Dag 754 – To never accept and allow it again

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’,  if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

Thanks for reading!


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Uil forgive

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Dag 750 – 29. Care as motivation

This blog is related to record 29: Care as motivation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘having a child’ and/or ‘being in a relationship’ must be ‘taken care of’ before I actually and really will be able to take care of myself in and as life and/as life as a whole, where in my self-interest – showing it’s face in ‘emotional experiences’ of ‘unfulfilled desires’ – is ‘leading me‘ or better said ‘controling me’ where in I also not take care in what is best for myself and so, I keep myself actually prisoned or controled within my own emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself locked in within the control of my emotional experiences of unfulfilled desires in which I believe that ‘I can not live without’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can not live without that what I desire, where I use this actually as a distraction within and as myself, in and as my own mind as a belief that I can not live without the control of my own mind within thoughts, feelings and emotions, as this then ‘feels like I die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘I will die’ without having a connection within and as my mind where in I channel myself into certain desires, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this I project my own mind in the ‘state of death’ or ‘sleeping state’ that I exist in within this moment while participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions and following and believing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow thoughts, feelings and emotions in and as my mind within polarity that lead up to ‘a death end’ when the energy of polarity runs out, instead of looking at ‘living words’ that are best for all, including myself, that I can assist and support myself with and ‘breathe’ myself into life with, step by step, day by day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blanko and tired here without exactly seeing what and how I do ‘hold onto’ certain experiences related to ‘love and relationships’ and what this ‘gives’ to me.

When and as I see myself participating in an experience of fear, related to a relationship, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear is an experience of the other side of the coin of the experience of love and that I may have gone into an experience of love, to not ‘feel’ the experience of fear or ‘uncertainty’ within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perhaps go into an experience of love to not feel the experience of fear or uncertainty within and as myself.

I commit myself to slow down and look carefully into the experience of fear within and as myself, within the realization that ‘fear of another’ is a thought in essence and so, there is a judgement as thought connected within and as myself, towards this ‘other’ as myself and so I also commit myself to realize that there is then most of time a self-judgement involved and so, I commit myself to keep on finding the thoughts as (self)-judgements and forgiving myself within, related to an experience of fear/love towards someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferences in life as for example I do naturally like animals and so, this is a more easy motivation for me to ‘take care’, for myself and for life as a whole and that I still do experience quite some fear as resistance to ‘people’ which is because of how the mind consciousness systems are living out the inequality.

When and as I experience a fear as resistance coming up within me in interaction with another person, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am reacting to how an inequality is living out and that I ‘fear’ to keep standing and so, I somewhere judge myself in this fear and state of ineffectiveness or, I judge myself for the same thing that I do not yet see within and as myself.

I commit myself to embrace and forgive myself for my own inequalities in and as this fear as thoughts as judgements that comes up when and as an inequality is playing out and I commit myself to find and use a living word in which I make myself more effective and directed to what I see that is supporting me to stand up, to keep standing and stable in a way that is best for myself as well as for others involved, in the small moments of every day life.

Previous blog: 28. Learned a lot

This blog is connected to the last record of this serie of self-reflection on the years of my biological fertility. I have found it of great support for myself to walk it all through and share, to free myself from a certain ‘charge’ that I experienced to it all and while doing so, I could bring it back to experiences coming up within situations in current time and bring this into self-forgiveness as well.

Thank you for reading, listening and walking with.

I will continue with what is ahead and coming up within myself and my life to take care of, within and as myself, for myself and for life as a whole. It may only reach one or a few other beings at the moment, however I do understand that a ripple effect will take place that I/we may not yet see or be aware of, as every one who is taking responsibility is part of a one+one+one.


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video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
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Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 748 – 27. Finding my stability

This blog is related to record 27: Finding my stability

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is a worst nightmare scenario to live without having been pregnant and without finding a relationship ‘on time’ to make this this happen and create a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that, because I have a desire or am ‘longing for’ something or experiencing an emotion of sadness of not having it, that I then actually ‘should have had it’ or that I ‘missed’ something, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I prefer/would like and what in self-honesty, is possible and best, is not always the same and so, I have a path to walk and bring the preferences and desires back to myself in a possible way of self-expression, where in I realize that there may and will be periods in it that are not nice, that are difficult and not how I would have wanted it, but that I need to move through breath by breath, holding on to myself within breath and move, and so I will come through by doing so until I will ‘feel better’ again and until I am able to look forward into new area’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to ‘feel good’ every moment and so trying to ‘hold on” to this in/as my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not realistic and not who I am and that it is okay to not feel good, to have difficult moments and periods, that I cannot control how things play out as it is not only me who is involved but always others as well and the world-system that we live in that is not best for all at the moment and so, it will be dificult, I will have to move through things that I ‘don’t want’ or would have wanted differently, also with regards as how I have build up systems within myself that will first come to the surface and give momenst and situations as reflections of a separated way of living, which are by nature ‘painful’ to walk through, because separation as inequality, created within energy in/as the mind, is painful in itself and so stored within my body.

When and as I see myself not feeling well and trying to ‘make myself feel better’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can embrace how I feel at the moment, that the situation I am in, is a situation that I can always use to embrace what comes up in me and see how to stand with myself in it.

I realize that this sounds easy when one is ‘doing well’ and I have seen, realized and understand and still do, how difficult and challenging it is or can be, in moments of ‘not doing well’ as in that moment, it may seem as if my world falls apart, where in I need to realize that the only thing I can really be sure of that will be here, is me, am I, is myself and what I have noticed is that I do best with myself in difficult and very challenging moments, when I am clear on what I have walked and I realize that when there are self-judgements and unclarities coming up, that I have missed moments and points within myself that now come to the surface as separations that I need to forgive and correct within myself so that next time, I will do better, I will consider more and so that I will not create the same painful experiences again, not for myself and not for others as well.

I realize that we walk through our ‘worst nightmare scenario’s’ that we have created in our own mind and the more responsibility I take within this for myself inside, the lesser consequences I will create for myself and so for others as well so I better take responsibility within self-forgiveness for what I find within myself, as this will make it easier eventually, no matter ‘how bad and unforgivable’ it may seem in the moment.

I commit myself to keep on supporting myself (as others as well but first myself) to slow down, to really be and become carefull and considererate with myself, with others and with the life within myself and/as others and to keep on exploring and expanding in this as while walking through the layers, the corrections become more subtile and specific yet at the same time, the impact is or can be of huge influence.

I commit myself to push myself to forgive myself the seemingly ‘unforgivable’ as in the core, I will find there a thought that is stored as a ‘flawed believe’ that I then have used as a pattern to start protecting and defending myself to not feel the pain again, which is actually only causing more and more pain, until I really am able to embrace and forgive the core-point and consequences that I then be part of.

I commit myself to keep on considering how everything starts within the very small and that only from the small inside to the big outside, I will be able to change and influence who I am and so, what I will create and so I commit myself to stay consistent in forgiving and correcting the small and subtile within myself, no matter how ‘futile’ it may seem from within my mind.

Previous blog: 26. A worst case scenario

Next blog: 28. Learned a lot


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 738 – 19. Playing Russian roulette

This blog is related to record 19: Playing Russian roulette

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play Russian Roulette and in this way, ‘let Nature decide’ instead of making a grounded decision after considering all dimensions within and without myself that are involved in the act of having intercourse while having a biological clock ticking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to walk a ‘Russian roulette’ as physical consequenses to be able to stand up and forgive/correct myself from a situation in the past that I had not walked within self-awareness, instead of having the tools and being able to forgive myself within writing and speaking and so, preventimng myself from walking consequenses in and as this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the creation of physical consequences and wanting myself as how I see I could be and walk within my potential, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind-programming has been physically manifested and integrated within and as myself and within and as this physical existence and so, it takes a physical process to walk through and eventually stand up in and as myself, while walking through the consequences, to come to a point of self-responsibility, within and as self-awareness and self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not yet being able to live as how I imagine I could within my utmost potential, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I look from a mind-perspective to myself as ‘how I could be’, instead of seeing how I am within the reality of this moment and from here, support myself to take responsibility for myself in those area’s and dimensions that I see that need alignment to a more considering approach of myself (and/as others) as life as a whole.

When and as I see myself tending to ‘let Nature decide’ as not taking direction of a situation to make a decision in, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am allowing myself to let myself being influenced by a desire that I have not yet investigated within and as myself and so, that I have not yet taken responsibility for.

I commit myself to find out what desire makes that I tend to let something or someone outside myself decide what will happen within myself or my life, in area’s that I actually do have a say in and from here, forgive myself the related emotion or feeling within the desire, to take of the load so to speak and from here, take responsibility by taking the time to consider all dimensions within and as myself that I am having access to in that moment, before making life-changing steps or decisions.

When and as I see myself fearing and/or judging physical consequences, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear I experience consist of a judgement, as giving more or less value to something, more or less than seeing and understanding it for what it is.

I commit myself to embrace physical consequences when and as they are here and to use them to align myself to the living of my potential in consideration of myself and others, connected in and as life, within the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and while doing this, standing up and learning to direct – myself as well as the situation that I am involved in – to an outcome that is best for all and within the capacity of my own body, being and mind.

I commit myself to while doing so and ‘walking back’, meaning walking through my own mind-creations, to take responsibility for what I have created and within this, ensure to support myself and/as others as well, to eventually prevent creating unneccessary consequences again.

When and as I see myself judging myself (or/as another) for not yet living my that what I see that I am capable of as my utmost potential, to stop and breathe.

I realize that I look from a mind-perspective to myself (and/or others) and from here, create an idea of how I could be, instead of seeing who I am in the reality of the moment.

I commit myself to be and become self-honest with who I am in the reality of the moment and from here, take responsibility for the flaws through the application of self-forgiveness and then correct myself as aligning myself to a more considering approach of life as a whole.

Bernard Poolman:

“Engage the problem to understand the problem. Place yourself in all positions to gain a multi dimensional understanding. Observe where you have an interest you want to protect and why you want to protect it and justify your position. For instance – with money – place yourself with little money having to buy food and educate your children, then increase the money and see how your choices change –and then have a lot and see how you change – and then have equal money –enough for all and see why it is you are unable to give to others, yet you want for yourself – why this need to be better exist when it is not based in reality, but rather in an obsession to judge others, in an obsessive idea of inequality that makes you fear others will abuse you if there is equality – then find it in you to correct yourself to transcend the fears that you use to justify inequality –remembering the various conditions you have experienced through your imagination –now you have learned an effective way to use imagination—to understand how others live, without you having to go through it directly –make this experience valuable by changing that within you that cause others to suffer and then you will experience enlightenment and the world will become a better place when you make sure your experience that you integrate of a world where all have enough, becomes the world system in education, economics, education, politics, healthcare –we all have the capacity to teach ourselves –once we have removed our own justifications and fear of others as equals”

Previous blog: 18. Using emotional manipulation

Next blog: 20. Searching for the life within me


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De Kronieken van Jezus

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https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 736 – 18. Using emotional manipulation

This blog is related to record 18: Using emotional manipulation

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to affirm the love and trust of another to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the point of responsibility back to myself as if I am only responsible for what I step into, where in I miss the point of responsibility for what my words and actions have as effect on another, using this ‘responsibility that each one has for oneself’ as an excuse as in that ‘this is the responsibility of that other and then that one should have better taken care of oneself’ where in I see that this is a ‘spiritual approach’ where in each is here to learn a lesson or something, instead of working together and considering all as equal as oneself and from here, see how to create a best possible outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use one’s so called ‘love’ to fulfill my own desire, instead of supporting another to become more stable in a point of dependency and from here, stand equally together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step in and out someone’s life and starting with an ‘end-goal’ in trying to become pregnant, instead of firstly stand the test of time and see if both are willing and able to stand and walk together during a life time, as a stable platform to consider giving birth to a child and raising it within a starting-point of self-responsibility and so, creating the best possible situation to be an example for the child within and as self-responsibility as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the signs within me that I am not willing to stand the test of time and instead, try to fulfill ‘as soon as possible’ an end-goal, knowing that if it doesnot happen soon, I will not be able and willing to first walk through the difficulties before considering an end-goal as becoming pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I reflect back on it, actually am wondering how I could push this point as how I did, because the point of responsibility and common sense is so far to be searched in it and so, it is obviously that within this one point, I was far far away in an illusional resporduction-programminging in/as the mind.

Here I remember how a therapist in The Netherlands is stating that for ‘nature and the body’, the importance of existance and survival is gone after the fertility has stopped around the age of 44 and the hormonal status slowly starts changing (where he is using this as a frame-work to look at health-conditions in general and how to approach this), which I see reflected in my own mind as how I have lived this out, trying to fulfill this one goal, as if otherwise, it doesnot make sense to exist or something like that.

When and as I see myself participating in an inner experience of state as that ‘it doesnot make sense’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am participating in a survival-programming in/as the mind that is physical integrated within the hormonal-/reproduction-system and so, it seems very real as the only reason to exist, as well on a mental/emotional level as being lived out on a physical level.

I realize that this is a realistic view because it is physical integrated and manifested through time and genration after generation, however it is also a limited view from a starting-point of how we have always existed in/as the mind consciousness system controling this physical existence with our beingness channeled into this limitation.

I realize that this will take time to forgive/understand and change and that this will need some more generations to fully see through and get to the the bottom of, because it is totally integrated within our physical bodies and how we have developped ourselves within, however I (and we) can start now within/as myself to see through and get to the bottom of it by walking through my mind consiousness system programming, layer by layer and forgive and direct myself within to align with a more holistic approach that is considering life as a whole.

I commit myself to walk through my mind consiousness system programming, layer by layer and forgive and direct myself within, to align with a more holistic approach that is considering life as a whole and to from here, see what effect this will/can have on the physical body and on this physical existence as a whole, for myself in this life and for each other and generations to come, to open up and forgive my/our limitations in/as the accepted and allowed mind-programming and to from here, create a physical existence that actually does make sense, because when and as I/we do exist as life – meaning considering all living beings equal and one – life in itself and it’s expression, is the sense of it, as a practical, physical and living expression of what is best for all, no matter if one is bringing forward life in the form of a new born child or in many other options as a new born creation of our utmost potential as a human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to giving birth to a possible new born child than to a new born creation of my utmost potential within the practical possibilities that I have in this physical existence.

When and as I see myself comparing something that I live and eventually create or not live or create, to what another is living and creating, I stop and breathe.

I realize that by comparing myself in any way to another, I am actually already giving more value to that other than to myself in that moment and so there is something that I do not value within myself that I need to investigate for/within myself.

I commit myself to stop my participation in comparison and from here, see what made me do so and what I do not value within myself and I commit myself to understand and forgive that what I do not value within myself, to see if I can actually do better and so need to push and support myself more to bring myself here in expression or that I have a default idea about this something that I compare myself with but that is actually not realistic and from here, I can forgive and let go this idea and bring forward myself in a more aligned self-expression.

When and as I see myself or another, using emotional manipulation, I stop and breathe.

I realize that comparison is playing a role as when and as emotional manipulation is used, this means that there is a self-value missing and instead, the value is placed on something or someone outside self, which gives an experience and status of disempowerment with all kind of possible outflaws and consequenses.

I commit myself to find the point of responsibility that is missed within that moment, within myself and/as/or within another as myself and from here, see how to best support myself and/as/or another as myself, to understand this point of responsibility and so making it possible to within this (self-)understanding and/as (self-)forgiveness, stand up, equal and one within the responsibility that emerges in and as self.

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Previous blog: 17. A relationship ending (in the past)

Next blog: 19. Playing Russian roulette


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
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The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
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Uil forgive

Dag 728 – 15. The insemination

This blog is related to record 15: The insemination

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start an insemination process from a starting-point of desire to be/become pregnant and from here, being willing to throw myself into the deep, without really considering my hesitations of my willingness to really walk with a child growing up in this world as how it exists today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to look beyond my desire to be/become pregnant and just look so far, trying to fulfill the desire and from here, the desire to ‘throw myself into the deep’ so to speak, meaning to force myself into a situation that I then cannot step back from and so to force myself into facing the difficulties within/as myself that I am seemingly not willing to take on if and when not absolutely necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take on the real challenges within and as myself if and when there is no other possibility left, as how the mind functions and as how we have set up this world up to a point of destruction before we – as humanity – are willing to face ourselves and take respnsibility for ourselves and our creation and from here, change the approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it more difficult for myself by waiting for this last point to happen, instead of actively investigating that what I sense somewhere within me as a misalignment that I need to open up and take responsibility for by firstly looking at it within self-honesty and from here, using the application of self-forgiveness to face my own darkness and stand up within and stop blaming myself back into a state of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me that I am not aligned with and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me, as fearing to loose the experience that this suppressed belief is giving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fearing the loss of an experience within me to fearing to loose something or someone without me and within this, start and keep on projecting my experiences on this something or someone without me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinks and believe that I can really loose something or someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only let go (means forgive) the energetic created experiences within myself that I have connected to something or someone without myself and from here, knowing that I give myself the opportunity to emerge from, within and as myself, standing more in equality and oneness with and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my motivation to ‘become alive’ that I somewhere sense deep within me, towards and into a desire to inseminate me with the seed of a male to be able to become pregnant and give birth to the life of a child as another being, to from here force myself to stand within the points that I see that I am not yet standing in and as, in and as the potential that I see/sense within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at ease in this week of insemination because of being able to stand within myself in peace within trying to fulfil that what I would like for myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be at ease and so reactive in other moments/weeks, to my partner as well as to others, when and as I feel like not being busy with trying to fulfill that what I would like for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fulfil myself with experiences of something or someone without myself as to ‘inseminate’ myself and my physical body with something external.

When and as I feel lazy or tired to start writing and opening up some dimensions within me that I do not yet have a sight on, I stop and breathe.

I realize that within the writing, I will get more sight on myself in this dimensions that will support me in moments to come to be/become less tired or lazy, as the mind needs physical energy to suppress or keep generating energy from points/energetic experiences within me.

I realize that I can write in short time-frames, as for example 15 minutes, to release some energy within the writing of self-forgiveness and if I postpone, points will go under again within some kind of suppression and through distraction, within and as myself.

I commit myself to write in a document to open up some dimensions that I sense within me and do not yet have sight on, for 15 minutes three times a week (extra upon the activities that I am taking on already).

When and as I see that I am not satisfied and at ease with myself in the interaction with another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not expressing myself or do not have expressed myself as how I would like to, coming out of a fear of experiencing myself very uncomfortable within a certain moment with all kind of subtile experiences coming up and from here, I start becoming ‘uneasy’ for myself and for another as well, as more reactive to what another is bringing forward.

I realize that this is a build up pattern through the years and so, it will take time to walk through the layers that I have created within me that prevent me from expressing myself and bring myself to a ‘living expression’ so to speak.

I commit myself to become more sensible to and for myself within moments of interaction with another and to see what comes up within me as a reaction that I name and forgive myself for (for example within this 15 minutes writing) and to see (if I am already able to) what I actually would like to express but not doing out of fear of not being understood or not being able to bring forward what I mean and from here, see how to support myself to do express some more of/as myself, rather from a point of self-movement than only as a respond with a (subtile or hidden) dimension of ‘reaction’ to what another is bringing forward.

When and as I notice a fear of loss within me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there are many dimensions involved in ‘fear of loss’ projected on something or someone without me, that I need to walk through within writing and the application of self-forgiveness of all kind of experiences coming up to open it up for myself.

I commit myself to within the writing, take on layer by layer and experience by experience that I see coming up within me in certain moments where in I use the moments of reaction as a moment of introspection, meaning that I bring the experience back to myself and name and forgive myself for what I find, as well as forgiving myself for/when/as I go into reaction, to enable myself to eventually prevent this happening and from here, finding my self-direction and self-expression as a more supportive and constructive way to communicate, as well for myself as for another.

insemination

Previous blog: 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

Next blog: 16. Shame and compromising


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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive

Dag 727 – 14. Examples of ‘trying to make it up’

This blog is related to record 14: Examples of trying to make it up

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically step in a relationship through having sex in an early stage and within this, ‘bounding’ myself emotionally to this other one where in I feel like I am already too far in and as if I cannot step back anymore and first investigate what the possibilities are of really stabnding and walking with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am able to have a sexual interaction without having clarity about a commitment towards each other as in a relationship/agreement and so from here, keep on stepping in physically and committing physically in a way, without first investigating the possibilities of standing and walking together and checking our principles, ability and willingness to really stand and walk together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devided within a mind-approach and believing to be able to already physically involve and a physical-being approach where in I look at and investigate all dimensions to possibly stand and walk with another being and look at how another being is willing and able to walk and stand with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the desire to have a relationship and the desire to become pregnant, by stepping in ‘too fast’ and already committing in a way while within common sense, I know there is more time needed to investigate where we both stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something so badly that I am willing to compromise my own standing and integrity that I actually had never developped and so, in a way knowing what to stand for but not being able to really, on all levels, be able to stand and keep standing within my integrity and within principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a stranger in my own house when the children of my partner in that time came over for the weekend, as I did not know how to involve with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to involve with my partner and his children coming over and within this, start separating myself from the situation and completely pulling back within myself and within some place in the house that I could find to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become some kind of monster within myself and towards my partner when and as his children came over for the weekend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everything would go better and become more in balance when and as I would have a child of my own within this situation, which may be so in a way, however it is a way of first trying to create a situation in physical reality where in I could have supported myself so much more if and when I had the tools to bring the feelings, emotions, backchat, reactions etc coming up within me – to first or while wwalking bring this back to myself, to also within the moment, make it more comfortable and enjoyable for myself as well as for my partner to walk this path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it very heavy for myself and my partner to walk a certain situation, because of not yet being able to take responsibility for my own feeling, emotions, reactions, backchat etc coming op related to the situation that I and we were living in and through this, putting so much load on the relationship and the situation as a whole that eventually maye have contributed to the ending of the relationship.

When and as I see myself becoming/experiencing myself and the situation with a partner as ‘heavy’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have emotions, feelings, reactions, backchat coming up within me that I do let decide how I experience myself and that from here, is defining who I am within that what I live.

I realize that the emotions, feelings, reactions, backchats, are coming forward out of thoughts and/or a way of trying to control my reality and so, out of trying to wanting a certain outcome, which I can see is related to aspects of my childhood where in I as a child, want a certain outcome, trying to enforce this on/towards my parents.

I realize that a form of control exists as a form of fear of not getting the outcome that I would like to see or desire and then within this an experience as belief that I would/could not exist anymore without this certain outcome.

I realize that within existing in and as fear as control, I speak and behave in a way that is putting a stamp in each situation and interaction and that is triggering others within their experience of control/fear, which is then again triggering my experience of control/fear and so on.

I realize that within contributing to creating this ‘heavy’ atmosphere, I make it more ‘heavy’ (meaning, separating myself from the reality and participants that I am involved in and with) than things need to be within each moment of breathe and that at the moment, I do have the tools to support myself to be stable and bring myself back to stability when and as a form of control/fear comes up.

I commit myself to name the desired outcome and to name the experience of fear of loss in a certain moment of conflict, for and within myself, to stop and to forgive/let go the desired outcome and instead, allow myself to move on and as the pace of my breathing and finding a living word to ‘hold on to’ within a specific moment that I need to bring stability in, within and as myself;

where in I realize that the only real and lasting way to ‘make it up’ within and as myself, is within taking full responsibility for and as myself and for the fear/control as reactions, emotions, feelings, backchat, thoughts that are coming up within and as myself, to not desire a specific outcome as ‘making things up’ for a mistake in the past, but to step by step, moment by moment, forgive and correct the mistakes within and as who I am within each moment of breath in and as a process that I walk from consciousness to awareness.

dak

Previous blog: 13. Trying to make it up

Next blog: 15. The insemination


Proces van zelfverandering:

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com  GRATIS ONLINE CURSUS MET BUDDY(Ook in het Nederlands!)

Zelfeducatie free:
https://eqafe.com/free
www.desteni.org
De Kronieken van Jezus

Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
https://nl.gravatar.com/ingridschaefer1
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/326696524041028/

The Secret to Self-Realisation:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-311-secret-to-self-realisation.html

Proces van wereldverandering:
http://basisinkomenpartij.nl/

Uil forgive