Dag 714 – 3. Obsession

This blog is related to record 3: Obsession

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become become pregnant without considering everything that it entails, what it entails to guide a child and walk with it through the system and thinking and believing that I would walk this when it is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with the possibility to become pregnant and to ‘let it be decided’ through creating situations with a ‘risk’ as possibility to become pregnant instead of making a clear decision within and as myself of how to walk this and take direction and responsibility in this, for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through not taking responsibility for myself within my thoughts, feelings and emotions, let a ‘desire’ become an obsession in which I allow myself to ‘follow’ this obsession and bring it into reality through living and following up on my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of me living an obsession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that I live an obsession because I do not want to let go of the desire and because I fear that my desire will not become a reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my desire will not become a reality and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it if and when my desire will not become a reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not being able to direct myself when and as I have to let go of my desire and so, use the desire as a direction of, within and as my life and so, making a living obsession of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I make it so much harder for myself to let go of the desire because I have used it as direction in/as my life and so, it feels like not having any direction if and when I am not living/following this desire and so, feeling like ‘I would die’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I would die if and when I let go of my desire, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not living at all within following my desire but instead, following my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that brings me further and further away from who I am, here as breath as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly let myself ‘die’ and loose my capacity of breathing and being here, by following my desire that I build up in thoughts, feelings and emotions and believing them to be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like not being able to think within and as my mind that I should ‘take this possibility’ that is laying within the years of fertility and if I would not, feel like I would miss out on something and through this, making an obsession of it and not being able anymore to see with common sense what my real possibilities are within the physical stae and situation that I live in.

When and as I see a desire coming up within myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that this desire can entail a possibility, however for this to become real, I have to consider and investigate all dimensions and participants (including myself) that are involved and only from here, see through time what direction does suite best for myself as a physical living being and from her, will suite other phyisical living beings in the best possible way because in essence, we are connected and one as life and one life considering life, will consider all life in essence and if we all learen to do the same, no one will be left behind. I commit myself to slow myself down and look at all the aspects that are involved and take time to do so, to investigate every aspect and participant that I see included within my ‘desire’ and here, forgive myself for emotional and feeling attachements and investigate where these are coming from, what believes I have ‘taken on as real’ in this that I also forgive as a thought existing within me and from here, find a word for myself that I can ‘breathe in’ and follow, redefine and live this as a guideline to live what is best for me, for the aspects involved and for possible other participants, representing ‘life as a whole’.

When and as I see myself participating in a desire that I project in the future, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am think and believe that what I desire and project, should be better than what I live here in the moment within my physical reality where in I actually think and believe that me following thoughts, feelings and emotions is better than me breathing here in my physical body and take on the tasks that are in front of me. I also realize that I ‘fear’ that I will not ever ‘reach’ that what I desire where in I actually judge if and when I would not ever ‘reach’ that what I desire. I commit myself to bring myself back here and to put a hold on me following a desire and forgive the judgements in not ‘reaching’ this, to breathe and pick up what needs to be done today and to create a timeline with that what I would like to create for myself within consideration of my physical situation, condition and abilities and I commit myself to make peace with the facts that are not within my physical reality or even possibilities and to focus on that what I see that I am able to live and create, step by step, day by day, one with me as what I stand for in principle and at the same time, being open for adaptations and changes in direction that may come forward as a best way to move on for myself and others in this life as this physical reality.

ooievaar10

Previous blog: 2. Loosing stability

Next blog: 4. Understanding the obsession


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Dag 379 – Sexual Desire

I see in myself how I keep myself believing in illusions, just to keep myself satisfied, out of a fear that I will become overwhelmed with desire. In this case, sexual desire, related to the fear of ‘staying alone my whole life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself believing in the illusion of already having met the perfect sexual partner, and having experienced the perfect sexual interaction, and for this, being satisfied, eventual for my whole life, just in case that I will stay alone for my whole life, which by the way, is that one calls a sign of having met your soulmate, where in you will be ready to stay alone the rest fo your life, even if the ‘soulmate’ is not ready to live with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself in and as a believe of having already met the perfect sexual partner and have been physical intimate with him, to keep myself satisfied, not seeing, realizing and understanding that within and as this believe, I suppress myself in and as my own potential and will to physically share with a real partner and not one in a memory and within this, I suppress my potential and will to explore my physical sexuality equal as the physical, in and as a mutual physical support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within this suppression, I suppress and compromise my whole physical expression in and as myself, no matter if there is a partner or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to become overwhelmed by sexual desire and not having a physical partner to explore this with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel to stay alone my whole life and within this, having no chance to explore the physical intimicy with a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place physical intimicy with a partner above self-intimicy in and as my own physical, standing alone with and as myself no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise life in and as myself, and within this, compromising the life of others as life in general, just because of fear of staying alone my whole life and not being able to be physical intimate with a male as a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would be able to be physical intimate without standing in and as myself as self-support, and within this, standing in and as an eventual support for the partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate sexuality from being self-intimate in and as my own physical, and so within this, make sexuality an energetic experience, separated from my own physicality in and as myself in self-intimicy, and so within this, create my own desire for fulfillment in and as this energetic experience of sexuality.

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When and as I see myself going into a memory as believe in having already been physical intimate with the perfect sexual partner, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I supress as protect myself from an experience as believe inside myself of missing out on something in and as a sexual desire.

I commit myself to in the moment, investigate what it and why it is that in that specific moment, I want to protect myself for in and as a memory of sexual satisfaction, to see, self-forgive and self-correct the believe in the illusion that exists in me.

When and as I see myself going into an overwhelming sexual desire of being physical with a male as a partner, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I desire an energy in and as myself as fulfillment, and so, there is a seperation inside myself that I need to fulfill with energy.

I commit myself to investigate what seperation exist in me in and as the mind, in and as a believe of what should be, related to relationships and sexuality.

When and as I see myself going into fear of being alone my while life, I stop, I breathe.

I realize I go into future projection in and as the mind.

I realize I might participate in and as a startingpoint of being alone as loneliness in and as the mind, and so I need to investigate what startingpoint as assumption or believe I participate in, with regards to the illusions as desires of relationships and sexual fulfillment.

I realize that if I fear to stay alone for the rest of my life, it also means that I fear the opposite as to stay together and give up myself as I know myself in this in and as self-interest, and for fearing this, I decide to stay alone as lonely, so actually I might fear my own misinterpretations as protection mechanism as control in and as the mind, to keep me prison in and as isolation, in and as the mind.

I commit myself to investigate the starting point of being alone, interpretated as loneliness, in and as assumprion or believe I participate in with regards to the illusions as desires of relationships and sexual fulfillment, which I use as a protectionmechanism.

I commit myself to investigate what it specific is that I protect in and as self-interest, in and as a decision in and as the mind to stay alone as lonely.

I commit myself to everytime bring myself back to reality in and as the realization that I always stay alone in and as myself, no matter if there is a male as a physical partner, and to investigate what it is that I hold on to in and as a systemized fear, in and as a believe, assumption or misinterpretation, that makes me go into separation as illusion within this.

I commit myself to investigate the points where in I am not staying alone in and as self-support, and instead of this wanting to fulfill myself with energy in/as a relationship in and as the mind.

I commit myself to give myself time in this and be patience in this with and as myself, to give myself the chance to really stand up alone, in and as self-intimicy, and walk this point effectively in and as myself, as I realize that I never was able to make a real decision as starting-point in and as self-will to eventual start a partnership, because of not being clear in my stand in and as myself, and within this, creating many relationships and break-ups as distraction in and as the mind, which manifested physically in and as constriction.

I commit myself to be and become comfortable with and as myself as physical equal as sexual and apply this in and as physical masturbation, and within this, stop the eventual sexual desires as energetic experiences that may come up, to be and become here, in and as acceptance of my own physicality.

Related article in Dutch about physicality as sexuality:

Full life review my life of co dependency

Life Review – My life of Co-Dependency

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Dag 374 – How Every Breath Counts

Dag 375 – The gift of Life by Roos – preference and ignorance

Dag 376 – Ignorance and preference – self-corrective statements

Dag 377 – The gift of Life by Roos – knowledge and information

Dag 378 – Loneliness-1

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