Dag 712 – 2. Loosing stability

This blog is related to record 2. Loosing stability

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are partly written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my stability in behalf of fertility as how I am interpreting and living this and within this, loose myself so to speak within thoughts and emotions and compromise myself in activities as a way of trying to ‘live’ the thoughts and ‘test it out’ and so trying to come into calmness again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I miss out on something if I do not follow my mind and thoughts within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should follow my thoughts and live it out so that I will not have missed anything, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that I miss myself within blindly believing and following thoughts and ideas that come up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know another way of keeping myself stable than through living it out and through in physicakl reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in comparison with others who are creating a family and within this comparison, loosing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/have felt so lost and unhappy within this comparison where I could not live up towards that what I compared myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to live up towards an idea of my myself in/as my own mind an if I will not be able to ‘reach’ this, feeling like I fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself as life completely within an attempt of reaching a goal of giving life to another as in giving birth to a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that giving live/birth to child, will make me stand up within and as myself, instead of standing up within myself and taking responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and emotions in every situation that I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this, actually ‘wait’ with standing up until a situation will force me to do so as I expect in a situation as giving birth to a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blanko and tired while writing these self-forgiveness and start thinking ‘on the background’ that it is unclear and of no use.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to walk the same as the group of friends is doing because they partly walk what I want and at the same time, not want this completely and so, creating a polarity within this and around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself and find some ‘sense’ within my own life and living when I am alone and within nature and as soon as I start interact with ‘friends’ who are within a relationship and getting children, start comparing myself and loosing who I am within and coming home unhappy and dead-tired.

When and as I see myself participating in comparison while being in interaction with others, I stop and breathe. I realize that it does not make sense to compare myself to another and that I do not see a whole picture of what another is actually going through as every one has challenges to walk that are ‘of weight’ for each one. I commit myself to see the trigger-point as a thought within myself that activated the comparison and to stop and forgive this thought/judgement/fear to take of it’s grip of myself. I commit myself to focus on that what I walk within my life and to stop focussing on that what I not walk.

When and as I feel like I miss out on something, I stop and breathe. I realize that within my mind, I think and believe that I should have something or, I realize that I am actually able to do something or stand up for something that I am not yet doing or haven’t done and so, I commit myself to investigate the source of the experience of missing out on something, to forgive ideas and experiences and to look for that what I would like to live and bring into expression.

When and as see myself trying to live up on something that I think I should be able to, I stop and breathe. I realize that here again, I think and believe that I should be able to do something or, that I am not yet doing something (or did not have done something) that I am actually able and willing to bring into expression and so, I commit myself to bring myself into expression within small steps, slowly and day by day without forcing myself with thoughts and ideas about myself in what I should be able to in/as my own mind but more from a starting-point of practical investication of the possibilities within my physical reality and within the physical abilities of myself and so, work with what is here.

Ooievaar23

Previous blog: 1. Introduction

Next blog: 3. Obsession

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Dag 413 – To be Right

After writing out the blog of reacting to reactions, there is an example immediately where I go in reaction on reactions. When I look back, I see the moment of decision, where I decide to ‘step in’. I see a lot of points coming up that I need to write out and there is a ‘reason’ for acting like this that I will investigate; however this moment of decision is the first point that I will take self-responsibility for in self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. I would say, it is such an ‘obvious’ point and written out more than once by others, but within the reality-moment, I am full force stepping in and so not really recognize it for what it is, so the point needs writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to make it a clear flag-point for and within myself:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to step in, fully, and that I have the right to do this, because I am right in what I am speaking about, and so I fully experience as if I am right and that this is the right thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself in and as an experience of being right and so believing that this is the right thing to do, where before the decision I was able to correct myself but from this moment and further, as I decided to step in, I am directed by ‘my decision’ in and as the mind now and keep on defending myself in and as this condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my self-direction to and as a decision in and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, experience and perceive stepping in the mind as ‘a right thing to do’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe this one moment within myself, of stepping in and checking in myself, very fast in a moment, where in I make the conclusion that this is the right thing to do, because it feels right and ‘one’ and which I perceive as ‘sure’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that ‘feeling one and sure’ is leading me to the right thing to do, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘feeling right’ is coming forward out of the female-ego – a dimension that I noticed the whole conversation because I just spoken out this list of self-forgivenes-statements from Veno, but that I was not yet able to stop and correct myself so I missed some dimensions, and one of these dimensions is this ‘feeling one and sure’ – which I now see is ‘one’ because one with the female-ego as what I perceived to be, just as how the ego is set up and programmed, and ‘sure’ because I ‘feel one’ and what I speak about is ‘right’ , where in I did not take all dimensions in consideration, from myself and the other, the dimensions that I do not yet fully understand but somehow observe within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the other instead of on myself, and because I see something in the other that is ‘not right’ as not aligned, I must be right! instead of seeing, realising and understanding that 1-I may be seeing myself in the other and so project this ‘not being aligned’ on the other, which I need to check inside myself; and 2-no matter if the other is ‘right’ as aligned or not, I have no right to be right and ‘force my right upon the other’ in and as the mind,  as ‘being right’ is not the same as being aligned and ‘standing equal’ in and as the physical (in Dutch: ‘gelijk hebben’ is niet hetzelfde als ‘gelijk zijn’).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe myself doing something that was ‘not right’ taking everything in consideration, as I noticed little frictions, doubts and points to investigate, but still make the decision to step in, to be right and push through out of ‘not knowing how to do it differently’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the little and large signs within myself and the other, out of not knowing how to do it differently and not having an example of how to be equal in and as myself in communication with another being in a moment of unclarity which leads to disagreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have and create an experience of (fear of) being ‘wrong’ by participating in and as the experience of being ‘right’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself up in reaction in and as a search for confirmation from another being in and as an experience of being right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as ‘unfair’ to stop reacting when and as I am in an experience of being right, where in I realise that this is part of the same ego-experience fighting for it’s existance.

Self-corrections will follow.

Veno – Self Forgiveness – Female Ego

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