Within my last blog I announced a new chapter of going to share and express more profession / discipline related. In this blog, I will look back into the 8-9 years that I now participate within the group and principles of Desteni and within which I thus far, have walked the written courses of SRA 1 and 2.
Here I will especially focus on my personally most challenging distraction, which is the area of ‘love‘ and relationships and in my case, it was mostly related to ‘finding or keeping’ a relationship. Which means, nothing stable did come forward out of it.
Here actually did come forward something stable out if it: ME
I have reached a point where I start trusting myself in my decisions with regards to intimate relationships and no longer settle for something less than what I see is my potential and who I can be within a partnership. It took all of me to come to this point and the Desteni I Process and weekly buddy chats, supported me immensely in this and eventually prevented me from going under in it all. So I could walk through it all, through relationship-patterns, in and as the physical as well, with the Desteni I Process and buddy chats by hand, keeping me on track and as a reference point in that I would not loose myself in it all.
I now stand on my own two feet without SRA lessons and Buddy chats in this period of my life (but still walking my Desteni I Process as this is an ongoing ‘process’ in any case) and I have come through the first let’s say ‘testing’ moment of not giving in, into a lesser version of myself that I already could see on forehand but that I before, most often still allowed myself to ‘go into it’ with the reason that ‘I am not totally sure’ and so ‘testing it out’.
This gives actually more trouble in paradise lol, meaning, it gives build-up experiences and so more difficulties in an eventual ‘letting go’. This ‘testing’ is not totally out of line, as it can be good and cool to ‘investigate and keep what is good’ however, I also see kind of a backdoor in it as a distraction of this individual path that we all walk alone in a way with our unique purpose in it. And the ‘aloneness‘ in it. Not lonelyness, I really mean ‘aloneness’.
This is what I am currently facing, this aloness, this walking alone where only I can give it direction; I mean with ‘it’, my life and what I would like to create. Finding it out while walking yet aligned with a clear view forward. The stopping of the buddy chats actually supports me in this at this moment in my life (point of self-honesty!), to really be by /with myself and becoming really comfortable in this, with me, as me. Sometimes a support can keep a door closed as well, preventing from diving into deep as the depth of myself and I am glad that I could open this door for myself in communication with my buddy. Knowing that ‘back up’ support is here when needed and trusting myself that I will ask for support when required.
However, not much talking about love yet here as I see. Hmmm. Every time I try to write a blog about it I fail in this, I ‘dodge’ the subject or I write it out as a concept, not satisfied enough to place it as a blog because still ‘not being sure’ and so points existing within me to walk before I dare to close the backdoor.
But. Again. Lol. I am finally satisfied with the path that I am walking and standing up in it. It’s not exactly that I would describe it as ‘I am happy’ as I do not really know what that means; I mean true happiness is not to be found in a world that we currently exist in. But, I am becoming more satisfied with me. With me keeping to it (the ‘path’ that I am walking), sticking to it, in and as myself so let’s say ‘sticking to myself’.
It is not what I would have expected. I face a lot of moments of ‘jealousy’ in a way, towards partnership related situations that I would have wanted for myself. You could actually describe it as ‘my worst nightmare scenario’ as in walking completely alone (yet together with all of you) at the age of 47, no children, no partner. Is there regret? Sure. A part of me feels like walking a life review here on earth, facing where I did not live my best and why.
However I do not experience it as a nightmare. I actually see myself enjoying myself more and more, in very small things. I catch myself responding and laughing to a silly thing, for example with my cat, even on days that I do not particularly feel good but facing some tough times and then without thinking about, it I express myself in joy and then in a moment it comes up: “hey I can not have fun now, I am all alone and ‘sad’ about this”. Lol.
That sounds like a program to me. That ‘I am not allowed’ to enjoy myself alone while walking alone. Not saying that ‘I want to stay or be alone’ all the time or my whole life but at this point, this is the situation and it does make sense actually in that I do need time for myself in this creation process and I find myself, still, quite easily distracted by companionship.
However what I also recently started considering, is that I am easily distracted by companionship because the basic from what I got involved into, was always a ‘relationship’ and so easily interwoven with each other, until the point of more and more compromising myself in what I would like to express and create. Or let’s say. it was even a compromise in finding out what I would like to create. Going with the ‘bare minimum’ and trying to convince myself that I am satisfied with this. When actually all the while, what I really wanted and want – if and when a potential situation opens up – is an agreement and nothing less. But I was not ready to even say this word as an option for myself: agreement. So I tried to settle for less, with different kind of excuses projected on potential partners. And so it did not become stable, because I do see my potential and less than my potential, is not equal to that potential, it’s less.
So Love as how we mostly know it, as how I have walked it, I see merely based on sexual attraction and so on pre-programming. This is potentially being possible to be transcended into an agreement but not easily. Because the starting-point within ‘love as sexual attraction’, is sex, instead of equal communication and self-support. And the starting-point determines the outcome focus – which then will be sex – which is actually a snail biting in it’s tail, as it does not come out of this pre-programming.
Within a starting-point of love as sex / sexual attraction, I did and do no come into expansion and self-creation and mutual support. With sex in it practised, yes of course, but as a tool, based in self-honesty and within and as self-expression. This (self-honesty) is important, to not abuse the ‘tool’ into a hidden agenda of fulfilling one’s secret desires (of having sex anyway in this case).
And WOW, this attraction may come up strong and feeling like ‘this is the place to be, I must take this chance, although I am not really ready’ etc etc, translated into thoughts like that within and as my mind. Especially when this attraction is mutual. It is like being catched in the fire and focus of it and it feels so good and right. So only recently I allow myself to take the time, to not directly ‘dive in’ and bind myself into some commitment by my own words, spoken within this strong experience. Because that is what is binding me: my own thoughts and words spoken from a mind-blowing experience, so actually spoken from a point of manipulation in and as fear – to miss out (on this experience). And here I come to the statement that ‘love = fear’ that I found not easy to see, realize and understand, as being true and real. So not from a point of ‘knowledge-understanding’ but really seeing, realizing and understanding it within and as self.
I am watching a religious serie at the moment and here I start seeing how the experience of Love is actually lived the same within the ‘Love for and of God’. The same conditions, words, experiences are coming forward, only directed towards Jesus and / or God. So interesting to see this confirmed. I only took it out of the religious zone and into the partner zone. So still blinded by Love / God / (in/as) the Mind, only different focus. (Jesus I find a different story as here a human being was walking and living Words but still not seeing the whole picture of who God truly was – this can be investigated here).
If I would be a Christian I could say something like ‘It’s God’s way’ and ‘only God knows why it is like this’. I have dived deep into myself, my past process with regards to relationships and pregnancy and I say ‘I did not live my best self‘. For understandable reason’s, sure and I can then even say that ‘it was best’ in that time of my life but still, I was not living my best self in who I wanted to be, with ‘all of my heart and / as self’ taken into consideration, as I was not yet able to do so. With consequences. So that is what I learned directly: what consequences are and how we do create this for ourselves (and others). And I did in a way ‘do my best’ with all I could see and be in that time. But it was not my best self.
Here, saying ‘it’s God’s way’ I see as keeping up a veil, to not experience the deep regret of what could have been possible within my utmost potential and taking responsibility for myself in it completely. Because it hurts, like ‘Hell’. However it was was ‘Life’s’ way as my own ‘Self’s’ way to learn me to do so, within and as the process of self-forgiveness.
The interesting thing is that also more profession / discipline based, it is not what I would have expected. It is actually ‘new’ yet very much aligned with what I was searching for from the beginning and still footed in the area of natural medicine. Back to basics yet new and expanding and integrating and aligned with my whole process here within Desteni as well. What is real is in it, what is not real stays out.
Here I can find myself more in a ‘Christian’ related view, as in that one ‘first need to unconditionally believe’ and then ‘God’s ways open up’ instead of firstly wanting to have ‘proof’ before one let one’s own fears and limitations go. With regards to what I walk now as a choosen purpose, I saw myself firstly letting go of this ‘relationship-distraction and desires’ and quite short after this, a new area within the natural medicine opened up for me to explore. Well, replace ‘God’ for ‘Life’ as ‘Self’ and replace ‘believe’ by ‘trust’ and it becomes more self-centered and grounded.
All Righty. My name is Ingrid. I am a female of 47 without having walked a full term pregnancy as without having biological children and without currently walking an intimate partnership. I am standing as an example for the single ladies who may perhaps fear my life for themselves, now or in future as how I did – which may not be needed when certain processes can now be walked faster and at a younger age – however showing as well that you / we / I do not need to be ashamed, to stand alone for a time being, short- or long-term and although it may be wanted differently. I am actually right here, right now, exactly where I need to be with all that I have in me / with everything that I have walked, even when it does not ‘feel’ so, to eventually be and become the best version of myself, in and as consideration of life as a whole.
This is what real (self)-love looks like in the first place.
Journey to Life – Reis naar Leven:
7 jaar dagelijks schrijven – Dag 1 – Van ziel naar Leven
video: 2012: Nothingness – The 7 year process Birthing Self as Life
Ingrid’s Desteni Witness Blog
The Secret to Self-Realisation:
Proces van wereldverandering: