Dag 804 – The importance of my starting-point

Continuing on Dag 803 – Redefining relationships with the support of interviews

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actively define what I would like to live in a relationship-agreement and to somehow expect that I / we will find out along the way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this, I automatically follow all the subconscious / unconscious (pre-)programs and only through ‘living them out’ learn to know how and where I am following ineffective programs within and as my mind and integrated within my physical body and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start with sex / physical intimacy and from here, trying to create a mutual supportive communication, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have turned around the entrance-point, as the physical intimacy should follow up on mutual support, intimacy, trust, freedom etc and so becoming a physical expression of all these qualities developed over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if not effectively building / developing a communication based on qualities like trust, intimacy, freedom, support, then eventually, the physical intimacy will stagnate, because one cannot lie in sex / physical intimacy as the body does not lie and so, at some point, the physical intimacy can no longer ‘save’ the relationship from an ineffective communication and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter the physical intimacy from a starting-point of fear, thinking and believing that “I / we will never be able to make it and so we better get out of it as much and as far as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will not be able to build / develop an effective relationship-agreement with another as a partner, based on mutual support, trust, freedom, intimacy etc as I do not see how all and everything will come together in this, meaning, a ‘liking’ of each other, our place in process and developed skills, our practical situation in this world, the will to create something more and so, I on forehand compromise myself in my potential and start somewhere in the middle, to at least then being able to create some of the physical intimacy that I see that should be possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start in the middle and / or at the end and so already from the start, sabotage my own potential which then also reflect in the relationship and within another as well, both being limited in our expression and creation because of the limited starting-point in it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on an end-goal of ‘wanting a relationship with a partner with physical intimacy’ and so projecting a goal outside myself, instead of focusing on my expression and development along the way, such as sharing, self-trust and trust, freedom from a point of self-honesty, intimacy in small moments, mutual support etc and from here, walk day by day, week by week, until it’s done and if not done, as far as possible, because in the end what matters and has an effect on myself, my life and on others and their lives, is who I am in every moment of self-creation, in and as a self-agreement and from a starting-point of what is best for all as life and to be able to do this, I have to face and let go of a fear that I ‘will never make it’ and one thing is for sure, if I go on as how I am used to / have allowed myself to be programmed, I for sure ‘will not make it’ as the best of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ‘fear of failure’ rule me (read ‘Failure in Relation to the Soul‘) so that it is not up to me ‘failing’ if the end-result is not how I perceived, because in fact, I did not ‘do my best’ from the beginning / within my starting-point / in who I am; although it looks as if I do the best I can, it is more a ‘trying to make it work’ with what I have started, from a self-dishonest / misaligned entrance point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I experience an emotion of for example missing or sadness, to think and believe that I did something wrong and so ‘not what is best’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the emotion shows a part of myself that I have separated myself from and so, I firstly need to bring the piece back to myself where from here, I am better able / enable myself to direct myself in a way that is best for myself / all selves (and where a real missing still can exist as well).

It are somehow all obvious points on a conscious level, yet at the same time, it is needed to self-forgive, redefine and bit by bit, living the correction, because the ‘obvious’ is turned around and ineffectively programmed and followed up by me on deeper levels, within and as myself.

To be continued.


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Dag 799 – Self-support on the experience of “being tired of everything”

kpnrijksmuseum.nl/slapendejongevrouw

There is something underneath within me for a long time; an experience of ‘being tired of everything’. I wanted to change it into ‘feeling tired’ but how I experience it is like ‘being tired’. Which I do see as not so favorable because my being is in this as ‘being tired’ and I have developed related physical symptoms so I see it actually becoming a ‘manifestation’.

It is getting less than it was years before, where I almost was consumed by this experience. However I still see, feel and experience it within me, almost as a ‘second skin’ but also as a memory; meaning it is always here and with me.

What I am most tired of and by is of my own physical struggles, cramps, pains, discomforts. Also seeing things that I would like to accomplish but that I then look up to like a mountain, because of the physical labour that needs to be done and especially my own experience of tiredness and discomfort within it or, a fear of this on forehand.

I do experience it within my organs and I have the information (for context read the blog) – via an individualized interview through the portal – that my mind consciousness energy is ‘traveling’ through my organs and not through the muscle energy highways as how is most common. My muscles feel indeed fine and from the perspective of my muscles, I can even look forward to the labour; I like the movements and effect on my muscles. When I look at my organs and especially my large intestine, I feel an incredible tiredness in it from myself and a giving up; like ‘I don’t have it in me anymore, I cannot find the strength within me to push through’.

I am sitting here on the first day of my menstruation, which is something that I am also tired of. I am 45 – almost 46 – and I find it enough.

I still do not know how to ‘relax’ within these organs, mostly my large intestine, ovaries and uterus but also bladder and I feel a sadness on my heart. My liver is still ‘motivated’ and like ‘pushing the others’ to keep going. There is an ongoing tension in it from my own mind consciousness energy as a pressure on my organs.

This is not okay and I would like to change this. I own it to my organs, I own it to myself and so to others as life as well, as I do have a reasonable ‘good life’ so to speak with opportunities that relatively very little people have at the moment here on earth. My organs did adapt to the way my mcs is set up within my physical body, however I find I let too much ‘on them’ to take care of, as if I am not fully here to support and direct myself. I know this is not a job done in a moment. I will open it up with self-forgiveness on the experiences within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on energy instead of on myself and let energy get the best of me within emotions and feelings letting direct myself on a subtle level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my organs do the work, ‘catch me’ in a way to signal me that I am slipping off too much, not catching myself soon enough in the small moments, subtle thoughts and allowing of the lingering in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to linger in the mind even when I notice that I am doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can give up, that it does make sense to give up, instead of supporting myself in that moment, to stop the lingering within my mind and slow down, to release the energy and look for a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly endowed’ by having this specific set up where my mind consciousness energy moves through my organs instead of my muscles, where in I know and even am aware, that it is a gift in disguise because of my early awareness of my emotions and the effect of it within me however, I still linger in a form of victimization in it that I see now as an excuse for myself to not take the next step in pushing myself towards self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking the next step towards self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘wrongly judged’ as how I firstly translated ‘wrongly endowed’ for myself; which is so in a way because of me not clearly expressing myself and not having been able to do so in the past, which indeed gives a misjudgement of myself, by myself and by others as well, following that what I express myself in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself in an incomplete way and for this, following up on myself in this incomplete, incompetent way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my incomplete and limited expression gives an incomplete presence of myself in who I potentially am able to be and by bringing it into reality in this way, my environment respons to this in the same incomplete way and so I ‘set up’ myself in a constricted and incomplete reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then manifest this constricted expression and reality into my organs and especially my large intestine who is constricting and wanting to hold on information that is not yet fully expressed as what is best for myself but that I wanted to release already and so, I am creating a conflict within and as myself, reflecting within my organs and visible for myself in my large intestine as an ongoing cramping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to completely and unlimited express myself as what is best for myself (and so in consideration of the effect being best for all).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot find the strength in myself to push through, that I do not have it in me anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in small moments and to not even want to start, at whatever, at very small physical tasks and movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to sit and rest but I do not rest in this, as I even more find ‘rest’ inside in a slow and consistent movement of doing what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ as if I as my being am tired myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have channeled my being into this experience, into all the emotions and feelings to generate an energetic experience, thinking and believing that these experience are ‘making myself feeling alive’ and so loosing myself as life as ‘beingness’ within this, wherein I am not really lost or gone, but more channeled (by myself) within energy and so wasting or ‘burning the best of me’ so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘tired of myself’ in a way as a tiredness of what I am doing to myself and by myself on a daily base.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already want to give up on my self-commitment and experience a fear of ‘not committing’ and so, thinking and believing that I better not write the commitment, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is exactly the lack of expression, the incomplete expression within and as myself as a ‘loop’ where in I hold myself constricted, of not starting because of fearing that I will not commit to my own commitments and so instead ‘committing as a ‘holding on’ to a fear of failure.

As a start for myself for coming week:

When and as I see myself lingering in my mind and thinking about all the things that need to be done, I stop and breath. I realize that I generate energy in this as for example an experience of ‘giving up’ and so weakening my physical body and putting pressure on my organs because of the emotional energy that I generate within this on a subtle level and I realize that I accumulate the experience in all these small moments of lingering. I commit myself to ‘catch’ myself in the small moments of not wanting to pick up on things, to stop, to breathe for a moment and then moving myself in the small physical action that needs to be done and so move myself from action to action and within this, accumulate the physical action and satisfaction within and as myself.

A process of self-expression and physical action to be continued.

desteniartists.blogspots.com

Nice post from Kim about self-support in the small moments.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 718 – 6. Decision in a split second

 This blog is related to record 6: Decision in a split second

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow two thoughts coming up within me in a split second as a self-interested ‘opportunity’ without fully investigating the consequenses that this could bring forward, for myself and another involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not involve another through sharing what is going on within my mind, where in my mind in a thought, I ‘use’ something of the other without the other even knowing about it and so, without giving the other an opportunity to bring in perspective and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow up on my thoughts and so, ‘using’ something of the other who is involved without fully informing about the starting-point I come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inform the other who is involved with limited information through which I know I have better chances that the other will ‘agree’ on what I want and so, having an excuse for myself that I ‘did inform’ the other and that the other ‘did approve it’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that leaving out information is disempowering another as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by leaving out information and creating from a starting-point of secrecy and self-interest, I will disempower myself within the consequenses that I create, in the same way as I disempower another in that specific moment and because only I am fully informed with the information in my head that I keep partly a secret, I will be responsible for the consequenses that I create by following up my secret thoughts with actions and so I will have to walk through the created consequenses in physical reality, by myself alone as long as I keep it a ‘secret’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have split up myself within my own thoughts that come up in secret and that I believe and follow up on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to follow up on my thoughts because the thoughts produce feelings and emotions that make me ‘feel alive’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow up on thoughts within me about literally creating new physical life ‘by accident’ and from a starting-point of ‘fear and self-interest’, instead of considering myself and other participants as life itself and so, creating life from life by decision, in consideration of all and everything involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have disempowered and split up myself, by believing that I need to create new life in secrecy because otherwise I would not be able to create it at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already believe that I will fail and so, I create from a starting-point of ‘fear of failure‘ without seeing that in this way, I will indeed ‘fail’ as my starting point is split up and not one and equal as myself and so, not grounded and valid or real and so I will have to walk back and deconstruct what I have created in ‘fear of failure’, to be able to take responsibility for it and while doing so, bring myself towards oneness and equality and birth myself as life from the phisical while doing so, while ‘walking back’ and transforming the self-interest into what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when resistances that are coming up in relation towards another, that these are coming from my own mind as things that I have separated myself from and as and so, it are things that I need to investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as resistances are coming up within myself in ‘relation towards another’, to walk out and end the relationship, instead of investigating, understanding and stopping the resistance within myself and so, build a relationship with and as myself and from here, approach another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk out of relationship situations that have potential because I believe that the resistance that I experience is real and ‘not where I must be’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that actually the resistance is a place where I ‘should be’ as here my mind is showing me where I have separated myself in thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and preferences that are ‘in the way’ of approaching a situation with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘take what I want’ and then walk out within a relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that I create my own failure in this way as I ‘take what I want’ from a starting-point of ‘fear of failure’, out of fear that I will not succeed to create what I really want and what is best for myself and others involved, and so I rather ‘take quickly what I want’ and walk out so that at least, I have something that I (think that I) want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I ‘know myself’ and so follow that what comes up in my mind as a thought, feeling or emotion that I translate as ‘that what I want’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not know myself in what is really best for myself and especially not how I can bring this into reality in a practical and considering way, where in this is actually what I eventually want: that what is best for myself (as life and so for others as life) and within this, it will be lasting.

When and as I see myself participating in a fear of not being able to create what I want / would like, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have never created such thing from a starting-point of a practical and considerable approach of reality and so, I have no reference of me being able to walk this and I have no blue-print of how to walk this. I realize that I easily give up when I do not ‘succeed’ directly instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I need to walk a new path step by step, deconstructing the old and destructive patterns and rebuilding a new and solid approach in consideration of this physical reality from a staring point of principled living as what is best for myself in this physical life and what is best for all who are physically involved in what I would want.

I commit myself to support myself as a being stepping forward by applying principles that are best for myself on long-term and in consideration of all involved.

I commit myself to forgive myself for the flaws and programs that are coming up within me as a ‘quick solution’ to fulfill myself with experiences in/as the mind, as a safety catch as ‘better having something than nothing’ instead of step by step bringing forward my potential as a living being.

I commit myself to be patient with myself and others and live the word patience, ‘geduld’ day by day.

I commit myself to receive the support of others for and as myself / my beingness to stand up and I commit myself to be a point of support for others as beingness to stand up as well.

When and as I see myself participating in a tendency of giving up because I experience my feelings and emotions as too overwhelming as if I ‘cannot handle it’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am able to handle my own emotions because I allowed myself to create them as a reaction to what I have learned and believed and  I realize that I am not sticking to the principles of what is best for myself on long-term and so for others as well through which I already ‘fear’ my own creation as consequence, which brings up emotions.

I commit myself to lay out a foundation for myself within principles that I can apply and in which I can keep myself stable and at the same time, walk through my own experiences coming up, within the realization that as long as I keep myself grounded within principles (meaning, principles that are considering what is best for all involved, including myself), I am considering myself and others as life and so, I will eventually bring forward that what is best for all involved without creating harming consequenses.

I commit myself to, when and as I do not see a way to walk, to slow down and take the time to find a way in which I am able to keep myself stable and keep my integrity as well.

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts as ‘taking what I want’ without completely informing others about this who are involved, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I come from a starting-point of fear of not being able to create what I want as what I really would like and see what is best and so, I need to reflect on and take responsibility for a pattern within myself that is not best for myself and others on long term.

I commit myself to slow down, to breathe and to take the time to forgive myself for my thoughts as fears and for believing them in relation to ‘taking what I want’ in a specific situation.

I commit myself to consider myself as a mind consciousness system in which I am weakening and compromising myself and from here, while seeing myself in these weakening / compromising patterns, finding ways to support myself as a being to stand up and direct myself towards a wholesome, healthy way of living.

Previous blog: 5. Menstruation cycle

Next blog: 7. The moment of truth

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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Dag 658 – Verantwoordelijkheid en ‘ik weet het niet’

auwAls ik naar een pijnplek in mijn lichaam kijk, kom ik steeds uit op de woorden ‘ik weet het niet’. Hierin weet ik inmiddels dat dit geen blijvend antwoord kan zijn. Als ik mezelf push om verder te zien, om het hier niet bij te laten en door te zetten tot meer antwoorden dan begin ik te zien dat ik hierin een mechanisme heb ontwikkeld en vastgezet waarin ik geen verantwoordelijkheid neem en heb genomen voor hetgeen zich in mijn lichaam heeft vastgezet. Ik heb hierin ‘de schuld’ aan een ander gegeven en ook bij die ander gelaten.

Probleem hierin is dat als ik niet erken dat ik verantwoordelijk ben voor wat zich afspeelt in mijn geest, gemanifesteerd in mijn lichaam, ik mezelf ook niet in staat stel om er iets aan te veranderen. Immers ik denk en geloof dat ik ‘er niets aan kan doen’ aangezien het – zo stel ik vast – mijn verantwoordelijkheid niet is. Ik ontken dus mijn verantwoordelijkheid voor dit specifieke onderdeel van mezelf.

Vervolgens pas ik deze ontkenning keer op keer toe – in plaats van dat ik oefen om verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor mezelf en mijn ‘creaties’ in en als de geest, gemanifesteerd binnenin en buiten mij, in en als deze fysieke werkelijkheid waaronder mijn eigen lichaam – en in iedere situatie focus ik me dan op wat ik op dat moment ontken, om te proberen te zien waardoor ik iets vastzet in mijn lichaam. Ik denk en geloof dan dat ik hier iets ‘fout’ heb gedaan en ga zoeken naar wat ik verkeerd gedaan zou kunnen hebben. En zo kom ik bij steeds meer punten die ik anders gedaan zou kunnen hebben, of eventueel toch niet. Het wordt verwarrend, want het zijn zoveel dingen waar ik op moet letten om ‘goed’ te doen.

Echter wat ik over het hoofd zie, is dat het om steeds opnieuw hetzelfde mechanisme gaat in en als mezelf dat hetgeen is dat ik ‘verkeerd’ doe, oftewel omgekeerd geïnterpreteerd, namelijk in en als een ontkenning van mijn verantwoordelijkheid; ik projecteer de verantwoordelijkheid op iets of iemand buiten mij, dit doe ik verkeerd om.

Het verkeerd om doen is wat we over het algemeen als ‘fout’ ervaren en zo creëren we een algemene ‘angst om fouten te maken’ in veel of zelfs alles wat we doen. Het gaat echter niet om al die kleine dingen op zich die we doen, die we ‘fout’ doen, het gaat om wie we zijn hierin en hoe we feitelijk de rug gekeerd hebben en keren; naar onszelf, de ander en de wereld, door de verantwoordelijkheid buiten onszelf te plaatsen.

Dit is een mechanisme waar ik mee kan werken en waarin ik mijn verantwoordelijkheid kan nemen en zo in een moment waarin ik me gewaar wordt van fysieke pijn of van ‘ik weet niet’ of van iets ‘fout doen’, te zien hoe en waar ik mijn verantwoordelijkheid heb weggelegd. Zodat ik mezelf kan vergeven voor de ontkenning van mijn verantwoordelijkheid in deze specifieke situatie en hierin de verantwoordelijkheid feitelijk erken, naar mezelf toe/terug haal. Want alleen als ik mezelf hierin vergeef en zo verantwoordelijkheid neem voor mijn ‘gekeerde/verkeerde’ creatie als consequentie, stel ik mezelf in staat/open de mogelijkheid voor mezelf, om mezelf hierin uiteindelijk te veranderen.

Personagevorming en Radicale Ademhaling – Bernard Poolman (vertaling)

Gezond-ademen

Desteni I Process

Why is it so important to take Self Responsibility for the small moments in your daily life and not only the ‘big things’ in life?

How can you use your environment to see who you are as your creation?

Why is it easier to slip into reactions in the mornings?

(Taking Responsibility for Your Creation)

***

Disclaimer: deze informatie betreft mijn bevindingen in zelfonderzoek met mijn eigen fysiek ter cross-referentie, gecombineerd met onderzoek, bevindingen en mondelinge informatie van anderen en is in geen geval een medisch advies. Bij twijfel of onduidelijkheid over een fysieke toestand raad ik aan een arts of therapeut te benaderen voor diagnose en/of ondersteuning.

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY (Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://bigpolitiek.blogspot.nl/
http://livingincome.me/wiki/The_Living_Income_Guaranteed_Proposal
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Uil forgive