Dag 776 – Self-trust and fuzzyness

When is self-trust coming? In the previous blog I wrote about building self-trust within the living of principles.  I mean here especially the living of it and having the certainty within and as myself that I will live by a certain principle.

This mean that I have tested out this principle in physical reality and that I have been stable in this in directing myself towards an outcome that is best for me as life, in and as this physical reality and so, it is best for life in and as this physical reality as a whole. Before I come to this point in area’s that I do not yet have developped a self-direction, I first will find myself for example going into the opposite ‘state’ or direction of what is best for myself and/as life and it is very well possible that I do not even really see that I am doing this because I am already doing it for so long. So this means that I have followed an ineffective mind-programming within and as myself.

But I do notice some ‘fuzzyness’ within myself where in I am not really here and present and I also can learn to see it within the outcome that may be different than what I had my focus on as the best way possible and as my potential and especially when this happens more than once or many times, then I know for myself that I am somewhere not living by a principle that is best for me as best for all. I am walking into a default consequence without even really seeing it as a manifested consequence.

This fuzzyness I find a difficult area, because I actually am not really seeing and aware of what I am living out here in reality or, I do not even see or have learned that it is not ‘what is best’, meaning that there is self-interest involved that I am holding on to without really seeing what I am doing or that I am doing this.

I will apply some self-forgiveness on this ‘fuzzyness’ inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sleepy and tired and not wanting to start the day because I am seeing up against what needs to be done that day and/or against a problem I need to find a solution for and develop a self-direction within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed within and as myself about myself and who I am in this fuzzy area in my life, thinking and believing that I did have more clarity and direction than I actually have, according to an outcome or situation playing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot do anything about it or that I will ‘never make it’ because I am in this fuzzy area and not really seeing clear what needs to be done, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I ‘feel scared’ about what I may find that needs to be done and what I may need to take responsibility for within and as myself and so, I rather keep myself in and as this fuzzy state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on forehand, create an idea about what ‘taking responsibility’ means or what needs to be done and making this idea bigger and more loaded in and as my mind, than the actual directiveness in and as myself consist of and so, I use this as a distraction and excuse of taking the lead and directiveness within and as myself in what will come forward as what needs to be done in a certain moment in the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to on forehand, have a scenario ready in and as my mind, build on thoughts of ‘what needs to be done and how this needs to be done’, instead of focussing on myself and breathing through the thoughts coming up (and when and as needed, writing out certain thought and emotional patterns to free myself from the energy within a default programming) and practising in and as myself to trust the breathing and me within and focus on what needs to be done physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so powerless and abused within and as myself and stored in my physical body, as if I/myself am ‘burried’ very deep within and having lost my voice and will to speak and express and move myself.

I do realize that this is a process where in I ask myself to change certain deep ingrained programmings that are probably uncomfortable to walk and so I commit myself to support myself unconditionally in what comes up, what mistakes I make, what default I may find and the amount of time and consequences that it has given or will give to from here, push myself to the best of my ability to find my will and voice to express myself and start practising my self-directive principle in daily living situations.

To be continued

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Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog

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Uil forgive


Dag 352 – Bernard Poolman (English)



Sunday 11 august 2013 Bernard Poolman has passed away. His heart stopped beating.

See blogpost on Creation’s Journey to Life.


I am not sure where to begin so I describe what I walk through since the message sunday afternoon that Bernard passed away.

When I read the message on email I first understood that his heart stopped beating and I expected that the message would go on like ‘he is in the hospital and being reanimated’ or something like that.

This is not so. Bernard really passed away.

Sadness is the first thing that comes up in me, together with disbelief and incomprehension and a thought as ‘what should we do now?!’

Soon after this it become very clear to me what to do: to move on with the activities that I am doing, and with the group who will continue doing the tasks. It was as if I was making some kind of checklist inside myself to see if I am able to continue the work what I started within Desteni, without the physical presence of Bernard being here anymore.

I am able to continue. I have called Larry and Sylvie and asked them to open the email. I wanted to share this with them. In the hourse after this, I was still pretty clear.

We have had chat at 20.00 with the whole group. Within this it became clear that Bernard will not be coming through the Portal:

Bernard will not be coming through the Portal. You must understand that Bernard was an individual standing within and as all of existence in his Physical Body; now that he is no more in his physical body, he as what he stood as, as life, as here, as all, as one, as equal still remains within existence; but he is no more an individual being/person………….. So, we cannot talk with him personally as a him personally did only exist for the time-being on earth as to what was necessary to be done. Therefore, we as individuals still here have to stand and walk this Physical Process. The dimensional process is/has been done and walked  we have to take it from here into/as the Physical and we have everything we need.

And here the real sadness came up. He is really not here anymore as ‘Bernard’, also not as an individual being in the dimensions.

The group is directly standing up within the responsibility to continue with the activities in and as Desteni untill it’s done. There are questions but there will be coming an interview from Sunette and this will probably answer most of the questions.

In the hours that follow, everything becomes clear very fast with regards to the points that I have not yet taken real responsibility for within myself; the things that I saw, but not yet ‘picked up’ to really change within myself. All these points actually leads towards the same conclusion, that I still trusted on Bernard in a way, that I am not really aware of what ‘life’  is, that I do not understand how he can deside to not continue as an individual being but as existance everywhere, being present in all life. Most of all are related to missing a point of absolute certainty. This is what I have missed so much during my life, and what I have experienced, seen and received as a support and example from Bernard. This is the point what I did not bring into standing in a sufficient way within myself because of participation within and as the mind, which gives an experience of self-doubt.

I notice that I made attachments towards Bernard with regards to his total effort with absolute certainty to bring in Life as what is best for all, untill it’s done, and that I used his absolute certainty and dedication as a motivation to push myself through. After being in South-Africa, I have asked myself several times if I would move on in self-honesty no matter what, and the answer was ‘yes’ every time. It is what I wanted to do for already 20 years, but what I was not able to take on in totality, because I was missing the complete information, the tools to bring it into practise and a living example of how to do this. I was missing the act of self-forgiveness, and without self-forgiveness, no real change is possible. Bernard and Desteni gave me the information, the practical tools and the living example, and within Desteni I picked up tasks that I am able to complete, with or without Bernard, and so I can move on with what I am doing already.

At the same time I noticed that there was still hesitation to really live in absolute certainty and dedication towards and as life. It was as if there was some kind of, “yes, but” within myself, and I was moving, but it seems like moving too slow; it felt like pushing through a fuzzy cloud of distraction.

So, the absolute certainty and effort from Bernard I used as a motivation to push myself through. And this is what I need to be for myself. During this week after his passing away, I notice a change in myself and around me, as if some veil, some ‘noise’ has moved with him. This is related to the removing of the physical systems that he was working on, and the last one that he took on while and with leaving his physical body. (There will be coming interviews about this from Sunette – you can read her blog here). As if for the first time, I see myself as being able to do this, to take full responsibility for my own mind and to work together with the group on bringing a solution into the world. I experience it as if the support as the living principles as Life as Bernard was standing in and as, is spread out everywhere in and as existence, as a platform to walk on, available for everyone who is ready to face oneself in self-honesty.

There is no choise anymore: I have to walk into living as what I see, realize and understand as the only solution and we as a group as Desteni have to walk and bring the solution into the world, and we as a group as humanity have to bring this change into living, as the only solution to live in equality and oneness in and as this physical world. We have to be, become and continue in being practical living beings as what is best for all, and within this we have to stand the test of time, as Bernard stood the test of time and has become timeless and always Here, in and as support as Life, in and as the Living Principles.

His carefullness in every breath, is what stands most by me, as Anna is also describing in her blog about Bernard.

This starts in tender care in and as myself,in the very small things. Really listening to myself. Applying self-forgiveness on the fear that comes up in this; fear for standing up in and as life in carefullness in a world that is not carefull. There is so much to do in this before I am really able to be carefull in every breath.

(Compassion in Action)  (Blog Cathy)

Life is caring, the mind is not. So the systems that exist have to be realligned with and as the living principles as what is best for all in and as carefullness, and so we need to stop the starting point of self-interest in and as the mind. This starts within ourselves, as only when we as as humanity change into carefull and trustworthy beings, we will be able to change the world into a place that is Best for All Life.

This is what Bernard and Sunette are pointing out every time again: “You only need to take full responsibility for your own Mind Consiousness System and to forgive and change yourself within this”.

This is how change will take place as 1+1+1+1+1

“Give as you would like to receive”.

Within this, real care will come in. As first there is the giving and then there is the receiving.

Bernard said several times to me: “You are still scared of people”. “What to do” I asked. “It’s a thought”, he answered.

Within my witness-blog about going to the farm I described (part of) my experience with  Bernard on the farm.

I can keep on writing while the words are not fully describing what Bernard has given and how gratefull I am for what he has done. It is to each one of us to really live as his example in and as the Living Principle.

Here are a few lines from the chat that shows how it is not about Bernard but about the Living Principle that he brought into the world, and only living by this living principles and within this, bringing life into the world until it is done, until all is life, is a real expression of gratefullness and respect towards Bernard, who is standing as Life-Self-Realised. Because, what we all are really missing is


in and as ourselves, and so in and as the world:

we have to become the living example of the living principle in the physical (Sunette)

he’s always stood in existence, as existence – here, so he’s “here”, but not “Bernard as an individual” – what I mean with ‘he’s here in/as existence’ is the Principle, Life (Sunette)

he told us -it is never about the individual, but the principles, thus we cannot use any excuses that bernard is not alive, because the principles still stand and it is up to us to stand (Cameron)

Consider the point that Bernard wasn’t something special  but the embodiment of a principle that we can all develop ourselves as; so  then I would suggest to simply stand as that point yourself of giving yourself your life back through being disciplined, and diligent in your process of standing up (Viktor)

he will be missed – but we will not miss his message/his words/what he stood for/as – this we’ve got to take and live and continue to do so (Sunette)

I would say Bernard did a better job than Jesus. Establishing the process of walking as equals as one as the principle – so we individually and together see this through, he was the guiding point, and now we have enough guidance to guide ourselves and each other and so to those still to come to be walking with us (Sunette)

we cannot rely on one single individual as that would be again ‘following a message’ instead of living it (Marlen)

Need to look at what you saw in bernard and found missing within yourself and then give it to yourself (Fidelis)

All he ever asked of us is show others the support he has given us (Fidelis)

we each stand as a specific point within this process – Bernard stood as the living example of what we are to become, life self-realised – walking the process we have established / each has ‘their point to stand’ – so, ‘life individualized’ is like self realisation process of being/becoming life and we have the process / structure to walk to be/become it (Sunette)

 Bernard Poolman –  Living The Word Alive: DAY 231

Thank you

Video support Marlen


(This is partly a translation of the Dutch blog that I wrote on 13 august 2013)

(Dutch blog with related self-forgiveness)

(Witness Blog)



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Proces van relatie naar agreement:
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7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
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