Dag 745 – 24. Expecting another chance

This blog is related to record 24: Expecting another chance

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another chance and for this, not consider all dimensions as if it was only this moment, this one possibility that I have, to walk this opportunity that arised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually postpone an opportunity to give birth to life of a child, expecting that I would get another chance in a ‘better’ situation where I was better prepared, where this does not mean that I made the ‘wrong decision’ so to speak but more, that I better could have taken everything into consideration that I was able to at that moment and from here, making a well-considered decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on cycling in emotional experiences, related to a decision in the past and from here, wanting to ‘have another chance, to do it over’ so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is all a distraction from myself being here and creating my potential and effect that I can have for myself and others as well in this life, in and as care, from a starting-point of self-care and living this as an example and that this whole experience – it is not so much about the outcome in what I decided but more about what an impact it has had on my life that I can learn from and take with me, to prevent myself making the same ‘mistake’ again as a ‘missing’ of considering myself in all aspects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by expecting another chance, not living my life and myself as if it is the one life and moment that I have, here and today and using what is here to support myself and others to learn to live as carefull human beings, no matter if we make mistakes or missing a chance: this one aspect is what I can live in every moment again and again, as a decision of who I am and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use postponement and an expectation of another chance, as an excuse to not consider myself, here and now as a whole and so, to not give myself the opportunity to live and express myself in all aspects of myself in every moment.

When and as I see myself tending to postpone something that I fear to step into or towards, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I need to support myself and walk closer with and as myself so that I do not feel so lost within an emotional experience of fear.

I commit myself to stand closer with and as myself, to stand for what I see as principled living within and to walk with me, as me, slowly but surely forward with the support of breathing, self-forgiveness and living words as tools that I always have with me, in every situation and I commit myself to look more closely within myself what I fear and how to embrace myself in this and at the same time, how to push myself to move with and as the fear and what I fear within.

When and as I see myself repeating myself within emotions about a decision that I made in the past, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am focussing too much on the result, where in I miss myself in who I am and what I have learned in this specific moment and decision making and consequence.

I commit myself to forgive what I see as emotional and feeling attachement towards a desired result and instead, see how I that what I desire, can bring back to myself in my current reality in who I am now and see how I can bring myself here in expression with the support of the living and embodiment of a word and so, bring the desire in and as energy in and as the mind – to bring this back to my physical body into a practical and possible self-expression that is best for myself, my body and from here, for this physical life as a whole.

Previous blog: 23. Abusive relationships and dependency

Next blog: 25. Can a decision be wrong or right?


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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 742 – 21. Opportunity to change direction

This blog is related to record 21: Opportunity to change direction

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to change direction and to step into the unknown and within this, knowing that I have somehow ‘missed an opportunity’ for expansion within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not daring to change direction and stepping into a new area, where at the same time, I saw that it may have been too much expansion within the unknown without enough practical and grounded (self-)support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel thorn for so many years between seeing a potential and living a potential and within this, feeling myself as ‘less than’ who I perceive in and as the mind that I can be, without really seeing, realizing and understanding the extensive process that is existing between seeing and living my potential that is not easily stepped in and walked as something that is most challenging for myself and everyone else to really walk in and as this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think lite’ about the challenging process of stepping into the unknown and within this, letting go of the control of my own mind-programming as ‘that what I know’ and through this ‘thinking lite/light ;-)’, diminishing myself in who I am within walking what I am physically able to in that specific moment and so walk moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through the eyes of my own mind and within this, create a ‘matrix’ or ‘breeding ground’ for ‘feeling less than’ and ‘feeling better than’ others in/as myself within comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself through a separation of my physical stability as ability, within my emotional dependency as inability in/as the mind and so creating this emotional/mind dependency as self-inability in/as the physical and sabotaging and stopping my physical ability as potential to give birth to a child (and to give birth to myself as life as well).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and stop my own physical ability as potential to live, within listening to and living in and as my emotional dependency in/as the mind, instead of stopping my emotinal dependency in/as the mind and stepping into this physical doorway of opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself physically and within and as self-expression from a starting-point of fear for the unknown, thinking and believing that I cannot make it, that I will fall into depression and fall apart and crash down if and when I would let go of this emotional dependency in/as the mind as the ‘one and only relationship’ that I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am right and make the right decision when and as I follow that what I know within my emotional dependency in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to hear another advise that is saying that I am allowed to reconsider my decision that I firstly made as a safe ground to walk on, although I do realize somewhere within that moment that I skipp a part of myself to invest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is a possibility to skipp a part of myself to invest and thinking and believing that I ‘do come away with this’ and that I ‘can escape’ somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a dream as a ‘consciousness sign’ as a confirmation of my decision in safe ground and to not listen to a practical, physical advise from a friend who is opening up a dimension within and as myself that I have not yet considered, simply because I experience too much fear to open it up and rather stick to consciousness as what know and so, what I believe that I can control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to let go of my limited consciousness system if and when it is not or no longer at my advantage and to want to keep it when and as I think that it is or can be at my advantage and so, separating myself within this conflict of not standing absolute in equality and oneness as what is best for myself as live as a whole, this as a way to avoid the difficult and unknown parts within and as myself to walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to walk around the difficult parts within and as myself, thinking and believing that ‘I do not know how to do this’ but actually to avoid unpleasant experiences within and as myself (that I for example have connected to ‘not knowing how to do this’).

When and as I see myself participating in a thought of ‘I do not know how to do this’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am avoiding an unpleasant experience within and as myself.

I commit myself to allow myself to experience the unpleasant and within this, using the tool of self-forgiveness and breathing, to walk through and see what opens up as possible solution and I commit myself to keep pushing and walking, no matter how slow it goes, no matter how tired I feel or really physically am; this can not be an indication to not push through but even more an indication that I need to keep pushing because ‘going back’, is not an option, where in I realize that this is part of the birthing process of birthing myself as life, in and as the physical, walking through all tge layers of consciousness and taking responsibility for how I have separated myself within all these systemized dimensions.

When and as I see that I ‘think lite’ of the challenging process of stepping into the unknown as no longer following consciousness programming and letting go of a control-mechanism, from myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the theory is easy but really walking it is a different story because in many layers, there are stored unpleasant experiences as moments of an experience of ‘loosing control’ as misunderstanding of what is happening and here I need to walk backwards through these experiences one by one, to be able to forgive as understand myself in this specific experience so that from here, I enable myself to change into a way that is supportive and best for myself and/as others that are involved as well.

I commit myself to keep on supporting myself within the constant and consistent application of breathing, writing and introspection within self-forgiveness as self-understanding and to do this with perseverance, to be able to stand and keep standing within the moment, without taking control in/as the mind and then seeing what opens up, no matter if I fail or fall or apparently not am moving myself and no matter how miserable I experience myself for a while or certain timeframe –  and so, I live and ground myself in and as the word perseverance.

When and as I see myself judging a control-mechanism, from myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that judging in itself is a form of control as the only way that I have learned and seen in and as the mind to try to solve things, when actually the judging in itself keeps the door closed for possible and livable solutions.

I realize that the unpleasant experiences are actually coming from an idea as judgement of how things should be.

I commit myself to start with naming and forgiving the experience that comes up that I find unpleasant, in the moment that I see myself judging a control-mechanism and to name and forgive the idea as judgement within and as myself and I commit myself to first become stable within this and from here, see what needs to be directed within the situation itself that I then can open up without ‘being upset’ and ‘feeling controled’, because then I have already directed myself and so, no longer controling myself with an idea and unpleasant experience and I commit myself to keep on practising this self-stability because,

this in itself is already a change in direction within and as myself and all these little moments of apparently loosing control, are opportunities to change direction, within and as myself.

Previous blog: 20. Searching for the life within me

Next blog: 22. looking back without considering the mind

———————————————————————————————————————————

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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

 

Dag 740 – 20. Searching for the life within me

This blog is related to record 20: Searching for the life within me

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a programming of giving birth to another life as a way to try to experience the ‘gift of life’ so to speak, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the gift of life is existing within me as a potential that I can ‘breathe life in’ through bringing me back to myself from the separation in and as my own consciousness, within the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and the living of words in a way that is best for all, in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within trying to give birth to another life, separate myself more from myself and the potential of ‘the gift of life’ within and as myself, because of more and more following thoughts, emotions and feelings related to the polarity of having or not having the possibility to become pregnant and so, making it dependent on something that is already separated from myself in and as my mind as a programming existing.

Here to mention that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with becoming pregnant or having this as something one would like to create, as long as it is coming from a starting-point of stability, responsibility and common sense and actually would be most cool if one is able to firstly walk some years into an understanding of what it means to be self-responsible, to learn and see the influence of thoughts, emotions and feelings within/as self and how to direct oneself within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the potential of birthing myself as life from the physical, to make this dependent on giving birth to another life and so, making something outside myself responsible for myself as the potential as life within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself unhappy and emotional by making myself dependent on something or someone outside myself and more and more, loose sight of myself within my potential.

When and as I see myself becoming emotional and unhappy, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I make my potential to be here, to be in breathe and express myself, that I make this dependent on something or someone outside myself.

I commit myself to investigate why and how I make my self-expression dependent on something or someone else and to see what it is that I fear (to happen or loose) and from here, forgive myself accordingly and live the correction by practising my experession from a point of self-responsibility, as in being aware of the responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and emotions, words and deeds and expressing myself within and as this awareness.

Previous blog: 19. Playing Russian Roulette

Next blog: 21. Opportunity to change direction

—————————————————————————————————————-

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De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 738 – 19. Playing Russian roulette

This blog is related to record 19: Playing Russian roulette

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play Russian Roulette and in this way, ‘let Nature decide’ instead of making a grounded decision after considering all dimensions within and without myself that are involved in the act of having intercourse while having a biological clock ticking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to walk a ‘Russian roulette’ as physical consequenses to be able to stand up and forgive/correct myself from a situation in the past that I had not walked within self-awareness, instead of having the tools and being able to forgive myself within writing and speaking and so, preventimng myself from walking consequenses in and as this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the creation of physical consequences and wanting myself as how I see I could be and walk within my potential, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind-programming has been physically manifested and integrated within and as myself and within and as this physical existence and so, it takes a physical process to walk through and eventually stand up in and as myself, while walking through the consequences, to come to a point of self-responsibility, within and as self-awareness and self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not yet being able to live as how I imagine I could within my utmost potential, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I look from a mind-perspective to myself as ‘how I could be’, instead of seeing how I am within the reality of this moment and from here, support myself to take responsibility for myself in those area’s and dimensions that I see that need alignment to a more considering approach of myself (and/as others) as life as a whole.

When and as I see myself tending to ‘let Nature decide’ as not taking direction of a situation to make a decision in, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am allowing myself to let myself being influenced by a desire that I have not yet investigated within and as myself and so, that I have not yet taken responsibility for.

I commit myself to find out what desire makes that I tend to let something or someone outside myself decide what will happen within myself or my life, in area’s that I actually do have a say in and from here, forgive myself the related emotion or feeling within the desire, to take of the load so to speak and from here, take responsibility by taking the time to consider all dimensions within and as myself that I am having access to in that moment, before making life-changing steps or decisions.

When and as I see myself fearing and/or judging physical consequences, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear I experience consist of a judgement, as giving more or less value to something, more or less than seeing and understanding it for what it is.

I commit myself to embrace physical consequences when and as they are here and to use them to align myself to the living of my potential in consideration of myself and others, connected in and as life, within the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and while doing this, standing up and learning to direct – myself as well as the situation that I am involved in – to an outcome that is best for all and within the capacity of my own body, being and mind.

I commit myself to while doing so and ‘walking back’, meaning walking through my own mind-creations, to take responsibility for what I have created and within this, ensure to support myself and/as others as well, to eventually prevent creating unneccessary consequences again.

When and as I see myself judging myself (or/as another) for not yet living my that what I see that I am capable of as my utmost potential, to stop and breathe.

I realize that I look from a mind-perspective to myself (and/or others) and from here, create an idea of how I could be, instead of seeing who I am in the reality of the moment.

I commit myself to be and become self-honest with who I am in the reality of the moment and from here, take responsibility for the flaws through the application of self-forgiveness and then correct myself as aligning myself to a more considering approach of life as a whole.

Bernard Poolman:

“Engage the problem to understand the problem. Place yourself in all positions to gain a multi dimensional understanding. Observe where you have an interest you want to protect and why you want to protect it and justify your position. For instance – with money – place yourself with little money having to buy food and educate your children, then increase the money and see how your choices change –and then have a lot and see how you change – and then have equal money –enough for all and see why it is you are unable to give to others, yet you want for yourself – why this need to be better exist when it is not based in reality, but rather in an obsession to judge others, in an obsessive idea of inequality that makes you fear others will abuse you if there is equality – then find it in you to correct yourself to transcend the fears that you use to justify inequality –remembering the various conditions you have experienced through your imagination –now you have learned an effective way to use imagination—to understand how others live, without you having to go through it directly –make this experience valuable by changing that within you that cause others to suffer and then you will experience enlightenment and the world will become a better place when you make sure your experience that you integrate of a world where all have enough, becomes the world system in education, economics, education, politics, healthcare –we all have the capacity to teach ourselves –once we have removed our own justifications and fear of others as equals”

Previous blog: 18. Using emotional manipulation

Next blog: 20. Searching for the life within me


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De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 735 – 17. A relationship ending (in the past)

This blog is related to record 17: A relationship ending

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to …

I do not really find a point moving within me while listening to this recording nr 17 – which is cool as then I have this dimension walked through, I also hear this in my voice and how I speak about it. However I can expand some on the subject and on ‘the ending of a relationship’ in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of ending relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it sad how relationships are ending and then an interaction is often stopping and coming to an end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulties with the word ‘ending’ and actually, want to keep relationships continuing and ‘never ending’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make a ‘never ending story’ out of a relationship where it more sounds like walking in circles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find that he ‘should have taken time to sit down and communicate’, where in I do see that I ‘find something’ of a point in this recording, although I do not experience a reaction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as a non valid reason to end a relationship and to ‘expect more’, that he found it too much of an effort and too uncomfortable to sit down and talk once a week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now experience myself how uncomfortable and ‘unknown’ it is to really communicate with a partner and bring forward my selfwill and what I stand for, so much that I myself tend to step back and give up and to use reactions of another as a reason to not push through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a concept in this in my mind, that I can use as a guideline of how to support the communication with a partner, where I do not find any of such as the concepts that I have in/as experience, in/as my mind, do not work at all in a current situation and here I see that in the past with this partner that I speak about in the record, I was placing the communication in a concept that worked for me but not for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I worked with a concept that was supportive for me but not for him, and so I felt comfortable in it but he not and so, I did have a form of control in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to concepts that I know in/as my mind and so that I feel comfortable in, to use as a way to communicate without seeing, realizing and understanding that this concept works for me but not for the other and so by pushing my concept, I keep the control which activates probably an unpleasant and some sort of diminishing experience in the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in place within a concept of communication without really seeing what kind of effect this has on another, because I am convinced that ‘my concept works’, without considering that ‘it works for me’ and how I have myself build up in/as my mind-programming, which is different than how another has build himself or herself up in/as his/her mind-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that I am still working with concepts as a way to try to keep the experience of control alive within/as myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, I will not birth myself in sound in self-expression, because here will be no concept as control anymore, but more a walking breath by breath, moment by moment that I do not have ‘a concept for in my mind’, but that I will learn by doing so while walking within the guidelines of standing within principle and considering all as myself as life and considering where we are all situated in this process.

When and as I see myself trying to communicate in a way that another is not responding well to, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am pushing my concept of communicating that is comfortable for me but perhaps not for another, and although it may contain principles that are best for all, this doesnot mean that it is directly the best way to communicate.

I commit myself to push myself to try and find ways to communicate that are working for myself as well as for another.

When and as I see myself wanting to give up because a communication is not going smoothly, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I do not have any reference of how to do this, other than walking it in real time and finding ways by applying the principles of what is best for all, within my communication and finding words that will support me in this and from here, can be of support for another and I realize that I will make mistakes in this as a trial and error process, not as ‘I can make mistakes no matter what’ but more as a realistic approach of walking into new area’s.

I commit myself to be gentle and patient with myself in this and I do not allow myself to give up, but rather breathe, step back and take time to find out what I need to align within myself, what experiences are coming up that I need to define, forgive and replace with a supportive word to live and while doing so, slowly slowly create a new approach for myself that is flexible, supportive and alligned within the principles of equality and oneness and that I can use and stand in as self-expression within consideration of myself or another as life.

When and as I see that I compromise or have compromised myself or another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that we are all grown up in compromising situations from the very beginning and so, the compromising words, patterns and behaviours will come up to take responsibility for.

I commit myself to take responsibility for the compromising words, patterns and behaviours that I see coming forward in myself and my life within the application of self-forgiveness and to be aware to not create more energy around this than necessary to walk through, meaning, to not make it ‘more bad because I have compromised myself or another’ but to see it practical and realistic as consequenses that need to become visible and walked through.

When and as I see myself ‘expecting more’ within a communication, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I look from my onw concept towards another and then expect another to understand my concept.

I commit myself to look into the word ‘expectation’ within communication, for/within myself and how to communicate with another without expecting it to be understand or taken on as how I understand and take it on.

A process to be continued…

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Previous blog: 16. Shame and compromising

Next blog: 18. Using emotional manipulation


Proces van zelfverandering:

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www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 731 – Self-honesty, self and relationships

self-honesty

Continuing on previous blog.

For more than 6 years now, I am actively walking a process where in it is a core-point for me to transcent the ‘dependency’ within partnership. Through my life, I have had several partners and a pattern existing within this of starting and stopping. I could not find a way to keep my individuality and at the same time, be/become intimate in my sharing with another. I was not able to stand alone within partnership.

Now, what then does this mean? To stand alone? I learned how to stand alone when being/living alone, without a partner but then within this there is a tendency to search for a partner and when there is a partner, I often lived in a fear of loss or, the partner was existing in this pattern. All because, so I found out, the starting-point was not clearly cross-referenced within both: no discussions about what both want and/or are able to within a partnership and how to create this and how to give and how to support and what means love etc. So the starting-point was basicely still based on preferences and convenience, without really being self-honest to myself and to another about who I am and what I stand for.

This coming forward out of a ‘fear of loss’, as well when the relationship started but also on forehand, like not believing that any man that I like and who likes me and within the practical possibilities, would be willing to live with me and at the same time taking responsibility for oneself. So it is like a compromising on forehand, like, okay better live with someone halfway than living alone all my life (where this ‘all my life’ is what is showing this disbelief and fear ‘that I will never find a partner who is willing to stand with me when and as I am standing within a starting-point of self-honesty’).

But, here under, is hiding my own convenience. Of not willing, mixed with a ‘not knowing how’ to support another and push the principles where in another is given the opportunity to live accordingly to principles that are best for both (and from here, best for all) and expand as well. Not knowing how because I have never done this before or never had an example and so, it is all new to learn and develop. But what I actually mostly see is a convenience within myself about not willing to change and do the hard and dirty work, of step by step walking through all the shit that is coming up and directing myself and the situation in this. And here in I see, I am existing in judgement.

From not standing within and as my self-honesty of what I am accepting and allowing within myself and from here, tolerating within a relationship, I am existing in judgement, which leads to a fear of loss. Because I placed this partnership in the place of my self-honesty and from here, the separation from and within myself is existing and so I make myself dependent on the partner and on the partnership and on the physical intimicy. Within this I am existing in judgement all the time, I am hiding, I keep distance and push the other away (in fear as judgement) as a reflection of how I am in disagreement with and as myself and fear/judge myself for this, as long as I am not self-honestly facing this.

For 6-7 years I am looking at the theory of what it means to stand alone and live in/as self, as in not ‘missing another’ (as a reflection of missing myself)  where in I now see that the word ‘self-honesty’ is giving so much more clarity in this, as this is what I can define for myself. This is an active process that I have walked and am still walking and this is what I recently found within myself (hidden deep within myself) where in I kept my ‘preference’ at first place and secondly I tried to align my self-honesty with this, where I had to turn this around and place my self-honesty first and foremost and from here, look at how to align my preferences to this, if and when possible in a practical and considering way. Thus this means that I have to make peace with the possibility (or call it ‘risk’) that I have to let go of some of my preferences if I find that I am not able to live with it, practical, physical and according to my integrity.

This is an example of how we trade places in and as the mind and how we place our preferences above our self-honesty and from here, we make ourselves dependent on these preferences that we need to fulfill with something or someone outside ourselves. It can be anything: money, sex, love, food, drugs, alcohol, gaming, traveling, shopping, sleeping, watching tv and all variations within this.

We know in theory that we do this, we all know it somehow, however really seeing it within ourselves and understanding how we have exactly created this, is a whole other story, even from the point where we make the decision to change this within ourselves. For this, we need to walk what we call ‘a process’ through time.

It is possible that we have integrated this self-dishonesty in our physical body; in this case walking out of it, means to walk a physical process, through physical manifested consequences within our own body, as for example in my case, the consequence of a spastic colon.

To be continued


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 727 – 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

This blog is related to record 14: Examples of trying to make it up

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically step in a relationship through having sex in an early stage and within this, ‘bounding’ myself emotionally to this other one where in I feel like I am already too far in and as if I cannot step back anymore and first investigate what the possibilities are of really stabnding and walking with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am able to have a sexual interaction without having clarity about a commitment towards each other as in a relationship/agreement and so from here, keep on stepping in physically and committing physically in a way, without first investigating the possibilities of standing and walking together and checking our principles, ability and willingness to really stand and walk together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devided within a mind-approach and believing to be able to already physically involve and a physical-being approach where in I look at and investigate all dimensions to possibly stand and walk with another being and look at how another being is willing and able to walk and stand with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the desire to have a relationship and the desire to become pregnant, by stepping in ‘too fast’ and already committing in a way while within common sense, I know there is more time needed to investigate where we both stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something so badly that I am willing to compromise my own standing and integrity that I actually had never developped and so, in a way knowing what to stand for but not being able to really, on all levels, be able to stand and keep standing within my integrity and within principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a stranger in my own house when the children of my partner in that time came over for the weekend, as I did not know how to involve with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to involve with my partner and his children coming over and within this, start separating myself from the situation and completely pulling back within myself and within some place in the house that I could find to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become some kind of monster within myself and towards my partner when and as his children came over for the weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everything would go better and become more in balance when and as I would have a child of my own within this situation, which may be so in a way, however it is a way of first trying to create a situation in physical reality where in I could have supported myself so much more if and when I had the tools to bring the feelings, emotions, backchat, reactions etc coming up within me – to first or while wwalking bring this back to myself, to also within the moment, make it more comfortable and enjoyable for myself as well as for my partner to walk this path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it very heavy for myself and my partner to walk a certain situation, because of not yet being able to take responsibility for my own feeling, emotions, reactions, backchat etc coming op related to the situation that I and we were living in and through this, putting so much load on the relationship and the situation as a whole that eventually maye have contributed to the ending of the relationship.

When and as I see myself becoming/experiencing myself and the situation with a partner as ‘heavy’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have emotions, feelings, reactions, backchat coming up within me that I do let decide how I experience myself and that from here, is defining who I am within that what I live.

I realize that the emotions, feelings, reactions, backchats, are coming forward out of thoughts and/or a way of trying to control my reality and so, out of trying to wanting a certain outcome, which I can see is related to aspects of my childhood where in I as a child, want a certain outcome, trying to enforce this on/towards my parents.

I realize that a form of control exists as a form of fear of not getting the outcome that I would like to see or desire and then within this an experience as belief that I would/could not exist anymore without this certain outcome.

I realize that within existing in and as fear as control, I speak and behave in a way that is putting a stamp in each situation and interaction and that is triggering others within their experience of control/fear, which is then again triggering my experience of control/fear and so on.

I realize that within contributing to creating this ‘heavy’ atmosphere, I make it more ‘heavy’ (meaning, separating myself from the reality and participants that I am involved in and with) than things need to be within each moment of breathe and that at the moment, I do have the tools to support myself to be stable and bring myself back to stability when and as a form of control/fear comes up.

I commit myself to name the desired outcome and to name the experience of fear of loss in a certain moment of conflict, for and within myself, to stop and to forgive/let go the desired outcome and instead, allow myself to move on and as the pace of my breathing and finding a living word to ‘hold on to’ within a specific moment that I need to bring stability in, within and as myself;

where in I realize that the only real and lasting way to ‘make it up’ within and as myself, is within taking full responsibility for and as myself and for the fear/control as reactions, emotions, feelings, backchat, thoughts that are coming up within and as myself, to not desire a specific outcome as ‘making things up’ for a mistake in the past, but to step by step, moment by moment, forgive and correct the mistakes within and as who I am within each moment of breath in and as a process that I walk from consciousness to awareness.

dak

Previous blog: 13. Trying to make it up

Next blog: 15. The insemination


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive