Dag 758 – Looking within self

A short update of the inner process that I walk day by day, looking within myself what comes up in moments and how it can play out if I am not aware of my thoughts and emotions.

Last week I had more of an insight what goes on within me, before I go into an interpretation and so, reaction towards a situation but actually, towards my own created interpretation of a situation. An aspect that I found is that I was sort of ‘speaking up’ of what I would not go into anymore, however what I saw quite fast after this and actually already while doing so, is that it was more that I had not yet stand up in it for and within myself and really decided for myself what I would accept and allow and what not. And then I go into a projection towards another or towards a situation as in a ‘speaking up’ in that moment, which is then actually creating a possibility for conflict or consequences.

I did see how I could do differently and then within voicing myself about a certain point, in a moment to come, which then is supportive for myself as well as it can be for another, but I had already build up energy that I was now releasing in this ‘speaking up’ and in this way no longer accepting and allowing something within myself, however I used the situation as a mirrow to start seeing how it was all about me in that moment.

The remarkable thing is that I realized some of it in the moment that I started to build it up in the same day earlier, where a thought was activated within me and from here an emotion arised, from where I went into an ‘expectation’ that it would play out as how I was feeling about it. And from here, very fast, I created the situation in a way where in I played out my own expectation.

Luckily the other who was involved did not go into it with me and only described what happened on their side and from here I could easily bring the point back to myself and voice myself in taking responsibility for the situation and for the emotion that I recognized as jealousy coming up, which is something to investigate further within/for myself as it has many aspects in it I may not have directly recognized as jeaulousy, however it has a destructive energy in it.

The cool part of this small situation and my interpretation playing out, is that in doing so and taking the responsibility and sharing about it while walking, it is giving a more equal standing with who I am sharing this, as it gives an insight of what I walk inside myself and then shows how we are all having similar challenges within ourselves with facing our own interpretations and emotions coming up. I find this gives for each who is involved, more space to understand oneself and each other without going into judgements.

More challenges to come, however also cool to recognize the progress within self and each other.

I can truly say that what I am now writing about is the result of walking the Desteni I process for years now, where in I actually can see a ‘mind-construct’ playing out within myself as something that I have learned to walk within the writings in the lessons and in the blogs as well (and what I am still doing). It is an effective way of getting to know myself in who I am in my mind and how my mind-being-body relationship is existing and influencing me every day and then being able to take responsibility for myself in this as in learning to give myself direction within and as this internal relationships in a way that is considering and caring the life within and without.

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Dag 607 – The mind-body relationship – When will I succeed?

wortel voorhouden

Last week I was hosting a Google Hangout about the subject Breathing and The Body. Afterwards we noticed that it were actually two subjects that we discussed in one hangout that became longer than the time I planned to stay within. However for the rest we were all three (Maite, Martijn and I) satisfied about the content and discussions.

Before starting about the body, Maite suggested to keep an eye on how I placed the relationship between physical symptoms and walking process, to not put it as ‘walking process to solve physical problems/symptoms/complains’ but more focus on how the physical symptoms can function as a guide within who I am in relationship to myself and my physical body. Although this was also my starting-point towards this subject, I noticed that within one question, I mixed these two approaches a bit through each other where in I saw that unaware, I was still pushing the point of wanting to ‘solve my physical complains’ through walking process and actually, I want it NOW lol and this playing out each day again, waiting for this to happen.

One can imagine that this is giving pressure on myself and my physical body and within this, I noticed that I was waiting for myself to ‘succeed’ in this and if not, I would not yet allow to really stand for and share what I am walking in/as this process of self-realization, because as long as the physical complains are here and/or are coming back or even may come back, I did not really succeed and so, not allowed by myself to stand and share.

Here I do not take everything into consideration, I fear to do so because what if there are aspects and dimensions that make it impossible to completely ‘solve’ these physical complains during my life in/as the physical? Then I will never be able to ‘succeed’ so to speak. This is the problem with trying to reach a ‘good health’ as it is like a picture of a carriage with a donkey in front of it who is walking behind a carrot on a line, the carrot is holded right before it’s nose but as the donkey walks, the carrot goes foreward because it is carrying the carriage with the one who is holding the line and so, the donkey will not be able to eat the carrot. Or, walking in circles actually, the circles of consiousness. To clarify that animals are not walking behind a carrot but we as humans are doing so in/as the mind while sitting on the box of the carriage, holding the line with the carrot and this picture is a projection of our human mind as how we as humans are in/as the mind, directing life by how we are walking in circles and focus on the result that we project in/as the mind instead on focussing on who are are in/as life within the walking.

Here I notice that I fear to have to live with the physical complains from a spastic colon through all my live. And this fear I am projecting forward as an already created road for myself where in I keep myself prison in/as an experience of fear and so, in/as the mind. Which will enlarge the tension on the large intestine. In which I will enlarge the experience of not succeeding ever.

Theoretical it is not so difficult to grasp, however in the moment of finding myself within the uncomfortability of the spastic state and within this, an unability to release myself from the physical waste (poo), I am having the most difficulties with who I am in relation to myself and my physical body, It is also already an accumulated situation where in I was not aware yet of how I exactly build the tension in the days before, mixed with an accumulation build up throughout my whole life and foundated with some predisposition within the large intestine coming from the familiy-line. So it is quite an integrated and complex state that is physically manifested.

However, if I keep and place my focus on who I am within this process and physically manifested and integrated state, I empower myself to work with that part that I do have a direct influence on, namely who I am within and as myself, being and becoming aware of myself in participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions and from here, seeing how this is influencing myself and my physical body. Even that might be one step too far as this integrated relationship of mind-body-self is developed throughout time and so, several dimensions are active and/or already in an activated state at the same time through which it is still difficult to directly see how my mind-participation is of influence on this specific body-part. I do know that it is of influence but focussing on the finish is not of support for myself of that what I am able and need to walk in small steps in my daily life.

So here I find a sort of reset for walking process from what I have started to walk until now (which is about 3,5 -4 year). When we start walking process, we do not always know what we are stepping into and for me, I only saw and was clear that within the Desteni I Process I will be able to keep on walking with/as myself and others doing the same where in the mind-body relationship is considered. How exactly this will unfold will develop over time while walking and I notice it is more or less in the direction that I was already seeing at the start and at the same time, it is different than what I could comprehend and so much more encompassing as it is including everything. And this is what I did not have learned throughout my life, to include everything and everyone. This is what Life is doing, Life is including itself actually.

As long as I am excluding someone or something, within and/or without myself, I can be sure that I am not standing in oneness and equality in/as life. It is remarkable how something so ‘for the obvious’ can be so difficult to integrate within/as myself to really live and apply and it is even more remarkable how I and we as human beings have let it come this far, to this state of separation within and without.

There is no other solution than to walk it back and learn to understand, forgive and correct that what I have accepted and allowed, within and without myself and while doing so, stop the separation from myself as life. It is not only ‘me fixing my physical complains’ as it is an interconnected process that is including all and everything that exists. Which is starting at home, in my daily life. Where in it seems as if there are more important things to do than learning to communicate with the one’s living nearby. And so it is easy to let myself and my focus be distracted to ‘something bigger outside myself’ in which I unable myself to do anything. But I am able to something in my nearby environment and relationships. Everyday a bit. So that is where I start and move on. Actually I need to go even more inside, into the relationship with myself with and within my physical body as here, the whole universe is actually playing out, as so within so without. The without as a reflection from the within.

To be continued.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

change your angleThe mind-body relationship – Timeline

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
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https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

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Dag 533 – Fear of not being understood

Mooie-papegaaien-achtergronden-hd-papegaaien-wallpapers-13I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being understood which brings me to the experience of needing to ‘explain myself’ to make myself clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share from the point of wanting to be understood and so, expecting something from another instead of unconditionally sharing myself within the things that I am already able to.

See more at: Dag 530 – Sharing a hidden pattern

When and as I see myself participating in fear to not be understood before I want to share something, I stop and breathe.

I realize that this is simply a thought, based on a memory of not being understood in the past which I took personally.

I realize that ‘not been understood’ does not say anything about who I am, it may only point out that 1. I could practise on how to bring into words what I see that I could share and 2. that another might not be ready or even willing to understand what I share, which is fine.

I commit myself to stop participating in the fear as a thought that I am not being understood when I want to share something.

I commit myself to practise bringing into words what I see that I am ready to share.

I commit myself to forgive myself my reactions on another person who is not ready or willing to understand what I share.

I commit myself stop taking the reactions of another as not understanding me personally and see if I can improve something within myself in my way of sharing.

When and as I see myself going into an expectation of wanting to be understood when I share something, I stop and breathe.

I realize that within going in expectation I expect another being to be like me, to stand in my shoes, instead of me standing in the shoes of the other being.

I commit myself to stop expecting another being to be like me and to stand in my shoes in understanding what I share.

I commit myself to stand in the the shoes of another being with who I share something and see what it is that I could share and how I best could share this.

I commit myself to share myself unconditionally, when and as I am stable and within the points that I have walked for myself and so that I am clear and stable in.

Dag 232 – Stop participating in a thought as a memory

Mooie-papegaaien-achtergronden-hd-papegaaien-wallpapers-16How You See Colours – The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination – Part 47

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

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Proces van relatie naar agreement:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

 

Dag 530 – Sharing a hidden pattern

Yesterday a point came to the surface that I would like to open up and forgive myself for. It is related to ‘sharing’ within conversation. Within the conversation, I gave notition of a chat that I have had as we discussed this before but I mentioned on forehand that I will not yet expand on a certain point that had opened up and will first walk it for myself and share and/or write about it afterwards. This is a ‘normal’ phrase for me and if someone tells me so, I would immediately accept it and leave it up to the one who sais so. However the buddy started to ask some questions about it, what the reason was for not expanding on it now. I didnot expect any questions when I say on forehand that  I do not want to expand on it so I reacted to it within myself and resisted even more to open up. After chat, I realized that I missed a dimension in this where I did not take the ‘conversationpartner’ into consideration by stating on forehand that I will not expand on a certain subject at the moment while we did have shared the occasion of it all. The point of first walking it for myself is fine ofcourse, however there was a point of self-interest in it as ‘keeping it to myself’ which I did not yet see. As I said, it is a ‘normal’ phrase for me to say in which I only take myself into consideration as how I am used to do things, which is actually me as the mind because it is ‘how I am used to do things’ without taking the other as myself as life in consideration where I could have shared some overview and walking the detail for myself. I noticed that I had decided on forehand to ‘not expand on it’ and so, did not see within the moment what is best to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed after finishing chat about my behaviour in the stated words as that I ‘am not going to expand on it now’ which I had already decided to do so without seeing into ways to do share something that I am already able to and see how to do this within the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I did not take the point of sharing in the moment of what I am able to into consideration, where in I did not take the conversationpartner as life into consideration where in I did not take myself as life into consideration by stating on forehand that I am not going to expand on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘is it not enough when I say that I am not going to expand on it now, why should this come from someone else?’ where in I feel threatened as if I can not decide for myself to share or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel questioned within my decision to not yet share and within this, questioned within my ability to make a decision to do so or not by myself where in it is not the fact of not yet sharing that is actually questioned but it is the statement on forehand in/as the mind that is questioned here and that I should question for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically not share and to not take the value of sharing into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think about myself within the decision to share or not share where in I experience this as ‘my decision’ as mine as something that another has nothing to do with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to own my own process and feel threatened when there are questions asked about it that I stated on forehand to not yet share.

Then why do I not want to share already? Because I did not have yet walked into physical reality what I have realised and I fear that if I already share, I ‘loose’ what I have realised and ‘fall back’ into self-doubt. Within this I see a fear of  ‘not being understood’ and so, I start ‘explaing myself’ and so to prevent myself for this, I make the statement that ‘I am not going to expand on it now’.

The points in itself are relevant to take into consideration, however the fear gives an energetic experience as fear of loss of myself within the communication when I notice the situation as if I am not being understood. Funny in this is that I cannot be understood if I will not expand and will not answer questions so I keep myself in my own fear in place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being understood which brings me to the experience of needing to ‘explain myself’ to make myself clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share from the point of wanting to be understooda and so, expecting something from another instead of unconditionally sharing myself within the things that I am already able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy in the sharing as it costs me a lot of effort to express myself and bring for example insights into words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within the moment what and how I can share within consideration of myself as another as being within the ability of myself in that moment and so instead I start protecting myself in/as the mind in a statement on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the conversation as sharing on forehand by the decision to not yet expand on a certain point as a way of control of myself in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to loose control within sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear intimicy within sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let anyone close within sharing myself within words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see anyone in me and only open up when I am really sad, which is not cool as in this way I only share the sad points in which I bring myself into reality as a ‘sad person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only share the sad points in and as a fear that when sharing my insight, this will fade away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect positive energy to insights as a way to feel better about myself where in I use the insights as a way to protect myself against feeling less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the experience of feeling better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I first share a point, I will not live it anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself in and as a sad personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go blanc when I have the possibility to share and only bring certain aspects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired of so many typing from ‘what I mean’ and so I prefer to not share and type so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to share in and as self-expression and always feel as if the sharing is incomplete and so, this gives only a certain aspect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be defined in only a certain aspect and so, prefer to not share where actually I do want to share myself, however this takes so much time and effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see the ‘use’ of sharing in conversation and prefer to only share what is practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see what others share, often as ‘so much talking about things that I already know’ which I do not want to be seen myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to bother or bore someone and so, prefer to keep it short and only share some summary or conclusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sharings into different variations as ‘boring’ or ‘interesting’ or ‘short’ or ‘long’ etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer summaries and conclusions and not the wide expanding to listen to and to speak, where in I try to take all into one summary or conclusion, where in I realise that I can make a conclusion or summary in process from every specific detail, to make it relevant, practical and easy to comprehend within sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things to be ‘talked dead’ into analysing in/as the mind and so, prefer to live things instead of ‘talking about things’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ‘overanalysed’ and within this, being put into a certain box of analisation.

After forgiving these dimensions which seemed a bit incoherent and going ‘from here to there’, I see that the hidden fear as reason behind not yet wanting to share is that I am much more stable now and I do not yet want to share this, because I want to first ‘test’ and walk this stability for myself. This is fine, however a point of self-interest is that I do not yet want to hold myself (and be hold) accountable for myself in more self-responsibility so it is actually a bit of a post-poning of living my potential, also from a point of fear of ‘what if I will fall back’ which is more a fear of ‘what if I do not have some freetime anymore to entertain myself a bit’.

Where in I see that instead of simply sharing and moving on, I hold it within myself and actually enlarge it with this behaviour which makes it ‘something bigger’ than it is. As building up (at)ten(t)sion which I actually wanted to prevent by ‘not going to expand on it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up attention as a tension within myself and within this, expectation where in I enlarge the energy and at the same time postpone the simply living of a realisation, by believing that I cannot live up to my own build up expectation which I project on others as ‘not yet wanting to share as I do not want to make expectations that I ‘cannot live up to’.

So a nice hidden pattern is coming to the surface.

Self-commitments will follow.

Embracing Self by Bernard Poolman

dejar-de-sentir-04_thumbArtwork see blog Marlen

Winged – Exploring Self Intimacy

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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Equal Life Foundation:
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Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
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Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/