief in the incapability of expressing self and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and so perceive myself as incapable of really directing myself in and as self-expression, while at the same time, I know and am aware of my capability to stand up in this, which gives and has given a friction and conflict within myself for so long, seperated in a vision of myself which is not compatible with how I am living myself within reality every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopelessly sad and suppressed when I see my father as what I perceive as ‘stuck within himself, not being able to express himself’, while I see as what I interpreted as the friction, stuckness and disempowerment on his face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck inside myself when and as I am not able to express myself looking at my father, which gives an experience of friction, stuckness and disempowerment within myself from which I believe I am not allowed to stand up in, because when I do stand up in this, I leave my father alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for the experience that I perceived within my father but actually was experiencing within myself, of feeling stuck, frictioned and disempowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze inside whenever I hear the subtile manipulations and little nasty tonations and words between my parents which are build up inside and so find a way out, because of this incapability of open and frank self-expression with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply and endless sad because of an experience of being caught within this pattern between my parents, feeling unable to change anything within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted so badly that my parents had a ‘happy and open’ marriage and if this was not possible, that they then better could have a divorce so that this pattern could be broken through and that I did no longer need to sit in between.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a divorce as the only option as solution for the problem to open up the situation in and as communication, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived myself the ‘solution of leaving a relationship’ as the only way that I saw to solve the problem as opening up the situation, experienceing myself as unable to stay and open up myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I am better of alone’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself caught in between my parents where in it even looks like that I enlarge the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I enlarge the pattern between my parents, and within this, make myself, in and as this believe, responsible for their incapability to communicate effectively together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and feel myself responsible for what I see as their incapability to communicate effectively with each other, but when I asked my mother sometimes about it, she denied everything and said she had no problems at all with it, while at the same, in the rare moments that my father expressed himself openly in his dissatisfaction and disappointment about things in his life, first thing that my mother said was ‘don’t be so negative’, and so, the communication was suppressed immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the communication with my mother by acting like ‘I am fine’ and by not really listening and or waving away her expression when she did express her dissatisfaction about little things in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to touch my fathers protectionmechanism as for me it feels like so much accumulation that it is almost imbearable and so, I should tiptoe around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I perceive as the imbearable load of what my father is suppressing inside himself as emotions and feelings and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself the imbearable load of what I am suppressing inside myself as emotions and feelings, instead of seeing, realising, and understanding how only the suppressing and accumulation makes it unbearable as being ‘too much’, while walking it through one by one, it becomes something that I am able to do and actually that everyone is/will be able to do if the tools of how to do this are provided.

*

Next day my shoulders and neck feel like ‘having more space’ to move around, the headache is still gone, and also the few hours of menstruationpain in the belly that I often have at start, did not come up this month. The tension and delay in the large intestine is still here although there is a layer on top opening up a bit, which is a point I will keep on investigating for and within myself, layer after layer.

After finishing this blog, a very intense cramping pain is coming up inside my intestine, so I lay down on the floor, push soft but constant on the pain-point, hold my legs against me to come deeper within my body and start investigating and applying self-forgiveness untill the cramp relieves, push through when the pain is unbearable, push and stay, push and stay, not giving up this time, because as Bernard says, when you cannot have it anymore, you have to push through, and so I do, it must be here, if there is a pain, there is something suppressed; until I see something of myself as who I am and within this, the cramping gives in, starts moving and releasing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in a moment of revenge (from with I do not have a direct memory, I can only see the direction within the experience which is from a very young age) choose between my father and mother, and within this, play them out against each other in and as my mind,  where in I try to hold on to my father and push anway my mother, but my father is gone, he is not here and because I have already choosen, I cannot go back, and so I have to protect myself in and as this ‘choice between’, caught within polarity in and as the mind, welcome to the evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have made ‘the wrong choice’, where in I perceive, think and believe that I cannot go back, I don’t know how to go back, and so I keep on following this pattern my whole life, playing it out within relationships where in I every time again ‘choose’ for the male who is unavailable, ‘not here’ and leave the male who is staying next to me no matter what, where in I end up alone and within this creating an experience of eternal sadness – which I know now, is generating energy within myself – and for a long time blaming my mother for the whole set up within myself, because she is the only one that is still here and involved in it within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret to not really see how my mother was always standing with me – with her ‘faults’ of course but she was here – because I turned away from her, looking for the one that was missing, believing that he must be somewhere, I felt ‘this love’ inside, I know ‘he loves me’, so where is he?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand where he is and why he is not coming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not finding him, for pushing him/my father away, and so she has to ‘pay for it’, and so I push her away, even so as I blamed her for doing this – an eye for an eye – within and as my perceive and believe that she ‘did this to me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand and believe that I did this to me, to my father and my mother in and as my mind; that I trapped myself within this fall, the fall of the mind in and as an eternal revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away in and as a moment of scare within myself for myself as who I am in and as revenge, in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to my father in an undefined moment with my mother that I felt threathened by her, but he is not here, I cannot find him and so I have nowhere to go but to go into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that leaving brings a solution as safety, instead of seeing, realising and understanding, that within leaving, going into and as the mind, I make myself vulnerable for every manipulation in, as and of the mind and ‘loose my safety’ as being here, equal and one with and as the physical at the moment that I choose to leave where at the same time, from now on I need to ‘protect’ myself as who I am in and as this decision of leaving as what is not best for all, so I need to ‘keep on leaving’ to keep the pattern alive as protectionmechanism from seeing myself in the face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay in and as the experience of fear of lost, because I choose to leave and lost myself within this in and as the physical within this one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive my father on forehand for everything and to blame my mother on forehand for everything and within this, giving my self-directivess away, creating separation and conflict within and without myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep looking for love outside myself that I perceived I lost once while searching for my father ‘to protect me’, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that it was an experience inside myself, reflecting with and as my father, and so looking outside myself is only seperating myself in and as projection on another human being, even if it happens as a very young child with my father, the principle is the same.

I commit myself to forgive myself the layers upon layers that I created within myself after taking my breath away, and correct myself evenso in and as stopping the revenge in the moment when it comes up, perhaps suppressed in and as a physical pain, investigating and forgiving it specific, until and where in I, slowly but surely, stand up, equal to who I am as the mind, to enable myself to become equal to and one with and as life in and as the physical as what is best for all as life.

I commit myself to stop leaving, to stay here and sort out myself.

To be continued within myself as the pain is moving and opening up a little.

Thank you.

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Male Ego

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Female Ego

enjoying the day

Desteni-I-Process-Lite

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
Leefbaar Inkomen Gegarandeerd:
www.facebook.com/BasisinkomenGegarandeerdDoorEqualLifeFoundation
Equal Life Foundation:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/