Dag 761 – Opening up the word ‘waiting’

From what I have understood from a horoscope that has been made of my birthdate years ago and what I have kept with me, is that there is a theme within the familyline, within my grandparents marriage, that played a role with them and that plays a role within me as well. This is about the balance between voicing myself within a partnershap – where I tend to do this too little – and voicing myself in a work environment, where I tend to ‘speak up’ too strongly.

It is not so that I take a horoscope as an absolute guideline, but what I find interesting in it is that a theme like this, can be used as a point that needs my attention and understanding to resolve within and as myself.

Related to this, I remember my grandmother mentioning more than once the words ‘well, then we keep on waiting again’ (‘dan gaan we maar weer wachten’ <Dutch>) where this was related to something in her marriage where she more or less needed to wait untill her husband gave ‘green sign’ for something so to speak.

This brings me to the point of how I am living the word waiting within a relationship. I do not like to ‘wait’ with bringing up something, I actually want to immediately speak about an issue that gives some friction and I experience a lot of impatience within me when a partner is not willing or ready to open up on something. This is mainly because I then have already resolved the point within myself and then ‘I am ready’ to speak about it. Where I also remember that in the year before my start of walking the Desteni I Process, I was many times not ready to open up and let go of some beliefs and related feelings or unresolved emotions. It basicely ‘hurted’ too much to speak about it with common sense and I needed time to firstly embrace and process the related experiences. So what I see already is that, when and as I am in an experience, I am not so much willing to open up either.

It is more that an experience of fear that is coming up when I do not have the information of what is going on within another close to me and what the consequences are of this. Basicely I fear to ‘loose the relationship’, where my impatience is then based on a point of self-interest and so I am not really standing in understanding and support for another unconditionally; something that I am very well able to if the other is not so much ‘close’ related to me and my daily life.

Let’s start with self-forgiveness on experiences coming up here within me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like dying and feeling this physically at the height of both the upper corners of my large intestine and feeling like it is too much, like I cannot handle this or accept this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up completely in this experience of it ‘being too much’ where in I then conclude that I have given up on myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on cycling in drama of the experience or idea of giving up on myself completely, as if I can never fix this again or as if I can never forgive myself in this because I actually do not exactly see how I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself a victim of the experience or idea of giving up on myself, where in I do not see where this starts as why I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep searching for the reason of giving up on myself and the experience of dying, instead of voicing myself out of it and moving myself foreward to what I see that is best to do, no matter how I feel or where I come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my emotions as a reason or excuse to not move myself forward, where in I am locking myself in, in an experience of despair of not getting out of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel through and through victimized in this point of ‘waiting’ within and as myself.

What I see here is that I have strengthened a main-system within myself through spiraling down in emotions where in I lock myself in, within secrecy actually, as a hidden and locked system within and as myself where there seems no way out.

What I also realize is that being open and vulnerable is a solution to work with and something that can be practised in a partnership, but actually in any relationship or situation that I am in – according to what the situation and/or relationship allows in that moment as I cannot now blund jump in and ‘be open and vulnerable’ where ever I am. This needs to be approached within alignment and common sense. However, Life is open and vulnerable and living these words can be of support to move myself out of the comfortzone of ‘how I feel’ or out of a general experience of ‘waiting’ for a ‘confirmation’ before I move myself or voice myself. I see it is more a decision of moving myself into the direction that I see required and from a point of self-trust to do so, as the only way actually to establish the self-trust as well.

To be continued.

Here are some blogs to be found that describe the encryption if systems from Creation’s Journey to Life and a paragraph out of it that we are actually walking now in real time in this physical existence:

(…)

So, back to the Encryption point: so as we take down these Encryptions and we have already taken down virtually all of the Encryptions of the Interdimensions, of Multi-Universes of…you cannot even begin to Comprehend, from a Human perspective, what has actually existed. 
So, for some years now we are busy with the Physical Encryption. A little bit more difficult, because – you have to take down the Complete Program, Decode the Encryption; and – these Programs are Programmed to Activate similarly, to say, the Seed of a Plant. The Seed of a Plant requires a certain amount of Rain, a certain amount of Heat, a certain type of Environment before it Activates and it Grows. 
The System is Designed like a Plant. It requires a Very Specific Environment before it Activate. So, before we can Find the System, because it’s hidden into uncountable Dimensions – we have to first Create the Environment within which the System Activates. And when the System Activates – we can find the bloody thing. When we find the bloody thing, then we can deal with it, Decrypt it, take it out. And then – we have to take it out in the Physical, because it is a Physical System that is Creating Control within the Physical. And as you’ve Noticed, that stuff is like Really Effective. 

Taking out a System in the Physical, is like walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. It is absolutely Hell, because – the Physical Body Believe itself to be the System. So, you have to get it to See, and Realize that it is Not and that it can be something else, because it’s Complete Image and Likeness, it is the Physical. And then, you have to take it out – and its got to then Willingly Release the System and itself from the Ideas and the Ideologies that the System Represents…and only then, can the System be Removed. 

How long will this take us? We don’t know. We are working as fast as possible, as fast as the Physical can Recuperate. Because, after every event – the Physical needs to Repair itself. 

So, this is very fascinating stuff – we are Moving and Removing this. And eventually, it will Assist in allowing the Human to See what they have allowed. So slowly but surely, like pulling hens teeth, we are Moving, little step at a time, baby steps at a time, Forward. 

From: Creation’s Journey to Life: 301: The Encryption of Systems (Part Two)


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Dag 755 – Hidden expectations

I was reading the blog of Creation’s Journey to Life called ‘Relationship-Agreements and the Cutting Edge of Time’ that passed by on my facebook and after this, I could come to an insight on something that I am already longer looking at within myself.

The blog is about relationships and how we in this, come to the challenge of facing ourselves on a difficult point of what we expect within this relationship from another and that then is not going in a way we ‘had in mind’ as a picture, as something that is fulfilling our desires – within the blog this is explained as our masturbation secret life (read the blog for context).

It is easy to see this in situations from others and that that are directly related to sexual/physical intimicy and expectations within this. However, I was now looking within myself and asking myself, where am I doing this; where do I live within an expectation to fulfill my ‘masturbation secret life’? As I do not have pictures within myself while masturbating for example and only had a few in the past that I stopped participating in for many years.

Then in a moment I saw how I am living within an expectation of a relationship in general that eventually lead to ‘me having a good feeling’ or ‘me being comfortable’ or ‘me not experiencing any fear or conflict’ and that then actually will lead to….the possibility to fastly and easily come to a sexual/physical intimicy – and so it is actually and definitely related to the fulfilment of my ‘masturbation secret life’.

My expectation is thus not directly related to sexual/physical intimicy but more to how a communication and interaction should take place as for example ‘without any conflict’ and within the expectation that both should be able to directly and self-honestly look into patterns and programmings or tonations and reactions coming up, without projecting and blaming this onto/towards another. Haha wow, that is some expectation.

And the ‘best part’ of it, is that I used this as if I can expect this because in the end, ‘this is what is best for all’. This is a beautiful example of how I in/as the mind (and so many of us) have the tendency to use principles that are best for all, as an excuse to protect a point of self-interest and so, not standing within the principle of equality and oneness, which in this case means that I see where I and another; where we are within our process, so self-honestly see into what my and another’s location-point is and from here, stand equal and one within understanding and forgiveness, towards self and another within and as this location-point.

I did see consciously and within knowledge and information that this is not a realistic expectation, due to where we are in our process and I was in conflict with and within myself and in my relationship as well. It felt more or less like ‘being stuck’ within this conflictual inner expectations, that then are leading to experiences of desperation and wanting to give up.

My buddy had mentioned once, already months ago, that I should accept another/a parner at where he is (and so me also in where I am within walking a relationship-agreement), otherwise I would start resisting another/him (and so parts of myself). In that moment I knew that something of value is being said that I needed to integrate within/as myself, otherwise I would indeed going into a (suppressed/hidden) resistance towards another. However I could not really see where I was fueling this resistance within myself on a subtile level.

I now did see how I had challenged this point in my partner (not because I wanted ‘to challenge him’ but because I challenged myself to stand up in a point for myself, which then equally resulted in a challenging point for the ‘sparring-partner’) which had given reactions and I was ‘reacting to this reactions’ within myself.

After reading the above mentioned blog, I was able to define what had happened in this challenge and now also understood much better what a huge challenge it actually was and is to face and walk through. So because I now can define it as a general point that we all will face within a relationship, I am able to challenge myself to look into this for myself as well and here I find my own point of my ‘masturabtion secret life’. That of course, is already for so much longer existing within myself and bothering me and  I could not come into peace with it because, I did not firstly define it for what it is that I am dealing with.

This is now the moment of realization and from here it is the challenge to bring it into practical living. I use the word ‘challenge’ a lot here, which is quite cool as I also started to open up this word for myself as how I started to describe in a previous blog and I hear it coming back in interviews as well.

After walking this years of process of the writing and speaking of self-forgiveness, the beauty of it comes through in moments like this, where a whole point can open up in one moment, within a self-understanding and then understanding of others involved as well. The situation is then understood (and so forgiven) for/as myself as another and so I would say, I am ready to walk this point into a more effective way of living and interaction, for myself and others as well. Let’s see how I do from here!


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Dag 718 – 6. Decision in a split second

 This blog is related to record 6: Decision in a split second

For context and playlist see: Dag 710 – Reflection on the years of fertility

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow two thoughts coming up within me in a split second as a self-interested ‘opportunity’ without fully investigating the consequenses that this could bring forward, for myself and another involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not involve another through sharing what is going on within my mind, where in my mind in a thought, I ‘use’ something of the other without the other even knowing about it and so, without giving the other an opportunity to bring in perspective and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow up on my thoughts and so, ‘using’ something of the other who is involved without fully informing about the starting-point I come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inform the other who is involved with limited information through which I know I have better chances that the other will ‘agree’ on what I want and so, having an excuse for myself that I ‘did inform’ the other and that the other ‘did approve it’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that leaving out information is disempowering another as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by leaving out information and creating from a starting-point of secrecy and self-interest, I will disempower myself within the consequenses that I create, in the same way as I disempower another in that specific moment and because only I am fully informed with the information in my head that I keep partly a secret, I will be responsible for the consequenses that I create by following up my secret thoughts with actions and so I will have to walk through the created consequenses in physical reality, by myself alone as long as I keep it a ‘secret’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have split up myself within my own thoughts that come up in secret and that I believe and follow up on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to follow up on my thoughts because the thoughts produce feelings and emotions that make me ‘feel alive’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow up on thoughts within me about literally creating new physical life ‘by accident’ and from a starting-point of ‘fear and self-interest’, instead of considering myself and other participants as life itself and so, creating life from life by decision, in consideration of all and everything involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have disempowered and split up myself, by believing that I need to create new life in secrecy because otherwise I would not be able to create it at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already believe that I will fail and so, I create from a starting-point of ‘fear of failure‘ without seeing that in this way, I will indeed ‘fail’ as my starting point is split up and not one and equal as myself and so, not grounded and valid or real and so I will have to walk back and deconstruct what I have created in ‘fear of failure’, to be able to take responsibility for it and while doing so, bring myself towards oneness and equality and birth myself as life from the phisical while doing so, while ‘walking back’ and transforming the self-interest into what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when resistances that are coming up in relation towards another, that these are coming from my own mind as things that I have separated myself from and as and so, it are things that I need to investigate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as resistances are coming up within myself in ‘relation towards another’, to walk out and end the relationship, instead of investigating, understanding and stopping the resistance within myself and so, build a relationship with and as myself and from here, approach another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk out of relationship situations that have potential because I believe that the resistance that I experience is real and ‘not where I must be’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that actually the resistance is a place where I ‘should be’ as here my mind is showing me where I have separated myself in thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions and preferences that are ‘in the way’ of approaching a situation with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘take what I want’ and then walk out within a relationship without seeing, realizing and understanding that I create my own failure in this way as I ‘take what I want’ from a starting-point of ‘fear of failure’, out of fear that I will not succeed to create what I really want and what is best for myself and others involved, and so I rather ‘take quickly what I want’ and walk out so that at least, I have something that I (think that I) want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I ‘know myself’ and so follow that what comes up in my mind as a thought, feeling or emotion that I translate as ‘that what I want’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do not know myself in what is really best for myself and especially not how I can bring this into reality in a practical and considering way, where in this is actually what I eventually want: that what is best for myself (as life and so for others as life) and within this, it will be lasting.

When and as I see myself participating in a fear of not being able to create what I want / would like, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have never created such thing from a starting-point of a practical and considerable approach of reality and so, I have no reference of me being able to walk this and I have no blue-print of how to walk this. I realize that I easily give up when I do not ‘succeed’ directly instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I need to walk a new path step by step, deconstructing the old and destructive patterns and rebuilding a new and solid approach in consideration of this physical reality from a staring point of principled living as what is best for myself in this physical life and what is best for all who are physically involved in what I would want.

I commit myself to support myself as a being stepping forward by applying principles that are best for myself on long-term and in consideration of all involved.

I commit myself to forgive myself for the flaws and programs that are coming up within me as a ‘quick solution’ to fulfill myself with experiences in/as the mind, as a safety catch as ‘better having something than nothing’ instead of step by step bringing forward my potential as a living being.

I commit myself to be patient with myself and others and live the word patience, ‘geduld’ day by day.

I commit myself to receive the support of others for and as myself / my beingness to stand up and I commit myself to be a point of support for others as beingness to stand up as well.

When and as I see myself participating in a tendency of giving up because I experience my feelings and emotions as too overwhelming as if I ‘cannot handle it’, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am able to handle my own emotions because I allowed myself to create them as a reaction to what I have learned and believed and  I realize that I am not sticking to the principles of what is best for myself on long-term and so for others as well through which I already ‘fear’ my own creation as consequence, which brings up emotions.

I commit myself to lay out a foundation for myself within principles that I can apply and in which I can keep myself stable and at the same time, walk through my own experiences coming up, within the realization that as long as I keep myself grounded within principles (meaning, principles that are considering what is best for all involved, including myself), I am considering myself and others as life and so, I will eventually bring forward that what is best for all involved without creating harming consequenses.

I commit myself to, when and as I do not see a way to walk, to slow down and take the time to find a way in which I am able to keep myself stable and keep my integrity as well.

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts as ‘taking what I want’ without completely informing others about this who are involved, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I come from a starting-point of fear of not being able to create what I want as what I really would like and see what is best and so, I need to reflect on and take responsibility for a pattern within myself that is not best for myself and others on long term.

I commit myself to slow down, to breathe and to take the time to forgive myself for my thoughts as fears and for believing them in relation to ‘taking what I want’ in a specific situation.

I commit myself to consider myself as a mind consciousness system in which I am weakening and compromising myself and from here, while seeing myself in these weakening / compromising patterns, finding ways to support myself as a being to stand up and direct myself towards a wholesome, healthy way of living.

Previous blog: 5. Menstruation cycle

Next blog: 7. The moment of truth

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Dag 650 – The mind-body relationship – It’s a decision

decision

One of the most supportive realizations I have found as guideline that is given to me by others while walking this process, is within the words  ‘it’s a decision’. Because this is showing that I can decide to live something instead of me ‘waiting for something to feel or happen or understand’, or whatever I am waiting for. It’s an active direction from myself and if I keep on walking and applying myself, there will come a moment where I bring myself to this point of decision-making.

What I have found here is that there is a process before and towards this moment of this decision-making. I have to come to a certain understanding and to clear myself from ideas, related emotions and feelings and I often first need to walk through some physical consequenses to bring the point here within forgiveness/understanding, from where I at a certain moment stand up within the will and ability as a decision to stop the following of a certain program.

I have seen and walked this process for example in some points of physical discomforts. Not so long ago I became very tired, exhausted. I had a turbulent period from more than six months, after this there were changes with additional responsibility again and I noticed physical aspects that I needed to support within myself and this is what I started with. I supported my intestine with some products to strengthen the mucus-barrier, I supplied some basic-mineral nutriënts and I started with the Co enzym Q10 to support within the process of the production of physical energy. During some weeks, I only focussed on the most important area’s in my life at that moment, I went to bed earlier to rest and to relax and enjoy with a book for example, made some changes within my food-scedule and supported myself to keep on going through the days, slowly, step by step, as I knew that it was something that I needed to walk through. I have experienced and manifested quite some periods within my life where I was within a state of exhaustion, where I more than once needed to stay home. I now (and also earlier during walking the Desteni I Process) saw myself able to move on slowly and able to not allow myself to stay home from work for example (which ofcourse I would have done if this would be really necessary) to not step in a program again.

After a while I noticed that my body was busy rebalancing and I became experiencing myself less ‘on the edge of tiredness’. However I still had the experience of exhaustion within myself. I experience this as if every step, every move, every task is an effort that I look up to as towards a mountain and I dragged and needed to push myself through. I also noticed that ‘there was something’ with this experience. It did not completely make sense with regards to my physical state, as for example I noticed that I could suddenly run and take a sprint to catch a bus and that I actually liked to do this, it felt physically good. But I looked up towards doing things – towards almost everything – on forehand.

After this sprinting to catch the bus, I was at home and within myself I noticed a very small movement. And this movement I recognized as the decision to ‘move on’ and not keep hanging within exhaustion. And from here it went better and in a few days, the experiencing of ‘every move and task being an effort’ went away.

I have had the same ‘movement’ as decision with regards to symptoms of having a could within myself two years ago, where a headache kept on hanging as if a bacteria kept on busy within my body until I decided to stop ‘longing for being ill to take a break, as an excuse to do nothing’. And very lately I also noticed my instable blood-sugar level stabilizing within myself after making the decision that it was not needed anymore. I still need to eat on time (which gives more meals than the ‘normal’ three times a day) but with doing so it is regulating while for about 6-8 weeks, it was as if I kept having low-bloodsugar levels even after having food. (This does not say anything about for example a physical state of diabetic where other, physical aspects are involved that need to be supported physically throughout someone’s live – related blogs are to be found here). So I see a physical aspect and a mind-aspect involved within the physical states and conditions to walk through and stabilize within.

I still need to ‘take it slow’ and support myself a lot physically, as I have to take my physical condition and constitution into consideration and I keep on focussing on the basic-aspects within my live. I am not dragging myself through the day anymore although I do notice this ‘looking up to do things’ as for example with cleaning the house still existing within me so it stays as a point of attention and for further investigation. But I somewhere, very silently within myself, almost as a sight, made this decision to stop participating in this experience of being exhausted all the time. And everytime I make such decision, I notice it is in one moment, very small and silent, almost not noticable but still I am very aware of it and the effect is clear within myself.

In the most challenging times, I know that I need to keep on walking and to not give up, as a ‘walking through’ without in that moment, knowing exactly and directly what I am walking through and this is where in I see my self-trust, in this slowly keeping on walking and not giving up. These processes to walk through, I find them most challenging and at the same time, I experience these decisions and the effect when I have made them, as greatest gifts.

The mind-body relationship – Timeline

full_introduction-psychological-physical-disorders

Introduction – Psychological & Physical Disorders

Mind + Virus versus Body – Reptilians

Disclaimer:

This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.

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