Dag 782 – The experience of depression opening up

Continuing on Dag 781 – How I have experienced ‘depression’ in my life

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After my twenties I started to bring down the going out and alcohol intake, up to now very rarely drinking a glass of wine. However with doing so, I had many years where I needed to find other ways to ‘relax from myself’ in a way and to for a moment ‘let go’. Which I must say, I did not really succeed in for quite some years. And so I did experience quite some moments of heaviness during my thirties.

If I look now at this ‘heaviness’, the first word that comes up in me related to this experience is ‘self-conscious’.

Like being too self-conscious, too conscious of myself, in what I say or not say, do or not do. Like I have locked myself in within my own consciousness focussed on my self and feeling ‘stuck’ in this, like a rabbit freezing in the light of a car. And this is what I could let go for a moment with going out and using some alcohol and hanging around, laughing and speaking with friends or dancing.

During my high-school years I had a best friend, and I went to her almost every day and with her I speaked about what was bothering me and she always sheered me up and supported me to relevate and when going back home, I felt better. But when getting older, everyone started to ‘build their own life’ and creating families and so the friendships were less shared and only coming together by ‘appointment’. And these years between 25-35, I have experienced the most struggling within myself because I could not really get up with the natural life-path of creating a family. And many of my ‘friends’ started to get involved in relationships and creating a family, where I could not relate to them so much anymore and I started to ‘feel better’ alone by myself or with others who walked a bit of a uncommon path.

Within this period I have learned to not scare as ‘resist’ the periods of depression and emotions coming up. I lived in a beautiful area within nature and with many birds outside around and I found peace and sense in a more nature-connected way of living. I noticed that a depression – the ‘experienced one’ as how I describe in my previous blog and not the clinical/physical ingrained one – is passing by. And this goes best if I am not running away for this experience, but ‘letting it in’ and investigate what is involved. It seems and feels like it goes on forever, but I have learned that it passes by and when and as I feel that it is pulling me down too much, I will ask for support.

The most frightening experiemnce in it I find that ‘I do not like anything anymore’. I have been in a period where I find I was drowning too much in a sadness and ‘not liking anything anymore’, where I went out for support – during that days I went to a couple who worked with series of Dutch flower remedies – and the lady simply said to me, without pointing it out too much but more in between other things that she was looking had – that I needed to find what I did like before and the way in which she mentioned this, immediately made me taking this in as something that is here and that I need to pick up. So not in a way of questioning it, like ‘is there anything that you like?’; but without any doubt or questioning within so as ‘data’, as something that is here. So she brought me back here actually and I immediately could find some simple things that I like.

When writing this, an experience is coming up of loosing myself, loosing control in a way over myself so I see that this experience that I had during using extacy (described in the previous blog), is still existing within me. It is like I access it while writing about this subject, which indicates for me that it is here to open up; I brought it here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like loosing control, loosing myself, as if I am not able to direct myself but that I need to follow this experience and as if I ‘need’ to loose myself to find myself, which may be true, however I do have the ability to direct myself with words, with actions, with being here in my body and so I do not need to stay and drown in this directlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need another to get me out of my own consciousness and at the same time, feel like I loose my directlessness when and as I am with others, which then in a way is a ‘lock in‘ from myself in my own mind consciousness system in a way that I did not see before as so ‘severe’ as so pertinent present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen, realized and understand the severity of my own mind-consciousness system and the lock in of myself in it, where I did understand the severity due to how the world exists today and also how we each contribute and are part of it; however really seeing it within and as myself is a different story as I easily avoid to see how it really exists within and as me.

I also see another situation coming forward where I feared to experience a depression. It was when I was pregnant (before the abortion, see blog-serie) and here I feared a post-natale depression. Sylvie brought up that the experience of ‘depression’ may be related to attention more than to control. I will look into this for myself and how it is related, as it seems to be related to a fear of loosing attention in future periods. What I more and more start seeing within myself (so from knowledge and information towards seeing it existing within and as myself), is how the ‘attention’ and energy within this, is in essence related to money and/or sexuality in/as the mind and the question and opportunity within this (of how) to move beyond this, into ‘myself’ and towards and into self-expression.

This experience slowly opens up more and is still existing within me, so cool that I am bringing the topic here.

To be continued.

 


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