Dag 768 – How to walk through fear when I am still existing in fear?

quote fear

I am reading in the book ‘The History of Desteni‘ and I am at the beginning part where Bernard and others were working with the demon dimension and bringing in the demons and supporting them with the process of self-forgiveness. For more context I recommend to read the e-book, there is much material there that can clarify and support within the understanding of what Desteni entails and stand for and it reads like a ‘novel’.

Here the aspects that I would like to point out, is how Bernard mentioned that he would be sure that before he opened himself to support a demon, he would be sure that there was no fear existing within him and, to show the way of self-forgiveness, he needed to have forgiven himself on all points, otherwise the demon would directly mention the unforgiven point and then mention this and use this to not embrace the tool of self-forgiveness, because the effect of self-forgiveness was not absolute standing then so why should he embrace it.

The point of not having any fear existing within myself before really being able to stand as an example of self-support; that is something that I see reflected in my daily life. And this brings me also to the starting-point of what I am bringing forward and who I am within this and the result of this. I mean, if I exist in fear and at the same time I would like to support another with a mind-pattern that may bring up resistence to embrace, forgive and let go, then that what I am existing in and as, is resonating through within my words and presense and most surely picked up and used to only enlarge the resistance – that actually also contains a fear within, so the fear will be affirmed. 

Because what I am then actually showing within (the resonance of) my words, is that what I bring forward or that which I ‘expect to come out’ – within myself but mostly projected on another – with what I bring forward, should be feared – I mean why otherwise should I exist in fear in this moment of an attempt to support?

This makes it not so easy to walk through, because to build self-trust, I need to walk through my fears in real time at some point and how to do this if I have not yet build the self-trust that I can keep standing, because this is what I will build while walking?

So I will experience fear and I possibly will then activate resistance and fear in another. What I then have found through time, is that if my starting-point of bringing up something, is to create an outcome that is best for all, so I bring it up in a starting-point of integrity, I will eventually be able to direct it towards this and this is also something that is mostly picked up. So this I can keep as a starting-point within myself as well and keep on focussing on expanding my self-integrity, although I may still experience a fear within me to start walking a point in real time. So, the fear shall resonate and come forward and then from the starting-point of what is best for all involved, or ‘best for both’ or ‘best for myself’ in a self-honest way, I will be able to direct myself in that what is activated and keep standing in what is activated and eventually I will be able to express where I come from and what I mean and why I do something.

I exist in fear because I am somewhere within myself, holding on to a point of separation and so, fear of loss of that what I have separated myself from however, within self-honesty, I need to stop compromising myself and then step forward and ‘take the risk’ of loosing ‘that what I hold on to and fear loosing’. Mostly while walking through this in real time, it becomes more visible what I ‘fear to loose’ and where I hold on to a compromised point within myself and the self-trust is build when walked through – meaning understanding and so forgiving myself in this – an ‘old and compromising equation’ actually and then opened up to create a new base that is more stable and long-lasting and best for myself and / as others’ self involved, as a more substantiated foundation in and as life, so from here I am able to expand my self-integrity and grow in a way that brings forward a substantial effect as well, in and as this physical existance.

So far my realizations that also come forward while I am writing it down here, so also the writing of blogs in a self-supportive way is something I can very much recommend to start with. I will continue in time to come with self-forgiveness as well and see how to expand on the topic of what I mean with ‘my starting-point’.

7-year-journey-to-life


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Uil forgive

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Dag 766 – What I find related to the word ‘abandoned’

 

Continuing from Dag 765 – Abandoned

Abandoned

After sitting with myself and the cats, speaking self-forgiveness on what is coming up within me while focussing on the area of my physical body around pelvic and lower belly area:

Ovaria’s; at the high of

Not feeling worthy as a woman without having children

Like failed

Not on a consiousness level but deep stored within me and even not knowing where it comes from, other then through generational lines and/or passed lives, from which I understand that what I live in this life is enough to take on, as in this life I live the same sort of patterns as probably in many lifes before and only by now I have the tools to step forward, to stand up in it for and as myself, with the application of self-forgiveness, self-correction and living words as the beginning of self-expression in this process.

An experience of ‘failure’ on a belief that I first took on as something that I needed to reach as how it is also placed in the world, as if the only way of living or passing life, is through giving birth through children instead, of birthing ourself as life from the physical in actively deciding within awareness who we are in thought, word and deed and living this decision as well. So ‘the world’ is mostly showing as if ‘building a family’ or giving birth to a child,  is the only way to ‘birth life’ and through trying to attempt this, I am missing myself as a real living being mostly and ‘missing the point’ completely in this state of survival.

Not having given myself the chance to really ‘choose’ or decide in this because of already taken on this belief and so follwing up on this, while at the same time noticing several hesitations in it, however still following up on this ‘automatic/programmed belief’. And within this, causing myself a lot of sadness and grief.

I stillcould feel this deep stored within me with still emotions attached (after a whole serie written about this that starts here). Feeling abandoned in this, feeling like ‘no man would stay with me if I am not carrying/have carried their child’. Abandoning myself within a self-created belief of failure.

Also, deep sadness for all the ‘homeless’ in this world including animals and the suffering from this. Homeless, also like abandoned.

Sitting with Snoo the cat from who I picked up (and confirmed without me sharing this, via someone who is picking up some signals from animals – this is not a ‘real communication with animals’, for some more information about this I would recommend the interviews that start here) that she would have liked to have little kittens but where is decided for her to get sterilized. Which in this situation (she lived as a cat from the street in Egypt and came via a shelterhouse to my house) and in this time where we live, is the best to do. However, these decisions are made without including the animals in it. Which I still felt sad about and I took responsibility for this experience of ‘guilt’ through apologizing as a human being, as asking forgiveness for humanity as a whole in who we are at the moment with regards to animals. This gave great release from the experience of guilt, within taking responsibility as a human being, for something that I did not directly do myself to her but the ‘species’ I belong to does within a world that we have all acccepted and allowed to exist within separation from life and so, I am responsible as well.

Additional self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my reproduction-system and ability to reproduce, related to the sex-system and love-system and within this, making myself myself inferior to ‘life’ as myself as life, within a separation of myself in an accepted and allowed belief in the self-created reality of the ‘love-system’ and the sex and reproduction that is connected within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to see and live myself as an individual and satisfied living being without ‘being related’ to a child and/or partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a failure if and when I do not succeed to maintain a pregnancy and/or intimate relationship, as if this are the only two ‘purposes’ in life to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on a deep level, tend to compromise myself for within my fertile years, an attempt in trying to get pregnant and during and after this, an attempt in trying to get or maintain a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the new and open area of giving myself and living a purpose within, as and for myself, that is not related to pregnancy/motherhood or a personal intimate relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it quite rediculous that I have accepted and allowed and accept and allow, so much distraction within and as myself by moving into and living out the love, sex and reproduction system, where in I at the same time see, realize and understand that within and embracing myself of who I am within this, I will be able to forgive, correct and change myself and the relationship with myself in this as a fundament for relationships with others and from here, ‘breathing life’ into myself and redefining love, sex and reproduction towards supportive area’s for myself and others as what is best for life as a whole, as an area to live, learn, grow and expand as individual and responsible living beings.

I notice that the left-bottom side of my large intestine is giving signals now of ‘pain’ or crampings, that is already here for minutes but that I at first did not bring into my awareness, so much am I used to this coming and going of these cramping pains and en emotion related to this that I have not yet defined and forgiven, however it releases a bit when now noticing and mentioning it.

Some words that come up: inferior, diminishing, unworthy, not allowed, accepted limitations, shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down and stop expanding myself after an attempt of fulfilling a pregnancy or relationship and so, making this area the ‘only way or possibility’ to expand within and as myself and here limiting myself in my individual grow and making myself dependent on the will and responsibility of another to grow and expand within a relationship and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my will to grow and expand, dependent on the will to grow and expand of (the presence of) a partner.

The overall word here: dependency

Which is something to bring back to myself as in self-dependency in and as the will to live and to stop the mind-dependency in and as the polarity of the energy-generation (as in for example the system of love, sex and reproduction).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in an experience of missing and distracting myself within this, where in I see, realize and understand how I create this experience within and as myself, through accepting and allowing a ‘building of relationships’ on the (unconscious) starting-point of the ‘love and sex-system’ and in the hope and expectation of the ability to transform this into an absolute unconditional relationship and sharing, where in the real missing is the missing of an absolute unconditional relationship with another human being, that I have channeled into the sharing of myself within the physical intimicy within ‘love and sex’ or ‘love as sex’ within a partner-relationship and so creating a dependency on each other on short-term, within and as the belief/fear and so judgement, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time’ in walking towards the individual starting-point of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and so judge, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge myself in my own will and ability to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility without another human being as a partner and from here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge a partner for leaving me and so, taking away the ‘free will’ of another in making their own decision in what to walk and how to do this towards a point of self-responsibility, as I restrict this to ‘staying with me’ as the only or ‘best’ way and so, becoming ‘forcing’ in this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fail’ by going into reacting from a starting-point of ‘fear of loss’ and here, start ‘forcing another’ who is picking up and reacting to this ‘force’ and then ‘going away’ and so I am ‘loosing the connection’ that I initially feared to loose and that I now co-created myself in reality.

From here I then go into an experience of guilt and finding as if I ‘failed’ and that ‘it is my fault’ that another goes in which I enlarge the ‘fear of making mistakes’ within myself where in I then enlarge the pressure within myself and reflecting this towards others as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all I am able to do, is taking responsibility for myself in this as how I here, bring a reaction back to self and realizing that if my reaction is causing another to stay or go, that this has to do with what is already going on inside themself that I have triggered with my reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost petrify myself within a fear of making a mistake and then causing another lo leave (me), up to the point where I cannot bear the pressure anymore of my own petrification and so, suddenly ‘lash out’ in a reaction with the result of that what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the rsult of my own reaction as if it is all my responsibility and within this, trying to take ‘responsibility for two’ out of a fear that another is not willing or yet able to do this by/for themself and so walking away whenever I may react or make a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘staying with me’ or ‘staying with you’ above ‘taking responsibility for and as ourself’ and so, walk from a turned around starting-point which in itself, is doomed to explode and ‘break up’ because the foundation to build on and from, is not yet stable and constant in and as what is best for a life in and as self-responsibility.

And here, an experience of ‘being abandoned’ is created as being abandoned from a (soul?)-connection that is still origined from or connected to a belief or idea within and as the love-/sex-system as ‘being together for always no matter what’ and a fear of standing alone, so actually being abandoned from a continuation of an energy-experience.

To be continued.

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.


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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 749 – 28. Learned a lot

This blog is related to record 28: Learned a lot

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be tired’ of ‘learning things’ and rather would like to start building something that is lasting and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not already building something because of walking through difficult patterns, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this goes hand in hand and so, ‘learning’ and ‘building’ can go together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘creating’ or ‘building’ is something nice and ‘learning’ in this context is mainly difficult and challenging and so, when I do not experience it as nice, I see it as only ‘learning’ or ‘walking through patterns’ and not so much as ‘creating’ and ‘building’.

Self-forgiveness on experiences that are coming up while a pattern is activated and showing it’s face / where I am facing myself within this pattern:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely shut down and blanko because of not being able to do anything anymore and so the only solution for now is leaving it and letting go of the control about what another is taking responsibility in or not and taking responsibility for myself in how I experience myself at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘not believe’ how this can happen, how someone can do this and so, I am not standing equal and one with myself and/as another, where in I see now that I hide and suppress an experience of guilt that I have stored in my body as an expectation of a ‘need to be here all the time for another, 24 hours’ without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not possible and realistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be here 24 hours a day for another which must be coming forward out of a mother-syndrom of always feeling like ‘not enough’ for the child, as there can always go something wrong when I am not here and that is then ‘my fault’ or responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coming forward out of this self-judgement, going into my mind and from here, indeed not being here 24 hours but distracted within and as a form of self-protection, to not feel the emotions coming up as a reaction in certain circomstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel paralized at the height of my ovaria and going down within my legs, like my legs are made of chewing-gum and not being able to move myself anymore to whatever direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus myself completely on another as in a mother-syndrom, looking after her child and without this focus, not being able to direct myself anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have protected myself against what I have perceived as the attention of my own mother and her worries about me and at the same time, copying this pattern and doing it myself to a ‘loved one’ that I ‘worry about’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to move through and how to ‘fix’ this.

When and as I see myself going into worrying about a ‘loved one’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I worry about myself and not being able to be with this one anymore and/or to live without this one, where the worry is then actually ‘about me’ and so, I am not really effective in seeing what support I am able to give or stand, when and as that may be needed.

I realize that the patterns and play-outs I walk now, are of support for myself (and/as another) to stand on my own two feet in every situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘that it is too much, that this is not cool anymore, that I cannot have it anymore and that it is unfair that I need to go through all of this as I did not do anything wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only need to go through things if I do ‘something wrong’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I ‘do wrong’, is taking projections of another personally as if it is about me and ‘wanting to take care of another 24 hours as a way to be sure to be together’ is an approach that is impossible and unrealistic, as we all need to stand on our own two feet and learn to take responsibility for our own mind and so, it are opportunities to bring the patterns that are stored deep within me to the surface, so that I can forgive and correct myself into a more realistic and so, more effective living human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that things will be allright if I ‘do not do anything wrong anymore’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind is build up and stored within many deep layers and that we are only free, when all are free and so, the pain will not stop until all are free as only then we will be able to communicate, to care and to work together effectively but at the same time I can push myself to take responsibility for my own experiences.

I realize that I do not understand a reaction within myself that starts with ‘I cannot believe this is happening’ and here giving up on myself and giving away my self-direction of who I am in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to live without the other and so, taking on more responsibility on my shoulders than is really my part which is then a distraction within and for myself from experiencing the pain of inequality, because as long as I am busy with the other and trying ‘to do good’, I think and believe that I can not loose the other or that I can not be blamed to loose the other and I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if another sees what he/she is doing, that he/she then will walk away and never come back and so I try to prefend this by doing the best I can to ‘fill the gabs’ and ‘always be here’, where in I see, realize and understand that I then actually go away from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and my reactions in living without the other and so I want the other to ‘always be with me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ‘learned a lot’ but still not really changed in this deep pattern of dependency within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to stand within the unexpectedness of life and within the only certainty of being with and as myself no matter what, meaning that I do not have control about an outcome but only about what I walk in and as myself and so, I do not have control about ‘staying together’ as there always can something ‘unexpected’ happen and so, I created a ’24 hours attention’ within and as myself and behind this an experience of guilt to keep myself busy with, as a distraction and illusion of control about ‘being/staying together’ as how a mother and child are connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find a commitment to stand with in this but at the same time, expecting a commitment from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit to stand with myself as within this, I experience a huge fear to ‘loose another’ if I do so and I am not sure how I will stand with and as myself if and when I may ‘loose another’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not ‘fear loosing someone’, that I then not ‘love’ someone and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then hold on to the fear as holding on to my own thoughts as a ‘connection’ as actually a way of control in and as my own mind.

I commit myself to continue walking and finding ways to support myself and others in this, by keeping myself open and approachable for receiving and giving ways of self-support and preventing myself from speaking or acting in reaction (and forgiving/correcting myself when and as I do so) and within this, giving myself and others time to walk through the difficult parts within and as the mind, where in I realize everytime again that I can only keep standing within the principle of what is best for all, in and as life and that eventually within and as life, we are all united and no one will be ‘left alone’ anymore as here we are al(l)-one with ourselves in and as life, without existing in separation. Which is something that I now only realize in knowledge and information and that will take a lifetime to walk into in practical reality and so I move myself through the fears coming up, slowly and embracing/forgiving myself for what I experience in every moment, within and as self-support and support of one another.

I commit myself to look into the words ‘creating’ and ‘building’ and redefine this into a more realistic definition for myself.

I commit myself to walk ‘what is here’, in small pieces day by day and not too much going into a looking forward as then easily many things can come up as a ‘what if this and that go wrong’ where in I then fuell an experience of ‘fear of loss‘ within and as myself.

I commit myself to look into thoughts connected to an experience of fear within the realization of the information that ‘fear’ actually exist within and as a thought.

Previous blog: 27. Finding my stability

Next blog: 29. Care as motivation


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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 744 – 23. Abusive relationships and dependency

This blog is related to record 23: Abusive relationships and dependency

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent on another being that comes through me and/or that I come through and from here, creating consequences for myself as well as for possible others to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within dependency, create a consequence for my ability of decision making, that I can not make a decision in common sense anymore but only following up on a consequence in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this state of dependency by thinking, speaking and acting as if I am ‘independent’ which is actually a form of revenge within and as myself for not finding what I am looking for within my dependency in/as the mind on another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am independent and making decisions, while I am actually depending on thoughts, emotions and feelings and following up on this within my decisions, thinking and believing that I make ‘my own decisions’ and not seeing that I am actually following a program in/as the mind consciousness system integrated within and as my physical body and my being following up on this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘be proud of my independency’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is more an isolation within and as my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependent on another for my own well being in/as the mind, while my physical well being is even being compromised by my own behaviour and inner experiences to try to ‘not loose’ the one I feel dependent on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first stand by and with myself and then if I feel my reactions coming up in/as the mind, starting to doubt myself in what I at first decided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start doubting myself in what I decided instead of taking responsibility for the reactions coming up within and as myself and stand equal to and with this and from here, see if I need anything to align as a dimension to consider as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my reactions determine how things will move forward, which they do if I do not take responsibility for it within and as myself so that I can move myself forward towards oneness and equality as what is best for myself as life as all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I will loose something or someone instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only loose that what I have make myself dependent on in/as the mind as an inner relationship that is not best for myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will not take care of the inner relationship which creates consequences that are determining the outcome in a negative way up until ‘loosing each other’ and so, I rather tend to stay in a dependent relationship, trying to fill the gaps that I think and believe that another may not be willing to stand in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to here not see how I loose myself within a dependency in/as the mind, projected on another being within a relationship by trying to fill in the gabs and so, the further I loose myself within ‘filling the gabs’ as what I perceive as ‘gabs’ within my own thinking, the further I loose the possibility to clearly communicate with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and find solutions for another, instead of asking another what he/she sees as a possible solution and find solutions for myself in my own experience in/as the mind in a moment of trying to fill a gab as finding a solution for another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within a relationship with another, tend to ‘step in’ or ‘step out’ when I see that another is not taking responsibility within a specific point and so, creating a dependency within and as myself that I then later on want to ‘break up’ and step back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hardly be able to breathe within dependency on another or within dependency from another to me and at the same time, being busy creating this dependency myself and so, sufficating myself in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to here become very tired and almost dizzy and fuzzy and clowdy and almost blank in what to forgive in this.

When and as I see myself going into trying to find a solution for another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I better ask what the other sees for him/herself as solution for that moment and then perhaps add a suggestion or not.

I commit myself to find a solution for myself in stopping and directing myself in a moment of reaction of trying to find a solution for another, by supporting myself to breathe, to step back within and as myself and to first define what I experience and forgive the experience as well.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of panic when and as I see that another is not taking responsibility in a specific point, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I do not need – or will not be able to take responsibility for another but rather, take responsibility for my own experience as being first and foremost a living example of standing with and as myself.

I commit myself to breathe, step back and ‘catch myself’ so to speak in an experience of panic coming up where I then can and will further define where the panic comes from and why it comes up in this moment, to embrace myself and stand with and as myself within this moment that I may not know what to do or where to go and this is then fine.

When and as I see myself stepping back too far, as a reaction of fear towards what I see as a missing of responsibility in a specific point in another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have made myself dependent on the other that I react to in fear and then fear loosing the other when he/she is not taking responsibility within and as self, where I then fear to loose myself or that part of myself that I have made myself dependent in, onto another being.

I realize that I can only react ‘in fear towards what I see as the missing of responsibility in another’ if and when I did not take responsibility for myself in a specific point and so, I react because I am falling within this ‘missing’ of a part of myself.

I commit myself to keep standing within a reaction of fear, to not step forward or to not step back too far  but only stepping back within and as myself and from here, stand a moment within this position of not knowing what to do or where to go.

I commit myself to take on the challenge of stepping into the unknown of myself, while stopping to make myself dependent on another for my emotional well-being and at the same time, being aware and taking care of the inter-dependency that exist within relationships, as making sure that each participant is or will be considered equally in what each may need in that moment, which I can only clearly see when and as I stop reacting to a  fear of loosing something or someone, within and as myself and find that piece within and as myself that I missed and from here, bring it back to myself, in and as self-responsibility.

A process to be continued

20160820_205609.jpg

Previous blog: 22. Looking back without considering the mind

Next blog: 24. Expecting another chance


Proces van zelfverandering:
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www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 741 – Can I learn to empathize?

Certain people are ‘by nature’ more empathic than others. It can be so because of how one has grown up; it can be pre-programmed. This doesn’t automatically mean that one is doing ‘what is best for all’ as then again, one can be for example ‘over-empathizing’ and forget to take care of oneself.

However, what if you notice that you do not really be emphatic by nature and so, noticing that this has consequences for others and for self as well? What if you ‘don’t feel’ what it means to be empathic, if you do not ‘feel’ what others may need for example and so, easily walk over others without even noticing?

I can start with an example of myself in this. I can say that I am empathic by nature, I also am a female, who often have learned to develop some empathic qualities. However I have also noticed an aspect within myself where I easily and automatically, could let someone ‘drop down’ or ‘fall down’, within the thought/believe that some can or should take care of that aspect within themselves, without looking further within their nature for example and seeing if they may need some support in this.

Within this, I did not ‘feel’ that I ‘wanted to help’, coming from a starting-point that we each should take care of ‘our own business’, as how I have developped this within myself. What I did feel in this, is quilt, for not being helpful enough, for not giving enough, although no one really had said such things to me. It was more existing on a subtile level where I somehow saw that I could do more but I did not (want to) do this and did also not know how to take this on. With the consequence that I also found it more difficult to receive ‘help’ from others as I found that I did not deserve this (because I was not giving it eather).

So this gave a subtile conflict within myself on the background that was interfering within my social interaction and communication in many ways.

I have in real time walked a path to correct this; first with animals, where I for years, have taken care of quinea pigs and rabbits that became older and needed a lot of support where I had ‘to give it my all’ to get them through as long as possible. I also have walked a relationship with someone who needed a lot of support that I ‘did not feel like giving’ and that I actually ‘did not really want’. But, I did, because then I already understood what it means to start walking by principle. Understanding meaning that I understood the theory of this.

With the animals, I had to step out of an experience of feeling paralized and not being able to take action, also related to a limited amount of money to spend for physical support and from here, not knowing where to start when an animal became ill for example. I have walked many situations with these beings and it was amazing to do this. What was supporting me here, is that I did want to do it for the animals as I really and naturally ‘like’ the animals but I had to step over idea’s of ‘how much you spend and do for an animal like a rabbit or a quinea pig’. Strange idea’s, as if these little animals deserve less care than a bigger animal or a human being. But there was also a fear of ‘not having enough for myself’ in this as a point of self-interest existing within me.

Within the relationship, I learned to walk it because I could see the consequences of what would happen if I would not do the best I could and especially I learned how this would reflect back on me within myself, staying busy with doubts and questions about myself, where experiences of guilt were keeping me busy and eventually ending up within the need to ‘go back and correct myself’ and do it over again. We can also call this a ‘timeloop’. I mainly experienced this whole pattern as a ‘fear of loss’ within me and so, the ‘fear of loss’ did have been the motivation to push myself to do better and still does in many moments – to eventually and while doing so, come to a point of creation, free from this experience inside myself.

But, I did not do this because it felt natural or because I naturally wanted this. I did do this because I had learned – while walking this relationship – what it means to walk in principle and I saw I could do better. So I did not need to ‘feel’ it but could make the decision to walk it anyway, to support another (and so myself) where I can within my capacity and of course from a starting-point of common sense,  to not ‘help’ another with things that another need to learn for self but to support where another did not yet have developped an effective application and where I did not have developped this as well and so, ‘supporting another’ was/is the development in itself for myself as self-support.

This is the great thing about principled living, that in the end, the self-support is supporting another and supporting another, is supporting self.

Why am I writing this blog?

To bring forward that if and when we do understand what it means to walk by principle and when and as we have made the decision within ourself to stand by this and do and develop this every day again, that it is possible to learn for example what it means to live ‘empathy’, not because we ‘feel empathy inside ourselves’ and whatever this may mean, but from a starting-point of ‘giving as you would like to receive’ and ‘considering another’ from a starting-point of principled living within equality and oneness, where every living being deserves to be treated with support where needed and where self-honestly possible.

When I had walk through all of this (it took several years all together), I did came back to my self-will about what I want, within my life, within a relationship and with who I want to walk this, while testing what is practically possible and taking the time to see who I am willing to stand by and walk with as myself and who is willing to do the same with me. However I did have to let go of personal preferences for several years, to be able to stand up and keep standing within my utmost potential and the challenges that this gives every day.

So, empathy does not so much contain an experience or a feeling – although it can be a starting-point for those who do experience this naturally. Empathy can be practically learned and applied within a starting-point of principled living as what is best for all. These principles, they can be described, tested and cross-referenced within a self-agreement and from this agreement with and as self, it can be expanded towards an ‘agreement’ with others (family, friends, colleques, intimate relationships), as simply ‘rules’ that are considering all participants in a way that does not leave anyone behind without being heard or seen but at the same time, supporting each other to create a self-responsibility and self-dependency where needed, to be and become able to stand on our own two feet.

There is much more detail to write about this empathy. Here is a link where one can start walking this agreement within and as self, by first understanding the theory of how we actually function as a human being and also a link to a document where the basic-principles are described and commited to stand by. Without this support, I would not have been able to stabilize and grow as how I did so far and I am very much still learning and expanding in this, still with the support that is available within Desteni and that is practical and applyable in our every day live.


Proces van zelfverandering:

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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 740 – 20. Searching for the life within me

This blog is related to record 20: Searching for the life within me

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a programming of giving birth to another life as a way to try to experience the ‘gift of life’ so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the gift of life is existing within me as a potential that I can ‘breathe life in’ through bringing me back to myself from the separation in and as my own consciousness, within the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and the living of words in a way that is best for all, in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within trying to give birth to another life, separate myself more from myself and the potential of ‘the gift of life’ within and as myself, because of more and more following thoughts, emotions and feelings related to the polarity of having or not having the possibility to become pregnant and so, making it dependent on something that is already separated from myself in and as my mind as a programming existing.

Here to mention that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with becoming pregnant or having this as something one would like to create, as long as it is coming from a starting-point of stability, responsibility and common sense and actually would be most cool if one is able to firstly walk some years into an understanding of what it means to be self-responsible, to learn and see the influence of thoughts, emotions and feelings within/as self and how to direct oneself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the potential of birthing myself as life from the physical, to make this dependent on giving birth to another life and so, making something outside myself responsible for myself as the potential as life within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself unhappy and emotional by making myself dependent on something or someone outside myself and more and more, loose sight of myself within my potential.

When and as I see myself becoming emotional and unhappy, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I make my potential to be here, to be in breathe and express myself, that I make this dependent on something or someone outside myself.

I commit myself to investigate why and how I make my self-expression dependent on something or someone else and to see what it is that I fear (to happen or loose) and from here, forgive myself accordingly and live the correction by practising my experession from a point of self-responsibility, as in being aware of the responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and emotions, words and deeds and expressing myself within and as this awareness.

Previous blog: 19. Playing Russian Roulette

Next blog: 21. Opportunity to change direction

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Proces van zelfverandering:

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https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 734 – Blame, projection and fear of loss

blame

Following up on the previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what it is that I fear within manipulation tactics as in a situation where thoughts are projected on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very tired now when I start writing this blog and experiencing some kind of blankness where in I do not see any point to write self-forgiveness about, as if I only can close my eyes and want to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I can never do this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an unability to do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to walk through and keep standing within a situation where thoughts and feelings and emotions are projected on me as a form of manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going away out of reaction in/as fear and within this, enlarging or fueling a possible reaction in another who then also goes away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the other goes away as a reaction on my reaction of going away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how to stop this cat and mouse game, other than by going away, which is not what I want or see as a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally panic when another is going away, however when another is coming within panic to me, I also tend to go away out of fear of the reactions from another when and as I am not doing as how they want or expect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I never satisfy enough and that I am not given the time to see within myself what I want and how to do this and so, feeling like I am  always ‘too late’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to please the other in/as the mind, out of a fear of loss as an experience within myself when another is going away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in pleasing another in/as the mind, I go away from myself and here I am actually pleasing my own mind as pleasing my own fear (of loss) and so, fullfilling my own fear (of loss) in loosing myself in trying to please myself or/as another in/as the mind, as in a closed circle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that only consequenses will be created where in another don’t see the consequences and I am not able to direct myself effectively within in the consequences and so the point of creation gets lost and distracted in consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make another see the point of blame as projection in/as the mind, so that from here, we can be together, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can not ‘make another see’ and that my starting-point here is actually still in/as the mind located as in a fear of loss and so, I will firstly create the loss as how I fear, through the point of blame as projection on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it frightening how far we all go/have gone in/as the mind to abdicate responsibility, within blame as projections of our own thoughts, feelings and emotions on something or someone outside ourselves, instead of bringing the thoughts, feelings and emotions back to self and start understanding/forgiving where they come from and so, start taking responsibility for ourselves in/as our own mind and stop blaming something or someone within/without.

When and as I see blame/projection towards me or another, within the words/behaviour of someone in conversation with me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I cannot easily ‘make another see’ how the mind exist as a projection-system and so in/as the manifestation of blame, however I do can decide to not participate and to make this clear, for example by walking away, by saying some words or by simply/literally mentioning that I do not participate in a conversation with blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in blame by accepting and allowing it, coming forward out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to do everything good and perfect so that another cannot blame me for anything and through this, the other will eventually bring the point of blame back to self, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 1. I will also make mistakes that I then need to correct that can be used against me and 2. another will always be able to find something to start blaming with by projecting one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions on me in some way, when I do not as they are pleased by, and from here, using one’s own thoughts, feelings and emotions projected on me, as a reason to blame me and so, abdicate one’s own responsibility.

I commit myself to not participate in a point of blame, not within myself and not within conversation with another and if I see that I do so, to look within myself what makes that I am doing this, what I fear to loose and take responsibility for this within/as myself through understanding/forgiving myself for this point and participation.

To be continued after investigating Desperation and Communication Awareness as a dimension of creating this ‘picture’ that someone else sees of me and that I then fear to be defined as/blamed for.

the-design-of-fear-of-loss


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive