Dag 414 – To be Right – Self-Corrective Application

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Day 413 – To be Right

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself in a moment participating just before making a decision ‘to be right’ and so, about to decide that I, because of this perceiving to be right, can step in convincing another being of ‘my right’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I do not have ‘a right to convince another’, no matter if what I speak about is infact so.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself about to go stepping into the mind in and as a convincement, to stop, to breathe, and to within breath, take a moment to be silent within myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself observing this one moment of checking within myself if ‘this is the right thing to do’ before stepping in a convincement, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I am right before making a decision in and as the mind, and as long as I am ‘before’, it wil be easier to stop and direct myself, and this observing is already a sign that I am ‘about stepping in’, which is a sign that I need to slow down myself, breathe, and take a moment to see what is going on inside myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I am ‘feeling one and sure’ about stepping in a convincement, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I am already participating in and as a convincement in and as myself, in and as the mind, which I am about to force on another being without taking the whole situation, myself and the other in consideration, otherwise, I would not feel the ‘urge to convince’ another being. So I stop, I breathe, I keep the moment within myself for further investigation from all dimensions before pushing through a point.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself focussing on another being while observing a point that is not aligned, to stop, to breathe, and to first check within myself if I am aligned with and as myself, and within this, being able to communicate a point clear and stable. If not, I stop, I breathe, I commit myself to first investigate the point within myself and for this moment, letting go the point within another, where in I realize that if I am not aligned, I am not really able to communicate effectively but instead create energy within myself and the other and enlarge a friction inside self, others and within the situation.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in an experience of ‘not knowing how to make this point clear’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I make the point unclear by pushing and forcing and convincing in and as the mind, so I better take a breath, slow down, and see within the moment or afterwards how communicate the point effectively without being in reaction myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself disregarding little and large signs within myself of not taking everything into consideration by pushing through within a tendency of ‘wanting to be right’, I stop, I breathe, where in I realize that I participate in and as the female-ego as ‘being right’, which is mostly coming up when I am participating in fear of loosing control in communication, and so, I commit myself to investigate what the fear is that is hiding behind the female-ego coming up as wanting ‘to be right’.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in and as a fear of ‘being wrong’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that I must have participated in and as an convincement of ‘being right’, where in I create an experience of being wrong, and so, I need to slow down myself and investigate how to move on within this point.

I commit myself to, when and as I feel it as ‘unfair’ to stop reacting when and as I am in an experience of ‘being right’, to stop, to breathe, where in I realize that there are dimensions to investigate inside myself that gives an experience of  feeling unfair’ which I try to correct within this one moment by convincing another of my ‘being right’. And so, I commit myself to investigate the memories related to this ‘unfair feeling’ experience within myself, so that I can correct myself in and as writing and application of self-forgiveness and self-correction, instead of trying to force a correction within one moment in and as reality.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself giving up myself in and as reaction, to stop, to breathe, where in although it might ‘feel right’ to step in within this one moment, I need to use my common sense – which will ‘not feel right’ at this moment, but which is using common sense in and as the awareness that reacting is not a solution in anyway. And so I stop, I breathe, and instead of ‘forcing my will upon another’, I stand up in and as self-will, in and as a force within myself, to stop myself within reaction, to stop compromising myself (and another).

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into a reaction again in and as a convincement of ‘being right’, to take the point into writing, to investigate, self-forgive and see what dimension(s) I have missed and not yet effectively forgiven myself, where in again I correct myself, in writing and in daily living, every time again, and so moving slowly in and towards effectively living in and as self-correction, in and as breath.

I commit myself to investigate where I go into submission in and as identifying myself as ‘a female’, and so within this, create a ‘need to be right’ within and as myself as a female-ego, so that and where in I forgive and correct myself, step by step,  to be and become one and equal as life, free from limitations in and as the mind related to gender-mind-constructs.

*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and compromise myself within and as a limitation of identifying myself as a female, and from this on go into submission, where in I create a believe to ‘having the right to be right’, which is actually a revenge for all the moments of submission that I have experienced in and as myself in and as identification with ‘being a female’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into submission and use this as a starting point of manipulation, where from this position of submission it is not so easy to be seen and so I have ‘free space’ to subtile manipulate in and as the mind to ‘get what I want’ as the only way I know, not seeing, realising and understanding, that within this position of submission as a starting-point in/as a personality, I have given up myself and my life-force, fully, and so I am in submission towards my own mindmanipulation in and as the creation of energy, where in I cannot even see where this submission starts, because I have become this position, in and as the mind, where in I experience the compromise within my physical body every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical body every day by going into submission in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will only be listened to if and when I become angry somehow, because I have not seen an example of direct communication and direct listening between male and female while growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a feeling of love because there was no real communication, and so a ‘feeling of love’ was the only thing that I believed as ‘keeping the connection’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that a feeling of love is enough and that communication is not needed in the first place and/or can follow up/be developped from this ‘love’, while actually it’s the other way around, that communication is the first thing to start with, and only from that starting point one is able to establish a mutual understanding of self and/as the other, and from there, to learn to live ‘love’ practical in/as equality instead of feeling love in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a mutual feeling of love is the thing to build a realtionship on, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that the starting-point of walking in/towards equality is communication, and as long as the starting-point is a feeling of ‘love’, the starting-point is actually manipulated in/as a feeling in/as the mind, keeping each other at a distance in and as fear of manipulation, as how the ‘nature of love’ is in and as itself.

Self-investigation to be continued.

Source: http://www.tenantscreeningblog.com/

Agreements
Re-Defining Relationships

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Dag 413 – To be Right

After writing out the blog of reacting to reactions, there is an example immediately where I go in reaction on reactions. When I look back, I see the moment of decision, where I decide to ‘step in’. I see a lot of points coming up that I need to write out and there is a ‘reason’ for acting like this that I will investigate; however this moment of decision is the first point that I will take self-responsibility for in self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. I would say, it is such an ‘obvious’ point and written out more than once by others, but within the reality-moment, I am full force stepping in and so not really recognize it for what it is, so the point needs writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to make it a clear flag-point for and within myself:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to step in, fully, and that I have the right to do this, because I am right in what I am speaking about, and so I fully experience as if I am right and that this is the right thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself in and as an experience of being right and so believing that this is the right thing to do, where before the decision I was able to correct myself but from this moment and further, as I decided to step in, I am directed by ‘my decision’ in and as the mind now and keep on defending myself in and as this condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my self-direction to and as a decision in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, experience and perceive stepping in the mind as ‘a right thing to do’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe this one moment within myself, of stepping in and checking in myself, very fast in a moment, where in I make the conclusion that this is the right thing to do, because it feels right and ‘one’ and which I perceive as ‘sure’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘feeling one and sure’ is leading me to the right thing to do, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘feeling right’ is coming forward out of the female-ego – a dimension that I noticed the whole conversation because I just spoken out this list of self-forgivenes-statements from Veno, but that I was not yet able to stop and correct myself so I missed some dimensions, and one of these dimensions is this ‘feeling one and sure’ – which I now see is ‘one’ because one with the female-ego as what I perceived to be, just as how the ego is set up and programmed, and ‘sure’ because I ‘feel one’ and what I speak about is ‘right’ , where in I did not take all dimensions in consideration, from myself and the other, the dimensions that I do not yet fully understand but somehow observe within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the other instead of on myself, and because I see something in the other that is ‘not right’ as not aligned, I must be right! instead of seeing, realising and understanding that 1-I may be seeing myself in the other and so project this ‘not being aligned’ on the other, which I need to check inside myself; and 2-no matter if the other is ‘right’ as aligned or not, I have no right to be right and ‘force my right upon the other’ in and as the mind,  as ‘being right’ is not the same as being aligned and ‘standing equal’ in and as the physical (in Dutch: ‘gelijk hebben’ is niet hetzelfde als ‘gelijk zijn’).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe myself doing something that was ‘not right’ taking everything in consideration, as I noticed little frictions, doubts and points to investigate, but still make the decision to step in, to be right and push through out of ‘not knowing how to do it differently’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the little and large signs within myself and the other, out of not knowing how to do it differently and not having an example of how to be equal in and as myself in communication with another being in a moment of unclarity which leads to disagreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have and create an experience of (fear of) being ‘wrong’ by participating in and as the experience of being ‘right’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up in reaction in and as a search for confirmation from another being in and as an experience of being right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as ‘unfair’ to stop reacting when and as I am in an experience of being right, where in I realise that this is part of the same ego-experience fighting for it’s existance.

Self-corrections will follow.

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Female Ego

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Dag 411 – Speaking myself through the top of a headache and see further

female symbol

Some days ago I started to see how within the whole condition of my intestines there are related emotions towards an experience of inferiority of myself as a female towards males. It was still vague and very deep located in the body, and I was somehow aware of this always, but is was also always ‘there’ so to speak, so at the same time, I was not really aware of it that one of the dimensions of the tense in my intestine is related to this experience.

I spoke quite a lot of self-forgivenesses through the day and the point started to move, and I also felt it related to the liverfunction, as some kind of emotional suppression within myself which gives my liver a difficult time to do it’s job properly ( in energetic test-results it shows often that the liver need some support in the function of detoxification). However I felt I did not really move through. At night I had a chat with my buddy, and we discussed the point. She gave me some blogs of her where she had written out a similar point some time ago.

Today my period started and I woke up with a slight headache on the background; I have this more often right before and/or at the beginning of the period; even so had my mother, it was actually the only thing that she complained about from what I remember as a child, and when here periods stopped because of the menopause, she has very seldom headaches anymore. This specific headache is started within the muscles on top of my shoulder (muscules trapezius), goes to the occiput-bones, and is also connected to some points within my large intestine where cramps are located. From what I understood from a tradionional chinese medicin practiser and also feel within my own body, is that the points are all located on the liver-meridian.

If I moved slowly and focus on relaxing my shoulders and stopping the thinking every time, the headache was ‘bearable’, and I did my daily tasks in a slow way. I had a chat with Larry and I discussed some of this point with him, and still felt in this how I was not really able to move and express within this point, and actually felt myself sitting back within this experience of inferiority as a female towards a male (which is not an experience that I have particulair towards him, it is more general existing on the background within myself, which gives a sense of ‘control’ in the communication with a male).

So afterwards, I decided to read the blogs that my buddy send me. I read them out loud and in between I added self-forgiveness on the points I saw coming up within me, related to this point. Halfway the speaking of the blogs, the area in and around my intestines became warm, emotions came up, and I could speak myself through the top of the headache while speaking the self-forgiveness. I saw why it was not something that I could write myself easily, as it where points coming up that I had not really lived myself but more points that I was actually ‘holding myself back from’, as it are points that I had seen my mother participating in quite extremely, not so much in angryness as well in a direct giving up on herself on forehand, before even speaking to the male, in and as a starting point of ‘not being listened to’, and vice versa, my father was not an ‘angry’ person at all, but could have a particular stubborn way of expressing and/or actually not expressing. So most of these signs took more place in a ‘not expressing’ rather than in expressing through angryness and other emotional voiced words.

And for myself, I tried to keep myself away as much as possible from this ‘behaviour’ coming forward out of an experience of inferiority and ‘not being listened to’,  where in I do become angry when this experience is triggered, and so in reality keeping this meant that i tried to keep  myself away from a relationship with a male that really had a chance to succeed.

I will keep on investigating this point as this is only opening up, and share some more about it if and when a point comes up that I need to write out more specificly. So far this is a moment of witnessing for myself of how to speak myself through (the top of) a physical point with the speaking and reading out load of self-forgiveness which gives relieve of the physical pain/discomfort and support to let go the stored emotional energetic experience that gives the pain and discomfort. it is also a witnesssing of how blogs from others can assist and support in walking through points inside ourselves within sounding the self-forgiveness out loud for and within ourselves, even though the words might be slightly ‘personally different’ placed; the construct is basicly the same as a construct of the experience of female-inferiority against male-superiority which is widely lived, played out, constructed and build up within and as the mind-consciousness-system within and so in and as this world-system without.

Related blogs that I read out load:

Who I am in Relation to MEN as Patriarchs: DAY 130

Why Women Use Emotional Manipulation: DAY 131

Why Women become Submissive in Discussions with Males: DAY 132

Some self-forgiveness on the most prominent points coming up within and as my own memories related to this point:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so powerless when and as I see my mother going into in what I perceive as a submissive attitude before she even started to speak about something with my father, and within this, starting to reject my mother in and as this behaviour, as I did not want to have something to do with what I saw and felt so powerless in, and so trying in and as rejecting, to keep myself away from this submission towards the male, in and as a belief that if I keep myself seperated from it, it could not really effect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel really compassion for my mother in and this behaviour as what I saw as so hopeless unable to express herself and stand up, which is a feeling that I did not allow myself to really feel and stand up in, because I myself did not know how to express myself and stand up, and so, I rejected her and within this, seperated myself from this experience of hopelessness and desperation in and as belief in the incapability of expressing self and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and so perceive myself as incapable of really directing myself in and as self-expression, while at the same time, I know and am aware of my capability to stand up in this, which gives and has given a friction and conflict within myself for so long, seperated in a vision of myself which is not compatible with how I am living myself within reality every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopelessly sad and suppressed when I see my father as what I perceive as ‘stuck within himself, not being able to express himself’, while I see as what I interpreted as the friction, stuckness and disempowerment on his face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck inside myself when and as I am not able to express myself looking at my father, which gives an experience of friction, stuckness and disempowerment within myself from which I believe I am not allowed to stand up in, because when I do stand up in this, I leave my father alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for the experience that I perceived within my father but actually was experiencing within myself, of feeling stuck, frictioned and disempowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze inside whenever I hear the subtile manipulations and little nasty tonations and words between my parents which are build up inside and so find a way out, because of this incapability of open and frank self-expression with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deeply and endless sad because of an experience of being caught within this pattern between my parents, feeling unable to change anything within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted so badly that my parents had a ‘happy and open’ marriage and if this was not possible, that they then better could have a divorce so that this pattern could be broken through and that I did no longer need to sit in between.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a divorce as the only option as solution for the problem to open up the situation in and as communication, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived myself the ‘solution of leaving a relationship’ as the only way that I saw to solve the problem as opening up the situation, experienceing myself as unable to stay and open up myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I am better of alone’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself caught in between my parents where in it even looks like that I enlarge the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I enlarge the pattern between my parents, and within this, make myself, in and as this believe, responsible for their incapability to communicate effectively together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and feel myself responsible for what I see as their incapability to communicate effectively with each other, but when I asked my mother sometimes about it, she denied everything and said she had no problems at all with it, while at the same, in the rare moments that my father expressed himself openly in his dissatisfaction and disappointment about things in his life, first thing that my mother said was ‘don’t be so negative’, and so, the communication was suppressed immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the communication with my mother by acting like ‘I am fine’ and by not really listening and or waving away her expression when she did express her dissatisfaction about little things in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to touch my fathers protectionmechanism as for me it feels like so much accumulation that it is almost imbearable and so, I should tiptoe around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I perceive as the imbearable load of what my father is suppressing inside himself as emotions and feelings and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself the imbearable load of what I am suppressing inside myself as emotions and feelings, instead of seeing, realising, and understanding how only the suppressing and accumulation makes it unbearable as being ‘too much’, while walking it through one by one, it becomes something that I am able to do and actually that everyone is/will be able to do if the tools of how to do this are provided.

*

Next day my shoulders and neck feel like ‘having more space’ to move around, the headache is still gone, and also the few hours of menstruationpain in the belly that I often have at start, did not come up this month. The tension and delay in the large intestine is still here although there is a layer on top opening up a bit, which is a point I will keep on investigating for and within myself, layer after layer.

After finishing this blog, a very intense cramping pain is coming up inside my intestine, so I lay down on the floor, push soft but constant on the pain-point, hold my legs against me to come deeper within my body and start investigating and applying self-forgiveness untill the cramp relieves, push through when the pain is unbearable, push and stay, push and stay, not giving up this time, because as Bernard says, when you cannot have it anymore, you have to push through, and so I do, it must be here, if there is a pain, there is something suppressed; until I see something of myself as who I am and within this, the cramping gives in, starts moving and releasing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in a moment of revenge (from with I do not have a direct memory, I can only see the direction within the experience which is from a very young age) choose between my father and mother, and within this, play them out against each other in and as my mind,  where in I try to hold on to my father and push anway my mother, but my father is gone, he is not here and because I have already choosen, I cannot go back, and so I have to protect myself in and as this ‘choice between’, caught within polarity in and as the mind, welcome to the evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have made ‘the wrong choice’, where in I perceive, think and believe that I cannot go back, I don’t know how to go back, and so I keep on following this pattern my whole life, playing it out within relationships where in I every time again ‘choose’ for the male who is unavailable, ‘not here’ and leave the male who is staying next to me no matter what, where in I end up alone and within this creating an experience of eternal sadness – which I know now, is generating energy within myself – and for a long time blaming my mother for the whole set up within myself, because she is the only one that is still here and involved in it within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret to not really see how my mother was always standing with me – with her ‘faults’ of course but she was here – because I turned away from her, looking for the one that was missing, believing that he must be somewhere, I felt ‘this love’ inside, I know ‘he loves me’, so where is he?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand where he is and why he is not coming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not finding him, for pushing him/my father away, and so she has to ‘pay for it’, and so I push her away, even so as I blamed her for doing this – an eye for an eye – within and as my perceive and believe that she ‘did this to me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand and believe that I did this to me, to my father and my mother in and as my mind; that I trapped myself within this fall, the fall of the mind in and as an eternal revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my breath away in and as a moment of scare within myself for myself as who I am in and as revenge, in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to my father in an undefined moment with my mother that I felt threathened by her, but he is not here, I cannot find him and so I have nowhere to go but to go into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive and believe that leaving brings a solution as safety, instead of seeing, realising and understanding, that within leaving, going into and as the mind, I make myself vulnerable for every manipulation in, as and of the mind and ‘loose my safety’ as being here, equal and one with and as the physical at the moment that I choose to leave where at the same time, from now on I need to ‘protect’ myself as who I am in and as this decision of leaving as what is not best for all, so I need to ‘keep on leaving’ to keep the pattern alive as protectionmechanism from seeing myself in the face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay in and as the experience of fear of lost, because I choose to leave and lost myself within this in and as the physical within this one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive my father on forehand for everything and to blame my mother on forehand for everything and within this, giving my self-directivess away, creating separation and conflict within and without myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep looking for love outside myself that I perceived I lost once while searching for my father ‘to protect me’, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that it was an experience inside myself, reflecting with and as my father, and so looking outside myself is only seperating myself in and as projection on another human being, even if it happens as a very young child with my father, the principle is the same.

I commit myself to forgive myself the layers upon layers that I created within myself after taking my breath away, and correct myself evenso in and as stopping the revenge in the moment when it comes up, perhaps suppressed in and as a physical pain, investigating and forgiving it specific, until and where in I, slowly but surely, stand up, equal to who I am as the mind, to enable myself to become equal to and one with and as life in and as the physical as what is best for all as life.

I commit myself to stop leaving, to stay here and sort out myself.

To be continued within myself as the pain is moving and opening up a little.

Thank you.

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Male Ego

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Female Ego

enjoying the day

Desteni-I-Process-Lite

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 375 – The gift of Life by Roos – preference and ignorance

PENTAX Image

Day 374 – How Every Breathe Counts

In the beginning when Roos came to me with her mother (some one brought them to me), she was not my ‘favorite’. She reminded me of patterns that I react on in myself, Of course I took care of all the physical needs from the beginning and ‘liked’ her as an animal, but there was something that I kept distance in, I ‘let’ her in a way. Her mother was ‘my favorite’ and it always seemed that Roos took care of herself, that she did exactly what she wanted without ‘paying attention’ on her surroundings and that she didnot need so much attention, although she was very present herself. In the last year of her life, it came to my awareness that she also wanted to have some ‘extra attention’ as some support in her expression. So we started this, I made a flower remedy for her, as I do sometimes when an animal needs some assistance. And from that moment we walked together and it was really fun. She became old, and lost her hair, so I had walking a very little, half bald quinea pig in the house. She lost her ‘beauty’ as her pelt. I took her with me more often and after eating and treatment for her hair, she was sitting against me, and she liked it to sit like that, I think also because she had less hair, so some hands around her gave some warmth and protection. Within this, I started seeing her, and seeing her means really liking her expression. Sometimes I had reactions on her bald appearance, and sometimes I had reactions on her poo all through the house.

This point of preference is related to the evening before she died. Because I was looking into myself, would I have ignored Roy (the male quinea pig) the same for one moment if he would ask for my attention so prominent? Would I not check on him one more time before going to bed? As I see it, the answer is no. So, to my shame, I notice that preference has played a role in my behaviour of self-interest as ignorance the evening before Roos died.

Which leads to my behaviour of preference towards human beings, especially related to my mother, and my ignorance in this towards her callings for attention. My behaviour in preference towards ‘males’ which I see as more ‘relaxed’, and from which I want attention, and in this ignoring the attention from the female who was prominent around me (my mother) and or males who are showing this behaviour. Placing my trust in males who are not asking for attention, where I see this more ‘relaxed’ as more responsible, from which I see now, this is all just an appearance and interpretation, they have not yet taken responsibility, and putting my trust in them, has always lead to compromising myself as a betrayal of myself, ignoring myself in and as self-honesty. All because of getting away from ‘too much attention on me’ from the female in my life as my mother, to which I reacted so much that I did not see another option than ignoring and walking away, and within this, of course, wanting attention form another being.

And so, I reacted in and as these points towards Roos, the evening before she died:

Preference, which I was busy correcting with Roos, but did not yet stop completely.

Getting away and ignoring too much asking for attention from a female (or male with the same behaviour)

Reactions on her poo in the house that was thinner and more that evening

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let play preference a role in my behaviour as care-taker for Roos the quinea pig, the night before she died, and within this, made a decision in self-dishonesty to not look at her for one time before going to bed when she was lying quiet under the hay and to not listen to her persistant call for attention before she jumped into the hay and became quiet, and so ignoring life as myself as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop, ignore and walk away form persistant asking for attention, out of a pattern of ‘closing myself of’ when a female (or male) is asking too much attention in which I do not know what she (he)  wants from me, and instead of breathing, staying here, and really listening and seeing and within this finding out what is going on, I automatically walk out and close the doors, locking myself in, into my own space, and locking everyone else out, to not face this uncomfortable insecurity of not knowing what the other living being wants from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really listen to Roos right before she died, and within this, missing her gift of life towards me of giving me the opportunity to stop my patternal mind-behaviour and being here with her, receiving what she wants to express unconditionally in and as life, although I maybe do not understand her completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of not accepting this gift of life and failing in taking care of her in the last moments of Roos the quinea pig, to not feel worthy to accept the gift of life anyway, which must be build up in this way, in and as an experience of so much ignorance and fear of failure within this, that I feel like unworthy to accept the gift of life towards and as myself and within this, prefer to fail on forehand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to fail on forehand out of fear of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to accept the gift of life by stopping the automatic energetic reactions in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to hear and understand what Roos wants in that moment of persistant asking for attention, and so rather lock off than opening up, not seeing, realising and understanding that just because of locking off, I will be unable to see what is here, and just because of reacting in and as this locking off, I keep myself locked in as encrypted in and as my own mindconstruct, just as it is constructed and set up as a system to keep me as a human being prison and in control, in and as the mind, to keep me away of standing up in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the signs as encryprions of the mindsystem in what could have been a moment of awareness, sharing and real care-taking in and as life, and within this, looking away from my own potential in and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself afterwards for looking away from my own potential in and as life, and in this again, looking away from the gift of life that is still here, given by Roos with her life, as something that I can decide to accept in every moment of breath and so change myself within this breath by breath in and as self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is ‘too bad’ what I have done, and so feeling unworthy to decide to change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience of ‘too bad’ – in Dutch ‘te erg’, is an experience in and as enERGy which makes me feel like ‘te erg’ as ‘too bad’, and so keeping myself enslaved again in and as these enERGetic reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see males who are not asking for attention, as more relaxed as not asking for attention and translate this as more responsible, and so seeing ‘relaxed’ and ‘not asking for attention’ as responsible, in which I start wanting the attention of these appaerently relaxed beings, and within this walking out of my own self-responibility as a female in and as compromising myself to get from and give attantion towards males who are relaxed as not asking for attention, where in this case, I compromised the life of Roos as a female quinea pig who was asking very persistant and prominent for my attention by going into reaction in and as the mind and within this, missing out on the request of life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the attention I get from females and/or males who are asking for and also within this, giving me a lot of attention, but instead of this, out of a feeling of being uncomfortable and ‘not knowing what to do with it’, turning myself towards males who are not giving attention at all but walk out in and as self-interest, although their intention is ‘good’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust on intention – which is in and as the mind – instead of on practical daily interaction and physical proof.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like all the poo on the floor, the night before she died, which I used as a reason for putting her in her own space with some wood before it for that evening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get distracted by the poo on the floor that became more that evening and thinner, and reactions in myself on this as being dirty and not hygienic, and within this going into control in and as the mind and within this, not listening to Roos, asking for my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like getting overwhelmed when the house gets too dirty, and at the same time having difficulties with pushing myself to clean it all up, and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting overwhelmed by myself in and as the mind with no physical moove anymore as cleaning up the house, within and as an experience of it as ‘being too much’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that the thoughts and reactions in and as the mind, is what is getting me really dirty and not some poo on the floor in the house which I can clean up afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable as it ‘being too much’ to clean up all the dirt in and as the mind, and so fear getting overwhelmed by it, and from that being unble to physically move, and so instead of stopping the dirt in and as the mind, in and as reactions, I suddenly start controling the dirt on the ground in the house, existing in and as fear that otherwise it will never stop and so become too much for me, which is a projection of experiences of myself in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experiences in and as the mind, on the physical existance, and within this, controling life in and as self-expression in and as the physical.

*

So far for today.

I will walk the point of lonelyness / fulfillment and specialness / making relationships personal in blogs to come, as well as self-commitment statements.

PENTAX Image

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Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Equal Life Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation
Proces van zelfverandering:

www.desteniiprocess.com
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
www.desteni.org
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
De Desteni Boodschap – Wat doen we ermee?:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/dag-235-de-desteni-boodschap-wat-doen-we-ermee/
Zelfvergeving als Toegift aan jeZelf:
https://ingridschaefer1.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/dag-299-zelfvergeving-als-toegift-aan-jezelf/

Dag 175 – Zelfvergevingen op relaties – 8 – grapjes over man en vrouw

Dag 168 – Zelfvergevingen op relaties – 1 – relatiecheck

Dag 169 – Zelfvergevingen op relaties – 2 – alleen bij jou zijn

Dag 170 – Zelfvergevingen op relaties – 3 – iemand leuk vinden

Dag 171 – Zelfvergevingen op relaties – 4 – ik ben niet goed genoeg

Dag 172 – Zelfvergevingen op relaties – 5 – tijd

Dag 173 – Zelfvergevingen op relaties – 6 – voorbereiding nodig

Dag 174 – Zelfcorrecties op relaties – 7 – voorbereiding nodig

Ik reageer op grapjes van mannen over hoe mannen alleen maar seks willen met verschillende vrouwen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me onderdrukt te voelen door grapjes over man en vrouw, over hoe een vrouw zo haar best doet en de man ondertussen alleen maar seks wil, bewust of onbewust.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me onderdrukt te voelen door de man in het algemeen die de zogenaamde vrijheid impliceert alleen maar seks te willen en hiermee voordoet tevreden te zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb enorme kwaadheid op te voelen komen bij zogenaamde grapjes over man en vrouw-generalisaties als programmering.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me terug te trekken uit een conversatie met een man als er grapjes over man en vrouw gemaakt worden, waarin ik het per direct opgeef om ooit een relatie als agreement in gelijkheid te starten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb het per direct op te geven als een man een grapje maakt waarin de onderdrukking van de vrouw naar voren komt, waarin ik zie dat ik niet alleen een mogelijkheid tot agreement met een ander opgeef, maar ook mijn eigen potentieel tot het wandelen van een agreement in gelijkheid met een man, en dus mezelf opgeef, dit alles door een uitspraak van een programmering van een man.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb de programmering van de man te geloven en aan te nemen als meer waard dan de vrouw, waarin ik automatisch de programmering van de vrouw als minder waard aanneem.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb de man de schuld te geven van de onderdrukking van de vrouw, in plaats van in te zien dat zolang ik toestem in de reactie van onderdrukt worden/minderwaardig voelen als vrouw op een uitspraak van een man, ik zelf deze onderdrukking in stand houd en in mezelf creeer door geloof in mijn eigen mind-programmering als vrouw.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te begrijpen waarom zulke grapjes gemaakt moeten worden, ook al is er bekend dat het ‘slechts’ grapjes zijn en niet iets wat man en vrouw als mens ondersteunt, aangezien grapjes vaak helemaal niet grappig zijn maar spotjes, lichtjes om energie te genereren in/als bewustzijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb in het verleden deel te nemen in grapjes over man en vrouw en de ongelijkheid in deze programmering, en hierin mezelf stoer voor te doen alsof ik het ok vind, alsof het me niets doet, alsof ik er wel om kan lachen, om mijn kwetsbaarheid als ervaring van onderdrukking als vrouw in/als bewustzijn te verbergen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mijn kwetsbaarheid te verbergen, waarin ik mezelf (en de ander) niet de mogelijkheid geef onszelf te corrigeren in deze ongelijkheid die in zelf bestaat, en in plats hiervan toesta de ongelijkheid te laten bestaan.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb grapjes over man en vrouw persoonlijk te nemen, waarin ik in dit persoonlijk nemen de positie aanneem van machteloosheid, machteloos onderworpen aan mijn eigen programmering als vrouw, welke ik projecteer in kwaadheid op de man, om vervolgens weg te blijven bij de man.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf op te geven door te geloven dat ik niet in staat ben tot een agreement door de ongelijkheid in de programmering in man en vrouw, waarin ik dus mezelf in proces opgeef voor het niet-hebben van een relatie, welke hetzelfde als mezelf opgeven in een relatie in/als bewustzijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf in proces tot zelfrealisatie op te geven voor een polariteit in/als de mind als bewustzijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb een enorm wantrouwen te hebben ontwikkeld ten aanzien van de man, in angst dat de man zichzelf niet zal corrigeren aangezien hij in/als bewustzijn de overheersende partij is en dus niet zomaar de machtspositie zal opgeven voor een communicatie in eenheid en gelijkheid met een vrouw.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb in mijn wantrouwen naar de man, mijn positie in/als bewustzijn als vrouw in onderdrukking, in stand te houden en hiermee zelf een machtspositie als vrouw in/als wantrouwen naar de man te creeren, en hierin op mijn beurt in/als bewustzijn de man te onderdrukken.

Ik realiseer me dat mijn proces tot zelfrealisatie een proces is wat ik ten alle tijden kan lopen. Door dit proces afhankelijk te maken van het al dan niet samen zijn met een man, in relatie in/als bewustzijn, maak ik mezelf minderwaardig aan het bewustzijn en hierin aan de programmering in het bewustzijn dus als vrouw onderworpen aan de man zoals in de programmering staat. Deze afhankelijkheid wordt getriggerd door grapjes over de ongelijkheid in bewustzijn tussen man en vrouw, welke ik vervolgens onderdrukt heb door schaamte over mijn afhankelijkheid van de man, welke ik niet begrepen heb als afhankelijkheid van mezelf als bewustzijn, maar als afhankelijkheid gezien heb van de ander(=de mind), welke ik niet wil en niet wil laten zien, hierin dus wegstop en vervolgens mezelf geen mogelijkheid geef om hierin op te staan aangezien ik niet zie wat er gebeurt en ik geloof afhankelijk te blijven van de ander/de man. Wat ik niet wil, etc.

Hierin stel ik me onafhankelijk op, wat een gecreeerde polariteit is van afhankelijk opstellen, en in dit onafhankelijk opstellen, los van de ander/de man, blijf ik alleen leven wat ik gedefineerd heb als alleen staan maar wat nog steeds in afhankelijkheid is van het bewustzijn in/als mezelf, dus geen alleen staan.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel de polariteit van afhankelijkheid-onafhankelijkheid in mezelf te stoppen. Ik realiseer me dat afhankelijkheid/onafhankelijkheid gecreeerd is in/als bewustzijn, in een poging om als mindenergie te overleven in polariteit. In deze polariteit zal ik niet alleen staan, hoe onafhankelijk ik me ook opstel. Hierin doe ik mezelf tekort door mezelf te isoleren in/als de mind/het bewustzijn.

Als ik mezelf zie reageren op een uitspraak van een man over de ongelijkheid tussen de programmering van man en vrouw, dan stop ik, ik adem. Ik realiseer me dat ik het persoonlijk neem in/als reactie, en dus onderzoek ik waarin ik me afhankelijk opstel van de ander=de mind als de man in dit geval. Ik pas hier zelfvergevingen op toe waarin ik mezelf bevrijd en hierin in staat stel mezelf te corrigeren in de fysieke realiteit. Indien er een mogelijkheid is tot bespreking met desbetreffende man, wat mij kan ondersteunen in het proces in mijzelf, dan doe ik dit; indien de man die de uitspraak doet geen idee heeft wat er gaande is laat ik het gaan en werk ik het alleen uit in mezelf.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel de ongelijkheid in mezelf in de defenitie van vrouw-zijn in/als bewustzijn in onderdrukking van de man, te stoppen, uit te schrijven, zelf te vergeven en te corrigeren, zodat ik in eenheid en gelijkheid in/als mezelf in het fysiek als female kan leven, waarin gelijke communicatie met een male mogelijk is.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel mijn wantrouwen in/als bewustzijn ten aanzien van de man, en hierin de gecreeerde machtspositie als vrouw naar de man toe, te stoppen, in te zien en zelf te vergeven/corrigeren. Ik realiseer me dat ikzelf de enige ben die dit kan stoppen in mezelf en mezelf hierin kan veranderen, zodat uiteindelijk mijn omgeving mee verandert als weerspiegeling van mijn innerlijke verandering. Zolang ik reageer op ongelijkheid in mijn omgeving, ben ik zelf niet werkelijk verandert en zal ik opnieuw zelfonderzoek moeten verrichten.

Ik stel mezelf ten doel herinneringen uit te schrijven die ten grondslag liggen aan/in relatie staan tot mijn reactie op seksistische grapjes.

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Proces van zelfverandering:
www.desteniiprocess.com / http://www.lite.desteniiprocess.com
Mogelijkheid tot wereldverandering met gelijke kansen voor ieder-een:
www.equalmoney.org
Proces van relatie naar agreement:
www.desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships
Zelfeducatie waarin financiele ondersteuning voor een wereld in gelijkheid:
www.eqafe.com
Zelfeducatie free:
www.eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.net
Journey to Life:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life